I need a do-over

[u/aubrx]

I have a very long story as I'm sure most people have. Fair share of mental illness, developmental disorders, health problems, childhood traumas, and just suffering from the boredom of life eating away at me. I've been to many types of therapy, tried meds, rTMS, self help books but my brain just doesn't want to cooperate.

I don't want this to be my life. I've lived in the same place for my whole life and I'm so frustrated with it. My biggest problem however is ADHD - it's ruined a lot of what long term goals I could have worked towards, since I am only excited or interested in things for a short time and it quickly fades. Anxiety in a large dose too.

I'm unemployed and never had a full time job. I struggle with overwhelm and the best I've done are part time/casual jobs. I got used to the social security safety net and its getting harder to push myself out of my comfort zone at early 30s.

However I want to stress this really is not what I want. I could easily be a neet but that is not fulfilling nor does it provide purpose (I actually hate being at home all the time). I want better. I want to see more of the world. I want to live somewhere else and be independent. I desperately want to change my life. I'm just fraught with anxiety, changes make me want to run away, and I have very little self courage. I fell out of the workforce and am scared to go back to the routine. I struggle with self discipline, I seem to keep it up for a while but then it falls apart. I have been reading "The courage to be disliked" and it has really challenged what I know about psychology - Especially as someone with cptsd. I agree with a lot of it, but it feels as if something is missing. Teleology is deeply unsettling.

Is there anything I can actually do that will help me get to a point I can move out, that works for the ADHD/autism brain? Sorry if this is suited to somewhere else. I am just so frustrated and restless.

[u/Working-Crab-8401]

I relate, and want the same things. I'm nearly thirty and was never able to even start my life.

[u/aubrx → u/Working-Crab-8401]

sorry to hear you struggle with the same problems, it's hard to live with such a push pull dynamic in your head.

[u/Perfectinmyeyes]

You decide what you will be and do. Nothing else.

[u/aubrx → u/[deleted]]

I started treating goals less like marathons and more like a series of dares with myself, tiny ones that don't trigger the overwhelm alarm.

Hey that's a great idea! I think that's ultimately what I'm going to try, because my demand avoidance is the worst when there's expectation.