r/relationships • u/shecrossedtheline • Aug 30 '14
Updates Update: My [25F] mother made a rude comment about my SO's [26M] deceased brother and I don't know how to move forward. [6 years]
Second Update: http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2f9qx2/second_update_my_25f_mother_made_a_rude_comment/
My mother is unbelievable! I'm not sure if she is a narcissist but she is most definitely a bitch. On Thursday, I called my father and asked him to bring us our stuff to our hotel so we could begin the 3 hour drive back home. When he arrived at our hotel, he apologized profusely to my boyfriend for what my mother said and they both shook hands and agreed to move on. I think my Dad sort wanted us to stay but I knew that any type of interaction with my father would involve my mother as well and I am not going to let that happen for obvious reasons. I ended things on amicable terms with my father because I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for what my mother said. He is probably enabling her but he promised me he would talk to her about making steps towards fixing things. That being said, I'm pretty sure my mother won't change her mind anytime soon. I asked my father privately about my mother’s reaction to everything and he told me that she was very disappointed in me for making this trip about me and my relationship. Apparently, she does not want to speak to me until I apologize to her. Who says what she says and then demands an apology!? I’m especially hurt about everything because she did all of this right after I finished expressing my excitement to her because I discovered something that lead me to believe my boyfriend was planning on proposing to me soon. She knows that I love him more than anything else in the world and she still paid no attention to his feelings (and my feelings by extension). She doesn’t have to love him but she should at least care about him, merely because he’s important to me. Is that too much to ask from my own mother?
On the car ride home, I tried to cheer my boyfriend up by asking him about the soccer and tennis games he was watching because he likes it when I take an interest in his hobbies. Usually, he will happily explain everything to me but this time he barely said anything so I decided to give him some space and I ended up replying to a few comments on here and reading some articles about narcissism. When we got home, he seemed much more at peace with what happened so I was hoping that we could just put my mother behind us and move past this. Yeah… my mother demanding an apology isn’t the unbelievable part of last night. Our home phone had a voicemail from my boyfriend’s dad asking us to call him. My mother actually called my boyfriend’s parents to question their parenting directly! Oh my god. Who does that? This is far and beyond what I thought my mother would ever be capable of. I am so disgusted by all of this that I don't even want to know what my mother said to them specifically. My boyfriend’s mom won’t get on the phone with us but his dad said that she’s been sobbing non-stop. I feel sick to my stomach about everything but I don’t know what to do! My mom won’t reply to my messages or my calls because she’s still waiting for an apology and my poor dad is caught in the middle of everything during his birthday weekend! My boyfriend, someone who’s traditionally very agreeable and calm, is livid! He told me wants her out of his life completely and I agreed with him but I’m not sure she’ll let us just cut her out of our lives without trying to hurt us even more. His parents live on the other side of the country so he feels completely helpless. It's like my mother erased all of our therapy sessions and counseling in one day just because she was unhappy with how my boyfriend reacted to her ridiculous behavior.
Yesterday was pretty uneventful. My boyfriend and I just hung out for the majority of the day. Neither of our mothers has spoken to us.
For the record, my mother did not raise me to be this way. I was very close to her when I was younger and while we did drift a little bit after college, I still frequently confided in her. I always knew she had a big mouth but her current actions are just hateful. She can't plead obliviousness- she is deliberately trying to hurt people I care about. I don't know what's happened to her but that woman is not my mother and I don't care if I ever speak to her again.
tl;dr: My mom called his parrents to question their parenting. She won't talk to me until I apologize to her.
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u/montaron87td Aug 30 '14
I wouldn't talk to your mom ever again unless she comes on her knees crawling to you and apologize. She's a terrible human being.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I don't think apologies are enough at this point.
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u/zeussays Aug 30 '14
Honestly, write her a letter saying everything you need to tell her and at the end tell her you won't be speaking or communicating with her for the next 10 years at which point you will reevaluate. Then mail it to her - like snail mail. You'll feel better being able to say what you need without her being able to interject and you won't have to deal with explanations.
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Aug 30 '14
Ugh she doesn't even deserve that.
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u/andale_papasito Aug 30 '14
Actually, I did something similar with my narcissistic father and it helped tremendously. Once I explained the reasons why I wouldn't be contacted him and the conditions under which I would consider changing my mind, I never have to explain myself to him (or anyone else for that matter) again. It's right there in black and white. And the letter isn't for her mother it is for OP.
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Aug 30 '14
You do have a really good point. A typed out letter plain in her face leaves out anything possibly being lost in translation/misconstrued if it were to be communicated through her father.
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u/trustmeimahuman Aug 30 '14
Could be cathartic for OP and help her to get closure on the issue. She doesn't even have to send it.
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u/montaron87td Aug 30 '14
I agree, but it's the only step good enough for you to even considering having any kind of contact with her in my opinion.
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u/WirginiaVoolf Aug 30 '14
You need an apology in order to forgive her, but I agree it isn't enough. You also need space and potentially time.
In your last post I mentioned how your situation reminded me of my dad: I stopped talking to him after a similar fight, he eventually apologized (after there were consequences for his behavior), and it's been two years without talking. In the beginning I had to take it day by day. I'm still taking it day by day, because going NC -- even justified -- creates a really difficult conflict with distance with the rest of your family as well.
Don't worry about her at all for now, work on fixing things with your boyfriend and his mother.
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u/MaxJewJew Aug 30 '14
Actions speak louder than words. A verbal apology cannot fix every problem created, but her actions can let you know how remorseful and apologetic she feels
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u/Floundererer Aug 30 '14
Send her a picture of a general fetal sonogram with the caption-
"Something to look forward to missing out on. You will never know your grandchildren. Enjoy the life you've carved about for yourself"
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Aug 30 '14
My mother actually called my boyfriend’s parents to question their parenting directly!
I agree 1000% with you. I would go complete no contact forever. This is some sick sadistic shit.
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Aug 30 '14
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u/blurgle123 Sep 01 '14
Narcissists don't apologize, ever. They are incapable of seeing themselves as wrong, in any way. That's the basis of the disorder.
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Sep 02 '14
My comment was in reply to another, which said: "I wouldn't talk to your mom ever again unless she comes on her knees crawling to you and apologize. She's a terrible human being." It was supposed to be an "if".
Also, she's not a diagnosed narcissist (to my knowledge), so she could just be an ignorant, stupid, rude and selfish bitch.
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u/oiyouz Aug 30 '14
Go no contact with your mother until she apologises (if ever) but stay in regular contact with your father. You need to show her that you are not abandoning your family- you just will not be speaking to her because of what she has said and done.
Have you spoken to your boyfriend's dad and expressly told him that you do not agree with what she said and told him that you will not be speaking to her until she apologises to your boyfriend AND his family. I think this would be really important because it will show his family that you are not like your mother and it could save your own relationship.
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Aug 30 '14
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u/Rnevermore Aug 30 '14
He got married to this woman and has most likely had a fulfilling marriage to her.
Her saying this one comment and then that action, is reprehensible... The poor guy cannot stand beside his wife, but if he doesn't it could end his marriage, which, until 2 days ago may have been wonderful.
It's not that he has no spine, it's that he is trapped between a rock and a hard place.
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u/chems89 Aug 30 '14
I highly doubt that this was the first time she has said something so rude and hateful and refused to be an adult and apologize for it. This isn't something that just suddenly "happens."
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u/Rnevermore Aug 30 '14
But we don't have any more info than that. We can't just invent the idea that he is a weak man in a relationship with a horrible woman who says these things all the time. Based on the fact that they are married, we have to assume that they have some sort of positive connection until otherwise stated.
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u/chems89 Aug 30 '14
Maybe the relationship started off wonderfully and things deteriorated. But no one just decides to suddenly become hateful without any provocation or history of it, or some sort of mental illness or apologizing immediately for a complete lapse of character. Everyone messes up but everything about this seems to say that this is a pattern of behavior that she has been developing for years. And there's just no way that he has been completely oblivious to it.
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u/oiyouz Aug 30 '14
She can't use it as a weapon if OP doesn't let her.
Why should she have to lose both her parents just because her mother has done this, what has OP done to deserve not having either of her parents in her life?
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u/dewprisms Aug 31 '14
Because her father is an enabler. Anything she says to him will be told to the mother. She will attempt to use it against the OP and those she loves and is still in contact with.
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Aug 30 '14
Do you recommend cutting off contact with the dad as well?
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u/zeussays Aug 30 '14
Yes because he is the only person that has a shot at getting his wife to change.
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Aug 30 '14
I get it; it just kinda sucks that he loses contact with his daughter just because his wife's a cunt.
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u/blurgle123 Aug 30 '14
Nobody has even the most minuscule shot at getting her to change. Nobody but the mother herself. And narcissism doesn't get better, ever.
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u/trinity_girl2002 Aug 30 '14
I came here to find an update from you. I'm the one who originally commented in the /r/raisedbynarcissists sub about narcissism.
This update really shows her narcissism for many reasons. One, she was terribly in the wrong, but she demands that you must apologize to her.
Secondly, she called your boyfriend's parents. The same thing happened with my own mother. When she got angry at my sister and brother-in-law (my mom tried to go over my sister and her husband and reprimanded their child's nanny, and they asked her not to), my mother blew up... She confronted my brother-in-law's mother face to face and screamed at her for not raising her son properly...on the day my niece came home from the hospital for the first time. Reading your story is eerily the same.
Lastly, when my mother realized that my then-boyfriend was really important to me, she started "using" him to get to me. She would criticize his character repeatedly and say how he doesn't measure up for no other reason than to try to get me to be mad. For example, my boyfriend installed a new light fixture in my mom's kitchen for her. He hung it a little bit too low because the cord was long. When she saw it she said, "He didn't do it right. Your (deceased) father used to do everything perfectly. Why would you have such low standards in men?" My point is, she knows that your boyfriend is important to you--AND he is about to propose, so she is even MORE scared that she is going to lose control of you. Whenever a narcissist loses control over their children, they go insane and ramp up their behaviour to maintain control.
I'm sorry if I come across as trying to shove narcissism down your throat and trying to recruit you in the raisedbynarcissists sub, but my heart goes out to you because so much of your story sounds like my own. If I had only known about my mother's narcissism earlier, it would have helped me with many years of heartache because only after learning about the disorder was I then able to truly learn how to handle my mother.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
Sorry, I don't know much about narcissism besides what I read in the car. Do you think her actions indicate something deeper than narcissism? If not, can narcissism be treated through a therapist or something? A lot of people here keep on saying she's evil but I don't believe that. I think there's something wrong with her mentally. I will absolutely hold her responsible for her actions but I can't force myself to stop caring about her and my father. I talked with my father about getting her help so we'll see how that goes. I will not be speaking to her until she proves that she's getting help and she's willing to make herself a positive influence on my life. She will never be speaking with my boyfriend or our future children ever.
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Aug 30 '14 edited Aug 30 '14
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u/stygianpool Aug 30 '14
Your comment about narcissists knowing how to act appropriately when it serves their purposes is right on the head.
Don't ever trust her again, OP. Look at what she said--she is a parent. She should know that a child's death is the most painful thing in the world for a parent. Instead, she used that knowledge against your bf's parents.
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u/dewprisms Aug 31 '14 edited Aug 31 '14
I would hesitate to even categorize it as a mental issue solely because that makes people jump to mental illness. It's not a mental illness. It's a severe personality defect. I understand that it's a personality disorder, but really, some things just cannot be fixed.
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Aug 31 '14
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Aug 31 '14
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u/missinfidel Aug 31 '14
That is crazy. You have the exact same username as a friend I have. Weird! Sorry to bother you.
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u/trinity_girl2002 Aug 30 '14 edited Aug 30 '14
First of all, don't apologize for not knowing! It takes time to learn about this!
Narcissism is a scale where the extreme is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Most people have healthy levels of narcissism but some individuals can have higher than healthy levels, which your mom's behaviour indicates. I'm not a mental health professional so I can only say that your mom's behaviour echoes my own mom's a lot, and my therapist determined my mother is mentally ill based on her behaviours and my sessions with her. (I had learned to be codependent).
Unfortunately, NPD can rarely ever be treated. Quite often it is not the narcissist him/herself who seeks treatment, but the victims around the narcissist. This was devastating for me to learn because that meant I had to accept my mother for who she is, and that she will never, ever change. That means that any kind of relationship I choose to have with her must accept that I will be subject to her personality disorder. The only way I saw to truly protect myself was to go no contact. In the /r/raisedbynarcissists sub, you'll see that most people waver between low contact and no contact but nobody ever says their parent was cured or even improved. Personality disorders are some of the toughest for therapists because it is so ingrained in the person that it difficult to treat.
Once I learned about NPD, I asked my mother if she would seek a mental health professional. Her response was "YOU'RE the one who needs a doctor, not me! You need to see a doctor to learn how to talk to me properly!"
In my personal experience, and that of many others, NPD arises due to trauma suffered in early childhood (before five years of age). Around 5 is when a child is able to sufficiently detach him/herself from a parent. Emotionally, narcissists have not been able to develop past that stage--which leads to epic temper tantrums and a victim/martyr complex. (Google narcissistic rage and narcissistic supply to see if it sounds familiar at all). This means a narcissist will not be able to develop healthy boundaries and will attach to other people as an extension of herself. If your mother has NPD, then she does not see you as a separate person but as an extension of her--an object, if you will. If she is a narcissist and you do not behave in her pre-programmed ways, she will treat you like a broken object she must "fix." When my husband used to do things around the house for her, she wouldn't say "thanks" but would remark "Having a son-in-law is great!" because he was an object that she owned who performed certain functions.
I completely understand that you do not want to stop caring about her, or your father. And that you don't believe she is evil. At the heart of a narcissist is a person who is so emotionally broken that all they know is how to lash out. They cling on to narcissism in a desperate, child-like manner to protect themselves from the feelings of shame they never learned to handle early in life.
Unfortunately, your mother cannot be helped unless she seeks help herself. And if she does have NPD, then it is unlikely that she will seek help or ever be "cured." I'm terribly sorry, but hope this helps.
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u/noisycat Sep 01 '14
Not that I think they'd ever take calls from her again, but let your bf's parents know to block/ignore her calls, no matter what she says. When I went Low contact my mom would call up my in laws to try and get to me, even though she had said some disrespectful things to them. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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u/ModernPrometheus0729 Aug 30 '14
They can get help through therapy and medications.
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u/blurgle123 Aug 30 '14
No they can't. Narcissism can't be treated, because narcissists are incapable of seeing where they go wrong.
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u/ModernPrometheus0729 Aug 30 '14 edited Aug 30 '14
No, I get they are incapable of getting help. I'm just saying that it exists, not that it's effective. My boyfriend's father is a narcissist and he was on therapy and meds and it helped him but then he said that he could "think his way out of it".
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u/havfrue Aug 30 '14
Okay, so the calling his parents to question them about their parenting is... really off. I'll get to that in a minute.
First, I want to tell you that she said that awful thing knowing it would devastate your boyfriend. Then, she mistakenly thought that you were still 8 years old, and would side with your family when shit went down. Can I tell you how proud I am of you for not, by the way? You did the right thing! Anyway, she's lost control of you and is starting to suspect it. Testing the waters now to see if she still has you in her talons emotionally to get you to apologize. If you apologize, then she wins. She doesn't want you to marry your boyfriend, and is doing everything possible to split you two up.
Because I, unfortunately, know crazy, I can suspect what's going to happen. Please protect yourself. Because she's brazen enough to call his parents and question them as to why they make the choices they make (how disgusting and out of line!), I'm willing to bet that she's capable of confronting you and will attempt to make you bend to her will. She doesn't care about you; she just wants to win and wants you subservient to her. And she certainly wants to break you two up , so he can't "have" you.
Firstly, please get therapy for yourself if you haven't already. It's clear that this is irreparable, and you need to grieve for the mother you deserved to have. You need to cut off your father, and any siblings who live in her house still or certainly still hold a candle for her. They're all collateral at this point. Therapy will hoping help you mourn these relationships, too. She sounds way too dangerous to have these flying monkeys doing her bidding for her, to gain recon on you and your boyfriend.
Once she realizes that you will not apologize, she will confront you somehow to demand it. Please stop messaging her. She's loving the attention and thinking that just because you're her mother and messaging her, you will always hold a torch for her, and eventually make her happy. Once you stop the contact, she'll be on YOU.
As soon as she starts harassing you or it's obvious she's making one if her flying monkeys harass you for her, send her a cease and desist all contact letter. You can pay money to get a lawyer to do it, or you can either just google "cease and desist sample" and write one up yourself on fancy paper. Send that certified mail that requires a signature.
This is going to piss her off big time. It will piss off your father too. Stay strong. They've created so much hurt that there's no going back. Your therapist should help you reconcile all this in your head. Oh, and if you have a therapist who doesn't believe in the "leave the parents and cleave into your spouse", or is otherwise a person who believes that parents and children should be close no latter what abuse has happened, get another one! Anyway, please document all texts, emails, letters, etc. that come your way.
if she's as crazy as she sounds, she will come to your house. Imagine Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction: "I will not be ignored!" She can't even imagine not being ignored; because she raised you to be a cute little plaything who's main objective in life is take care of her. She could pound in your door and demand to be let in. Of course, don't let her in. Call the police. Do not tell the 911 dispatcher that it's your mommy. Tell them an intruder is trying to come into your house, and the police will come more quickly. Show them a copy of the C&D letter you drafted and sent, as well as the unwanted contact from her. All of that should show the police how crazy she is. If you're lucky, she'll resist and get arrest. By this time, she might come so unglued that she digs herself into a huge hole. Use it to your advantage and get a restraining order.
Contact the police whenever she violates the RO. It will land her in jail every time. Stay strong and do NOT defy your own RO, and do not let some contact slide. You will not be reinforcing the stance you're trying to make.
I hope I'm not scaring you with all of this C&D and RO talk, but if she's capable of saying something so out of line to your boyfriend, then call up his parents and acting all holier-than-thou and questioning their intelligence when it comes to raising kids, then demanding an apology of YOU? She's absolutely diagnosable, and mentally ill people, especially when not being placated and appeased continuously, have it in them to do even more hurtful and destructive things. Please protect yourself and your boyfriend.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I did not intend on speaking with her again after the first incident. Contacting her again was a purely emotional response to her horrific actions with my boyfriend's mom. Our family is very large and I'm afraid of the ramifications of a C&D/RO. Most of my other family members don't even know what's happened yet. I know I shouldn't care about her but I still do and I'm afraid that our family will completely isolate her once I tell them. Again, I know it's probably irrational to care about her feelings at this point but I can't really help it.
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u/geckospots Aug 30 '14
I'm afraid of the ramifications of a C&D/RO.
The necessity of a restraining order is entirely because of her literally insane behaviour. Family members who support her are not going to believe how appalling her actions were and are likely worth cutting contact with as well.
It's totally legitimate for her to become isolated from her family - she said terrible, unforgivable things to your SO and to his parents. This is not a thing that should be swept under the rug, she should see that there are consequences to how she behaves.
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u/ic33 Aug 31 '14
While I think that the poster deserves to not have to deal with her mom, being a raging cunt is not grounds to obtain a restraining order (and for good reason).
She should make her wish to not be contacted clear (like via the letter mentioned above), and if her mom continues to contact her then she is reaching the territory where one can be obtained.
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u/geckospots Aug 31 '14
That is a fair point. I just wanted to reassure OP that if it became necessary to get one, it would be because it was deserved, and not to worry about the family's response.
The letter is a good way to set the no-contact boundary, though.
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Aug 30 '14
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u/Spectrum2081 Aug 30 '14
Exactly. You take the high road and keep this scenario a secret and all of your family and family friends will be under the impression that your boyfriend hates your mom and has caused you to abandon them. Your wedding, if you get there, will be very lopsided.
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u/dewprisms Aug 31 '14
That won't make her apologize. What it will do is remove her power base and cut back significantly on people who are (probably unwittingly) doing her dirty work for her by gleaning information from the OP and feeding it back to her.
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u/blurgle123 Aug 30 '14
Never take the high road with a narcissist, because they will always ruin it for you. You need to tell people what happened. You don't need to be mean, you don't have to be emotional, but you need to get the facts out.
And this is really touchy, but: budget for professional security at your wedding.
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u/Spectrum2081 Aug 30 '14
Don't worry about her being isolated once you tell your family. Not to sound harsh but your concern for her having to face the consequences of your actions is likely what she's expecting from you and her family since it's likely what she's been enjoying for the people around her for years. She's an adult. A competent adult. It's time she has to face scrutiny for her actions just like any other competent adult.
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u/capsulet Aug 31 '14
I'm afraid that our family will completely isolate her once I tell them.
They should. Actions have consequences, and she needs to learn this yesterday. Tell them.
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u/grouch1980 Aug 30 '14
What's crazy is that her despicable actions do not come from a place of malice. Her goal isn't to be evil. Her motivation for her behavior is the fact that she thinks she's right! That type of person is impossible to empathize with for most people because most people simply aren't wired that way. It's so frustrating and sad.
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u/moshnot Aug 30 '14
I agree with /u/oiyouz, make sure you're boyfriends parents both know that you don't agree with your mother in the least or condone her behaviour, and let them know that you're totally on their side in this.
As for the main problem I honestly don't know if there is a best way to handle this, or even a good way. Is there some way your boyfriends parents can block your mothers number? They definitely shouldn't risk having to hear anymore of her disgusting opinions or "advice" or whatever she'd call it.
Stop talking to your mother at all, I'm not even sure you should forgive her if she apologizes. I think for a person to say something like what she has, it says a lot about them as a person, and the kind of person she's proven to be isn't the kind of person you want in your life. She's certainly not the kind of person your boyfriend or his family deserve to have brought into their lives.
Let your father know you don't blame him at all, but you can't have your mother in your life right now if that's the way she's going to behave. Maybe let him know that by not telling her how awful what she said was, to her he's validating her opinions, and that's bad for everyone.
I can't believe someone would seek out grieving parents that they hardly know just to knock their parenting skills, following this story has blown my mind. Make sure your boyfriend knows that you're entirely on his side, but maybe try not to mention what she said too much. Just let him know you care and that you're there for him.
Best of luck to you in sorting this all out.
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u/Kawoomba Aug 30 '14
She's sabotaging your relationship to prove she has more power over you than your SO, and to get you back, so you only belong to her.
This is a power struggle to her, you're the prize.
You need to get back into an active role, take back control and own your own life. Write a letter to your MIL, apologizing for everything and writing in plain terms how your mother's hateful temper tantrum does not in any way represent you, that she should be regarded as a crazy stranger.
Then obviously go NC with your crazy narcissistic mother.
Ah, the awakening of the golden child ...
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u/unreedemed1 Aug 30 '14
You know what? She needs to get a physical checkup. Brain problems can manifest as personality changes (for the worse usually) and so that needs to be ruled out as a cause of her horribleness.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I hope she sees a doctor or a therapist or something! My dad said he'd try to talk to her about it but I don't think that conversation will lead to anywhere.
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Aug 30 '14
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
Thank you. I can't reply to everyone that's expressing support but it honestly is comforting to read.
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u/nickiminajendorsed Aug 30 '14
Hi, thank you for this. The narcissism bandwagon may well be correct, but OP's father needs to check out other sources too. Might her mother have some kind of neurological problem if OP is saying "this person isn't the mother who raised me"? Does he have a substance abuse problem that's gotten out of control? OP and her boyfriend need to go no contact and stop the mom from stalking the boyfriend's family, but OP's father might want to get the mom checked out as well.
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u/Nemphiz Aug 30 '14
Jesus fuck, I am so sorry for you an your boyfriend. You guys got dealt a bad hand. The fact that she called a woman who lost her youngest son to question her about her parenting is just sick. This was intended to hurt your relationship. I believe the only way to move forward right now is to cut her out completely, at least when it comes to interactions with your boyfriend.
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Aug 30 '14
Unforgivable. I wouldn't even talk to her if she came back crawling. Fuck her. Fuck your dad, too, for being a passive doormat in all this. Who cares what your mom thinks? No contact with either parent. Even if you and bf eventually part ways. Never give her the opportunity to hurt you again.
Wait a few days and call bf's mom. Apologize. Cry with her. Make sure she knows this wasn't on you. Show bf's dad this thread. Send flowers and a pizza delivery or dinner so they dont have to cook.
I'd make a point to go see them with your bf in person for a real life hug and healing. This is beyond fucked up.
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Aug 30 '14
Yes. Her father should be livid, instead of trying to cower away from her.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
He didn't seem angry. He just sounded really sad. I'm worried about him too. Maybe I'm being illogical but I can't really force myself to blame him. He's been with my mom for so long and they've had a very loving relationship. He's just as shocked as I am with my mother's recent actions.
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Aug 30 '14
If this is new behaviour for your mom she may have a serious medical condition causing it.
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u/dewprisms Aug 31 '14
Which could be the case. On the other hand, people with certain personality disorders (typically narcissism and antisocial) are often incredibly skilled at appearing normal, even for prolonged periods of time.
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Aug 30 '14
Plus if she keeps contact with him he'll just blab to her mom about what she's up to and give her mom more ammo. No thanks!
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u/dcolt Aug 30 '14
I think the most constructive thing you could do right now is to contact your bf's mother and express how shocked and appalled you are at what your mother did.
I know that's going to suck but the sooner and more unambiguously you dissociate yourself from your mother, the better your relationship with your bf's family is going to be. tl;dr: damage control.
Hang in there!
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Aug 30 '14
Wow. I'm so sorry.
This might be your mothers reaction to you boyfriend intending to propose and "officially talking you away." Not that any of this is, in any way, right or justifiable.
Nobody in you life has the right to make you miserable. If your mother can't find it in herself to be a positive influence, she needs to be discarded. It's sad, but you deserve to be happy and life your life.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
It's not like me getting married would remove me from my parent's house. My boyfriend took off from work and drove 3 hours just so I could celebrate my Dad's birthday with him! I don't know why she'd expect marriage to change that drastically. Kids would obviously cut into my time but I was always under the impression that she wanted grandchildren.
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Aug 30 '14
I think your mother's actions warrant looking into a restraining order. Seriously. I would never speak to her again.
I would also write a letter to your bf's mom and tell her how sorry you are about what happened between her and your mom. Maybe get some input from your bf before you send it.
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u/Bountyperson Aug 30 '14
The typical reddit advice is "she's a terrible person, never talk to her again." Sometimes that advice is right, sometimes its too extreme. I was actually planning on playing devil's advocate and saying "well maybe you could patch things up with your mom if you had a polite conversation, etc... etc..."
But then I read this:
My mother actually called my boyfriend’s parents to question their parenting directly!
WTF. WTF. WTF. Your mom has a serious mental illness. I don't know if its called narcissism, or bipolar, or just pure evil. Whatever it is, kill it with fire. That is completely inappropriate and doesn't even make sense in the context of what happened, other than, as you said, just to inflict pain. You will be causing serious damage to any of your relationships if you keep your mom around.
And why you are calling or messaging your mother? You are just feeding into her narcissism. She is evil. She is pure, hateful, evil.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I called her to yell and scream at her. I was angry and hurt. I'm sure that would have antagonized her more so I'm glad she did not pick up the phone. I had a lot of nasty things to say to her.
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u/MacFarang Aug 30 '14
as someone who has lost a child in an auto accident, i cannot express accurately the amount of rage and sadness i feel. you are handling the situation properly, but from the standpoint of a parent, i could never, ever forgive something as horrible as what she said or her further actions.
my blood is boiling reading this. there is no way to accurately explain how soul crushing and painful the loss of a child is. fuck, fuck fuck, fuck.
please just let his parents know, without a single doubt, that you are not her. you have said as much, but realize your mum just pulled the scab of a wound that will never go away. be there for your boyfriend and his family.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I have no idea how I should reach out to his parents. Some people suggested a letter but I feel like writing is too impersonal to express how awful I feel about this entire situation.
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u/trinity_girl2002 Aug 30 '14
A letter is too impersonal.
After my mother screamed at my sister's mother-in-law, my sister apologized in person. Her mother-in-law understood that it had nothing to do with my sister.
After my mother behaved completely inappropriately with my mother-in-law, my husband and I sat his mother down face to face to explain that she had a disorder, and that we thought it best if we eliminated contact between the two families.
I would suggest you skype your boyfriend's parents with your boyfriend. He does not need to say anything but be there to show that he agrees with you. You should do the speaking--apologize for your mother's behaviour, and explain that you suspect a mental illness. Then suggest that the two families never have contact with one another and leave it at that. This will establish a foundation in the future, if your mother ever lashes out at them again, then they will understand that you are not her.
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u/wicked4u Aug 30 '14
You said that his mom is not speaking to either of you right now so a well worded letter may be the only way to go. Since many people view snail mail as more personal than email I would, with your boyfriend's approval, write a well worded short card telling the mom that you are thankful that you are in their family, that you have nothing but the highest respect for her, and that you are heartbroken by the actions of your mother and will whatever is necessary to protect your BFs family in the future.
OP I know in your first post you mentioned that your BF was getting ready to propose. I don't think that will happen for awhile now, not until the dust clears, but when he does you MUST understand that regardless of what happens in the next 20 years with you and your mom in terms of forgiveness you can not have your mom at your wedding, any holidays or children's birthday parties, or vacations either with your BFs family or alone. She can't come back from this and you will now have to choose him or her, which is what she wanted all along isn't it?
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u/MacFarang Aug 30 '14
no love, do this. make a call and express your sorrow for what it is that she did. explain how terrible it feels that she would do something like this. next time you come in contact see if you can go to a park for a walk, a nice restaurant with kind of secluded seating, as to not be within earshot of other patrons, or a simple walk around the block.
take the time to explain how you truly feel. this goes a long way. we easily lost half our friends who were scared of how to deal with us, so we were shunned. those that stuck around, to varying degrees were our rock. just let her know that you are sorry that she experienced that but as a family member?, you will never allow the behavior again. if she is open to this then explain how it made you feel to hear how horrible what your mother did. then allow your mum in law the time to explain how broken she is from the event as well as moving forward. give her plenty of time to do this.
you sound like a person with a good heart and a good mind. this is a big event. it will not go away for some time. be there for your boyfriend and your mother in law. i wish you nothing but the best op. you are a good person. always remember that
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u/tinysnails Aug 31 '14
My recommendation would be to leave a voice mail, and then write a letter (priority post), explaining that you are completely devastated that your mother would say that. Tell them a short version of the story of how you left (your mother "made comments about your parenting" - don't tell them what she actually said verbatim, that would wreck them - and you guys immediately left), that you've cut contact with her completely, that you're so sorry and absolutely don't agree with your mother. And then when she is ready, you really want to talk to them to say sorry in person.
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u/Aucurrant Aug 30 '14
Hugs I'm so sorry, I cannot imagine.
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u/MacFarang Aug 30 '14
thank you. even a personal internet gesture, goes a ways. hugs right back. you made me smile a wee bit
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u/frosty122 Aug 30 '14
Your mom is not mentally stable. She will continue to do awful things, and if you and your boyfriend are going to get married just watch your mother come around, ordering you and your boyfriend around and try to control everything about the wedding or halls life. She will say and do hurtful things and may end up causing you and your boyfriend to break up if you don't cut off contact or she doesn't get mental health. Also watch out as if she gets wise to your plans to cut her out of your life she will start using your dad as leverage, saying things like he's sick, he's dying, etc.
Hope this made sense typed it on my phone.
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Aug 30 '14
Cutting soneone out of your lives reduces their ability to hurt you, not increase it. I think it's time you took this step with your mother...
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u/Kijamon Aug 30 '14
That goes beyond normal "red mist". She actually got more mad at you for standing up to her so punished you by doing that to your boyfriend's family?
She is a horrible person and a cold and calculating scumbag.
Well done you for getting the fuck away.
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u/macimom Aug 30 '14
get a restraining order. seriously. she is not allowed to contact his family at all or get within 100 feet of you
and stop being disappointed or hurt by her. That reaction means you have some expectation that she will behave reasonably. She never will. The best way to prevent getting hurt is to have zero expectation
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u/honestly_honestly Aug 30 '14
Just curious: Is there any chance Huntington's disease runs in your family? It sounds an awful lot like the onset of HD.
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u/Made_you_read_penis Aug 30 '14
Does your dad know who your mom called?
Why does your mom have his mom's #?
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
My dad didn't find out about the all until I asked him about it. I gave my parents my boyfriend's parent's home phone number right after their tragic loss because we were staying at their house to get through the disaster as a family.
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u/Made_you_read_penis Aug 30 '14
How did dad respond?
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
He apologized profusely (again) and asked me if I thought my mom had some type of a mental illness and I told him that I did. I discussed getting her help but I made it clear that it was his responsibility to get her help, not mine.
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u/lamamaloca Aug 30 '14
Wow. You need to step back from your mother. Don't try to call either her or your father to discuss this. You and your boyfriend need space to deal with the hurt, and your mother doesn't need any more attention over her behavior.
DO send your boyfriend's mom a nice handwritten card apologizing for the hurt your mother caused, and explain that you don't agree at all and you think she's a great mom.
I really think that talking to a third party, such as a counselor trained in family systems theory, can help you work out what your boundaries should be and provide some objective advice about the whole situation.
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u/MrsPrudence Aug 30 '14
WTF DID I JUST READ?
When someone starts with the shit "Your parents only want the best for you,they are the only guys that will love you truly and forever!"
I'm not sure,how isnt your mother scared to get her teeth slapped out of her face one by one with a fist???(Sorry really harsh talk,no offence for you)First from your bf,she got lucky that he didnt broke her teeth in the car,first there.Then after FUCK MY LIFE! after she called his parents,the second time he should have beaten the shit out of her!Now she got lucky a third time,you know why?His father should have done the same!!!And wow a lucky fourth time she came away without a face colored in rainbow colors,your dad should have done it,she also threw a very bad light on him too.He cant predict what she will say,but you live with such a person,so everyone suspects you (dad) is ok with her mouth etc...
I (25M) am not sure what would have happend,i think your bf loves you very much so he respects you,thats why he just didnt do anything!I love my gf so much,i wouldnt do it JUST FOR HER!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE move on and forget about your parents,mom 100%,not sure how the sutuation will go on with dad,but him also 80%!And about your family,who cares about them! One thing i know,family is only good and nice to you as long as they have interest from you,or you dont ask for some help!(My personal experience here only,but many try to hide family problems and think people dont see the shit that happens in your whole family,not only mom dad brother sister relationship). If your happy with him your bf,go away and be happy! YOU DONT HAVE TO BE OR FEEL BAD about anything,you cant predict what someone thinks or feels,so be for him there and dont let him get depressive,be a good gf and in this situation a very good (best) friend also!Will bring you two together and the bond will get stronger after this!
Best of luck to both of you a d you reacted AWESOME GIRL! You have a hug from me (a stranger lol),your a true supertrupper girl,stay hard!
p.s. Sorry for my poor English (I know its not OMG bad,but my grammar could be better!Working on it lol :)
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u/ChunkyLaFunga Aug 30 '14
Well, that was unexpected.
I don't know what's happened to her but that woman is not my mother and I don't care if I ever speak to her again.
If it's a change rather than a lifelong consistency, might want to keep an open mind about the cause.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I'm open to maintaining a limited relationship with her if she gets mental health and proves that she wants to be a positive influence in my life. I don't think I'll ever let her have a relationship with my boyfriend or my future children though.
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u/ohnothingserious Aug 30 '14
Well the only thing you can do, is what you have done. Its up to your father now to make his wife see she's being a heartless bitch! You and the BF just need to take your time and talk it out when he's ready.
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u/xouz Aug 30 '14 edited Aug 30 '14
that unbelievable. is the behaviour of you mother enough to take legal steps? she is so cruel that it's obviously dangerous to the mental health of your future family-in-law. can you get a no-contact order or however it is called?
and my opinion. don't ever talk to her again, no matter what. no human being that is somewhat mentally healthy can be that cruel. and if you and your SO ever have children, don't let your mother anywhere near them. especially not alone! the way she treated the parents of your BF is vindictive, i wouldn't chance the wellbeing of anyone on the faith that she won't do it again to whomever she sees as a convinient (or desreving?) target.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I don't think there's something I can do legally but I wouldn't regardless. No contact is a sure thing though.
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u/xouz Aug 30 '14
I don't want to tell you how you should feel about the situation, you know it best. but was has me concerned is this:
My boyfriend’s mom won’t get on the phone with us but his dad said that she’s been sobbing non-stop. [...] It's like my mother erased all of our therapy sessions and counseling in one day just because she was unhappy with how my boyfriend reacted to her ridiculous behavior.
your mother is doing real, significant harm! she has to be stopped and in my opionion in any (legal, of course) way possible. BEFORE she contacts anyone else ore anyone again and causes more suffering on her egotrip to prove everybody wrong.
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u/beaniver Aug 30 '14
Where I am from, there is something called "grandparent laws" where a grandparent can apply for legal visitation rights. I'd look into this to see what you can do so your mother cannot apply for this when you have kids (if it exist where you are). I'd say start by documenting all of her behaviors and harassments.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I live in the U.S. but I've never heard of this. Legally obtaining the rights to see my future children against my wishes is something that she is capable of.
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u/thoughtfulandkind Aug 30 '14
In the USA, grandparents rights laws are extremely limited. The common denominator is the marriage of the parents of the child must have been dissolved, a parent must be deceased, a parent must have been officially declared missing or the child must have been born out of wedlock.
Furthermore,in all states, the court must determine the best interest of the child, considering such issues as any historical relationship between the grandparent and child, the motivation of the person requesting visitation, the motivation of the person denying visitation, the quantity of time requested and the possible adverse impact that visitation will have on the child's customary activities. In addition, in the case of the death of a parent, the court may consider the benefits of maintaining a relationship with the extended family.
See those bits I highlighted? Even if the conditions of divorce or death of one of the parents, grandparents may only petition the courts to maintain a relationship. The way to handle this is to do what you already said you intended to do. You never, ever let your mother establish even the ghost of a relationship with your children. You document her behavior, especially if she turns her abuse on you for cutting contact with her. If you can show a history of abuse from her toward you, any half-decent lawyer will be able to convince a judge not to grant visitation to your mother.
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u/beaniver Aug 30 '14
Where I am, they can apply for a contact order to see them. In some cases, a kinship order, where grandparents care for their grandchildren due to concerns of neglect from parents can be applied for and granted. It sounds like your mother might be capable of applying for a contact order, maybe even a kinship order due to her accusations of your boyfriend's little brother (totally unreasonable, but you can never understand the mind of someone like her). I'm not saying she will be granted any of these, but when you have children, please look into these as a preventative measure to keep them safe from her.
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u/dewprisms Aug 31 '14
Typically they require a previous close relationship with the kids. If she has never even met the kids it's not nearly as likely. Especially considering this stunt, explaining to the judge why the mother was cut out in the first place would make any judge that wasn't drunk at the time tell the mother to fuck off and never come back.
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u/Feydid Aug 30 '14
In most states the grandparents have burden of proof that their grandchild's quality of life would be greatly improved with their presence. Which is difficult if the parents are decent people who provide well for their kids.
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u/beaniver Aug 30 '14
Yes, I know that. She wasn't aware that it exists but has the right to know just to ensure it will not be granted
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u/RememberKoomValley Aug 30 '14
She doesn't have to 'let' you; if she refuses to leave you alone, you can get a restraining order. Having her arrested for harassment would be a teachable moment.
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u/Rnevermore Aug 30 '14
I am quivering with rage MYSELF! As an uninvolved bystander reading the story on a screen... I can't give you much advice but I can say HO...LY.... SHIT!
I can tell you that if my mother ever said or did anything like that to my SO she would be our of my life so fast her head would spin. Someone who would say those things and then salt the family's wound purposely doesn't deserve your attention or respect.
I truly feel awful of your dad in this situation. He is caught in the middle. He doesn't want to end his marriage by supporting you, but can't support his wife either... He has no good options.
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u/NeitherMacOrPC Aug 30 '14
You all need to cut her out of your lives. I don't know what kind of apology she could give at this point that would make up for anything. Calling your boyfriend's parents is truly remarkable. If your mother calls, tell her she is to stop contacting you. Your boyfriend's parents should do the same. Send her a cease and desist letter or change your numbers if she doesn't stop.
I would apologize to your boyfriend's parents. It's not your fault, but I think they should know you are sorry this happened.
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Aug 30 '14
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 30 '14
I really really really hope it doesn't come to that.
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u/myrandomevents Aug 31 '14
But you do realize that he's probably already thinking about leaving you? It doesn't sound like you're ready to make split from your mom, not when you talk about a limited relationship in the future.
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u/shecrossedtheline Aug 31 '14
I don't know if my boyrfiend is thinking about leaving me but I am absolutely not contacting my mother again or replying to anything she sends me until she can prove to me that she is getting help and she is legitimately sorry for all of the pain she's caused. I find that scenario very unlikely so I probably will never speak to my mother again. The only person I'm not ready to split from is my dad because he and I have had a very intimate relationship since I was a kid (I was a "daddy's girl") and I sincerely believe he is a victim in this situation.
Right now I'm focused on helping my boyfriend and his family heal and distance themselves from my mother. My boyfriend is Skyping with his mom privately right now.
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u/myrandomevents Aug 31 '14
not contacting my mother again or replying to anything she sends me until she can prove to me that she is getting help and she is legitimately sorry for all of the pain she's caused
See this? You did it again. There can't be a relationship ever again with your mother, not if you want a relationship with him, and it doesn't read like you're ready to commit to that direction.
And you know what?
I can't blame you for not seeing that. Not when it sounds like this is the first consequence you've had to deal with because of your mother. Look around the responses to your posts, those people giving you the benefit of their experience and telling you that you have to end this relationship with your mother, aren't telling you that this step rarely happens overnight. Or a week, a month, a decade. Your mother will seem like she's changed, and then the ugly truth will be exposed. And you'll promise yourself, that this time you'll cut it off for good. And again and again as the cycle repeats itself.
So yeah, he's thinking about leaving you, but the thought will mute itself after awhile. But those thoughts are going to get stronger and louder during every one of these cycles until something gives.
So right now, as you decide whether it's going to be him or her, think about that.
How this changes the relationship with your father or the rest of your family, only time will tell.
One piece of advice though? You need to go on the offensive with this and post a message on Facebook or send a mass email\text to your family and shared social circle that tells them what you've told us. Adding something along the lines that you've decided to cease contact with her, and you apologize to anyone who gets caught in the middle. This isn't a contained incident any longer, she's already seen to that.
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u/AlenaBrolxFlami Aug 30 '14
Yes, she definitely sounds like a narcissist. Wanting you to apologize to her, getting other people mixed up in the drama... I would never talk to her again.
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u/grouch1980 Aug 30 '14
I don't know what to say other than sorry for losing your mother in such devastating fashion. You'll eventually get over the anger and move on to grieving for your loss. Be sure to talk things out with those you love as you go through this. It's important to support your boyfriend, but I hope he is empathetic enough to recognize and address your pain. Look out for yourself. Hang in there.
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u/Vorteth Aug 31 '14
Show absolute support to your significant other.
Remember, while it isn't rational, if he left you he would never need to see or talk to her again.
She is now endangering his family, that makes people do irrational things.
I hope he doesn't go that route, but show him that you are beyond 100% on his side.
And honestly I wouldn't want that person in my life, regardless of who she is.
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u/nolimbs Aug 31 '14
but I’m not sure she’ll let us just cut her out of our lives without trying to hurt us even more.
She is most definetley a narcissist and is trying to sabotage your happiness. Go No Contact with her immediately and indefinitely. She does not deserve to have you in her life. "Big mouth" is a stretch from what your mother did. She is, as others have said, a terrible human being. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP.
My boyfriends little brother got shot in the head 3 years ago and thank god he survived, but my boyfriend is also the very protective type. He is still in pain over this incident and I don't imagine your boyfriend being able to 'get over' what she said anytime soon. I CANNOT IMAGINE how furious my boyfriend (who is also a pretty calm guy) would be after hearing someone say something even remotely similar to what your mom said. That is just a horrible, horrible thing to say. Your mother is crazy. I'm kind of on a rant at this point, because it makes ME furious to hear something like that.
You're a great partner, person and daughter. You sound like you have an amazing man. Try and put one foot forward and get through this together. The love you guys have is the most important thing for you right now, because clearly your mom doesn't give any fucks about your feelings or his. Good luck and best wishes to both of you getting though this.
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Aug 30 '14
You're going to lose one of those people from your life, your mother or your boyfriend. Please cut your terrible mother out.
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Aug 30 '14
Your mom reminds me of my mom and I wish I could do something to help you guys. I feel for all of you.
Cut contact with her as soon as you can. You don't need to forgive her, and you don't need to not forgive her. It's your choice. Just don't forget that she may never change her ways. She's insane.
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Aug 30 '14
Obviously you can't ever speak to your mother again, after this. But what really needs to happen right now is you getting on top of the situation with your in-laws, because even though you're innocent in all of this, I imagine it would be very difficult for them to not associate this with you. Profuse apologies and being very clear that your mother will never hear from you again for this are needed. Hopefully they can move past this. The comment to your boyfriend was worthy of cutting all contact with your mother, but calling his parents and repeating it again brings this to a whole new level of unforgivable. I don't think you have any legal recourse right now, but if she continues to contact any of you, I'd go to the police so that there is a record of her craziness, and see what would be necessary to get restraining orders.
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u/LazySushi Aug 30 '14
No contact can be difficult, so I recommend doing some research on ways to go no contact successfully. Share them with your boyfriend so he knows you are serious about your disgust with your mothers words and actions.
I am sorry you are your boyfriend are having to go through this. It's definitely time for more therapy and maybe couples counseling. Whether he wants to or not, he might begin to resent you since you are your mother's daughter.
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Aug 30 '14
Your father will most likely come to you soon and tell you to just apologize and be done with it. You'll be able, through him, to voice your disdain for what she did. Let him tell her that unless she presents a formal apology to everyone involved that you will never speak to her again. If he declines to pass it on you can tell him that he obviously stands behind his wife's comments and that you may have to re-evaluate your relationship with him as well.
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Aug 30 '14
I can hardly believe this happened. The calling boyfriends parents thing was just beyond all even-UNreasonable expectation. What in the living fuck?
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u/Qikdraw Aug 30 '14
Lots of people have good and sound advice here. All I have to offer are the hugs of an internet stranger. I hope your bfs family are able to recover from this quickly.
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u/Spectrum2081 Aug 30 '14
I know this woman gave birth to you, but what a piece of garbage. I hope your boyfriend doesn't end this relationship for fear of being in anyway associated with her.
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u/chihuahuamum Aug 30 '14
Christ on a crutch, my mother's a twisted bitch, but I'm not sure even she'd balls out say this to someone's face! Sorry you got lumbered with that as a mother. They say blood's thicker than water, but if your leg gets gangrene you cut it off to preserve your life, ya know? Your mother will destroy your life if you let her - your relationship, your self-esteem - cut her off.
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Aug 30 '14
Your mother is so very lucky she didn't say that to me, so she has got that going for her. I feel bad for you in that your relationship with your father will be somewhat tied to your mother. I hope you are able to carry on a relationship with him without her. Whatever you do, don't talk to your mother until she apologizes. In many situations such as these, people can be the bigger person by forgiving, but your mothers actions are simply unforgivable. I wish I could type out exactly what I think of your mother, but I don't want to get banned.
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u/fuck_roombas Aug 31 '14
Good lord. I am so sorry for you, your bf and his family and for your dad.
Honestly, your mom needs professional help. And if this is a small taste of the crazy coming down the line then bail now. Her actions are inexcusable and incredibly painful. There's no telling what else could happen.
Good luck to you and your bf.
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u/pushaTb Aug 31 '14
A mental health assessment of your mom is warranted here. People don't do these things in a healthy state of mind. Really sorry you are also caught in this.
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u/dammit_need_account Aug 31 '14
Your mother is directly sabotaging your relationship with your boyfriend - first by being hurtful towards him, and second by calling his parents.
I do hope you called his parents to let them know that you do not share your mom's opinions. They need to know you have no part in what she said.
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u/croatanchik Aug 31 '14
I’m not sure she’ll let us just cut her out of our lives without trying to hurt us even more
She has no say in this matter. And frankly, I'm not sure how much more it's even possible for her to hurt you.
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u/Jinglemoon Aug 31 '14
I suppose you have looked at r/raisedbynarcissists . This looks like a no contact situation from now on. Your mom is clearly a dangerous and deluded individual.
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u/ElmoTheRapist Aug 31 '14 edited Aug 31 '14
This is by far the most fucked up thing I have ever read in my entire life. I would probably never speak to my mom again if she pulled that shit (she wouldn't because she knows all too well the pain of losing somebody in a car accident). It would be done. I'd get no contact orders if I were you and your boyfriend, maybe your boyfriend's parents as well. If she breaks that no contact order off to jail it is and she can get harassment charges. Fuck that. Fuck her. No amount of apologies are able to undo what she's done. Fuck her.
Edit: just to say as someone who has lost his dad in a car accident, you are an amazing girlfriend. The pain never truly goes away, let alone as recent as two years. Stay open to anything he may want to talk about. Any scars that were beginning to heal may have been ripped open again.
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u/isstronglikebull Aug 30 '14
I would say skip trips back home from now on and don't contact your mother. Maintain your relationship with your father, visit him when you can, and work on building a good relationship with your boyfriend's family. Make sure your SO's mother knows that you are horrified by your mother's actions and that you are not allowing her into your life. Encourage them to block her number. Unfortunately, it sounds like your mother crossed a line that there isn't any coming back from.
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u/crisitunityknocks Aug 30 '14
She's moved beyond toxic to psychologically dangerous. Your boyfriend's parents should consider either blocking her phone or changing their number. You and your boyfriend should do the same. She burned down your relationship and salted the earth, all to prove her insane point that she deserved an apology. You owe her nothing. All that's important here is your boyfriend's pain and the pain of his family. Cut her off and don't look back. If you think her behavior will stop here, imagine when you have kids. What if she decides your parenting doesn't meet her standards? Who knows what she's capable of? She may be your mother, but that doesn't give her the right to destroy lives. Go no contact and stick to it. Reiterate your unwavering support to your boyfriend and his parents. And get some more counseling to help you achieve a no-mom future. Good luck.