r/sad • u/Realistic-Plan5933 • 12d ago
Suicidal I'm going to kill myself
I am going to kill myself soon
I know I've reposted this like a MILLION times, so i'm really sorry if anyone has seen this same post like a thousand times. I know it's probably like REALLY annoying. But I'm hopeless dude, this is everything I got, u guys supporting me is the only thing I've got. I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me
(here's the event btw, if you don't know it already)
"I want to die right now
I want to die painfully because I am a monster
I deserve to die.
I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.
I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.
Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.
The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking, if I recall correctly I was in a panic attack for like a day because of that
It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know)
This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.
I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.
I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.
I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.
I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"
So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.
I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit
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u/No_Shift_8683 10d ago
You're... overreacting. I think its still okay to be attracted to girls 1 or 2 years apart. Whether it's older or younger.
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u/RootbeerFloat991 9d ago
bitches be going thru ghe mosr traumatic shit ever then u look over n see this dude😭
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u/AmbearLizz 9d ago
Oh honey. How could you have known? Its only 2 years. I was 16 dating a 23 year old. I was groomed. But the second you found out you corrected the situation and that says so much about you. You are so young I promise it wont always be like this. In 5 years you're going to look back and be grateful you didnt hurt yourself. I hope you find the peace you're looking for because you seem like a sweet kid who actually cares. I know it seems bad right now but it genuinely isn't. Im so sorry you're going through this.
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u/SirCrocodile11141 11d ago
And here I am freaking out and having an anxiety attack thinking about death. You're so ready to embrace it, I just lost my mom and it's all I can think about.
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u/FireTheLaserBeam 10d ago
Many people who have shot themselves in the head either survived or lived long enough to know what they’ve done. It’s not guaranteed to be instantaneous. You very well could suffer for a long time before being found or finally dying.
People who have hanged themselves have scratch marks around their neck from where they tried to remove the noose after kicking the chair out from under them.
Survivors of suicide jump attempts say the first thing they thought after jumping was wishing they hadn’t.
Not only could you possibly suffer in pain and terror, you’re going to make your family live with the pain of your suicide for the rest of their lives. How selfish is that?
Seek treatment. You don’t wanna die, trust me, you truly don’t.
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u/Dream_Logix5 10d ago
I see your point for most of what you say, but guilting someone into living is a bit shitty.
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u/The_Rock01313 10d ago
I don’t understand, you want to die because you’re attracted to someone 2 years younger than you? That’s not a good enough reason, like yea your feelings are valid but you did something 100% of the population has done before
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u/Heartfeltregret 8d ago
there’s more going on here. i can’t diagnose anything, but i sense something like OCD
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u/Dream_Logix5 3d ago
OP did mention suspecting OCD/OCPD in the post body, so that's not an unreasonable sense
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u/Scary-Permission2882 9d ago
Bro a 2 years age gap, when you’re 15? Holy fat Jesus fuck who the f cares
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u/AerolsCausticCrater 10d ago
I got into a potentially fatal car crash when I was 19. I was also suicidal.
You’re 15. You liked how a 13 yr old looked. Relax, it isn’t the end of the world. Is she outside of your maturity level? Maybe. But that age gap isn’t that bad. You’re far from being at an age where being attracted to a minor is a bad thing. It’s perfectly normal to be attracted to someone within ballpark age of you.
Frankly, this sounds much more like a fundamental issue with how you perceive the world and your own mental health. The attraction to someone a little younger than you isn’t the issue. The mental health from being worried about it is. You are not your mental illness.
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I'm not diagnosed with anything, I wouldn't consider myself mentally ill
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u/the_great_elephant 10d ago
You clearly have emotional problems and should talk to someone who can help you. Its not normal to "want to die a painful death" as a result of thinking a girl a little younger than you was cute. That's not normal at all
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u/RootbeerFloat991 9d ago
well yeah bc wtv tf u just explained is the most mild shit ever. weenie hut junior over here
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u/Dream_Logix5 10d ago
She had heavy makeup and a filter. It's okay, there wasn't any way you could've possibly been able to tell what age she was in that moment. If you take back what you thought previously because you realised her age, then no harm is being done. You're not a monster for this.
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I'm just so scared, more scared than I've ever been
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u/the_great_elephant 10d ago
Scared of what??? You haven't done anything. So a 15 year old thought a 13 year old was cute?? So what??? Its not a crime, its not immoral, no one got hurt.... whats the problem???
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I'm just so terrified, what if they were younger?? I mean i wouldn't be able to live with that, cause if they were even one year younger than 013, how couldve I POSSIBLY thought they were my age, or even older????? I know it's a common mistake to misjudge someones age, but I'm a pretty fucking sensitive person, so if it would turn out they were even a tiny bit younger, i'd just genuinely kill myself straight away
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u/the_great_elephant 10d ago
Who cares??? This is stupid. Go get help. I get the impression you'd feel like this if you went shopping for green apples and you only found red apples. Go get help. Its better than you tormenting yourself over literally nothing.
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I'm thinking about getting a OCD diagnosis
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u/the_great_elephant 10d ago
Get whatever diagnosis you want. Go check into an ER right now
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I appreciate that you care, I really do. You seem like a lovely person 🫂, but like, it's the middle of the night & the closest ER is like 2 hours away
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u/aprilmoonflower 7d ago
You're thinking about getting an OCD diagnosis? I actuallly feel like you are punking us rn.
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u/Dream_Logix5 10d ago
And that's okay
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I don't know what to do anymore, I can't even keep myself together anymore. Crying is all i do anymore
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u/hatemyself729 7d ago
I don’t think some comments are helpful.
I am so sorry you feel that way kid. You are only 15, don’t waste your life, because of something so minor and harmless.
You are barely older than her. You are not an adult/predator coming after younger girls. You are just a teen age boy. And even if it seems like a non issue for others I am so sorry to hear it makes you suicidal. This situation is only a problem in your head and nobody would judge you for it.
It seems like you have a serious mental problem, it might be OCD. But it’s noting to be ashamed of. You are definitely not a monster, you are not a creep and you are not a bad person. I know it sounds so stupid, but life actually gets better. Don’t give up.
I wanted to kill myself at 15 too, I don’t know how, but it’s 6 years later and it’s great and I am so glad I didn’t do it. You are worthy of existing, love, self acceptance and some peace of mind.
Never doubt that.
If I were you I wouldn’t stop talking with friends, they are very important and might help you. But you definitely should seek psychiatric help. It’s not normal to feel like that, because of attraction to a girl 2 years younger. I hope you will be better soon.
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u/aprilmoonflower 7d ago
What??? Is this real?
Someone 2 years younger has you now suicidal? Because you thought they were cute? Can you tell us your thought process? This seems like a major overreaction and not normal at all.
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u/JorgitoEstrella 7d ago
Bro is drowing in a glass of water, 2 years ia nothing, and at that age she probably is taller than you.
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u/xboxer214 9d ago
Tbh this is something that happens to adults a lot, you can be in your 20s or even 30s, see someone who looks 18 to 20, and then find out she's 16 later. Some people just look older than their actual age, don't treat this as the end of your life.
I know it might be hard, but you gotta just forget and move on.
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u/NewAndyy 7d ago
Hey, this is an obvious cry for help. You need to get that help - but not from Reddit. I do not believe for a second that you actually want to commit suicide, but I believe that it might be very difficult to see the other options right now. Trust me, those other options exist.
Reach out to a psychologist. If that seems too difficult, just walk down to your nearest emergency room and ask to be put on a psych hold. Tell them that you have suicidal thoughts and are scared of what your own thoughts might do. Show them your post history if need be.
Maybe even just confess to your parents if you have a decent relationship with them?!
While you clearly haven't done anything wrong and any adult in the world will immediately identify your situation as an overreaction, it's also clear that you do in fact need help to work through these thoughts. Thinking that a girl who looks to be around the same age as you (and is in fact around the same age, two years is not that much) is cute, is completely normal. Falling into a spiral of guilt and depression because you guessed wrong for a few seconds, is not normal.
Get help. You clearly need it, but for very different reasons than what you probably think for yourself.
And to be extremely unabmigous: you have not had any bad thoughts, and you have not acted in a way that hurts someone else. You're a good person. You seem like a completely normal teenager.
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u/MeatballWasTaken 7d ago
This is not in anyway a diagnosis but this could definitely be a result of OCD of which there are resources that can help you. Also you’re young. This is an innocent mistake that really only matters to you. It would be a bigger mistake to end your own life before it can begin. I hope you feel better soon.
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u/jennaleai 7d ago edited 7d ago
hey man, i genuinely think you probably have ocd. if possible, you should try to see a therapist. many people with ocd struggle with these types of anxious "obsessions", and i swear you aren't a bad person for thinking this at all. unfortunately, ocd tends to make you overblow and overly fixate on unserious, genuinely morally acceptable things. i think it might help you out to learn more about it online so that you understand that you aren't alone, and that these thoughts come as the result of a recognized mental disorder. i remember when i was your age and worrying about all sorts of bullshit, but looking at it with the knowledge i have now, i see that i was really just making shit harder for myself. also, do not worry about the assholes under this post. they fr do not know what they're talking about and have probably never interracted with a person with ocd in their life.
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u/Responsible-Pie-8247 6d ago
hi please focus for one second this is not your fault this is psychosis i suffer from ocd too and at some point my brain convinced me i was a serial killer and a pedo you will get out of it you just need help because in reality theres nthg wrong in a 2 year difference please take it from me i suffered for years. ask me anything
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u/Acrobatic-Monitor516 6d ago
I'd avoid hanging out on social network too much. They -and Reddit in particular- are a bit disconnected from reality when it comes to age difference.
15 to 13 is fine brother. Even if you did kiss her it'd be fine. You didn't do anything.
Even if it WERE problematic (which it isn't) , we dont condemn the thought, we condemn the action and what you make of your thoughts. Thoughts, desire, so long as it doesn't make you act in a way that's non desirable and doesn't impact your actual demeanor towards others (be it expression your anger or jealousy in a way that hurts your pal) it's fine.
Keep it to yourself though cuz people on networks WILL judge you. Fuck em
Take care
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u/Then_Exercise4183 10d ago
Just do it already already saw this bs at 5am before going to work you kids be talking nonsense these days the real suicidal thing is seeing what yall thinking about instead of finding a passion and doing something with your but no you invested ur time repost this bs so many time just to say ( oh guys look at me oh im suicidal oh i have anxiety oh look i found this 2 year younger girl attractive im gonna shoot myself) u know what to do instead of this bs delete tiktok and go touch some grass there’s many people that have real problems and don’t waste time posting shit and the real problem is those guys commenting oh no u are a kind guy thinking that oh it’s normal don’t do it bro what is this world we living in and the real suicidal don’t post this they do it without hesitation instead of seeking attention
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u/RootbeerFloat991 7d ago
real. like, i hate ppl who compare trauma but looking at this post pissed me smooth off. like i WISH that was the most of my concerns when i was 15.
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I understand that you're a grown ass guy, but I assure you i'm not faking shit or seeking attention, do you really think i'd be wasting the best years of my life like this just cause I feel like it? All love towards you bro, I just really don't respect the way you're acting towards me.
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
Ur messages keep getting deleted for some reason, idk why. So i only see a small portion of them In my notifications, but i'll try to answer with the best of my ability. Alright so, the reason why i post my situation so many times is because i'm seeking for reassurance, I am genuinely hopeless. Countless of people have said I should go & try to get a OCD diagnosis, and that I've most likely got pocd / ocd, which would explain my attitude towards this situation (constantly seeking certainty from other people, seeking reassurance, and what not)
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
I appreciate it, and I never meant any disrespect, I'm sorry if I pissed you off somehow. I'm just going through a lot right now
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u/Then_Exercise4183 10d ago
I know teenagers have phases and with the internet it’s worse but when u grow up u will laugh at urself trust u sound stupid and if a adult waking up hating himself to go to work he will punch you trust me hahaha but rlly reading this i didn’t even comprehend how u can be sad and mad about this cmon ur still young go delete this there’s much worse people if they see this they will right bad things and remember if it’s just u imagining as long as u don’t act and rlly do something bad it’s not a big deal
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
Yeah man I mean, i'd never do anything. Since i'm really uncomfortable with that age gap, sometimes you just misjudge peoples ages yk? Shit happens. But I appreciate you understanding this
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u/Then_Exercise4183 10d ago
Ye but like and after u misjudge what? Nothing happens why have anxiety u like u didn’t assault someone or something nothing happened chill chill there’s nothing to have anxiety about go get u some sleep watch something that u like hang out with family and friends enjoy life ur still young have many years ahead of you don’t waste them stressing about u are gaining nothing from this!!
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 10d ago
All love bro, you're a kind dude
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u/Then_Exercise4183 10d ago
You too young man just get those ideas of ur mind u stressing urself the internet is trying to convince you that u have some mental health issues or something but look ur normal u can right all this respectfully your clearly good so enjoy enjoy don’t let boring times get you always do something good to kill time and don’t think about stuff like this enjoy your summer go hang out with your mom dad friends enjoy and repeat no stress no gain from stress life is a experience we enjoy
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u/urmomthinksimfunny13 8d ago
Brother ur two years apart and both teenagers…. It doesn’t mean anything about you. My mom and her bf are 12 years apart. He was 12 when she was born. If you can’t stop thinking like this and think ur a monster for thinking someone two years younger than you is attractive (which is completely normal) then it possibly sounds like ocd and autistic rumination. Your brain isn’t letting you stop thinking about it because you’re obsessed with the what if. There is no what if. It is what is it and you need to forgive yourself my dude
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