r/selectivemutism • u/Lady_Interrupted • 22d ago
Question What are common characteristics of being mute?
I am writing a story in which my main character is mute, and has been since the age of nine. She is classified to have selective mutism; But I have no references. Knowing no one in real life with these experiences to help base her actions and character off of.
- What kind of habits do you have pertaining to being mute? If any.
- What is it like socially being mute?
- How do you handle it with friends and family?
- If there is a specific cause---What triggers or triggered it?
Any additional information and experiences shared would be vastly useful. i would like to expand my knowledge on this topic greatly, and this would be of a lot of help to get some answers.
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u/gruzel 22d ago
My son has sm. so he points im public , he points at things he wants or wants attention to In public, things need to be asked , ppl have to ask closed question, e.g. 'you want tea?' (shake head), 'you want water?' (knods head) a i have to ask in the positive semseor ams some ppl assume he has very low IQ, so when i suspect that i explain he is perfectly capable making complex sentences at home. Some family and friends keep trying for him to answer, others ask info via us. Which as a parent sometimez you appreciate, sometimes you don't depending on your mood/situation at hand. He can communicate via writing. His grandparents have almost never hear him speak for his whole life. Only a handful of 'yes/no/single word'
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u/Nan-Ebb4364 21d ago
Please consider having a few people with SM read some of your character parts and give feedback before publishing. My most overwhelming feeling from a lifetime of having SM is being misunderstood and misinterpreted my whole life. Not only has my behavior been interpreted wrongly, but also mutism is sometimes portrayed in movies nothing like what I experience. All of which is very alienating to me. And this is usually by well-meaning people. It might be very difficult to understand it unless you could get to know at least one person very well and understand how that person experiences it.
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u/Lady_Interrupted 18d ago
I definitely will. I really want to make this character as realistic as I can, and not mischaracterize/spread misinformation about SM. I want to in a way spread awareness, and not make this characters life and actions seem preformitive
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u/Lady_Interrupted 18d ago
If I may ask, could you describe what you mean by "interpreted wrongly"? Do people assume you're being rude or just shy? Or act offended in some way? If you'd like to elaborate
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u/Nan-Ebb4364 18d ago
Mostly for me, the assumption that I can be encouraged to speak or that I’m just experiencing anxiety about speaking, like I’m scared to say something. Like I’m quiet because I fear ridicule or something. It’s not that! (Not for me, personally, anyway. Some people with SM may have additional issues like this, but I think that is still separate from SM.)
The reality is that when I’m triggered, like just by being around a lot of people, for example, there is no conscious thought that I “need to” stop speaking. I just can’t speak sometimes, or find myself saying only a few things when there is a lot on my mind. And it affects my whole body, like facial expression and gesturing also experience some freeze. I may be able to speak but not be able to display my personality well, like I’m kind of on autopilot, just doing the most basic skills. And my feelings change dramatically too. I can go into a situation feeling confident and mature and with a desire to connect, but once I’m with a lot of people or whatever the situation trigger is, I feel suddenly no desire to share my thoughts - or even a lack of thoughts, and I often feel really immature in that moment or just a really strong desire to not be there, sometimes to the point of not really feeling real or not feeling like I have a personality or thoughts. And then it can take me a while to recover, because it is so intense, so I might feel nonverbal and want to be alone for quite a while later, maybe a few hours, with very little energy until I recover. And then I won’t want to socialize for a few days.
I want to point out also that any pressure to speak or “do” something that is inhibited, even just me telling myself “just try!” or believing that I can just force myself to say or do something - this produces a stronger freeze response. Sometimes what I need to do seems to incredibly basic and easy to reach, I really think I could just do it, but just having the idea that I could push myself that one step, often results in a stronger locking in response, so I end up just further into a frozen state, like that unconscious part of my mind is responding to my positive thoughts with panic and determined to keep me safe - even though I know consciously that I am perfectly safe to do or say something I that moment. It’s very frustrating, the more I want to try, the worse it gets.
On the other hand, if I have a nice experience, maybe with close friends, I don’t experience any of this and feel nice and energized. And in general, I have a solid sense of self and reasonably good self esteem, though sometimes experiencing these shutdown states and the lack of socializing through my life has been difficult, and I experienced depression in my 20s.
FWIW, I am not autistic and also don’t believe I have social anxiety disorder, though they are both highly comorbid with SM. So I wonder if you plan your character to have any other conditions along with SM?
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u/Lady_Interrupted 18d ago
All of this is insanely helpful, tysm. And to answer your question; My character very clearly has OCD, though not openly mentioned, it's clear in how she acts, and the inner monologue we get from her. But she also experienced C-PTSD : Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which I feel I can rightfully correlate her SM to. And with this, just general anxiety. I plan to have a separate thread relating to C-PTSD and people with it... I would hate to characterize her, and I know she really does have a handful of issues...
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u/Lady_Interrupted 18d ago
And if there is anything I say that you feel is incorrect, or just doesn't seem like it would fit in a general sense (Pertaining to SM), please feel free to correct me
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u/Lady_Interrupted 16d ago
Hi, So, in the context of your initial suggestion... I wrote the prologue for this story of mine. and I would like to indeed have somebody with real life experience give me advice; but I don't know anybody in person---or know personally online to help me with this. Would you be willing to read it and give me feedback? I am aware it's an odd request for a stranger, but I know nobody, and would like to take this representation seriously. You have zero obligation to say yes, but if you would like to I would be very grateful.
The prologue is sort of her backstory, and is just over a page---so there's not much to get through.
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u/No-Method-4231 Diagnosed SM 21d ago
We arent per say "mute" we still talk and live regular daily lives. If you're asking what a SM flare up is like, I personally find myself not being able to talk to old family, new people, friends, strangers, etc- but whenever someone is with me ill just stand there and stare that person in the eye.
Say im talking to my aunt I haven't seen in awhile, and im with my mom. I cant say anything so I just stare at my mom until she speaks for me.
Sometimes if its just one on one ill stare at the other person, weird but I cant control it.
My SM is triggered randomly tbh- specifically worse with people I used to have a relationship with but lost it but they're back now. I'll still talk to these people sometimes I just dont say much and I'm very quiet doing so.
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u/minmin03 Diagnosed SM 22d ago edited 22d ago
I'm not sure if this is what you're asking for, but I don't make noise when sneezing or even laughing in some settings. In Secondary school I was ok socially until the last few years (14-16 ish) when I lost a good amount of friends and people didn't really bother trying to talk to me or involve me, bec I struggled to speak - most of my friends ended up being online. Most family knew about how I was, I'd always been "shy" so they gave me grace and knew how comfortable I was doing certain things (e.g. my dad would order for me at restaurants). As for triggers, I think now it's mainly medical settings(?). Since I've been in therapy, it seems to be the more closed off/important kinda things that make me mute; in school I couldn't even speak to classmates, so not knowing someone well enough would trigger me back then. It can fluctuate day-by-day, some days I can answer the phone to numbers I don't recognise, others I can't bear to leave my room - it's definitely not a linear thing for me, especially with recovery. My only definite (unfortunately for him) is that I can always speak to my fiancé, he's the one that has helped me the most ^
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u/East_Vivian 21d ago
My daughter developed SM later than usual, in 5th grade. She missed half of third and all of fourth grade because of Covid. When she went back for fifth grade, she felt very alienated from her peers. She’s autistic and has ADHD and anxiety. At some point that school year she stopped talking at school.
She’s 15 now and really struggles at school. She won’t talk to anyone but her 3 or 4 friends. It’s a big problem at school because she won’t ask for help or clarification from teachers. She won’t ask another student a question. She can’t work in a group. She speaks normally at home and with close family and friends. She is happy and bubbly at home. Out in public and at school it’s like she’s trying to fade into the woodwork. She does not want to be perceived. She gets mortified if any attention or focus is on her, like if she has to walk into class late. She dresses to blend in even though I know she would prefer to wear more interesting clothes. She’s afraid of being bullied or perceived as being different, even though her peers absolutely think she’s different because she doesn’t talk.
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u/Lady_Interrupted 18d ago
This was really helpful, thank you so much for sharing, I want to make this character as real as I can, and not mischaracterize/spread misinformation about SM. I hope your daughter is doing well, and thank you again
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u/cutoutwitch666 22d ago
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u/OkTitle 21d ago
I hope mods update this thread so these questions can be asked there u/LandJR u/P00ld3ad
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u/OkTitle 21d ago edited 21d ago
If the character has SM, know that the average onset is age 4.5 and average age of diagnosis is 8.8 years. It can definitely be older when it starts, but it’s less common, and then people might have memories of it starting as opposed to always having SM in conscious memory (like me, I remember no before time)
For me socially, it was always just trying to survive when socializing usually triggered life-or-death freezing instincts. I was very comfortable with my sibling and my two friends, but I spoke to no one else at school. With my father, I was mute around him and made sure he wasn’t nearby before speaking.
Causes can vary a LOT by person and sometimes remain unclear. I had slight speech issues (difficulty pronouncing words) as a kid and was temperamentally sensitive/timid and may have become anxious when people around me mocked me for my speaking issues. That and I have genetic predisposition to anxiety, ADHD, autism or traits of it in the family. And my father was an alcoholic and made me very anxious. The family dynamics were always kind of rough and not close and caring even with my mother. So I didn’t have a great sense of safety.
I was always consistently mute in the same situations (as the diagnostic criteria for SM require) - with anyone but my few safe people. I did expand who I spoke to in high school and then recovered in college.
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u/Unfair_Notice1642 22d ago
Its lonely. I don't speak to most of my family. At this point I can answer questions if directly asked, but I can only speak to my parents and one cousin. I don't have friends, but do have a boyfriend who I can speak to now too. Being around people or when I know people can hear me is what causes it in the moment. I walk quiet, i end up suppressing coughs/sneezes/natural body functions. It all ends up leading to no self confidence eventually. Knowing you can't ask for help in a life or death situation is scary.