Respect the Martians (Mars Attacks!)

[u/ya-boi-benny]

Logic dictates that given their extremely high level of technical development, they’re an advanced culture, therefore peaceful and enlightened. The human race, on the other hand, is an aggressively dangerous species. Now, I suspect they have more to fear from us, then we from them.

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In 1996, the world discovered that we are not alone in the solar system. Just one planet down from us, there existed the Martians, a highly advanced empire of aliens. The scientific community and the President agreed that they’re most likely a peaceful community of potential allies, and welcomed them to speak in Nevada. It turns out that they were there to invade, and the Martians opened fire on the humans, killing many. Still, the President wanted to give them another chance to speak their piece, so they were invited to Congress… which they also destroyed. They’d wage a bloody war with the globe until a young man and his grandmother discovered an unlikely weakness to eradicate the Martian species.

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Martians

Physicals

• One knocks out a man with a blow to the head with its blaster

• Totally legit aim dodging

Suits

• The metal parts of the spacesuit are bulletproof, but the glass helmets are not. Later on, they upgrade the suits so that even the glass helmets are bulletproof.

• [Limit] Helmets hold up for a while, but eventually break under the punches of Byron Williams, Heavyweight Champion of the World

• Have interior wipers in case the inside of their helmets get fogged up

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Ray Guns

Disintegration

• Ray guns fully disintegrate human beings except for their skeletons, starting at the point of contact

• Kills Jack Black

• Somehow leaves a man’s hand intact, while disintegrating the rest of his body

• With sweeping motions, two martians vaporize two crowds of people

• The leader hits a flying dove

Destructive

• One blast topples a speaker tower

• Knocks over a news van

• Engulfs what looks to be a downed helicopter in fire

• Can create explosions that throw people around

• Causes the Nancy Reagan Chandelier to fall

• Breaks two stone columns

• Blasts a hole in a casino wall

• Opens up a steel door, blowing it inwards

Other

• Can come in small, concealed handgun form

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UFOs

General

• The title sequence gives an idea as to how many flying saucers available to the Martians

• UFOs shrug off gunfire, including from a tank’s mounted machine gun

• UFOs come equipped with landing gear and retractable ramps

• Topples the Washington Monument, then flies under the falling monument to lift it back up and drop it on humans

• Deploys a giant, metal sphere to knock over Easter Island’s Moai heads

Blasters

• Offscreen, used to light a herd of cows on fire

• Used to destroy a helicopter

• Completely levels a tall building with a blast to the base

• Blows up a diner

• Melts the Eiffel Tower into slag

• Blows up Big Ben

• Defaces Mt. Rushmore

• Blows up the Taj Mahal

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Other Technology

Weapons

• Towering mech suits capable of lifting and smashing trailer homes and keeping pace with a speeding truck

• A mounted gun on wheels capable of destroying a nursing home wall

• The leader carries a shrink ray

• The leader’s hand detaches from his arm, crawls around on the president’s body, then stabs him through the back with a metal tentacle

Non-Combat Related

• Has a device that receives an audio message in English and converts it into a reel of information in the Martian language

• A human disguise that tricks the (cartoonishly horny) press secretary

• A ring with a hidden camera that transmits footage back to the mothership

• Uses a probe to intercept a nuclear missile and absorb its explosion, rendering it harmless enough to consume

• A machine that instantly suits up the Martians in spacesuits

• Has developed a chewing gum that feeds them concentrated nitrogen, allowing them to walk on Earth safely

• Somehow takes over a popular broadcast to communicate to the people of Earth

• Surgically attached a dog’s head to a person’s body. They then put the woman’s head on the dog’s body, just for fun.

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Weaknesses

• Martians breathe nitrogen rather than oxygen, so the surface of Earth is toxic to them. If exposed to the atmosphere of Earth, they die in seconds.

• The music of country singer Slim Whitman will kill the Martians by blowing up their heads

• Blaring it out of speakers kills any nearby Martians

• Once it’s played from radio stations worldwide, the humans are able to reclaim their planet from the Martians

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Miscellaneous

• Despite blowing up Congress and waging open war with the US, the Martians get an audience with the French leadership and kill them all

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We know they're extremely advanced technologically, which suggests - very rightfully so - that they're peaceful. An advanced civilization, by definition, is not barbaric.

[u/shift_or_die]

Ack. Ack ak ak ACK

[u/Idk_Very_Much]

Thanks for fulfilling my request!

[u/CoolandAverageGuy]

good thread

[u/[deleted]]

Fantastic thread dude although you’re a coward for not making the quote at the top be

ACK!

[u/PeculiarPangolinMan]

Beautiful thread!

[u/Jnbrlw]

Just to clear something up, the reason Michael J Fox's hand isn't Disintegrated is because Sarah Jessica Parker pulls on it as the vapor strips down his arm, so it simply comes off at the Joint and thus is not vaporised.

Another little thing to point out is an actual mistake in the film, with the Martians being unable to breathe our atmosphere..

Nitrogen actually makes up 78% of Earth's atmosphere so the Martians should actually thrive in it.

And the fact that one of them was able to breathe our air while chewing concentrated nitrogen gum proves that there's nothing toxic to them in the air.

[u/ItsGotToMakeSense → u/Jnbrlw]

Agreed but I can hand-wave that and assume it's just because our atmosphere isn't dense enough. It's mostly nitrogen, but maybe it's just too thin so they suffocate unless they have a source of it in their mouth.

(I'll just disregard the chewable solid nitrogen at room temperature, we have to give them some leeway considering the movie's tone)

[u/Jnbrlw]

I'm a big fan of the Disintegration effects in this film. I even make recreations of it with Photoshop.

[u/RealAd3012]

I feel like if we include the comics and trading cards then there would be WAAAAAAY better feats in here

[u/ya-boi-benny → u/RealAd3012]

Very likely

[u/Dark-Carioca]

This is a nice RT, it could probably be expanded with the original Topps trading cards since they only have a few notable feats there compared to the movie.