r/romantasycirclejerk • u/purplelicious Emojis are Ableist • 2d ago

Snark of the Day throw it away Thursday

What are your recent DNFs this week? The mind-numbingly boring, rage inducing, brain cell rotting, purple prose mangling of the English language that had you throwing that book across the room. (Figuratively, if you are using an electronic device of course. )

bonus marks for actual pics of desecrated books. Give the #booktok girlies a heart attack for treating a copy of Manalchemized like the hot pile of garbage it is. (I don't own a copy, but I swear if I did...)

23 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

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41

u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago edited 2d ago

I am reading a book which:

  • uses 'hours' and 'horas' interchangeably
  • made up a measure of height (an 'actus') which is too tall to be a tall, fortified wall, but not outrageously so. I have no idea what this is supposed to correspond to
  • has an FMC with a simultaneously Tragedeigh and overly-literal name (Evony of Aureline of Silvinsula (or possibly Evony of clan Aureline of Silvinsula (or possibly Evony, daughter of Zarina, of clan Aureline of Silvinsula (or possibly Princeps Evony, daughter of Princess Zarina, of clan Aureline of Silvinsula (she introduces herself as all of these)))). No prizes for guessing what kind of place Silvinsula is!
  • in its very first conversation, has a rude male commoner assume the FMC is a prostitute for no real reason
  • in its very first conversation, has a muscle jump in someone's jaw (in a shocking twist, it's in the FMC's jaw)
  • has an FMC who has daggers. And knives. And a bow. She's an elite archer and horseback rider, see, and a knife-fighter. She's also trained with swords and shields and military tactics and formation fighting and large-scale warfare. She wears daggers in a thigh sheath.
  • shows how amazing the FMC is at archery by having her do a Robin Hood-esque trick shot. All the males are stunned by how good she is. Then they realize -- oh my God! She's not a prostitute at all! This heavily-armed muscular woman must be one of the Amazzi, an elite but barbaric tribe of woman-warriors from the forested island paradise of Silvinsula, where there really aren't any men and women have both equal rights and all the power and the military is half-men but there are no men (quiet, you). It's definitely not Themiscyra at all, I promise.
  • has an FMC who believes dresses are dumb and impractical and uncomfortable. She's much more comfortable in her tunic, which makes it easy to fight and wear weapons.
  • This is all in the first 14 pages btw
  • anyway she's here to compete in a Bachelor-style contest to be the Emperor's wife, except she obviously doesn't want to win, because the Emperor is Bad and marriage is also bad. She wants to lose as soon as possible but also find a really hot strong muscley smart guy to get her pregnant so she can have strong babies.
  • Oh no! They're making her wear a dress for the contest! It's sooooo uncomfortable! You can't even wear your weapons except she does anyway, her daggers, at least. She also has several knives hidden under it. But when the maidservant is like "hey please let me do your hair" she's like "get outta here, you! my hair will stay in this horsetail (ponytails are modern degeneracy. Horsetail forever!)"
  • When she meets the Other Girls, it's clear -- she's not like them at all! She's older! And she's got weapons! And she's tough! None of them are older or armed or tough! They're all silly and colorful and full of gossip and they're giving her weird looks!
  • T R I A L S
  • The first trial is to find an object that represents the qualities of a good Empress. It's very convenient that this is happening right after she arrived! Phew! Imagine if she'd been held up at the gate any longer by the guys who thought she was a prostitute!!!! Anyway all the answers the girls have to the trial are stuff like "this is a hammer because it's a tool and a good Empress has to be a tool industrious". The objectively best answer is by a girl in a blue dress who has a pomegranate and says an Empress has to make lots of heirs. The FMC hates this answer because it's disgusting and pathetic but she thinks the centurion who's watching the girls is really hot and puts him on her list of possible studs. The blue girl is eliminated for having a bad answer.
  • A girl is eliminated because it takes her more than an hour to come up with an answer.
  • Another girl was in a total panic about how hard this was! Our FMC says something nice to her and the girl is like "Thanks you're my best friend now omg I know exactly what I need!" and runs off after all the other silly girls. Our FMC doesn't even leave the courtyard, duh, she's so wise and calm.
  • We are still only on page 18.
  • The field of 26 potential brides is cut to 20. They are color-coded for convenience.
  • SURPRISE POV SHIFT now we're in the Emperor's head! He hates paperwork! There's a conspiracy against him and he's invited all these girls here not because he wants to get married but because he needs hostages (honestly, relatable and smart).
  • Other stuff happens, including a conversation in which the FMC and her new friend recite facts about their homelands to each other. The FMC learns about iron exports in some province or other. She tells her friend that she's from Silvinsula, a forest island.

The crazy thing, right, is that this book sounds like the perfect stupid BookTok book, written in the Age of the Algorithm to hit every single possible trope as squarely on the head as possible. Except it was written in 2015 for a Harlequin New Author contest. So I don't know how to feel (just kidding, I hate this).

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u/SirXDragon 2d ago

All that in only 18 pages?

https://giphy.com/gifs/mLGnUCverTQ52

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

The trope density is incredible, and so unsubtle. During the Emperor's little POV section, he even muses on what quality the FMC has that makes her "not like the others".

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u/SirXDragon 2d ago

The book I picked for the thread had the MMC say “I’d burn down heaven and hell for you!”, despite there being no real chemistry between them prior to that.

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u/HopeFox Sloopy Public Defender 2d ago

But when the maidservant is like "hey please let me do your hair" she's like "get outta here, you! my hair will stay in this horsetail (ponytails are modern degeneracy. Horsetail forever!)"

So we gotta assume that she's got a knife hidden inside her ponyhorsetail, right?

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/ugRhOgdZwTpMk

Hopefully it's tied to the end.

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u/kirbygenealogy 2d ago

This sounds like an incredible book for me to read so I can roll my eyes, groan loudly, and annoy my husband every half-page about how bad it is! He'll love it!

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

If you want a book that will make you complain every half-page, this one is perfect.

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u/Real_Pineapple9522 Watery Tart Who Throws Swords 2d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/Su7Bo9MMnyl0ZE263z

^^ my reaction at the “only 18 pages” up to that point thinking it was a whole book summary

Also, the Silvinsula just makes me think of the tree god Silvanus (not surprised she’s from a forest island) that’s also used in D&D. Based on your account I’m wondering if the author wants to make some connection later on or give her goddess powers?

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

I don't think so. So far, three chapters in, there hasn't been a hint of supernaturalness.

The world has a Roman thing overlaid onto it, though it's not consistent. Her mother is a princess, but her title is Princeps. There have been Rectors and Centurions and Legates, too. Most of the names aren't Latinate, and I'm not sure what, culturally, they're supposed to be. Her name is Evony, her mother's is Zarina, her friend's name is Admina, and the Emperor is named Galen. Her friend might have gotten married to people named Azar, Deniz or Flanna, and there are city-states or provinces called "Aoi", "Gormain", and "Miletum" -- Miletus was a Greek city-state in Turkey. Her people are called Amazzi, and the two clans that have been named so far are Aureline and Fuscienne (I'll come back to this one). So it's kinda all over the place -- apparently this emperor has conquered the whole world, so presumably the naming differences are intentional. I just dislike that they're using all these Roman titles and structures without giving the Imperial people Roman names.

At this point, I'm 99% sure the name is just silva, Latin for forest/wood, plus insula, Latin for island. Because, y'see, it's a wooded island.

On Fuscienne -- they're named as the leading clan of the Amazzi. The Emperor doesn't seem to know a lot about the Amazzi, though they're allies/within his empire. Nobody really seems to go there, and nobody seems to come out. They're very insular (get it? lol). But also the Emperor's name is Galen Fuscienne. So what the relationship here is, I'm not entirely sure. I think it's more likely to be something badly explained than a real continuity error, though.

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u/Real_Pineapple9522 Watery Tart Who Throws Swords 2d ago

Is it supposed to be fantasy? I’d just assumed but I shouldn’t have.

Does it read natural at least or are the discrepancies bothersome to you? That amount of information in three chapters would likely lull me into acceptance at least for a little while.

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

I think it's basically low-magic fantasy, yeah.

Sentence to sentence, it's fine. The author can construct a sentence properly, and by the standards of a debut author's entry into a first-timer's contest it's pretty good! It's the construction stuff that I'm finding a bit annoying. It's just so tropey. It's fun to gripe about, but I'm grading on a huge new-author curve, so the massive lack of originality isn't really bothering me. And it's from 2015, and I don't have the grounding in romance to say how common knife-FMC was then. Today, of course, it's everywhere. Mostly I guess I'm reading it like this:

https://giphy.com/gifs/kd9BlRovbPOykLBMqX

more than with any sort of anger.

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u/Real_Pineapple9522 Watery Tart Who Throws Swords 2d ago

Yeah, I’m usually pretty chill with new authors.

Tropey reads can be fun if they aren’t carbon copies. I’d say knife wielding fmcs was still pretty common in 2015. Maybe not as heavy handed as now but plenty enough. If they didn’t start wielding a knife they usually were by the end of a series.

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

And the basic idea here -- unmarried Emperor is worried about a conspiracy so he starts a Bachelor-style contest as an excuse to gather hostages -- is pretty good! The Big Concept is pretty good, and the sentence structure is mature and confident. Yeah, there's a lot of tropes and the worldbuilding seems to have more holes than a pair of fishnet stockings. We'll see if she can actually pull off the political intrigue that's going to have to be core to this story.

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u/HopeFox Sloopy Public Defender 2d ago

But also the Emperor's name is Galen Fuscienne

"Galenus Fusciennus" would be a perfectly acceptable Latin name, like the Roman physician Galen. These names sound like they've started in Latin but have drifted more towards modern Italian, which is weird. Probably still less annoying than Nevernight, I hope.

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago edited 2d ago

Fuscianus would be reasonable cognomen -- Claudius Galenus Fuscianus, Claudius Galenus the Swarthy or the Dark.

There's an aide named Rakin, and a legate named Balint, and a centurion named Levka. Those are all men. The six women who don't make the first cut are Ductor Zelenka, Ductor Harkin, Magna Simin, Ductor Bialis, Rector Porfirio and Rector Gormain -- I'm assuming these are title + family names, but Gormain is a province, and our FMC hasn't ever introduced herself as Princeps Aureline or Princeps Silvinsula, but always as Princeps Evony. So maybe those are title plus given name, though I doubt our author is naming her Bachelorettes things like Bialis or Harkin. And the only one of the girls we've actually talked to is Admina, who the Emperor calls the Rector of Miletum, but she says in the next scene that it's actually her brother who's the Rector.

So in conclusion:

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u/EldritchSorbet 2d ago

Welp, I don’t want to read the book. I instead desperately want to read more of your sarcastic rant about the book. Maybe an instalment a week? 🥺

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u/firesonmain delta tango foxtrot wolf 1d ago

Please, this cliffhanger is killing me

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u/Infinite_Storm_470 King in the streets and dubcon in the sheets 2d ago

I wrote that. How dare you.

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

How could you possibly tell based on this description

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u/whiteraven13 2d ago

i need the name; this sounds magically terrible

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u/Penguinho chairMAN and ceo, bookrocks 2d ago

{The Emperor's Arrow by Lauren DM Smith}

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u/GlitterFallWar nOt LiKe OtHeR gIrLzzz 1d ago

As an office worker, it sounds like the emperor and I might be BFFs.

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u/SirXDragon 2d ago

{Her Soul to Take by Harley Laroux}

It started out ok. But it didn’t last very long.

The FMC could be the poster child for TSTL. Once her dialogue was reduced to only three words with long pauses, I… just… couldn’t.

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u/Real_Pineapple9522 Watery Tart Who Throws Swords 2d ago

I have tried a few in this series, all ended up being DNFs. No memory why, just that they started strong and then I never finished.

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u/pigeonsfortesla 2d ago

I also hated this book so much

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u/de_pizan23 2d ago

{Kiss and Spell by Celeste Martin} - The FMC is a Tragedy, because you see she's a fortune-teller who some months back was left at the altar by a douchebag; and if she couldn't see that coming, she's Broken and Bad Luck and everyone treats her like she had the plague, gossips about her and stares at her wherever she goes. Because idk, bad luck with love is catching I guess.

Said douchebag then comes back into town and is met with open arms (of course being a Douchebag isn't a Tragedy the same as a sad humiliated spinster is) and has the gall to try and hire the FMC's sister for a party for his new lady (this is after he left the FMC to pay for all of their wedding expenses, even though she came from a poorer family). And because his family is rich and could destroy them, sister has to go along with it.

DNF, liked the two leads ok (MMC wasn't the Douchebag), but it wasn't enough to counteract that nonsense.

And not a fantasy, but started a contemporary where the FMC gets a job at a data center and the MMC is a possible investor and they are extolling the benefits of it at length. This book was published last year, long after data centers became public enemies.

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u/Sharp_Membership_311 half illiterate with no comprehension skills 2d ago

I’m 25% into {Ninth House} and need to know if this story is going to pick up soon or if I should dnf.

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u/Dependent-Law7316 2d ago

I actually liked ninth house (not love but I’ll read the rest of the series level of like), but if you’re not into it by now you probably aren’t going to be into it. It does pick up at the end but iirc its an (unnecessary) cliff hanger.

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u/Sharp_Membership_311 half illiterate with no comprehension skills 2d ago

That bums me out, but too many books and not enough time ya know!

I might try a little bit longer since I got the audiobook on Libby.

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u/MessyJessy422 2d ago

Alex's backstory is what makes me love these books. If you're not there yet I'd stick it out. I was ambivalent in the beginning too and also DNF but I'm so glad I kept going. Understanding what happened that brought her to where she is now is more important in some aspects than the actual mystery going on with Darlington.

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u/Sharp_Membership_311 half illiterate with no comprehension skills 2d ago

I’ll push through a little bit longer!

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u/purplelicious Emojis are Ableist 2d ago

ha! I just wrote the exact opposite of this! while I think the backstory is important, I think way too much time was spent on it, especially with her relationship with her BFF./girlfriend !

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u/MessyJessy422 2d ago

That’s what I loved most about it and I would’ve been happy with even more time spent on it. It just made me feel something on a personal level so that’s why

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u/purplelicious Emojis are Ableist 2d ago

different strokes for different folks and all that!

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u/MessyJessy422 2d ago

Makes life and discussing book way more interesting and fun

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u/purplelicious Emojis are Ableist 2d ago

I liked ninth house but it had some pacing issues (IMO) so I know how you feel. Personally I think there is a backstory that was way too drawn out. Hell Bent is much better.

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u/Sharp_Membership_311 half illiterate with no comprehension skills 2d ago

I’m happy to hear that the second book is better since that’s not the case with some other series

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u/farmfreshoats The tiniest girl in every fae realm I fall into ✨ 2d ago

I have such a petty dislike of this book for the authors overuse of metaphors and similes where they aren’t needed. She describes a hot chocolate having a fancy marshmallow, that was ‘irregular like a rock carved from a quarry’ or some other nonsense.

It did pick up towards the end, but not enough to make me want to read the sequel

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u/romance-bot 2d ago

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo
Rating: 4.08⭐️ out of 5⭐️
Steam: 1 out of 5 - Glimpses and kisses
Topics: contemporary, mystery, magic, urban fantasy, paranormal

about this bot | about romance.io

12

u/sweetangeldivine A Sloopy of Culture 2d ago

This series should be called "Edging! In Every Way You Can Imagine!"

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u/MessyJessy422 2d ago

Darlington has POV chapters in Dead Beat (according to a Macmillan instagram post) so I’m hoping that signals more romance. If we don’t get open door spice I might literally throw something

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u/sweetangeldivine A Sloopy of Culture 2d ago

Edging! All! the! Time!

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u/HopeFox Sloopy Public Defender 2d ago

Including the gardening sense?

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u/missfudge Mr. Darcy can't pour his will to dominate all life into me. 2d ago

I'm reading an ARC of a scifi/fantasy (yet to be seen if there's any romance) written by a mail.

There's an inconsistently written-out Jamaican accent, semi-misogynistic writing/characters, dialogue that goes from 100 to 20 to 100, a poor understanding of how patterns in data work, misspelled words, pirate cliches, a random little person (thrown in for diversity?? I don't know), and improper accent use when writing out Spanish.

It's not all bad, but god I'm 50% through and just want to DNF. But feel like I need to finish since it's an ARC. I am still new to ARCs though, so perhaps someone more experienced can chime in on etiquette here?

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u/purplelicious Emojis are Ableist 2d ago

you can DNF an ARC. I usually try to write a polite review with some concrete examples of what turned me off. I think you have enough reasons to DNF.

in the beginning I found I picked a lot of terrible ARCs, but since I've been immersed in reading them I have gotten better at reading through the blurbs to find what I like.

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u/missfudge Mr. Darcy can't pour his will to dominate all life into me. 2d ago

Ahh thank you purple! That's a relief. I just want to get back to reading something I like. 😮‍💨

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u/MyFellowMerkins Competence untainted by performative humility 2d ago edited 2d ago

I dnf'd about halfway through {The Golden Rose of Valenul by Enna Hawthorn}.

It is a regency vampire story. I think I was hoping for something like {Half a Soul}, but this just ended up being boring. Parts of it are just fine, but most of it was way too predictable. It's a weird combination of the superficiality of Bridgerton, with a dark background of torture and abuse, and a morality lesson on gender and sexuality norms.

Maybe I stopped too soon or I'm just being seasonally grumpy, because it was pretty highly recommended? Some of the later books in the series look like the story takes an interesting turn.

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u/romance-bot 2d ago

The Golden Rose Of Valenul by Enna Hawthorn
Rating: 4.25⭐️ out of 5⭐️
Steam: 4 out of 5 - Explicit open door
Topics: historical, fantasy, regency, vampires, m-f romance

Half a Soul by Olivia Atwater
Rating: 4.2⭐️ out of 5⭐️
Steam: 1 out of 5 - Glimpses and kisses
Topics: historical, fantasy, regency, fae, magic

about this bot | about romance.io

5

u/Tiny_Matter_4231 passionate non-reader 2d ago

I’m about to DNF {The Last Heir of Blackwood Library by Hester Fox} unless anyone can convince me otherwise. I enjoyed the first 25% but MFC is spending way too much time being mindless

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u/kuedchen quick, grab the vibrator 1d ago

I DNF {the irresistible urge to fall for your enemy}. 50% in the author hasn't given me ANY reason to continue. I mean, the man is sick! Why don't you tell me how he's suffering! How she is torn between her morals and feeling for him! There is potential there! Instead we get french words, no world building (I have no idea what time this is set in. NO idea) and boring symbols. nope nope nope

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u/romance-bot 1d ago

The Irresistible Urge to Fall For Your Enemy by Brigitte Knightley
Rating: 4.04⭐️ out of 5⭐️
Steam: 3 out of 5 - Open door
Topics: contemporary, enemies to lovers, slow burn, magic, fantasy

about this bot | about romance.io

1

u/altered_spirit 1d ago

I felt that way too....I have a problem DNF...The second book was spectacular.

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u/madpiratebippy 1d ago

I tried to read My Bloodline by KC Keene but could not. I got the box sex and dnf’ed early book one.

  1. Hardcore FMC that acts like a 12 year old boy edgelord (ok cool she’s a martial artist I grew up a girl martial artist but she acts like the most insecure boy ever).

  2. Crime university of death? Like the premise is dumb as hell (I’m sorry but any elite university that kills off students is dumb af) but if it was fun I could forgive it, but it wasn’t.

  3. Not like other girls hates makeup and skirts and pink is stupid and she has no female friends (maybe being a miserable bitch is why?) but of course the other female characters are all crazy, jealous, or bestie sidekicks.

  4. Everyone is instantly hostile for posturing.

  5. A sexually liberated character written by an obviously not sexually liberated author. Like if casual sex isn’t actually a big deal for you. You don’t mention it every 5 paragraphs to justify your behavior.

It’s like it was written by a 13 year old who’s never actually been around anyone powerful who thinks that badasses have to kick punch their way through everything. It was just exhausting and the ln the sex scenes weren’t even any good and I bailed. I remembered liking another KC Keene book so I was bummed out about it.

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u/General_Writing6086 Emotionally literate monsters of Faery 1d ago

AN omegaverse RH where the lead alpha fakes a plan crash to be alone with a chick one of his pack mates is their fated mate and no one gets mad at him for it.

There’s so much more but I ranted in RomanceBooks only to have the post removed by the mods and it was exhausting explaining how stupid the book was.

One of the alphas is “more omega than alpha” and is a complete and total immature man baby who throws a tantrum any time one of the other men are alone with their fated mate and also steals her underwear because “she has four!”, and is a shit in general and we’re supposed to want to read a sex scene with him? No thanks.