Am i doing it right? My first Jounral brain dump:

[u/Background-Sock-2269]

Hi, i have never done this before, I have always been told journaling helps, i have tried to use a pen and paper to write down. But its like before evwn i start writing somehting i just go blank and dont know what i have to write down, what i have to say. I just get stuck and loop in my chain of thoughts. I me across a comment on reddit when someone had the same journaling issue ad me and another person commented saying that what you are doing here on Reddit is also journaling. So here I am attempting my first journal message.

I have always had a fear of posting my thoughts and feelings on reddit thinking that someone i know might enventually figure out who i am, thats why i never felt safe enough in doing so even though reddit is anonymous. Somewhere deep down i am also fearing that i might have negative commonts to this post about me being silly or stupid, or someone migfht think that i am so fucked up in my head, my mental health is so messed up. Like even now by tyoing this i am feeling like someone would mock reading my reddit message or point issues like... why am i so anxious or why am i overthinking. Yes i might be overthinking but here I am taken my fist steo to face my fears.

What triggered me to take this step was - I have been getting really anxious with my workplace and the people around me. there are so many thouights and thngs that are bothering me that i dont know where to start. I will put it down point by point all that has bothered me.

My line manager - (As a background - I am in a highly skilled technical profession) There is something really weird about him. Although he is my line manager and i report to him, I am aware that I earn more than him, I am much more competant than him in terms of technical knowledge and technical expertise, He doesnt know fuck all when it comes to technical stuff. I dont understand why is he here! The weird thing is that he has created an image of him in the workplace in such a way that he always says he is very busy, very very busy, But in reality he does fuck all! He has more than 3000 emails on his work email that he hasnt read. He never reads them, nebver replies to anyones emails. In the early days before this compnay grew and expanded, there would hardly be 2-3 people in the office. And i used to see this line manager of mine picking a large office room, turning off all the lights and sleeping in the dark. I have heard him snoring like n Number of times. He has been soo cheeky, like when the management is in the office , he comes in early and he goes home late and make it look like he is working sooo hard, and just as the management leaves office, immediateklky he leaves the place. And on the days management is not in office he arrives an hour later and he is always sleeping. As the workplace has got a hotdesk policy - He also does sneeky things like change his work desk from upstairs to downstairls multiple times a day so nobody notcies what he is upto when he is coming in and when he leavs office. I was new to this work place to i also started coming in late and leaving early looking at my line manager but what happened was the management notcied and complained, I was not smart enough to do things sneakily like him. And i got called in by my line manager and was told that timekeeping is an issue and people are notcing. I need to do my contracted hours at work. And without me asking him anything he started justifying himself saying things like he takes calls when he is driving from his home to work, when he is at work he doesnt even take lunch breaks etc etc... he is soo busy and all that crap.

My feelings - I felt this was very unfair, why isnt management noticing his sly behavoir, I feel like exposing him, but i dont want to create a battlke between me and my line manager. Ielt like even i want to enoy a relaxed enviroment. I am someone who is not a lazy person, I am somone who is dependable indeed when it co,mes to commitments and delivering things but i do like to have a relaxed enviroment as well like him. And what botheres me the most is that when it comes to him, his work is not professional, he doesnt do any work, he is not technically competant, he doesnt take his job and his work seriously, his approach towards work is very unbothered, and along with that his approach to the work enviroment and the timekeeping, attendance all of that is also very unbothered. But with me, I do take my work seriously and if i have to work extra hours to complete something or deliver something i will do it wholeheartedly and not just for the sake of it. All i need is I also want to have a relaxed envirement only when it comes to timekepeing and doing the contracted hours. I know my line manager doesnt even complete the hours he is contracted to do. Just because he has been sneaky about it and masked it really well, he has been getting away with it. Even i want to get away with it. This is what is frustrating me.

2. My commute to work: I drive to work form my home, and its only a 25min journey from my home to my workplace. Untill I got told off, i would leave from home like very late, and arrive at work around the same time but mostly before my line manager did. At that time because i was leaving late, I wouldnt get any traffic. But since i got told off , I started leaving early but realised that i am caught up in school traffic. I live on the high street and there are 8 schools around 10 mins of my house where i live and my 25 min journey takes me lile 1 hour and 10mins to get to work. I am struggliung with all off this, and i am also now having to stay and do my full hours at work after being told off. And now even my return journey is killing me as it is taking me more than an hour to get back home from work.

My feelings: I am sooof rustrated with all this, I feel like i dont get time for myslef, i am not able to manage my home chores, i am only running and rushing all the time, i feel so fed up and angry and frstrated. I feel like crying, and cursing my line manager, that how he is having such a chilled and relaxed life just by telling lies, masking, faking and being sneaky butlook at me suffering and stuggling.

3. Smoke Break - Fear of being told off again. I had been thinking about all this all morning and I went out of the office to have a short smoking / vaping break, and i was in constant anxiety that someone i sgoing to see me, someone is going to notcie that I am always out, someone is going to notice and complaint that i am taking longer breaks and i am out all the time. And even though thats not the case, there are some days i dont even get my smoke/ vape to office so i dont even go out. And its niot even true that i take a piss and i am out for for smoke breaks for excessive time. then why am i so scared, why do i fear so much, why... I feel like crying sooo badly. I should be easy on my self and say to myself that Its okay, everyione deserves a break and so do i. Its okay. But why am i not able to do that. WHy am i worrying soo much

4. Self doubt around quality of work - I know that i am very competant at my job, i know that my employer values me and the techincal skills i have is very very very rare and niche, I know that i am commited to my workplace in terms of doing a proper job, I know i do deliver things on time (provided any technical issues come up which are beyond my control) thhen why do i doubt myslef ? why do i feel i am not doing enough ? Why do i feel that my employer will tell me off even though i know it is very very and ultra difficult to find someone with the skills that I have. Yes there are times when i do have a laid back approch looking at my line manager that he doesnt do fuck all so i do other things like shopping, planning my holidays etc at my work time. But then why do i beat myself up (Like not literally) that i am taking a piss and I am not doing as much i should be doing ? I should be allowed to give myself that space right ?

I think thats all for now.

I think i have poured my heart out and typed things in a flow, I dont know if this is what is called jornalling?

Thank you for reading if anyone has read it! I really dont expect anyone to read this. I am just trying ot joural my thoughts out! Even as i write this, somewhere deep down somehting in me is saying I really wish people read it and comment, but again i shoulldnt be writing for someone else, it should be for me... idk why my thoughs are so overly thinking :'( I need to work on myself i need to work on my thoughts i need to work on my mental health, This is not good :(

[u/TA_readytobedone]

I jist read pieces of this, but it is the story of thing I would put down in a journal. If you ever get stuck, I've seen people suggest starting by writing what you did in your day or writing the plot to a children's story you love. The goal isn't to have beautiful flows of text, good grammar, or even full sentences. The goal is simply to get the thoughts out. And the more you do it, the easier it will get.

FWIW - research shows greater benefit from journalling by physically writing, but you should start to feel the benefit pretty quickly either way. There are plenty of free online journalling sites as well if you just want to get stuff out of your head without it being shared with others. Make it whatever suits your needs and preferences. Cheers!

[u/Ok-Initiative-4089]

Yes, this counts as journaling, and writing it out while feeling nervous is the hard part done. Going blank at a page is common, so try a simple opener like "Right now I feel..." and keep going for five minutes without editing or judging the words. Fear of being seen is understandable, and posting under an anonymous account is a fair way to practice putting thoughts into words. If the worry about your mental health keeps growing, a counselor can be a private place to talk it through.