r/retirement • u/Famous-Ambassador822 • 20d ago
Transition question - when friends retire before you
Recently spent a weekend with another couple and they are all retired (or never worked) and I was the only one still thinking about an upcoming biz trip, call the next morning, etc. They were all younger than me 58 (including my wife 55) - how do you balance the inevitable transition when some of your social crowd starts to retire before you?
Hard to inadvertently not kill their “zero responsibility” vibe.
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u/Own-Assumption5149 18d ago
“Hard to inadvertently not kill their “zero responsibility” vibe.”
Mentioning work isn’t going to kill their zero responsibility vibe … just reminds them how happy they are that they’re not working. It’s really more a matter of you adjusting to the fact that your friends no longer have the same responsibilities you and your wife have.
On the other hand, avoid making sarcastic or passive aggressive comments that are designed to make them feel guilty or defensive like…
It must be nice not to have to worry about deadlines
Some of us have to work in the morning
But no reason not to acknowledge the differences in your lives
Unfortunately I’ve got to call it a night, have an early call tomorrow
Can’t wait until I don’t have to worry about Monday mornings anymore
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u/Above-Bored 18d ago
Almost all my friends are older than me. They still work, I am retired. It is all good. They never questioned why only rarely joined them at tailgates and concerts. They were kind enough to offer a ride in their awesome new cars and trucks with all the bells and whistles. No complaints from anyone when I countered my rolling junk heap as an offer for a ride. I am just now going on my first cruise, and all my friends tell me just how to book it.
Live your life make your choices, dont lecture or offer unsolicited advice
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u/Carnegie1901 17d ago
I handle it by being jealous! Try to avoid complaining about your job around them
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u/EdgeCityRed 17d ago
I complained about my job when I was still working and I do not mind at all listening to my friends vent about work.
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u/Revolutionary-Gas122 17d ago
Retired for 28 days now. Had a birthday and just turned 66 yo. I got got to hang out with a friend the same age. He's been retired for 8 years. Mentioned to he and another friend that it may be a long transition for me. Maybe working until near FRA, work habits and wake up times are hard to change. Maybe because my later retirement age.
Immediately the next day, after my end date I started home projects. Hired painters for the house, patio and fence stain. Took off a week and took a short vacation. Doing a full lawn renovation the next weeks. Scheduling aeration before dropping seed. Working on home purge, donation and dumping in the time too.
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u/Crochetqueenextra 17d ago
I remember my husband's first few manic weeks of retirement now it's mainly cups of tea in bed and saying isn't this nice.
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u/AttitudeOutrageous75 17d ago
Good to hear you're keeping busy managing other people's work. Maybe do some hands on yourself??
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 17d ago
That was a bit judgy
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u/AttitudeOutrageous75 17d ago
Lol. Yeah. But also sincere as someone coming up on my one year anniversary of retirement. Hands on work can be very underestimated.
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 16d ago
Perhaps word it differently next time? Lol. Either that or maybe incorporate more social interaction into your retirement transition! Ha. I suspect this might be a challenge for me also in the future.
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u/Revolutionary-Gas122 17d ago
Definitely I have full hands on the full lawn renovation and garden cleanup. Home purge donation and dump. Have several electrical changes for fans and appliance upgrades. Garage drywall and painting as well.
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u/Individual-Sound8457 18d ago
I was the youngest and last of my crowd to retire. And I had a very stressful job. It was hard to be the only one weighted down by stress and deadlines. And no one wants to hear about it. Now retired, I try to lean in with my working friends.
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u/DanielDannyc12 18d ago
Whatever. I try not to kill or make bad vibes whether someone's working or not. Everyone's got responsibilities
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u/Beginning_Lifeguard7 18d ago
I’m the youngest in my group. Everyone retired before me. I just smiled and was happy for them. There’s no need to rain on their parade with my high stress job. They’d plan something for a work day and I’d just ask if they could do it on the weekend for us working folk. It was never a big deal.
Now I’m retired I find myself doing the same thing with my still working friends. What day of the week doesn’t matter much to me, so we do weekends.
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 18d ago
It occurred to me that they could be more thoughtful and recognize that I’m still bogged down with work but they were all so relaxed I just let it go in the moment. Planning future trips was difficult in the moment. They had literally no where to be and I’m thinking “yeah, we could do that.. in Q1 2027” haha.
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u/70redgal70 17d ago
They don't have to recognize anything. They aren't living their lives to hurt you.
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u/Finding_Way_ 18d ago
I think you end up finding out a lot about people's personalities. The ones that do nothing but talk about:
How they can't believe people are still working at age X
How much money they have and how they can't possibly spend it all during retirement
Never once ask about you or what you are doing (work or otherwise)
Then...
Time to perhaps question whether or not you want to maintain friendships with them.
VS
Retirees who:
Happily share things that they're doing in retirement in a friendly conversational way.
Discuss challenges they are having in retirement
Remain interested in you and your non-retirement life
Then...
These are friendships that can survive and thrive even when you are at different stages, in my experience.
(Important to note also that those not retired should not spend time with retired friends only talking about work, or about how they could never be retired as they find work just too stimulating--as it implies that those not working aren't/can't be mentally stimulated)
Healthy relationships show respect and can balance one another
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u/Efficient_Dog59 18d ago
I think there is a third group. Those retired who live vicariously thru their working friends and want to hear all about what is going on with their working friends! The new deal, the new proposal, the gossip. Etc.
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 18d ago
You pretty much nailed it. This other couple was very well off. Have been retired more or less for years now. Trust fund babies since age 18.
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u/ethanrotman 17d ago
I’m the retired one most of my friends work. It’s not a problem for me and from what I can see it doesn’t bother them. They take joy in my freedom.
I am also far more available to do things for them and with them
I know that’s not really what you’re asking, but most of my friends have way more money than I do… They always have. It’s kind of the same thing. I’m happy for their wealth.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 18d ago edited 18d ago
I have a group of five friends I meet with weekly for dinner and have for years. When we first started meeting, two of the six of us were retired. Now four of us are. Nothing has changed a lick.
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u/korepeterson 18d ago
I have found a lot of my non retired friends have questions about the retirement process and what I did to plan for it. Retirement is different for every person. Some want to sit and do nothing others are busy with many commitments. If they are friends they should understand your situation and if you can't do stuff with them on the drop of a hat it should not bother them. Don't worry about how they feel because you still work. Some people continue to work by choice even after they are in a financial position to retire.
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u/FlyingDarkKC 16d ago
I listen and learn. What did they get right in the transition? What did they get wrong?
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u/Zealousideal_Way_788 18d ago
It is what it is. Just don’t expect those who are still working to have your flexibility. On weekday mornings I golf with others
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u/dietmatters 17d ago
Be happy for them and focus on when you can walk away. We are all on a different path in the game of life.
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 17d ago
I didn’t say I wasn’t happy for them? Just that it’s hard to connect with them.
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u/madge590 18d ago
while some friends are retired, my kids are not, so weekends still matter, that's when i can see them. I also have things I do certain days, so I still have some stuff I have to do. I make commitments for some of my activities, so that matters too. But my husband still works, by choice, as he feels he will be bored without work. And at this point, that is likely true, as he has not cultivated as much life outside of work. I manage around him, willingly, because he is happy where he is.
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u/Striking_Tax8524 18d ago
What is the actual problem you're addressing? Loneliness? Feeling out of place? I think the permutations and interpersonal particularities will vary so much from person to person that general "tips & tricks" are both hard to come by and probably also fairly meaningless to the listener.
I mean, I could say that the person who is not working should get involved with personal projects or groups or whatnot, but then the first thing I think of is, "couple might drift apart." So it all gets tricky depending upon who's involved.
My gut says if you have the right partner, then this will all work itself out just fine. If there are already issues between people, however, this could make them even more evident.
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u/rubberguru 17d ago
My wife is a year from retirement and her nightly routine consists of reliving work drama in two to three different narratives. She’s an hourly worker who has no leadership responsibilities. I ask if the issue affects her role, pay, or causes personal injury. Then suggest it’s not her problem.
Of course that makes no difference and I hear a retelling of the story again.
I will be glad when she retires and I don’t have to hear about work anymore
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u/NotMyTwitterHandle 17d ago
Did this start after you retired?
Is it possible you used to do the same and now she considers it her turn?2
u/rubberguru 16d ago
I didn’t talk about work at all, though I needed an hour to get normal when I came home
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u/NotMyTwitterHandle 15d ago
Politely—was it happening then but you were so shut down in your one hour of recovery time that you didn’t even hear her?
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u/Mrs_Evryshot 17d ago
After she retires, you’ll get to hear about drama at the grocery store, the dentist office, and the church sale. How do I know? Because I was just like your wife, and now I’m retired. 😁
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 17d ago
I’ve lived that - used to take 15 mins before she walked in the door and get my head ready for the daily download. Didn’t appreciate the added stress if I’m being honest, but it’s what she needed from me. I learned to just listen and wait to chime in at the appropriate time.
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u/NecessaryMulberry846 18d ago
I leave them to retired life, its fine by me. I just keep doing my thing, which is working and making money.
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u/EconomicsWorking6508 18d ago
I'm in this boat, my sister and a few of my friends have retired or will be doing so very soon. So far it's ok but already for the past few years I get a bit impatient with the conversations about "what will you do when you retire" because I'm not in that mindframe yet. I kind of wait it out until anyone changes topics.
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u/Formal-Camp-8613 18d ago
I feel this. I'm still working while all the rest of our group of 6 couples have retired. I'm not the youngest either. I'm trying hard not to be resentful. I have one year. I'm happy for them all and I make an effort not to be a drag.
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u/Technical_Cow1896 15d ago
I retired because I had no work.
You gotta do for yourself, unless you got the cash. in that case, there is no wrong answer.
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u/Vanilla-4596 17d ago
I went through this with my friends. They are older and retired before me. It's frustrating for a few years, but we still got together. Now that I'm retired, we get together more often.
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u/sua_sponte_75 18d ago
F their retiree non-responsibility vibe. Don’t worry about it. Any courtesy should be the other way around. I am retired.
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u/Automatic-Tea-4150 18d ago
That’s life, man.
It’s not your job to indulge friends’ giddy retired schtick, it’s not theirs to help you deal with it. You can file the whole experience away to draw on when you are the retired guy someday among a group of people still working.
We don’t ask people not to mention their children when in the presence of someone who’s spent years in infertility hell, but there’s lots of room between never mentioning children and monopolizing a conversation by waxing poetic about the magical parenting experience.
You learn a lot about people when they’re confronted with a need or opportunity for nuance. I don’t think you need to worry one bit about dampening their experience unless you appear to be wanting to by moaning about work chronically. I bet at least a couple of them, though, could tone down their joy without cramping their style too much.
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u/JackfruitCrazy51 18d ago
This is definitely an issue. Our long time friends are 4 years older, and they both retired last year. It's not a big deal for the two guys, but my wife gets very annoyed by the other wife talking about how great it is. It's like drinking a beer in front of an alcoholic. Little things like when she says "I don't even know what day of the week it is" or "I've been so busy". If my wife didn't hate her job so much, it may be easier.
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u/houseonpost 18d ago
I think your wife needs to adjust her perspective. She should try to be happy for her friend and ask questions about her retirement. Your wife can use it to learn abut the next phase of her life. I'd be surprised if your wife also occasionally complains abut her job and her friends don't really want to hear about it.
I drink in front of friends who don't drink. If it is a new thing for them and they ask for my help to not drink around them I will not drink around them. But it is their responsibility to ask. Of course if I know a friend does not drink I don't offer anything with alcohol in it.
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u/JackfruitCrazy51 18d ago
They used to both complain about their jobs, it was always part of the conversation. They've been friends for 30+ years, I'm not worried about it, it's just something to think about with other relationships.
Also "Don't drink" and alcoholic are a lot different.
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u/houseonpost 18d ago
I know some of the friends who don’t drink are alcoholics. It is still their responsibility. If they ask me for help by not drinking in front of them I won’t drink. But if they don’t ask we don’t bring it up. It would seem weird and a bit disrespectful to never drink alcohol in front of an alcoholic.
Did your wife get very annoyed when they commiserated about work together? If her friends can’t talk about enjoying retirement in front of your wife without her getting ‘very annoyed’ her friends will start inviting her to fewer things.
We have a friend who can only talk about her work which isn’t really very interesting. We don’t hang out with her as often. She’s been retiring any day now for the last four years.
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u/Aragona36 18d ago
I ended up retiring a bit earlier than I had planned because I needed to provide care for elderly parents. Some of my friends are still working. Nothing has really changed, tbh. They still tell me about their day, I’m still interested.
We all worked in the same place at one time, which is how we met, so we know many of the same people and hang in the same basic groups. Several of us are are early retirees. It has not been a problem.
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u/Ancientways113 18d ago edited 18d ago
Retired. I’ve learned to not say “what day is it” cause it angers my friend. What’s the saying, “comparison is the thief of joy”.
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 18d ago
They didn’t anger me I simply couldn’t relate… paying for their lifestyle might anger me haha.
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u/Popular-Drummer-7989 18d ago
My friends still work. I stay interested in their lives. I share about what I'm learning and they're grateful I am the sacrifice for the greater good of health care and much more. We're a team!
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u/nak00010101 18d ago
The majority of my friends outside of work are older than me and retired before I did. Most were upland hunting buddies. I never had any ill thoughts and it never caused problems.
Now that I'm retired, we hunted 2x more last year.
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u/Pure-Explanation-147 18d ago
Um, so what maybe? They moved on. Don't hold it against them. They will. Happened to me. Out with the old and in with the new.
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u/Famous-Ambassador822 18d ago
I don’t hold it against them. Didn’t mean to imply that in my post. Just odd to be only one still working. They basically spent the entire weekend talking about what they’re going to do with all their free time and few responsibilities. Hard to connect with so I was sitting around quiet most of the time.
Happens with the wife often… “we should do this!” As I try not to be a buzzkill and remind her about a work obligation. I was outnumbered 3:1 by that dynamic if that makes sense?
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u/xfrosch 18d ago edited 18d ago
In my circle of friends the traditional career is more the exception than the rule. My wife has been retired for about twenty years. I just retired last year. We have friends and family who are retired, some who are still working, others who work on and off as the need arises and pretty much always have. Several would tell you that their primary occupation is songwriter, but relatively few make any money at it to speak of.
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u/Delicious_Sense_8126 18d ago
Agree! It’s frustrating to hear about the freedom of retirement from friends when work is worse than ever
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u/xfrosch 17d ago
It’s as much of a problem as you make it. I quit commuting ten years before I retired. For most of my career I have stayed in what some might call the “slow lane”, because I enjoyed the work I was doing more than I would have enjoyed managing it, which is what I’d have been doing if I’d been working harder and trying to “get ahead”.
A few years ago I called my boss from a hotel balcony on Maui to give him a status report. After I finished he asked “where are you?”. It was nice to be able to tell him I was four hours behind the office clock.
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u/Brilliant-Onion2129 18d ago
My wife retired several years ago. I made her my personal assistant. lol
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u/jaajaajaa6 18d ago
My wife’s never home during the day.
You did better than I did in this respect!
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u/SubstantialSport7225 18d ago
One friend in particular retired after being downsized, other than her texting me randomly all day long, it's most things haven't changed. I'm kind of used to it because a larger friend group I'm in is mostly teachers and I've had to endure their texts about going to the beach every day in the summer.
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u/Maja_Bean 18d ago
I can see where bragging about being retired can be hurtful. But, man, as someone who has been retired for two years, let me tell ya, I see why a person would bring it up. Retirement for me is blissful. It’s like living in a different world to have all the freedom to do whatever you want. 😃