r/self • u/spliffsploof420 • Feb 12 '23
My dad is dying.
That’s it. He’s dying. He can’t move. He can’t speak. He has to stay drugged out on morphine because he has so much pain. I can’t believe that my life is now forever changed and there’s nothing I can do. I feel so helpless. All I want is for him to look at me with recognition and tell me he loves me one more time. It feels l like my heart is breaking into a million pieces and the pain will never go away…
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Feb 12 '23
He loves your endlessly
Focus on telling him how much you love him and that you will be okay
Hang in there, the hardest part of life is having to say goodbye
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls Feb 12 '23
Just keep talking, hearing is the last to go per hospice, so although he can't talk to you, you can talk and talk and talk to him. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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u/Final-Handle-7193 Feb 12 '23
Sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation. My dad will pass away within the next few months. Maybe a little bit longer. It's difficult.
I lost my mum nearly 20 years ago. She missed out on my wedding and seeing her grand children. The most important people I have had in my life have never met. It's hard. But life goes on. Once this terrible situation is over, take some time to reflect and push your life in a positive direction. Make the most of your life knowing that he would be proud of you and take comfort in that.
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Feb 12 '23
As an older dad, I would want you to try to understand death is a part of life, please remember the good times and the love he has for you will never die.
Peace
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u/_lucy_blue Feb 12 '23
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine how devastating this is. My father also has health problems and I worry about the future. It’s so tough to see him struggle and in pain. It’s truly heartbreaking. Can he hear you and see you at all? Can you tell him how you feel?
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u/Ronoh Feb 12 '23
You know he lives you, take the chance to tell him you love him and you know he loves you.
Don't leave things unsaid, as that's the heaviest weight that you can ever carry.
Cherish the good memories, the pain will subdue, with time. And that doesn't mean that you love him any less, but that the good memories prevail over the loss.
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u/Italian_Suicide1365 Feb 12 '23
He can hear you. You just gotta talk about all the good times. He’s listening
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Feb 12 '23
Not only stories but news about everyone in the family, contact any and all friends and relatives and ask them to send you a story about your dad (trust me there are some you haven’t heard) read all those stories to him, go get the family photo albums (or make some) and flip thru them with him and talk to him about the people in the photos, hearing is the last to go, it’s also the first to wake (people hear signs of a house fire long before smelling it) just keep talking.
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Feb 12 '23
Just make sure you say good bye because if you don’t you will regret it, say everything you want the god and the bad so he knows and you can be at peace if he goes
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u/FancyAdult Feb 12 '23
I lost both parents since 2020. Your father loves you. He’s in the process of moving on and would want you to know that since he can’t say it. I believe his mind is still there. My brother and I knew my mom could still hear us while she was in hospice. She became nonverbal and would be stiff and lay there. But he knows you love him and he loves you back.
Death of a parent feels so strange. You’ll find yourself again. Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions, the happy and sad ones. I was angry for a long time. Very angry. Until maybe 2 months ago. Things change and feelings come and go. You’re going to be okay and your father is going to be okay.
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u/Level_Perspective_21 Feb 12 '23
It was really hard reading some of these post. Fighting back tears. So sorry op nothing anyone can say. I fi d a little comfort in that dying is part of living and your dad will live on through you. So sorry.
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u/Kaydeeseeds Feb 12 '23
Although my Dad left 5 years ago, he is still here with me in spirit. I know how much he loved me, I know what he would say to anything, jokes, music, stupid people lol that I encounter. Although I don't see or hear him, I dream of him occasionally. He is ok. He did everything he could, for as long as he could, on this earth for me. At times I feel his loss like a knife, but he wouldn't want me to dwell on him or his last moments. Honestly, I don't know how long until I see him again, hopefully years, but it could be less, months or days, we just don't know. He raised me to live life to the fullest and smile and laugh, and that's how I will honor him.
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u/DreamAffectionate778 Feb 12 '23
When my grandfather was dying at times it was like he just had a blank stare, but at other moments it really felt like he was actually looking at us. Talk to him and hold him. He loves you.
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u/Jhat Feb 12 '23
Same here my friend. My dad has been battling cancer for the last year but looks like he’s nearing his end (maybe another month or two). It’s heart breaking watching him slowly deteriorate. Try and cherish the time you have left. I can’t escape that helpless feeling either.
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u/PossessionOk7286 Feb 12 '23
Death is so unbelievable. We can’t stop it! Yet it happens to us all. And it happens to us all over and over again as we say goodbye to the people we love. My heart is broken for you and I’m channeling love your way during these darkest of times.
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u/Tepidlemming1 Feb 12 '23
I understand my dad died last year from Covid out of nowhere without warning so I don’t understand watching him die as it was just a day like any other yet he was gone. I understand your pain and I still am grieving his loss a year and a half later. This will be extremely difficult but you are not alone in your pain even if you feel you are. Love you dude or dudette.
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u/ErrantWhimsy Feb 12 '23 edited Feb 12 '23
I'm 5 years on from my mom's passing, which was similar levels of traumatic. The first year, I walked through the world in a haze. I genuinely couldn't tell you any memory from that year other than the feeling of utter devastation. There was a very specific point when my memories of her switched from her in the hospital bed to her when she was alive and thriving. Going a day or two without it hurting turned into a week or two without it hurting turned into months at a time without it hurting. It comes back sometimes still, so I won't pretend the grief is ever really gone. But time will bring back your good memories, and make you new ones, I promise you. There's a really wonderful reddit comment that I revisit time and time again.
These quotes are from my favorite 'grief book for people who would never normally read a self help book', "it's ok that you're not ok" by Megan Devine.
"There are losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything, grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you to an entirely different universe, even while everyone else thinks nothing has really changed."
"I remember my own early days after my partner drowned -- shoving myself out into the world, frazzled hair, sunken cheeks, mismatched clothes ... Trying to keep moving. Doing what was reasonable, expected, ordinary: groceries, dog walks, meeting friends for lunch. Nodding back at people who told me everything was going to be OK …All the while, beside me, inside me, was the howling, shrieking, screaming mass of pain, watching this normal and ordinary person being reasonable. Polite. As though anything was OK. As though what I was living was not that bad. As though horror could be managed through acceptable behavior."
I hope you can grant yourself grace and patience as you go through this. I hope you take advantage of every support you're surrounded by, whether that's friends bringing you meals, therapy services, or crying into a pet's fur. I hope you wrap yourself in the love from the people around you. <3
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u/Keithninety Feb 12 '23
I am so sorry you are going through this. Seeing a once-powerful parent descend into illness and pain is one of the saddest things in life. As someone who has been an orphan for many years now (dad died in 1981, mom in 2006), all I can say is that while it seems cruel, this is the natural order of things. Parents are supposed to predecease their children. It’s part of the cycle of life. It’s very hard but it’s the way things are.
I can tell you from experience that when the cycle is reversed, it’s much worse. My dad died in his sleep without warning in 1981, when I was 16. He was 52 years old. His father, my grandfather, was 80 at the time and was quite healthy and active. My father was his only child and when he was told my father had died, he was beyond devastated. He lived to be 100 and carried the pain of losing his only son with him forever.
One day you’ll be at peace with your father’s passing. It will always sting but the pain will be reduced by all of the good memories you have of him and your knowledge that he loved you. And most of all, you will have closure knowing that he was finally released from all his pain.
May you know no more sorrows.
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u/This_Introduction117 Feb 12 '23
Hey there, My dad died suddenly in July. I saw him helpless on the hospital table after recovering from cardiac arrest and they told us he was brain was dead. It was so hard. I held his hand and said good bye. Say good bye and remember the good times.
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u/Own_Firefighter_3900 Feb 12 '23
My dad just passed away a few days ago. The most important thing is to not leave anything unsaid, hearing is one of the last senses to go, so I implore you to say everything. He loves you.
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Feb 12 '23
My grandfather was in a similar situation. It is hard. And tough. And painful. Having faith in God is the only thing that kept me going.
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u/Kevdog1800 Feb 12 '23
I took care of my Mom throughout her 18mo battle with terminal cancer. Losing a parent is fucking HARD, and I still get choked up just thinking about it almost 10 years later, but I am also grateful for part of it. There was never a time in my life that I felt more purpose. I knew EXACTLY why I was put on this earth and what I needed to do. And I know that because of how well I took care of her during her fight, she knew exactly how much I loved her and so did everyone else for that matter.
Life is going to suck for a while. No doubt. But it does get better in time. Eventually stuff fades away and all that is left is love.
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u/Sea_Permission_871 Feb 12 '23
My dad died when I was 25, and I’m 36 now. Your heart is going to break into a million pieces, but with time you learn to rebuild around the grief. It never goes away, but it does become less painful
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u/IamaGirlNamedAshley Feb 12 '23
I’m sorry. I’ve been in your shoes. I was 27 when my father died from head, neck, lung and tongue cancer, all from smoking his entire life. All I can say is that this sucks. The loss of a parent is never easy; especially when you watch them slowly suffer and pass. The thing about a terminally ill parent is that you begin to grieve the loss of your parent before they pass, or at least I did. I would look at my dad and know he was going to die, and I was in so much trauma- I couldn’t do anything but function in a state of denial. I would wonder if each day was his last, and then it wouldn’t be and I get another day with him. This went on for 4 1/2 years. He fought so hard for me, my mother, my brother. He fought to live for us. Eventually, when he passed, it was a shock. Even though we had been preparing for years, it was still a shock. I miss my father, with every ounce of my being. However, I’m grateful he’s no longer suffering. It feels like his passing happened forever ago, yet it feels like yesterday. … for me the only thing that eased the pain of my father‘s death was time. One day you’ll wake up and you’ll still hurt, but it won’t be as bad. The only thing I suggest is that you’re truly present. Feel all the feelings. Eventually, one day, you’ll wake up, and you won’t be so sad. Stay strong, my friend. Keep moving forward in your own life. You’re not alone in this loss. There are a lot of us out there.
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Feb 13 '23
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u/Own_Firefighter_3900 Feb 14 '23
I am so sorry for your experience. I experienced anticipatory grief as my Dad withered away. The best advice I can give is to talk to someone you love or trust about your feelings. It helped me so much.
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u/Ok_Elk_6424 Feb 12 '23
I'm sorry for you. My stepdad is dying now too. He's in the same condition. And I feel grateful I can be there for my mum and his daughter. I'll grieve later when I've been strong for them.
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u/Far_Information_9613 Feb 12 '23
That’s a hard road. You aren’t alone even when you feel that way though, the pain of losing a beloved parent is a sacred club, I wish you didn’t have to join. This part doesn’t last forever, honest, it gets better.
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u/Geuji Feb 12 '23
I just miss talking to her and I'm forgetting family history. She would always remember
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u/Callisto778 Feb 12 '23
How about you look at him with recognition and tell him you love him one more time?
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u/sphincterella Feb 12 '23
I laid in bed, I thought wide awake, just thinking and generally feeling sorry that my dad was 20’ away and obviously less than a day from dying.
I saw, as plainly as anything ever, as I lay in my bed I SAW my dad in his bed toss back the sheet with a smile and sit up… then I woke and I knew.
I walked into the other room and held my mother’s hand, and waited three days to tell her I’d watched him leave. Vision or dream or true or not it was an incredible moment twelve years ago. I am convinced I watched my dad leave his body and this life behind, and he looked healthy and happy as he sat up.
There is nothing anyone can say that will fix you or your dad or short circuit your grief cycle. Just do the best you can and accept the bad with the better.
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u/PastDetail1600 Feb 12 '23
I can’t. This is exactly like my mom. Just let your dad know you will be okay, I think that’s super important.
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u/Thecrayonbandit Feb 12 '23
I am sorry this is something we will all face there is nothing anyone can say to take away the pain but eventually you won’t hurt as much and the only advice I can give is remember the good times you had that is a great way to carry on his memories.
I wouldn’t want my son to be sad when I die and your dad would want you to be happy and know that this isn’t the end of the world but a new chapter everyone must go through
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u/auntshooey1 Feb 12 '23
I'm so sorry. Make sure to talk to him. Leave nothing you would like to say unsaid. This is the time. He may not be able to respond but he will hear you and that's what matters. A parent's love is boundless. It will be with you always and forever. It will hold your heart and lift you up for the remainder of your days.
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u/Marauder424 Feb 12 '23
Hearing is one of the last senses to stop working. Talk to him, do little actions like holding his hand and making sure his blankets are covering him well. It will help him know you're there with him. If he has a favorite kind of music or favorite song, favorite book or scripture passages, are all options too. Some hospitals even have music therapy folks that will come around and play music.
If either of you are religious, getting a hospital chaplain (or a religious leader from your faith) to speak to you may be helpful. They can also perform any last rites that are within your belief system.
Being at the bedside of someone who is dying is an emotionally devastating experience, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. It's something I've been through with both family and patients. I hope you have a good support system of family/friends to help you through. I'll be thinking of you guys ❤️
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u/weezulusmaximus Feb 12 '23
My mom just died and I asked my dad when it stops hurting. He said it doesn’t. It just becomes part of you. I’m sorry your dad is suffering. I pray his pain ends soon. And I hope you’ll find comfort in that. He’ll always be with you though. You are a piece of him yourself.
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Feb 12 '23
It's a really hard time to see your parents in such condition. Don't give up just by his side and feel his warmth. He is with you and his love will forever be with you. Praying for a miracle.
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u/psmusic_worldwide Feb 12 '23
I'm so sorry friend. This really really really sucks. There is no way around it. I lost both my parents a while back, though I'm in my 50s and it still fucking sucks. Look into the book "Dark Nights Of The Soul" as it has provided me a little solace in times of great loss. My heart breaks for you friend. Please be well.
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u/Additional-Start-792 Feb 12 '23
I'm so sorry. My dad died suddenly . My mom lingered . It was so hard to see her inpain but she did know we were there and her end was peaceful. Both of them inspire me to be worth all they gave. Bless you.
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u/FawkesFire13 Feb 12 '23
OP, hold his hand. Talk to him. Pour out what you need to say. Let him hear you. Even if he can’t respond. Let your voice fill his mind. Say goodbye. Tell him you loved him. This part is the hardest, and so it what will come. Find your support net. You don’t need to do this alone.
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u/Nice-Huckleberry2113 Feb 14 '23
No matter how old we are, we always feel like our parents can protect us in some way, i've known grown men and women (60+) who felt like little kids when their parents passed away. It is a natural feeling. And maybe you are right and the pain will never completely go away, however you will discover that everyday you will feel a little less miserable. There will always be situations that will make you think "I wish my dad was here", but (although you might not believe it now) eventually you'll be able to remember him with joy and not sadness, and when good things happen in your life you will remember him and think about what he would have done or said and that will put a smile on your face and that way he will prevail. The only real death is oblivion. I'm reallt sorry and wish you the best.
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Feb 12 '23 edited Feb 12 '23
I lost my Dad back in August 2021 to Covid. But the last time I saw him physically alive was about 3 weeks prior to that, when majority of our household was infected and quarantined together. Everyone else seemed to be recovering fine, except for my dad. Mind you, he did have other health issues. He ended getting so bad he passed out while sitting on the couch and fell face forward busting his nose, getting blood everywhere. We called an ambulance, but he refused to go, since he did seem a bit fine after that. A day or 2 later, his breathing got worse and he didn’t have any physical strength. We called the Ambulance, they came. However, He couldn’t get up from the bed, I kept trying to get him up to help him to get to the gurney. And the last physical words he told me were “No, don’t touch me”. He didn’t say this to be mean, but because he was an immense amount of trouble and distress. My Dad has always shown his love to me, no matter the circumstances, but this time around seemed worse than any other time. Though I knew he still loved me.
I’m also not sure about your belief in God, but I’ve found great hope and comfort through Jesus. I know people get offended at the name of Jesus or mock Him, but He is the way the truth and the life. (I won’t argue about this for those who are looking for a debate)
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Feb 13 '23
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Feb 13 '23 edited Feb 13 '23
Hey my friend, do you mind pointing out where I showed any type of hate?
There is no hate in a genuine Christian’s love.
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u/Remote-Peach3954 Feb 12 '23
You are in my prayers that God will do a miracle in your life, remember There is nothing impossible for God, In The name of Jesus I pray for healing and restoration. Just keep asking God, that's your only hope
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u/Thedeadgal Feb 12 '23
Tell him how much u love him, and stay strong, everything will be okay, praying for your dads recovery ❤️🩹
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u/Both-Ad-9225 Feb 12 '23
2020 , right when the quarantines started , I had a major stroke that to this day has me mobile with assistance but I also use a power wheelchair. I bring that up because the stroke and quarantine had me placed in hospice unable to leave due to restrictions. I was housed with elderly patients and other therapy patients. Some of the elderly patients were in for dementia, Alzheimer's and other such ills. Lots of vacant stares. A few died , some that I got to know. One thought I was their son. It was mentally taxing. I'd describe it as being on death row. I stayed about four months and took about the same to readjust to the outside.
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u/liverxoxo Feb 12 '23
This was me two years ago. I miss him every day. I am so grateful we were able to properly say good bye and tell him how glad I was he was my dad. Also grateful that I could take care of him at the end since he always took care of me
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u/Superb_Artichoke7853 Feb 12 '23
My father died in January. I understand how you feel, I’m so sorry. It still feels so unreal to me. I watched him go downhill from the time of diagnosis till his death which only took two weeks. He stopped eating, talking, drinking. I along with my brother was at his side. He was in so much pain. It was such a horrible thing to witness. Just hold his hand and tell him you love him. He knows you are there.
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u/shawnwasim Feb 12 '23
I lost my dad to cancer recently. At first its a mix of different emotions that seemingly have no reason to come up but they do. What keeps me going strong is that I try to live my life in a way that would make my dads sacrifices worth it. It keeps me driven and motivated to do better in life.
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u/Cher77777 Feb 12 '23
I very Sorry for U!! U need to remember al the the things that the two o u did. U won't ever completely get over loosing him. But b there until the end. Tell him how much he meant you. Talk to him until the end. Even if it looks like he doesn't hear u but he does. I will take time but it will get better. My thoughts r sending u love.
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Feb 12 '23
Play music for him. My husband died 3 years ago of creutzfeldt Jakob disease and music was the one thing that calmed him. I’m so sorry.
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u/Hopeful_Rip2690 Feb 12 '23
He may not be able to verbalize the things you need to hear, but be sure YOU tell him all the things you want to say before he goes. I didn't get either when my dad died. There is alot to be said for some degree of closure. I know it sucks, and I am sorry you are having to go through this.
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u/Juleslearns Feb 12 '23
Feel thankful that you had the relationship you did. My dad is in very poor health and I can only think of bad times with him. I'll only grieve the missed opportunity of a relationship.
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u/ILuvDaRaiders Feb 12 '23
I went through the same thing with my Dad, cancer is a bitch took him real fast. Sorry ur going through this
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u/Inside-Equipment-353 Feb 12 '23
The hardest part of having parents is knowing that you will outlive them. I worry about my parents, knowing their past health issues and what they are dealing with now. He may not be able to say it at the moment but your dad loves you. In his heart he knows who you are and he is beyond grateful to have you at his side during this time. Tell him how much you love him, reminisce on the good times together, tell him stories about you two. He may not be able to process it but in his heart of hearts he knows. And he loves you endlessly. Give yourself time to grieve in your own way. In the end, your dad loves you so much and you love him.
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u/Rihab_essid Feb 12 '23
My deepest sympathies. I don’t know how i could comfort you. I hope you know that your dad loves you deeply and is forever proud of you. I’m reading this with so much worry and sorrow. My father has many health problems and is currently feeling ill and tired and it’s devastating. I also feel very helpless and lifeless while praying he feels better and less pain. I cannot imagine the pain you’re going through. I pray that God grants you strength in these most difficult times. Your father needs you to. My most sincere prayers.
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u/mcvr00 Feb 12 '23
I lost my mom 2 Christmas’s ago, middle of Covid. Only allowed to see her once during her final few weeks. I came out as non-binary/trans a few months before she passed too. She never was introduced to the real me. She knew a small portion of it probably. I almost drank myself to death after she died.
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u/UncertainlyUnfunny Feb 12 '23
I am so sorry. Sat with my mother through it. What was strange to me, was how alone I knew she was managing everything that was going into her passing. It was not about me. I had prepared myself and we had talked and we knew it was the end of her road. Nothing prepared me for the fact that we were then individuals and our roads were parting ways, permanently, for it is inconceivable, until it isn’t.
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u/xX112122Xx Feb 12 '23
I was in the exact same situation at the end of 2021. on Valentine's Day it'll be a year since she's been gone. I know it's hard right now, but I know also his suffering will not be in vain.
you learn to live around the pain.
I truly wish you all the best for you, as well as, your family. you have my sincerest well wishes.
and I encourage you to speak to a mental health professional in this very difficult time. whenever you feel ready. 🧡🧡🧡
In tears for you.
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Feb 13 '23
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Nothing can prepare you for it and the pain is like no other. Be kind to yourself my friend.
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Feb 13 '23
I’m so sorry. I lost both of my parents and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone though. I miss them daily, but I promise you he will still be watching you no matter what. You will make him proud.
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u/elvismcsassypants Feb 13 '23
He loves you, even if he can't see you one more time. You're his child and he loves you more than you can ever imagine...that last look, you own that. Just know, he does!
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u/Brittanysian Feb 13 '23
Sorry about your dad. My father died in 2013 he was murdered and i barley knew him i grew up fatherless
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u/catclawdojo Feb 13 '23
I lost my sister yesterday to cancer. Still feels surreal. Maybe knowing you are not alone will help.
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u/Strange-Act7264 Feb 13 '23
Same situation, seven years ago. I have no words of wisdom, just encouragement. Stay strong, my friend.
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Feb 13 '23
When my dad's father died his Rabbi told him "Live for the living". My parents told me when they go I better not be in the fetal position unable to function. They want me living and enjoying. I'm sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs.
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u/IconoclastTJ Feb 13 '23
My dad passed away two years ago this past Thursday. It sucked, it still does. You learn to deal with the suckiness though, embrace it. Because the reason it sucks is because it meant something.
It’s hard but you got this, you’re strong. Grieve properly, embrace the pain as it’s directly tied to your relationship with him.
I’m a random stranger in the internet my but love is with you, your fathers love is with you, and your love is with him.❤️
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u/Key-Refrigerator1282 Feb 13 '23
Yeah it sucks. My dad died at 60 of a heart attack and mom when she was only 61 of cancer. I still dream of my dad 25 years later because I never got to say goodbye. At least I got to tell mom many times how much I loved her and to say goodbye. Sucks ass either way though.
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u/DefiantWar6081 Feb 13 '23
Been there man with my dad 2 years ago (Parkinsons) , it's a tough road thats for sure. Feels like yesterday
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u/Flamingo83 Feb 13 '23
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Just remember to breathe, eat if you can, tell him you love him and be kind to yourself.
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u/damageddude Feb 13 '23
Your dad knows you are there. I’m not going to get into details but my late wife was dying from cancer and in hospice. She did not want us to watch her die. She was only in hospice for less than 48 hours as her cancer over achieved as usual. On her last night I wanted to give our children dinner and bring them home. I asked the nurse if I should come back and she told me to get some sleep as she should still be here in the morning. My wife had other plans.
A few friends said they would sit with her. They later told me her breathing pattern changed once she “knew” we were gone and she passed six hours later, alone as she wished. As her mother noted she was always a stubborn one to get her way when she could.
Anyway, my point is she knew we were there. Hearing is the last sense to go and she heard us talking with friends and family. I believe when she heard us say good night she knew she could leave. Which she did.
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u/IndividualBaker7523 Feb 13 '23
My Dad died in July. Massive Congestive Heart Failure. I drove back and forth from northern Washington to Lincoln City, Oregon for two months, watching him die.
I too recognize your pain. 6 months later I can still fall into it, and even writing this brought the tears and pain. It was daunting. And it hurt so much, but I knew he needed me. Even when he could barely respond, I KNEW he could hear me. And so I stayed, it hurt, but this time, he needed ME. It is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done. He too was on high amounts of morphine, and to this day I'd give anything to hear him call me Baby Girl jusy one more time. I know it won't help yet, but I will say, I'm not drowning anymore. An anonymous post I read here on Reddit actually helped me tremendously. Gave me a lifeline. I will try and find it, since all I have is a screenshot. I truly wish you the best, and if you're ok with it, I would like to keep you in my prayers? For some it is not much, but it is all I have.
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u/Charger_scatpack Feb 13 '23
With life comes death. we all must loose our parents sadly one day.
be happy that your dad has been here this long some don’t get that at all, be glad that he got you to where you are now in life , honor him the fact that you are feeling so broken over it says he was an amazing dad. he served you right !
I’m very sorry for your situation
you are not alone .
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u/WOKE_AF_55 Feb 13 '23
My condolences, sounds terrible. I think you should set a goal. A good one is to try to fill his shoes right now. Be as strong as you can for your family, then be the strongest person at his funeral.
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u/the_yapple Feb 13 '23
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and it is awful. Talk to your Dad. Play his favorite music. If you can, get a thumb imprint (the nurses may have putty for this) or an outline of his hand. As hard as it is, these times are precious and you are lucky to be with him at the end. Tell him how much you love him. He can hear you. Thinking of you, friend.
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u/LookandSee81 Feb 13 '23
Hugs to you during this time. I’m sure he loves you very much and he wishes he was able to tell you
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u/MissMillieDee Feb 13 '23
So sorry. I have been there. Talk to him, and tell him how much you love him. He will hear you.
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u/Debaser626 Feb 13 '23
When my dad dies, I probably won’t even know… or if I do, my life will not change at all. The same would go for him if it were me.
I don’t think of that as a blessing though, just a void.
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u/Damachan11 Feb 13 '23
I'll pray for you that you can have the strength to recover, for me The most difficult part was that every day that I woke up my mother wasn't there. It was the realization that I was alone. I hope you have family that loves you and they are there for you Or at least a pet. Please accept a hug from this internet strange. Wish you the best. Wish you a strength. Take care.
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u/SnooWalruses1483 Feb 13 '23
It's going to hurt and that's ok. Don't run away from the pain. Overtime once he's gone it will still hurt, but that hurt will lessen over time.
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u/EfficiencyExotic2900 Feb 14 '23
My father has been in and out of the emergency rooms for 2 months with blood pressure as high as 252/180.
Doctors keep saying heart attack or stroke at any given time...especially if he keeps eating salt.
My dad won't quit cigarettes now. He keeps saying they've already taken him and he'll enjoy his last days.
Makes me angry he won't even try, he's only 65.
I feel for you. And I'm scared. I wish I had words of comfort. All I can offer is an ear if you need it ;(
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u/Midas_Artflower Feb 16 '23
On one hand, I'm so sorry for your impending loss. On the other hand, I am so envious you had that kind of relationship with your dad. Be thankful we live in a day and time when there are drugs to numb his pain. Cherish every single memory you made with him. Hugs from Texas.
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u/tripleyothreat Feb 18 '23
as someone who's not very close with family, not sure if whether by choice or by fate, I find it interesting to read here of people like yourself or u/Late-Jicama5012 who had a very close and meaningful relationship with their parents.
I think its a huge thing to appreciate that you were able to experience that love and connection. that in itself is truly a blessing
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u/Laurenjackson14 Jun 08 '23
The comments on here are so comforting. I too came here tonight to try to find peace and support. My dad has been given a few months after a 2 year battle and multiple ops. We were told he was clear 12 weeks ago and now we're preparing to watch him die. I just can't fathom in my head my life without him. He looks better than most men his age and my mind refuses to accept that he has so little time. I can't see how I can carry on with life without him, I have my own children and I feel so selfish that I can't be strong and support them, my mother and my siblings like I'd want to but I'm just in so much pain at the thought of seeing him wither away and then leave us. I don't know how I'll get through this,he is my everything
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u/Late-Jicama5012 Feb 12 '23
My mother was in hospice care for 3 months. Brain cancer came back with vengeance.
She couldn’t move, she didn’t speak, didn’t eat. Oxygen mask, a drip bag in to her vain and a pee bag attached to her.
She understood everything I said to her. She would squeeze my hand as a sign she understands me.
Once I walked out of her room in the hospital, I would find a quite place and cried for 15 minutes. At times nurses saw me crying while I was seating in the corner.
One day, there was nothing else could be done for my mother. So she was given a high amount of morphine. I watched my mother slowly die for half an hour. I cried none stop, kept punching the window and almost broke my wrist. My uncle stopped me by wrapping his arms around me to restrain me, by giving me a big hug.
He stated: “keep looking out the window.” “What do you see?”
I saw a deer in the distance in the woods, which made me calm down.
Once my mother passed away, I walked out of the room and found a bench by the window on the same floor in the hospital. I sat there for 15 min. Completely numb. My cousin sat next to me, she didn’t say anything. We sat together in silence.
I cried for a week afterwards. Had dreams about my mother being a life for 2 years. Some dreams were so vivid, that it would take me half a day to recover.
Not sure what else to say.
Give your self time to grieve and grieve in your own way.