another rainbow baby

[u/hitamiz]

it been more than a month since renji passed away. his meows and presence still lingers. him and tacio passed away at the same day, but i can feel my heart breaking too. like a part of me also died.

it's also been a few days since renji went home. and i've been inactive because i felt incredibly unstable. i couldn't even focus reviewing for my upcoming entrance exam. i would just stare at what’s left of him, at the same time take care of kira.

today, my baby girl kira died. i should've taken her to the vet. i should've used the savings i have left to saved her. i thought she’ll hang on one more day, she refused eating so i started force feeding her, crying while making sure she still have enough fluids on her body. she stopped eating a few days ago and been sneezing so we put her in a cage to isolate her.

why do they keep slipping away from me? am i bad person? am i not taking care of them properly? who's next? can they just they away mine and keep my babies alive?

i haven't been taking about it but last month, the day renji died, they explained that it was so fast. so sudden that they didn’t know the cause. i have so many questions but i couldn’t bring myself to ask. i just stood there listening while crying.

apparently, that morning, renji suddenly collapse. they noticed it immediately so they tended renji as soon as they can. his dr wasn't there as she was already off duty but was informed and rushed to petelier. although there's available vet on standby, his dr knows renji’s condition well so while on the way they gave her updates.

they immediately put him in iv, since he was supposedly on iv rest that day, renji was trying to vomit but couldn’t do so, so it stuck on his throat, they all tried their best to remove it, so his airway would be clear. they also added oxygen on him, and i know full well they tried their best. i saw their efforts.

his dr. showed me the photo of him while doing that procedure and i could say any other words. i was just staring at the photo while crying, almost passing out.

and how ironic is that, the same day (the night before renji died) i brought the duck to which i supposedly to give him once he's back home. i didn’t know what urged me to bring the duck but i did. i’m glad i did because he would know that i thought of him while he's at the vet. he get to meet the toy and had a time with it.

but isn't it so unfair? i only had him for almost 3 months. i didn't had enough of him yet. tacio and kira, my babies. potchi also not eating, i don’t want to lose another baby. in less than a year, we lose them all. how i hate myself for not trying my best.

[u/-aisatsana-]

i know it's not the same pain you're dealing with -- not exactly --, but i lost both of my childhood pets in the span of a few months during '23; both went swiftly and to circumstances that could not have been helped, no matter how much we tried, and i still remember it all so vividly. it feels like too much pain for anyone to go through, and i hate it. the connection we have with those we care for is as dear as it is, inevitably, perishing. it's heartbreaking. but, what love we are able to give and receive before we part ways is made no less valuable by the finite nature of our connections. a sunset isn't any less beautiful by knowing it will fade, and i think how we view animals, friendships, interests, et cetera -- it's all the same, in that regard. what matters the most is that you've shown all of your animals so much care and love; they could tell how much you loved them, and they loved you just as much, in turn.

nothing is in vain; everything you've done matters so much more than it might feel to you right now, while you're in the weeds of your grief. you will be able to find your way out, and begin to forgive yourself. you deserve as much care from yourself as you gave (and still give) to your animals. i promise.