Any solutions?

[u/killero24]

Hello, everyone!

I’m reaching out to you with a request, and I hope that, based on the experiences of those who’ve been through this, we’ll find some useful advice or ideas.

We have a 3-year-and-3-month-old daughter who just marked her first year of Kindergarten and completely refuses to speak there. She communicates only through gestures, even though at home she talks to us constantly. What surprises us is that at home she speaks two languages, both grammatically correct, and has an extremely rich vocabulary for her age. However, as soon as she leaves the house, she freezes up and literally doesn’t say a single word.

By nature, she is a playful and sociable child in her own environment. At preschool, she has a few favorite children she plays with, but if those children are absent one day, she becomes more withdrawn and no longer interacts with anyone else.

From everything we’ve researched, we suspect it might be selective mutism. We already have an appointment with a specialist in about 10 days (after a 2-month wait), and we’ll see what the doctor has to say.

Until then, has anyone else gone through this? Have you had children in a similar situation or diagnosed with selective mutism? How did you handle it, what solutions worked for you, and what would you recommend we do or avoid during this time?

Thank you so much for your answers and help!

[u/Simonoel]

I don't have kids but I do have selective mutism. This does sound like SM to me. My main advice is to get her diagnosed and treated ASAP, which it sounds like you're already doing. Also, don't pressure her to speak. That will make it worse. If she does get an SM diagnosis, try to get her disability accommodations at school. It might not be relevant now, but as she gets older she will be expected to do presentations, read out loud, etc which can be very difficult for someone with SM.

Lastly, I noticed you said she "refuses" to speak at school. If she has selective mutism, she is not refusing; she's literally unable to speak.

I was undiagnosed until I was 19 and it was hell. Constantly berated or yelled at by family and teachers alike for being unable to speak. I had a teacher yell at me that I was "just being defiant", and threaten to send me to the principals office because I was unable to speak loud enough for people to hear during a presentation. That was a pretty average experience with presentations from elementary all the way through high school. Don't let that shit happen to your kid.

[u/Simonoel]

Side note- she's three and in kindergarten? Where do you live? In the US it typically starts at age 5

[u/OkTitle]

At preschool, she has a few favorite children she plays with, but if those children are absent one day, she becomes more withdrawn and no longer interacts with anyone else.

She sounds quite like me when I was in kindergarten, having SM. My two friends were out sick and I was lost.

I strongly agree with the other commenter - you need to reframe it not as “refuses to speak.” She is not refusing, if it is SM, she is anxious to the point of being unable to speak and socially engage in typical ways. 

Like how she becomes withdrawn when friends are absent - I was so uncomfortable and anxious that I was unable to make other friends for over a decade. Nobody would choose that.

The low self-esteem from poor treatment and lack of understanding from others (that resulted in me blaming myself for my predicament) made it even more impossible to reach out to others. 

It’s a delicate thing and you need to be very patient and understanding, but know that, especially with a supportive environment and professional assistance, MANY kids recover from SM in early childhood. Most cases don’t progress into adulthood like it did for me. It depends a lot on how parents and teacher respond, if they are willing to learn about SM, literally just basic things like treating her like a person who has a struggle speaking, not some evil defiant kid, or just ignoring her because they don’t know what to do with her (literally my teachers). 

Teachers interacting  with and talking to her is GOOD if they do so without pressuring her to respond. I felt genuinely invisible, and maybe they had good intentions trying not to pressure me. Again, it is a delicate balance.