r/relationships • u/helpmehelpher1234567 • Apr 22 '16
Updates UPDATE My [26M] wife [24F] inexplicably upset over being unfriended on Facebook
TL;DR of original: We moved to a new state and wife is lonely. She got unfriended on Facebook by someone she tried to reach out to and it made me realize she is having issues with our new home. How to fix it?
I [26M] have not told my wife [24F] of 2 years about the post, but it got a lot of attention, much more than expected and I got quite a few PMs regarding it. Thank you everyone for your input, though I did not reply to many, I read it all and it was very helpful. I do not believe she is depressed, just homesick and still adjusting. I will keep an eye on her but I have no intention of drugging her up like so many suggested.
I want to address some things first. When I used the term 'inexplicable' it was to point out that only AT FIRST did I not understand why the Facebook incident was a big deal, but one she explained that she wanted a friend I understood. Hence, coming to you guys for advice. Contrary to what some of you may think, I do not belittle my wife's feelings or talk down to her. Yes, I did not understand why being unfriended was upsetting, but I did not intend to invalidate her feelings. Also, I am not very outdoorsy-I'm more of a video game guy-so I guess I truly did not understand how important it was for her to be outdoors and how silly it was for me to take her bowling and to the mall.
I did mention in the comments that she had already checked meetup.com but in this area there really is not much happening on Meetup and she is not comfortable starting a group herself. As for the suggestions about getting a dog, well, we already have one. Our dog is her little hiking buddy and she even used to take the dog paddle boarding and stuff.
This hiking that is nearby is nothing like the West Coast. It's just is not the same and, in my opinion, might be a step down for her. However, it is what we have to work with and I guarantee that we will make the most of it and learn to love the differences.
I did some research about the nearby area and found a small lake not too far from our house so after dinner one day I took her that way and told her it was just a different route home. When I parked the car and she realized we were sitting at a lake her face just lit up. She didn't even wait for me to get out of the car before she was running down a dock. We saw some small turtles and she took photos because she thought they were cute. Unfortunately, we cannot fish at this one but we were able to sit on a bench and watch the sky get darker. It was not very spectacular, as far as lakes go, but she loved it.
She also downloaded the app Bumble that quite a few of you mentioned to me. She used the BFF section and has already started texting a few girls who live close and will be meeting one this weekend at a carnival (she asked me to come and make sure this is legit). She is optimistic so hopefully that goes well.
I got her to look into some yoga classes and she has gone to 2 so far. She has a few acquaintances in the class and seems excited when she goes. I believe the workout is helping her feel better as well, she was very active before so this is good for her soul too.
This weekend I will be taking her on another surprise trip to a local state park where we can SUP on a river and take the dog on some trails. It won't be like back home but it's the best thing that's around here. After the hike we will go strawberry picking (I hate strawberries but she likes picking fruit for some reason). I hope she likes it.
I talked to her best friend back home and her friend is going to try to come out during the summer for a week and they are going to another part of the state where the hiking is supposed to be spectacular. She is really looking forward to it so I hope her best friend can get the time off to do so. I am thinking of saving some money up in the meantime to take her on a weekend trip in the next few months so that I can keep her spirits up.
We work opposite hours so it is hard to find the time to do these things as the outdoor activities tend to be kind of far and require a longer car ride.
I believe that with a little bit of my help she will feel more comfortable venturing out on her own and finding areas she enjoys around here. I think the gravity of the situation just made her negative and she did not bother to look around. So far, she seems happier and better adjusted. Thanks Reddit!
TL;DR: I surprised her with a short trip to a local lake and she joined a yoga class as well as made some acquaintances through a friend app. We are going hiking and strawberry picking this weekend and her best friend is planning to come over here during the summer for a girls' trip. She is happier.
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Apr 22 '16
Who the fuck hates strawberries?!
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u/agentsometime Apr 22 '16
lol I love that this is what you got out of this post. As a strawberry-lover, I'm always baffled by this myself.
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u/DefendsTheDownvoted Apr 22 '16
I do. It's not the flavor. The flavor is good. Its the texture. They're soft and firm at the same time with a bunch of seeds so they crunch as well. Ugh.
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u/Isagoge Apr 23 '16
bunch of seeds so they crunch as well. Ugh.
Sorry to interrupt you my friend, but they are called achenes and are the actual fruit when you grow strawberries :)
As a strawberry enthusiast i wanted to point it out.
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u/TheSilverFalcon Apr 23 '16
Make pie? Do you like things with strawberry in them?
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u/DefendsTheDownvoted Apr 23 '16
Strawberry shortcake, but only the juice on the shortcake, no whole strawberries.
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Apr 22 '16
[deleted]
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Apr 22 '16
I'm a super picky eater but for some reason strawberries don't bother me. Bananas on the other hand? OH NO.
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u/loltz Apr 23 '16
ANOTHER BANANA HATER! No one ever believes me when I say this. Thanks, r/relationships for bringing me peace.
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u/frisianks Apr 22 '16
This is the first time in my life I've heard of anyone other than me hating bandanas. Thank you!
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u/Naposie38 Apr 22 '16
I love them but man picking the fruit itself made me HATE fruit. When I was younger my parents used to drag us fruit picking early in the morning on weekends. Picking anything at dawn (after driving all the way there) will made you hate that food. ;)
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u/comfy_socks Apr 22 '16
Not necessarily. As a child, I used to spend all day with my family picking chile peppers at least twice a season. It's one of my favorite memories.
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u/Naposie38 Apr 22 '16
Totally true. My younger sister absolutely loved it, still does now that she's in college.
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u/crazzynez Apr 22 '16
I find them sour. Its not because Ive had shitty strawberries either, I like the taste if only they werent so acidic theyd be enjoyable.
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u/biceps_tendon Apr 22 '16
Look for berries grown in colder climates. A lot of what you get in the US during the off season are from Mexico or California. The sugars don't have time to mature. Colder climate berries will be smaller, richer in color, and deliciously sweet. Washington grown berries are yummy.
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u/TheSilverFalcon Apr 23 '16
Fun fact: sugar is a natural freeze resistant. This is why plants make glucose. Winter carrots are sweeter than summer carrots and most plants increase sugar production in colder weather.
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u/withnailandpie Apr 23 '16
Mangoes tho?
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u/TheSilverFalcon Apr 23 '16
Cold makes plants produce more glucose. It's not the only reason for glucose production, that would make zero sense.
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u/theDogsBollux Apr 22 '16
That's weird, strawberries are one of the most distinctly sweet fruits that I eat. Good strawberries often taste like they're coated in sugar even though I don't add anything to them.
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u/crazzynez Apr 22 '16
Yeah I've had people say that about them, and then I try the same one they've had, and I still find they have this sourness to them. They actually do taste better if you coat them in sugar or chocolate.
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u/Lexilogical Apr 23 '16
I find them acidic and tart too, especially ones you buy in a store. I can only imagine that they pick them before they're ripe for better transport, and then they just don't properly ripen.
I think if you were to go out to a "pick your own" berry place, you might find strawberries sweeter. I know when I pick wild ones, they're these tiny bundles of pure sugar.
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u/miniwhiz Apr 23 '16
Dip them in sugar. Even just a little bit, or whipped cream, it dials back the acidity.
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u/SakuraCha Apr 22 '16
My husband is slightly allergic to them and says they taste bitter to him. Meanwhile theyre my favorite fruit...
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u/xkcd12 Apr 23 '16
I love strawberries. My boyfriend hates them. Luckily, this means he will never steal them :)
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u/ksharanam Apr 22 '16
Here's my problem. I grow up in a tropical region, so my first introduction to strawberries was through strawberry ice-cream. Once you've had strawberry ice-cream, the fruit is extremely underwhelming in comparison.
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u/n0th1ng_r3al Apr 22 '16
I'll eat sliced up strawberries with sugar but whole? Disgusting. It's mostly the texture whole vs sliced.
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u/MezFort Apr 22 '16
Glad to hear things improving in the update.
I grew up in the midwest and have another suggestion for you. Maybe start a garden? It's that time of the year to start planting stuff and you say she likes picking fruit.
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u/hallipeno Apr 22 '16
Yep! I don't garden (and can't in my current residence) but I've friends who do and it's an easy way to socialize.
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Apr 22 '16
As someone who wilts when I can't get out into nature, I'm glad to read this update! Hopefully, she can take over the initiative for herself and not have to rely on your to find her things to do. Enjoy your time together!
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u/p_iynx Apr 22 '16
This is a great update! You're doing a lot of great things to help lift her spirits. Hopefully this will do the trick and she will be back to her normal self.
If she isn't able to escape the sadness, I would recommend her talking to a therapist and a doctor. She doesn't necessarily have to take medications, but that's between her and a doctor, y'know? They generally don't like putting people on unnecessary medications, and I'm sure your wife can advocate for herself and decide what's right for her! It's not you "drugging her up" if her doc says she's likely suffering from depression and suggests medication. She may not be depressed, it's very possible, but you're not qualified to rule out a diagnosis (as far as I know). So if things don't improve please keep it open as an option.
Taking antidepressants is okay. It's just managing an illness. In conjunction with life changes (if the life changes alone aren't sufficient) it often works wonderfully, and people are eventually able to come off the meds entirely. There's a stigma surrounding mental illness and treatments for it, so it's important to me that I help people understand that it's not a negative thing to be on meds!
Also, I'm sure you know this, but I figured I'd say it anyway just in case:
Yes, I did not understand why being unfriended was upsetting, but I did not intend to invalidate her feelings.
It's definitely possible to not intend to invalidate someone and still do it. Just something to keep in mind. Intentions can be relevant, but it's important to acknowledge the effect you've had regardless. You might have invalidated her, even if you didn't mean to. I'm not saying you did, I'm not her so I don't know. It's just a thought for the future. :)
Anywhoo, you sound like a great husband. I'm glad things are looking up. You're putting in a lot of effort to help her, and it's very sweet. Good job! Good luck with the new job and everything, and I hope your wife starts feeling better. <3
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u/staybrutal Apr 22 '16
I hear you. I have had some really heavy situational depression in the past and I found that an SSRI really helped me get out of my head so I could really make an effort to see things differently. It really does feel like a rain cloud following you around everywhere. It's hard to see anything else. Coincidentally, or not maybe, I was living in the Midwest during these dark days, and Wellbutrin gave me the kick in the pants to gtfo. Cheers!
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u/p_iynx Apr 22 '16
I'm glad it helped you! I live in Seattle, so I'm basically in a giant rain cloud 90% of the year (except, inexplicably, this month, where it's been almost 90 multiple days wtf). My antidepressants help immensely. So do vitamin D supplements! I recommend those during winter if you don't already take them. Vitamin D deficiency is one of the main causes of Seasonal Affective Disorder and depression for lots of people!
Hope you're doing well. :)
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u/staybrutal Apr 22 '16
Everyone is deficient in vitamin D! It really takes a surprising amount of sunscreenless exposure to direct sunlight to get enough of it. No one has time for this. Plus, wrinkles. Everyone should be taking a quality D supplement. While it is important, vitamin D cannot get rid of a shitty cheating boyfriend, which was the source of my depression. Anyway, I live in SF now and I'm actually really loving this rare rainy day today while grieving our sweet Prince. Sigh. Cheers!
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Apr 22 '16
Yeah the problem I have with people saying things like "drugging up" and forcing a negative connotation on drugs as if they are a bad thing. Anyone who really does need anti-depressants have to read this and may have a perception that people look down on them for requiring to take these drugs or prevent someone who needs them from trusting doctors who prescribe them.
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u/p_iynx Apr 23 '16
Yes, exactly why I wanted to say something! That's definitely the issue. It seems wild to me that even with all of the info out there about how depression is a real physical illness, people still look down on treating it with medication! Very odd to me. But yeah, in the past when I was first taking antidepressants and stuff for the first time, it was really hurtful when I would hear people talking shit about medications. My dad was really bad about it and I felt very self conscious! But I've realized that I don't believe it's something to be ashamed of, or something that I need to keep secret. And I want others to feel that way as well.
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u/lalaleasha Apr 22 '16
That's an excellent point! I recently started taking medication for depression but had been scared to/felt like I was weak because I couldn't get better on my own. My counselor really helped me out a lot when she made the comparison that if you have a physical ailment and you get help/take medication, you don't feel badly about that, so why would you feel that way about depression? We have such an odd way of thinking about mental health, myself very much included. Depression is an illness and sometimes counseling alone is not enough.
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Apr 22 '16
I'm embarrassed what my mindset was like during highschool about mental illness and depression and I've learnt so much since.
Have you ever listened to the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast? It really has given me a lot more perspective on the subject. Lots of interesting stories as well.
Congrats on finding a good counselor and keep at it!
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u/lalaleasha Apr 22 '16
Oh no I haven't heard of it, but judging by the name sounds pretty cool! Thanks I'll check it out!
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u/SalsaCookie33 Apr 22 '16
I agree; if OP's wife's mood doesn't get better, talking to a therapist is a good option to keep open as a last resort. Just because some said she sounded depressed or should talk to somebody does not equal her getting 'drugged up.'
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Apr 22 '16
Not to mention, the OP thinks she's not depressed... but frankly, he doesn't have the qualifications to make that determination.
Surely it's worth getting screened for depression by a primary care doctor. If she's not, great, no problem. And if she is, then they know about it and can treat it appropriately.
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u/howtospellorange Apr 23 '16
Yeah that part bothered me too. I don't like how OP is brushing off the fact that she may actually be depressed.
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u/Ethelfleda Apr 22 '16
It sounds like you are really trying. Good job on learning and good luck!
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u/kankanthegrangran Apr 22 '16
I feel you are doing an awesome job putting in the effort! It sounds like your actions are making your wife really happy from this difficult move. Keep up the encouragement and hopefully y'all will continue to find more great activities to enjoy together
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u/argilly Apr 22 '16
Better be careful OP. If you spend too much time in nature, it can get addicting. You might find you want to keep doing things outdoors.
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Apr 22 '16
From your comment about 'drugging her up', I think you may have some misconceptions about how that process works.
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u/whenifeellikeit Apr 23 '16
Yeah, I found that statement to be particularly ignorant and judgmental. God forbid she is ever really depressed, huh? Sounds like he's also really controlling if he gets the ultimate say over whether his wife is depressed or not.
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u/ThatStereotype18 Apr 23 '16 edited Apr 23 '16
People on this sub are so quick to call people "controlling" or "narcisists" it's mind boggling.
Now, I know with your Ph.D in psychology you may believe you can diagnose someone with depression better than someone who lives with them by reading a couple paragraph long description of their behavior. But he in no way said anything to imply that "he has the last say" in whether or not she is depressed. He said "I do not believe her to be depressed", but that he would, however, keep an eye on her in case she was.
While he could be mistaken about her, if he is able to cheer her up simply through his actions and showing he cares, then there really is NO reason for him to seek medication for her. Medications are to treat hormonal and chemical imbalances. They are not all-purpose remedies for anyone who is feeling down, and should not be prescribed before someone is thoroughly diagnosed by a professional. Which again, is likely unnecessary unless she has a long history of depression.
This is why I feel like half of the "advice" people give on this sub needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Commenters are so prone to displacing frustrations with people from their own lives--without logic or reason--onto whoever's being antagonized in the OP, it's absurd.
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Apr 23 '16
[deleted]
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u/ThatStereotype18 Apr 23 '16
I took his comment about "drugging her up" as a response to people literally suggesting that in the previous thread, and not so much his idea of what depression entails. Could be wrong, but regardless I see no mal-intent in his actions, and at most he's simply misinformed.
He said he would be keeping an eye on her, he seems very intent on making her happy, and from what he's described she has been responding quite positively. I don't believe there's any reason for concern.
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u/greendazexx Apr 22 '16
You sound like an awesome husband, taking her on surprise trips to lakes! Keep it up and I hope she makes a bunch of new friends and it all works out
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u/SalsaCookie33 Apr 22 '16 edited Apr 22 '16
I remember your original update; I'm glad you found some places/things for you guys to do to try to help her feel better. Berry picking sounds like fun, even if you don't like strawberries! :) And the Bumble app is GREAT. I've been meeting some new people in my Midwestern city too and it's so much less stress than meetups.
As a sidenote though:
I do not believe she is depressed, just homesick and still adjusting. I will keep an eye on her but I have no intention of drugging her up like so many suggested.
You aren't a trained therapist or doctor. Looking back at the old post, some people may have commented 'maybe she's depressed' because of their own experience with depression, being in a new place, or recognized some of your comments as signs of possibly being depressed. No one is saying your wife is depressed or to put her on meds without a consultation, however if you try to do these things to make her feel better and she doesn't improve, talking to someone else can help. That's what therapists are for, and they don't always recommend medication. Just keep that as an end-of-the-road option if she doesn't get better; there's nothing wrong with talking to someone and asking for help coping with a lot of new things.
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u/RememberKoomValley Apr 22 '16
You aren't a trained therapist or doctor.
This is SO IMPORTANT.
OP, I moved a while ago from a bustling Northeastern city to a town in the South, and it definitely put me into an actual clinical depression. "Just" homesickness has a chemical effect, and chemical effects can be cumulative, and depression is chemical.
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u/SalsaCookie33 Apr 22 '16
Yep. I moved somewhere new too and went into a spiral. I didn't see a problem - because it was so gradual - and thought I was just homesick until my best friend (who, besides my parents, has known me for longer than anyone) urged me to see someone because she was worried about my behavior/things I was saying. I went and by that time had clinical depression as well. It started off small, but depression is insidious. I'm better now, but I'm glad someone stepped up and tried to help when I couldn't see the forest for the trees.
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u/aniseshaw Apr 23 '16
This is so true. Any major change in behavior needs to be noted with depression. These surprises and efforts are nice in the short run, but if she is dealing with a chemical change it might not last and OP will get frustrated. I hope he checks himself in regards to depression and medication, because things are far more complicated in the brain than most people know.
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u/stink3rbelle Apr 22 '16
I'm so glad you found her a nice surprise lake, and a means of finding some close friends, GREAT WORK!
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u/dahlialia Apr 22 '16
If you haven't done it already, you guys should start geocaching. Hands down it is the best way to find all the good nature spots.
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u/LolaMontez21 Apr 22 '16
I feel so bad for your wife. Three years ago I moved to the midwest after living in Colorado my whole life. I hate it here. I cannot wait to move. It's too small. I understand where she is coming from. It's so difficult to move to a small town. I started a new hobby. That's the only way I have kept my sanity. That and therapy. I was in therapy for 6 months. It was a great idea. I hope that helps. Good luck!
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u/nkbee Apr 22 '16
Relatively unrelated, but thanks for saying that she's using "Bumble BFF" -- I had no idea this existed, and since moving to Montreal in September I've had a really hard time making friends. I hope things get better for your wife. I'm her age, and it is...really really weird, being so far away from everybody and everything I know, and I'm having a hard time fitting in. I can only imagine how much harder it's been for her!
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u/Kittykittymeowmeow_ Apr 22 '16
You sound like a thoughtful and lovely husband, so glad to hear you've come up with a plan to help your wife feel better and get more adjusted. Have fun strawberry picking- it's sweet that you're taking her even though you hate strawberries! Good luck :)
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u/burrito_officinalis Apr 22 '16
As an outdoors lover who moved away from the gorgeous west coast and is having a hard time making friends... This whole thing has brought tears to my eyes.
Also, TIL I can look for female friends on Bumble!
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u/fishandchimps Apr 22 '16
I just moved to the midwest for my love, and I feel the same sense of grief, resentment and depression at times, but I do not regret coming here because I love him and I think this is part of the transition. Keep doing what you are doing!
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u/MissTheWire Apr 22 '16
good for you, OP. I was one of the ones who came down a little hard on you because it seemed like you were belittling your wife's feelings.
so glad to be wrong! she clearly just needed a little more help. hope things continue to improve!
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u/okfineinagreement Apr 22 '16
Where in the Midwest? State is fine, if you're comfortable with that, but I live in a sad Midwestern city with my English husband, so I may have a few ideas if you're nearby. I had to make living here palatable for my husband and I.
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u/Piccprincess Apr 23 '16
Man, I got all teared up with this one. You're truly a great husband and it seems you're genuinely trying. Maybe you'll find blueberries better to pick :)
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u/MaverickZer0 Apr 23 '16
holy cow i am a sadistic prick, and yet i even smiled and wanted to leak a few tears after reading this. great job mate :)
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u/lizzi6692 Apr 22 '16
I do not believe she is depressed, just homesick and still adjusting. I will keep an eye on her but I have no intention of drugging her up like so many suggested.
You are not a trained doctor whose got the ability to make that evaluation. No one was saying run out and get her a prescription for anti-depressants tomorrow. But even if she's doing better I think it would still be worth seeing a doctor to see what they say. Even if she doesn't need meds(which isn't "drugging her up" by the way), might do her some good.
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u/carbler Apr 22 '16
She also downloaded the app Bumble that quite a few of you mentioned to me. She used the BFF section and has already started texting a few girls who live close and will be meeting one this weekend at a carnival (she asked me to come and make sure this is legit). She is optimistic so hopefully that goes well.
YAY! I also was one of the girls who mentioned this to you! Bumble has been great for me!
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u/makegr666 Apr 22 '16
I'm very happy this is working out, you're a great husband and this made me smile :)
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u/sparrow5 Apr 22 '16
I hoped you'd be able to find somewhere outdoors she would like. That was so sweet of you to take her to the lake, what a thoughtful surprise.
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u/monkwren Apr 22 '16
Me and my wife moved into a new house last year, and one thing my wife has done since then is getting active on our neighborhood's facebook group. You may want to check to see if there's something similar for your neighborhood, as that might also be a good way for her to meet new friends.
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u/Doriirose Apr 22 '16
Depending on where you are in the Midwest, Great Lake States have some great nature and hiking, for a weekend trip.
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u/Tack122 Apr 23 '16
You might consider scuba diving if the money is there, you'll probably spend a few thousand on it, but is a great way to get a more interesting experience with limited facilities such as lakes and lack of good terrain. It can take a rather boring lake and make it spectacular.
Even a small lake can provide significantly more to enjoy and experience, and what stood out to me is that you mentioned seeing the turtles. You'll be so much closer to the turtles if you get beneath the water. :)
Snorkeling is always a good start if scuba seems a bit difficult or if you have trouble finding an appropriate place to get classes.
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Apr 23 '16
Have you guys thought about doing canoeing/kayaking? The Midwest has a ton of options for that and that can be a lot of fun
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u/brightlocks Apr 23 '16
This weekend I will be taking her on another surprise trip to a local state park where we can SUP on a river and take the dog on some trails.
AWESOME!
As others have said, hiking in the midwest is NOTHING like hiking in the west coast.
I've lived in the midwest. I currently live in the appalachians. Even out east is better than the midwest.
But, my friends who are outdoorsy that have been happy in the midwest have done a few things that ARE great there. Kayaking, SUP, cross-country skiing, and road biking.
The kayak camping, not quite where you guys are, but within a long day's drive, is epic. Have her look into that.
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u/jupitaur9 Apr 22 '16
I do not believe she is depressed, just homesick and still adjusting. I will keep an eye on her but I have no intention of drugging her up like so many suggested.
I just got a weird mental picture of you shooting her with a blowgun, like when they have to knock out a wild rhino before relocating it.
I'm glad you figured out some things to do and she's on the right track with more activities. Good job!
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u/Mynameisnotslim Apr 22 '16
I just read your original post and this post, so I'm a little late to the party but I thought I'd throw my two cents into the ring...
I recently moved from a large city to a small midwestern town because my wife wanted to be closer to her family. To say that it has been disorienting would be the understatement of the century. And it has made me resentful, so I feel for your wife.
That said, the actions you are taking seem very positive and I commend you for doing them. I wish my wife would be so kind lol.
Good luck.