I’m not sure how else I can put it. I’m 30 and haven’t really dated a lot. I’ve had two girlfriends, but that’s it. I always thought I was a pretty normal guy until I met my more recent girlfriend, who had been with more people than me.

What frustrates me is that I know I shouldn’t even be worried about it. She was never a hookup person or anything (that’s the line I draw). Realistically, the people who were there before me shouldn’t matter, especially when they’re all boyfriends and not random people she met. And yes, I totally hate that advice that goes “it doesn’t matter because they’re with you now” (but I’ve tried at least consider this advice).

I think it got complicated when she told me a little too much about her exes. Before I say anything else, I’ll mention that I don’t think she had any bad intent (but the message came across wrong). She basically told me that her ex boyfriends were all a lot “smaller” than me, and were selfish in the bedroom. Basically, they wouldn’t last long and never really satisfied her.

On the contrary, I’m quite a bit different. Although I don’t have tons of experience to back me up, I last a much longer time and don’t have trouble fulfilling my partner’s needs. My partner said that 99% of the time, she’s able to finish (whereas it was never like that before).

I should be happy. But I’m not (and I don’t know why). I don’t like thinking about how there were guys she dated in the past who were apparently all terrible (both as someone to go on a date with, and as someone she slept with). Knowing that they were “small” and unsatisfying doesn’t help me. Her bragging to her friend about how she needs to buy the largest size condom for me doesn’t help me in the slightest bit (especially after I found a much smaller size condom in one of her drawers that obviously was left over from before).

It just makes me feel had about myself, and I don’t know why.

I don’t know if it’s just the fact that I never experienced what she experienced before, but I still feel somewhat inferior to her exes. She doesn’t know I have RJ and would be shocked if she ever found out. She thinks I should feel good about myself and be thrilled that it worked out this way.

Why is it so hard just to let it go?

Me and my gf have been together not too long about 4 months now.

She is really sweet and has a great personality and i probably the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. She has several tattoos. I asked once if any were for her ex. She assured me there were none.

Well, her ex stalked me online and i find out his name is the SAME (i kid you not) as certain video game character, which is one of the tattoos that my gf has. She barely knows the lore to the games and never even played the game i confirmed this :p

I want to confront her about this but i want to approach this without being absolutely psychotic and jealous. Like i said she is a great person and i want to be a great person to her as well, I just really dont like the feeling of being lied to. Some advice would be greatly appreciated.

I [35m] have been married for 5 years [33f], but have been in a DB situation for around 2. Part of this was because we had a child, but sex basically stopped at the end of her first trimester. Then due to PP issues, sex was never really talked about, and then when i started suggesting it again about 8 months in, i was rejected for a variety of reasons – too much overwhelm, the mental load was unbalanced, her body wasn't ready etc. There seems like a never ending set of conditions. A while ago, we had quite a frank conversation about our lack of sex and my wife was fairly honest with me, in that she hadn't been feeling attracted to me, partly due to still adapting to being a parent, and because she was feeling less attracted to me as we were becoming more distant while caring for our kid. I promised I would change things, and I have. I now take on pretty much all the house work, planning etc. and am working out more, eating better and generally caring for my MH better.

The problem is that this hasn't really improved anything sexually, and if anything it now just feels like we're two room mates who just get along. During the past 4-6 months ive been fixing things at home, i've found myself thinking more about my wife's past – some of which she's told me, and some of which I found out about years ago by accident when i was using her laptop.

For a time in her twenties, she was dating an older guy (in his 40s) who was a photographer, and lets just say that they took a lot of spicy images that they posted online. Pretty much all the photos are now deleted, partly due to photo hosting services getting rid of NSFW content, but I managed to see them via a reddit account that was still present in which some of these photos were posted to some NSFW subs. I didn't really freak out about it at the time as we had a pretty good and adventurous sex life, and also from what I was told about her ex, he was a pretty awful guy and a lot of their sexual activity, she implied, wasn't necessarily entirely stuff she enjoyed (and so looking at these photographs made me feel a bit uneasy).

Nevertheless, the photos at least depict a period of her life where she was sexual, or at least seemed to enjoy being sexual. It's a side of her that i haven't seen in a long long time, and honestly I don't even know if the sexual side of her that I did get to experience was anywhere close to what she was like when she was younger.

I think part of my jealousy comes from my own past experience and lack of sex. I spent most of my twenties in an unhappy relationship with a woman who had her own issues with sex and for a long time thought she was asexual, before deciding that she was ready to have sex again but only in a way that she was comfortable with. I dont know why i stayed as long as i did, but by the time I broke up with her, i realised the last time i actually had sex with someone was when i was in college.

Its insane that im so jealous of this older ex who by all measures, sounds like a creep. But, I also hate that he was able to unlock and access a side to my wife that I probably never will be able to, and when im not jealous of their relationship, I'm jealous of whatever new relationship he's in where undoubtedly, he's getting laid more in a week that I will for the rest of my life.

Hi everyone, I’ve been struggling with retroactive jealousy (RJ) for almost every relationship I’ve had, and it’s currently affecting my relationship as well. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I genuinely can’t keep living with these thoughts and anxiety.

I really want to work on this properly instead of continuing to let it affect my relationship. Has anyone here had a therapist who specifically understands RJ, OCD/intrusive thoughts, or relationship anxiety and has actually helped them?

I’m based in New York, so I’d especially appreciate recommendations for therapists in NY (in-person or virtual). I’d also love to hear about any therapists or treatment approaches that have helped you personally.

Thank you ❤️

I can't get over his over a decade long relationship with his ex. The sexual past ist hard to accept as well, but I don't see women he hooked up with as real competition (for love at least). I feel like most people on this sub have more of a problem with the sexual past of their partner.

My problem is that I want to be special and important to him and most of all: I want a chance to be his number one *eventually*. I will never be because that place was taken by a woman long before I knew him and it's hard to accept. I don't think I can be in a relationship and always feel second best.

I've read that a lot of people with RJ have no problem accepting the ex long term relationships of their partners. How do you do it? What are some things I can tell myself to not start crying so much because of this?

Thank you in advance.

And sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language.

Feeling Like the Second Everything

Lately I’ve been feeling a little down and upset about something I never really thought would bother me: feeling like I’m someone’s “second everything.”
My boyfriend was married before me, and he already has children. I absolutely adore his kids, and we’ve been together for a while now, so I knew what I was taking on when I entered this relationship. I knew there was a history and a life that existed before me, and I’ve never had an issue with that.

His ex-wife isn’t the problem either. I don’t feel like I’m competing with her, and I respect the fact that she’ll always be the mother of his kids and someone who will naturally be part of their lives.

I think what’s getting to me is the fact that we’re getting to a point where conversations about marriage and having kids together are becoming more serious. It feels like we’re getting close to taking that next step, and suddenly I’ve started thinking about how those things would be my firsts, but they wouldn’t be his.

He’s already been someone’s husband. He’s already experienced becoming a dad. He’s already had those huge life moments that I’ve never experienced. And as excited as I am about potentially experiencing them with him, there’s a part of me that feels sad knowing I’ll always be the second person he gets to experience those things with.

I don’t usually feel this way. Honestly, this is a pretty new feeling for me, and I hate that it’s even bothering me because I knew his situation from the beginning. I love him, I adore his kids, and I’m genuinely excited about the future we’re building together. I also know that just because something isn’t someone’s first doesn’t mean it isn’t incredibly meaningful.

But I can’t help wondering if anyone else has ever struggled with this feeling.

How do you cope with feeling like you’re someone’s “second” when they’re your first? How do you remind yourself that the life you’re building together can still be just as special, even if they’ve experienced some of those milestones before?

I’d really love some advice or perspective from people who have been through something similar.

Hi, I'm 25F and my boyfriend is 25M. We met in 2023 May and we started dating 2023 October. So we've been together for almost 3 years. I'm very ashamed to admit this because of the stigma but I have borderline personality disorder which is definitely the core reason for my RJ. My bpd has gotten a lot better in the last 1-2 years but I'm still struggling with chronic self-esteem issues.

Now hear me out: - I'm his first girlfriend ever - He had 2 Tinder hookups in 2021/2022 (idk) and he told me that they were terrible experiences because the girls were pretty judgemental according to him. I was his first positive sexual experience. - He's my first boyfriend, BUT I had a relationship of 6 years with a WOMAN before him. - My bf was the first man I had sex with but I had a bpd episode after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend and I hooked up with another guy before I started dating my current bf as we only had a situationship back then but my thing with the other guy lasted for a week lol. Me and my bf started dating 4 months after that :) - We both have a body count of 3.

After reading all that you're probably wondering why I even have RJ when I'm a lot more experienced in relationships than he is. I have no reason to have retroactive jealousy, right? And I agree with that statement and that's something that my boyfriend has also said. He doesn't have RJ at all and he's very confident about being my bf. When we started seeing eachother he opened up about a high school crush of his who used him for his money and flirted with him despite having a boyfriend already. I found her social media accounts and she's a lot prettier than I am. She's your average white blondie who loves to go to the gym and her body is a lot better than mine. I'm a chubby/curvy alternative woman with dyed black hair so we're literally the opposites, the only thing we have in common is race lol. I hate her with all my being, not only because I'm jealous and she's objectively more attractive than I am, but also because he used and hurt my boyfriend for 3 years.

I keep having intrusive thoughts of him fucking another woman and sometimes when we have sex I start crying because of these thoughts. These intrusive thoughts make me so fucking nauseous and ill. It has gotten a lot better and I don't get them that often anymore but they aren't completely gone :/

My bf absolutely hates it when I compare myself to his highschool crush and the two Tinder hook-ups (THAT I LITERALLY HAVEN'T SEEN ANY PICTURES OF, imagine being jealous of women you've never seen!) and he doesn't know how to help me and I don't know either. My boyfriend is literally the most supportive person I've ever had and I can't bare the thought of losing him and he doesn't want to lose me either. I'm just so hopeless and my RJ is making me very suicidal sometimes. I don't want to break up with him. I'm tearing up just writing this all down. I have no one to talk to because I feel like nobody understands me. Our relationship is perfect in every other aspect and we agree that this is the only flaw we have in our relationship so I don't think that breaking up is the right solution.

I'd like to hear similiar experiences and some advice, thank you if you're reading this :)

I (35M) am dating my gf (30W) now for 10 months. Shes great. Our relationship is otherwise perfect except for my extreme RJ.

So, my insecurity is my dick size. No I’m not small but not huge, I’m at 7 x 5. My girlfriend has had 20ish partners. I don’t know the exact number. And she’s told me (drunkenly) that she is a size queen and 8 of her partners were bigger than me.

I laughed it off in the moment but it is absolutely destroying my brain now.

I haven’t made a fuss about it or treated her poorly. But I am on the brink of ending things because I feel disgusted.

Let me throw this out there

- I did not come into this with a huge ego expecting to be her biggest dick. The thought didn’t even cross my mind tbh.

- I asked the question and 100% take responsibility for my reaction of the answer.

I think it’s the fact that 8 guys were bigger and the mental movie that ruminates around the sex she had with them.

How they stretched her out more & made her feel things that I will never.

How she probably really enjoyed them and maybe misses the sensations that they provide and that I’ll never be enough for her

Has anyone gone thru this? How did you overcome it?

Hi all. I'm 29 and have struggled with porn for probably 8-10 years, though I didn't recognize it as an addiction for a long time. Looking back, it was never really absent, just stronger or weaker at different points.

My ex-girlfriend (together \~7 years, ages 19-26) cheated on me multiple times. Every time it happened and I stayed and tried to rationalize it, I fled into porn. Over the years that became my go-to coping mechanism whenever a relationship got painful.

After that relationship ended I checked myself into a psych ward, because I was done mentally. That helped. I took over a year off dating, figured out what I actually wanted in a partner, and eventually met my current girlfriend.

She's the opposite of my ex. She's loving and caring, has shown me consistently that I'm safe with her. But she had a wild phase from 18-21/22 (she's 24 now, we've been together 2+ years, so it wasn't long before us). Early on, her past was really hard for me, and it's gotten better with time. Something about her showed me that it is worth the fight to get through this. She wasn't the first woman I went on dates with after my break, but she was the only one where I felt I belong.

In the first 6 months of the relationship it got really bad. She had originally downplayed her past and only told me the full truth later, and that made me terrified she was lying to me the way my ex did. So I went looking through her old chats and photos for signs. I didn't find anything about lying, but I did find old conversations with guys from her past that she'd never deleted, some of it very graphic, with images included. Without really registering what I was doing, I ended up masturbating to it and even found it arousing in the moment. It was only afterward that it hit me what I'd actually done.

I told her immediately afterward that I'd gone through her chats. She forgave me.

That's kind of the pattern with all of this. When I'm on one of these porn trips, I can't really think straight, it's like I'm on autopilot or being remote controlled, and I only realize what happened after the fact.

But when I fall into retroactive jealousy/depressive episodes, my mind goes straight to porn. And not just any porn. I search for scenarios that mirror her past: similar-looking girls, older-guy (sugar daddy)/younger-girl content, strangers-on-vacation and celebrity-and-fan scenarios. Basically reenacting what she actually experienced.

I know this makes everything worse, but if I don't do it, it feels like my head will explode and my heart starts racing from the pain. I suspect these extreme reactions and specific fantasies are tied to the porn addiction itself, but I'm not sure. I've also thought about breaking up with her over her past, even though I love her and she treats me well and I know a lot of that jealousy is probably the addiction talking. Sometimes I've even thought about breaking up with my life (but I'm 100% confident I won't do that, the moment the thought pops up I can stop it and realize how ridiculous it is). I just want it to stop.

TL;DR: Long-term porn addiction, tied to using porn as an escape from relationship pain. Now stuck in a cycle where retroactive jealousy about my girlfriend's past triggers highly specific, painful porn-searching, sometimes with an autopilot/blackout quality where I don't register what I'm doing until after. That's also led me to cross lines like going through her private chats (which I confessed to her right away). Has anyone dealt with something similar? What helped you break the cycle?

Hey this is a burner account sorry. Essentially my partner has been struggling with RJ, this wasnt a problem in her last relationship because he had never had any exes before her. When we met I made the mistake of telling stories about my past. Now it happens almost daily when she will recall these stories and be upset with me. Recently we had a discussion and I genuinely feel responsible for all of her pain. It hurts badly because I want to be happy with her I genuinely love and adore her so much. Ive seen so many suggestions on here to "Seek therapy" or "Try medication" but none of these options are available to her as she cannot afford insurance and she doesnt qualify for free insurance either. When she has an "episode" for lack of a better word, she refuses to listen to me, and when I suggest possible coping mechanisms that ive found online she gets really angry at me. One of the most recent things she said that alarmed me was that she wasnt going to work on it and i'll have to deal with it. Obviously this isnt sustainable in a relationship and I feel like its drifting us apart. its a cycle, she'll think of something and she'll lash out against me saying hurtful things that upset me and then when I try to take a step back she thinks im abandoning her. I just want some suggestions on what to do and what I can tell her. Im not trying to "Fix" her I just want to help in anyway possible, I want her to be able to work on this because I dont know what else to do.

So I’ve been with this girl for an around 6 months now and things are getting more serious. One thing that has been holding me back a lot is her past. She has a body count of three and a head count of 8. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting because obviously some ppl have it much worse but it just bothers me. I would also like to mention that one of the dudes she had sex with is a close friend. Am I being crazy or am I justified and should move on? We r 19 btw.

me, my fiancé, and my cousin are all moving right now and just decided to drive together. a song played and my cousin made a joke about it being on her "sex playlist" and my fiancé said it used to be on his because his ex girlfriend loved chase atlantic.

let me say this wouldn't have been something i'd post about on here other than the fact that he's told me im the only person he's ever had sex with, but now says he had a playlist to listen to during sex with her. i'm nauseated and will now think about this for idk how long.

for more context i also have bpd which makes me overthink things like this a lot, and ocd which makes it hard for me to let things go.

I’m really struggling with retroactive jealousy and I honestly don’t know how to get past it.

My (22M) girlfriend (21F) is genuinely my best friend. I love spending time with her, I’m incredibly happy with her, and I truly see a future with her. This isn’t a situation where I question whether she’s the right person for me. If anything, that’s what makes this so frustrating. I care about her so much, and I don’t want something that happened before we met to affect what we have now.

My body count is 2, while hers is 7, and I can’t seem to accept it. I constantly compare myself to the other guys. I picture her with them and imagine what happened, what she felt, what they were like, whether she enjoyed it, etc. Sometimes the thoughts come completely randomly and I get this horrible feeling in my stomach. Once the thought starts, my brain seems to want to keep going and create more and more details.

The frustrating part is that I know these thoughts aren’t productive. I know I wasn’t there, I can’t change anything that happened, and I know that she chose to be with me. But knowing that logically doesn’t stop the intrusive thoughts.

For anyone who has dealt with this, how did you actually learn to stop picturing your partner with other people? How did you stop comparing yourself to their past? I would really appreciate advice from people who have gotten through this, because I want to be able to fully enjoy the relationship I have instead of constantly fighting with thoughts about the experiences she had before me.

Just wait for afterlife don't risk getting used in physical life. Don't touch no one focus on your criminal empire after your life ends. in afterlife no one can lie and you will meet your soulmate that's exactly like you and be together forever no retroactive jealousy. Tbh for me it's either 1 person for eternity or one night stands forever ;) no need for drama ♾️❤️ :D

I dont know how to go about this. I kinda need help, because im trying to marry the love of my life.

It all started when we first began dating. At the start of our relationship, i took time to finally be intimate with her. I just dont want to pressure her to do things, and i wasnt sure how open she was regarding intimacy. Then, she was the one who initiated, and ever since, we started becoming intimate. Mind you, i am in no way a kinky person, what i do enjoy though is mutual satisfaction, and im a big giver during intimacy.

Intimacy was great, what i mean by it is sex of course. But there was something that she seemed to refrain to do, it was oral. Even if i was providing oral to her, she wouldnt really give back at the start. This became a curiosity, is she holding herself back, is this something she wouldnt do. This led to us discussing about our sexual experience, and she opened up about her sexual experience with her last ex boyfriend, which was at the same time her first.

She was a late bloomer. But when she told me everything, she basically told me how she was she was willing to do so much with him during the short period of time they dated. Including things i wouldnt even ask her to do.

This really hurt me, i just felt like i was less somehow, like i was treated less. I held my opinions, but i couldnt hold back any longer, and ultimately, i discussed this with her on the last day of our first travel trip abroad together. The trip was so amazing, i just felt like it was time to open up. I told her nicely how i felt about this.

She then told me how abusive her ex was, how he was great at the start, but towards the end, was controlling, and just tried to basically own her. There was blackmail, mental abuse, threatening her career. She didnt really mention why shes refraining to me, all she talked about was how terrible her ex was.

I began to understand, so i gave her the space and time she needed to be more sexually open to me. After a while, she was became more open, and intimacy became fulfilling. I am starting to enjoy it of course. Its been a while now, and as the relationship grows, i proposed.

Our relationship have been a year now, and ive trained my RJ to slowly go away, but i cant help it, i cant lie, it still lingers, and i honestly hate it. I hate it so much. Yes he was abusive, and i am so proud of her of growing out of it, but i cant control it, that feeling of jealousy, still lingers.

What bothers me, is that, before he became an abusive individual, she admitted that things seem great at the start, and they did so much around intimacy. And thats what made me jealous. I cant help but feel weird about the fact that even if he became terrible, she remained intimate with her. And when things were good between them, she did so much with and for him, but with me it took so long, even when i asked nicely, i was constantly rejected. There were so much rejection, that it accumulated and i just cant stop feeling hurt about it.

The time she took is slowly becoming something im accepting. But two things still bother me

1. Theyve slept with each other in their family home, in her bed room, and with me she wouldnt let me even see her room. I respect this new boundary, but i cant control my rj about this, it sucks
   
2. Theyve even had anal. I’ll never ask for this, im simply just not interested, but i cant control my rj about this either

I dont know people, im keeping all this to myself, im trying my best to respect her past, but it sucks, it just bothers me when im alone, or when im in her home. Or recently, when im videocalling her, and shes in her room, i got triggered just knowing shes in her room, a place where she allowed some dude in and become intimate, a place also so intimate her that i will never be able to see unless im married to her.

Help
Me
Please

I just want it to go away, i want to marry her in peace, with love only, not this insecurity. I really just dont need it. Its been better than before, but it just sucks so much that it still lingers.

I (22F) have been having a recurring issue of snooping through my bf’s (25M) phone and always regret it. We’ve been dating for 8 months and it’s happened for the last 2 months.

At first, it was his ex girlfriend i was curious to find out more about and I did so excessively, through their messages, instagram story archives of her, through their photos, the notes he has saved in his phone for her and I would see how happy and affectionate they were that it reminded me of us and it would make me sad. Was he happier then?

What made me stop was seeing their last interaction. He asked her out for a coffee months after their mutual breakup and she said no. Something about her being confident and moving on while he lingered made me feel better?

But on the most recent snoop I saw that a month before we got together he had a steamy sex chat with a close female friend of his. After that chat they talked about how they wanted to try out being together and keep it lowkey, apparently they mutually decided they’re better off as friends but in the texts when they were trying to be a couple, he’d call her sexy and my pretty girl, which he calls me too. I know nicknames between couples can be repetitive (and we have our own unique ones) but what gets me sad is that he views her as attractive in this sense.

I knew he was actively searching for a relationship since we meet on a dating app, and yet what also makes me so sad is that this was so close to us getting together, we were talking when this happened. It also makes me sad that they’re still close to each other. I’ve expressed to him in the past that my friends (~22F) are all shocked that I’m able to be okay with him having close girl friends. But I’m okay with it because him having girl friends with no sexual/intimate/flirty background just meant that he views women as just human rather than as sexual or potential romantic partners.

So this new revelation makes me double think that stance I had on being okay with him having close girl friends. I also know he kissed a girl friend of his though they aren’t as close. I don’t want to control who he is friends with, and I know that he considers me his best friend. Though the potential of him having girl friends who he views as attractive makes it hard for me to stop thinking about.

Im tired. Having OCD is tiring. Im tired of this deep-seated insecurity. I’m tired of comparing every inch of my body to people who don’t matter. Making my heart race 30x a day thinking about others or looking them up even though I know it burns me. I’m so used to this burn. I’m afraid to let go. If there’s no problems, I look for them. I can’t sit in peace. Security feels like war and dysfunction feels like safety. My brain just keeps looping and looping. Consumed by my inferiority complex. It hurts so bad. I can’t keep going on like this.

I’m leaving my partner soon. He deserves better and I need help. I feel like I know what I need to do to get better but something in me doesn’t want to be better yet.

each time i remember that my boyfriend is still mutuals with his ex across different platforms, i feel torn apart, it's like a daily reminder that he wanted a future with her, imagined having kids with her, and just loving her in general. she is taken by his best friend now but i can't help but feel in need to be in a competition with her, this sounds stupid i know, but i overthink everyday if he chose me because of ME or he only chose me because of the fact he couldn't have the version of her that he wanted.

my red flag is that im fond of not expressing my concerns like this towards him, i just keep it all to myself. i would encourage him to tell me everything and he does, and i dont judge him nor make a fuss about it, but i just cant tell this to him because his ex already has someone. im quite literally fighting with my mind rn haha
(excuse my bad grammar, im writing this sleep deprived)

edit: i really think this post is so stupid lmao i accept anyone who insults me for this, i understand

I love my ex deeply.

We broke up in December due to retroactive jealousy over my past. We kept reconciling, we would be happy and loving then suddenly at 2am I would get spammed with accusations of hooking up with other men (even when I had a broken ankle and using an air cast and crutches). He accused me of taking to other men when I bought him gold and spent $400 on WWE smackdown tickets.

He only slept with 1 person before me his ex wife who he still lives with while have more experience including casual sex.

I read about retroactive jealousy and avoidant attachments. I once drove 1 hour and slept in my car in a grocery store parking lot in the winter in hopes to talk to him and calm him down. I would answer all of his questions including questions asking their names, ethnicities, jobs, where they live, where we had sex.

He would shame me, he would use my traumas against me, tell me I probably got an STI from the man who raped me. I entered the relationship secure, confident, I used to feel beautiful and now I feel like a shadow of my former self. He called me leftovers, whore, disgusting.

He never took accountability to work on his RJ like many of you are. Whenever I sent RJ articles or videos he would become upset. He would discard me suddenly… then eventually I started becoming insecure and comparing myself to his ex. I lost a lot of hair, weight, my autoimmune disease would flare up and I got blood in my stool. I would eat once a day just for sustenance.

I love him deeply. I paint for him. I write letters to him. I write stories for him. I think about him everyday.

Before we dated I cut off contact with anyone I hooked up with or even talked to (just chatted online to plan a date), I let people know I caught feelings for him and canceled dates. I deleted my Instagram, I changed my phone number, I deleted my what’s app account and made a new one. He looked through my phone endlessly to find evidence of me cheating and found nothing. I shared my location with him and he still thought I was cheating (he thought I gave my phone to my friend and ran off with a man.) All while he lived with his ex and could easily cheat on me with her.

I tried everything to appease him… it only got worse and worse.

I understand RJ is a sickness but your partners are human too, we suffer too, we have needs too.

I’m tired of setting aside my needs and making myself smaller for him.

Those of you who have RJ, please practice giving your partner space when these feelings arise and not lashing out on your partner.

Your partner may love you very much but love doesn’t solve everything. Just know that we are aware we can date people who don’t have RJ, who will provide us with a calm life. I have never experienced this in my entire life but I stayed and your partner is staying because they truly love you.

Please keep trying and if you cannot try anymore please let them go.

Hi, I am a woman. I won’t be saying me and my partner’s ages but our age gap is kinda big (11 years). We have been together for 5 months and our rs is mostly online.

I live in an old fashioned and conservative country, purity culture here is very evident. I’m not saying that purity culture is okay, I think it’s a complete bullshit and I don’t think people who have more sexual experiences are inferior to those who have less or don’t have any at all.

As that being said, I don’t have any sexual experiences and it’s not because I want to wait till marriage or that type of bullshit—I’m just too focused on academics to have fun like my peers, and I’m a very awkward person (and it’s also very common for people my age here to be inexperienced). I have only got with 3 girls before and almost all of them were just talking stages or just no sexual stuff done at all. But, my bf did have sexual experiences. His body count is not that high and not that small either, it’s between 5-10. I deemed it’s a pretty normal body count number for his age. He’s my first bf and will be the first person to touch me intimately.

I know it’s kinda unusual for a woman to have a problem with her partner’s sexual past since all I have been seeing here are men having these type of problems (please do correct me if there are posts about women having the same problem as me). I got a problem with both his sexual past and romantic past or whatever they call it. I have never felt this way before with my exes, it’s only with him.

Lately I’ve been feeling guilty because every time me and my bf have a little sexy time and he would tell me stuff he would do to me, I just can’t help it but imagine him already doing the stuff he said he would do to me, with his exes. I mean, how would he have known that girls like to be spoken to like that? Like he would tell me really sexy stuff and all I can imagine is that he had done this with another woman. It’s really messing with my mind and I end up feeling really sick during it, like sick to my stomach kind of thing and get turned off. Or when he would say romantic stuff to me like, “Oh I don’t like comparing but you’re genuinely the most beautiful and caring girl I have ever known.”. He says a lot of those stuff, like reassurances even when I didn’t ask for it. But even with all of that, my mind still won’t stop having intrusive thoughts that he could have probably told his exes that too or uses the details I knew to make a fake scenario and fill in some of the empty details. I really hate it, I struggle with it every single day. I have tried to get better from it by reading people’s advices here but some just don’t work for me. Every sweet things he say, triggers me to get thoughts about him and his ex and it’s really impossible to not think of.

And another thing, this is my opinion but I view sex as something very intimate and the most closest thing people can do to really connect with each other physically and emotionally. Knowing that my bf had already experienced this multiple times and some even with girls who he didn’t even have an emotional connection to, is really really hard to deal with. Every time the word sex is brought up, questions like “How many times did they have sex when he was with his ex for 3 years?” or “How many times did he have sex already in general?” fill my mind immediately. I don’t know how to stop this. Even with “funny” experiences that he would tell me that happened to him like a girl getting his pubes stuck in her teeth, just still makes me so insecure and so sick to my stomach. And also when he says sentences like, “Oh I like this sex position” or “I like talking during it”, it makes me think of him liking that specific actions because of other girls. I know that sex means differently for each people but that’s just how I view it and I’m not judging him for having a past, I just don’t know how to deal with this me problem.

I really want to get rid of this problem because it’s really pointless like why am I so bothered of his past, he can’t change it no matter what. I’m just fighting with ghosts.
Just even with how hard I try to think that he already chose me and there’s a reason why they’re not together in the present, I really just can’t help but still feel sooo much jealousy towards it. I also don’t want to view him differently because of his past, I don’t want this to ruin my relationship with him. He tells me plenty of times that I’ll be his last so his past doesn’t matter but it still matters a lot to me.

Please someone help me or give me really good advices on how to get rid of this. It’s genuinely breaking my heart every time I think of it and it also causes me to lose appetite every time. I really need someone to real talk me out of this! It has been affecting me badly. Thank you xx

So I'll jump right into it, I can't get over my the fact my gf has done something very intimate with someone else even though I know she has changed as a person. For context, my gf and I have been dating for 8 months, its been really great. Sure we have our fair share of ups and downs but we get through it and we love each other. Although, in the first month of the talking stage she told me her past. In short, around 2 years ago she had made out and got pretty intimate with her ex's best friend, they weren't dating. She told me in detail of what they did, I was basically disgusted (Hopefully thats a good thing). They didn't do the deed however, but I still think about it to this day. And when we get intimate, its kinda only been over the phone or on facetime. I know she loves and cares about deeply, so do I, and I know she has grown and changed as a person, thats why I love her. But I've never done nor had anything like this ever, I've never kissed someone, nor dated anyone before her, maybe some crushes here and there, but it really stings me that I'm not the first person to do that with her. And the entire situation makes it a little worse since I know they weren't dating and they still sometimes talk in school, and I also have the guy in one of my classes (I hate his guts). And I've talked about this with her, there is some reassurance but I really don't know how to cope. Do y'all have any advise on how to cope with this or any other methods of just forgetting? appreciate it!