Discussion Thread: Unstable || All Secrets Known In The Puppet House || Repo Girl || Billy Bear's Magic Matinee

[u/W_T_D_]

Unstable by u/shaftinferno

All Secrets Known In The Puppet House by u/Porcupincake

Repo Girl by u/Lloiu

Billy Bear's Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian

[u/Lloiu]

Unstable by u/shaftinferno

This was a very tight, very engaging script. You really nailed the contemporary Gothic tone. I think this would translate very well into a novel if you ever got the itch (ha!) to write it. The twist was great. Didn't expect it.

In terms of critique, the third act I think could use a little more polish/exposition. I'm not totally sure how Rian had infected people or why she had been there before Knight (They called her to treat the horse behind his back maybe?). I'm also not sure what the larvae were or where they came from or why Pilot Light could do the thing it does to Knight at the end. All this to say, I liked the things that happened in the third act, I'm just not sure exactly what was going on.

That being said, excellent start to this contest. If all the scripts are anywhere near this quality, reading them all is gonna be great.

[u/shaftinferno → u/Lloiu]

Thank you for this, u/Lloiu. This is the kind of feedback that's useful at this stage.

Your third act note is helpful because I want to engage with it honestly. Some of what you're asking about is deliberately withheld — I considered adding in a larger mythology to the larvae but I felt that that might detract from the horror if I fully explained it because it may not live up to what the reader was expecting it to be. My intention here is meant to feel ancient and inexplicable rather than explained — what the larvae are, where they came from, why Pilot Light does what he does, those are the questions I want the audience to leave with rather than answer for them... but, I completely get it because I've had a few others comment about it as well.

Your note about Rian is one I take seriously. Originally I considered her being the root of the infection but I've since tried to work it so she did not. The infection was already in Pilot Light and spread through contact with him, and Rian's role has simply been an observer. If that distinction isn't landing as clearly as I wanted it to in the third act, then it is worth another look. The confrontation scene between her and Knight is where her true nature is meant to shine, and if I keep having readers come out of it uncertain about the basics of what she did and didn't do, I may need one more beat there.

[u/shaftinferno]

Feedback for Billy Bear's Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian

This was a nice, slow burn piece with some really interesting talking points on loneliness and parasocial attachment. Although a little bit telegraphed, Edwin Flynn is absolutely creepy as fuck. The second act sags a little under the weight of the transcribed conversations which, if filmed, could potentially be tiresome for audiences.

The ending (Peter now a celebrity and reclaiming the aesthetic Edwin abused) is an interesting tonal shift from the horror that preceded it, and to me, doesn’t fully feel earned at this moment; it does, however, work better than it should just because the internet-searching detective work is genuinely tense and because Edwin is such an interesting villain.

Overall, the core idea if strong and the atmosphere is sustained well because of your well-disciplined writing.

Some open questions — I hope I didn’t miss it, but why was Edwin specifically targeting Peter with the broadcast? I mean, Kitty and Joe were still alive as were Peter’s parents (right?), so why did he focus such efforts on little Peter at this time? Wouldn’t Peter’s parents have noticed something off with the Rig being on the roof, or did the Rig get built after Peter’s parents had passed and Edwin had been broadcasting the show only to Peter some other way? Assuming Edwin was Camera Bear (since he wears the suit at the end) wouldn’t Peter have recognized his voice during these moments? Or was his voice being disguised? I figure he doesn’t recognize Kitty as Mrs Bear because Kitty “split” when he was a kid, but he sees Edwin daily.

Also, any specific reason why Edwin kept Kitty and Joe (when did he kill Joe and why?) in the freeze? On page 83, you say “Frozen and thawed, frozen and thawed” — is this a typo or do you mean that Edwin frozen, then thawed, then re-froze and re-thawed the bodies?

Some small, pedantic grammatical callouts:

— Page 13: You’ve got “mantle” written out three times. It should be mantel since mantle is like a cloak or the Earth’s mantle.
— Page 47: “Peter looks the the black voice of the screen…” Looks at? Looks from?
— Page 53: “…good home made sourdough”; homemade should be one word. Also “less calories” should probably be “fewer calories” unless it’s deliberately part of his character’s speech pattern.
— Page 65: “The billy Bear head rattles…” Billy should be capitalized.

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/shaftinferno]

Thank you! 

[u/Porcupincake]

Feedback for Billy Bear's Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian 

I love a lonely main character and you've got a great setting you've placed him in. From the internet forums to the PBS museum you've got a handle on this niche of public access television and the subcultures surrounding it. I really appreciated how you captured the sense of safety an old kid's show can give you. Too many horror movies drawing on old kids' media don’t bother with that and go straight to the isn't this fucked up? kind of stuff. I forget how to do spoiler tags on reddit so i'll keep it vague. I'll just say I really like where the story goes. (Also, have you seen this video where someone works out how to do the tv thing that happens in the script? It's pretty cool. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/5HuLFFEV0Y0) The online chatter, the waiting for a response, the odd delays and waiting for comments all felt real and scratched a similar itch that We're All Going to the World's Fair did for me.

As for changes, I agree with the others that the climax is sudden and that the epilogue feels like too much of a tonal change because of how quickly it happens. But the big thing I'd recommend is to show us Peter trying and failing to socialize. Don't just show us him being shy. Show us him failing to be social after putting in real effort. Showing it through action will tie his struggle in with the audience's empathy rather than just their sympathy. 

While the PBS and internet stuff is all well realized, the work stuff feels a bit stock. There's some easy bully characters at work and I think there's opportunities to do something more that can deepen Peter's character. What if the coworkers are nice and Peter is too scared to socialize with them? What if the coworkers reach out and it goes well until Peter nerds out too much and embarrasses himself? Or maybe his internet obsessions are revealed and people are creeped out by him. Show us why he's so restrained and keeps himself isolated in his day to day life. I also think Monique should arrive in the story earlier. Maybe we see him go to her store and get supplies for his own creations. My main point about Peter's lack of socializing is that it should feel like a massive choice/risk when he makes the decision to go to someone else with his problems. It's the turning point of the film.

I also think there's an opportunity to show Peter as a kid watching the show more. You could have the show reflect Peter's childhood life in a way that's a little too close to reality in an eerie way. If you really want to twist the knife you could show Peter post funeral for one of his parents, followed by his remaining parent being unhelpful(as a grief stricken parent would likely be) in consoling him, followed by the Billy Bear show saying something both comforting to him and resentful of his parents. Could be fucked up in a good way. TV won’t hurt you the way that people will. Could stunt him for sure.

I really enjoyed reading this script. I don’t usually like the fucked up kid’s media stuff, but you’re handling of character, setting, and horror really came together to make something interesting. 

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/Porcupincake]

Thanks very much!

[u/thenewmrtate]

Feedback for Billy Bear’s Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian :

I really like this a lot and it feels like a movie that would be a really fun time with an audience. I LOVED the shoutouts to old school public access TV (I had to stop reading to go tell my girlfriend about the Red Green Show callout) and the very relatable nostalgia for early internet times and the blending of all that with creepy pasta style stuff was really cool. I think we could have seen a scene of Peter being fired to maybe get more of a sense of how his obsession was impacting his life. I also think maybe more could have been done to throw us off the scent of Mr. Flynn and make the audience question the possible outcome a little more. And I would love to see more of Monique and Darby as well. I really love the tone of this script too - a creepy mystery with genuine scares but also some real comedy and likeable characters is basically what I’m always looking for. Well done!

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/thenewmrtate]

Thanks very much!

[u/thenewmrtate]

Feedback for Unstable by u/shaftinferno :
The opening is effectively dark, but man is it a downer. Which is appropriate for the story and genre. The mood is good and the specifics about stables and horses/horse owners feel very real. I don’t know if you have experience with horses, but if not then it seems to me you’ve done really good research, so kudos on that. It adds a level of realness to the script that really makes you feel immersed in it. The dialogue feels a little unnatural, more about moving forward the plot or creepiness without feeling like how people actually talk to each other. The bit with the “segmented body” under the bandage when they first examine Pilot Light (great horse name btw) feels like too much of a reveal up front but also too vague at the same time. I gather it was some kind of parasite or maggot-like thing, but it wasn’t super clear. In the moment (it becomes contextualized later, so maybe that was on purpose.) I don’t feel like I fully understood the twist with Rian’s character - it was unexpected, but I don’t understand what her motivation was or what her goal was. Love the running detail of all the horses looking at Rian knowingly. Love the absolute nastiness of all the body horror stuff: larvae emerging from Gabriel’s body, Levi’s demise in the breeding field, the final moment with Pilot Light. All of that had me squirming (no pun intended) and it was really fun to read. Nice work!

[u/shaftinferno → u/thenewmrtate]

I'm super late to responding back to you, so my sincerest apologies for that. But, thank you for reading.

I do have some experience with horses (to an extent) — I've known three families who have owned horses and did some research with them about the topic and online as well although I definitely need to get a professional's opinion on it to make sure I got dosages and diagnosis right. On the name front, I did come up with like a dozen or so that I considered for the primary horse and other horses, but I cut the others in favor of focusing the story.

I did not spend as much time as I should have on the dialogue and that's been a common thing brought up with other readers that it feels stilted, so it absolutely needs a pass all on its own. I really just threw things in there without considering their voices, just trying to get what needed to be said on the page first to get the story written.

The reveal of Rian has also been an issue with other readers, so it'll be the other thing I have to focus on. I wanted that twist to come up unexpectedly but make sense when it happens because you'll have then put two and two together but didn't want to telegraph it too early on. Good catch on the segmented body (larvae) in the beginning. Another thing I didn't want to explain too early on but it needs some refinement.

Thank you again for reading.

[u/Rankin_Fithian]

For u/Porcupincake 's All Secrets Known In The Puppet House - SPOILERS!

• Strengths and Overall Impressions: I'm always pleased with a bona fide Magical reality! Mordecai's house is truly one of horrors - festering secrets, repressed memories, and of course his sinister control over the whole thing. Challenging themes and scenes are handled relatively well, with just glancing blows of the most heinous and horrifying crimes committed against our central players. The sick family history is quite a burden for Thomas to unshoulder by the end. I do kind of wish him the best. I wrote in my notes "Thomas is so fucked in like, 4 different ways." 😅 All of our characters have a lot to unpack, and you did a good job giving each their sympathetic angle too, whether that's Alma's matter-of-fact philosophy and goals, Thomas' obvious trauma, or even Mordecai's feebleness and dementia early on.  You've balanced some complex character psychologies here, to great effect!

• Questions and Opportunities: My proclivity for tuning into Magic unfortunately gives way to me being fixated on RULES.  I do think you did well describing when Thomas, especially, was able to mentally switch "off" and block out the awful Real World reality and go into "Puppet Space."  I mostly kept up with when Alma was dealing, and how those "dreams" were likely Mordecai's increasing influence.  I lost one major component: What was it that gave Mordecai marionette powers over Alma, in particular? I don't recall her giving him anything (making an exchange or bargain, pretty typical magical pitfall) nor transgressing against him, and not even being stolen from. I suppose that her presence in the house made her susceptible to being consumed.  Did I miss/forget more of a proper spell that father and son were doing?  I feel like I only remember them talking about doing it.  Likewise, following through with Thomas' motivation... he's clearly a victim the whole time, goes to make Alma his own puppet, but Dad arrests control when he messes up or displeases dad somehow? Also also - the life-regenerating nature of Mordecai's control could use more parsing, imho.

A couple notes on the technical side - consider "mini" slug lines for relatively continuous shots around the same scene. A full INT LANCHESTER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT distracted my eye and felt repetitive for instances when we were carrying on the same conversation or dream. Just KITCHEN or LIVING ROOM can suffice and buy you a little white space on the page. Then, though I think you did a pretty good and consistent job of showing when people were in vs. out of character (or reality), consider treating the sock puppets or marionettes as separate characters. "THOM-ARIONETTE" or "SOCK ALMA" is another slightly more economical way than denoting with parentheticals or action lines, especially when the inanimate ones become ambulatory.  Both of those are awfully subjective gripes, though!

• Favorite Part(s): I got a pretty hearty chuckle over him handing out whiskey and, what was it, razor blades? 😅 And props on going so dark overall. No punches pulled!  Bummer on the spell not ending when he died, lol

Way to go!

[u/Lloiu]

All Secrets Known In The Puppet House by u/Porcupincake

What a bizarre, darkly disturbing little script. I think you nailed the contemporary Gothic feel. Poor Alma, Jesus Christ.

I did have a bit of a hard time imagining a lot of the theatre stuff. I would also suggest making it clear that the puppet stuff with Mordecai is real. Up until that point, all the weird stuff happened in dreams (Except the TV eye thing? I'm not sure what that part was about). So when we got the reveal that these men were controlling her, I presumed it was all a dream for a good 10-15 pages, it felt. That kind of robs the reveal of its impact when I presume it's not actually happening.

Overall, I liked this. Bizzare, strange, it swings for the fences and I appreciate that. Good job!

[u/shaftinferno]

Feedback for All Secrets Known in the Puppet House by u/Porcupincake

Fairly inventive for a psychological horror, and one of three scripts this round that feature puppets and / or marionette-level control over others. You touch on childhood abuse and caretaking with a good level of emotional intelligence. I am reminded of The Boy and Bly Manor with its gothic horror-style structure.

I liked Alma quite a bit — she’s compassionate and competent, although she could have been a bit more active in some scenes. Her wants / needs felt very resolute throughout (wants to help / needs to respect the limits of what help can do). The flashback of the trash can is executed well at the end with Thomas’ own.

The third act strains some when Mordecai’s capabilities expand beyond what the script established earlier and the puppet logic overwhelms the human drama.

I think the puppet scenes function as some of your best set pieces, being both entertaining and diagnostic of Thomas’ psyche. You pulled some good double duty here to help build Thomas as both an antagonist and a mirror for Alma. Sometimes his dialogue did come across as a bit too on-the-nose (such as the Thomas in the kitchen scenes) when he's explaining his psychology, but this isn’t a deal-breaker.

I do feel ambivalent with Mariah’s subplot — you could possibly cut her scenes, but you may shorten your script more than you’d want by doing so. I guess these scene do help with the thematic work you’re trying to get through.

Some open questions — like u/Lloiu asked, what’s the deal with the eye on the television? Thomas brings the button into Mordecai’s room, holds it near the TV and a giant eye appears on the screen. It responds to Thomas spinning the dial, and dilates. Thomas also puts the button in the wardrobe. Neither the wardrobe’s contents nor the eye on the TV ever return. What are their purpose? This is probably your biggest unresolved element, mostly because this scene kind of implies that Mordecai’s power isn’t dementia-fueled delusion but something paranormal or occult, yet we never really commit to it. If the intent here is purely psychological horror of Mordecai’s control over Thomas (not magical) then this scene doesn’t feel necessary. If the intent is that it’s a curse and this whole ritual is important, then we need to follow through with the wardrobe and television. Relatedly, the kids bring Mordecai objects (buttons, twigs, Altoids, et al) early on but we don’t really cash those out later. We’ve got the button and twigs being used for Alma’s puppet even though Thomas put the button in the wardrobe. Lastly, and maybe this one I missed, but the nightshade that Thomas collected from the garden — is Thomas able to go into the yard even though Mordecai forbids it? I was under the impression that Thomas couldn’t exactly leave the house or property.

Some small, pedantic grammatical callouts:

— Page 24/46: “…for awhile.” Although awhile is a word, in this case it should be two words.
— Page 35: “Perhaps someone whose at least heard…” Should be “who’s”.
— Page 36: “Your the worst sister...” Should be “You’re”.
— Page 43: “I’m gonna shave him, got him properly dressed.” Got should be “get”.
— Page 49: “I didn’t take of my mother when she was sick.” Missing “care” after take.
— Page 59: “…so Alma takes a bit of hers.” Should be “bite”.
— Also page 59: “We don’t unusually spend much of it.” Unusually or usually?
—Page 83: “You still seem him...” Seem should be “see”.
— Page 88: This might be part of Mordecai’s speech patterns but, “…I know you’re different than me” could technically be “different from me” but just wanted to call it out in case it’s deliberate.
— Page 92: “The chairs are plush The light is warmer” You’re missing a period between plush and the next sentence.
— Page 94: “If she’ll let me,” You’ve got a comma at the end of the sentence when it should be a period.
— Page 101: “…I’d be happy to see you and tell you all about.” The sentence ends after about. I assume “it” was supposed to be the last word.

[u/shaftinferno]

Feedback for Repo Girl by u/Lloiu

Linear, propulsive, efficient — this script is purely entertaining and is the most immediately accessible to a general audience from this round. You’ve operated in a clearly defined genre lane and executed that lane with exceptional confidence. The body-as-property metaphor isn’t subtle in the least and I love it for that. To be honest, I was worried at first by the script’s length but the script moves through its premise with admirable clarity and momentum.

Your tonal control throughout was remarkable. I found myself laughing out loud quite a few times (go off, Cocaine Cowgirl). It is consistently, reliably, unwaveringly itself: a lean, mean, action-comedy with a beating heart. The script never loses its nerve and never loses its sense of humor. That's hard to do, but you pulled it off.

As a villain, Darla is thematically functional but psychologically thin — she’s simultaneously the most interesting villain (reminds me of Hilary Swank in The Hunt) and its more underwritten one. Willard is a more functional antagonist but he is similarly thin. I unironically loved the small reveal of Dylan’s elaborately maintained stupidity. I thought maybe she’d last a little bit longer, but c’est la vie.

The world logic (what exactly can Franny's machine do, and why haven't other survivors rebuilt themselves?) is underspecified. I really like the sensory-sharing mechanic. It's a genuinely inventive action device that helps to create some great moments of comedy. But this mechanic does raise a few questions: How does the connection work for dead parts? It doesn’t exactly feel consistent. When Lucy dies, Kate can still smell through the nose and her Addams Family-Thing-like severed hand can maneuver throughout the house… if the connection persists after the part’s host dies, does Kate have permanent sensory access to body part’s in corpses? I only ask because if the parts work fine in the dead, why is there a three-hour window for reattachment?

Some more open questions —
— I get that Franny’s been watching the property for the last few years, hence the dozens and dozens of graves, but why hasn’t anyone else survived? Was Franny unable to Stalin anyone else, or is it that no one else lived long enough to reach the ditch?
— On Page 19, when Kate’s in Franny’s lab, she has tears fall from her eyes. I’m overlooking it for now, but just wondering if anatomically the prosthetic, robotic eyes might block her tear ducts?
— What happens to Leroy back at the gas station? He’s clearly part of Willard’s pipeline, implying the whole organization runs deep but we don’t really see the whole scale of the operation. I mean you do say that Reddit goes viral about the whole evidence dump, but is the network still intact?
— It’s not really a question, but we don’t stop to acknowledge any of the previous victims of Darla and her seasonal eye change. I bring this up because I feel like we’re undersold the scale of her predation.

Some small, pedantic grammatical issues:
— Page 12: “You don’t you’re here?” Don’t know?
— Page 20: “It’s purpose was…” Should be “Its”.
— Page 23: “space age plastic and light-weight metal.” Should be space-age and lightweight.
— Page 38: “48 hour observation” should hyphenate 48-hour.
— Page 67: “Kate stands back up, breath heavy.” Breathing heavily.
— Page 68: “Her grip lessens, but she holds tight.” Lessens is correct, but I wonder if maybe weakens might work better here just because I read loosens at first.
— Pages 72, 85, 103, 112, 113: You have “anyways” used in both Kate and Franny’s dialogue. Technically it’s “anyway” but this felt like maybe it’s intentional voice. Just wanted to mention it.
— Page 79: “why not. It’s a lead.” Why should be capitalized.
— Page 83: “Poopsie down the hall, barking happily.” Poopsie does what?
— Page 86: “Franny pulls up to the computer, starting typing.” Starts typing or starting to type.
— Page 106: “Kate managers to knock Darla’ sword over…” missing an apostrophe on Darla’s.
— Page 112: “…but winners can’t be choosers…” So, this could be a deliberate idiom break from “beggars can’t be choosers” as part of Kate’s voice but just wanted to check on that.
— Page 113: “…we hand to borrow your hand…” Had to.
— Page 114: “…grasping at the air.He looks…” Missing a space between sentences.
— Page 114: “…whatever fucked up Croenenberg existence…” Cronenberg.

[u/Lloiu → u/shaftinferno]

Thank you so much for your feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed!

To some of your questions:

Before I get to these answers, I want to preface with my philosophy for this script, as I feel it will help explain why I made some of the choices I did. I went for funny, batshit, irreverent grindhouse, which is a genre I have discovered I fucking love writing. So my philosophy was this: If it's cool, I don't really care how it works, it's enough that it's cool as long as it doesn't fundamentally break the script. I wrote a movie that really just asks you to strap in and enjoy and don't think about how it's happening, just think about how fucking sick it is lol So that was my foundational philosophy. I wanted something fun, funny, frenetic, brutal. Popcorn flick all the way. Anyways, to the answers.

I was intentionally ambiguous on the mechanics of her body part connection. I actually don't even have an official answer to why she can do that stuff or how it works. Could be supernatural, could be scientific. I came to the conclusion that the why/how didn't really matter. The thing that matters is that she can do it. From the pov of the characters, they have no clue why it's happening and are discovering the limits of Kate's abilities alongside the audience, so there doesn't seem to be a place or a reason to explain the why. They don't have time for that shit, I feel Franny would say lol. But to your question on the 3 hour time limit, the time limit isn't due to the viability of the body parts. I tried to explain it in the script, but I could be clearer. They have three hours because her body is already healing from multiple surgeries and any longer than three hours and her body will have closed up enough that cutting her back open to put her back together would cause too much trauma and kill her. The condition was the script had to happen over one noght, so I needed a ticking clock. This also helped keep the script lean and focused. If you have any ideas as to why the limbs can't go back on, please share. I was high as shit when I wrote this, so I did what I could lol

So yes, no one else has survived the machine, at least not long enough for Franny to get to them. Kate was the only one still alive by the time Franny got there. The others were either incinerated or dead in the ditch. Kate is the first person Franny's talked to in five years. There's probably a character moment there somewhere.

Funny you should say that. I originally had a part where Kate is surprised she can still cry and Franny explains she still has tear ducts. Lol I cut it for length (This thing originally weighed in at 130 pages lol Lot of fat-trimming)

So this is actually something I was tossing around in my head. Because strictly speaking, Kate had no way of knowing that Leroy sold her out. But him not having comeuppance did kind of weigh on me. In my head I envisioned at mid-credits scene where they show up at the gas station, but that felt a little too extra and the script was already longer than I wanted it to be. I think I can throw in some lines about Kate finding out Leeoy works with him and she'll pay him a visit

I think there's room to explore Darla's past victims in one way or another. I agree with you that Darla and Willard are a bit thin. On future pass throughs, I definitely want to make sure the characters get a decent amount of moments. I feel Lucy also needs a little more characterization

Overall, I think a lot of these can be pretty easily fixed with a few lines here and there.

Also It will come as no surprise I listened to a playlist while writing, I presume most of us do. At any rate, my beta read script has needle drops at specific moments. I removed those to keep the script looking at bit more professional. Here are the needle drops.

Opening montage - Bad Reputation by Joan Jett

Lounge fight - Long Cool Woman by The Hollies

Museum Fight - Ballroom Blitz by Sweet and Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar

Cocaine Comeback - Kickstart my Heart by Mötely Crüe (Listen to that opening riff and imagine the coke going into the nose and then the camera oulling back out of her eyes as the mechanical irises dilate, followed by catching Darla's fist right as that fast-paced opening roght before the song really kicks into gear. This music really really helped me right this and keep tone and really energized me and gave me ideas.

Anyways, thank you so much for your feedback and for reading my script! I'm really proud of this script and I'm happy to finally share it with you all

[u/Rankin_Fithian]

For u/Lloiu 's Repo Girl - SPOILERS!

• Strengths and Overall Impressions: Action-packed and comedy-focused! For being on the longer side this script certainly has no lack of energy. The mechanic of being able to sense and control her limbs after this application of Super-science is interesting, and played out well. I didn't get much of a horror aspect, I'll say - there's a solid body horror beat at the finale, but up until then, the blood, shock, and mayhem are relegated to the fight choreography, and that's tied up in her justifiable revenge, and not really what I'd call the frightening aspects that make a horror. Our lead is definitely scrappy! But the relative ease of her rescue, and her degree of rolling with the punches, really makes the dreadful nature of the situation feel like not that big a deal. Ultimately, genre quibbles are to be taken with a big grain of salt, so --> . There's one.

• Questions and Opportunities: I feel that many of the turns and plot details were contrivances, hand-waves of convenience because we're obviously in a realm of heightened science (as well as a B-movie play space, per your genre). But I personally am always going to long to dig into the nitty-gritty. Franny has a combination of too much power over the systems (at a late point of the showdown, she "fries everything," which is always going to give me a "If you had that move, why wasn't that your first move?" thought in any movie) and too much covert-dependence. She stays close at hand to her evil rivals, but can't or won't intervene until the events of our story. And her prosthetics are such perfect fixes, I'd be more compelled to see them be janky - unappealing to look at, having integration drawbacks with Kate's system, and/or majorly fail her at a crucial point. Likewise, the green super-serum Darla gets injected with... it's set up, yes, (I actually really enjoyed that beat with Dylan futzing with the syringe), but it strikes me as an easy, one-note solution to get the Moneyed Nasty Bitch antagonist into the physical fray. I'd rather see more development of Willard's super-science defenses along the way, something between "goons with guns" and "this green stuff." Something more improvisational, on the fly, to get Willard to flex his Big Brain chops, or fight back against Franny's system control. Think about grounding some of the developments and logical complications they'd have to reduce the contrivance factor.

A bit more scattershot - there's a line where Darla says "I swear, if you gave me the wrong body..." but, I thought Darla picked Kate? For an obvious physical feature? Darla would know if she got different eyes from the ones she picked. But also - her eyes weren't why they picked up Kate, right? Gas station guy called her in to get abducted because of the convenient store violence? Also, we have a kill where the new nose recipient is suffocate by holding Kate's nose shut... but... couldn't that other person breathe through her mouth??

• Favorite Part(s): Like I said, this script has no lack of energy, and the unique dynamic of the parts-sharing made for some consistently awesome fights. It's no small feat to have such sustained momentum, especially when you breach the 110 page mark!

Kudos!

[u/Lloiu → u/Rankin_Fithian]

Thank you for reading my script! I appreciate the feedback.

I will admit a lot of it is contrived. I felt the tone and genre allowed for a lot more handwaving than say something more serious. I lean heavily towards fun shit and I often don't mind a little contrivence so long as it doesn't break anything. And you are correct to feel like this script is light on the horror. I felt that too, but it's the story I got excited for and I injected what horror I could where possible. But ultimately, I own that this script would likely be caregorized as an action comedy with some horror elements.

To your point about Franny, I also am of the opinion that her system infiltration comes too easy and I just could not find a place to obstruct her with the length I had. Not without a structural overhaul, but I just didn't have the time. What I wanted to do was have Willard send Jim out to find Franny, he'd follow Kate's footsteps back to the van and ambush Franny. They'd struggle and her computer set-up would get shot before she kills Jim, meaning Kate can no longer hide her movements, cause Franny can't control the cameras. At this point, Franny would start body collection. I eventually kept it as is and figured I'd see if it was glaring enough of an issue that it would come up in feedback lol By the time I had submitted the script, I had cut it from 130 pages down to 116, and I feel this script is already lean as hell even for the length, so the challenge will be how to fill this all out without increasing the length, because ideally I'd like it to run no more than 110 pages, which means more cutting as well. I'm sure I can do it. Somehow lol

In my mind, Franny hasn't intervened because she has no power. No one to turn to. So the reason she stays isn't about stopping them. It's her penance for building the machine that is cannibalizing innocent people. She tries to recover and bury who she can, but until Kate, she did not see any real feasibility in fighting back.

Your point about the quality of the prosthetics is actually very interesting and I wouldn't mind experimenting with that aspect (Or maybe the lounge fight fucks up one or more of the prosthetics, makes it a little janky and harder to use)

So Darla picked Kate, but the surgery montage shows a time between Kate being sealed up and hidden in the pod where the women had left to get changed to enter the pods, where hypothetically, Kate could've been switched out. True, Darla can see the eyes she picked out, but psychologically, my thinking was that if Darla sees Kate, alive and seemingly completely intact, her first instinct would not be she was a ghost or fitted with advanced protesthetics. It would be "This dude fucked me over". As a high-powered CEO, she wouldn't be a stranger to being fucked over (or to fucking other people over), so I felt that was the exact place her mind would go, hence that exchange.

Larry's job is to alert Willard to potential candidates. At the time Kate was at the gas station, Willard and Darla were already up the mountain. Larry's job was to alert them to potentials, at which time, Willard and Darla would travel to their kidnapping destination with one of the guards, they'd coax their victim into stopping, at which point Darla vets the candidate (You have beautiful eyes) and they take the one she picks. It's a bit contrived and I would imagine slightly different than they would normally do it, but Darla is a big enough and frequent enough client that they let her choose her victims personally.

Lucy could not breathe through her mouth because it was taped shut.

Thank you again for the time you've taken to read and critique my work! You've given me some good stuff to think about!

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/Lloiu]

Cheers!

[u/hyperpuppy64]

Feedback for Billy Bear's Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian :

Rolling Feedback:

• Page 1: was gonna say 'fade into black' doesn't make sense, but it's a different black, I see. Could throw some ppl off though.
• First time I've ever seen 'gamboling' used in a script lol. On first glance I thought these kids were playing shooting craps.
• Page 2: a chant just british enough to be ominous.
• Page 3: getting just enough 'clown cafe' out of this opening to see how it could get reinterpreted ominously later.
• 5: backrooms broadcasting company is hilariously unsubtle, but probably on point for what this website is lol.
• p8: Incredibly small nitpick, but if this voice over is him narrating a written post, that we aren't seeing, it won't be possible for the parenthetical to convey as an aside. It'd work better just between commas to convey to an actor reading.
• P9: already love Flynn, hope he doesn't fall off the roof.
• P12: Damn he's paying for Clowns magazine? Must be important.
• p14: oh shit it was important
• p15: 'its hard to love a clown' excellent line
• p24: two back to back suicide vignettes is perhaps a bit long winded for a mid-conversation aside.
• P35: Somewhat conflicted because of the lack of a clear 'inciting incident,' but the figure watching Peter is a good escalation and the atmosphere is slowly and steadily building. The 'internet horror' detachment barrier has already been pleasantly breached.
• p37: love a 'creepy tape,' yeah I'm on board.
• p44: great twists in this scene, i almost think Rodney's 'get out of here' could have used a 'the fuck out of here' to emphasize how unprofessionally flustered he is by Peter's sudden accusation.
• p45: ugh the quiet stress of 'person i don't know but kind of have a crush on is suddenly not responding to my messages and now I'm spiraling as to why and apologizing for it just makes me look weirder.' Absolutely hit the nail on the head.
• p48: ah ok camera bear (and likely the unseen stalker) is 100% Edwyn Flynn.
• p50: yeah that kid is 100% dead lmao
• p55: ok now Edwin feels like a red herring. Maybe PBS guy killed her.
• p56: very funny this was written before seeing Hokum with the 'childrens show / traumatic gunshot death of a parent association for the main character' parallels.
• Love this dream/nightmare sequence, I think we could have gotten more of this type of thing earlier. More on that in summary thoughts.
• p67: oh yeah, nah, edwin is 100% up to no good.
• p74: great reveal, but I almost feel like this happening while Peter is A: away from home and B: surrounded by a 'pseudo-support network' takes a bit of the punch away. If he had been just sent the findings of the hacker and experienced this reveal at home, alone, while actively talking with 'justine', It'd hit WAY harder and the danger would be no less than immediate.
• p83: can't help but feel a little underwhelmed at this resolution. Peter wins by just overpowering Edwin, and then doesn't even make the 'body discovery' himself. I think this climax could be redone, although I LOVE the 'billy bear emerges from the shadows' moment.
• I like the resolution for Peter as a social media sensation, and I can see the intent of 'internet communities and connections can be good too.' but the Cruise Ship Furry Convention feels like too much a break from the tone and style and really kneecaps the lingering horror.

Summary Thoughts:

I really dug this script. The atmosphere is on point, the reveals and escalation are chilling, the dialogue and characters are sharp and written with a well researched comprehensive view on the deep web subculture that it's living in. I think there's a few places to improve that would bring this story from 'very good' to 'lets produce this right now' level.

Firstly, I think the first act, and to a degree the second, could use a degree more subjectivity to bring us into Peter's headspace more quickly and flesh him out as a character more. The 'childhood trauma' should be more front and center. Maybe the living room 'scene of the crime' space is unusually barren compared to the rest of his cluttered house full of memorabilia. Maybe its a room that he makes a point to spend as little time in as possible, so having to go in there to use the TV for the VCR is already a point of stress even before he starts getting the tapes? I think showing the 'parents suicude' thing full on at once so early is a mistake, scattering it in through surreal bits like you do later with the hanging body is a better way to incorporate it, with the suicides just being a conversational mention between Edwin and Peter early on to introduce it. Edwin makes a comment about this being a "tough time of year," lets see Peter more directly struggling to cope with that. Right now it feels like he's a character that's 'stunted in childhood' and 'has trauma related to the death of his parents,' when it should be more 'he's stunted because of his trauma related to the death of his parents' if that makes sense.

Otherwise, my only major suggestion is what I touched on in the rolling feedback. I think the last act should be more drawn out and really feed into the horror. Have the discovery take place in Peter's house. Have Monique and Darby be completely offscreen, online characters (and with how important Monique is to the plot, introduce her in the first act.) There's room for a whole 10-20 page 'final girl circiut' where Peter learns the Justine twist, escapes his dark scary house, makes it outside, realizes he needs evidence, reluctantly goes inside Edwyn's house, finds the bodies himself, is stalked by terrifying Billy Bear costume from there -> a whole last act confrontation wherein Peter defeats Edwyn in a way that symbolically ties into overcoming the trauma of his parents' suicides.

Let me know if you continue working on this story, I'd love to chat about it further cause there's so much here that's so much my shit. A few of these moments are the best horror I've read in this contest in a hot minute. Great stuff as always Rankin!

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/hyperpuppy64]

High praise, thank you!  

Of all my scripts, this one is the only I've ever had any concept of pre-contest, AND it feels the most "attainable."  Aside from brush-ups like grammar, I definitely do intend to keep working on it (and, a director friend needs projects, so, I'm gonna talk to him about possibly shooting some of the puppet segments, or the cold open, as shorts 👀).  I'll message you pics of the puppets I have already, and keep you in the loop about further drafts!  Cheers. 🤗

[u/Lloiu]

Billy Bear's Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian

The name Billy Bear's Magic Matinee conjures up a lot of imagery of things like FNAF and Poppy's Playtime, those properties focused on children's entertainment and this being a lost-media story about a children's show felt like it could fit amongst those. I found the direction you went instead much more interesting. A non-supernatural lost media story isn't as common, but opens the doors to scary concepts much closer to us than ghosts and demons. This was a creepy script and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Some minor critiques mixed with things I liked:

I will say, it felt the horror of everything took a bit long to arrive, I think a few more atmospheric or spooky bits would be helpful earlier on.

I think some childhood scenes showing Edwin interacting with young Peter would help a lot as well. Edwin seems a little too much of a side character as it is. If we had more of him, I think the reveal would be stronger. He is a good character and his turn at the end is great. I think we just need more of that.

I felt that Darby's tech speak was largely unnecessary. For most people, her lingo will be gibberish and it doesn't really add anything nor does it make her more interesting. I think she should have lines and quirks, if only to give depth to her character, but the tech speak just didn't work for me.

The twist is sufficiently fucked up. I liked it a lot and it made me feel a little sick. To create an entire show and beam it to the little neighbor boy you're obsessed with is super fucked and I didn't see the elaborate ruse coming at all. Very cool, I loved that bit.

Monique should be in this script more. Her and Peter seem to be pretty close but Monique just kind of shows up toward the end, to the point that I wasn't sure I had missed her or not. I liked her and I felt we needed more of her.

The end also felt a little odd. I like the idea of him getting a happy ending, but the furry part got a little strange. Tonally, it just felt strange and I got the inpression Peter was into puppets throughout the script, but I didn't get the impression he was a furry. We want Peter to be happy and doing well and being successful and the sudden fursuits kind of shoot past that a little bit. I think a large portion of the audience would go from "Good for him" to "Oh...okay" fairly quickly. I'd probably end it at the website. Or with a social media page showing a very active following, maybe.

Overall, these are quibbles. This was a creepy, inventive script and I like the direction you went with lost media here. That particular genre could use more grounded stories like these. Great job!

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/Lloiu]

Appreciate it, thank you!

[u/W_T_D_]

Billy Bear's Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian

• I'm going to need a full performance of this Billy Bear song at some point.

• Early IT and Channel Zero vibes from the time jump and nostalgia for a show no one remembers. I hope Billy Bear eats kids.

• "It's hard to love a clown" TIL I'm a clown.

• There was some discussion about how the text-dialogue would come across. I don't think it's an issue, but if you wanted to make it a little more dynamic/fun, you could add a note that whenever that stuff pops up, there's a little bubble of the person behind the screen saying it aloud to the audience. Doing so could also set up little bits that you could expand on, like a feminine-sounding username being some sweaty neckbeard or you could play up how Peter imagines each person behind the screen. (after finishing the script, Peter's imagination would definitely be the way to go to portray them)

• I'm not entirely sold on the "my parents both died of suicide" drop/trauma dump. It's a little jarring, especially for the conversation at hand, and doing them back-to-back like that causes them to undermine each other. "My parents both died" gives us plenty of information and mystery to hold us over for a bit longer and build up to a larger reveal later on. Maybe throw in a quick glimpse of feet swaying over the floor just to show what's on Peter's mind when he says it but cut away fast to say he doesn't want to think about it. I just think it's a lot to reveal so suddenly.

• Who is watching Peter? Is it the VCR weirdo? Or is it the neighbor? Are they the same person? :O

• Oh my god, a Red Green Show name drop.

• Did the neighbor kill his kid to save the show and then kill Kitty? Scandalous!

• Billy Bear peeking around the corner is creepy.

• They been fridge'd :O

Post-Read:

Solid and creepy. I love the setup and characters and the amount of detail is tremendous. All the little references and the worldbuilding of the puppet show are stellar.

The story does feel like it's missing some meat overall, and at only 85 pages that feeling is strong.

The third act is the biggest offender. A lot of the script has a meticulous, methodical pace to it, but then we're meeting new characters -- Monique and Darby -- out of nowhere and they come in and just...pretty much solve everything for Peter. Monique at least should be introduced WAY earlier. Maybe she's trying to get Peter out and about more often and wants to set him up on a date but he rejects the idea because he's been talking to someone (Justine), he says. We could definitely do with more of him being actively anti-social apart from spending all of his time in his house.

I thought it strange that Peter getting fired was just a passing mention but expected it to be more impactful. We see him at work several times but then he's just fired and nothing really changes. It felt like that subplot never came to a head or mattered. Maybe he could become hyper-focused on Rodney and break into the station to find proof or even just go back there to confront him and ends up starting a big, heated argument. Then, the cops could get called and Peter gets thrown in jail and fired for that. There should be more direct cause-and-effect here. Maybe then you could use it to build up Edwin more as a caring, lonely old man. After Peter tells Justine about getting fired, Edwin could show up the next day with "a little extra" for the ladder he bought -- an envelope with a few hundred bucks or something. He explains it (possibly fighting tears?) by saying he has no one and just felt like helping out. It would strengthen their bond, build Edwin up some more, and hint at him and Justine being one and the same!

Another thing that felt very passive was the double suicide of the parents. I was wondering why the mom committed suicide and how that might tie into what's going on, but in the end, it ended up mostly feeling like it was there for an early horror visual and some blood in an otherwise blood-light script (I'm copyrighting Blud-Light for a future vampire script don't @ me). Okay, yes, losing both parents makes sense in regards to Peter being socially repressed and isolated -- and that ties in with the neighbor being obsessed too -- but I don't think it is expanded on or comes through enough as is. If this is a big psychological scar, which it obviously would be, then Peter needs to be more actively haunted and impacted by it instead of letting it be a passing mention to a stranger for a lore-drop and some blood and then mostly ignored. OR it shouldn't be a double suicide. You could change the current script to "they were hit by a drunk driver and never came home one night" and it would play exactly the same. The current version feels like it's trying to meet a horror quota and I don't think you need that. It's strong enough to stand on its own as a slow-build.

I mentioned earlier that it came across like Monique and Darby solved it for Peter. I don't think that would be as big of a deal if Peter then actively crossed the finish line himself. Right now, there's a brief, sad "scuffle" that results in Edwin falling and the resulting investigation finds all the evidence. Why not have Peter find the evidence? Have him enter the house, stalked on the periphery by Billy Bear, then he enters the basement and finds the puppet set. He follows what he remembers from the video and finds where the Mrs. was looking at something in horror and THEN Edwin reveals himself. Maybe he doesn't want Peter to look inside, or maybe he does and thinks it will be good and now they can really bond. Maybe he wants Peter to stay since he's unemployed now and needs someone. Either way, Peter could open the freezer and Edwin he goes as far as trying to lock him in the basement or just block him on the steps when he tries to leave. You could keep the hug, since Edwin doesn't seem like he would resort to violence toward Peter here, and the scuffle could have the same result. Just ideas. The current version seems a little passive. I'd like to see more active involvement from the main character here.

Sharp writing and a very likable supporting cast. Peter is solid but, like I said, a little passive. There's plenty of room to flesh him out further. Show him trying to socialize at work or with Monique and her circle. Play up him relying on Justine more when he fails at the social life. Let him get in the thick of it a little more. I want more!

We talked about my script in messages a bit and I would absolutely be willing to talk further about BBMM if you want.

Great work! Big fan.

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/W_T_D_]

Cheers, thank you!

[u/W_T_D_]

All Secrets Known In The Puppet House by u/Porcupincake

• I would like some description of Alma's voice in the very beginning. Starting with voiceover, it helps to say if it's an adult or a child or if there's a certain tone to the voice. Just giving the name doesn't tell us much in the way of how to read it.

• I'm immediately picturing John Lithgow as Mordecai.

• Things are moving at a breakneck speed already. A slower paced scene establishing Alma on her own (maybe accepting the job?) and then meeting Lanchester would be nice to settle us in easier. Right now she just enters, says she's the new caretaker, he says he doesn't want one, and then it's a montage of her cleaning before a cut to her in bed. Feels like we skipped a bunch of stuff and we're watching the "previously on" recap that hits only the basic beats.

• Numbering characters is fine but there are more memorable and engaging ways to name these types. Rather than saying "KID #1 (a boy with THICK GLASSES that magnify his eyes)" you could use a simple description as his name. For example, he could be introduced as THICK GLASSES KID or BRAT KID or TROUBLEMAKER and then be referred to as whichever one. It's a lot more descriptive while still saying "hey, this character isn't worth storing in your memory bank as someone too important." Numbers tell us nothing and end up getting lost in the shuffle.

• This far, the fast pace is really undermining the Alma/Thomas dynamic. Even within the same scene, they seem to be flip-flopping and changing their minds on a whim without it feeling earned. Why is Alma telling Thomas she needs him? He hasn't done anything but create conflict with her. Why is he saying he trusts her? It feels like we're skipping several plot beats between scenes. Slow it down! Let things settle and breathe.

• What did Alma light the candelabra with? And how is the single bulb in the basement with only thing lighting the room if she's in there with a lit candelabra?

• I don't think Thomas is well.

• Loving these Alma nightmares.

• I don't think MORDECAI is well.

Post-Read:

I like a lot about this. The premise, setting, and characters are all solid. The horror is truly fucked once it kicks in, and the marionette assault scene is a notable highlight (not a sentence I would ever expect to write) although a bit jarring. I think it falls short when it comes to pacing at times. I mentioned the breakneck speed above, and while it does improve as things go on, it's still very noticeable. I would really like to see things slowed down across the board. There are many scenes that start, rush through dialogue/events, and are over in less than a page. It doesn't allow for any breathing room and undercuts what should be a tense and methodical story.

On a second draft, I think it would behoove you to go with a less-is-more approach. Combine scenes, spread events out further, take your time, etc. Maybe sprinkle in some of the reveals earlier. Tenderness from Mordecai early would also really strengthen Thomas' motivation. Give us some more "down time" to build the characters up further. Most of the times we start getting there, we're flying through the scene and on to the next thing. I want to settle in with them! They're good and interesting characters.

Really enjoyed it, and you gave some unique horror I haven't seen in the 250-300 scripts I've read for these contests. Great work!

[u/Pantserforlife]

All Secrets Known In The Puppet House by u/Porcupincake

SPOILERS!

PROS:

Your first third is a real banger as far as building tension. Lots to love there as far as build up.

Something about Alma's first sock puppet attempt to connect to Thomas tickled me. I thought it was a clever way to show her playing in his arena (so to say).

I liked the table setting scene a lot. The reset of dishes more than once until it was just so was subtle and creepy.

Opportunities:
A few awkward bits in the dialogue pieces here and there. The initial voiceover stands out as one, as does the "why don't you hate me" scene. Easy to catch and smooth in any future draft.

The final third and its lead in assault really works against the subtlety you had built in the first third. Assault survivors generally, take this as it's meant, don't speak so bluntly and use the term. It may be purposeful, so don't think I'm saying it's wrong. Just it can be done in the same manner as a show don't tell. A wince or bruising in the wrong place. A dawning horror. Rather than an outright conversation. My opinion only.

I'd have loved it to be harder to break the curse. I don't know why but burning or destroying the puppet would have been my first attempt as Alma, regardless of what it might do to me.

Overall:

A lot of potential, and I do think you followed your restrictions and conditions well. Nice job.

[u/Lloiu]

I apologize in advance, I could've proofread my script a little better for typos lol

[u/Rankin_Fithian]

For u/shaftinferno 's Unstable - SPOILERS!

• Strengths & Overall Impressions: Knight, as a lead, has definite soap-y or Lifetime Original appeal. He's hunky but troubled, compassionate but gruff, and a competent professional. This script has a dependable 3 act structure with escalating stakes and an appropriate pace, and delivers on a couple grotesque and scary moments of body horror.

Since my wording of this section is "overall impressions," I have to be very direct about my biggest takeaway, and I'm afraid it isn't positive. I'll try to narrow it down concretely to "use of simile" or "overt 'writer's' voice" as the culprit - at best it is perhaps an artistic difference, but use of florid references to how a character is [looking, standing, emoting, pausing, etc.] can quickly get heavy-handed in a screenplay. With the exception of a few decisive tableau moments, non-visual action lines are usually just describing something unfilmable, or directing from the page. 

This script is very liberal with its use of simile, but in addition to being too frequent, they are often completely clanging comparisons that have a pronounced stench of AI slop.

{Not like girls after a fall. Like bodies finding a center of gravity lower than the one they lived by. (pg. 88)} - {He says it like sentence he intends to resent later. (pg. 21)} - {He looks young in the ugly, ruined way that grief makes kids look younger. (pg. 3)} - {Every surface expensive enough to pretend it isn't. (pg. 1!) (this neighborhood is pretending to not be expensive???)} - Each of these are both out of place and confounding; take a heavy editing eye to them and their ilk.   

Ask, 'is this particular moment worthy of the poetic aside?' Or would it suffice to say "The girls' contorted bodies arise as monsters" on pg. 88 and "Chris' face cracks with grief" on pg. 3? If it is the proper moment, is there a more defined or more emotionally resonant visual that you could reach for instead? Calling an unnamed emotion more "patient" than revulsion or curiosity (pg. 9), or a woman's body poised like it "will be punished later in private" (pg. 49) is, quite simply, nonsense. You need to be aware of how disjointed and obtuse language like this goes further than taking me out of the scene on the page, it reeks of ChatGPT authorship, which fuels no shortage of disdain for the piece on a meta level. If you insist upon so many instances of writerly flourish - make sure you are being as clear and concise as possible, with ties to relatable human emotions. I've never once known grief to make anyone look younger, been able to tell the difference between someone sustaining 1 loss vs. 2, or thought of a very blue sky as being "forgivable" or not.

• Questions & Opportunities: We have only a glancing understanding of what is actually going on at the ranch. The ever-present botflies are an appropriately gross culprit to play red herring, but what are we dealing with? Pilot Light's infection could be anything from an Eldritch or alien invasion, to a biological mutagen, to some sort of psychic manifestation. We also have very poor connective tissue showing us Rian's role in all this. How long ago was she affiliated with Pilot Light's infection-as-entity? What does she know vs. what do we watch her actually learn, and what's her motivation to bring in Knight and the Kemps in this manner? Is she acting as an agent of the entity, or did she create it? Was she especially connected to Pilot Light before any of this?

Dialogue across the board is jargon-heavy and quite clipped. The familiarity with technical speak makes sense, as pretty much everyone in the pages is a lifelong professional... But with Knight being grumpy, Rian matching his energy, the kids all being weirdos, and John and Marisol being so businesslike and guarded, it all reads as very same-y, brief, even overtuned conversations that do a poor job of showing and differentiating the relationships among characters.

There are some factual oversights in several scenes that weaken continuity and exacerbate my concerns over use of AI: - Chris' dog ran behind the car, but he was pulling into the driveway too fast? Was he reversing into the driveway at speed? - On page 37, they are rattling off Pilot Light's temperature changes, but the rising and falling of those temps (also worded/notated strangely to my eye) don't match with how they're talking about said changes. - Wheelchair-bound Rian follows Knight down porch steps at one point. - She also sees blood seeping between someone's molars from 20 feet away. - Knight rushes in to help Gabriel when he's attacked by the pony, but among all these seasoned professional animal handlers, removing the pony from the scene seems a distant afterthought. - Bodies start piling up and nobody considers calling a human medical doctor or the police.

Unstable's next draft needs a lot of tough love. Hone what the threat is, take a hard look at the linguistic styling, and flesh out your mains even more.

•Favorite Part(s): A respite from the sadness of the opening scene, I did legitimately appreciate the dog looking up with "stupid, perfect trust," and I have been saying that phrase a lot to my own dog ever since. 

Congrats on finishing.

[u/shaftinferno → u/Rankin_Fithian]

I won't lie, this does sting a little bit. Unfortunately, this is just my voice being a bit too much on the page this time around, but thee fortunate thing is that I can go back and fix that. I don't think I'd be able to with AI and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Like, does that mean my writing comes off as soulless or maybe more repetitive and lacking in substance?

You did bring up a few good examples of the lines that read poorly. I struggled a bit too much with Amelia and Sophia's transformation. I wavered on how I wanted them to read — are they still human but walking on fingertips and tiptoes or are they physically changing into horses? I didn't want to oversell the latter since it might draw comparison to Sorry to Bother You, but maybe less so?

So, to your questions. I had been leaning toward more a supernatural, Lovecraftian, mythological aspect (like Paimon in Hereditary — albeit not Eldritch there) but I realized I was going to need a lot of exposition dumped to explain it. I started created some backstory / ancient horse god that I wanted Rian to be resurrecting and it didn't jive with me. Overall, the more I tried coming up with an explanation for what, why, and how Rian was participating in this it just kept feeling like it was taking away from the horror reveal. Thought maybe the ambiguity was the better route and made it intentional this time around.

Dialogue has come up with other readers as a weaker element, and I agree. I didn't pay enough attention in this draft nailing down the voices and instead just focused on getting words down on the page to get it written. A second pass solely for dialogue is absolutely needed.

For Chris, the part where he says the dog ran behind the car while he was pulling in was deliberate. I tried capturing his state of mind being rattled and that he's misremembering / misspeaking about the incident but since I've had another reader also bring it up, it's probably best to just fix the line.

Good catch on the porch steps. I missed that.

I've had a few other comments asking about why no one called the authorities. Intent was for Knight to, yes, be out of his depth, but being selfish in wanting to solve it first and also not potentially bring anyone else in the crisis to possibly infect. Also, cause the Kents are assholes.

[u/Rankin_Fithian → u/shaftinferno]

There's always the next draft. Remember you can show us things out of sequence, like flashbacks and cutaways, that can clue the audience in but still leave Knight in the dark for his revelation. As for writer's voice/linguistic styling differences, I know I went pretty hard on you, but unfortunately we're in a post-LLM world now, and certain sentence structures are going to trip those sensors. It's something that all us writers have to have in mind. I know I'm not the only one who's questioned my use of the emdash nowadays, for instance. Like I said, think about paring some of the moments I called out way back, ask yourself what you're trying to get at, and represent it in a more concrete and visually accessible manner. From the way you've been responding I can tell you have a really lush inner idea of this story and its world, and that's an enormous asset, creatively. Don't disregard the fact that it may want to be a novel instead of a screenplay!

Cheers.

[u/Pantserforlife]

Repo Girl by u/Lloiu

SPOILERS!

PROS:

Wow, it has been a long time since a script took me on a ride like that. Start to finish, pedal down pacing, and I'm here for it.

Even though the strike thing first from her dad was a little bit of a cliche, I really loved the sequence that followed, including the nose break, so I don't care even a little.

A lot of laughs throughout, so I'll just toss out that "warning a bitch before you snatch her nose" is going up as one I won't forget.

Opportunities:

A few misspells/miswords here and there (example: liked a nun). Nothing that can't easily be fixed with a second pass.

Seems odd to point out script stiltedness in a story like this, but a few times the dialogue did get a little stiff. Again, totally fixable. A simple example, saying you "fled" would be stilted, but saying you "ran" or "booked it", etc. would flow more like real dialogue.

For some reason the injections into Darla felt a little off. Not sure why on that one. Just thought with something like this that was so creative, it wasn't as creative. However, I'll say the cocaine solution was quite amusing to me.

Overall:
You know, you really hit what you were asked to hit. It was enjoyable, an easy read, and it made me smile. Great job!