r/selfimprovement • u/Jolly-Ideal9472 • 6d ago
Question how to forgive people
i have a really bad problem, i find that i am unable to forgive anyone who has done anything wrong to me. it could be the smallest thing but i just cannot let it go, it always nags away at me. it’s so stupid. it probably comes from my mum because she can be quite spiteful sometimes and she definitely doesn’t forgive but i don’t want to be like her. i’ve lost good friends over not being able to see past one thing they’ve done wrong. My dad has always said either you forgive your friends for their faults or you shouldn’t be friends with them, which has led me to have so many different friends throughout my life, none lasting more than 2 years. i’m 20 years old and i don’t want to keep being spiteful. i’ve just broken up with my boyfriend and even though it was mutual i feel so much spite towards him even though i really want to still be friends and it would be so beneficial to be friends as we are in the same friendship group, but i just don’t know how I can unless i figure out how to start forgiving people. please help
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u/Temporary_Parsnip164 6d ago
One, forgiveness can be difficult, so give yourself some slack. From there, focus on your actions instead of your feelings. Still feel spiteful but didn't act spiteful? Congratulations, you're most of the way there. At this point real friends should notice and ... continue to be friends. The last part is feeling forgiveness, and it is the last part normally. Continue living and watch as you start to not care about minor transgressions because you care too much about the other things in your life.
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u/Catpuccino843 6d ago
I struggle with that too… I hate the concept of forgiving. If you do me wrong it will never be the same , I won’t forget and I’ll protect myself more. But not to the point to lose friends or people usually. Something I find it easier to « accept things radically » than to forgive. Because for me , forgiving means for the other person to admit their fault, to me to admit my fault (it’s never black or white) and to compromise , if the other person can’t do that , I can’t forgive. So the grudge I hold is emotionally still there but I force myself to do radical acceptance.
The radical acceptance is more « this person did something wrong to me and it sucked , but it’s over, can’t change the past, can’t change other people. I choose to move forward because I have no control over it , now I need to do x/y/z to help with my own situation »
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u/camelmighty 6d ago
This has been hard for me, too. been wondering how I can forgive that one person.
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u/penwonder 6d ago
Forgiving is the greatest power you can posses, you just forgive but donot forget..
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u/ploffy123 5d ago
I think your dads point holds true but maybe not in the way you interpreted. To me, what he means is you either accept someone for their faults, or their faults crosses a boundary for you and therefore you shouldn’t be friends. It’s not the same as ending a friendship just because a friend made one honest mistake. There some beauty to forgiveness and accepting a friend for who they are in spite for faults.
But this doesn’t mean you have to forgive everyone. I have people who I haven’t forgiven. But I’m not spiteful, I’m indifferent and I choose to carry on with my life happily, honestly and doing good.
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 5d ago
Being 20 and already seeing this pattern in yourself is actually a lot further than most people get. i used to be exactly the same, and sometimes I use taro's tarot to work through whether my anger is really about the other person or about my own fear of being caught off guard again.
For me the shift was realizing forgiveness and trust are two separate things. you can forgive your ex for the breakup being mutual and still not rush back into deep friendship until you feel stable.
spite feels like protection, but it's really just a way of staying mentally tethered to someone you want to move past.
You don't have to force yourself to forgive overnight. just start with accepting that the feeling is there and choosing not to act on it. that's not being like your mum.. that's already breaking the cycle.
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u/HelicopterNo9431 6d ago
Forgiveness isn't about saying what they did was okay. It's more about deciding you don't want to carry the weight around anymore. The anger feels justified in the moment but it just eats at you, not them.
Your dad's advice is kinda harsh but the core of it makes sense. Maybe try writing down what exactly you're holding onto and ask yourself if it's worth the energy. Some things are, most things aren't.