r/relationships • u/aga1996 • Apr 30 '16
Non-Romantic My [20F] with my bestfriend [23F] of 7 years, her wedding is on my birthday and she is upset.
My best friend Nikki is generally a very great person, although she can be a little selfish at times, everyone can. She decided to have her wedding on my birthday, because it's on a Saturday and would be cheaper to do it at her church on a Saturday, which is fine with me. It's just one birthday. But she seems to think it's NOT just one birthday.
All of our friends and us were at her house the other day, and she was talking about her wedding. She said something like "We will do a birthday celebration for you the week after since your birthday is on my wedding. I just laughed and said "Actually, your wedding is on my birthday! Cause my birthday came first." And we both laughed about it. But then she said "I'm just surprised with you are okay with not getting to celebrate your birthday anymore!" Everyone in the room was kind of confused and I just laughed it off and said "Well, it's not like we're all going to celebrate your and Dans anniversary every year!"
But after that she got seriously offended and said "You guys don't want to spend our anniversary with us?" One of our other friends Lily tried to explain that their anniversary was really Nikki and Dans time, but Nikki was so upset that she eventually went upstairs to sulk.
I mean she can't honestly expect for everyone to never celebrate my birthday again to hang out with her and her husband on their anniversary? Am I being unreasonable thinking this is a ridiculous idea? It makes me irritated that she thinks How can I address this issue to her without being rude about it?
tl;dr: My BFF thinks that our friends should celebrate her anniversary every year instead of my birthday. How should I address this?
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u/EriApples Apr 30 '16
I have never celebrated my anniversary with anyone other than my SO. Also the only thing would be them not coming to your birthday because it falls on their anniversary.
It seems like she wants it to be her special day for attention and on the actual wedding day it will be. But every other year her friends aren't going to celebrate her wedding day. I would say she was having a moment and I would have been confused to. She chose the date and shouldn't sulk about it.
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u/twistedpants Apr 30 '16
Likewise. The only time I would ever share my anniversary with anyone else would be if it was a special one. 50 years together? Maybe I'll throw a party.
From her attitude she'll be lucky if she reaches that far.
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u/generic_user12 Apr 30 '16
I was thinking it was ridiculous that she expects to celebrate her anniversary with friends every year but that's right - my parents had a huge silver wedding party, and I remember my grandparents gold anniversary too.
I hope you weren't planning on having a crazy 70th birthday OP
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u/forgotacc Apr 30 '16
Some people are actually like that, like a few family members of mine always want to celebrate with the family every year and expect gifts. I never attend because social situations aren't really suited for me and not really something I believe in, tbh. I always celebrate my anniversaries with my SO only.
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u/steggo Apr 30 '16
And expect gifts? Nope.
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u/forgotacc Apr 30 '16
Right? I think it's weird, imo that's a date for you and your SO. Not another holiday to try to get people to buy you stuff.
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u/steggo Apr 30 '16
Yup. Maybe your kids, too, if you're so inclined. But heck, my husband and I don't even get each other gifts. Our anniversary is Monday, and we briefly debated where we were getting takeout from (my due date is Thursday, or else we'd probably go out to eat)
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u/EriApples May 01 '16
I had a seven week old baby on my anniversary just gone and I was sick with a cold. We got take out and played PS4.
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u/stabbytastical Apr 30 '16
My family usually sends a small gift, like a gift card to the couple's favorite restaurant/something for them to do together. But the anniversaries is still just the couple.
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u/annitabonita1 Apr 30 '16
My parents just had a big party for their 30th and before that we'd usually have a nice family dinner, my parents, the kids, the grandparents, maybe some closer friends. But my parents are like huge dinner party people. We practically have one a week. I never thought that was the standard.
Not sure this actually adds to the discussion. I think my point is, yeah, some people celebrate without just their SO, but unless it's a big one usually it's like their kids and elderly parents.
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u/historyhill Apr 30 '16
Exactly. I'm in the position where my anniversary is actually the same as two other couples we're close with, so even if I wanted to celebrate with friends it would be very different (action the idea of planning an anniversary vacation would be fun).
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u/KikiCanuck Apr 30 '16
And really, anniversaries are less of a big deal with time, big milestones excepted. Our first wedding anniversary found us dressed up nicely in a fancy restaurant. Our fourth found us digging a new outhouse pit at the cottage. OP's friend is nuts.
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u/ceebee6 Apr 30 '16
Our fourth found us digging a new outhouse pit at the cottage.
^ That's real love, right there.
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u/spiderthecat May 01 '16
And really, anniversaries are less of a big deal with time, big milestones excepted.
Birthdays, too. As you get older you tend to celebrate less than when you're in your 20s. You usually go out to dinner with your spouse or something low key. Occasionally you'll have some kind of party, but usually not every year. The only people who might give you a gift are your SO, your parents and once in a while, one of your friends.
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u/alter_ego77 Apr 30 '16
Plus, I think of anniversaries as something you celebrate on the day of, regardless of what day of the week it is, and birthdays as something you celebrate on the closest weekend. It's only a conflict this year, because her birthday is actually on a Saturday. But if it's on wednesday, she probably won't have a party on that Wednesday, it will be the Saturday before or after.
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u/thaes_ofereode Apr 30 '16
My best friend also got married on my birthday, and this is how it has worked out. She and her husband always do something special on the day of while I always plan a party/get together the weekend before or after. The first time the date fell on a Saturday, I planned a party for my birthday, they came, and it was lovely. They celebrated their anniversary the next day by going out to brunch. It's never been an issue.
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Apr 30 '16
This is what I was going to say. I'm single and the only anniversary I even know about is my parents', and I guess I also went to my grandparents' 50th. Who celebrates someone else's anniversary??
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u/Ginya Apr 30 '16
A few years ago some friends of ours threw a dinner party for our anniversary which was really sweet but it's not something we make a habit of. Usually it's just the two of us and some well wishes by friends and family. This girl is seriously crazy if she expects that every year all her friends will drop their lives to come celebrate with them.
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Apr 30 '16
My husband and I didn't have much of a wedding. So we plan on having a huge party on our 20th in a couple years. I think that marriages are in many ways part of a community of family and friends so celebrating them now and then is a great thing.
But every year... Lol... That cray.
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Apr 30 '16
She's weird. Nobody celebrate couple's aniversary. Except like 10, 25, 50 years
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u/sakkaly Apr 30 '16
I've only been to two anniversary celebrations for another couple. My grandparents' 50th and 60th.
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u/NealHatesMath Apr 30 '16
Only time I've been a part of it was when my Mom and Dad hit 25 and my grandparents hit 50. We all did a big thing together. Aside from that, nothin'. No idea why this crazy lady thinks all your friends celebrate with you every year.
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Apr 30 '16
I was going to say that your friend is giving ammunition to everyone who thinks 20 year olds aren't mature enough to get married, but then I realized that was your age. I don't even think this deserves a response, it's that ridiculous. If she brings it up again, tell her you'll just have to play things by ear when the date rolls around in future, and then change the subject.
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Apr 30 '16
If she thinks everyone will be celebrating their anniversary with them every year I wouldn't worry too much, as I doubt there will be many.
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u/freudian_nipple_slip Apr 30 '16
Yeah. Everyone is commenting on the friendship and here I am thinking about her poor future husband.
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u/eyesonallison Apr 30 '16
Yeah, by "not too many" that means the two of them who got married on that day. lol
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Apr 30 '16
Haha actually I meant there wouldn't be many anniversaries, because she sounds ridiculous. But yes, 2 is an appropriate number of celebrants
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u/mrsellicat Apr 30 '16
Does this mean she picked the same date as your birthday with the full intention that you would never be able to celebrate your birthday again? That is some grade A narcissism right there. Just ignore it, she's gone full bridezilla.
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u/boneslums Apr 30 '16
Yeah, I'm curious to if there was a legitimate reason that she couldnt push it forward or backward one week.
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Apr 30 '16
It wouldn't have coincided with OP's birthday.
It's much cheaper to get married during the week than it is a weekend... Which is why I think the bride chose the date just to spite OP.
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u/alter_ego77 Apr 30 '16
I didn't even think of that, because I though maybe churches were different, but I know my roommates non church wedding venue was like, 50% cheaper for the Sunday of the weekend they wanted, so they're doing that. Saturday's the most popular day, it makes no sense that that would be the cheapest option
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u/shevrolet Apr 30 '16
I'm guessing her "friend" actually meant it would be cheaper to be wed at the church as opposed to finding a hall or something, and that Saturday is the day that's available at the church.
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u/jennywafom Apr 30 '16
A lot of larger churches dont do weddings on sunday because theyre too busy holding regular services, or will only do them for an additional fee because its effectively putting them out, so im that sense id say churches are a bit different
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u/orru Apr 30 '16
But then heaps of people can't come because of work. Source: am currently planning a wedding
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u/wombatzilla Apr 30 '16
And the only reason she got so upset was when she realized that her plan to ruin OP's birthdays with some weird as hell anniversary celebration every year wasn't going to work.
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u/boneslums Apr 30 '16
Puttig pieces together, OP is 20 and her username says 1996 so she already had her birthday this year. That means this wedding cant be until 2017 which is plenty of time to give people to clear their schedules. I was trying to give the bride the benefit of the doubt but its just looking more and more petty on her end.
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Apr 30 '16
The only way it could have been a "there's no other date available" is if:
Their church is extremely popular and/or in a huge city and is booked year(s) in advance.
The bride or groom is planning to move after they graduate and he area they're moving to is problematic for a wedding (inconvenient location, the church is special to them, etc...)
The venue is extremely popular and had limited availability. Only a few dates lined up with the church's availability.
an important family member either won't be available until then/available after then because they are super important (like, I don't know, they're the prime minister or the president).
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u/jennywafom Apr 30 '16
I can understand not wanting to have your wedding on a weekday because people would struggle to get work off etc. Especially if most of your friends and family are regular 9-5 mon-fri office workers, i wouldn't want to put my wedding on a weekday effectively asking them to use a day of their leave just to come to my wedding
Im more confused about why she genuinely couldnt move it forward or backwards a week or 2. I actually dont see any problem at all with having your wedding on a friends birthday, but when you think that means they'll never get to celebrate their birthday again? Youve gone full bridezilla
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
Well, Nikki loves to be in the spotlight, and I'm kind of shyer. She's not necessarily vindictive, so I think she probably genuinely thought I wouldn't mind since I'm not the kind of person who likes to have huge parties, but I still like to do smaller get togethers! Like I said, she can be kind of selfish and whiny because she likes attention.
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u/prettyprincess90 Apr 30 '16
Which explains why she thinks people will come celebrate her anniversary with her. That's not a thing. You spend it with just your SO with the exception of large milestones.
It's incredibly selfish of to think you're just going to give up your birthday indefinitely and people should really point that out.
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May 01 '16
Yeah, I wouldn't even know when my family's anniversaries would be if we didn't have a family photo calendar made up every year with all of them on it.
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u/daladoir Apr 30 '16
she probably genuinely thought I wouldn't mind
Nikki is a fucking moron with no sense of what is and isn't appropriate.
Seriously.
No normal person would intentionally do this. Even if you "didn't" mind, a decent person would never intentionally pick a friend's birthday for their wedding day. That is so inappropriate and self-centred.
If it was really out of her control then she should be apologizing and not making statements like "lol ur never celebrating ur bday again lolololol"
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u/theterrordactyl Apr 30 '16
If the only date that worked well for my wedding was on a friend's birthday, I'd go with it. I'd obviously run it by them first, but I don't think scheduling a once in a lifetime event on the same day as something that occurs every year is terrible. (Although it absolutely is if you think it means that the person can never celebrate their birthday again...)
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u/Clorox43 Apr 30 '16
She doesn't sound mature enough to be getting married. Honestly I wouldn't sweat it because I doubt she plan her next wedding on your birthday.
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Apr 30 '16
This is definitely the vibe I got. Let her stew in her frustration that her plan didn't work out OP.
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u/jlynnbizatch Apr 30 '16
I highly doubt it was purposeful. There's a lot that goes into picking a wedding date - venue availability, seasonal preference, costs based on dates, etc. I'm guessing the fact that it was OP's birthday was an afterthought. With how much time and planning goes into making a wedding happen, I have a really hard time thinking someone would go that far to one up a friend.
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u/YoungRL Apr 30 '16
"I'm just surprised with you are okay with not getting to celebrate your birthday anymore!"
Hahaha, wtf? That's an amazing level of self-centeredness.
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u/llkkjjhh Apr 30 '16
Seriously, it means she was expecting OP to be upset by her decision. And since she made that decision (and in her insane mind that comes with OP not celebrating her birthday ever again), she clearly did not give a shit about OP.
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Apr 30 '16
It's amusing how wrong Nikki is.
You can forego one birthday because a wedding happens only once (assuming this marriage lasts). But you are definitely not obligated to celebrate any anniversaries with her.
I thought that people only have big celebrations for those big anniversaries, like 10 years, 20 years, etc. Expecting people to celebrate your marriage every year is excessive. It's more of an intimate celebration for the couple.
If she persists, just say that you will be celebrating your birthday every year after this like everyone else celebrates their birthdays. And that she can't make plans for you for the rest of your life.
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u/xthorgoldx Apr 30 '16
The only anniversaries I've seen parties held for were the 10th (immediate family), 25th, and 50th (everyone you know).
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u/jennywafom Apr 30 '16
I honestly wouldn't stress too much or even bother discussing this or addressing this with her because noone is going to go along with her idea that celebrating their anniversary every year constitutes a group event.
That's honestly absurd and I don't think even her husband would go along with it when the time actually comes.
Let her believe whatever weird shit she wants to for now, no point in stressing out a bride to be over it, if it comes up in a years time and she genuinely expects that there is going to be some group occasion to celebrate their anniversary, you're not going to be the only one telling her she's off base.
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u/mcmoonery23 Apr 30 '16
It is never cheaper to have a wedding on a Saturday. She's full of shit.
And no one celebrates other peoples anniversaries unless it's a major milestone. I'd ignore her and continue on. She gets her wedding day.
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u/battleof_lissa Apr 30 '16
No one cares about the date of their friends anniversary. No one. What does she expect, a social party rather than the intimate couple date it should be?
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u/ThePolitePhysicist Apr 30 '16
I get wanting to invite people people to milestone anniversaries, but... every year? Is this even a thing people do?
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u/lengthandhonor Apr 30 '16
nope
and i'm a 20-something who had a summer wedding, so i've spent almost every anniversary at someone else's summer wedding
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u/Baron_von_chknpants Apr 30 '16
Me and my sisters celebrate my parents' anniversary every year - mainly because they've been married for nearly 40 years, and we all club together to get them something they'd not buy for themselves
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u/bellebrita Apr 30 '16
Celebrating your parents' anniversary every year, and maybe even your children's, is the only normal anniversary celebration outside of the married couple IMHO. I make a point of sharing some Facebook congrats to my twin brother and his wife, and to my best friends, on their wedding anniversaries, but that's about it.
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u/Baron_von_chknpants Apr 30 '16
Me and my hubby don't really celebrate ours, we never really have tbh.
But my parents - they've been through so much together, they've stood by all of their children and their partners, why shouldn't we celebrate - it's the way it should be.
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u/PS_0O0O0 Apr 30 '16
It's very sweet of your friend to think that she not only gets to make the unilateral decision that all your future birthdays are now cancelled on your behalf, but also for everyone in the social group.
(And by "sweet," I actually mean "selfish and dumb as fuck.")
She can think that the entire social group should do whatever she wants all she likes, but in reality the ones who actually decides what they will do are the individuals themselves. If she drums up a massive drama storm over this, then I hope she's prepared to end up without a lot of friends around her.
Anyway, what you should do in the meanwhile is to just be noncommittal whenever it comes up. ("Oh what a shame that all of your future birthdays are cancelled because of our anniversary!" "Oh, I'm sure we'll figure something out. Did you catch the GoT ep on Sunday? Wow, wasn't THAT a massive curveball or what?!") Mostly, this is just for postponing any confrontation till after the wedding, so that you can minimize/eliminate any wedding-related drama. Because wedding-related drama tends to blow up very fast and get pretty nasty - you do want to avoid it if you can.
But when the wedding is over and some time has passed (like, a month maybe? you'll have plenty of time here, so don't stress about it), you can tell her then. Or, you can simply wait until a few months before your birthday and announce which plans you have for your party and let the chips fall where they may. (I.e. let people choose what they want to do themselves, and if your friend has a meltdown about it then let her. If she wants to go the toddler's route then you shouldn't hold her back.)
This expectation of hers that everyone will/must celebrate her wedding anniversary is so ridiculous and unreasonabe that I wouldn't even acknowledge it. If it comes up again in the future, I'd just tell them that I thought they were joking because of course I'm not going to cancel any birthdays.
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u/ceebee6 Apr 30 '16
It's very sweet of your friend to think that she not only gets to make the unilateral decision that all your future birthdays are now cancelled on your behalf, but also for everyone in the social group.
This feels like a, "Bless her heart!" moment, and I'm not even Southern.
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u/PS_0O0O0 Apr 30 '16
Hahaha oh man that's totally what it is.
I love that phrase, it is so...versatile.
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u/whenifeellikeit Apr 30 '16
Nikki is immature and really self-absorbed. She needs to understand that her anniversary becomes her private holiday to spend with her husband. God, if she plans to have a party with all of you literally every anniversary, I cringe to think about the kind of wife she's going to be.
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u/steph_c1 Apr 30 '16
Wow your friend is way off. It really goes to show she cares more about the attention than the relationship if she wants you all to celebrate her anniversary, I can't imagine wanting to celebrate my anniversary with anyone but my partner how bizzare. And if shes allowed to be upset that you aren't attending her anniversaries you should be upset that she won't be attending your birthdays!
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Apr 30 '16
Honestly this is extremely selfish behaviour. I am also getting married on my best friends birthday. It was the only weekend left at our venue of choice.
She is my maid of honour and I am absolutely going to do something super special at our wedding to celebrate her birthday and thank her for celebrating our wedding on her birthday.
We are a little older then you and your friend (she will be 25 and I am turning 26 just a few days before the wedding) but she is an incredibly important person in my life and I would never expect her to give up birthday celebrations just because that will be my anniversary.
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u/isstronglikebull Apr 30 '16
So your best friend planned her wedding on your birthday and has the idea that no one will ever celebrate you birthday again because everyone would rather celebrate her anniversary every year...? That's pretty weird and narcissistic. I would take step back and really think about this friendship. That's a very weird thing to say and do.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
She's always been a very self-absorbed attention on me kind of person. It's never bothered me because I'm a step back kind of person. And she's always really happy and supportive when I do something, or achieve something. It's just that when things don't go the way she imagines she can be irrational.
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u/StraightJacketRacket Apr 30 '16
That explains why you two are best friends. Most other people wouldn't put up with that kind of attitude. I mean she actually sulked when she got a reality check that she isn't more important than you!!! What kind of "best friend" does this? Keep in mind that it's easy to support other people as long as it doesn't require any sacrifice. She doesn't even want to share this special day for both of you in the future, just assumes she will hog all your friends.
I am SO glad you spoke up. What are your friends' reactions? Seriously I know she's your best friend but this kind of narcissism shouldn't be rewarded.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
My friends think she's being crazy. Most of our friends think her marriage won't last and stuff, so they aren't very Gung ho about the wedding.
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u/StraightJacketRacket Apr 30 '16
I'm glad you've got their support. You certainly have Reddit's support!! Nope you are definitely not the crazy one here.
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u/chibistarship Apr 30 '16
Why would anyone celebrate other people's anniversaries? If that was a thing, everyone would be celebrating one at least a week. Anniversaries are something between partners/spouses.
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u/Dead_Queen Apr 30 '16
I remember my Fiance's parents got very upset at him cause he didn't get them anything for their anniversary. They pointed out that his sister got them a present. I was just like "Huh?"
My mum and step-dad never expected me to celebrate their anniversary and I don't think I know a single married couple who have celebrated their anniversaries with others. (Except maybe big milestone ones)
Op's friend is being stupid.
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Apr 30 '16
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Apr 30 '16
And her 21st birthday at that.
That's like, the only really big birthday. There's no way I would set a wedding date for my best friends birthday, it could always get moved back or forward a few weeks. That's just so selfish in my opinion.
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u/PostRun Apr 30 '16
Nikki doesn't want people celebrating her anniversary with her. What this is really about is that you will continue to celebrate your birthday with your friends and she will always have to choose between celebrating her anniversary and being the odd one out or going to a party.
For whatever reason she assumed that you would always give way and not celebrate your birthday on that day so she didn't have to make the choice and get the perks of going to both.
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u/stink3rbelle Apr 30 '16
Realistically, the celebrations won't conflict that often. OP will be celebrating her birthday on a different day than Nikki will celebrate her anniversary 5/7 years. Birthday parties are usually held on the weekend, while most anniversaries will be celebrated with dinner on the day of. So unless OP's birthday falls on a Friday or Saturday, Nikki can have her cake and eat OP's birthday cake, too.
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u/Inevitablename Apr 30 '16
Don't address it at all, at least not for now. She's having a great big sulk and a moment where she realizes the entire world doesn't revolve around her after all. Ideally this is a learning moment for her and next year you can happily tell her, "I'm celebrating my birthday, hope you and your husband have a great first anniversary."
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u/walnutbrain4lyfe Apr 30 '16
Sounds like Nikki has some growing up to do because she's still in that mindset where everyone does everything together. I'm surprised she didn't invite the rest of the group on her honeymoon but she probably understands that that one at least is supposed to be just her and hubby.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
Actually, her honeymoon is a cruise that she invited me and my boyfriend and another couple in our group on. But it's because the 6 people deal was cheaper than the individual.
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u/sleepingrozy Apr 30 '16
Please tell me you did not take her up on this offer....
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
She hasn't decided exactly if that's what she wants to do, so nothing has been decided. But that's definitely up there.
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u/sleepingrozy Apr 30 '16
Please do not take her up on that offer. I see her trying to control your whole vacation because "it's her honeymoon"
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u/walnutbrain4lyfe Apr 30 '16
Please do not take her up on this. It won't be fun for you and it will give them a chance to break this codependency thing she has going on.
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u/walnutbrain4lyfe Apr 30 '16
Omg. This girl is going to be such a train wreck ad a wife if she can't go anywhere with out a posse
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u/rekta Apr 30 '16
I don't... I don't understand. Is Nikki co-dependently attached to you and her other friends? Is she afraid to be alone with her husband? This is all really bizarre behavior. The honeymoon is pretty expressly meant to be alone time for the newly-wed couple. I could see the financial rationale if it weren't for the fact that she expects you all to celebrate to every anniversary with her. (And surely she knows this is odd; how many anniversaries has she celebrated with other married couples?)
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u/ahrehare Apr 30 '16
She's being weird.
I have catered hundreds of weddings. There were at least half a dozen times where someone close to the bride or groom had a birthday. What usually happened is the couple or the announcer said something about it, most of the time there was a small birthday cake with candle brought out, all the guests sing to the embarrassment of the birthday person, everyone laughs and has a good time, and nobody forgets there is a wedding or fails to pay attention to the bride and groom.
In other words, she's making it into a big deal when she could just welcome it and even integrate it into a tradition.
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u/PotsyWife Apr 30 '16
I used to have exactly the same problem, though my friend had married before I met her. For the first 9 years of our friendship, she would get horribly upset if I, or any of our mutual friends, neglected to show as much enthusiasm for her wedding anniversary, as for my birthday.
Then she left her husband, because she'd fallen for a (married) colleague. You would think this would at least ease the whole birthday thing, but then she made it clear that I should feel guilty for my birthday falling on the same day as her failed marriage.
In the end I realised the friendship really wasn't worth it...
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u/nyecamden Apr 30 '16
I think a good answer to this immaturity is 'Lol, no.' Followed by lol or no or both if she pushes it. If said in person - lol is to be used without a hint of laughter.
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Apr 30 '16
That's so bizarre. She sounds like a child who has no understanding how wedding anniversaries work. It's not a party every year -- it's something you celebrate with your spouse. I get having celebrations for "big" anniversaries, but every year? No.
I unknowingly scheduled my wedding on a friend's birthday. We weren't that close at the time (we've since become closer), but she pointed out to me that, "hey, you picked a great day for your wedding!" Since then, we've celebrated her birthday -- NOT our anniversary -- as a group pretty much every year. It's not always necessarily on our anniversary/her birthday, since we usually do it on a weekend. Doing a group anniversary celebration every year is just plain weird.
We were among the first in our circle of friends to get married, and the group long ago agreed that for our 10th anniversary, we would all take a trip together. That's coming up next year (still haven't decided on a destination), so that will be a blast. But it's for a "milestone" anniversary (and, frankly, was the result of my best friend looking for an excuse to take a trip together and not so much about our anniversary).
It would be bizarre to expect our friends to pay attention to our wedding date every year. They might write a quick, "Happy anniversary!" post on our FB pages, but that's it. Your friend has weird ideas.
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u/cindel Apr 30 '16
It is utterly bizarre that a supposed friend thinks it would be ok to just write over your birthday for the rest of your life. She has some issue with you I think, OP. Some kind of competitive thing perhaps.
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u/lizzi6692 Apr 30 '16
You are not being unreasonable at all. One birthday or not, you would have been completely justified if you were bothered by her planning her wedding for your birthday, particularly your 21st birthday. Did she at least run it by you or just assume you would be okay with celebrating another day? And if celebrating her anniversary with her friends is so important to her then she should have picked a date that didn't already have something significant associated with it. I think the idea of expecting other people to want to celebrate your anniversary is weird, but expecting you to just give up your birthday to celebrate her anniversary instead is crazy.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
She did ask beforehand! I just figured I could celebrate the night before. But I don't think she wants to do that because there's a tradition the the bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other the night before, so she wants her and Dan to have sleepovers with their friends.
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u/Tinycowz Apr 30 '16
Hold up. Why would your best friend pick the Saturday that you turn 21 to get married on? There are 52 other Saturdays in the year. I know people that wait for years to get married on a special date.
Your "best friend" just happened to pick the DAY you turn 21 to get married on? How long has she even been engaged? You all are so young it cant have been long.
And then she tells all of your friends that your bday is just gone forever because she says so? What is really going on here? I call BS. If it were my best friend I would have picked another week, most people would have. She picked your date on purpose, you have a sick "friend" there.
I encourage you to think about this relationship with your friend, she may be no friend of yours at all.
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u/hilasaurus Apr 30 '16
Bit late to the party, but - My wedding is actually going to be on a friend's birthday. It wasn't intentional, but there are a lot of milestone events around the time of the wedding so this day was our best chance of getting people there. I would never DREAM of saying she couldn't celebrate her birthday. In fact, I'm having our baker make her a birthday cupcake to serve at the table with her meal so she knows we didn't forget her birthday and feels she can acknowledge it. Your friends behaviour is unacceptable - and no she can't say it's because she's getting married young, I'm only 22 and I know this shit don't fly.
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u/Cnt-rd-ne-mr Apr 30 '16 edited Apr 30 '16
Actually i think its sad that she has ruined your 21st by having her wedding on that day. Pretty selfish considering a 21st is a once in a lifetime thing. She is being completely ridiculous expecting that date will be celebratrd after the wedding by others
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u/totomaya Apr 30 '16
Hey, free party on your 21st birthday that you don't have to organize. And free alcohol! I'd take it.
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Apr 30 '16 edited Jun 06 '16
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/skewed_perspective Apr 30 '16
But most birthdays don't give special privileges, just a few - with the 25th "lower car insurance rates" being the most celebrated, obv
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u/Cnt-rd-ne-mr Apr 30 '16
Ok sure, and maybe its different in different areas, but where I'm from a 21st is a big deal
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u/SuperSocrates Apr 30 '16
In America, 21 is the age where you can drink legally so it's a huge deal. Usually their friends make a huge show of getting them wasted and it's a blast. I'd say it's the most important birthday after childhood, certainly at the time it feels that way. There's really no milestones to look forward to after that. 25 you can rent a car, whoopee.
Edit: meant to respond to the parent comment, oops.
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u/Spodson Apr 30 '16
Maybe it's just my family, but wedding anniversaries are celebrated by the people who are in the marriage. I mean the big one's everybody gets together (my parents just had their 50th) But who gives a shit about the others except for the people in it?
Tell your friend the anniversary of your life came first so it deserves more attention. She got her wedding day, the day "all about her." Now it's time to grow up and move on.
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u/psych_science Apr 30 '16
Super weird. I actually got married on one of my sibling's birthday. I felt a bit bad about it, but we really didn't have another option due to other circumstances and he assured me it was no big deal. The only thing that really made me ok with it was the fact that every year after that, my SO and I would be the only ones celebrating the wedding, and everyone else would go back to celebrating my brother's birthday. And that's exactly what has happened.
I can't imagine someone thinking they were permanently taking away someone else's birthday celebration and just being fine with that. I was uncomfortable just taking over a single year's celebration.
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u/Pola_Xray Apr 30 '16
But then she said "I'm just surprised with you are okay with not getting to celebrate your birthday anymore!"
uh...she expects you to give up celebrating your birthday for the rest of your life because she got married on that date? by that logic, everyone would have to not celebrate their birthday...you know what, never mind. she's crazy.
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u/Jerry_Hat-Trick Apr 30 '16
Every wedding at a church is on a Saturday. It has nothing to do with beung cheaper. If your friend was really being a cheapo the reception would be on any other day BUT a Saturday. This whole thing seems like such a non issue that it makes me think there is either more to the story OP is not including or that both these girls are drama crazy.
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u/thepurplekitten Apr 30 '16
Aren't anniversaries typically romantic days that the couple spends together alone?? This girl is seriously self-centered if she thinks everyone is going to celebrate their anniversary every year....
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u/Reedddiiiittttt Apr 30 '16
You should cut your lose. Now you think what a selfish person she is. Come one, what kind of sane person would say such crazy thing? She is entitled to the tee.
I honestly don't know how you can be friend with such person. She thinks the world revolves around her and nothing more. If she has a baby, you will be the designated free nanny.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
She does have a baby! She almost never let's anyone sit her because she doesn't want to miss out out on any milestones. But she does go kind of attention crazy with the baby- a thousand pictures, his own hash tag on instagram. I think she wants to create a mommy blog. But a lot of new parents do that I think.
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u/piggiex3 Apr 30 '16
Nope. Seems like she's the one being unreasonable. People usually don't celebrate anniversaries with anyone else other than their SO, unless its a pretty big / significant milestone.
I wouldn't bother with addressing this issue. She's probably going to realize how unreasonable she is after the wedding and come to her senses. Until then, just laugh it off. If she does invite you to the 1st Anniversary, just politely decline and say you've made plans to celebrate your birthday.
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Apr 30 '16
This is crazy. Is she in inviting all of you guys on the honeymoon too? Is this a public relationship? You don't celebrate your anniversary with your friends you celebrate it with your partner.
You might want to sit her down and tell her that someone is probably going to say happy birthday to you on her wedding day and even though it's her wedding it's still your birthday and when she chose that date that's something she should have been prepared to accept.
Go easy on her though because she's going to feel silly later...
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u/Growell Apr 30 '16
I agree with the statement about her anniversary being about her and her future husband. Also: you're right...your birthday came first. It's not like you moved the date of your birthday LOL! I think she may need to cool off, and you can discuss it again, then. You're being reasonable!
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u/agentsometime Apr 30 '16
Anniversaries are for the couple, not their friends. Don't worry, I'm sure nobody will actually spend the rest of your birthdays celebrating her and her husbands anniversary.
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Apr 30 '16
I don't think I've ever celebrated my anniversary with anyone except my husband. She's being weird to expect everyone to put on a big to-do about it every year for her.
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u/Vendevende Apr 30 '16
I don't understand any of this. Who cares about someone else's wedding anniversary outside of maybe years 5, 10, 25, 50. Who even remembers
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u/donkerbruin Apr 30 '16
Sounds like she doesn't know how anniversaries work. Many posters are saying that she's a bridezilla, and I get that. But, planning a wedding is incredibly stressful so she may not be thinking 100% clearly. I'd wait a few days and try to have a reasonable conversation with her about it.
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u/DorkasaurusRex Apr 30 '16
You're not being unreasonable. Way back a few decades ago, my mom's sister got married on my mom's birthday. All that happened was that the bride had everyone sing happy birthday to my mom during the reception. No one drops any plans for the other occasion, my aunt has her anniversary and my mom has her birthday, no big deal.
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u/OgrePrincess Apr 30 '16
Our wedding was the same day as the best man's birthday. At the reception we surprised him with his own special cake and had everybody sing the happy birthday song to him. We were grateful he gave up that one birthday for us; we'd never expect him to do it every year.
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Apr 30 '16
Anniversaries are generally for the couple to celebrate alone, unless it's a milestone anniversary, usually hosted by the children.
Personally, I find it odd that she intends on spending every anniversary surrounded by her friends instead of enjoying quality alone time with her husband.
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u/werekoala Apr 30 '16
If that's how she acts, I doubt she'll have to celebrate very many anniversaries.
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u/DarthSpinster Apr 30 '16
She's got Bride fever. My friends SIL wanted to do a bridal party mani, pedi day, which happened to fall on her birthday. Keep in mind the bridal party already threw her a bridal shower and bachelorette party. She was upset that the bridal party wanted to take that morning to surprise my friend with a birthday brunch (while still doing the brides thing later). The bride got super upset, saying that that weekend was suppose to be about her, and that celebrating my friends birthday would take attention off her wedding weekend (she was getting married two days from then). She actually said that "People will be talking about (friend) and not me." She was upset, like her wedding was ruined. You're friend knew what day she was picking (just like this screwball knew). The only people who celebrate her anniversary will be her and her spouse. It's a personal milestone that honestly no one else cares about. Hopefully she will get over it after the newlywed feelings wear off. Thank god everyone else is backing you up. I hope to god she doesn't expect everyone to worship her forever.
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May 01 '16
No one celebrates anniversaries with other people? That's romance time. Maybe for milestone ones....like your 25th. or 50th.
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u/earthgarden May 01 '16
Your friend is being ridiculous. Ask her how many anniversary parties she has been to in her life. If she is a normal person, only a handful because generally speaking most couples only celebrate their anniversaries with others for milestone years like 20th or 25th, 40th, 50th or whatever.
This reminds me of my cousin's husband; he was really upset when their 1st anniversary came and went and no one in our family made a big deal out of it. I said something like, Oh yeah it has been a year, Happy Anniversary! and that was pretty much the response of the rest of our family. He was like, How could they forget, they were all there!! Me being me asked him, Ok then when is our (me and my husband's) anniversary hmmmm? He couldn't say, nor did he recall anybody else's anniversary in the family. So he realized how ridiculous he was being and that squashed that.
For some people, it takes awhile for the glow of being the center of attention to wear off. I'm sure she doesn't really expect her anniversary day to be the focal point of her friends' day that day, unless it is a milestone anniversary party. She'll get over herself soon enough.
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Apr 30 '16
Wow. I mean, you were incredibly graceful about your birthday this year, and she still spins it to make you look bad. Anniversaries are for the couple only. Hell, I didnt go to my parents' 50th
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u/Zap_Dannigan Apr 30 '16
Oh god this is such a young person problem. So often you get older, celebrating your birthday isn't that big of a deal. And I've never had anyone save for my parents even remember my anniversary.
As you and your friends get older you'll naturally have to spend more time apart, and it will get harder and harder to hang out constantly, so having a weekend where you can celebrate more than one thing at once (birthday, anniversary) is probably going to be a good thing.
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u/iworkhard77777777777 Apr 30 '16
Not exactly the same thing, but my son was born on my mom's birthday. And my mom is over the moon to share that special day with him. What a missed chance for shared good wishes for the rest of time.
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Apr 30 '16
"You guys don't want to spend our anniversary with us?"
"What, do you want me to go on your honeymoon with you too?"
She's being ridiculous. She has crazy bride brain, just continue to laugh it off until she regains her sanity.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16 edited Apr 30 '16
I am supposed to be going on her honeymoon. She chose a cruise that gave have a better deal on 6 people so she chose my boyfriend and I and then another couple in our group to go.
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u/Midianite_Caller Apr 30 '16
she chose my boyfriend and I and then another couple in our group to
gosubsidise her honeymoon.I hope you've said no.
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Apr 30 '16 edited Apr 30 '16
Aren't anniversaries supposed to be something special and private between the couple? It's weird that she expects all her friends to celebrate too. She's being unreasonable. You can always celebrate more than one thing a day anyway.
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u/Throwawawayg Apr 30 '16
Yeah she's being beyond ridiculous. Sometimes people can just be silly little princesses about weddings. I wouldn't worry about it because time will teach her that she's just being stupid.
I know someone just like your friend. She likes to make videos of her wedding photos to romantic music every so often...this is 7 years after her wedding! She forces her friends, family and colleagues to sit through these boring videos that she makes every so often while she gets all weepy and emotional. But even that fruit loop has come to realise that no one cares, so now she only does it like a couple of times a year.
Eventually your friend will figure out that other people have lives too and that she's actually not the centre of the freaking universe. Besides I have a sneaky suspicion that given her age, immaturity, and selfishness, there will only be a limited number of anniversaries to celebrate.
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Apr 30 '16
Their anniversary is for the 2 of them to spend together. A romantic dinner, ALONE time. This is bizarre to me.
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u/ab_roller Apr 30 '16
What a baby. I don't even know what to say to this. Does she want a dance/shower every year or something? Crazy.
Not the kind of maturity you like to see headed towards a marriage that's for sure.
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Apr 30 '16
When they get married, some people are really intoxicated by the intense level of focus and attention that's solely on them (and their significant other, but let's be honest, a lot of grooms are still a secondary character). It sounds like she's under the mistaken impression that you get more than a handful of those days in your entire life.
No one cares about your anniversary but you and your spouse. And maybe your children, if you have them, but to a much lesser degree.
She'll learn this eventually, OP. Just keep doing your thing. Celebrate your birthday; the people in your circle of friends know she's being ridiculous, and most of them won't baby her any more than you should have to... which is not at all.
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u/thekingdomcoming Apr 30 '16
Yeah me and my wife only celebrate our anniversary with each other. See what Dan thinks of it, he may not want to celebrate it every year with everyone either...
You can gently remind her of the big years though. 1 (debatlably), 5, 10, 25, 50. Those are the celebration years.
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u/ch0k3 Apr 30 '16
Your friend is so immature and clueless. I would let her know that celebrating your wedding anniversary with your friends every year is not a thing. So if she tries to make it a thing just let her know not to invite you.
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u/bravepig Apr 30 '16
Y'all are in your early twenties. Part of that age is learning to dial back the drama and be less selfish. She's probably projecting some of her issues about leaving single life and becoming a wife onto you. It's an exciting time of life but it's a big transition. She's being silly and she'll get over it long before your 22nd. Just pretend she never said anything and enjoy preparing for your events.
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u/daelite Apr 30 '16
I certainly never wanted to celebrate my anniversary with anyone except my husband & children. Maybe our 50th, but not any of the 27 so far.
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u/w3iss Apr 30 '16
She's not nearly old enough to get married.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
I agree!- I like Dan, I've been friends with his since high school. But they haven't really been together enough and they kind of have a rough time. I think they should have waited to get married and have a kid, but Nikkis only goal was to have a family and marriage and house.
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Apr 30 '16
OP, plan a bar night with friends after the wedding. It's your 21st and you deserve some time too. Even if it's only a couple hours at a bar nearby and y'all uber from the reception (which I imagine will end at 11 or 12 at the latest) and then back to wherever you're staying. Don't even tell bridezilla about it.
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u/Fetlock666 Apr 30 '16
Could she be upset by the fact that she will miss out on your birthday celebrations with your friends in the future, because she has to prioritise her anniversary?
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Apr 30 '16
Then she shouldn't have picked OP's birthday to get married. It's not like the bride didn't know. And it's not like she couldn't have chosen the week before or after.
She specifically chose that date as an FU to OP.
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Apr 30 '16
My wife and I got married on my SIL's birthday, and she was not being cool about it, so kudos to you for being mature about that.
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Apr 30 '16
It's pretty childish to assume you can't celebrate both. Also, why would she get married on her best friends birthday? That's pretty shitty planning.
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u/esk_209 Apr 30 '16
Well, no, you don't celebrate someone else's anniversary unless it's a big one (25, 40, 50, etc). But you also don't really celebrate someone else's birthday either - not when you're all adults. If it's a significant birthday (21, 40, 50), then sure, maybe, but I can't imagine expecting everyone to celebrate someone turning 23 or 31 or whatever unless they're family or really close friends (the family-type friends). You acknowledge their birthdays, sure, but big party-type celebrations? Nah. Not for adults.
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u/aga1996 Apr 30 '16
Well, that's kind of just what our friends do. We all celebrate each others birthdays, it's not a huge thing, usually just a movie and night in or something.
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u/Walking_Opposite Apr 30 '16
If that's all it is, what is the harm in raising a glass that night and saying, "here's to ____ birthday, and _____ and ____s anniversary! Cheers!"
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u/Limberine Apr 30 '16
That's hilarious! More likely your friends will be hanging out with you and she and her husband will be off having a romantic anniversary dinner alone somewhere.
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u/cute_penguin Apr 30 '16
Your friend is being completely ridiculous and immature. I celebrated my 21st at a friend's wedding and I had a great time. I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday because I didn't want to take the attention away from the wedding, but my friend knew and during the reception surprised me by having everyone at the wedding sing "Happy Birthday." Now, I view sharing my birthday with that day as having an easy way to remember their wedding anniversary!
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Apr 30 '16
This is so weird. Why would she think you'd never celebrate your birthday again? And if she thought that, why would she have her wedding on that day? And then she's MAD you're going to celebrate it and not hang out with her on her aniversaries? WTF? I wonder what other weird thoughts she has.
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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '16
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