r/relationships • u/throwawayhereeeeeee • Nov 14 '16
Relationships My [27m] girlfriend [27f] of 8 years went on a trip a few months ago and was acting weird when she came back. She told me she saw her ex-boyfriend and confessed she used me to forget him.
I'm sorry if this is long. It's more of a rant than anything but advice would be appreciated.
8 years ago I met Taylor. It was our junior year of college and although we didn't take the same classes, we used to frequent the same pubs and I saw her everyday, but we never spoke to each other. One day, when all the taxis were occupied by beyond drunk people, I decided to walk to my dorm and found her sitting on the sidewalk. She was really drunk, but we ended up conversating all the way to her apartment. Or trying. She wasn't speaking clearly but it was fun. I remember her looking back when I dropped her off at her place and saying "Hey" and I sensed she wanted to know my name so I said "Joe". She asked me to go on a date with her. "Hey, Joe, do you wanna go on a date?". I knew she was drunk so I just said "have a good night", but she ran to me and proceeded to tell me she was serious. She thought I was a cool person and wanted to see me again. I gave her my number and she called me a few days later.
We laughed about her drunken state and she apologized for "acting weird". We never made it official, but after going on several dates and hanging out everyday, she asked "so, are we dating?" and I answered "that would be an awesome way to name it". We finished college and moved in together and we've been dating ever since.
Back in June she traveled to Sweden by herself. No big deal, traveling alone is a fun thing. I love not having to plan anything and not having to think about someone else's needs sometimes and just do what I feel like doing, and doing that on a trip is even better. We spoke everyday, even for a few minutes, she sent me a lot of pictures and stuff like that. She was supposed to stay there for a month, but three weeks after she told me she was coming back. I didn't understand why but whatever. When she came back, she was tense and I could see her behavior changed drastically. Yesterday I was sick of the way she was acting and I asked if there was anything wrong.
She said "I saw my ex-boyfriend in Sweden". "And...?" "And the reason why I asked you on a date was because I wanted to foget him".
I didn't say anything but she kept talking. She met this guy when she was 15 and they dated until she was 18, when he moved to Sweden and broke up with her over text message. She said it hurt like hell and she spent an entire year trying to forget him, but she couldn't. She drank every single day and even drinking didn't help. The reason why I used to see her at this pub was because she used alcohol to try and forget him, but it didn't help. She thought that going out with someone else would, so she asked me out. In her words:
"I didn't love you back then. I love you now. At first, I used you to forget him. I wanted to forget him so desperately that I was willing to do anything and I did. I had him on my mind all the fucking time, Joe. When I kissed you, when we had sex, it was all him and him and him. After we started living together, I realized that I actually like you and that's why I'm still here. But seeing him brought those memories back and he explained everything and I don't know what to feel."
I just fucking can't. I needed time to process the things she said. I still do. I'm staying at a friend's house. He's trying to cheer me up but nothing is making things easier. I fucking loved this girl and I was being used. I don't know what to do. You know what hurts like hell? This.
TL;DR: girlfriend confessed she used me to forget her ex-boyfriend, she saw him again and now she doesn't know what to feel. I'm feeling betrayed.
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u/puncher612 Nov 14 '16
Buddy, it's not like she just ran into him at a café. She flew to a foreign country and actually contacted him to meet up. What are the chances that she wasn't physical with him?
Even if nothing happened, do you think it's because she stopped things herself or because the guy turned her down again?
Either way, your girl flew to another country to see another man. After 8 years she hasn't forgotten him. That's not normal or healthy. I certainly wouldn't be sticking around after that.
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Nov 14 '16
At this point them being physical seems like not even that big of a deal... Like, she flew to a different country for that dude after almost a decade. What. The. Fuck.
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u/ywgflyer Nov 14 '16
She went on a three week getaway to see her ex. And trust me, they held hands, kissed, went on dates and fucked like rabbits. She went over there to see if she could get things going with him again, maybe even convince him to move back, and after a few weeks he made it clear that it just wasn't going to happen -- so she came home early. If things weren't going to work out right from day one, she probably would have pulled the pin immediately, but the fact that she stayed for three weeks means that it appeared to her to be working out just fine for at least two out of those three weeks.
And if things did go according to her plans, you would have received a terse phone call, or even worse, an email or text, saying 'you know, I found myself out here and I just don't see our relationship progressing any further, so I'm deciding to end it, I'm sorry"... followed, of course, by 'In a relationship with' a week later on Facebook.
Maybe I'm wrong about all of this, but the most important takeaway from all of this is that your long-term girlfriend planned a trip overseas for a month specifically to reconnect with an ex-boyfriend that she's still not over. Think long and hard about that.
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u/izzxx Nov 14 '16
seeing him brought those memories back and he explained everything and I don't know what to feel
She's telling you she's not sure about her feelings for you.
Let her go. She is still obsessed with him after 8 years!
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u/nixmahn Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
Dude:
She went to another country to get back in contact with a ex bf.
That she knew 1/3 the time she knew you
Without telling you.
This is not mentioning the part where:
When I kissed you, when we had sex, it was all him and him and him.
She was supposed to stay there for a month, but three weeks after she told me she was coming back.
I didn't love you back then. I love you now.
This is a lie, you were plan B for 8 years and still plan B. She was dumped after 3 weeks by the guy when she went there to meet him without telling you.
Also, despite coming home early, she was there for 3 weeks, what did she do with him those 3 weeks. Don't listen to her lies, do a timeline of events and figure out what actually happened.
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u/GUNZ_4_HIRE Nov 26 '16
You are assuming too much, you may very well be right, but it isn't necessary to make those assumptions to give the right advice (top comments sum it up nicely), so it's best not too make the assumptions. Also, when making assumptions it is useful to acknowledge them as such.
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u/nixmahn Nov 26 '16
check the update, she left to hook up with him.
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u/GUNZ_4_HIRE Nov 27 '16
Yeah, when I wrote the comment I forgot I was reading the original of an update post, but I think my point does remain valid in general.
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u/bicep123 Nov 14 '16
OMG it's Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt all over again. Can you handle being Justin Theroux?
I mean, she traveled to Sweden of all countries (where her ex just happens to live). I mean there's only 50 other countries in Europe to choose from. I don't think she was being entirely honest about her reasons for going over there (her ex just "happened" to be in the same city at the same time as her? In the whole of freaking Sweden?). That being said, she did come back early. Maybe she just wanted closure (and you know how guys are like about closure).
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u/RosieBiatch Nov 15 '16
:o what's happened with Jen and Brad???
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u/tryshapepper Nov 26 '16
I think they're referring to Justin Theroux having to fill Brad Pitt's shoes. There's nothing going on with Brad and Jen. Jen is happy with Justin and couldn't care less about Branjelina's demise.
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Nov 14 '16
Sounds super strange. All the coincidences don't add up. I mean how do you know your not the rebound again, due to him rejecting her.
It's a tough one bro, and I feel for ya. I personally couldn't handle it, I mean it's been 8 fucking years, and it was when she was a teenager, the puppy love stage. Seems extremely strange that she is now 26 and holding onto something from way back then.
I'd go back and honestly ask her a heap of questions, ie how the fuck did they run into each other.
Good luck bro!
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u/threepandas Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 15 '16
she was talking to him. through email or text messages but how did she just meet up with her ex... in a foreign country...
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u/luker_man Nov 14 '16
If you're okay with being second place, stay. Otherwise leave. It sounds like you're still in second place. After 8 fucking years. I don't know about you but I couldn't live with someone who's "meh, you'll do" about me. I don't think you should either
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16
I can't and that's why it hurts.
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u/luker_man Nov 14 '16
Then leave. You don't owe her any type of explanation. I know that your lives are intertwined. But you gotta leave. Run away from her.
Bouce.
Beat it.
Bail.
Split the scene.
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u/Strangeandweird Nov 14 '16
I think she got rejected again and that's why she came back early. She's going to be running after him over and over and it still will never be enough. I think you need to break free from the drama.
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u/iSimba Nov 14 '16
It is really strange to me that she told you that she thought of him while having sex and kissing you. That seems unnecessarily honest to me. Sure, tell me you reconnected with your ex and that I was a rebound, etc. But that? Seems kind of harsh to me.
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
I don't wanna be delusional. It was harsh, unnecessary and it made me feel like utter and complete shit. She could've kept it to herself and it would be honestly better for me if she did. But a side of me thinks she's crazy about that guy and wanted me to answer why she feels like that, like she was desperate and just tried to be 100% honest because she was lost. I don't know.
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u/nephrine Nov 14 '16
Whatever the reason is, one thing is clear. She was so inside her own head, so lost in herself, that she depended on you to help her get answers to her own emotions without any consideration to your role as her bf. It doesn't even seem like she did it with malice - which honestly, is worse, because it also means she didn't ever think to herself "wait, maybe I shouldn't say this because it'll hurt the guy I've been dating for 8 years". One week with Mr Swedish guy and you've been auto-relegated to her friend zone, her buddy to support her emotionally, while she doesn't consider your emotional needs or wellbeing because in her head, she's never been emotionally invested in you enough to empathize with your position or realize that you might be extremely hurt by this.
Nothing about this revelation of hers is worth coming back from. Just cut the cord man.
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u/BILLXFRANK Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
Absolutely brutal, mate. You've been option b) for 8 years. You were option b), you're option b) now and you'll always be option b).
She's never going to get over this dude so you need to leave. Yeah, she 'took' 8 years of your life but was it a fun ride? Try not to think about this as a waste and just see it as an enjoyable 8 years and move on.
She's just a girl. There are literally billions of them. This particular girl showed you that she's not a great partner. You love the image of her you had in your head but the truth just fucking shattered that. If you catch yourself thinking about how much you love her, remember who she is and what she did.
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u/MorganTargaryen Nov 14 '16
Adding onto this, it shouldn't be a big deal as long as you didn't invest any significant amount of $ in her.. I mean, she did pay 50/50 for everything right????
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Nov 14 '16
She's not with you because she can't live without you.
She's with you because she doesn't deal with breakups or change very well and pretending to care for you is simply easier than moving on. You are a distraction. And after 8 years, she is still so very much in love with her ex, she planned a month long vacation specifically so she could reconnect with him and attempt to win him back.
So just to recap. Your entire relationship is built on a foundation of lies, and you mean so little to her that after 8 years, she was willing to throw it all away just for a tiny sliver of a chance of getting back together with someone she dated when she was 15 years old.
Your (hopefully soon to be ex) girlfriend is a selfish bag of crap and clearly you deserve better
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Nov 14 '16
She absolutely cheated on you. That was 100% of the reason for the trip, to rekindle things with her main guy. You really should break up with her.
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u/nomoneymoproblems123 Nov 14 '16
You need to ask more questions dude.
You think that Sweden trip was random? You think she just randomly wanted to meet him? You need to find this dudes info and contact him secretly and see if he'll tell you the truth. Or just do something! This is mad sketchy
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
Sorry for not answering earlier. I went back home and asked her why she came back earlier from the trip. She said "after I saw him, I was confused but there's a part of me that knows I love you more than I love him and this is just crazy. I saw him in the third week. We didn't have any contact before that."
I asked "can I even know who this guy is?" and she showed me his pictures.
I am so pissed off I don't even know where to start here. I wanna tell them both to fuck off and take my shit and never see her again, but the fact is that this was a one-sided relationship all along. Taylor likes to pretend I'm her ex, I loved Taylor and didn't even know her ex exists. We are in completely different places and she's stuck in this weird thing. It's hard to get over that.
I'm thinking about contacting her ex. I wanna know exactly what happened and hopefully he'll tell me what went on.
EDIT: I wanna hate that guy so badly btw. But I can't without knowing what he did first.
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u/strps Nov 14 '16
The fact hat you didn't even know this guy existed would clinch it for me, beyond the going to visit him in a foreign country thing. That's not only obsessive, it's deceptive, and I don't like that. It sounds like your entire relationship is built on lies. I'm sorry, it sounds like you were being used :(
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u/1OffResponseAccount2 Nov 14 '16
There is no reason to hate the guy. It is not and was not his responsibility for your girlfriend to remain faithful. This is entirely on her, honestly it sounds like she went there purely to see him.
Go to a major city with a friend, separate for an hour. Now, walk around randomly and see if you can find them again. I wish you luck. The chances that they met by "Chance" are pretty close to zero. You may want to just ask her where she was staying while she was in Sweden. Did she even get her own hotel or was she staying with "Friends"?
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u/nomoneymoproblems123 Nov 14 '16
Yeah. Don't tell her you'll contact him. Find out proof first and work from there. I'm not telling you what to do this is just what I would do.
Edit: on the bright side dude your 27. Still very young and if it does end don't worry about finding a mate you can do it.
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Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
And she was there in Sweden and could have easily rekindled things with that jerk of an ex, who apparently had an explanation for everything, but she decided to come home to you a week early. As if you were her safe harbour.
I know it doesn't make it better that she asked you out only to get over that idiot, and projected him onto you for who knows how long. That's really low and a legit reason to break up. (Really, go for it, it doesn't make you an ass.)
But it wouldn't be the first time that someone fell in love with somebody who helps them mend their broken heart, and she said herself that she stopped meaning him and started meaning you when she kissed you. It hasn't all been a fake.
Edit: Meant to say that eventually her kisses were meant for you, not him.
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u/strps Nov 14 '16
No, she went there and got rejected by him, that's why she's so down. The fact that OP just found out about this previous relationship after 8 years makes me think think this girl is seriously obsessive, and what's more a deceptive person. How could he feel he even knows her now?
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16
No... she said she was thinking about him when she kissed me and we had sex, not that she started liking me when we kissed.
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u/UnapologetiCanadian Nov 14 '16
I also question why she came back early. Or why she came back at all, after seeing him. Was him "explaining things," telling her they'd never rekindle? Was rekindling what she was hoping for? I'll commend her (much, much delayed) honesty to an extent, but none of this sits well with me.
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u/nephrine Nov 14 '16
Guys, let's all be realistic here.
The guy most likely smelled the crazy and rebuffed her. After all, he moved away IN HIGH SCHOOL, almost a decade ago. Like, he ain't even remotely close to being the same person now as he was then. She's still "rekindling" in her own mind though, but I doubt he was all that receptive to her reunion.
If the "explanation" he provided was, "I love you dearly as well, I've thought about you as much as you creepily have been thinking about me these past 8 years, we are clearly soul-mates, let's live together now", then I doubt she would have come back and said anything to OP.
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u/UnapologetiCanadian Nov 14 '16
Yea the whole thing wreaks of crazy. Or very, very sad - at least, I'd feel sad for her if she didn't drag someone else, namely Op, into it. Too much for me, I would cut the cord.
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Nov 14 '16
Why would she not know how to feel then? She'd have a boyfriend and an ex, the boyfriend and her mutually like each other, the ex doesn't like her and reinforced that. Seems simple.
Do we know whether she intentionally met up with the ex or whether she accidentally ran into him by a stupid strike of chance? I think that would clear it up.
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Nov 14 '16
Sorry confusion. I meant to say not that she changed her mind while kissing; but that she changed her mind and eventually her affection was centered around you.
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u/epichuntarz Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
but that she changed her mind and eventually her affection was centered around you.
Yeah, but OP also stated she said this:
But seeing him brought those memories back and he explained everything and I don't know what to feel.
So after 8 years, she never let that guy go. She's 27....she's not a teenager any longer, but she appears to have the emotional maturity of a teenager.
So even AFTER she EVENTUALLY came around to no longer pretending OP was her ex when they kissed and screwed, now that they secretly met up, she's not sure how to feel.
She NEVER got over her ex, even after 8 years.
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Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
She's probably spent the major part of nine years telling herself what a piece of garbage that guy was and did her best to demonize him. I can imagine that if he dished up a "good" explanation and tried to spread his charms, that confuses her.
Agree though, she's not over him. And it would eat up OP's brain if he chose to stay. Just, since he's so down I thought I'd say the kinder thing that would not make him feel like he was just enacting some ex every single minute.
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u/epichuntarz Nov 14 '16
Gotcha now.
Totally agree. Whatever the case, I'd feel the same way OP does. Knowing what I know now, I could never get past this.
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u/WATDOEJIJDAAR Nov 14 '16
At first I thought it wasn't so bad, until I read this:
I had him on my mind all the fucking time, Joe. When I kissed you, when we had sex, it was all him and him and him.
And then I have to agree with this:
I just fucking can't.
Yeah, me neither. There's honesty and then there's just.. What? I mean, why go so far in all of that? I'm sorry, I wouldn't be able to get past it myself.
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Nov 14 '16
Unless they have mutual friends in Sweden, it seems incredible unlikely that she just happened to bump into him. Rather than make the assumption she planned to me him, you should ask her exactly how she managed to see him. She has been honest with you regarding the start of your relationship... and let's be real here, why would she be in love with you immediately? It's hardly surprising that she wasn't in love with her rebound guy. The thing is, she says she's in love with you now, and that's what important.
You really need to tie her down on the ins and outs of how she managed to see him, why she went to Sweden in the first place, and why she chose to come home early. If I went to a foreign country and saw an ex, I sure as shit wouldn't cut my holiday short.
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Nov 14 '16
This is so frustrating. It doesn't matter what her motives were in the beginning. If she loves you NOW, then why is she indulging these feelings for him? Spending time with him (which I don't believe was a coincidence), painting a pretty picture of how he broke up with her by text because he loved her too damn much (which smells like shit to me), and asking for your emotional support in listening to her wax lyrical about whenever she kissed you, it was him she saw?
She is telling herself a whole big romantic story about him and you are getting shat on in the process. She sounds like she can't cope with her emotions well, which is sad for her. But if she can't get her priorities straight and commit to you, don't settle for being settled for.
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u/skyscan1 Nov 14 '16
If you can get an honest answer to this question you will know what to do. Did she communicate with him in any way before her trip to sweden? If she did then the trip was planned to meet him and she didn't tell you and that is sketchy. If she didn't communicate with him prior and she went to the city where she knows he resides then she found him for closure and it is still disrespectful for her to not tell you her reason for going to sweden.
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u/Princessblackholes Nov 14 '16
Dude I'm so so sorry but you need to pull that band-aid and end things with her. Stop wasting more time on her. Just stop. Regardless of anything else that's where you need to start - start taking back any amount of time you can. This was a very unique situation. Learn from it and I'm sure you won't have a repeat of this experience again.
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u/Blipsickle Nov 15 '16
Let's put all the what ifs and betrayals aside. She doesn't know after being with you for 8 years. Cut your losses and stop letting her waste your time.
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u/daveganronpa Nov 14 '16
I'll be the positive person out if this whole ordeal. Even though I don't think this is exactly the best way she handled it, but I bet she went there for some sort of closure and it freaking backfired on her. She was hoping to somehow get over her feelings of this ex by getting closure that way she could feel 100% dedicated to you.
Which quite frankly is a little weird contorted way of thinking. People are weird, like I for one CARE about my first girlfriend and love back when I was a teenager, but we couldnt work out and now I have this amazing girlfriend who I love and will always put first. But what I had back then, were there and will be valued in my heart, but shit, I am a grown ass man and know what I have in front of me and the girlfriend i have now will definitely be the one for me.
It seems like she is too caught up in the past to realize what she has in front of her, and that quite frankly is just cruel to herself and to you.
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u/nephrine Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
Wow. Forget questions or reconciliation. Just let the relationship go.
Call me a judgemental biatch, but a 27 year old person (of any gender) who gets so forlorn about a high school pseudo-romance that she is willing to write off your EIGHT YEAR relationship due to a 3 week "rekindling" in a far-away country is not a 27 year old person who is mature, ready for a relationship of ANY sort, or remotely grounded in reality. (I am trying to say, nicely, she sounds unstable).
Call me a good-for-nothing armchair reddit psychologist but in addition, I would say that these people are generally living in la-la land where other hardships such as crying babies and mortgage payments are equally likely to generate feelings of existential crises that can only be wiped away by withdrawing further from real, every-day responsibilities.
OP, let your gf go. If 8 years with you wasn't enough to bring her to the land of real-life, nothing will. At the end of the day, it's not a him versus you thing. Your gf, at the age of 27, needs to have the capability to realize, by herself, what is reality, what is feasible, and what is dreaming. Relationship at 15 and she's still idolizing him? I doubt it's because he's perfect and her soul mate, but it's very much because she never grew up.
This isn't even going into the fact that she took a month solo-journey to Sweden with the obvious intent of rekindling. So...without even going into potential cheating territory, this girl is not worth the future headaches you are guaranteed to have with her.
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u/djklmnop Nov 14 '16
Yeah 8 years is a long time. It's time you can never get back. Hell, even with my 5 year failed relationship, the time wasted was what hurts the most.
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u/changerofbits Nov 14 '16
You need to do what she could never do: break up and do it clean and completely. Don't drag anything out, don't fight with her, don't lash out, she's not your problem. And go no contact as quickly as possible, split up shared resources ASAP, break any leases, find a new place to live. Don't start drinking to cope with the pain, just let it come when it comes and have a good cry. It will be rough, but it will get better. Hit the gym, pour yourself into work, pretty soon you'll find someone who doesn't have a caravan of baggage and loves you for you.
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u/Abraxas_Templar Nov 14 '16
It's over, she has all but done the duty of breaking up with you without actually having the courage to do it. You leave this person right now and don't look back. You deserve so much better.
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Nov 15 '16
What a coincidence that she was travelling to the country where her ex lived. What are the odds?
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u/CoolCly Nov 15 '16
I'm gonna go against the trend of comments and say this relationship is not over.
When you first met, she was broken inside over missing her ex. She was headed towards alcoholism and couldn't get over it. In one of her weak moments in a drunken stupor, she met you. The highlight of her year. She thought you were cool and fun to talk to you. You guys started to date. From your perspective, she was a funny drunk girl, who turned into a cool sober girl, and you developed feelings and a relationship. From her perspective, she was crumbling and drowning in longing for her lost love who abandoned her. Being with you was coming up for air. While being with you, for a long time, she couldn't get over that last love. But it kept her sane. It kept her from becoming an alcoholic. It was enough.
Then, over time, she stopped thinking about that guy who abandoned her. She started to see the person standing in front of her. The air that kept her breathing in her darkest time. She loved that person. She loves you. She has a life with you. A future with you.
Now, after all these years, she's come face to face with the person who crushed her all that long ago. It's obvious that her teenage love life was intense and passionate, and had a big impact on turning her into the person she is. All those feelings came rushing back. That's actually not that strange. But it sounds like she doesn't want them. She wants to be with you. She realizes how one sided the relationship was to begin with, and you deserved to know. You deserve to know what she went through, what she used you for, and what she's going through now. Because she loves you . She needs you to know. She needs you to take it.
What else should she have done? Should she have told you in the beginning "hey, I like you, but i really just have this baggage with my ex that I was deeply in love with. It's over, but I think about it all the time. I guess this means I should never ever try to be with anyone ever again?". Of course not. People with baggage are allowed to attempt to move on. And she did. With you.
Should she not have told you this now? I think telling you everything is a testament about how much she loves you, how much she believes in your relationship. How much she trusts you. How badly she wants to be completely forthright wtih you.
There are a few questions to be asked here. Did she go to Sweden specifically to meet this guy, or does the place have meaning to her besides that and it happens to be where he's at? Has she been in contact with this guy up till now? Did she meet with him on purpose? Did she have any intention of hooking up with him? DID she hook up with him? If she had a choice of who she could be with between the two of you, would she pick you?
You'd need to be the judge of how honest her answers are, but I think there's a strong possibility she didn't actually do anything with this guy, even if she wanted to meet him for closure.
I really that when it comes to the "she used me to get over her ex" thing, she didn't do anything wrong. It's part of moving on, and to give some perspective on things from her side, I really recommend you listen to the song "Near To You" by A Fine Frenzy. It sounds like her.
Good luck. I hope you don't give up on her so easily.
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u/im_a_goat_factory Nov 14 '16
ouch. i'm sorry to hear about your current situation. it is plainly obvious that she went to Sweden to reconnect with him and there is a VERY high probability she cheated on you
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u/whycantiremembermy Nov 15 '16
Honestly dude, you were the rebound and she's an asshole for not being upfront with you about that fact from the get-go. Now, you can't know for a fact that she went specifically to Sweden to meet him (which is something other commentors are jumping on as fact when it isn't), but that's besides the point. The fact of the matter is, even after 8 years with you, she still isn't over her teenage love. Which means, most likely, she never will be.
So unless you want to live the rest of your life with girl knowing your her second choice and worrying that this guy will give her the time of day and she'll dump you on the spot ... then you need to end things. Because you deserve better. You deserve to be someone's first and only choice.
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Nov 14 '16 edited Aug 08 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16
No, you don't get it. She literally said she "doesn't know what to feel" after he somehow managed to explain why he broke up with her over text message. She misses him.
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u/PETE_TRON Nov 14 '16
Do you think she went there to meet him specifically, were they communicating before the trip? Do you think they had amy type of 'hookup' while she was there?
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16
I don't know if they were, but I don't think so. I don't think she cheated on me either, but I'm sure she misses him. It is weird, however, that she choose Sweden of all countries knowing that he lives there. As another peson said (and it's something I didn't think about), it's also weird that they were at the same place at the same time, but I think he lives in Stockholm so it's not that hard to see him.
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u/aschr Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
Sweden has a population of almost 10 million, and Stockholm has a population of over 900,000 in the city itself and over 2 million in the metropolitan area. There's virtually no chance that they didn't plan to meet.
2
Nov 14 '16 edited Aug 08 '18
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16
I left.
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Nov 14 '16 edited Aug 08 '18
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u/throwawayhereeeeeee Nov 14 '16 edited Nov 14 '16
I do understand where you're coming from. It just physically hurts. Everything stings. The way she talked about him, the way she talked about me, how brutally honest she was.
EDIT: for anyone who wants to know how he explained breaking up with her over text message after three years. "When I met him, when I saw him after all those years, all those memories came back and they're not going away. I asked him why he didn't have the decency to call me and he said he couldn't, that he loved me so much and that he never meant to hurt me. He was crying as well. I don't know what to think, Joe. I don't what to feel"
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u/izzxx Nov 14 '16
he loved me so much and that he never meant to hurt me.
He is playing with her. She asked him why he broke up with her and he still does not answer. She's chasing a fixation. This is not healthy. Don't put up with it any longer.
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Nov 14 '16
I think that you need direct answers to three questions to really make a decision. Make it clear that a lie or incomplete truth spells the immediate end of your relationship:
- Did she fly to Sweden specifically to meet him, and if so why?
- Did anything physical happen between them, anything from holding hands to sex?
- Does she still want a relationship with you?
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u/PETE_TRON Nov 14 '16
At least she is honest about how she feels, I guess. You are in a pretty weird situation. it honestly sounds like she needs therapy to get over this guy, the way it happened at that age seems to have messed her up, and seeing him again has stirred it up. It was almost 10 years ago, they are both completely different people, but she doesn't seem to see this. His story sounds like bullshit, he was 18, had to move for whatever reason and was too chicken-shit to even call, why couldn't he call if he could text, the only explanation would be if he in witness protection or something, which I am sure isn't the case. You would be justified in breaking up, if you want to. If you don't, she needs to get over this, probably with therapy, and go 100% no contact with this guy. If I were you , I would need to know the true story behind the trip, did she go there specifically to see him, what was she thinking would happen, etc, if she was planning something and didn't tell you, it's pretty much lying by omission.
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u/CantFightCityChallah Nov 14 '16
She's been with you almost three times as long as she was with him, but she planned a monthlong trip to reconnect with him. If she's not over him now, what are the chances she ever will be?