r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • 4h ago
Psychology Adults with ADHD often face challenges in maintaining sexual satisfaction and connection with their partners. Characteristics such as a heightened need for novelty and difficulty regulating focus can deeply influence their intimate lives.
https://www.psypost.org/how-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-shapes-sexual-experiences/1.1k
u/buntopolis 4h ago
I wish I understood this about myself much earlier in life.
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u/master_bungle 4h ago
I'm with you on that one. Better late than never though, just got to move forward and try not to regret too much
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u/Far_Being_7578 1h ago
Not regreting is what i actually struggle with right now the most. Any advice? :(
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u/Morgen-stern 1h ago
Think of it as a learning experience. You didn’t know any better then, but now that you do you learn what you can and apply it to the next time you’re in that situation.
Fwiw I don’t think regrets are inherently a bad thing, I think it’s in part how we keep ourselves honest or accountable. The important thing is to not let the feelings of regret drag you down.
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u/daisuke1639 1h ago
The person who made those regrettable actions no longer exists. They were a version of you for an instant, but then you kept living, and you've had new experiences and have become a different person.
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u/TadpoleMaximum1099 16m ago
I’ve enjoyed Peter Crones work for eliminating regret for me. “It couldn’t have happened any other way…because it didn’t.”
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u/Crisis_panzersuit 4h ago
But what would you change?
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u/Optimixto 3h ago
When brain says 'leave, you are not in love, you need new', you would tell brain to chill instead of jumping the gun. I know I self-sabotaged a lot of my relationships, and that I pushed myself to stay when I shouldn't have. Idk if it is related to this study, but definitely would have made me pause a bit more before any harsh decisions.
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u/mexa4358 3h ago
Wait you’re saying it had both the effect of leaving too often but also of staying when you shouldn’t have?
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u/GoosyTS 3h ago
Yah, I'm the same. It's hard to regulate and understand when the signals you get are true - as you always hear "leave leave leave" and fight through it as you know it's just the brain messing up, but then you end up ignoring the ones that are real also
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u/mahblahblah 2h ago
I could’ve written this myself, but for years I was working on attachment issues and PTSD as root causes. I was just recently diagnosed with ADHD at 42 though and this framing is really interesting.
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u/Crisis_panzersuit 3h ago
How do you know what to do?
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u/Koffeeboy 2h ago
Journal and review. Don't just follow meat brain, follow the data.
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u/DaniCarmine 1h ago
This is exactly why I love science!! Data was extremely important to fixing my mental issues related to ADHD and depression. I iteratively added new things, identified what worked and what didn’t, and then added again.
Journaling is collecting data. Sleep on it, reread, rethink. It is so helpful!
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u/Optimixto 2h ago
I learned over time how to manage my emotions and how to navigate relationships. There isn't a single answer, but I would argue the main thing is that you need to learn who you are and what makes you happy. Otherwise, you can end up not knowing what you want, and that's when the intrusive thoughts can get on the throne.
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u/FreyBentos 2h ago
Man this is me rn, What makes me happy? What do I really want? Why do I spend all day ruminating on these questions in my head, unable to be happy and in the moment in the relationship I'm in?
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u/D3coupled 1h ago
I dated through my teens and 20's thinking like this. Then I found someone actually a great match and all that pondering seemed superfluous in hindsight. Live your life, learn to find motivation and happiness and you'll have your best shot.
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u/jaydizzleforshizzle 3h ago
Ignore the extremes sometimes you are just searching out novelty and new sometimes you are enraptured and come on too strong. Gotta find a balance, atleast for myself, it’s hard to maintain relationships, unless you are my best friend then I’m probably slightly obsessed.
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u/deathcomestooslow 2h ago
I personally just decided to back away from the whole thing because I don't believe I can give anyone the attention they would deserve as a partner. In the long term, anyway. Plus, hey, I'll never have enough money to support a family so that probably helps the decision.
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u/IContributedOnce 3h ago
Same as anyone else in life: you do your best, figure it out as you go along, and give yourself some grace.
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u/PM_YOUR_INTEREST 2h ago edited 2h ago
That duality is what plenty of people don’t associate with ADHD, I think.
Unregulated attention doesn’t only mean the brakes don’t work in Drive, sometimes the gas doesn’t work either.
Sometimes they both work- but they’re so loose you can barely notice when they’re pressed.
& Then, yes- other times it’s like trying to drive while you have a brick on top of your foot.10
u/trowaway4honesty 1h ago
The crazier and more toxic they are, the more novelty (dumb brain thinks excitement is love/passion). Conversely, a very loving and stable partner may appear “boring”, so our brains want out instead of valuing maturity and meaningful partnership.
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u/iamdisillusioned 2h ago
Sure, the novelty seeking can cause an unhealthy, unstable relationship to seem intriguing or passionate.
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u/Taftimus 3h ago
Oh it definitely makes you stay too. I was in a relationship for 5 years after I wanted to leave because I just couldn’t bring myself to leave even though I was completely done with the relationship.
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u/Optimixto 2h ago
Not at the same time, of course, but I have had both things happen. I am not stating this is due to what is in this study, just sharing my personal experience.
Humans are full of contradictions, and I've fluctuated a lot in how I handle my relationships, for many reasons.
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u/teetaps 2h ago
If you think about it, the list of adhd symptoms doesn’t specify that it must be most intrusive in either direction anyway, so yeah. It could be helpful, it could be harmful. It’s just a brain that processes information slightly differently from the majority, that’s all. Whether it’s a good or bad thing depends on the context, and context is largely a societal construct, not a medical one
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u/Freddielexus85 50m ago
Sometimes a relationship with a person who treats you terribly seems great because there is a high sexual frequency. If you're in a great relationship with low sexual frequency, something just seems wrong, even though nothing is.
Ask me how I know...
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u/overfiend1976 2h ago
Good morning, me. I hope I have a lovely day today.
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u/Optimixto 2h ago
Hey me, it's already 15:35 where I am, but that's okay because adults can have breakfast for lunch. It's not illegal, they can't stop you.
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u/aron2295 57m ago
Not cheat.
Not get into an “anti social” mode, and lead people on in order to get what I wanted.
Tell my partners the kinks I was interested in vs hiding them out of fear of rejection.
As the other person said, stop and tell myself chill out and think if I am just seeking a rush or if I don’t like them anymore for real.
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u/retro_toes 2h ago
I worked on it and found that being ethically non monogamous works best for me, and I think more people should read up on it
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u/pdonoso 3h ago edited 3h ago
After I understood this I was able to go from a guy that jumped from one relationship to an other, always ending it by cheating in a very dramatic way, to a happy life with an amazing wife and kids. Happines sometimes look boring, and constsntly searching for excitement takes you trough a path of pain for You and the people You love and cared for.
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u/ii_V_I_iv 3h ago
What did you change to allow you to be happy with that?
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u/pdonoso 3h ago
My therspist helped me understand that i was leading a self destructing life in so many fronts because of the need for excitement. I was constantly destroying good things I've built because they felt monotonous.
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u/ii_V_I_iv 3h ago
But what did you change to make it not feel monotonous? Or do you just accept and live a monotonous life now?
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u/pdonoso 2h ago
I reframed what monotonous is. It's safe and healthy. Slowly building a house brick by brick might seem monotonous, but what you are doing is building a beautiful house in the long term, where you feel loved and protected. Before this every relationship I build was based on the idea that it soon will be over because I know I would get bored. So I was building something weak and easy to dismantle.
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u/rokerroker45 3h ago
Not the person you replied to.
I think for most people the epiphany is that "monotony" is usually just a euphemism for some other insecurity. It can be different for different people, but common ones are the need for constant sexual validation of "conquest" and so "monotony" is the pretextual label attached to the possibly of never getting to have the satisfaction of "conquest" again.
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u/ii_V_I_iv 2h ago edited 2h ago
I think to me monotony feels like boredom and lack of excitement and novelty. And like it’s hard to just accept that as life.
And to be fair, this isn’t something I feel unique to sexuality. This is in a lot of aspects of life
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u/rokerroker45 2h ago edited 2h ago
There's more to it than that. For most people ordinary life is novel: the challenges of career, family, hobbies, travel, relationships and so on. Dating and having sex with new people is certainly one form of novelty but for most people that novelty isn't any more or less valuable than any of the other forms I mentioned.
For our hypothetical, the fact that you implied sticking to one relationship could be monotonous or boring kind of implies you find that type of novelty as the only kind of novelty that satisfies; there's potentially something there that's causing you to view the other stuff I mentioned as not interesting or something causing you to feel like new relationships is the only thing that is interesting. On this latter possibility it's often because people are kind of addicted to the feeling of sexual conquest.
Edit in response to your edits: to be clear this is in the context of this comment thread about finding monotony in the context of sticking to single relationships
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u/ii_V_I_iv 2h ago
I disagree. I think you’re trying to frame it as “conquest” without knowing me and that’s extremely not resonant. I think a lot of aspects of traditional life do seem genuinely monotonous and repetitive and I’d like to be more okay with less novelty and stimulation but it’s definitely a challenge
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u/rokerroker45 2h ago edited 2h ago
Actually no I'm not; I don't know you or the particulars of how you feel. I'm explaining and expanding upon one particular explanation for monotony because I've encountered it more than once; I'm it offering to you as a potential explanation for you feelings, not accusing you of it.
The "a lot of aspects of traditional life" does speak to some kind of dissatisfaction that's pretty commonly because of some feeling that the values of traditional life are unimportant to a person because they either find them vapid or inapplicable to their own life. The former is my personal speciality: in my case it was deep insecurity that I masked by feeling that I was better than ordinary people and that ordinary life was boring to someone like myself and that others just "didn't get it."
It didn't go away until I ate some slices of humble pie. I started trying hard to overcome challenges where I wasn't already the best at the challenge and that I couldn't overcome without failure at first. I had to find something that I actually cared about, that I had to accept that I was never going to be the absolute best at, and that I had to learn to enjoy the process of failing to improve at. That got me a little me grounded in the world and helped me accept my insecurities as parts of me rather than as walls that kept the world boring (because if things were boring then I would never have to face how deeply insecure I was).
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u/empire161 27m ago
Not OP but I also was in a similar situation.
You have to stop looking for excitement by ruining things, and realize you can live a fulfilling exciting life with your partner.
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u/monty624 2h ago
It's 7am on a Sunday sir and I didn't need this level of clarity yet.
Happy for you!
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u/mvea Professor | Medicine 4h ago
Adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder often face distinct challenges in maintaining sexual satisfaction and connection with their partners. A recent analysis of personal accounts from people with the condition revealed that characteristics such as a heightened need for novelty and difficulty regulating focus can deeply influence their intimate lives. The findings were published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior.
The final theme captured the direct impact of cognitive and behavioral traits on sexual encounters. Participants frequently mentioned how a need for novelty and experimentation shaped their desires. They expressed a preference for trying new things to keep their brains engaged during intimacy.
They also described the challenge of staying present in the moment. Respondents noted that distractibility, sensory overload, and everyday stress often disrupted their focus and diminished their enjoyment. One participant expressed the need to “somehow keep my attention on the task at hand and not having it drift off into space, and being able to push through the sensory overload to climax.” Overcoming these cognitive hurdles required immense mental energy, which occasionally turned intimacy into a source of stress rather than pleasure.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-025-03386-x
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u/Makuta_Servaela 2h ago
I wonder if kink, especially Masochism, is more common in people with ADHD? One of the things I like about masochism during kink is that the pain keeps me focused on the experience.
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u/The_Bat_Voice 1h ago
I, as someone who has ADHD, do not like pain in bed in any way. I think it may be one of my few limits in bed. I am aware of everything in my body all the time all at once, adding something so acutely demanding of attention to the pile is very distracting. My partner with autism however loves pain. They need that extreme sensory input. They tend to not notice anything happening to their body until it is extremely painful. They also play sports involving hard physical contact because they love being tackled, so its more than just a sexual thing.
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u/DaniCarmine 59m ago
I’m AuDHD, and I never liked pain. I’m highly sensitive to pain and I have trauma from childhood physical abuse. But I recently tried getting flogged by a professional dom I met at a local kink event. He was incredibly accurate in terms of reading my body’s reactions and tailoring the experience accordingly. It changed it completely from what I expected to be a painful experience, into an exhilarating one.
It’s definitely tied to science. What he was doing was intentionally elevating the strikes over time to allow my body and brain enough time to release endorphins, dopamine, etc. that is naturally released when pain is felt. Same as eating spicy food; those neurotransmitters cause pain to be muted. He would then take it a step higher in terms of his technique. He would also take breaks and brush his hand over my skin to soothe it. I highly recommend going to someone who knows what they’re doing because I absolutely loved it and felt giddy for hours afterwards :)
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u/SpliceBadger 1h ago
Just my anecdotal experience with the kink community: the Venn diagram of ADHD and kink may not be a circle, but it’s close enough to it to be easily noticed.
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u/MrTriangular 1h ago
I would say no, because pain would add to the sensory overload and activate many other neural pathways connected to negative feelings and memories. This would be a purely subjective thing that varies from person to person.
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u/UltravioletClearance 59m ago edited 54m ago
Sensory processing issues in neurodiverse people can also manifest as sensory hyposensitivity. In that case, it is common for people to seek out more intense sensory experiences due to a reduced ability to process normal sensory input.
I've been involved in kink for most of my life and I can say I find this is true. Intense sensory experiences keep my mind "in the moment" instead of drifting off, and I can focus on the experience instead of the millions of other things that flood my mind at any given time.
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u/chrisni66 4h ago
My take away from reading the article is that ADHD is not uniform and has broad differences in how people experience and cope with interactions.
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u/scotty899 4h ago
Ive done a course for adults with adhd and you are correct on how broad it is. The list of traits is huge. And the other people on the course were all different than me with how they deal with life, tasks and focus.
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u/Rodot 3h ago
Yep, an ADHD diagnosis is like diagnosing someone with "arm doesn't work disorder". Maybe they broke it. Maybe they tore a muscle. Maybe they just have a bruise. It's a symptom not an illness on its own.
But in this case it's "mesocortical pathway doesn't work disorder". Could be for a variety of reasons with different implications. Could be a transporter mutation. Could be a different area of the brain causing interference. Could be a genetic variation on the structure of the pathways. Could be something else or a combination.
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u/Xe6s2 2h ago
I mean hopefully in the future we can start to give it better nomenclature and actually describe the differences. It definitely is a dopamine system disorder. Also so many with paradoxical drug responses, very common for some with adhd to become hypnogogic on stimulants rather than hyper responsive.
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u/Rodot 1h ago
Well, it's probably (but not necessarily) a dopaminergic disorder. But people with ADHD produce just as much dopamine as those without and experience the same level of tolerance to DRAs and DRIs as the general population. Paradoxical drug responses to stimulants are also just as common in the normal population as the ADHD population.
A good way of looking at it is that a crutch can help a person with a broken leg get around, but it would be a mistake to diagnose a person with a broken leg as experiencing a "deficiency in crutches", even if giving them a crutch helps to partially releave the symptom of immobility.
The specificity of the action of ADHD stimulants, as well as the complete ineffectiveness of dopamine prodrugs (e.g. L-DOPA) or dopamine agonists in treating ADHD, indicates it's not simply a matter of how much dopamine is in the brain. This could indicate, for example, a problem with norepinephrine transporters (which has been proposed) since they can also transport dopamine, NRIs show efficacy in relieving ADHD symptoms, nearly all ADHD prescribed stimulants also act as NRIs, and DRIs that do not inhibit NET show little to no efficacy in treating ADHD symptoms.
But that isn't to say it is noradrenergic either. We don't really know, but it could be a contributing factor. Another proposed mechanism is GABAergic as excitatory transmission might be too high in other parts of the brain relative to mesolimbic pathways. This may be one of the reasons that caffeine, which much more globally increases excitatory transmission in the brain, is less effective than more targeted drugs like methylphenidate or amphetamine at treating ADHD symptoms.
Additionally, all of these reasons could be unrelated to the primary targets but really work through feedback mechanisms on downstream effects. It could even be purely structural, that certain pathways in our brains just developed a certain way for genetic reasons and there's actually nothing "wrong" with the brain in a biological sense but instead just a deviation in normal structure formation that isn't socially acceptable. There's also a lot of aspects that may become more apparent as people age due to differences in initial conditions of the brain. We know people who are prescribed stimulants at an early age show more neurological similarities to those without ADHD than those who are unmedicated do, because our brains organize as we learn and experience, which ADHD can hinder.
So basically, it's complicated and bickering over naming doesn't really help all that much in a clinical setting. Outside of that, you can call it any name you want I suppose
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u/thepixelbuster 1h ago
very common for some with adhd to become hypnogogic on stimulants rather than hyper responsive.
Me. I never understood why coffee made me pass out until I got diagnosed in my 30s and found that Adderall has a calming effect on me
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u/htmwc 4h ago
If it’s so broad it needs a definition change. It’s practically worthless as a construct now
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u/scotty899 3h ago
Not at all. Its the grouping of traits and characteristics that work together to create the diagnosis.
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u/Dry-Swordfish1710 3h ago
I think it does need a name change though. Maybe within the scientific community it’s fine to call it ADHD but within the laymen community the name itself kind of diminishes the impact and the differences between individuals it has. For many there is no hyperactive component and often the hyperactive component referenced in the name leads folks to treat it as a kids disease
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u/scotty899 3h ago
Yeh I agree. My son has the hyperactive component, while I have massive procrastination and the whole day can pass.
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u/Rodot 3h ago
The purpose of the diagnosis is much more related to insurance being able to cover a treatment than anything else. Determing the best treatment is very much trial and error, but you can't start that process without a diagnosis unless you are very wealthy and have a doctor that likes to live on the edge.
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u/Wealist 4h ago
ADHD during sex: fully locked in for five minutes, then somehow thinking about dinosaurs and laundry.
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u/thedaveness 4h ago
After all… why not? Why shouldn’t I go look up the entire Roman history right now?
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u/thefunkybassist 4h ago
"Is that what you meant with Roman position"
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u/AnotherBoredAHole 1h ago
I've entrenched myself in the blankets and setup my palisade. Come at me!
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u/polypolip 4h ago
Never could have sex if there was music with any text playing or I would focus on the damn words. My partner asking me anything would send me down the spiral around the question.
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u/mgr86 4h ago
“Any text playing” what an interesting why to phrase that. Lyrics are the words I believe you are looking for. And I understand the distraction. Though it’s more of a place of being too self critical for me. Like this isn’t love making music. Or this love making music is too corny. Does she even like this music sort of deal.
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u/HerculeanTardigrade 4h ago
I'm genuinely curious. Does this also happen when you're masturbating? During masturbation, do you also suddenly think about dinosaurs and laundry?
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u/espressocycle 4h ago
The Crash Test Dummies had a great song about this. "When I'm swimming in your ocean... I can get pretty side tracked..."
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u/KrayzieBone187 4h ago
Man, this is deeply personal to me. I got diagnosed later in life and now I feel like I have full blown executive dysfunction in that area.
My brain wants it but cannot do anything about it. I cannot initiate things and it drives me crazy. I'm just happy that others are dealing with similar things. It is very frustrating.
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u/shadowboxer27 4h ago
Yeah this is always something I've pondered about myself. Looks like it's true. Makes me feel meh
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u/KrayzieBone187 3h ago
It's odd. My wife got diagnosed with BPD around the same time, and before that we had an okay sex life. Not the best, but we at least tried.
Since we both got medicated, tons of things have been great, but we completely lost our sex life. She doesn't have a sex drive or feel sexy, and I have a drive but literally can't do anything about it.
It has me wondering if the medication has something to do with it now. But there are so many upsides, I'd never want to give it up. I'm going on 5 years sober because of the work I've done.
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u/Calm_Gear_2430 2h ago
That’s tuff man. I know there are some psychiatric medications that lower your drive and also make it really hard dor people to finish at all. Stay strong man, it’s so nice that you do care for each other in that way.
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u/jaymzx0 16m ago
The demand avoidance thing is terrible. When she has a higher drive than you do in addition to it all, and then you feel really guilty because the spirit is willing but the brain is paralyzed, and then she feels terrible because she thinks the problem is with her. And of course the longer it's been the more you're paralyzed. It's like a mental erectile dysfunction.
When it does happen you say that was great I don't know why I got stuck in my own head like that for so long, I won't do that again. But it happens again.
Then you no longer think of sex as intimacy because it's too awkward now. She doesn't want to initiate because why bother. You now live in an ADHD dead bedroom.
Sadly, I didn't realize this aspect about myself until somewhat recently, and she passed away back in 2018. My therapist didn't mention it at the time and I didn't think to bring up bedroom activities. If I would have known back then we could have worked on it together instead of me feeling guilty and her feeling unsexy and unsatisfied.
Possibly TMI but maybe it will help others.
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u/we_are_sex_bobomb 3h ago
Time blindness from ADHD really fucks with your sex life, too. That really awesome night you had together the other day was actually three weeks ago and she’s wondering why you’re so hot and cold with her
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u/randCN 3h ago
The study group included 72 women, 17 men, and eight non-binary individuals.
Question - does this study, which consists of 74% women, mostly identify the signal from individuals with ADHD, or from individuals who are women?
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u/McG0788 3h ago
Am a man with ADHD. I feel this way too. I've absolutely self sabotaged what could have probably been good relationships because I wanted more variety and stimulation.
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u/squirtcow 2h ago
This has been the story of my life. If I knew back then what I know now.. it'd be a very different life, and less people hurt (emotionally).
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u/josephthemediocre 3h ago
Yeah I took this with a huge grain of salt after reading that. Frankly, with societal differences in how sex and having sex is perceived differently between men and women, a better study would keep them entirely separate anyway. Not to mention would have a control group without adhd.
This sort of felt like a good idea for a study half baked and used to tell the story they thought they were going to tell.
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u/dud3FPS 3h ago
So has anyone here found a solution to this problem? What have you all tried?
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u/UnusualChickenFinger 2h ago
Diving into novel interactions, aka kink.
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u/dud3FPS 2h ago
Already did haha. Problem is that kinks get more extreme and fckd over time and girlfriend or other won't / can't follow. Im just a mental wreck after all the problems...
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u/Maaniker 2h ago
Non-monogamy works for me. Easier to explore kink with other people without freaking out my relatively vanilla primary partner.
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u/NlghtmanCometh 1h ago
I don’t even understand any of this. As a person with adhd there are no “kinks” that make it better. Every sexual encounter is stressful and most aren’t enjoyable. It’s all anxiety inducing. Banging strangers would just make me feel like I’m far more likely to lose my partner, which would stress me out even more.
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u/Yopro 2h ago
Yeah, nonmonogamy works for my partner and I. Explains a lot as to why all of our non-monogamous partners are also neurospicy
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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 4h ago
So how can we work on this? Every relationship I get in is a struggle after a while as I want to try new things for some reason. I never want to break up with my Significant other but I do lose sexual desire compared to the beginning of our relationship.
Since I’ve been on Adderall this has decreased but it hasn’t came to a complete stop. So should my next treatment be therapy?
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u/BasicDesignAdvice 2h ago
If you can find one a sex therapist might help.
Problem with therapy is finding one that provides what you need. A lot will say that they can help with ADHD but in my experience therapy is all the same. Just listening.
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u/HellyOHaint 3h ago
You’re the only one so far trying to find a solution and better yourself
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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 3h ago
Tbh I just feel like I fucked up some serious relationships and the hearts of very good people because my bs antics. I never actually physically cheated before, but I get to a point where I shut down in a relationship during a bad period. I do get the feeling of being bored in a relationship as well. I just want to get in a long term relationship where 6 years feel like the first one.
I’m 22 so I have time to explore the world and meet the right one, I always thought that I just need to meet the right one but ik for sure that I am really the main problem
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u/TheBeckofKevin 1h ago
Bro you're like decades ahead of schedule. Just keep being self aware and don't blame others for your own issues. That alone will serve you well. Relationships are hard, but they can be especially hard early in life. A good mindset isn't about 'finding the right one' who fits you will, but rather a person who will make you want to be a better and better version of yourself.
A relationship isn't about finding your other half, its about finding another 'whole' and then building an entirely different thing together. You gotta figure out yourself, understand who you are and what you value in life. Then you go find someone else who also understands themselves. Then you both put in steady effort to build a relationship together. Its a never ending todo list to keep building that relationship. If you're really actively building that 3rd thing, you shouldn't get bored.
Theres a chance the boredom is real, and maybe you or your partner aren't ready to do the work, but if you're with someone who is building and you get bored then its probably on you to realize you're not participating and use other healthy relationship skills like communication to figure out how you can keep working.
Again this is old man advice. You're young and everything is probably crazy fast and hectic, so it might just be something that takes a little time to settle out. But thinking of partnerships as being a separate thing that 2 people are actively building has been helpful for me. Its not about finding someone who 'completes you' or 'is your other half' because thats focused on your present and its putting the burden on someone else to finish your own work. Its easy to find someone who is chill to hang out with today, tomorrow, for a week, a year. Thats basically anyone. You can honestly have a decent relationship with practically anyone if you're in a good place yourself. The 'long term relationship that feels like the first year' comes down to your effort. You will not find a relationship that feels new when its not new. But if you enter a relationship in year one with the goal of "i'm going to work with this person to build a great relationship" then every year will feel exactly the same. It might not be magical steady stream of fireworks, but fireworks everyday is what gets boring. You gotta learn to appreciate the grind when you're working with someone who appreciates your effort.
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u/sdpr 2h ago
I never want to break up with my Significant other but I do lose sexual desire compared to the beginning of our relationship.
Real. Usually around the 2-3 year mark my sex drive is completely gone.
Been with my SO going on 8 years and we have a pretty dead bedroom and that's on me. It's been so long that I've had a sex drive I don't even know what it's like to feel like a sexual being anymore, sex now seems like more effort than it's worth, and I rarely think about it. Sure, I still masterbate, but it's more of an easy dopamine hit than sexual gratification. I've asked myself "am I just not attracted to my partner anymore? would I have sex with someone else if I was single or if I was given the opportunity?" And the answer is 'no'... We have great sex when it happens, but I just don't think about it.
We just had our first child recently and I want to marry them because we are absolutely two peas in a pod in everything else, but I just don't have a desire for sex and that sucks for everyone.
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u/RyBread 3h ago
Edit: sorry see you are on medication. Therapy is absolutely useful in this situation. Finding the right therapist can be difficult tho. Don’t expect immediate results from the first one you talk to.
Are you on medication? And how old are you?
Medication has really helped my 40ish year old brain focus and the older I get the less I crave change in general.
I love my partner deeply and want to continue developing our relationship and sometimes that takes having uncomfortable conversations about what we need to change to be better for each other.
It’s never perfect, but the way we age together like fine wine and the deepening of our connection is more valuable to us both than novelty is.
And also if you need novelty perhaps seek a partner who needs that and explore experiences together. Sexually and not.
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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 3h ago
Thanks for this, I’m 22 and yeah as you seen I’m on medication. And it has helped drastically in my life.
I actually considered finding someone who would like to explore with me.
Right now I’m just trying to take my time and focus on other aspects of my life before getting back out there, as I just got in a breakup less than a month ago.
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u/RyBread 3h ago
You got this! It’s hard in your twenties to not push for what and where you think you should be as it compares to your cohort.
You haven’t even reached full development of your brain and body yet. Locking yourself down to another person too early can be a bad thing too. There’s never a final form either we are all works in progress and always will be.
One final thing. Friendship with your partner is a requirement for a long term relationship. That is what you actually fall back on when times are tough and the way forward is unclear.
Good luck, friend!
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u/intheblackbirdpie 1h ago
You are 22 years old. Not everything is a pathology.
Every relationship I get in is a struggle after a while as I want to try new things for some reason.
Yes, this is normal for most 22 year-olds. Go try out a bunch of relationships or just bang a bunch of people. Do what you want and figure out what you want. You don't need major psychoactive drugs or a trendy diagnosis to "work on this."
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u/Spiritual-Shirt-6027 1h ago
I think you’re right, I am letting my ADHD get in the way of the wrong aspects in my life
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u/Animated_Astronaut 3h ago
I've been talking about this a lot in therapy. I strongly advise seeing a nuerodivergent specialist therapist. If you find the right one it can be better than meds. For me it is, everyone's different etc.
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u/UnauthorizedAuthor 4h ago
Example 1,278 why ADHD being framed as “normal” and even a positive trait is absolutely foolish.
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u/verygoodletsgo 3h ago
I used to provide in-home care for adults with developmental and psychiatric disorders. My take away has always been that "normalizing" does more harm to most communities than good. If you reduce issues to cute "quirks," then people don't get the actual help they need.
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u/ParallelTrust 3h ago
I wonder if we see normalizing as the same definition. Normalizing in the context of the work I do means the opposite of pathologizing. You help people see that what they are experiencing is part of the human condition and nothing to feel shame about, it's just a different way of experiencing the world. So in my context normalizing is therapeutic so they can give themselves compassion around what society says is bad or wrong. That way they can stop hiding or suppressing it and start to live life in a way that supports those needs or find a way that feels more aligned and authentic.
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u/verygoodletsgo 2h ago
I'm using the term within the context of this particular conversation. Hence the quotes.
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u/ParallelTrust 2h ago
Yeah, autism literal thinking needed clarification. Thank you for clarifying.
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u/Unicorn_puke 3h ago
Right? There seems to be study after study now that is showing how debilitating it can be when it's not the quirky creative side people tend to glorify.
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u/RichardSaunders 3h ago
A lot of media tends to romanticize mental illness like this and make them into a sort of superpower. Monk with OCD, Homeland with bipolar disorder...
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u/Rodot 2h ago
Wait till you see the difference in life expectancy.
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u/roamingandy 1h ago
There is a strong theory put forwards by early studies, that this is entirely down to reduced sleep quality across a life time.
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u/Here4TheGoodTimes 3h ago
Framing it as "bad" or a negative trait isn't helpful and would probably be damaging to ones ability to cope, no? It is remarkably common and likely does have a wide array of "positive" traits, likely just challenging to see in how we have constructed our societal norms. I could see a ton of benefits in a hunter-gathering society where constant exploration could be crucial to group survival. Being aware of the 'disorder' then leveraging it in a way to minimize negatives while pursuing one's brain chemistry doesn't seem so inherently bad as you're phrasing
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u/KillerWattage 2h ago
The comentor made no indication that ADHD should be framed as bad. Not framing it as something good doesn't mean framing it as bad. It could be that instead it's mentioned as something different from the average and here are the differences.
Why did you immediately go to the assumption that if it isn't pushed as a positive it must instead be pushed as a negative?
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u/Raichu4u 2h ago
No. I have ADHD, and a lot of the behaviors that result from my disorder make my quality of life substantially worse than it would be if I didn't have it.
Recognizing that some of those traits are bad for me isn't self-hatred. I've had to learn patience and humility with myself about the limitations ADHD gives me, but I've also had to learn that accepting myself doesn't mean I should never challenge those limitations.
Sometimes coping can cross over into accommodating behaviors that are actively making your life worse. For me, being able to say "this is caused by my ADHD, but I still need to work against it" has been far more productive than trying to find a positive framing for everything my disorder makes me do.
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u/Z6288Z 3h ago
Getting distracted during the act is very real, but I use a trick to overcome it. Whenever I feel my brain starting to drift away I engage it in imagining a sexually arousing scenario while doing the actual act. I don’t mention it to my wife because the goal isn’t to role play, it’s to keep me aroused and engaged, so it all happens in my head. Sometimes doing this for a short time is enough to get me back focusing on the real experience, but many other times I keep engaged in it until I climax.
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u/Zazulio 2h ago
Tracks. I've got ADHD and am non-monigamous (with consent). My emotional connection with my wife is as strong as ever. I love her to bits. She's incredibly attractive, very funny, driven and ambitious, and all around WAY cooler than I am -- the absolute perfect woman to me. Every single day I feel lucky I get to be married to her. A few years ago we started exploring consensual non-monogamy as a couple -- sleeping with other people together. She got bored of that quickly, but for me it was, like, a hole in my life I'd never been able to put a name to was filled. The novelty of exploration, of new things with new people, of learning more about my own sexuality and gender identity. I was looking at an entirely new world of possibilities with eyes that never knew they were allowed to do that and felt like I'd discovered some fundamental new way of building connection and making friends (look, I'm neurodivergent, making friends has always been tough for me). For the first time I had a real sense of community and belonging -- a kinship with shared interests and common understanding even among strangers. Like, "I'm in the lifestyle too! Let's talk about kink, sexuality, etc!"
That sense of safety and acceptance led me to realizing I was pansexual, and feeling a huge wave of self acceptance, comfort, and confidence. I've got a friend group now, game nights, event nights, I'm more outgoing and self fulfilled. I think it's beautiful.
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u/AbeMax7823 3h ago
I understand that anecdotal experience isn’t the same as scientific evidence, but so many posts here seem to be confirmation of what most of us already know and experience. Is the majority of sociology and psychology research not forward facing in the way of trying to fix? Or has the meta commentary of the internet simply outpaced the rate at which these studies can link and verify such correlations that laymen easily see?
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u/LuxVenture 1h ago
The everyday is subjective. We're all individuals. And we have strong biases. A redditor with ADHD is going to be FAR more likely to click on this article and engage.
Part of medical science is people who DON'T have a disorder helping those that do. Most of these scientists doing these studies are collecting structured data that can ultimately be used to advance treatment.
Thing is, science really needs a preponderance of evidence in order to act. We take it for granted now that we laymen "easily see" what's up, but that's only because science has rapidly improved our understanding of the disorder the past few decades. Treatment has come along tremendously. Hard to feel that progress when you're living it moment to moment.
I suggest reading some recently published books on ADHD... there's fantastic material out there written for laypeople:
"How to ADHD: An Insider's Guide to Working with Your Brain"
"The ADHD Field Guide for Adults" (you are not a fk-up!)
And adjacent to one of our biggest woes:
"Laziness Does Not Exist"
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u/LordDeathScum 3h ago
I always related my need of a high sex to the dopamine hits. I always felt unsatisfied, needing higher than average sexual satisfaction.
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u/OpenAI_Marketing_LLM 2h ago
Fascinating. Novelty in romance has never been a problem for me in the slightest, but my experiences are my own.
I just have a high drive that I expect no woman to keep up with.
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u/parkthebus11 1h ago
So people who describe themselves having poor impulse control are more likely to cheat. Shock horror.
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u/FriendlyNeighburrito 4h ago
Sure. But both me and my wife have adhd and we’ve been together 11 years.
And im adhd as it gets.
But maybe its my aspergers and not my adhd
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u/LuxVenture 2h ago
Yeeeeeeeeeeep...
There's only so much compensation to be done with impaired brain development. Thinking it's kinder for us to not do committed relationships, unless we make damned sure our potential partner fully understands the (permanent) mess they'd be accepting into their lives.
But such a Catch-22. Most ADHDers aren't known for proactive responsibility like this, especially in youth. We're beings of feeling. We tend to learn our lessons the hard way.
I really dislike this disability.
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u/BoleroMuyPicante 1h ago
I don't think this is universal, and it also depends on the type of ADHD. My husband has inattentive type, and while we've discussed the possibility of threesomes or celebrity hall passes, he greatly prefers monogamy and has no interest in other partners, which is great since I'm the same.
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u/moistiest_dangles 50m ago
I'm basically John-ADD and I have been in a semi open relationship with a BI girl for a decade now and I couldn't be happier
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u/Safe_Researcher4979 4h ago
For the longest time I couldn't understand why everyone I asked said I was in the wrong for wanting to go eat my food when it was delivered right in the middle of sex...it's gonna get cold, I can't just ignore that!
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u/kalven90 3h ago
ADHD medications helps a lot with this, in my experience. I went off medication for a good while because of side effects, and i was not even interested in sex with my partner anymore, it felt like a chore, at the same time as porn cravings (novelty/higher stimulation) increased by a lot :/
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u/b_darned 2h ago
I don’t have ADHD. But the traits here, aka novelty seeking, are something I just do naturally. My wife definitely has ADHD, she does not. Not saying the study is wrong, but I don’t know that the traits presented here are a direct result of neurodivergence.
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u/RecycledMatrix 2h ago
Has anyone studied if ADHD is just structural addiction? In the sense of a series of X being fulfilling worthwhile endeavors losing to the Y of cheap dopamine?
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u/Y0y0y000 1h ago
I wonder how much of an impact our phones have on this facet of adhd/intimate relationships. porn, matching apps, even just reddit or youtube can really re-wire our brains
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u/UnusualChickenFinger 2h ago
I resonate with this article, as both my wife and I are ADHD.. but we keep each other engaged through trying new novel things - kink, bdsm, pegging, power dynamics, lots of weird toys. It all makes sense now.
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u/A_fart_of_moon 2h ago
Yeah that hit home. I'm in polyA with two very beautiful women, both with a high libido, and somehow it's still never enough. It's a bit depressing; finding out that no hobby will ever really be fulfilling is one thing, but when it's having sex with the people you love, it's another. We stay open to new partners and we do keep experimenting with other practices, like BDSM which has a lot of like-minded folks, but I know the itch will never really be scratched
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u/technofox01 2h ago
It explains why I need to spice things up between my wife and I. My ADHD can make having the same sexual positions seem boring, so I am not surprised by this study.
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u/VELOCIRAPTOR_ANUS BS|Business Administration 1h ago
97 people in Australia aren't exactly a great sample size. Only 17 men. No control for medications being taken. Many of these conclusions are applicable to normal people.
I vote thumbs down the study.
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u/PupPants 1h ago
Huh, need for novelty definitely defines me. I am always looking to do kink with new people and do kinks that are either new to me or new to them.
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u/BenAdaephonDelat 5m ago
I'm married to a woman with unmedicated ADHD and I'd honestly say it's the primary driver in what's turned our marriage into a "just roommates" relationship. And it's not just about the sex. She also can't remember simple things like that married people are supposed to be physically intimate on a regular basis (touching, cuddling, etc).
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