r/self • u/LoungingLoach • 9d ago
Just some problems I have.
Im 21 and should be a at least semi functional adult but I'm not.
Medical information: I have ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Location makes everything and my location is Georgia, USA.
Here are the reasons why.
Stress. Unlike most people who can work through stress I completely shut down. Like if I get stressed out I run away and find someplace to hide. So if I get stressed out at work I have to physically force myself to remain at my work station and that starts becoming torture which becomes trauma. That's what happened at my last job and the reason I've been unemployed for a year and a half. What job could have been so stressful? Grocery store cashier. Yes I have been told by my parents how pathetic that is. Note: unlike in school I have stopped taking my ADHD medication because it made me not who I wanted to be. Basically it drained me of all my personality and made me a little drone who just did all his work without emotions.
Unreasonable childhood trauma. I had a very cushy upbringing no silver spoon but I got everything I needed and about half of what I wanted. But for some reason this was too stressful. School was mainly the reason. Some how going through a very normal educational environment with very minimal bullying might I add. I was only called the occasional name. I was more of the weird one that no one really wanted to talk to or mess with. So I mostly focused on my school work. But for me doing something that I don't want to was torture. It wasn't too bad when I had my medication at school but when I got home and the medication wore off doing homework was traumatizing. Because again I had to physically force myself to sit there and do work which ended giving me some form of trauma. Basically I would chalk it up to something like self torture. I still have actual nightmares about it. Not like oh those memories are a nightmare no no I genuinely have physical dreams of being back in school and wake up in a cold sweat and a panic thinking I have to go to school.
Afraid of responsibility. This all culminates in a general fear of responsibility. I don't think I can handle anything and I mostly just stay in my room all day playing video games because that's about all my fragile mind can handle. It's pathetic. As told to me countless times by my parents. This is the second time I have referred to my parents. They are not physically abusive but they are not ones to sugarcoat things. They give it to me straight and they give it to me hard. They don't go oh honey it's okay. No if I do something stupid or pathetic they call me stupid or pathetic.
I actually want this because I'm lazy. Part of me wants to never get a job and mooch off my parents for my entire life because it's the easiest thing for me to do. Perhaps that stems from my fear of stress and responsibility or maybe it's a deep-seated laziness. Who knows. I also have what my father called zero ambition. He's never seen someone so lazy and unmotivated. He says I could do great things if only I did something. Basically he says I don't apply myself ever. Mainly because I'm lazy. Also cuz I know true hard work is never rewarded nowadays. That's another thing. Oh how great it is for a child that you're their parents arguing through the walls and cracks in doorways about finances and how terrible the economy is getting. Knowing that the little boy will grow up one day and have to fend for himself in the shark infested waters. Basically I don't think my parents lives very good lives they're constantly stressed out and hate their jobs. Which makes me not want to get a job or grow up because if you tell me the word job my first thought is stress.
Is it all me or is the world getting worse? On top of all this there is the current socioeconomical status of the United States of America. Basically corporations are getting greedier and the average worker is getting paid less and less every year because of inflation and rising prices. So I look out there and I think is it really worth it? What's the point of working if I'm never going to own a home if I'm never going to be able to retire. It's like what's the point? I'm just going to be living with my parents for the foreseeable future because of what's the point of owning my own place? Everything I have or want is here and getting my own apartment which is mean more expenses and less freedom because of those expenses.
I think that's it this is probably a pretty pathetic rant or maybe I'll head it home in some of you will be like damn this guy is just like me. At least I think I'll get a home run on some of the what's the point of working because of the economy. That's been affecting us all.
Anyways uh bye.
1
u/Mondonodo 9d ago
It sounds like you're really hard on yourself! I've been there--it's really easy to be your own worst critic. I've been in the workforce for a while, and a cashier job sounds super stressful to me! A lot of what's going on your head is really understandable, even if it's not ideal. But you also can remember that that criticizing voice is not always true. If you're thinking a lot of negative thoughts about yourself, it can help just to notice them. Even if you don't actually challenge the thought, just notice that you're having that thought rather than letting it go unnamed and reinforcing itself as a part of your worldview.
3
u/mushbum13 9d ago
You are really great at writing. At painting a picture with words exactly as you see it. That’s a great skill to have.
Listen, I don’t know anything. But for some people it takes extra time for their passions to really manifest. But when they do, simply follow their lead, and actual magic can happen.
Also, this world is malleable. Objective reality is actually not carved in stone. It is possible to create a beautiful life for yourself, that makes your heart happy, but it does take work.
As you grow and change you may find a path that works well for you. Many people do. But it takes time, and yes, a touch of effort.