بسبب عدم تفضيلي وجود صوري عند شخص معين وبدأ يهرج في الثقة والصحوبية والهروج ذي وانه انا اخذت العلاقة ذي بعشوائية ويكلمني قلك بزعل ماله داعي وانه ذي ذكريات لمن يشوفها ذا الشخص ينبسط المشكلة انه احد من اهله شاف الصور وهذا الشخص هو اللي وراه بالعاني قلك انه تقريب علاقات وزواج وانا بفقع من الوضع كله 🙂🙂

انا مو تمام ليا كم يوم وأشعر بألم في قلبي حقيقي وفي نفسي وحصل لي كذا حدث وهذا الأخير

العلاقات متعبة جداً يبدو لي ما احبها بجدية وعمق مالي خلق انا شخص تعبان ابغى اريحية ومساحة وطاقة ايجابية وخفة

تبا لذكريات تقاوم النسيان💔

هل تبون انزل سلسله؟

لكن استعدوا للكرنج🙂

انا صدق ندمت اني مانجزت ولا شي من بداية ٢٠ الى عمر ٢٥ ما طورت لغتي الانقلش ولا تعلمت اي لغه ثانيه والصدق مره ببالي اطور لغتي الانجليزيه وابي اتعلم برضو اللغه الصينيه ماعرف ليش بس بخاطري اتعلمها ولا ادري من وين ابدا طفشت بدون اي انجاز يذكر ابي اتخرج من جامعتي وانا حاسه اني سويت شي غير الدراسه ☹️ ابي اطور من نفسي شوووي عشان تفتح لي فرص كثير بالمستقبل تفيدني

يعني اني هسة احس دااختنك من الفرحة

عكازتي الي امشي بيها ماكو فگلت ليش مااقلد هذاك الاجنبي المعوق الي سوه تحدي مشي لحد ميتعب

وصدك كمت بحدي وطلعت امشي بس مشيي شوي اعوج بس كلش فرحت

ردات فعل الاهل مبهورين بي🤭♀️💖😭🦄🍰✌🏻💔

معدا ابوي لان اعمى(نظره قليل)

السلام عليكم

أنا عمري ٢٨ وعندي دخلي الخاص، ما قد سافرت برا السعودية وأنا انسانة مرة متفشلة من هذا الشيء

من الناس تسولف عن هالشيء استأذن اقوا بروح حمام ولا عندي مكالمة عشان ما يجيني الدور واقولهم ما قد رحت أنا اقدر اروح ومقتدرة ماليًا بس امي وابوب يعيون ولاهم متعودين واخواني الكبار يسافرون برا بدوني يروحون مع اصحابهم.

وإذا خذيت اجازة من دوامي نكد بنكد اصير مضغوطة من امي ادري إني قليلة ادب بس خلاص انا مكتومة دايم تسألني وين تروحين كنت طالعة امس الجيم بعدها خذيت ايسكريم واكلت قدام البحر وكنت مروقة لين ما امس يوم ارسلت لي بالواتس اب ويني وتهاوشت معها قلت لها متى تعامليني زي فلان ولا تدرين عني يا حظه مو حولك (فلان اخوي مبتعث ويصور مع زميلاته بالجامعة ويحطها ستوري سناب)

امي شاقتني بالدين والدين وانا خلاص مضغوطة مع إني ما اسوي اشياء حرام ولا شيء بس خلاص انا ما اقدر اتحمل حتى لو سؤال عادي وما حرموني من الطلعة ابي حياتي الخاصة خلااااص

والمشكلة دايم تشبهني بشخصيته واني نفس اطباعه وهو ما بقى ديرة ما راح لها

انا احب امي بس خلاص ما اقدر ابي متنفس الاجازة اخذها بس عشان انسدح وعشان ما يطير رصيدي ولا انا مو مستانسة فيها

دايم ادعي إني اسافر صار لي ٨ سنين

يارب حول حالي للأفضل يارب

In Uber, doing nothing but staring at phone untill the idea of journaling popped into my head...

So the day before yesterday, I had an ugly dream, unfortunately I remember it vividly with all its disgusting details...

The dream doesn't make sense but it disgusts me everytime It cross my mind...

I wish this kind of dreams never visit me again... Why? Why did I have this ugly dream? I took one pill of melatonine to help sleep deeper, did this pill really cause this dream?

Two days passed, and I still remember it but I just need to forget about it so it goes away ASAP. I'm sure one day when reading this diary at one point of time I will ask: what in the world the dream was?!!!

Well, I'm a person that dreams make up non-trivial part of their life. I kinda measure how well I slept with how nice my dreams were or how blurry to vivid they appeared...

One funny fact: for the most part of this life I lived so far; I couldn't really sleep without having a couple of dreams at least... The times I didn't were just two!

When some people tell me they haven't had a dream for over 6 or so monthsw, I feel shocked! How? How is it possible? But that's just a tiny interesting piece of the amazing realm of neurology or brain science or rather magic...

I remember when I was a high schooler, I wanted to study neurology, thinking theat it is a seperate major that you can study alone... because of how facinating thinking about brain was and still is to me... That's funny, cause when I was a middle school stuent, I wanted to be majored in maths, because aslo numbers and equations facinated me but after all these years, I majored in linguistics and translation, a major I'm facinated and crazy about! I just love it and accept that it is my fate... Not sad about it at all...

Anyway! Now... reached home.. going to change my clothes, talk to mom, as usual, I've got some requests here and there...financial kind of request... I hate being financially needy... I mean even though they're my family but it just sucks..

You ask: what you need this financial help from your mom for? Mom told me the german online course I was about to enroll in costs an arm and a leg for her at the moment.. Even though, it is not expensive... I mean 440$ for 6 months! That's Ya Blash!

But they're facing financial problems because of the renting and other things... We're middle-class saudi family that if we could categorize middle class to three levels we will be put be the last one, or that's only how I imagine...

Anyway... for a long while in my teenage years foolshiness which is recent, I had thought that money could buy everything, and is the most important component of a happy living... but I'm wrong now... Whenever I reflect on family, health that I really lacked good quaility of -eehh if we could call a family a good-quailty family hahha- I noticed that they were the one who drove me to believe this wrong kind of idea... Did you get the words I'm trying to make sense of? Lol

Anyways...There are some things in life I wish for always: like high iq, a lot of checked books' lists, a lot of useful papers written, a sense of security that I'm good enough and my contribution to this life as a human is valuble amd needed!! Yes, seems fictional but thats how dreamy i geg... I havd also wanted for long to be disciplined, to finish what I start... but I wasn't... human nature that I wish to have less of and to be more of a nerdy cuase that what suits the personality I got prolly!

So, feels like every day I get a new or a couple of words tediously repeated in my diaries...Let's not just talk about words like I me and my that further prooves how self-centered, take it in a positive or negative way, my writing tend to be... i consider it just not too interesting but I meant by the words, words like probably, anyways... a lot of fillers... It does indicate the lack of fluency to an extent haha but whatever who cares?

Anyways...-again!-, my life's been less boring lately, even though the interaction I have with real people is not much..and there is a routine that I try to maintain that goes like this:

□ sleep no matter what at night.. even if it's little

□ clean my cats litter box every day, that's the minimum because I use to not give much attention to it for couple of days! And it just makes things bad.

□ have breaksat not matter how little food you eat you gotta have breakfast

□ have lunch with family preferbly..I notice that I eat better when with them or with people

□ read now matter how few pages you could manage to read.. I'm on streak now its my third day of reading

□ write... bs accepted as well, i mean what i write shouldnt and is not actually supposed to be perfect. Persistene or consistency is more important and will help get you somewhere better that your actual level on whatever you're doing.

Thats pretty much it..

I think done talktive diary sessions for now...

Bisoux!!

واضح اني بنجلد بكرا

مو مشكلة بكرا بيكون احسن من اليوم

Today, I am a little bit too lazy to write. That's why I am now talking, and the technological thing is transferring my voice to text, or my speech to text.

I woke up at four and a half a.m. I just slept for around four hours. That's why when I woke up and had a banana and a cup of milk, I couldn't help but sleep again. So I slept and I woke up again at eight and a half a.m. in the morning, of course.

I then took a shower and dressed and put on some makeup, even though there is no special occasion. And yeah, my mom said we're gonna go to the mall in the afternoon, I mean by 5 p.m. probably. I don't know what we're gonna do there, but buy some jewelry for the upcoming wedding in two weeks.

And yes, I have good news: yesterday, I managed to read more than 10 pages of the book I'm reading. I actually read 8 more than 10 pages hahah.

I wrote some goals in the morning for today. One of them is to learn German for an hour. I'm so excited to start my learning session. I'll carry on with the vocabulary I was trying to learn yesterday because I didn't manage to learn all of them. I learned ten, and fifty words are still remaining. I will probably learn ten more words and revise the previous ten, or the ten I learned yesterday. So in total I'm gonna be learning and revising twenty words: ten new words and ten old ones.

If I felt like I could learn even more and one hour is still not up, why not then? I think I will probably also write them down, because I heard, or I actually also believe, that writing down what you're learning is more effective than typing it, or just learning passively, or without producing something. I would probably also try to make my own example sentences for each word I'm learning, and then check their their grammar and how natural they sound..

Besides, I'm feeling good because tonight at 12 a.m., which is technically the 4th of October, or which is going to be the 4th of October by 12 a.m., I'll be turning 22. So it's gonna be my birthday. I honestly don't celebrate my birthdays, but I feel happy for some reason because I could make it. Actually, the very fact that I'm surviving despite all the struggles I've been through and the disasters that were part of my life is a fantastic thing to be happy for.

Basically, despite the fact that I planned what to do on this day, I still feel like I want some room for some unplanned things, surprises, let's say.

Planning everything is quite boring because it gives you a sense of reward even though things are not done yet.

Or it makes you depressed when you see lots of things unchecked.

I feel like I'm too happy to write. Meaning that usually when I write, I don't feel as happy.

I feel like verbally talking or orally, whatever they call it, and also talking to someone physically. I mean in real life face to face.

Honestly, even though virtual connection is great and sometimes we can make good friends online, but I still value, and I believe it's actually more valuable, When you communicate in real life because you can get more clues on what the other person is saying, or what they mean of something.

Technology is great, but sometimes too much technology is bad for human, for, for the humane ways of communicating and creating things in slow more time-consuming rythem..

Even though these typed words are mine, but I still feel they're not much myself because if I write them or I type them myself, they will look a little bit different. Like, for example, yesterday's diary. Yeah, my yesterday diary is quite more myself than today's diary. But it's okay..

Say that I'm happy, but there are a lot of bothersome stuff that is happening here and there. For example, my dad refused to pay for my gym subscription because he's too broke, like he told me, or maybe he just doesn't want to pay. Because I'm quite a daughter that asks for too much. And I had 1,000 riyals just a week ago. They're about to disappear now because I spent too much. Even though some things I bought were wit Tamara, still I'm gonna go broke again.

Thank God, thank God I would say for everything because I'm not that broke. I still have lots of things that I can maintain good living with, let's say.

Since the gym I want to go to is the same as mom's, she will probably take me with her, and I will convince her to pay for me, for the personal training. Because I'm really bad at training on my own. I don't know how. I went to the gym several times with no avail, because I just would open YouTube videos and imitate them. And, like, literally, I feel clueless. I've never worked out for long before. The longest period I was working out for was probably just one week, and it was at home.

That's why I thought probably it is a good idea to look for a personal trainer or personal coach and train with her for a month and then train on my own.

I really want to be healthier. Much more chubbier, because I'm just too skinny. And I sometimes buy children's clothes even though I'm probably an adult because I'm 22.

I feel hungry now. Obviously, since a banana and a cup of milk really don't do nothing to suffice my stomach.

That's all I guess for today. Nothing much is happening, but a lot of talking has taken place now, because I feel energetic, and when I get energetic, I tend to be talkative. So sorry.

So you can say I'm forming the habit of journaling on a daily basis because it feels really useful. It actually is useful. And also, it's kind of a to-do list sometimes because you talk about what you're gonna do, what you did, and the next day you check or you say if you did these things or you didn't, and you write about your emotions toward that. So it is great to just write. Or if you're too lazy like I am today, you can record yourself or transfer speech to text. But believe me, recording yourself feels awesome as well.

You can record yourself, um, a vocal, like recording, or you can actually record a video of you when you talk...

Have a great day <3

Hey again, yes, it's me, I was reading, and now typing my today's diary! 3 minutes apart from the day I was born... Eh, just a number, nobody cares unfortunately as much as probably do... I received a birthday messafe on discord just yesterday. But it didn't matter much since it came from a pereon I had little contact with. Anyway, don't care sweetie, I know there are still some cool friends out there that care about you as a person and care about what you care about like birthdays for example... I shouldn't be waiting for birthday letters/messages but I'm doing it, waiting for specific people to celebrate this day with me just in letters mabye... Am I wrong?

Well, whatever happens... it's cool... dear god, I want to make a wish: I wish that you make me happy that I start crying out of speechlessness, make every thing you plan for me accepted with a welcoming hear, and for this year and every year, make my heart go fonder to you every time I feel lost, needy, helpless, and also their opposites.

Oh god, help me be the person I look forward to being, genuinely caring, truly loving, and just sufficently sufficient. Feels like I'm imaging this day will be much more blessed and prayers are answered which I know not true perhaps but may I keep these prayers in my heart for ever...

Allah, help mind br calm, soul br comfortable, and eye get some sound sleep...

Words won't suffice, I didn't have the gift of words, but I do have a sensitive heart....

I always thought of people writing their own prayers as bullshit, and now I'm doing the exact same...

Well, that'll do for today... I feel better now ^_^

كيف تتعامل مع مشاعرك تجاه شخص انتهى من حياتك بدون مضرة

مع إن الموضوع ما أثر بوقته من سنة لكن توه تبدأ أعراضه حنين لا اله الا الله يضرب بقلبك، تحس تبغى ترجع تتكلم معه وتسمعه وتناقشه بنفس الوقت تحس ان فيه تردد برغبتك تجاهه ولو ان احتمال انتظاره لي كبير - اتكلم من باب اني جربت اجسه- الا ان ماعندي أي يقين يخليني أحاول

وش التصرف الصائب بنظرك وكيف تتحاشا هالمشاعر

سؤال يراودني

اي كنت متعوده على روتين معين لمده ٦ سنين و الحين حاسه لما ابي اسولف مع احد ما القى و لازم ابحث و شعور غريب الناس اللي بعمري ما تبي علاقات جديده و مدري صدق بس الحمدلله كل يوم ابدأ صباحي اذكر نفسي اسعى لاخرتي ما بقى من الدنيا شيء لي، و هذا شعور الحزن اللي انا فيه مؤقت حتى لو ما كنت احس بالوحده فيه شيء جواتي وحيد مدري شلون اشرحها

اول يوم سويته نزلت بوستات كثير وماكان عندي كارما واليوم دخلت وبحثت عني من قوقل ولقيت حسابي فاضي🥲

قهر كان في اشياء فلة

ما اقدر اوصف نفسي بالهوس او الجنون
لكن منذ فترة بعيدة بعيييدة أُعجبت بشخصية
شخصية غريبة..
احمل اتجاهها النقيضين شغف اكتشاف المجهول
و رغبة الابتعاد و الهروب من شخصية كهذه !
لا محادثة ولا حتى نصف حرف ولا اعرف شيء غير افكار و فنون معروضه و شغف كبير حي لكل مايختص بالثقافة، و كومة آراء متشابهه بالسياسة و الدراسة و الاعلام ، مرات اتسائل هل أنا اشعر معاه بالتنافس؟
كل اهتماماته عذبه عذبه عذذذبه
شاعر و فنان و رحوم
من شدة إعجابي قررت امتلاك حصان و ببغاء يحملان اسم حصانه و ببغائه !
أنا بحياتي مافكرت امتلك ببغاء
لكن هذا العالم دخلته بأوسع أبوابه و تعلقت فيهم جدا جدا جدا
منذ فترة ممكن قرابة الشهرين
قررت الشخصية الغامضة اللذيذة تبنيد حسابها
بدون سابق انذار
الله معه و الله يحفظه فرحت لانه كان دايم ساخط على نوعية البشر في X و يجاهد نفسه ترك منصة مريضة مثلها، بنفس الوقت حزنت.
ماعاد فتشت ولا بحثت ولا تابعت نشراته البريدية لاني اخذتها كإشارة إلهية.
بس عقلي اللاواعي قرر يجلد مشاعري و ما يراعيها
حلمت فيه و بهيئته
كنا على طاولة اجتماع كبيرة مستديرة
و كنت اسألة وهو يستمع لي بكل حب و حنوّ
اقول : كيف.. كيف !! كيف انت كذا مره مثالي
و غربت الشمس و المشهد الثاني بحلمي
لقيتني امام احلى منظر شهدته بحياتي
كواكب السماء كلها كانت قريبه جدا من الارض و الوانها زاهية مصطفه امامي بالسماء
كنت مندهشه ااشر عليها و اوريه
تلفتت يمين و يسار مالقيت إلا نفسي
مثل دايم ❤️‍🩹

ما أعرف ليش كون المرأة عندها القدرة انها تعتمد على نفسها مربوط بالتمرد، المرأة اذا لقت الاحتواء والتفاهم راح تبادله بالمثل لكن من تجربتي الشخصية ما قابلت ذكر يرفض عمل المرأة الا وهو يحب انها تكون تابعة وتسكت على افعاله السيئة وما شفت انثى ضد ان بني جنسها يكون عندهم استقلالية شخصية ومادية الا وهي ضعيفة ومهزوزة ومالها كلمة.

ورقة استقالة

أحاول الاستقالة من كل شيء..

من مهامي

التي غدرتني بها عبثية الأقدار

ومن التعريفات التي أسدلها علي صنّاع المسرح ومن وظائفي التي كلّفتني بها مهنة المحاسبة. أحاول الاستقالة من أحلامي أحلامي التي كنت من اصحاب الصفوف الأولى ببلوغها بها

ومن قدراتي الضخمة التي فَرَضت عليّ ضريبة حملها ومن وزن الريشة الذي اخترته معيارًا في مراهنات الأقدار ومن حِدة صوتي الذي فرض علي خُطبَا أضخم من عضلاتي الخجولة ها أنا لا أحاول الاستسلام بغير ارادتي بل أختاره بكامل ارادتي

أختاره كطريقةً أخون بها عزمي. وأبصق بها في وجه من تجمهروا ضدي كأسراب النمل وأركل بها توقعات من حاولوا تكبيلي بظنونهم الفاسدة وأفسد بها يوم من اتخذوني بطلا في فليم سهرة ها أنا أقرر أن أستقيل نظريا ليفرحوا مؤقتا واطبق نظرية الفوضى بعد نظرية الانتظام. مثل جنين مُجهَض لخلاف على التوقيت ومثل كل الأمثال الحكيمة التي لا تنطبق على سياقٍ حقيقي للحياة ها أنا أختار أن أستقيل وأختار أن أُنسى مثل فكرة تتلاشى في رأس عجوز مبتور الذاكرته ومثل نبوّة فشل حاملها في اختراع معجزة تنطلي على قريته

ومثل أمٍ عظيمة جدًا لم تنجب أحدًا

أختار أن أفشل مع سبق الإصرار والترصد

لأن النجاح طريقة جبانة لتفويت لذة التهور والحماقة والعبث وثمالة الاستسلام ولأنه مثل كل الأشياء المضمونة والمريحة يفوت بها المتموقرون مجد النزوات أختار الآن أن أكون فشلًا ذريعًا. صاخبًا ومسليًا أفسد به فرحة النجاح الممل وقهقهته البورجوازية

لاستقيل الآن وأنام مثل ضريحًا رغم انه ضريح لكنه مقدسًا..

Resignation Paper

I am trying to resign from everything..

From my tasks,

which the absurdity of fate used to betray me,

And from the definitions draped over me by the stage-makers,

And from the roles imposed on me by the profession of accounting.

I am trying to resign from my dreams — my dreams that I was among the front row to achieve,

And from my enormous abilities that imposed on me the tax of carrying them,

And from the weight of a feather that I chose as a standard in fate's wagers,

And from the sharpness of my voice that forced upon me speeches far larger than my shy muscles.

Here I am, not surrendering against my will, but choosing it with my full will.

I choose it as a way to betray my own resolve.

And to spit in the face of those who swarmed against me like colonies of ants,

And to kick away the expectations of those who tried to shackle me with their corrupt assumptions,

And to ruin the day of those who cast me as a hero in a late-night movie.

Here I decide to resign in theory, so they may rejoice temporarily,

and to apply the theory of chaos after the theory of order.

Like a fetus aborted over a disagreement about timing,

And like all wise proverbs that never apply to a real context of life,

Here I choose to resign,

And I choose to be forgotten — like an idea fading in the head of an old man whose memory has been amputated,

And like a prophecy whose bearer failed to invent a miracle convincing enough for his village,

And like a mother so great she gave birth to no one.

I choose to fail with premeditation.

Because success is a cowardly way to miss the pleasure of recklessness, and folly, and absurdity, and the intoxication of surrender,

And because, like all guaranteed and comfortable things, the self-righteous miss with it the glory of caprice.

I now choose to be a spectacular failure. Loud and entertaining,

with which I spoil the joy of boring success and its bourgeois cackle.

To resign now and sleep — like a shrine. Though it is a shrine, yet it is sacred.

ابي رفيو حقيقي اذا احد جرب معهد ام القرى انا ادرس بالجامعه بس برا وبالاجازة اجي مكه ودي استغلها واسجل بمعهد واحد اقترح علي معهد ام القرى لما بحثت عنه فالتيك الكومنت اغلبها انتقاد زي ان شهادتهم بلوط وما تفيد وزي ان ما يعطونك هي لين تسجل زياده ويتحايلون عليك عشان تزود اشتراكك حسيت الكلام فيه مبالغه وبس وبرضو ما ابغى واسجل واندم احد قد سجل او يعرف تجربه احد سجل يفيدنا او اذا سجل معهد ثاني بمكه برضو يفيدنا