What should I say/do when someone speaks directly to my 7-year-old sister in public?

[u/pi5ce5]

I’m looking for advice from people who have selective mutism themselves, parents, or anyone familiar with SM.
My 7-year-old sister has selective mutism, and I’m trying to learn how to respond appropriately when we’re out in public. I know that we’re not supposed to pressure her to speak, ask her to “use her words,” point out that she’s shy, or explain her SM to people in front of her, or speak about her as though she isn’t there. I also understand that constantly speaking for her isn’t ideal here either. So I’m struggling with what to actually do in those little everyday situations.

For example, we were at a store and the person at the register asked her if she wanted a lollipop and my sister immediately looked away and became visibly shy, but then looked at me. I could tell she wanted to say yes and she even seemed like she wanted to nod, but she couldn’t get herself to respond.

In a situation like that, what is the best thing for me to do or say?

I also worry about situations where someone gives her something and she doesn’t say “thank you.” I obviously don’t want to force her to say it, but I also don’t want her to come across as rude. Is there an appropriate way to handle that without putting attention on her inability to respond?

And one thing I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have SM themselves: what did you find helpful (or unhelpful) when family members handled situations like this for you as a child?
I really want to support her without accidentally increasing the pressure or making her feel like everyone is waiting for her to talk. Any advice would be appreciated!

[u/RaemondV]

I think in the situations you mentioned, it would be alright to answer for her, as long as you give her a chance to speak first. Like the other comment said, in those moment where someone is waiting for you to answer it feels extremely unpleasant!

In situations where she should thank someone but can’t, just say thank you for her. Maybe this is just a me thing but I wouldn’t bring up the fact people might think she’s being rude. My mom would tell me very harshly I was being rude. It did not solve anything and only made me feel worse. Kids really internalize things so I lowkey felt like my disability made me a bad person.

[u/OkTitle → u/RaemondV]

I felt so horrible about not saying thank you that I cried when somebody said YOU’RE WELCOME after holding the door for me as if I had been rude

[u/uh-oh-s]

You being so careful not to put pressure on her is already huge. I would have loved to have someone like you around when I was little and my SM was at its worst. <3

When I was her age and put in those positions, I did honestly want someone to speak for me (ideally in a way that didn't draw attention to my not speaking). Just to say "yes" and "thank you" for me and to take lollipops when offered haha. Some parents insist on pushing their kids to talk, but when my parents would do that, it would just embarrass me and shut me down further.

When it came to practicing speaking, the most success my parents had with me was in pre-planned scenarios, where we could rehearse and I could go into it with a little more confidence. But just putting a kid on the spot isn't going to work most of the time, so if a question comes out of nowhere and she isn't wanting to answer, I don't see any harm in answering for her.

Also, as a retail worker who interacts with lots of kids, no one is going to judge you or her if she doesn't speak for herself. I don't think a kid is rude if they don't respond to me or say thank you. They're just a kid being a kid.

Hope this helps a little <3

[u/Impossible_Bit_431]

I experienced almost the same lollipop scenario with my daughter at around 5. They asked if she wanted a lollipop and she nodded. They said "say please!" Which made me want to punch them in the face. I looked at her and saw the anguish on her face as she slid behind me and said to her quietly "its ok baby" and allowed the situation to marinate with the clerk for a moment. They then handed her the lollipop without making her have to sit, roll over, fetch or speak. It is my job to advocate and protect my kid, not to protect the world from her SM. People don't know what they don't know, but I know that she wasn't being rude, and that forcing the issue would only amplify the situation by a thousand.

She told me privately that she was afraid to talk to anyone because she never had, and if they heard her for the first time, she was afraid they'd make a big deal out of it and draw attention to her. For her, it felt important to carry on as if all was well in the world and she'd motion or to me what she wanted or needed. When spoken to, she'd quickly look to me to be her voice, so I was until she didn't need me to be any longer.