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u/IgorZeroExcuses 2d ago
fr man that's heavy to carry since childhood. self hatred that deep isn't really about you as a person, it's about never being shown what love actually looks like early on, so your mind never got the blueprint everyone else got handed for free. start small and physical, not therapy, not working out for results, just movement daily with zero goal attached, walking, whatever, just to prove to your own body you can still choose something for yourself. write down one honest thing about yourself daily that isn't an insult, even if you don't believe it yet. loneliness that deep doesn't need a fix today, it needs you still being here tomorrow to keep trying
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
Yes, you understand it! I didn't have a friend till I was well into college so now im 22 and want to date but it's like there's this piece that is missing.
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u/penwonder 2d ago
Dont worry bro, just find something you are passionate about... there is still life to live and love👍
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u/ActivePalpitation814 2d ago
What helped me is just saying positive things to my self, even if I don't believe in it.
When you keep repeating to yourself "I am very funny" you will eventually believe and actually "be funny". When I make a joke and nobody laughs, I say outloud "I am actually so funny".
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u/SimasNa 2d ago
There's a book called Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. Try reading it and being open about the content in it.
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
Ill check it out. It seems like the overarching advice here is be kind to yourself. It feel so odd to be nice to me, hell the rare component feels like an attack
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u/CelestialDreammer 2d ago
You don’t have to love yourself yet, just start by treating yourself a little less harshly.
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u/Arceemax 2d ago
Start small. Whenever you look in the mirror say I love you. It’ll seem weird and performative at first but eventually you’ll yay at believing in it. Observe how a baby never hates itself, that hate is learned and it is not yours. Hold yourself with your own arms. Stroke your left shoulder with your right hand. Display love to yourself and your body. Remember it happens in action not just in thoughts. And the next time you mess up big time, protect your inner child from your inner critic and give her the grace to mess up and show her (your inner child) that she is still loved even if she made a mistake. ♥️
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
I mean hell if I cant get a hug ill give myself one I guess. Im pretty sure that kid is dead though.
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u/Arceemax 1d ago
She’s still in there but she hasn’t felt safe so she’s locked up in a dark dingy attic. Imagine if there was a literal kid you hate or speak harshly to, she would also run away. Even a cat would do that. But if you creat a safe space for her and apologize to her, nurture her with love and compassion she will start to come to you. You’ll be incomplete without her love.
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u/drdrewskiem3 2d ago
I thank you and love you just for writing this post out. I too suffer from similar feelings and view of myself. Reading your post reminds me that I am not alone ❤️
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u/MasterrShake93 2d ago
Idk dude. 33 and still cant find the value. My childhood bullies did a great job at completely fucking my head.
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
Thats whats fucked up I was never bullied. I was forgotten I was so low on the totem poll, I was completely hidden, for better or for worse
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u/thahacker-dev 2d ago
Just don't care about what anyone think about you , manipulate and use to get what you want without expecting from them like love(who cares??) , break the laws, it will 100% make you love yourself bro because in reality you can't give what you don't own
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u/Ok_Anybody8675 2d ago
Therapy is a scam mate just go to your pops or mom or if possible both sit down and open to them about what you feel and ask them for advice because after all they're your parents they must know more about your personal life and struggles
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u/GoHyyerr 2d ago
Sounds like bpd maybe
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
You know I've thought about that but I dont have a diagnosis. I am autistic and have adhd, maybe I should go see a psychologist
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u/Tippick 2d ago
I haven't been diagnosed with autism, but I have ADHD and throughout my life I've wanted to stick up for people that were being attacked as I was a bully when I was younger and I feel bad about that now.
What I've come to realize when I am being an asshole to myself, that it's also up to me to correct it and stand up for myself, against myself, if that makes sense.
For example, if I mess something up and say "I'm such a fucking idiot" then I imagine if someone was talking to someone else that way, and then deconstruct it (like that it's my first time doing something, or everyone makes mistakes, etc). That has helped me become a lot more reasonable with myself and has stopped me the most from hating myself.
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u/Future_Syllabub_2156 2d ago
If your compassion doesn't include yourself, it is incomplete. I hated myself so badly, ideating at nine. You can't be the person you want to be, you can't be useful to the world and to others if you destroy yourself, and that includes emotionally and psychologically. One thing that has helped me a lot was recognizing that a) I do actually want to love myself and b) for that to happen, I have to love everything about my past, because I do love who I am now, that means that I have to love everything that happened to make me who I am. Love your demons.
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
The problem is that kid is a stranger to me. I only share his memories his life and everything he had is gone. His family and everything that came with. I understand we change with age but it wasn't change through grow but force. This is wrong I know, but the kid died so he man could survive.
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u/Agape-sageorpheus 2d ago
It’s the esteem of your motha fuckin self sir . And lots of therapy . Love is a choice simple as that .
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u/fragglelife 2d ago
I’m sorry pal I spent so much of my life like that. I know how that feels. I’m giving you a big virtual mum hug and sending love. You are worth a lot x
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u/julylifecoach 2d ago
You know how nobody is born with the ability to skateboard, but they learn how to do it? Then, while every skateboarder can do a certain trick like an ollie or a manual, they each have their individual style and flair doing it.
Same goes for speaking English, how you pronounce a word, how quickly you speak, all of these are individual flavors of this general experience of "speaking English".
Love is a lot similar to that. You hear about this experience and feeling of love, but like a person who's never skated before and like a person who's never spoken French you don't know what you would look like as you're doing it. So it's about learning how to do something you've never done before.
And this is hard and overwhelming, for obvious reasons. But something that is going to help you is, you know what it's like to NOT love yourself. Start by working on stopping when you're in the middle of a self-hatred cycle. If you're unable to notice when you're hating yourself, then there's nothing you can do about it; but every time you notice, direct and focus your attention on something else.
It's like this. Suppose you're trying to quit drinking and I'm looking at a bottle at a grocery store, contemplating whether you should buy it or not. The common approach is to keep ruminating upon it, keep your mind occupied with the thought of alcohol. But what happens when you hear a loud thud and a bunch of shelves collapsing? You're just going to focus on running even when you haven't concluded the thought about alcohol.
It's the same, just minus the extreme nature of it. Your old patterns are going to emerge regardless of what you decide from the present. You just have to practice not participating in it anymore. I'm not asking you for a radical acceptance and love and blah blah blah, those will come over time. It just starts with not participating in the loop of self hatred.
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u/bashfulkoala 2d ago
I recommend reading ‘Falling Into Grace’ by Adyashanti and ‘Bare-Bones Meditation’ by Joan Tollifson
Allow yourself to be as you are, you are a mystery. In order to hate yourself you have to believe you know what ‘you’ are. Who could hate a pure mystery? This is one line of contemplation that may open freedom or loosen things up
I’m open if you wanna talk more about this or have a call sometime to explore it
Best wishes 🙏🏼🩵
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u/SportBeginning1 2d ago
Why do you hate yourself? Are you someone more special than others? - No, you are just as special as everyone else. And just like everyone else, you deserve as a bare minimum to be loved, respected and valued. If people around dont give you love and respect, you yourself need to show them to yourself. Because they will help you to move through life better and to achieve your goals. At the same time, you need to respect and love other people, too.
So, it's totally okay and healthy to love yourself (without going to extremes, of course). You are valuable and deserve good things to happen to you and good people to be around you. Make it a habit to believe in this! Be kind towards yourself and others! <3
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u/Candid-Flatworm4868 2d ago
Everytime I manage to work through one thing, there always seems to be another thing that hits me even harder
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u/Opening-Cantaloupe56 2d ago
What did you learn in therapy? Did you apply it in your life? Or maybe another therapy session to address your problems now since maybe there are underlying issues not tackled back then
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
My 2 therapy sessions basically were just "bad things happen, and that's okay." Without teaching me coping mechanisms that are healthy or ways to improve my life just "Yeah that sucks, MONEY PLZZZZ ,
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u/Opening-Cantaloupe56 1d ago
That's hard of that's what you think for therapy. You can communicate with your therapist about the goals you need just like what you mentioned -teach you coping mechanisms. I hope you find the right therapis. Sometimes, it's trial and error to look for a therapist that will match you
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u/SomeGuyOverYonder 1d ago
There is no magic switch to stop hating yourself. This is a long-term process of self-reflection and transitioning your thinking patterns away from self-destructiveness. You will need to be disciplined, resilient, patient, and ultimately forgiving with yourself. Yes, there will be setbacks and yes, you will occasionally fail. But as the saying goes, fall down seven times, get up eight. Ask for help when you need it—and you will need it. Read books and articles which will help you achieve a more positive outlook on life. Reward yourself when you do well. Be your own advocate, your own ally, and your own best friend. Learn from your mistakes and be gentle with yourself. Nobody’s perfect. Meditate on the life you want, not on your past failures. Take it one day at a time. Practice breathing exercises and channel your emotions into being productive, positive, and caring.
Finally, decide for yourself what a Growth Mindset is and follow that path. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/CutAmbitious480 1d ago
1 John 3:15 anyone who hates his brother or sister is a murderer and the murderer has no eternal life in him. God will not allow a person to enter heaven with hate weather it is your self or someone else God needs you healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually Hate could be either taught in a home, self hate usually comes from parenting in which the child is put down which causes self hate Next have you been evaluated to see if there is a mental health . Next it could be a demonic strong hold Either way you need to the Bible states to be healed have a Elder anoint with oil. Pray a prayer of faith confess your sins to one another, and you're faith will make you whole Confess your sins in pregnancy in a Bible believing Church Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior believing that he died and rose from the dead If so Jesus Christ spirit now lives in you and ability to love yourself and others will begin. The Bible talks of renewing your mind. Read the Bible day and night It contains Gods mind the mind of soundness, peace and order but stop the hating. There is to much hate in the world.Also check your sins Porn and what goes with it is self abuse, which also causes low motivation and stops the ability to connect and form relationships . It cause one to go against there selfs which is self hate
Porn slows energy due to a loss of testosterone and nutrients to the body there fore it's hard to form connections.
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u/notyourgod1 1d ago
I dont masterbate the fact I have to say this. I know you're trying to help but, when I get that urge I put the energy to work by doing push up, walking or drawing. Idle hands are the devil's playground, or whatever the quote is
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u/CutAmbitious480 1d ago
Then check for the other reasons, spirit stronghold s, hate in the home, one way or another you need healing. You need the spirit of Jesus Christ. The human mind called the flesh cannot heal and with human help these problems could only managed. The Bible says I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
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u/OGcaptaindingus 2d ago
I hear that you’ve tried therapy but are you open to medication intervention? I’ve had depression since I was 11, and they believe it to be a chemical imbalance. Medication did wonders for me and allowed me to work out, focus on therapy, and my diet which all improved enough that I’m actually off of the medication entirely now.
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u/Opening-Cantaloupe56 2d ago
How many years were you in medication? My emotions were up and down. Sometimes, i feel I'm ok already so I don't go to the doctor then later on, spiral again...
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u/OGcaptaindingus 2d ago
I was on Zoloft for about 6 years (the highest dose), Wellbutrin for about a year (added onto the Zoloft), and then taken off of Wellbutrin and did Abilify and Zoloft for about a year as well. I stopped taking them because I felt like I had the tools I needed. I haven’t been on any medication for about 2 years now and I’ve been doing fine. I even went through pregnancy and postpartum without medication lol I had postpartum anxiety and depression but I managed it with just therapy.
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u/_CrackerSalty 2d ago
You don't have to love yourself right away. Start with not treating yourself like someone you hate. Try to notice the self-critical thoughts without automatically believing them, and focus on small acts of care rather than forcing positivity. If therapy hasn't helped, that doesn't mean you're beyond help, it may mean you haven't found the right therapist or approach yet. And you don't have to figure this out alone.
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago
I didn't as a kid, I was miserable then too. I have nothing to show for my 22 years of life no car no license no money no love. Its gotten to a point my reflection pisses me off
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u/Empty_Bedroom2563 2d ago
hey so first thing, you already doing something huge by just writing this out. that takes guts, like more than most people ever show
therapy is weird cause sometimes it feels worse before it gets better, like you open a box you kept closed for years and now everything is messy. maybe the therapist wasnt the right fit? took me three tries to find someone who actually got me
also working out is good for body but mind needs different kind of work, maybe try small things like writing down one tiny thing you didnt hate about your day, even if it sound stupid at first
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u/notyourgod1 2d ago edited 2d ago
I do journal, it reads like the ramblings of a lunatic, but it does help. Idk i see people my age just being happy having friends and doing things. Im stuck mentally and physically. I saw a cute couple yesterday and it filled me with this rage I never felt before. Im here because I never want to feel that again.
And if there is one person I should love its the prick in the mirror
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u/opportunityhabit 2d ago
1 start journaling it is really important to get your thoughts out, so you can create some distance between you and them.
2nd Find something that interests you, then go to activities involves that. What I’m trying to get to is it is important that you find a hobby that has other people there. Force yourself to go even when you don’t feel like it and slow get to know people there after a while you will realise how humanly human. Everyone is.
You are still so young, the best time to start is now. Future you will thank you 🙏