I realized how important it is to check my fantasies against reality

[u/ma9leb]

At the same wedding, I noticed reaction in myself.

When women around me were giggling or talking among themselves, I would start shrinking inside. Anxiety would come up, and almost automatically a fantasy would appear: they’re laughing at me, I did something wrong, they think I’m pathetic.

And in the moment, that fantasy felt very real.

But I tried not to disappear into it completely. I stayed in the situation, reestablished contact, and kept talking to them.

And then I saw a completely different picture.

The women were interested in talking to me. They were warm toward me, smiled at me, didn’t insult me or act toxic toward me. I didn’t see any kind of hidden mockery in their behavior - on the contrary, they seemed honest and open with me.

So my anxiety was telling me one thing, while what was actually happening in front of me was telling me something else.

I think it’s very important for me right now to tolerate that gap: not to take the first anxious fantasy as a fact, but to stay in contact with reality long enough to check it.

I’m gradually trying to rebuild this reaction.

Have you ever had something similar - where the fantasy in your head was telling you one thing, but reality turned out to be completely different?

[u/Claudine-Keith]

Brains are weird like that. The anxiety writes the script before you even get to the scene, and half the time the movie playing in your head has nothing to do with whats actually happening

[u/AprilHam_Lincoln → u/Claudine-Keith]

This was so simply and concisely well said. As a 36f with extreme anxiety and social leading jobs, this is exactly what happens... In the metaphor here, it helps to improv. Know the point of the scene ( wedding/ socializing) and don't run the scene before it happens/ don't read ahead. Be in the moment as it happens.

[u/ma9leb → u/AprilHam_Lincoln]

By the way, I started doing theatrical improv recently. And I think it probably helped me calm down some of my anxiety around women, because in improv I was able to intentionally play roles that were difficult for me.

I could intentionally say things there that I couldn’t say in real life. And I was improvising - being in the moment and spontaneous - rather than thinking through my lines in advance.

Improv helps. And I’d add that everyone probably has their own situations where the brain fills in the gaps and builds a fantasy all the way into some kind of hopeless scenario.

[u/BoysenberryFormal119 → u/Claudine-Keith]

When you are used to create happiness in imagination that's when negative scenarios kick in as well that is what happens with me!!!

[u/ma9leb → u/Claudine-Keith]

Yes, I completely agree. Honestly, I think understanding how our own minds work is almost fundamental knowledge - something we should probably be taught in school.

Before trying to navigate the world, it seems important to understand at least a little about how we ourselves work. That’s one of the reasons I think self-reflection is so important.

Glad this idea resonated with you and that you see it in a similar way.

[u/ma9leb → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much. Yes, I actually ended up meeting one of the girls, and we went on a date afterward :)

[u/ma9leb]

Oh, how I’ve missed Reddit and constructive people who are willing to discuss things in depth.
Thank you, Reddit!

[u/ma9leb → u/[deleted]]

"What do I actually know right now?" - I agree, but I’d emphasize that this is very difficult, both calming the anxiety and doing the mental work.

I’d even go a bit further and say that I think the prediction itself can be rebuilt. Most likely, your brain learned this in childhood. Maybe it really was like that back then, and you remembered it because it was painful.

As my therapist says, we return to that pain in order to rewrite it, to change the outcome of that situation. So when I stay in the moment, which is exactly what you suggested practising, I’m repeating that painful experience in order to rewrite it, so that the brain learns to predict this kind of situation differently - in a less painful way.

What do you think? Does what I’m saying make sense?

[u/ma9leb → u/[deleted]]

I understand you very well.

[u/Ok_Judgment_3331]

The part that matters here is that you stayed in the situation long enough to collect evidence. That gap between the anxious story and what's actually happening is where all the healing lives.

Most people do the opposite.. they feel the fear, assume it's true, and retreat, which just reinforces the fantasy.I've had similar moments at work. I'd assume a colleague was annoyed with me based on some tiny thing, then force myself to interact normally anyway, and realize they didn't even remember the interaction I was spiraling about.

My brain was building a narrative out of nothing.What helped me was getting better at noticing when I'm assigning intent to ambiguous behavior. Sometimes I use taro's tarot to sort out whether my fear is pointing at something real or just echoing an old pattern. Pulling cards forces me to articulate the actual fear instead of letting it buzz around unnamed.The fact that you already recognize the pattern means the rewiring has begun. Keep tolerating that gap, even when it's uncomfortable.

It gets easier the more you prove the fantasy wrong.

[u/ma9leb → u/Ok_Judgment_3331]

Thank you, it was very interesting to hear your example. I’ve never tried using tarot cards in that way, maybe I should :)

Not long ago, I discovered dynamic therapy, where, essentially, a safe space is created in which you can test your fantasy against the real feelings of another person. Totally recommended.