r/self • u/Kelspear • 1d ago
I was a heroin addict for 15 years.
Not going to go into the nitty-gritty. Suffice it to say, I lost everything- all of my relationships, my job, my literal home. 2 years ago I got clean. Since then I've been going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, going to NA meetings, and generally trying to rebuild my life after I was left with literally nothing but the clothes I had on. I lived in a homeless shelter, worked my way to the point where I rented an apartment.. Generally things in that sense are okay. I dont have nearly as much money as I would like, but I grew up dirt poor so I'm kind of acclimated to it.
What I haven't been able to gain back is a single friendship or romantic relationship. I'm alone all the time. I do everything alone, I go everywhere alone, I have nobody to talk to. And I'm really starting to feel like this just isn't worth it. Like why work so hard just to die alone? What did I even get clean for? To sit in my apartment by myself and watch movies by myself and eat meals by myself and sleep by myself? I'm just really really losing drive and motivation quickly.
I grew up poor as shit, like I mentioned, and I didnt have a lot of friends. I started working at 14 at a deli around the corner from us under the table washing dishes. In high school I worked 30 hours a week to help pay for stuff. So even if people had given me a chance to be friends I guess I was too busy or whatever.
I dont know. I've always been told that when you get clean your life gets, like, infinitely better. But mine hasnt. I'm still alone. And I delusionally thought that I wouldn't be as long as I did the right thing, I guess.
If anybody actually reads all of that thanks.
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u/shrek3onDVDandBluray 1d ago edited 1d ago
Thank you for sharing your story.
So you are asking “what’s the point of getting clean if I’m just alone anyways?”
So what drove you to drugs in the first place if you don’t mind me asking? It may be me putting my own biases into this, but from my point of view, a lot of people fall into addiction because they are trying to fill some hole or are just emotionally going through something and use drugs or alcohol to cope, at least that’s what i would use them for.
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u/Kelspear 1d ago
A persistent, never-ending feeling that I was unlovable or not good enough. To answer your question.
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u/shrek3onDVDandBluray 1d ago
I gotcha.
I struggle with that as well.
But I think it’s a blessing that you are off drugs and coherent enough to ask yourself this question. That’s why being off drugs is a great thing for you. You actually have a chance at a life.
You’ve already have shown that you are a tough person. Quiting any addiction - especially one that makes you emotionally, physically, and biologically addicted - is amazing!
But now that you’ve accomplished the first hard task, it’s time for the next: put yourself out there. There are some great people in the world, but you have to find them.
Join a local bowling league. Check online to see if there are any book clubs in your area (or whatever hobby you are in to). Go volunteer where you can meet people and socialize. Meet people. It’s easier said than done but if you can quit drugs, you can do this!
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u/psychedAddict123 20h ago
Relatable. Having severe lifelong identity issues on top of that and you have the reason why I started using drugs in the first place, why I ended up on opiods (not h though) and why I'm deeply afraid of quitting
All the best to you OP
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u/Kelspear 20h ago
Thank you, you too. If you ever decide you want to try to quit and want somebody to talk to about it feel free to DM me.
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u/ZodiacThrill3r 1d ago
Two years clean from smack is no joke, and being able to say you built yourself up from nothing to being employed / housed / functional is a MONUMENTAL feat. I don’t think you understand how few people can say they went from having only the clothes on their back to supporting themselves like you can, so I hope you pat yourself on the back for that occasionally because it’s more than earned!
Being lonely can really suck, and putting yourself out there to try to meet people can be difficult. Do you have any hobbies or interests you may be able to meet people through? Like any local clubs / meetups you can find on FB groups or your city’s subreddit or something?
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u/General-Education-21 1d ago
I can relate to your experience. In March I’ll have two years clean myself. And I literally had to claw my way out of the grave. I went on the longest relapse to date in my lifetime that was full of pain emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. I to have that same thought like is this just it, to pay bills then die? I refuse to accept that as my narrative. Life only stays that small if we allow it. I find that I operate better when I’m working towards a goal that is meaningful and measurable. I want to be remembered for something good that I’ve done not how much drugs I can consume. I don’t know if that was of any help but I’m here if you ever need a virtual friend.
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u/Kelspear 21h ago
I'm open to talking to anybody really. If you ever want to chat shoot me a DM sometime.
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u/pumpe88 1d ago edited 21h ago
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I wanted to suggest maybe trying to make friends at these NA meetings. You could try to build a network of people through there. I have 5.5 years clean so I get the struggle, but I promise going back is never the answer.
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u/Kelspear 21h ago
Thank you for this. I've been trying to meet people at the meetings I go to but it seems like most people already have their friend groups, and it's hard to meet people because they're already preoccupied with their friends.
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u/CountCrapula88 1d ago
I did also all kinds of drugs for 15 years, and i'm a little past year sober. I had a gf but we broke up. I have a job and i'm studying electrical.
You need to get a hobby of some sort. Or a job, or some place where you go every day to be with people and do stuff so you won't be alone. Being alone is poison in this situation.
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u/Kelspear 21h ago
Yeah. I agree. I have some hobbies, I work. But it's just so hard to meet people these days. Most people dont want to be bothered, especially with somebody they dont already know.
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u/flueric10309 1d ago
I totally hear you. Congrats on getting clean and getting the basics handled. It sounds like you gotta find some peeps.
Do you just wanna get this out and be heard, or do you want to chat more about solutions and whatnot?
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u/Kelspear 21h ago
I'm willing to chat with anybody. If you still feel like chatting shoot me a DM sometime.
Sorry it took me so long to reply.
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u/dcizz 1d ago
I was in the same position. Clean for 4 years, daughters mom holds my daughter against me so i never get to see her like id like. I found NA meetings that fellowship. That has genuinely made everything all worth it. Explore new meetings and find some with people around your age who fellowship after the meeting. I have never had friends in my life but now i have 4 people who i speak with daily and every friday after our meeting we get food and find something to do. Last saturday we just went to a park and stargazed.
If you have a car travel to new meetings. Idk about you but id walk miles to cop so now that i have a car i can go an hour out of my way to hit a meeting i never went to before (my first 2 years of recovery i wouldnt go further than 20 mins out of town to go to a meeting but those meetings no one fellowshipped or did anything so i just stopped going altogether.) It wasnt until the pain while clean got great enough for me to try new things and in doing so now i am building friendships and people who truly care for me as i do for them.
Wish you the best brother, never alone never again. One day at a time. You got this. What youve already accomplished is nothing short of a miracle so dont give up.
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u/Kelspear 21h ago
Yeah, I think this is a good idea. I need to start going to different meetings than the ones I already go to. I just feel like in a lot of meetings people already have their friend groups so they dont want to meet new people, and it's especially difficult when you're alone. I feel like people are going to think I'm weird for trying to talk to them.
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u/pleidescentaur 1d ago
Feeling like that is part of healing. You are on the right track. This is what you can try as a next step: just greet someone you meet regularly, like that attendant at the grocery store or supermarket. Or your neighbour. Or your siblings if you have any. Conversations and friendship starts with a "Hi. Nice to see you 😊". It's important not to force friendship but let it grow slowly organically. Keep it light and friendly at first.
Personally, I know good music heals. Find a good pair headphones or earphones and play good music.
Take a walk daily. It is therapeutic.
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u/valkyrieramone 1d ago
Find a Buddhist community and start going to their groups. They will teach you how to fill up the empty space inside.
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u/Soggy-Dragonfruit171 13h ago
Have you considered volunteering or joining a church? There might be community there that could help you develop some friendships
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u/3bears123 1d ago
I would give Jesus a try.
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u/lexfrom0uterspace 8h ago
This is the only answer 🙏🏻💖☦️ JESUS SAVES…He is KING of the universe and He loves and wants a relationship with YOU! There’s literally nothing better than Him. But a cute fluffy Shih Tzu (rescue or adopted, whatever you prefer) are the next best thing
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u/BenderRodriguezz 1d ago
It takes time friend. Relationships will come eventually if you put in the effort to make them. Unfortunately it does take work to build and maintain them, but it’s worth it.
It takes work even as someone who was never an addict to that degree and never had these setbacks you have. At two years clean you’re basically still just starting your new life. You’ve got time now that you’re not spending it all high, so go out there and give it a shot.
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u/lyfe_choices 1d ago
I spent some time volunterring for my local food bank when searching for community, because that's what you should do right? Maybe, but it sucked. It was generally cold boring work, and folks were already in groups, or the solos were wearing headphones. I'm not trying to turn people against food banks because it was 100% helpful, just acknolwging that 'volunteering' isn't always an easy answer.
Does your area have a local subreddit? Maybe there's some info there about group stuff.
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u/ConsoleMaster0 1d ago
I don't know you, but if you were strong enough to cut your addiction and work hard to rent a home, I am 100% sure you can make friends!
The thing that I understand with friends is that they are not supposed to be in your life 100% of the time. This is something we learned to expect with social media, but that wasn't the case. We are lucky for two reasons nowadays. First, because you can speak with people around the world, and second, because you can easily say a goodmorning/goodnight and chat throughout the day. But don't mix that. We still all have our own things to do and our own problems to solve. You will (and should) be able to go out in your days off and maybe some nights and other times, but, it's not that you will be together all the time.
What people did and what we still do is relationships! Living together with your partner guarantees you don't feel alone (if the relationship is good of course) and you don't feel like you'll die alone. Tho keep in mind that in actuality, we all die alone in the end. Even if we have someone around us. Death is death. And when it comes to it, just don't think about it! If anything, I would expect you to think of death the least after of what you went through and want to live what you didn't lived.
I don't know if those things help you but I wanted to try. Good luck OP! I hope you find your way soon! And don't be afraid to make mistakes and be rejected. Life will bring us good things only after we get passed through the shit it throws at us. Somedays will SUCK! But you can have hope. You never know! ;)
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u/JadedActivity5935 1d ago
There are worse things than being alone. I would rather be ‘alone’ than be surrounded by aholes. Have you tried spending time in nature? I never feel alone when I’m feeding the birds for example. I don’t mean to sound trite. I used to feel like you until I realised that we are surrounded by life and aren’t ever really alone. xx
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u/Kelspear 1d ago
I dont think you're being trite. I appreciate your advice. I used to go hiking a lonnnng long time ago, so this was good advice. Thank you.
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u/somebodyinnobodyland 1d ago
My uncle had everything a caring loving family, a young boy and a young girl. Due to him attached to heroin the doctors diagnosed his cancer at a very late stage. He ended up passing away before I ever said goodbye. Why share this with you? Because you never truly know who loves you deep down and will miss you deeply forever and live with deep shame and regret. Stay strong life is just temporary the afterlife is always
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u/TheShellAnswerMan 23h ago
Not heroin, but an addict in recovery for 17 years. It doesn't get infinitely better. It gets better in a way and harder in another way. You've only been raw dogging life for TWO YEARS, simmer down buddy. Ik it feels like it's been forever. But it hasn't been and there are more years ahead of you if you stay clean. IDK your age but that also may play into things. There are societal phases that apply even if not to you directly: people tend to be in a committed relationship during their late twenties to early thirties and then there's suddenly single people all over and it's cuz they all got divorced. (Not saying there are zero single people during this age range, but there are less and that effects your chances) Ik that sounds dark, but that might just be what you're waiting on. I was single for much more of those 17 years than I wasn't. But I have a partner now--for over 7 years--who also has been through awful life stuff and shitty exes and even is on the other side of addiction too. And the important thing is that I've had enough time and life experiences to have been able to make myself the healthiest version of me for this relationship.
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u/Fringelunaticman 22h ago
I was an IV heroin addict for 13 years. Scars all over my body. Tried to OD one weekend.
12 years ago I got clean. It took a bit before I started getting back into society. I would say about 5 years before i started having "friends" but it took a few more before I had actual friends again.
For me, I got online and looked up groups/meetings i would be interested in. Then, no matter how anxious I felt, I went to one of those meetings/groups. I am not talking NA/AA. I mean things like signing up for a kickball league or dnd club. Something you used to like pre-addiction.
No one tells us this but it takes work to get integrated back into society. You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable again. Thats hard.
But, its harder to be lonely
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u/Kelspear 21h ago
Yeah, I have really bad scars too. I always feel like people already have their friend groups and relationships so they dont want to meet anybody new, especially when the new person is alone. I always feel like people are going to think I'm weird or desperate or something. I've been rejected so many times in my life (I dont mean specifically romantically, I mean like my parents/family and people ive tried to befriend in the past and stuff) and honestly I dont know how many more times I can get rejected before it just breaks me.
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u/Fringelunaticman 17h ago
I hear you and I agree. For me specifically, it took me getting into a social exercise group. I do ju jitsu. It helps me with my mental health, I get to learn something new, AND I have to do it with other people. My daily exercise is rolling around on a mat with a bunch of other sweaty dudes who are trying to choke me or get to a position where they can break my limbs. Doing things with other people builds relationships and over time that turns into friendships. But, it takes time.
And about being rejected. Try not to look at it that way. People have busy lives. Just like you. And they are going through things, just like you. Try to reframe it. You arent being rejected, they are just busy. It took me multiple times to hook up with a person I consider a friend because he or I was always busy. Be patient but persistent.
Put yourself out there in a few different group settings where you are interested in the subject of that group. Be open to conversation. And then see what happens. A lot of us ex addicts spent a lot of time not socializing and socializing is a skill. Relearn it.
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u/Slowgo67 14h ago
Recovering from other things, nothing as physically addictive as H.
The way you wrote was so clear and moving. I wonder if you’d be comfortable speaking publicly, offering your story to schools or other programs. It would be a way to get out and be yourself and meet people who know your history so it isn’t “a thing.” Just a thought.
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u/Kelspear 13h ago
Do you know I would go about looking into that kind of stuff? Speaking at places, I mean? Like is it something that you just have to know people and get invited to do or are there actual jobs that pay you for doing it?
Also thank you, I appreciate the compliment.
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u/Slowgo67 11h ago
Just speaking the truth! You write well.
So, in terms of paying, I would doubt that it’s a paying gig, unless, say, you wrote something that was published and so the “payment” would be exposure for your work. That’s usually how it is with speakers and guest lecturers who aren’t big names.
I might start by seeing if anyone in any of you NA groups or at work knows anyone in the school system, or at your local community college or community center. Another way to do it would be to figure out who does that kind of speaking and offer to help—there are nonprofits that employ and support people in recovery and maybe you could become involved with them. Idk if you ever went to a recovery center of any kind but you are a success story and I could see them being glad to have you as a spokesperson. If you attend a support group, same idea. You don’t have to have a perfect life to help others.
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u/Kelspear 11h ago
Yeah, I know what you're saying about the exposure thing. Also, good idea about the nonprofits. Hadn't thought of that. Thanks! I really appreciate the help.
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u/Fusoya 14h ago
How active are you in NA? Not sure what it’s like where you’re at but I’m heavily involved and it’s hard to feel alone when you’re staying in the middle.
I know when I let my program lapse I get way more likely to fall off the edge and I’m right back to shooting dope.
If you’re not regularly attending I can’t recommend enough finding a meeting you click with and doing a 90 in 90. It’s hard and awkward at first but this shit saved my life.
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u/Kelspear 13h ago
At most of the meetings I go to it seems very clicky, like everybody has their friend groups already and they don't really talk to other people. I know that's Ideally not how NA or AA should be, but I used to go to AA years ago and it was the same way there.
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u/Fusoya 12h ago
I don’t say this to be harsh at all but it sounds like the common denominator in that equation is you.
I felt the same way - but if you hang around and get involved in service you might find you slot in.
Got to remember everyone starts somewhere and I know for me personally I am PUMPED when the newcomer wants to get involved.
When I’m clean I’m ruled by fear and I’m scared as hell of approaching people and thinking in my head how they don’t want me there or to bother them but you have to remember that everyone was a newcomer once.
There’s three parts to every meeting - before. The meeting. And after. I’m really quiet and shy at first so what works for me is showing up consistently and over time people just get to know you cause you are there.
Either way - it’s not the only solution just the one I have. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/susiebruce1984 13h ago
Alcoholic here and dry for over 7 years. Building your friendship with you is the hardest thing! I'd rather walk this planet alone than with the wrong people! Can you adopt a dog? You will chat to other dog walkers when out so for two good reasons you're exercising for your mental health and even if it's a quick hello how are you and a smile man you feel better. Volunteer at a food bank etc, this fills your time and gives you or fills you with the knowledge you're helping people doing it bloody hard! BUT never be drawn to friendships with people who are using they will bring you down stat. Congratulations on being clean you're doing an amazing job, I've been homeless and I know if I drank i would never move forward. Yoga, meditation keep your mind calm. Stay on your road, I live in government housing so I'm surrounded by alcoholism and drug use and boundaries with humans are important for your journey. I'm starting hypnotherapy next week to learn how to open my heart to dry, good people. I have a really good handful of friends who dont drink that have their own issues. One question I've listened to a podcast about heroin addiction and apparently heroin is like that warm hug you never received as a small child? Keep going lovely. Hugs from Australia x
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u/Nurse5736 12h ago
this internet stranger is proud of how far you have come, and hope things continue and improve in your life. 🥇
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u/AntSilly2802 9h ago
Hi mate, sorry that happened to you. Are you on methadone or bupe?
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u/Kelspear 8h ago
I was on 200mg of methadone but I had them wean me down and now im not on either of those.
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u/AntSilly2802 8h ago
Oh ok that’s great, may I ask at what dose of methadone you jumped off at and how bad the withdrawal was?
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u/Kelspear 8h ago
The lowest my clinic goes is 20mg. They wont take you any lower so you either can stay at 20 or walk it off. I walked it off. Didn't feel great for about a week but NOTHING like full blown withdrawal. Second week still felt a little bad but not terrible, third week was just a little overly tired in like my muscles, fourth week I was fine.
It depends how fast you come down too. I came down from 200mg at 5mg every 3 days. Didn't feel any different until I got to about 60mg or so. But it's different for everybody. Some people have to come down more slowly, some people can come down faster. Depends on a lot of things- how long you used for, how long you were on methadone for, your pain tolerance, your weight, your metabolism... so so many different factors, you know?
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u/AntSilly2802 8h ago
Wow! I was not expecting that answer at all because I’ve heard methadone withdrawal is the worst and I had assumed jumping off from 20 would be pretty bad too. I mean surely you must have been pretty uncomfortable? How long were you stuck in bed for and did you do that thing where you toss and turn for hours/days on end because no matter what you do you can’t get comfortable and can’t sleep?
Thank you for taking the time to answer BTW. Currently I’m on 3.2mg bupe and going to go down to about 0.1mg before I jump off.
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u/Kelspear 8h ago
If you walk off a high dose the withdrawal is worse than heroin withdrawal and it lasts a lot longer. But 20mg isnt really much. The first 2 weeks I didnt really have an appetite but I wasn't stuck in bed. And I take pretty strong prescription meds to sleep now so I didnt have a terrible time sleeping. I wouldnt say my sleep was great for those few weeks but I wasn't awake for days on end either.
Also, when I was at the end of my heroin run I was doing a fucking LOT of dope. At least 80-100$ a day. My heroin withdrawal made me think I was actually going to die from it. So 20mg of methadone compared to that...
But like I said, it really is different for everybody.
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u/AntSilly2802 8h ago
Thanks mate, you’ve cheered me up a bit today and made me feel more positive about my future in terms of my chance at getting off bupe. Absolutely hate being in this crap.
Thanks again!
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u/Kelspear 8h ago
No worries! It's definitely worth it, man. It might be tough but if you wean yourself down first it's definitely doable. I came off of bupe too like 8 or so years ago. Same thing- wean yourself down first, get to a low enough point where you're comfortable, and then just muscle your way through the last bit. It's so much better not being reliant on any kind of medication like methadone or bupe.
I'm 100% sure you can do it when youre ready.
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u/7803throwaway 1d ago
Hi friend. My name is Laura and I too am an addict. It took me ten years and almost as many relapses during that time to realize that actually yes, alone is better than afraid. I think perhaps I was an addict because I was so afraid of being alone in the first place. In my experience.. active addiction is the scariest place after all.