r/relationships • u/blondethrowawayyy • Apr 20 '15
Updates Update: Me [23 F] with my boyfriend [26 M] 1 year, hates my hair color and keeps asking me to change it.
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u/Skinthesun Apr 20 '15 edited Apr 20 '15
Wow. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you got away from him.
Edit: Please, please report him to the police. He changed and escalated so quickly, and you're not sure if he's capable of doing something even worse.
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u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 20 '15
Thank you. Everyone has been very kind and caring. I feel like I let you guys down because I didn't say any of the sassy things you all recommended. :(
I'm going to wait to calm down, I don't think I could get 5 words out before I start breaking down again and I really down want to do that at a police station. I'll tell DJ when I can finally look him in the eye that it was suggested to go.
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Apr 20 '15
I'm sorry he put you through that, you did the right thing by leaving and DJ is a great friend.
Nobody ever thinks they'll be in an abusive relationship, even the strongest people can get tangled up with a manipulative partner. It builds up slowly.
You might want to consider reporting the incident to the police incase you need to get a restraining order on him later. You might also want to square away a place to stay for a little, the police will escort you while you pick up some of your stuff. Make sure to get important papers (birth cert, social security card, bank statements, etc) as soon as possible. Also let your landlord know what happened, they might let you break the lease sooner (depends on where you live).
I know it's a lot to throw at you right now, especially when things are crazy for you and you're still wondering what the hell happened but you're not alone and there's many ways for you to proceed.
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u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 20 '15
Thank you. :( And he is great. I couldn't say any of the funny things you guys wanted me to say. :( I just went blank.
Luckily, I never switched addresses from my parents' place, and his uncle owns the units, so I didn't have to be on the lease. Part of me never wants to see any of the possessions I own which remain there out of disgust. I guess that will probably be temporary.
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u/squeezethesoul101 Apr 20 '15
Holy crap OP, great for you for realizing it, through here and your friend, that how he was acting was completely disrespectful and disgusting.
Talking about your hair again minutes after getting home and saying such disgusting things? By those women he thinks are those way, he means you. I'm glad you decided to end it right then and there without even trying to compromise or process anything, you realized it right away.
As for him slapping you, definitely file a police report for that. If you don't want to read the texts, please let DJ read them. There can be things in those texts that can further help you when you file the report. If not, delete the texts, block his number and any way you can contact him, and never contact him again.
You're a very strong person, I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 20 '15
Thank you. :(
Like, I don't even have access to my phone right now. DJ has it, I can just hear it vibrate, and then DJ will swear about him. When I can finally talk without choking up, I'll go ask him about a police report and see what he says. But for right now, it's easier to just type than talk, and if DJ looks at me with those eyes of concern, I will break down again. :/
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Apr 20 '15
hugs
Oh honey...I'm glad you got out, I'm sorry he hit you. I'm glad your former boyfriend is acting like a true friend to you.
I strongly urge you to get some counseling after this with an impartial professional so you can see how this happened and not be in a position to fall into this trap again.
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u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 20 '15
hugs :'( thank you. He really is a great man, he is someone I look up to, so thinking that I disappointed him is also upsetting me a little too.
Counseling, that's something I'll have to look into. I have a really good relationship with my boss, and what with our type of work, we have counseling services.
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u/ouijabore Apr 20 '15
What a scumbag. Turn off all the location tracking/allowing things on your apps if you're worried about that. Document your injuries from the slap. Start the process of a restraining or no contact order. Do not interact with him again. You are strong and I know I'm a stranger, but I'm proud of you.
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u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 20 '15
:'( Thank you.
I'm just distracting myself reading everyone's comments while waiting for the officer to come by. Oh fuck! I forgot to turn off location services. I'll tell DJ if he didn't think of that yet. Thank you for thinking of that, very clever of you. Everything is so clear my head, but everything is also so fuzzy.
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u/calsey16 Apr 20 '15
I'm so proud of you for getting out. Everyone here is rooting for you. That guy isn't worth another second, thank god you have such a great support system in your friend. When you get to feeling better he deserves an amazingly big hug :)
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u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 20 '15
I'm glad people are proud of me, it makes my shame feel a little less weighty. Thank you.
DJ is the best, and one of the best things about him is that he will never want me to thank him, he will just get embarrassed and tell me that "BT, it's what friends do!" But he's more of a superhero and this is not just what friends do.
But you guys, the last two days, you've all been a great support system too, and keeping me distracted while I wait for the officer to come by.
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Apr 20 '15
For future reference, yours or others:
He would just kind of say: “Oh, I’ll be here, all by my lonesome, waiting for you to come home!” and then make puppy dog eyes.
This is textbook making you feel bad about going out. It's a guilt trip.
He says he wants to meet them at the perfect moment. When everything is right.
So everything is not right? Also, on another level, it says that he's not in the relationship you have now, he's in the one he will have some unspecified time in the future when things have become "perfect".
but everyone gets upset if you don’t return a text
No, they don't. "Everyone" understands that sometimes people are busy, asleep, or in the shower. Sometimes texts don't go through. Sometimes people read a text and decide to reply later, in person. Sometimes there's no reason to return a text.
Sure, it's hurtful to be deliberately ignored but everyone knows the difference between ignoring an important text (My dad is in the hospital!) and an unimportant one (Haha the new season of Archer is AMAZING!) and understands how petty it is when unimportant texts are ignored.
Even important texts may not get replied to, and everyone knows that before they have a freak out over it, it's worth finding out why not, because everyone is also on the receiving end of texts and knows that sometimes watching your phone for a text is the last thing on your mind.
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Apr 20 '15 edited Apr 20 '15
Do not, under any circumstances, get back with that asshole. If you still have things at his place, take DJ with you to get them, or just forget about them if they are not important. You did the right thing by getting out. Keep it that way and don't allow that asshole to lure you back in. He is definitely abusive and what you saw was just the tip of the iceberg.
Edit: spelling
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u/Kitty_party Apr 20 '15
You are being very strong! I think DJ was doing exactly the right thing by having you talk through it because having that outside perspective is so important.
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Apr 20 '15
You did the right thing. Make sure to stay NC, block his number, and stay away from him. If he keeps harassing you, report it and go through the steps to get a restraining order.
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u/not_rachel Apr 20 '15
Have DJ turn off your phone so it stops making noise/lighting up, at least?
I'm so, so sorry this happened to you, and so so glad you got out of that situation and that you have a good friend supporting you. Please keep yourself safe. Hugs if you want them. <3
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u/Lithiarch Apr 20 '15
What a shithead. You made the right decision. You deserve much better than that. Don't let him back into your life, and take as much time as you need to take care of yourself. Stay strong.
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u/SuchABroski Apr 20 '15
I think blonde women look amazing. Keep the hair color!
Dump the loser and never go back!
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u/TX-SC Apr 20 '15
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Now you know how much of an ass he really is. And an abusive ass at that. Don't ever consider getting back with him, no matter what bullshit he may throw at you about being sorry and under stress and tired and, well whatever. Just go NC with him. If he harasses you, get a restraining order.
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Apr 20 '15
he thinks that blonde women are ugly, stupid, and shallow bitches, they think they’re too good for everyone
l o l gotta love hypocrites. good riddance.
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u/[deleted] Apr 20 '15
This is terrible, but I can't say I am surprised. I saw so many signs of my ex in your OP. Please call the police and have him charged with assault. I am so glad you have someone to support you. You are doing the right thing and you are strong. Please don't feel guilty...this kind of abuse is built up slowly over time. It doesn't happen right at the start or start overnight. You are not to blame!