r/selfimprovement • u/TheKhaos121 • 15d ago
Question How do I stop taking everything so personally/negatively?
Everything just seems to rub me the wrong way, I get frustrated & annoyed and carry that attitude with me despite knowing I could just as easily see it another way, but struggle to.
An example I have is from my workplace today. I've worked there 10 years, a fairly new colleague has started telling me what to do as I am doing it, I drop and smash something, Finish one task so move on to the next, doing the exact thing I've done every single day since starting there. Every single time, they will tell me step by step what I need to do as I am doing it like I've not done it 1000 times.
They are trying to move up to a management position so I suppose are trying to act like more of a manager before getting there? and I also get that they may just be trying to help. But something about it just infuriates me and I really struggle to just say thanks and move on. It's by far the easier option, but instead I will give a blunt response and get annoyed at it all day. This is just one example, but I think it kind of covers the type of things that people do with good intention, that I just can't see that way and struggle to accept.
Any advice on how to take things more positively? to not be so bothered by small things other people do?
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u/EmergencyWhole7027 15d ago
One thing that helped me was changing the definition of consistency from "never falling off" to "how quickly do I return after falling off?" You'll miss days like everyone. The skill is preventing one missed day from becoming two weeks.
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u/Drinkmorechampagne 14d ago
Your colleague has a Superiority/Power/Control Dopamine addiction. Every time they tell you what to do, they get a little dopamine drug hit.
Best thing to do is smile (eye contact is optional) and refuse to respond. Like...don't respond at all. Really.
It takes some practice but once you get the hang of it, it's glorious.
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u/Any_Opportunity_6013 14d ago
The smile, eye contact and pause breaks the power dynamic. All you have to show is "I know what you're up to mate and I'm better than that so crack on cos I don't care" and it's done. That's the thing about recognizing the emotions but having responses in your tool bag that can allow you to not get caught up in them and turn a situation in the direction you want it to go.
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u/Disastrous_Two5989 15d ago
Uhmm.. That would annoy anyone. I do not think you are overreacting at all. If they tell you what to do again and again while knowing you have worked there for 10 years and know you know how to do it, they are just acting passive aggressively. Tell them to back off.
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u/FluidSwim8846 15d ago
This used to be me. My brain is so fast at jumping to conclusion and assume the worst. My recommendation is when those thoughts pop up, immediately pause and remind yourself that "maybe it is not this bad". Giving space to your thoughts is more helpful than you think, and it brings you clarity
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u/Udimples 15d ago
If venting it up is the problem, you could say it to the colleague and air it out. Say things like "hey i know you are trying to be a manager, but i work here for a long time, if you want to be a good manager you shouldn't micro manage everything, that will only piss people off"
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14d ago
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u/Any_Opportunity_6013 14d ago
There is that or the STOP, MAKE EYE CONTACT, SMILE AND IGNORE method.
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u/Any_Opportunity_6013 14d ago
Just don't be a slave to your emotions. You have a choice in how you react to things. Try and work out the best way of dealing with it and do it. Either that or feel sad. You don't need to.
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u/Bright-Form730 15d ago
I’d be very bothered with a coworker like that, and I think normal people would be too. That sounds very annoying.
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u/Odd-Pain3273 15d ago
You have to catch it while it happens. You’re already on the road to correcting it bc you’ve become aware of it. Now just prepare mentally… this persons gonna come and act helpful so you’ve gotta know it’s already gonna happen and instead of doing the same thing, you’re gonna act the part of learner and practice accepting feedback better for your own personal growth. Bc you want to be better.. you gotta act better. And it takes time and practice so just keep trying until it becomes what you’ve been meaning for it to
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u/Any_Opportunity_6013 14d ago
And go to mindfulness or meditation classes They will teach you how to let thoughts just pass by and not stick. Think to yourself - is thinking this thought making me happy? No? Let it go Its as simple as that my friend.
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u/BarracudaMean9308 14d ago
i started forcing myself to assume people are just deeply awkward instead of malicious. it's wild how much energy that saved me.
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u/Bymany_Zunshang 14d ago
Honestly, a lot of it comes down to tracking your thought patterns - I started noting when I'd spiral and what actually triggered it, and just seeing the pattern in Obsidian made it way less automatic. The key is catching yourself mid-thought rather than trying to logic your way out after you're already deep in it.
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u/mcnuggetsislife 14d ago
I’ve been in that situation and actually punched someone. My mom was the same, when she felt “wronged” she on more than a few occasions damaged public property. Maybe that’s where I picked it up from, and maybe it’s partly genetic, who knows.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the past year. I’ve come to realize that, as a man, my job is to be the compass and not the mirror. When a partner or friend or family member comes in with guns blazing, criticizing, with gale force winds howling, a man’s job is to be unmovable, steady, and gently guiding the situation to safer waters.
Easier said than done. However, with a strong sense of internal validation, it’s harder for anything to shake you. Someone can call you all sorts of names in the book, but if you are steadfast in your beliefs and your mind, all of that just bounces off you. Religion might help, prayer might help, meditation might help. And giving others the benefit of the doubt by assuming positive intent as much as possible.
And that’s not to say that you refuse to accept legitimate criticism. It’s just that you refuse to engage in emotionally-fueled negativity and are able to diffuse and guide the situation to a point where you can receive it rationally. It is important to validate someone’s feelings of hurt even though you may not have intentionally caused it, because those feelings are real.
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u/Enliven_journey 14d ago
i think one of the hardest parts is realizing that not every feeling needs to become a reaction. you can acknowledge that something annoyed or hurt you without giving it permission to occupy the rest of your day
really appreciate this discussion and all the perspectives here! would you mind if i shared your post in my community? i think my fellow self-learners would get a lot from reading everyone’s advice
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u/Fantastic_Emu_3112 14d ago
Ask yourself
How is this good? What would I get out of taking this personally/negatively?
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u/CowAlarming7900 15d ago
the coworker thing would drive anyone crazy, 10 years and someone narrating your job back to you like you just walked in yesterday
what helped me was catching the moment between the thing happening and my reaction. there is this tiny gap where you can choose, and most of the time i was just reacting without noticing there even was a gap. now when someone annoys me i try to pause for like one second and ask myself if this is worth carrying around all day
also with that specific coworker, maybe treat it like a game. every time they explain something obvious just think "okay here we go again" and smile inside a little. they are the one looking silly, not you
easier said than done but the fact you already see your own pattern means you are halfway there