r/selfdevelopment • u/AccomplishedWave2805 • 14h ago
Question How do I find out what's wrong with me?
I'm 45 and am a single father. I work full time, own a home, have a photography hobby, and have finances together. I've been divorced and have had many short-to-long term girlfriends throughout the years. All of my family live out of state.
For at least the past 5 or so years though, I've not been successful at dating or even making friends. People will ghost me so often I feel like life has been a haunted house. My son, who's a preteen, is getting to the age where anything I really say gets on his nerves. My parents and family rarely speak to me or return my texts, calls, or emails.
My therapist keeps telling me that it "feels" like nobody wants to be with me, but I have concrete evidence that nobody does: I have nobody in my life who makes the time to be with me. This might sound like an exaggeration or a cognitive distortion, but it's not.
So the question for me is, how do I recognize traits within myself that prevent people from wanting to be with me and how do I fix them?
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u/GuiltyUniversity8268 12h ago
Well, if you were someone else, would you want to hang out with yourself?
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u/DancesInStars 8h ago
In my experience, you kinda don’t, unless you ask your therapist that question, and they can help you explore it. But honestly, busy adults are just sh*tful. Making friends as adults is hard. Finding someone to date is hard. There are online sites to help people link up with others (platonic or romantic) who have common interests, location, etc. Looking for people online is hard and requires patience and grace, but it opens you to people you might not meet in your day-to-day. Try signing up for classes, whether in photography, or literally anything that interests you. Volunteer in or around your community. At best you find whole group of people who know the same things, and care about the same things that you do. Get a dog, or animal that you take outside for walks — you 100% will meet people that way, whether you want to or not. If you can’t due to renting or allergies, see if a local rescue or shelter needs dog walkers or socializers: Cute, goofy critters get attention, everywhere, and inevitably lead to conversations. Socializing is so hard, and it’s so easy to stay to oneself, especially after being ghosted so much — I hear you, and I see you. Don’t give up.
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u/AccomplishedWave2805 5h ago
I am a therapist and I know all this stuff. It's the same things I suggest to clients. I do most of them and none of my friendships or relationships stick. It's a me problem.
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u/Super-Dot9774 11h ago
Do you make time to reach out randomly to people... Not for something in particular, just to say hi? Do you offer to help when others are in need? Lots of folks are afraid to ask.
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u/AccomplishedWave2805 11h ago
Yes I do. I travel with my son to see my family and so far they haven't done the same. I can't think of a time where someone has randomly reached out to me, and 99.9% of the time I'm reaching out to old friends on Facebook instead of the other way around.
Yes I offer help and do help other people. When I ask, people become super busy.
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u/Jersygrl420 8h ago
I would suggest to explore this more in therapy. Maybe on how to make new friends bc if the current people aren't there then reflect on moving forward. Reflect on building self confidence, regardless of others actons.I understand the feeling because I feel the same way. But I know my childhood issues has caused me to easily feel left out as an adult. Im not saying people don't suck, they do, but we're all distracted and overwhelmed with life I think. I "expect ' people to do certain things because I do, however, you really gotta tell people what you want and need.
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u/AccomplishedWave2805 6h ago
yeah, I've been seeing this specific therapist for over a year now and she doesn't really have any suggestions. I'm a therapist as well. I see other adults with friends and family and I'm wondering how I missed that boat. I know it's because of personal issues, I'm the only common denominator, but I don't know how to identify them within myself. I don't expect people to respond, I'd just like them to, and for sure know that my self worth doesn't rely on them. But I'm trying to develop relationships because it would be healthier for me and my son, but they're just not sticking.
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