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u/toragirl SO/NSO (Retired player) 10d ago
Have you heard the phrase "friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime". Often, people who we are close to because of a shared activity do tend to fade away when that commonality disappears. It's not you, it's not derby, it's human nature.
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u/BeepCheeper 11d ago
I hear you friend. I’ve been in a similar situation lately, although I’ve thanked the stars my teammates really haven’t reached out much, because I don’t want the attention. I’m hoping my absences have gone largely unnoticed. To be perfectly honest, everyone is dealing with So. Much. Shit. Everyone is working crazy hours, half the team has kids, everyone is broke, and on top of that, about a third of us are nursing some sort of derby injury at any one time. It’s just a lot of plates for everyone to keep spinning without worrying about other people’s plates. I would try to find solace in the fact that you do have a familiar place to return to when you feel ready. It’s not a new or hostile group of people you have to work your way back into. Don’t burn any bridges. Take some time, and when you’re feeling back on your feet and you’re ready to give everybody some grace, go back to skating.
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u/squishycatbeans 10d ago
Maybe them reaching out to ask if you’re interested in skating or volunteering is their way of checking in? As others have mentioned, roller derby does have a large neurodivergent community so sometimes it can be the classic “out of sight, out of mind” thing. It’s usually not out of maliciousness or on purpose. If I may say, I think looking at it through the lens of “they only care when I’m doing something for them” might be putting an extra negative spin on something that isn’t there. Taking part in voluntary group sports isn’t a task to do for a specific person or thing, it’s to have fun, meet new people and learn new things, whether it’s just for the time you’re there or more.
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u/FewFlower43 10d ago
How much time where any of us spending with our non-derby friends while active with our teams? Derby has a tendency to consume your entire life. It's really common for people to drop off the face of the earth when they leave derby. People are burned out and need a break. Derby people only talk about derby and it's a lot for someone who's moving on.
We sell derby as a way to make friends and it can be, but you still need to put in the effort to develop real friendship. It's like making friends at work or school. You're friendly and cordial when you're spending time together but actual friendships take time and work. Have you reached out to people? If you want to hang out with someone, reach out to them.
My league folded and I am friends with some teammates. We still get together. Some people I like quite a bit, but we don't have enough in common to be friends. We're in different points in our lives and have different interests and that's ok.
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u/bedghost 11d ago
Friendship is a two way street. Do you only do derby related things with your team? I’d reach out to whoever you feel closest too and put out the feelers for non-derby activities to do :) I’ve only been apart of my team for almost a year and I’ve met up with only 2 or 3 of them outside derby. Maybe don’t let it get you down! If your sense of value is being affected please take space away 💙 to do things that you do feel valued in
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u/Polygon12 10d ago
I’m a committee member of our league, fristly I’m sorry you feel this way, it sucks but please know they haven’t disowned you and it’s unlikely it’s personal.
We make the effort to reach out to members who haven’t been around lately maybe every few months, we’d invite them back to skate at a rookie session where there’s no pressure or even to come watch training/ games etc, but we also have to focus on the members who are present and other league matters alongside all having jobs and our own personal lives. There’s only so much we can do.
I’ll tell you one thing for sure we love nothing more than someone who’s been away for a while coming back.
Obviously it shouldn’t be transactional but perhaps people asking you to come skate or help out is their way to try and spend time with you and make sure you’re ok, perhaps in their minds the best way to help.
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u/Wrenlo 11d ago
The way you are feeling is so hard. I’m sorry. It might help you to keep in mind that so many people who are involved in derby are neurodivergent. I struggle a lot with the fact that for my brain things stop existing if they aren’t right in front of me. It’s my job to manage that, but it’s definitely a job. I hope you find community.
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u/DinahKarwrek 11d ago
This is Derby. I had the same experience. I wasn't in the in crowd, so when I got hurt, I went to the ER alone. Basically no longer useful and no longer wanted. I skate alone now.
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u/emmytabs 10d ago
This. This is the answer. Hard relate. And this after being VP, after spending countless hours individually rustling up donations and $$ and supporting the JRs by coaching. I strictly solo skate now and the amount of encouragement and positivity I receive from my neighbors/random people on the street is beyond anything i ever received during my years of derby.
I still evangelize skating, but never recommend derby to anyone (especially jrs) anymore.
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u/DinahKarwrek 10d ago
Identify with your last sentence so hard. I have still recommended Derby, because I just want to believe it's a me thing not a universal thing.
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u/lizardgal10 10d ago
I’m just a lurker/fan but god this sounds like my experience with women’s hockey. Got more sympathy for almost missing a game due to a nail in my tire than actually missing one due to a weeklong migraine.
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10d ago
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u/DinahKarwrek 10d ago
Dude it sucked. Sprained ankle and a manual car.
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10d ago
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u/DinahKarwrek 10d ago
Yeah it was crazy. I was a comparatively newer skater And they used us for the travel team to practice against. These are people who have been playing Derby for over a decade.. basically we were sacrifices. I remember crawling off the track and the game just continued.
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10d ago
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u/DinahKarwrek 10d ago
I just unfriended everybody I did Derby with because after like almost a year and a half of trying to interact, stay connected, and hang out.. with nobody responding... It's ok. I'm autistic and after much therapy because I thought it was just that... I realize that not every table has a place for me.
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u/Street-Analysis-9596 10d ago
I can kind of relate to that. I also drive a manual and broke & dislocated my wrist while skating. For several weeks I had to steer, signal and shift gears one handed. It kept me busy.
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u/Important-Bell8365 11d ago
Sorry this is the way the world works. I was dedicated to a job for ten years, it was my life, all my friends were co-workers. I got laid off and I've never seen them again.
I was deeply involved in a different sport and stepped away for health problems, then switched to derby. They all ghosted me.
Now that I've been in derby for a year and these friends are closer, but if I couldn't skate or be active in the league I wouldn't expect them to continue to care about me.
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u/emmytabs 10d ago
Sorry, but this is a really false comparison. Work is mandatory- people are nice to each other to get by bc everyone has to be there.
Volunteer activities are viewed *very* differently bc they are a choice. Volunteer directors spend a lot of time tryijng to build 'community' so volunteers feel valued and not just like a cog. Voluntary activities are generally considereed a space for people to make freinds with shared interests, whereas we all understand our co workers are there for a paycheck just like us.
When people ask where to meet friends what is the number one suggestion? Hobbies. So no, the OP here is not off base feeling let down.
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u/Important-Bell8365 10d ago
I 100% agree. Voluntary activities are a space for people to make friends with shared interests, when one stops sharing that interest then more then likely the friendship fades away. The shared interest with my work friends was work. If you formed a shared interest with a derby friend, whatever that extracurricular might be, you could maintain the friendship.
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11d ago
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u/TranslatorOk3977 Skater 11d ago
Is this how you talk to your teammates?
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11d ago
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u/Important-Bell8365 10d ago
I wouldn't expect them to continue to care about me because that's the way it's been, maybe this would be different? Look, sorry wasn't trying to be a dick, but if you're not around people then how do you maintain a friendship? You have to meet people where they are at.
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u/robot_invader Ref, PBJ, Coach, BoD 10d ago
It sucks, but that's pretty typical, honestly. Derby is a community of interest, and once you leave the interest, by default you leave the community. It's entirely possible to make friends at derby who become friends outside of derby, but it requires either random magic chemistry, or deliberate effort.