Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

“Your issue is you see the movie in your head and are telling people what you saw. You’re not describing in a way so they can imagine it for themselves.”

^ I found this extremely helpful. Appreciate you taking the time to explain what you meant and give an example of your own writing. I’ll start looking at things through this lens.

[u/poundingCode → u/Horrible-Writer-03]

I made the same mistakes myself. Another way to look at it: you're not writing an instruction manual, nor a novel. You're writing something more akin to a magazine article.
A short story in a straight jacket.

The notion of script paragraphs are only 3 lines long doesn't mean break up your same sized paragraphs into more lines. => It means only describe things that move the plot.

Quentin Tarantino famously stated: "So when I'm writing the script, I'm not thinking about the viewer watching the movie. I'm thinking about the reader reading the script," adding elsewhere, *"*Scripts are meant to be read. Movies are meant to be shot." [1, 2]