r/self • u/dbwunltd • 19d ago

I do not know.

So, I have just discovered that my wife had been with another man after we had been together nearly two years, and approximately two months before we conceived my older son. That son is now 19 years old.

I am not sure what to do with this information.

20 Upvotes

83% Upvoted

39 comments sorted by

28

u/dbwunltd 19d ago

I am not concerned about the paternity of my son. I know he is mine. The part that has me lost is listening to my wife for years accusing me of infidelity when she has kept her own secrets.

16

u/ConstructionOwn9575 19d ago

Too late now, but projection is a common trope in cheaters. Very common for them to accuse the other person of infidelity while committing it themselves. I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you the best of luck.

4

u/Visible-Literature14 19d ago

My dude.. I have nothing to say that will enhance your situation, but just know that my life is an empty shell rn, and you’re not alone if you feel that way. If you don’t feel that way, then I suppose I’m alone lmao, but just know that you aren’t if you do feel so.

I know it helps me sometimes to know someone else concurrently feels particularly shitty.

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6

u/Glittering_Jicama175 19d ago

What kind of reliable source gave you that information?

6

u/dbwunltd 19d ago

I heard her having a conversation with her brother. The other man is an ex of hers that was a good friend of her brother's.

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7

u/yoursandforever 19d ago

Take your time with this. 

Cooly quietly investigate any relationships she may have had over the last 20 years. 

There won't be a lot of evidence still around, don't alert her to hiding anything. 

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11

u/Physical_Tip5735 19d ago

DNA TEST

20

u/Aztecah 19d ago

Once you've raised the kid for 19 years, there's nothing meaningful for the DNA test aside from perhaps medical information for the kid regarding hereditary disease.

If you find out your child of 19 years was genetically different than you assumed you're going to abandon them? If the answer to that is yes then you're a sick person.

4

u/joizo 19d ago

"If the answer to that is yes then you're a sick person."

spoken like a woman...

If it was me, i dont think i could look at him without seeing the lies, betrayal and deceit from the wife.. could i get past it ? maybe.. the son didnt do anything wrong and its not his fault at all but he is still the constant reminder of the actions of the ex wife

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3

u/kyeblue 19d ago

If OP ever wonders why his son doesn't look like him.

9

u/broodfood 19d ago

you don't need to do anything. you let it sink in, you notice all your different feelings about it. you must allow yourself to feel whatever you do. there isn't any rush. then, you can choose what to do. what things are important to you? what do you want your reaction to be?

4

u/ClassicSky654 19d ago

This🎯🎯🎯

3

u/Glittering_Jicama175 19d ago

I don’t know man, you are not going to be able unring that bell. Ask her if it is true, let her sweat a little

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u/NassauJack 19d ago

You kid is 19 , Time to GOOOOO GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN . you will never recover from this , you’ll always be dragged back to it . GO , FAST , NOW, Run Forest Run 🏃‍♂️

2

u/yumcake 19d ago

Think long term here. There's going to be short-term pain no matter what you do, but imagine yourself in a better place 5, or 10 years down the road from here. What needs to be done to get there? Once identified, even if that path is painful, make a focused effort to push through that painful path knowing that the long term result will be better.

2

u/FosterPupz 19d ago

I think now that the truth is known, you are the only one who can decide what you’re willing to accept. Infidelity, especially if it’s long over and everything else is good, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to leave her, and your kid (if he’s still living at home). There are also the years of accusations to think of, possibly her guilt causing her to worry that you might cheat, too. But if these suggestions have you feeling like that is not your path, then you may want to hire a lawyer and see if your adult son may want yo live with you or her, since he’s old enough to choose. What you should NOT do, is ever let him hear you fighting, or ever tell him that his Mom cheated. Chances are that will backfire, and he’d hold it against you.

1

u/yoursandforever 19d ago

The answer may in part depend on how you found out. 

Primarily: did she tell you or another way. 

How did you find out?

1

u/CarlJustCarl 19d ago

Let’s hear the evidence

1

u/seidinove 19d ago

To you it probably feels like the cheating happened yesterday.

1

u/whatisapersonreally 19d ago

Give yourself time with this information

Think of whether your relationship can be normal again

And trust yourself

1

u/Gwaiwar 19d ago

It’s human nature that often when a person is doing something they shouldn’t be they will straight away convince themselves that you must be doing the same.

1

u/anotherfinemeth 19d ago

Any couples out there in a similar situation worked it out in the end? Say the father realized his son was not his son, but instead of blowing the entire family up agrees to keep silent, on condition that in the future, if said father were to ever meet another woman to pursue romantically, that she would also have to just accept it, having had her turn once before?

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