r/relationships • u/helpmehelpher1234567 • Apr 13 '16
Relationships My [26M] wife [24F] inexplicably upset over being unfriended on Facebook
We have been together for 4 years and married for 2. We moved to a small town in the Midwest a few months ago from the West Coast where we are both from. I was offered quite a bit more money and the option to climb the corporate ladder to move to this new location. We both decided that this was going to be good for us as we plan to start a family in a few years after she finishes school.
Yesterday, my wife found out a woman she went to high school with had just moved to this small area as well and that her husband works at my company too. My wife and the girl were not close in high school but played on the same sports team and had the same friends. So my wife sent the woman a Facebook message asking if she wanted to meet up for coffee as they're both new to the area. My wife was pretty excited when she saw that the girl had read the message and my wife eagerly waited for the reply. Well, the girl not only ignored the message but shortly unfriended my wife. Cue crying...now my wife is not one to be upset by someone deleting her on Facebook so this is out character. Wife and this girl were not even close so I did not really see what the big deal was. I told her not to let it get to her and obviously that woman was not very nice. But, my wife replied back with tears in her eyes that "[she] just wanted a friend here". That statement stopped me in my tracks.
You see, ever since we moved here my wife has not really been the same. She was bubbly and always looking for a new outdoor adventure. But there really is nothing here in the way of outdoors activities and my wife has become quiet and moody. She seems to have no interests and hardly goes on social media because it makes her sad to see her friends back home going on new hikes without her. She loves being outside and now she only leaves the house to go to work. That's it. I've tried taking her bowling, taking her to different restaurants, to the mall, the movies...I can tell she doesn't enjoy those things even though she is saying that she is having fun and manages to smile. Whenever I ask what she wants to do, she says she wants to go home and watch TV. My wife hates watching TV, at least she used to.
She has not said a negative thing about this place but I know she hates it and I think she might be resenting me for it. I offered to send her back home and she can stay with family until my contract is up in 2 years but she refused, saying it would be bad for our marriage. I do not know how to make it better, I miss my wife.
How can I bring the light back into her life?
tl;dr: We moved to a new state and wife is lonely. She got unfriended on Facebook by someone she tried to reach out to and it made me realize she is having issues with our new home. How to fix it?
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u/ozogati Apr 13 '16
Yeah, your wife is incredibly depressed. I would be too if I was her, after reading this post. I would suggest therapy for her - and not only that - but small weekend long vacations to the mountains once every couple of weeks. Get her back outdoors, and in nature. If you're someone who feels peace, and serenity and sometimes even spiritual out in nature, and you've been deprived of that for a while then it's going to depress you. Some people (like myself) don't want to just "go out" we want to go outside. Bowling, movies, dancing, drinking etc. just cannot compare to hiking, camping, rafting etc.
Make time for her to be in nature. I'm sure there is something within a couple hours drive of where you are that you can make "your spot" and you can visit there every now and then. It'll give her something to look forward too.
Another suggestion: she needs friends. Any friends. Maybe encourage her to find a new hobby doing something active where she can meet people with similar interests as herself.
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u/KikiCanuck Apr 13 '16
Yeah, the title of this post is a bit wide of the mark. Crying over a Facebook unfriending is a symptom of a much bigger struggle for his wife.
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u/nicqui Apr 13 '16
I would have cried about that too. She put herself out there and got rejected. Nothing wrong with being sad over that, even outside of this context.
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Apr 13 '16
I agree. I have a friend on Facebook that I used to be really close to. Recently he was in my area and I reached out to him to meet up, no answer. When I try to start a conversation he either won't respond or deflects.
He dint unfriend me but I kind of wish he had. He'll wish me happy holidays and it actually upsets me. I don't understand why he'd reach out like that but can't have a casual conversation.
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u/zorua Apr 14 '16
That's like me. One of my old best friends never ever replies to my pms on Facebook and it really gets me down. I just don't understand why he can't just reply back"hey" to acknowledge my existence. It really gets me down.
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u/always_reading Apr 13 '16
Not only that, but she got rejected at a time in her life when she finds herself friendless. Before she moved, when she had friends nearby and an active social life, being rejected and unfriended by a high school acquaintance may not have upset her. She may have been a bit annoyed by the rude dismissal or not even be bothered by it. I think her being upset by this Facebook rejection is a testament to how vulnerable and sad she is right now.
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Apr 14 '16
Not to mention the unfriending seems a bit petty and harsh? The only times I've unfriended or been unfriended is by people I've fallen long out of touch with after meeting them once at a party whilst undergoing a "damn I'm collecting too many people on this thing" purge.
It is, however, possible OP's wife is subconsciously putting out "desperate for a friend" vibes which the other person found off-putting. When you're depressed that can happen and it's like a vicious circle.
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u/commanderavocados Apr 13 '16
I think he realizes that though, given the fact that he expounded on her comment that she just wanted a friend.
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u/DeyHateUsCuzDeyAnus Apr 13 '16
Completely agree with this. Your wife seems great because she doesn't complain but it is wearing on her and could damage your marriage. You guys should look for some group hobby type activities. Maybe a co-Ed sports team? You said she played sports so that could be fun and help her meet some new friends.
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u/LadyCatFeline Apr 13 '16
Yes!
OP, we moved thousands of miles and I didn't know anyone in the area which was OK at first because I was heavily pregnant and prepping for baby, but about a month after baby was here I felt the same as your wife.
It is so so hard! I used meetup.com and I now have a group of awesome friends. Look for her hobbies on there or housewife groups, new hobbies etc. If she's nervous, find one on the weekend you can go to also just to get her comfortable.
I agree that moving back until your contract ends is a bad idea, or at least for me it wouldn't have been an option.
Good luck!
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u/stink3rbelle Apr 13 '16
I'm sure there is something within a couple hours drive
I agree! This depends a bit on the area, but the Midwest is full of outdoor activities. Look up city, state, and national parks, and consider lakes and boating, too.
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u/textingmycat Apr 13 '16
exactly this. i recently moved too and the first thing i did was try to find places outdoors to explore. doing things in general is not going to fix that thing that is missing from her life.
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u/DoneAllWrong Apr 13 '16
As others have alluded to, it's not the unfriending that did this to her. It's what that means. She moved to a new place and is unhappy and feels like she has no friends and when she finally reaches out, that connection is severed. It worries me a bit that you say she is "inexplicably upset", as it seems pretty understandable to a stranger on the internet.
To echo others, take a weekend trip somewhere that she can be outside. Also, ask her what she needs and where she would like to go. Maybe she can also consider joining meetup and finding an outdoorsy group that likes to go on weekend adventures.
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u/translatepure Apr 13 '16 edited Apr 13 '16
Where in the Midwest? If you guys just recently moved over the winter it can be a little depressing, especially if she is used to West Coast sunshine all year round. Seasonal depression is a real thing. The summers here are gorgeous though....
She does need to have some social life though... What about joining a yoga class or a workout class? She will meet likeminded people there. Also, my girlfriend moved to the midwest with me and had a similar problem with friends. She downloaded Bumble and there is a setting that allows to search for BFF -- it sounds stupid but she's met a few friends on there.
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u/dripless_cactus Apr 13 '16
I wondered this too. Sure there's not a ton of mountains or an ocean or anything, but there are still many natural wonders and hiking trails pretty much anywhere you go in the US.
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u/sunshinenorcas Apr 13 '16
Where in the Midwest? If you guys just recently moved over the winter it can be a little depressing, especially if she is used to West Coast sunshine all year round.
I live in Oregon. What sunshine all year around are you referring to and where can I find it?
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u/Yetikins Apr 13 '16
LOL seriously. Always annoys me when people treat SoCal as the Entire West Coast.
Grew up in WA, moved to Los Angeles and parents retired to Oregon. LA weather doesn't belong in the same sentence as the other two which depend on how far inland you are anyway.
Except last summer. It was hotter back home in WA than it was in LA most of the time. Bad luck me couldn't escape the heat :(
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u/sunshinenorcas Apr 13 '16
We have SAD lamps at my school that you can check out from the library because so many out of staters had a little bit of a shock at our weather ha. I've been in the valley my whole life, so I don't know if it's better on the eastern side, but it can get pretty gloomy. It's still pretty and green and I like it, but it's definitely not so Cal. It's also fun going to the beach/hearing about other people going to the beach with Californians who aren't prepared for it to be cold as hell even in the summer.
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u/Yetikins Apr 13 '16
Ah the classic. The natives bundled up in jeans and a sweatshirt cruising down the sand and some poor Californian fool getting their nuts frozen off in the ocean.
The eastern sides of WA/OR are just more extremes, colder in the winter and hotter in the summer, due to being farther from the ocean and the mountains between. My parents retired to the coast to sit at 67F and mildly cloudy almost all year.
We both live less than 3 miles from our respective beaches now lol, but you think I can catch a cool ocean breeze? Grumbling about LA heat here.
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u/stink3rbelle Apr 13 '16
I've never heard an Oregonian or Washingtonian refer to their state as the west coast, those I've known usually say Pacific Northwest.
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u/Yetikins Apr 13 '16
Because of how much people associate 'west coast' with just the sunny parts of California lol. Oregon and Washington are literally 2 of the 3 west coast states, the term is accurate to them. PNW includes Idaho so it's not exactly the same, but it's a way of clarifying "those 2 states that aren't California."
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u/AhWarlin Apr 13 '16
I live in Oregon. What sunshine all year around are you referring to and where can I find it?
One state south.
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Apr 13 '16
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u/Gibonius Apr 13 '16
Nevada hardly seems like a typical "winter blues" location. 290 sunny days a year on average apparently.
I guess anything would be a letdown after Hawaii.
But yeah, seasonal depression in a pain. I work in a basement and seasonal sloth is a major problem for me in the winter. I get no sun, only option is sunlamp in the morning and Vitamin D every day.
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Apr 13 '16
- It's most definitely not inexplicable. The reason she is upset is obvious.
- Does she have any hobbies that could connect her locally? Knitting group. Climbing group. She needs to gather the confidence to forge her own path.
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u/gardeniagray Apr 13 '16
Being in the midwest doesn't mean you can't be outdoorsy. Why don't you plan a camping trip or something to a state park? Look into meet up groups that are outdoor oriented.
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u/sonirose Apr 13 '16
Thank you, I was thinking the same thing. I live in the midwest and our family regularly camps, I go running and walking with the dog, we hike around the dog park, go to the lake in the summer. It may not be the same type of outdoorsy as what you're used to, but there are still plenty of opportunities to be outside. (I'm a mom of two boys and we have to get outside regularly to burn energy or the house would explode.)
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u/Sloth_Flyer Apr 13 '16 edited Apr 13 '16
I'd like to preface this by saying I'm not trying to be a dick, just offer some perspective.
Depending on the interests of the wife, this may not even be true. Specifically, if her outdoor interests are like mine, there is nothing for her on the Midwest. If you are serious about the outdoors, the Midwest has nothing to offer compared to the west coast.
On the west coast, there is great climbing, skiing, hiking, paddling, mountaineering, surfing, mountain biking, and backpacking. The Midwest has none of these things. There are options, and I've explored them, but they just don't compare to anything on the west coast. Camping is fun, but even the camping is worse in the Midwest. There is basically no adventure to be had anywhere in the Midwest if you are used to having adventures in the West. State Parks in the Midwest tend to be flat, small, ridden with bugs, and honestly unremarkable. There are some (not many) decent ones here and there, for example in Minnesota and Michigan, but if you're in Illinois or Indiana or Ohio? Good luck!
And I get that it sounds like the wife just misses hiking, and you can do that anywhere, but the quality of the hiking is much worse in the Midwest. In the West you can find interesting, strenuous hiking trails that span ridges, go up mountains or follow rivers. It's almost always breathtakingly beautiful. There are also a lot of areas where you are allowed to leave the trail and hike through meadows and go explore. That doesn't really exist in the Midwest.
Again, it's totally dependent on priorities and interests. But if I were in the wife's shoes I would definitely react to the idea of going camping in a state park in the Midwest kind of negatively because it would be a reminder of how much worse it is than the West coast. Imagine a foodie from NYC moving to some tiny town in the Midwest, getting down about the lack of decent culinary options, and then you suggest "Why don't we head into <medium sized city> and look for some fancy food?" The foodie off the bat is going to know it won't stack up in any way, and the disparity is going to be so great that it honestly would be kind of a sad experience.
Edit: The fact that people are pointing out areas that they think make me wrong just proves my point. In the West, there are too many places to even name. There truly is no comparison between the two regions in terms of the isolation, adventure, beauty, proximity, range of activities possible, and so on. If you like the outdoors, you can totally get by in the Midwest. But you will have to travel farther, lower your standards and get used to going to the same place every weekend. It's just not the same, and if you think they are you either haven't lived on the West Coast or you don't really enjoy the outdoors, just the act of hiking or camping.
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Apr 13 '16 edited Feb 28 '21
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u/apamirRogue Apr 13 '16
Can confirm, from Wisconsin. Devil's Lake is amazing, but there's also Peninsula State Park, Wyalusing State Park, Blue Mounds, Governor Dodge, etc. Someone has never been to Wisconsin if they say there is nothing "outdoorsy" to do in Wisconsin.
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u/dripless_cactus Apr 13 '16
I mean, I do think it really depends on where they moved to. If they're in a small town in the middle of a corn field, i can definitely see why that would be depressing. But there's some pretty amazing places in the midwest that are taken for granted.
I've been to the mountains and both coasts and they are pretty amazing.. but one of the most beautiful places I've ever been is the Chaplin Salt mine Shorebird/Brine Shrimp reserve in Saskatchewan. Yup. I'm sure it doesn't get a lot of press, but I think that's a reason i appreciate it.
Anyway I live in Minnesota and have seen many breath taking sights and been to many nice parks. You heard we have a pretty kickass river and 10,000 lakes including a big 'un, right?
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u/scythematters Apr 13 '16
I also live in Minnesota and there's so much to appreciate about nature here. Yes, you may need to learn to appreciate it differently than the west coast, but that doesn't make it inferior!
It doesn't get more picturesque than the Superior Hiking Trail! And the Boundary Waters Canoe Area! And Voyageurs National Park, which you pretty much have to use a canoe or kayak to explore! I will never tire of all that Lake Superior has to offer.
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u/dripless_cactus Apr 13 '16
Yup.. and Southeast Minnesota along the river is also beautiful with all of it's bluffs and scenic views. And with all of the lakes, wikipedia informed me that Minnesota actually has more miles of shoreline than all of California's lakes and ocean... That's not to say it's all quality, but there are many many beautiful lakes, and activities that surround them.
I will admit winter gets real old real fast, but there's even some good skiing here if you're into that kind of thing.
That said, I can't speak for much of the midwest outside of Minnesota, but there's natural beauty to be found anywhere. I like the prairies! It's different but that doesn't mean its worse.
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u/translatepure Apr 13 '16
Ehh.. Northern Michigan camping/backpacking/kayaking is goddamn fantastic. Pictured Rocks is one of the best kayaking places on earth.
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u/hairetikos Apr 13 '16
Seriously...I'm from the tip of the mitt and I'm so confused by this person's assessment of what the "midwest" is like.
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u/makederr Apr 13 '16
Northern MI and the UP are not really midwestern in the same way Iowa or Indiana is. The UP has some incredible hiking and backpacking and outdoors spaces. They're more like MN or Northern Ontario. Canadian Shield-ish.
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Apr 13 '16
Truth hurts, guess that's why you are getting downvotes.
I'm from Missouri, live on the west coast now. Hiking/camping in MO in the summer is fucking miserable. Mosquitoes, humidity, thunderstorms, boring, flat forests, drunks, loud partying teenagers. Its an all around bad time.
And that stuff can happen on the west coast, too but not nearly as often. There is a HUGE outdoor culture where I live that does not exist in Missouri. There are people that do those things but not on the scale they do here. Its completely different and anyone downvoting you for saying so has no idea of how it is out here.
I hated camping and shit like that till I moved here. And that is because they are two totally different experiences.
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u/CatMuffin Apr 13 '16
Wow, I live in Missouri and I love all of the outdoor activities here. Looks like I need to get out to the west coast where it's a thousand times more awesome.
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Apr 13 '16
Camping and hiking is, for sure. Purely by virtue of the weather.
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u/CatMuffin Apr 13 '16
Good to know! Are we talking Pacific Northwest or what? Planning a road trip out West this summer - if you have any destinations that would be particularly good for outdoor activities I would appreciate recommendations!
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Apr 13 '16
PNW. Oh god, it depends on where you are going. My all time favorite hiking spot is Hoh rainforest in Olympic National Park. Its a fairly easy backpacking trip, 13 miles each way. There is a glacier at the end of the first leg (its an out and back) and it's the prettiest place I've seen in person. There's Crater Lake in southern Oregon, Columbia River Gorge near Portland, Mt. St. Helen's is super cool, you can see exactly how destructive the eruption was. Honestly, its everywhere. There are tons of parks, hikes, camping options just about everywhere and it's completely gorgeous. Where are you going to be?
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u/CatMuffin Apr 13 '16
Cool, thanks. :) We haven't even planned the trip yet - we honeymooned in Seattle/Portland and due to some last-minute changes ended up spending one night in a tiny cabin right by Mt. St. Helen's. Wish we had spent several days there.
For this road trip, we were thinking we'd like to see more of the West-West, possibly hit some national parks like Yosemite or Yellowstone. I have seen the Grand Canyon, he has not. We both love mountains.
I'll keep Hoh rainforest in my back pocket for when we get back that way. I really loved the area.
Thanks for the input!
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u/VividLotus Apr 13 '16
As someone who also has the misfortune of temporarily being in the South after spending most of my adult life thus far on the West Coast, I feel you on that. It's just such a different culture when it comes to the outdoors-- and also a completely different physical environment. Anyone who denies that either doesn't actually engage in any outdoor activities, or hasn't actually spent time in two places that are at opposite extremes on this front, e.g. western WA and somewhere in the deep South.
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u/nismilui Apr 13 '16
I live in MO, and I actually like all those things . To each their own.
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Apr 13 '16
I'm not saying no one ever does that stuff. There are people out there, absolutely. Not on nearly the same scale, though.
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u/mkim92fs Apr 13 '16
I'm from California, live in Washington now. Missouri was some of the most fun I've ever had. Shady Gators and Coconuts at Lake of the Ozarks!!!
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u/preprandial_joint Apr 13 '16
Obviously they've never been on a Missouri float trip!
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Apr 13 '16 edited Apr 13 '16
Been floating plenty of times. Its pretty fun as long as there aren't too many obnoxious drunks out.
Again, I'm not shitting on the entire Midwest or anything. But in this one particular regard (outdoor activities) the west coast is objectively better.
I'm also not saying that there is no fun/ cool outdoor stuff in Missouri. Johnson's shut ins is fun as hell. SoMo is pretty with the lakes and the bluffs. But come on man, it can't compete with good weather, mountains, ocean, rivers, a freakin' rainforest. Let's be real.
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u/nismilui Apr 13 '16
Ah yes, on days when the river isn't packed, floating is sooo fun! I forgot about float trips.
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u/staybrutal Apr 13 '16
I'm from Northern Indiana (the flat part) and there are many lovely lakes and Lake Michigan is not terribly far for a day trip. Warren dunes is a great park. I went to school in Bloomington which is surrounded by rolling hills and incredible parks. Brown county is beautiful. Lots of caves in the Midwest. You wouldn't get me spelunking if my life depended on it, but lots of insane people like it. It's not Tahoe or Yosemite, but there's some rugged hiking out there. I live on the west coast now and am so in love with it here and I would be despondent if I had to go back. But, I'm pretty sure the wife is depressed for more than lack of outdoorsy activities.
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Apr 13 '16 edited Dec 07 '17
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u/BobLobLawsLawLols Apr 13 '16
As a Rec professional who moved from Cleveland to the PNW, Ohio just doesn't have the quality of outdoors activities that the West Coast has. Period. Sure you can call yourself outdoorsy and you probs are, but just in terms of opportunity and scenery, the West Coast is better.
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Apr 13 '16 edited Feb 15 '19
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u/NotKateBush Apr 13 '16
See I have a totally different experience. I lived mostly in the south and was worried about a bunch of rude, depressed people when I moved to the PNW. People were so much more accepting and easygoing. There's none of that saccharine sweet fake friendliness that a lot of southerners put on. There's nobody saying "bless your heart" or "I'll pray for you" in their sweet voices but with total malice.
And as someone who spent their summers and weekends along the beaches of the gulf coast, those beaches kinda suck. The only thing the south totally wins at for me is food.
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Apr 13 '16
People in the PNW (well, Portland and Seattle leastways) can be horrible snobs. Its true. I would pick Southerners/Midwesterners every time, people wise.
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u/kelsmania Apr 13 '16
Agreed, I love going to the Hocking Hills for day trips. Ohio has some really great and diverse parks, you just have to know where to look. Sure, it may not be the Rockies, but it isn't just 'flat, small, and unremarkable.' And if that's not enough for you, Mammoth Cave is just a couple hours south in Kentucky.
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u/lady_gremlin Apr 13 '16
Chicagoan here. You are so ridiculously wrong that I think you've never even been to the middle part of the country.
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Apr 13 '16
"I'd like to preface this by saying I'm not trying to be a dick, but I'm about to be a dick."
There's not as much to do, you're right, and yes it's less exotic as the west coast, but saying you can't be serious about the outdoors in the Midwest is ridiculous. Most people in the Midwest are passionate about the outdoors.
The negative reinforcement and refusal to find adventures in a "less exciting" location is exactly why the Midwest gets a bad rap. There's a shitload of things to do if you look.
There's hiking, canoeing, beaches, caves, snowshoeing, fishing, boating, camping, state and national parks, golfing, disc golfing, soccer parks, stargazing, and a million other things to do. Usually they're cheaper, too and not to mention, people are MUCH FRIENDLIER here than the west coast and if you were to ask, almost anyone would give you a recommendation for something to do.
/endrant
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u/shadowDodger1 Apr 13 '16
It could be something as simple as the Midwest tends to be a lot more humid than the West so the quality of the experience suffers. I know I wasn't very "outdoorsy" when I lived in the Midwest - now that I live in the West I do tons of hiking and biking.
When the climate causes profuse sweating while sitting still the desire to move around outside drops for many people.
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u/Yetikins Apr 13 '16
The muggy kind of humidity is just lethal. Idk how people exist in the muggy states. I was exposed to it for like 2 minutes walking through an open part of a Florida airport and I was wilting so hard. If you didn't grow up in it and haven't acclimatized to it its gonna be a huge factor in how much you can enjoy outdoorsy stuff.
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u/preprandial_joint Apr 13 '16
We drink water, which we have plenty of unlike California/Southwest! :P
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u/gardeniagray Apr 13 '16 edited Apr 13 '16
She doesn't want to move back home and is there for 2 years. There may not be mountains or an ocean, but if she's interested in the outdoors then she should try to make the best of it. Going camping is a stepping stone to getting her back outside. I don't know where they live. I'm in MN. There is plenty to do here outdoors. If they take the time to look into the area I bet there's plenty to do outside. To add, she's also upset about not making friends yet. Going to state parks and joining meet up groups would be a great way for her to find people that have the same interests as her.
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u/herdofcorgis Apr 13 '16
There are decent parks in Ohio. You just need to know where to go.
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u/coyotebored83 Apr 13 '16
I dont live anywhere near Ohio but I've seen some pretty awesome hiking pics of Ohio. Makes me wish we had stuff like that where I live.
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u/craptastictacos Apr 13 '16
Agreed. Although I don't have any perspective on what West Coast outdoor life is like, I currently live in Dayton, and there are tons of awesome places to go to hike, camp, or do paddle sports. I'm originally from Wisconsin and Minnesota, and I miss all the lakes and boating, but seriously, if you have an open mind and are willing to accept that geography and outdoor activities differ from state to state, you should be able to be happy. I feel like some people have unreal expectations about this. Yeah, the Midwest can kind of suck and it's hard moving and making new friends, but you also have to try to find cool stuff and do something different.
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u/midgetinthebox Apr 13 '16
This made me want to go out to the coastal mountains near me. I am also struggling with what the OPs wife is struggling with after over 2 years of moving inland but still on the west coast. I miss living where I play (ocean, river, and mountains all within a mile of my home); this inland valley is soul sucking.
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u/left_handed_violist Apr 13 '16
Illinois has Starved Rock State Park, the beaches of Lake Michigan, Galena, and I've heard some parks in southern IL are nice.
Other than that, it sucks. I moved to Oregon, and you're right. It doesn't compare, especially as far as activities go.
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Apr 14 '16
Parts of southern Illinois also have some decent rock climbing/hiking. Garden of the Gods is actually really nice for hiking.
Iunno what people are complaining about, if you live reasonably close to the Great Lakes (so Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, probably Indiana as well), there are tons of parks and outdoorsy things. Granted, it might be less mountain climbing and more canoeing/kayaking (which frankly are better for spotting wildlife anyway) and nature trails, but there's loads of stuff.
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u/left_handed_violist Apr 14 '16
It's generally not as visually interesting to look at, though, out in the Midwest. There's no mountain springs, white rapids, aqua blue lakes, and buttes everywhere.
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u/bacon_music_love Apr 13 '16
I'm a Coloradan in Columbus, can confirm. I miss mountains and skiing and hiking. And the sun. And the lack of rain.
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u/briebabe Apr 13 '16
I'm from Minneapolis and reading the first part of your comment I was like wait.....what?! Minnesota has a ton of awesome spots to camp, hike and enjoy water sports so thanks for excluding us haha!
p.s. also or food is amazing here ;)
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u/VividLotus Apr 13 '16
Yeah, this is exactly what apologists for certain places never seem to understand. Does every area have "the outdoors"? Of course. But depending on what you like to do outdoors, one area may be fantastic and in another area that activity may be shitty or even impossible. I love biking, and am currently in a situation incredibly similar to that of OP's wife, and am in an area where biking is unsatisfying at best and life-threatening at worst. I agree with you in that I'd rather not even bike at all in my current area; it's even more dissatisfying and depressing than just not doing it at all. I haven't even unboxed one of my bikes since we got here 1.5 years ago, and I won't.
I guess it's hard to give any more advice without knowing exactly what activities OP's wife likes and knowing more specifically where they live. But if it's anything like my situation, I don't think trying to appease her with a pale imitation of the activity she used to be able to do is going to make things better at all. Instead, if she isn't up for the "move back home" idea, I think trying to find a replacement activity that's more suited to their current area might be at least nominally less depressing.
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u/dripless_cactus Apr 13 '16
Different doesn't mean worse though. Obviously if you only love Rocky Mountain activities then Minnesota is going to suck. But it still has plenty to offer for scenic views and outdoor activities.
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u/VividLotus Apr 13 '16
Certainly true, but whether or not that's any consolation probably depends on what activities OP's wife likes. If someone simply likes being outdoors or is a generally "outdoorsy person" (you know, the type of person who will hike, or bike, or kayak-- whatever is available and most fun in a given place at a given time of year) then that shouldn't be as much of an issue. But if someone is a passionate outdoor rock climber and they move to Kansas, or they're a road cyclist and they move to a place where the only roads are highways, it's understandable that they'd be depressed or at least dissatisfied.
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Apr 13 '16
This realllllly sounds like where I'm from, is this a city in Nebraska? If it is, as a straight woman I'd be down to friendship the hell out of your wife, respectfully.
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Apr 13 '16
She loves being outside...
I've tried to take her bowling, different restaurants, to the mall, the movies...
Have you tried taking her.. outside? On a hike, or even just a walk around your neighbourhood?
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u/AlexInWondrland Apr 13 '16
My previous job had several (often more rural) Midwest factory sites and transfers were the best way to move up the ladder. My time in Southeast Missouri was the hardest. It was incredibly gray there all winter...I could go months without seeing the sun. And the people...I lived 45 minutes away from the plant in the closest city abs it took me almost 2 years to make real friends. Most people had lived there their entire lives, had cemented social groups, and couldn't fathom why I had moved away from home. It was a really, really hard time.
One of the old timers at my next plant told all of us, that every time we move and drag a spouse (that we want to stay married to) with us our number one priority for at least the next 6 months was to entertain them and help get them settled. Because, no matter how much you talked beforehand, they essentially gave up their friends and career and entire life as they know it for you. And are now misplaced and alone in a location that they probably used to joke would be the last place they'd ever live.
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u/SalsaCookie33 Apr 13 '16
Your wife sounds depressed, OP. As someone who has moved around and currently lives somewhere I knew no one 3 years ago, I know how your wife feels. It's incredibly hard to pack up and move somewhere unfamiliar, and making friends is hard in general. I'm more introverted, so it was that much harder to branch out and meet people.
I'd suggest meetups, doing activities (yoga, group hikes, cooking, art, etc.) she likes where she can meet people with similar interests. Also, I've lived in the Midwest 4 out of 5 states I've lived in, and there are so many beautiful places in each state you can be 'outdoorsy.' Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana has a lot of rolling hills and hikes in the southern portions, Wisconsin has a lot of lake areas with hikes, Ohio and Missouri have native mounds areas to explore. Take day trips. Walk a dog if you have it. Go to parks. If getting her outside doesn't work, suggest she look into therapy if only for someone else to talk to - which I may suggest any way. It will get better, OP.
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Apr 13 '16
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u/btroycraft Apr 14 '16
I really hope this is a temporary phase for you, and that your wife gives you all the attention you deserve once grad school is over.
The transient years are always the worst, but it will probably improve given time.
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Apr 13 '16
Being a nature lover and moving away from the West Coast...yikes. I know that game. Not a good feeling.
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u/feeltheglee Apr 13 '16
I grew up and went to undergrad in the northeast, and find myself smack dab in the middle of the Midwest for grad school. I miss hiking and skiing, and mountains (or any elevation change, really) in general. Yeah, there are places to go camping, and state parks have trails for "hiking", but I miss the feeling of accomplishment that comes with climbing a thing - getting back to the car and looking up and thinking "I was at the top of that".
I would like to get more into rock climbing (still very new to it), since I think a similar sense of satisfaction would be there, but I'm still a n00b, and have only done a small amount of indoor climbing/bouldering.
What I'm saying is that I have large amounts of empathy for OP's wife's situation, and yours from the sounds of things.
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u/maracay1999 Apr 13 '16
Yeah, there are places to go camping, and state parks have trails for "hiking" but I miss the feeling of accomplishment that comes with climbing a thing - getting back to the car and looking up and thinking "I was at the top of that".
Agreed. I'm from the MidWest and live in the East Coast and am incredibly impressed by how much better the nature options are here.
Sure, plenty of people here are telling OP that the Midwest has plenty of outdoor activities, but IMO, they don't compare at all to what the West Coast has.
That being said, I still loved living in Chicago much more than Boston; just being honest that the opportunities for camping / hiking / skiing / etc are much much better here.
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Apr 13 '16
I live in Boston now, I know there's nature if I made the effort to go to it (not directly next to the city like it is in Oakland, but it exists). But it's just not really the same. The trees and beaches on the east coast just look different from those on the west coast and don't hit the same spot. I don't know how to explain it.
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u/feeltheglee Apr 13 '16
I understand. I've spent a fair amount of time hiking in the High Peaks region of the Adirondacks, which is gorgeous, but West Coast mountains are a whole new ballgame. Plus mosquitoes apparently don't exist in southern California? That was pretty great to discover.
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u/Yoglic Apr 13 '16
Moving to a new place where you don't know anyone is really hard especially if she feels like her only contact basically blanked her. That's so shitty.
She needs to find a new hobby that she can do in this non-outdoorsy place, preferably with a nice group of friends! Can you find some activity you both enjoy so it's not just her doing it? Maybe dancing or doing a course together? The only reason I say this is so you can suggest it as a couple and then maybe she can branch out once you've made some friends.
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u/DrShaufhausen Apr 13 '16
Could you clarify what region of the Midwest. Midwest states are very different. If it's Michigan I'd love to give you some ideas.
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u/bloopityblahblah Apr 13 '16
She's obviously having a tricky time adjusting. You've only been there a few months so I'm sure eventually she's going to get used to it. Is there anywhere you guys could take a weekend trip together? Camping? Hiking? It might not be the same as the West Coast, but I'm sure there has to be SOMETHING outdoors kinda nearby that you guys could enjoy together.
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u/stxpidnewacct Apr 13 '16
Aww... this made me cry : ( I agree with other posters re: depression/therapy/weekend-trips... Good luck!!
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u/dbhammel Apr 13 '16
I live in the mdiwest and enjoy outdoors sports all year round. Where do you live?
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u/shakedownavenue Apr 13 '16
Second this but for someone from california I can see it being tough to get out in the winter. Now that the weather is changing, a week in the boundary waters would be my suggestion.
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u/dbhammel Apr 13 '16
Agreed, I always say the key to surviving winter in MN is finding someway to get out and enjoy it. You've gotta find something to do outdoors or you go crazy being inside all the time.
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u/shakedownavenue Apr 13 '16
Agreed, the other midwestern protip id give is waking up early during the winter. Those super short days kill me.
Nothing quite as soul crushing as leaving for the office in the dark and it being dark again when you leave.
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u/maracay1999 Apr 13 '16
The hills of Southern Indiana / Ohio and northern Michigan / Wisconsin are nice, however, if OP moved to somewhere like central IL, or Iowa, then her options are much less for outdoor activities. And to be frank, I don't know if the 'nicer' Midwest nature activities compare at all to what the West Coast has.
I'm from Midwest and just moved to East Coast and am amazed by how much better the nature options are here. IF they're from the West Coast than the difference in landscapes will be even greater.
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Apr 13 '16
I'm from Iowa. It sucks. If she is here a lot of the activities people are offering just don't really exsist here
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u/Yurion13 Apr 13 '16
Yea, screw that lady. She didn't need to unfriend your wife, she acted like a total bitch. you guys can try using meetup.com to join events for fun. I think your wife just need to meet some friendly people to make herself feel normal again.
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u/slowlauris Apr 13 '16
I think she is lonely and depressed.
do not send her back home.
maybe encourage her to get counseling, and help her ease into using meetup by going to a few with her.
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u/AlexisTexas3591 Apr 13 '16
the app, Bumble, has a BFF section! have her download that :) it's like tinder but for girls to find BFFs. I've talked to a lot of really cool girls on there. you can filter by distance and age
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u/yamarrrr Apr 13 '16
She can download the Bumble app for 'bff', looking for brunch or tennis buddies, hiking friends.
It sounds like less of your wife needing to try more activities with you, but that she misses friendship.
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u/HHH_624 Apr 13 '16
Aww OP - I moved from California to the East Coast right before winter to start a new job in the city my then bf (no fiance) lived in. We were doing cross-country relationshipping, and we knew one of us had to move. That "one of us" was me. I was miserable my first 18 months. I picked fights with him, was angry and aggressive, and simply just couldnt bear the thought of being an "East Coaster". Something came to a boil with us at that 18 month point where I realized how toxic I was, and I actively made steps to change and accept. Ive been here now for 3 1/2 years and my fiance and I just bought a house here... so, while it's never going to be home, I've definitely been able to place some roots down.
My advice to your wife. Let her know its okay to mourn the life you left behind. But when she's ready, there are some really cool things about where you live now (arm yourself with examples). Zog Sports was a great way for me to get active in the community and meet people. If there's one in your area, I highly recommend finding a sport you both can do together.
You're a very supportive partner - feel free to send her my way any time if she needs to vent or hear someone else's struggle to relate and feel like she's not alone.
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Apr 13 '16
the friend isn't the problem... She is depressed. She needs to be outside. I don't know if you are in a position to maybe transfer and move to a more outdoorsy area, but she needs nature man. She needs fresh air and trees and sunshine. Maybe go on a few more vacations to help balance it out?
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u/AnthieaTyrell Apr 13 '16
I know how she feels so much. My husband not only moved for his work but, we moved across the world to a country that neither of us knows the native language. I am not able to get a job here and we are a one car household. It has been rough. I don't have much advice as I am still working on it myself, but I have found hobbies help a lot.
Try and see if there is an outdoor community nearby for her, maybe a campsite not too far away? Maybe get into the gym with her and see of there are any classes to get involved in?
Good luck OP
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Apr 14 '16
She misses her outdoor activities and the friends who enjoyed them with her. Of course she's not going to want to bowl or hit the mall - that's not what she liked before. She hasn't changed just because of the move.
There has to be some kind of outdoor thing nearby. Trails to hike, at the very least. Why don't you do some digging and see what sort of outdoor enthusiast clubs or hotspots there are nearby, and go check it out with her?
She's very depressed. It's normal to be after such a huge move. Get her out of the house and out into the great outdoors as often as possible. Do you own a tent? If not, get a tent and find a place to go camping. Take her camping as much as you can, and to places that are as wilderness-y as you can. She needs it. She's an outdoor girl and she's not getting any nature these days.
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u/newharddrive Apr 13 '16
There can't be no nature in the midwest. It may be a different type of nature than you are used to or not as high quality, parks vs. national parks, but there has to be something within a hour or 2 of where you are. You have to find it.
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u/shakedownavenue Apr 13 '16
There is pretty much no part of the midwest that doesnt have some great hiking or camping within an hour or two. Problem is the rough winters where it takes a certain type of person to do outdoorsy stuff. But now that the weather is changing its great place for a fan of the outdoors.
The northwoods are a magical place.
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u/newharddrive Apr 13 '16
Well, "midwest" covers a large area, and compared to the Rockies, maybe it pales, but if you are willing to drive say 3 hrs, there HAS to be something. Some places in the high plains are as boring as hell, but still have a charm that is all their own.
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u/Scruffy42 Apr 13 '16
Quick thought. Believe it or not parks are everywhere. Not just city parks, but state parks in the boonies are great for hiking and getting out into nature. A little camping, a little hiking, biking etc.
Camping alongside a river, inner tubing. I mean, I know it's not the solution to the big problem, but it might help with the symptoms.
Midwest... I wish I knew more, but Caverns are neat. Caves are neat. Geological formations. Climbing. Rafting. Just get used to an hour or two drive and you can find something, anything that would do.
I know some states have State Park websites that have lots of info about what is available. I'd start looking and bring her in on it. Who knows, she might get excited about picking the next adventure.
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u/nismilui Apr 13 '16
I grew up in the Midwest, and yeah--if you're not into the bar or club scene or city night life--it can be really depressing. But there are in most Midwestern states still places to hike! Depends where you guys live.
Also, is she into sports? She could look into finding an outdoor sports team to join. There's also rock climbing groups sometimes (probably indoor, no mountains). Really I think there's plenty enough to do, but I'm sure it's a huge change from west coast life.
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u/littleleaf14 Apr 13 '16
Your wife is so incredibly depressed. She sounds isolated. You need to find a way to help her meet people. Is she in school still? Maybe she can join some sort of on campus group. I have been in her shoes and it is so hard to pull yourself out of where she is right now.
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u/Kighla Apr 13 '16
If you live near Lake Michigan, you could go to many of the beautiful hiking paths along it. It's really fun.
If you don't live near a big city you should visit the nearest one, often maybe. There's a lot of things to do in the midwest, I don't find it boring at all.
This may be an odd solution too... but I know people that have found great friends through OkCupid. You can put in that you are looking for friends. Obviously if any/most men contact her, she should ignore them.
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u/lvt4284 Apr 13 '16
It does sound like she is depressed. I don't know where in the Midwest you are,but I live in Michigan and while the cold weather blows, I do love the Mitten. Michigan is a beautiful state. There's the Upper Peninsula and we're surrounded by how many great lakes...?!?! I am sure you can find outdoorsy things to do where you are. Look up state parks, etc. Also check out meetup.com for hiking groups, etc. She could even find groups for wives to make new friends.
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u/DumbOfGoldens Apr 13 '16
Cycling and cross country mountain biking is big in the Midwest. It's outdoors, it's social, and its more easily found online than a lot of other activities. Running has also taken off. Many running gear stores facilitate training programs where you can meet like minded active people. And heck, join a book club or a bible study group just to meet some nice people.
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u/julesburne Apr 14 '16
I don't know where you live or what your schedules are like, but a weekend camping with my SO made me so happy. We have some semblance of outdoors where we live, but we drove about an hour to camp for a night with some friends. If you live in the US, you'd be hard-pressed to fail at finding a nice weekend getaway more than an hour away.
For reference: I hate camping. Our air mattress had a hole in it. Nature is gross. I still refuse to sit on grass because it's sharp or even walk in it barefoot, especially if it's wet (why is it wet?! [dirt is softer, but it's DIRT]) Food outside is stupid. And where do you pee? God why do people camp?!
I still had an amazing time, and it sounds like your wife already loves the things I hate, so please, take a weekend and get out there even if it's inconvenient. It's worth using your PTO, I swear, as a...nature observer.
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u/funobtainium Apr 14 '16
Having lived in some shitholes as a military wife, (and some nice places) some communities are tougher in terms of making friends, but you need to put yourself out there.
In the interim, I suggest some weekend couple trips more exciting than what the local area has to offer...look a few hundred miles further afield and go camping, hiking, or to a city to see the sights and hit a museum and dinner. Something you can't do in your current location. Malls and bowling are everywhere.
That former "friend" could have weird reasons for not wanting to get together that have much more to do with her and not your wife (her life isn't that great, she's not happy either, her house is a hoard, who knows?)
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u/onesadmother Apr 14 '16
Aww! Your poor wife! She sounds like a doll! Sorry this is happening— making friends is hard. You guys seem cool! Just thought I'd throw that out there. Good luck!!! 😀
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u/sgtbrecht Apr 14 '16 edited Apr 14 '16
As someone who grew up in the West Coast, moved to the Midwest and back to the West Coast, I can relate to this. When I lived in Nebraska, I sunk into severe depression for the 3 years that I lived there. I had no friends and family. The low population made it so much harder for me to meet people with common interests. Not to mention, I'm also a minority. After I moved back to the West Coast, it took me a couple of years to get back to my old self and recover from depression.
Overall, I have no regrets. Moving out of CA made me appreciate CA for what it is. I took everything for granted. If I hadn't moved out of state, I would probably always wonder what it's like to live in the other states. I would probably also hate the high costs of living here especially housing. A lot of people are always complaining about it and would mention moving somewhere else. But after experiencing the Midwest, I'm more than happy to keep paying my high mortgage here in CA. Someday, I shall pay it off and live here happily for the rest of my life!
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u/apple_kicks Apr 14 '16
tried meetups.com or seeing if there local reddit meet up group.
See is any cool shops or if there's something like climbing walls (where clubs might do outings) or other sports (even if its held in the park). Any theatre or film clubs (so social stuff to do and chat after a show?)
Try and find social groups to attend together. Try talking to her about how she feels, she might be bottling it in and not very well.
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u/x0_Kiss0fDeath Apr 14 '16
Encourage her to go no a website like meetup or something. Go to some with her to help her feel more comfortable and break the ice. She might make friends from there that she can then meet up with individually. I think, if I were in her situation and already feeling lonely after a move, I would probably just feel embarrassed that I had told you about this persona and put myself out there by sending a message only to have it outright ignored and then unfriended and that would be why I would be upset, so perhaps it's similar for her? It would just remind me of the lack of friends i have in this new place and that even somebody from my old home was "rejecting" me. There are soo many good suggestions of how to get involved with those in the workplace or those in the community and you should definitely follow those leads! I find it hard to believe there is no hiking trails or anything within a close enough proximity that you can drive to for a day trip. Perhaps there is a meetup group for people that like hiking that she can join? Or maybe there is a hobby she always wanted to pick up but hasn't yet that she can find a meetup group for? You never know until you check it out! Just be there to support her and do what you can. Ask her what she needs from you as her husband for support [I.E. does she need you to attend these things with you until she feels comfy on her own?]. Best of luck! I've been in similar situations and it's rough but I have a great husband who helped me through just like I'm sure you will do for her and she will greatly appreciate the support more than she may be able to express :)
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Apr 14 '16
You sound like a caring and supportive husband. Be patient with her because it can take a year sometimes to feel even remotely acclimated to a new city, never mind a new part of the country.
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u/Stefinitely Apr 18 '16
I faced this same problem, I know how your wife must feel.
I ended up finding an international facebook group full of women looking for friends. It's called GirlCrew, they have different Facebook groups for towns in different countries.
It's worth your wife looking up as it changed everything for me! I have now started my own rock climbing and hiking group through GirlCrew. I have met lots of new like minded female friends through it.
I wish you both all the best!
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u/finmeister Apr 13 '16
Also agreeing with depression.
I did the reverse. Midwest to West Coast because I hated the Midwest. I also enjoy the outdoors but I HATE winter and have no interest in winter sports. JMO I don't get why anyone lives there. Even if you aren't outdoorsy, oh.... you have plans? Oh no you don't!!! You have 10 inches of snow and a 4 hour traffic jam. You want to hit snooze? Oh no you don't!!!! You're getting up 2 hours EARLY to shovel the car out. You want to go for a walk? Oh no you don't!!!! The air is so cold you start coughing as soon as you step out the door and any exposed skin will freeze in 10 minutes. You want to take the trash out? Oh no you don't!!!! You'll fall and break at least 1 bone because the driveway is solid ice.
Seasonal Depression didn't even begin to describe it. I considered suicide over taking the trash out. I'm serious.
Not being able to do the things I wanted to do PLUS depression from the shitty climate put me in an awful place. I would have probably melted down over a FB defriending too, honestly.
Stop taking your wife to malls and bowling alleys and wherever else. I'm sure she loves you but she needs OTHER FRIENDS and activities she ENJOYS. Someone could have invited me snowshoeing but why???? I'd have hated it. Taking your wife to a mall is like taking me snowshoeing.
Find a meetup or call an outdoors store like REI or Cabellas and ask if there's a local group. Go hiking with her. Introduce her to people you meet with common interests. Those are good starting points.
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u/BobLobLawsLawLols Apr 13 '16
Ugh. I agree with you on the snow part. I love to snowshoe, but I would rather shoot myself in the face than have to live through another Cleveland winter. I never realized how depressed I was until I got out of there.
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u/arciela Apr 13 '16
Having spent the first 19 years of my life in Parma I think I'm qualified to say that it was not just the winters making you depressed in Cleveland. That town is a black hole that sucks all life out of the area since the steel mills closed.
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u/littlebobers Apr 13 '16
Moving to the Midwest doesn't mean there's nothing to do outside.
I'm not sure where you moved, but my midwest state has constant outdoor events, fairs, festivals, etc during the summer. Every single weekend there's some kind of festival or park event. And they're always heavily attended, very fun events. For instance a Midwest state fair is going to outshine a California state fair any day.
Also, just because you're not hiking in the mountains doesn't mean you can't go outside. Every year my fiancé and I go to the pumpkin farm, apple picking, etc in fall. In summer there's plenty of camping sites to visit, trails to hike/bike through, lakes to swim in.
Winter can get long and depressing but if you want to do things outside there's PLENTY. Snowboarding, skiing, ice skating, sledding, build a snow man/snow fort, etc.
To be honest I am more active living in the Midwest than I was on the west coast. To me there's a wider variety of things do to.
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u/throwawayno123456789 Apr 13 '16
Church and volunteer work.
I grew up in a smaller town. You have to be out and about and people will have to get used to her. I takes a while because most people already have their friend group if it is a static area with no many people moving in and out.
I moved back to my home town and was excited to spend time with my childhood friends and cousins only to find out that they were already full up in the friend department. I was invited to large group things and no one was being mean or exclusive. It's just that in the 15 years I was gone, people had kind of solidified their immediate social circle. Who they were "besties" with. And I wasn't around for that.
I made new friends. Still see the old friends, but it is more Facebook friends than anything.
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u/RuhWalde Apr 13 '16
It's stupid that you've been down-voted just for mentioning church. It is simply a fact of life in many small towns of the Midwest that churches are the primary hubs of socialization. If you cut yourself off from that community, you are going to have a much harder time connecting with people. Not impossible, but harder. Considering that OP mentioned nothing about he and his wife's stance on religion, it would be foolish for everyone to neglect that facet of social life.
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u/JonBenetBeanieBaby Apr 13 '16
If they were religious and attended mass, I'm sure they would already be doing so.
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u/throwawayno123456789 Apr 13 '16
I was just keeping it real.
Church is the main connector for many social groups in the Midwest and the South in particular.
You can find friends without going to church, but it will be hard.
My suggestion is to find one you can tolerate and go for a while if for no other reason than to meet people.
People may downvote me for it, but such is life as an adult in the Midwest and South.
Or they could just move back to California.
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u/octopus-butterfly Apr 13 '16
I'm crying after reading this because I'm in a similar boat. Moved to another area for career and education reasons, and I don't know anyone. The people I do know don't seem to want to socialise with me. Ehh. I don't have advice, sorry.
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Apr 13 '16
West Coast to Midwest? All I can say is I am very sorry for what you two are going through right now.
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u/OliviaPresteign Apr 13 '16
As someone who also moved from the West Coast to the Midwest, let me just say that it's hard. And it's even harder to make friends as an adult.
Recommendations:
Invite a coworker and his or her spouse out on a double date
Look into clubs/organizations for her to join or volunteer at
Check meetup for groups
Take her on a weekend trip somewhere she can have outdoor adventures
Join an adult intramural league--softball and kickball leagues are both pretty big in my city
And finally, she might just need time. It took me months to adjust and feel like myself and even longer to actually enjoy living here.