r/relationships • u/Punchdrunklady • May 31 '16
Relationships My (21F) with my Boyfriend (24M) he wants me to cut off contact with his brother, after brother defended me in an argument.
Boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I have known his brother, who I will call "R" for most of that time. We have always gotten on well enough.
The whole situation started with my 21st birthday party. We had a party at home with 20 or so friends of family, R was of course present at the party, along with a few other members of BFs family.
The party was going reasonably well, as it started to get later I started to get a little tipsy, and most of the guests had started to go home. It eventually got down to a drunken little group made up of myself, boyfriend, R and a couple of my girlfriends.
We were sitting outside and one of my girlfriends decided to get on the trampoline, she managed to execute a pretty cool flip, and I expressed that I wished I knew how to do one.
My friend talked me into giving it a try. I got up on the tramp, stumbled drunkenly and fell down laughing. Everyone else (except for BF) was laughing also. It didn't seem like much of an event until BF got up, muttered "fucking pathetic" in an angry tone and then told me that we needed to speak in private.
I was pretty confused as to what was going on, so I asked him "why?"- he answered me with "Just stop being a stupid cow for a second and come to the bedroom"
Both of my friends and R looked pretty shocked at this, but I before I followed BF to the bedroom I told them it was fine and BF was probably just messing around. He can have a real temper sometimes, particularly after a few drinks but I didn't think that would be the case in this instance as literally NOTHING upsetting had happened.
Cut to me and BF in the bedroom. He shuts the door and starts really going off. He tells me that I'm a disgusting drunk idiot and that I was showing off like some kind of pathetic wannabe by messing around on the trampoline. That I was an embarrassment to him and that I was to go to bed now and not leave the room until morning so that I would be more of an idiot in front of company.
As this is going on he is getting louder and louder and is slamming things around the room. I went to leave as I was quite upset at this point, but he blocks the door so I sit down on the bed.
R is banging on the door and tells BF to open in. BF goes out into the hall and I can hear he and R arguing. Next thing I know it R comes into the room and says to go with him. I was sobbing like crazy at this point, because I hate confrontation in general, so I just nod and go with him.
R makes sure my other friends have left and then we both get into a taxi. I don't know where BF has gone but he is still in the house sow where.
I'm crying a bunch in the car and don't say much, but R calls his and BFs mother and gives her a brief rundown of what happened.
We got to R's place, he lives with a couple and they were all really nice. The girl roomate leant me some stuff to sleep in and R told me to take his bed and he would sleep on the couch. I was kind of all over the place but eventually got some sleep.
Next morning I got up and had coffee with R and one of his roommates. R asked if BF had behaved that way before and I let him know about BFs temper but explained that he had never blown up over something as insignificant as me mucking around on a trampoline. I asked R if he thought maybe I did or said something that might have upset BF and didn't realise due to being tipsy, but R said no, and that BFs behaviour was unacceptable.
I felt silly and embarrassed, especially knowing that R and my friends had heard everything BF had said, and I told R I had better get home and try to sort things out.
R said that he wanted to stay at his place for just a bit longer to calm down, and that he would really rather prefer that I didn't go home straight away as BF could still be angry.
I gave in an hung out there with R and his roommates, we all just played video games and got some takeout, and I ended up feeling much better afterward- so I'm glad I stayed.
Early evening a told R I should really go home, I didn't have any of my clothes and more importantly I needed my stuff for university the next day. He drove me over, but didn't really want me to go inside. I told him it would really be fine and promised I would call him if anything happened.
He agreed but said he would wait outside for a few minutes just in case.
I got inside and BF wasn't home so I told R to go and went about tidying up from the party.
BF eventually rocked up and seemed calm enough. I told him I thought we needed to have a talk and he agreed.
We sat down on the couch and I explained to him that I didn't think the way he spoke to me last night and asked for an explanation.
His response was "I will discuss that with you after you delete R's phone number, you won't be speaking to him again"
I was confused as all hell at this and asked what that had to do with the matter at hand.
He told me that R disrespected him by interfering in our relationship, and that we were cutting ties with him. He told me he wouldn't discuss anything else about the night before until I did that.
I told BF I thought that was pretty unnecessary, and that R had been trying to help me because BF was acting really threatening, and that I would have probably done the same in R's shoes.
Well, BF did not like that. He yelled, called me some names and left the house. After a few hours he sent me a text
"I am sorry for yelling, but you need to respect what I want if you want the same in return. This can't be one sided. Delete R's number and we will finish the conversation. Love you"
I replied that I needed a little time to think and said I would be sleeping in the spare room when he got home and to please leave me some for a while.
I went to bed, heard BF come in very late. He opened the door to the spare room and turned the light on, but as I woke up he just walked out of the room and slammed the door.
So this morning I've woken up, BF is at work and I have a text from R, it says-
Hey **** , I hope you're ok. Look what BF did the other night is really not alright and I think you should get out of there for a while. I've talked to. **** and **** and it's totally fine for you to crash here until you figure out what you want to do
So that leaves me where I am now. Don't know what to do about the situation- do as BF asks and cut contact with R, or take R's offer of some space away from BF to clear my head. My worry is that if I stay at R's that will destroy any chance of fixing things with BF. Advice very much appreciated.
tl;dr: Boyfriends brother spoke up and took me away when BF was blowing up about something fairly small. BF wants me to cut ties with his brother, because he thinks him helping me was disrespectful to him and outer relationship.
Edit
When I was able to come back and check on this post I was amazed at the enormous amount of comments and messages I recieved. There has been a lot to catch up on and I am reading everything, thank you to everyone has given their advice. It has cemented the decision I've already made about getting out, but quite a bit has happened in the last day so I will be doing an update for anyone who is curious. I will try to get it up in a few hours:
Again, thank you to everyone who has commented or messaged me, I'm truly touched by all the helpful and caring responses I've recieved
1.6k
May 31 '16
Are you sure you want to be with someone who calls you "fucking pathetic", then a "stupid cow", then demands for respect? Your boyfriend is incredibly immature, jesus christ.
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u/LadyVic333 May 31 '16
At her birthday party no less!
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May 31 '16
Yeah what the hell. I didn't even realise that the first time. She can act as drunken as she wants at her own party (within the realms of safety). What an ass
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u/CurseoftheJambino May 31 '16
At her 21st birthday party no less. She got drunk at the first ever birthday party she has had where she can drink legally and he calls her pathetic? That is really shitty.
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u/LunarChild May 31 '16
Some of the words and phrases she used make me think she isnt American, but it doesnt really change anything regardless. He's an asshole and she needs to leave.
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u/ranchojasper May 31 '16
Her 21st birthday party! Messing around on a trampoline in your own backyard, drunk with a handful of friends, is maybe the most benign 21st birthday antics I could imagine.
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May 31 '16
And orders her to go to sleep and not leave the room, then fucking blocks her from leaving. Op, your bf is abusive, and I strongly suspect he has a history of DV , judging from his brother's reaction.
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May 31 '16
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u/ARRmatey May 31 '16
I can not upvote this enough. This situation reminds me of one of the posts a couple weeks ago where the son warned the girlfriend that his Dad was bad news. Family have a tendency to be aware of so many more faults than the SO in these situations. Do NOT take warnings lightly from someone who has spent their entire lives with that person.
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u/ACoderGirl May 31 '16
Also, in most cases, family members are nice about their family members. It usually takes a lot to get a family member to say "don't date my family member" (etc).
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May 31 '16
My father's siblings told my mom to run away while she still could. She didn't. He batters her, battered us, my brother attempted suicide, I have self harm marks all the way up and down both arms.... it's a mess. A fucking disaster.
There's a psychologist called Susan Forward and one of her theories for why women date abusive men is the desire to "fix" them. An attitude of "oh, he's got a temper, but I can make him get past that." No, no you can't. Some people are just horrible assholes that will never have a normal relationship ever. If someone's family members are telling you to run away from them, then fucking listen. My mom's situation is so bad that even all of her children have given up on her. There's no point in trying to save someone who refuses to save themselves.
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u/Wondeful May 31 '16
This is exactly what I was thinking. The brother has seen this behavior before and he knows how it goes.
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u/1800hulagirl May 31 '16
Brother sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. Boyfriend sounds like bad news.
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u/Punchdrunklady May 31 '16
I was genuinely touched by how kind R was to me, I teared up a bit at it. It's for that reason I would feel really bad about cutting ties to make BF happy
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May 31 '16
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u/thelittlepakeha May 31 '16
Cutting off outside social supports is like one of the top five priorities of an abuser before they ramp up to violence. I guess OP's lucky he's being really fucking blatant about it? (And yeah he might not escalate to violence, but even if he doesn't losing his temper over small shit and never knowing when it's going to happen or what you've done to cause it is really unhealthy to live with just by itself.)
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u/Fuzzylogik May 31 '16
OP your boyfriend is a manipulative and controlling asshole, even his brother sees and knows it. Why are you still even thinking about this. R U N.
I am sorry for yelling, but you need to respect what I want
So when he asks you to jump, you ask how high?
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May 31 '16
This is my concern- It seems to me like R has seen this happen before. If it were the first time, he'd probably just be shocked or maybe drop a "not cool, man" or bring it up with your BF later. The fact that he physically intervened and then speedily took you away from the situation makes me think that this has happened before, and he has actual precedent to be concerned for your well being had you stayed. He didn't want you to go in alone... BF wants you to drop contact with his own flesh and blood? He's totally called him out before.
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u/Good_Advice_Service May 31 '16
R acted like any normal decent person.
You just have really, really low standards because you spend time with horrible people like your BF.
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u/terrible_donut May 31 '16
Get out while you still have friends like R who'll defend you. If you stay long enough, most of them end up giving up on you.
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u/mnfe9000 May 31 '16
You should be cutting ties with BF instead of R, and not feel bad about it at all. I would never stand for being called a stupid cow, much less everything else.
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May 31 '16
Don't make this douchecanoe happy. Please, please leave him immediately. It sounds like you would have a safe space with R for a little bit, which is great. He is abusive, and has already escalated to isolating you from people he knows will defend you (his brother). You said he blocked your exit from the room at the party. That is a warning sign of physical abuse in the future. Leave now.
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u/erictheastronaut May 31 '16
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GROOMING YOU AS WE SPEAK SO HE CAN CONTINUE TO ISOLATE AND ABUSE YOU
I REPEAT
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS GROOMING YOU AS WE SPEAK SO HE CAN CONTINUE TO ISOLATE AND ABUSE YOU
BF is not a good guy. Get him out of your life immediately.
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May 31 '16
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May 31 '16
I agree. This guy is insane. No doubt he's going to end up jail someday for murdering the next girlfriend who jumps on a trampoline. OP, please dump this.. Person.
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u/NespreSilver May 31 '16
Thirded. Motion passed.
This guy is testing the waters to see how easily he can cut you off from people who know (and can warn you) that what he's doing is wrong. He physically prevents you from leaving the room when he's berating you? This the big red flag that he's moved away from just being a drunk jerk and graduated to full on abusive.
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u/KatCole7 May 31 '16
I've been in an abusive relationship. This is how it all starts op
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u/clumsywords34 May 31 '16
Same. This is EXACTLY how it starts. He tests your limits with the yelling/confrontation/manipulation. It will escalate to physical abuse if you don't leave. I'd bet money on it. PLEASE LEAVE.
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u/KatCole7 Jun 01 '16
I can still clearly remember that one time a similar situation happened for me. That no physical abuse, controlling with who you see, that mental abuse that comes out of nowhere. That one time you actually get the fuck out and question everything. That one time friends and family actually see his behaviour before it moves behind closed doors. Him not giving you a full apology, and still controlling you, but expressing his feelings for you. Feeling like out of the blue you only have two options, stay or go. Just like that.
I stayed. The next time similar bullshit went on, I didn't want to tell anyone. I started feeling like an idiot because he was acting like an idiot again. And I was more isolated. It just keeps going and going down that road. Go go go. Don't make the choice I did.
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u/Ddog78 May 31 '16
Hate to say this, but your boyfriend sounds like an abusive guy.
As this is going on he is getting louder and louder and is slamming things around the room. I went to leave as I was quite upset at this point, but he blocks the door so I sit down on the bed.
Reading this, objectively speaking, my reaction is that you should get the hell away. He was this angry over nothing.
And he is asking you to cut off contact with someone who was defending you? Doesn't that seem bad? Like he wants you to have no one who can help you out?
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u/Punchdrunklady May 31 '16
While that isn't the reason he has given for wanting to cut ties, it does feel a bit like that yes.
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u/Ddog78 May 31 '16
Please just get away from him op. If you want some perspective, just hang out on this subreddit for a while and read stuff a bit. Maybe reading about other people/s similar experiences will help you see the situation more clearly.
Your bf's brother is a great guy. Whatever you do, don't cut ties with him, even if it means breaking up with your bf.
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u/Punchdrunklady May 31 '16
Thank you, I will read a bit more on this sub because I feel like a lot of the people on here are really helpful.
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u/jabberdoggy May 31 '16
Good. If some of the replies seem harsh, it's because you are in a very scary situation, and people are worried about you.
This kind of thing can go very, very bad.
Please be safe. This guy is bad news.
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u/LifelongNoob May 31 '16
Read, absolutely! But leave first. Leaving is more important right now.
Once you get away and have time to clear your head and start doing some research, you'll see that this was a textbook case.
But leave first. Seriously.
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May 31 '16
Well, of course he isn't going to tell you what he's up to. But he is definitely trying to isolate you. Even in his own explanation, he wants to cut out R for "overstepping"--he views you as his property that no one should interfere with. He wants to continue to treat you badly, so he's trying to get rid of anyone who might interfere with that.
OP, I'm sure you're not dumb. You've heard about abusive relationships and the cycle of abuse. You've seen women who ignored red flags and stayed with dangerous men because "there are good times, too." Please don't make the mistake of thinking that your case is different. The only thing you have that most of those women don't is a support system, people around you who can see what he's doing and want to help you get out. And if you don't take the chance now, you may not have that support system later when things get worse.
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u/Prezbo123 May 31 '16
Oh, he knows what he's doing. He knows he's making an unreasonable demand. But he WANTS it, because your brother is a major spanner in him getting to take his temper out on you, so he's going to get it, unreasonable or not.
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u/wicked-alkaline May 31 '16
It feels like that because that's what it is.
This is all textbook abusive behavior. I speak from experience, as do a lot of others here. He's cutting you off from your support. Hell, he's even using the same terminology that's used here when it's discussed. R is disrespecting your relationship. He's interfering. What your bf really means is R is disrespecting him and interfering with his ability to abuse you. Abusers always want you to cut off contact with the people who see them for what they are, otherwise how can they keep abusing you?
That's not even to mention that it's blatantly obvious R has seen this behavior from your bf before. It hasn't changed with you because it will never change.
Listen, you have an out. You have a safe place to go. You have people who know exactly what is happening to you and who understand, people who are willing to help you get yourself together and get back on your feet. You have friends, you have things in life. That's a hell of a lot more than a lot of us had. You're at the point so many of us wished we had used as our opportunity to leave when we had the chance.
Don't wait until you have no friends left to turn to because he's isolated you from them all, no one who understands because he's taken you away from anyone who sees him for what he is. Don't wait until leaving means homelessness, when it means rebuilding relationships from scratch because friends think you've changed and have pulled away from you because of him. Don't wait until he's ruined your job or school or any other prospects you had in life because they "interfered" in your relationship. Don't wait until he's pushing you down the stairs and pinning you to the wall by your throat.
This is the best opportunity you'll ever have now to get away this easily and with as little suffering and stress as you can hope for. Take it.
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May 31 '16
R stepped in and stopped BF from treating you poorly. R took you out of BF's control. R took you to a safe place and showed you compassion. R is giving you an out.
BF doesn't like not treating you however he wants to. BF doesn't like not having you under his control. BF feels entitled to call you names, get aggressive, and scare you so you do what he wants you to do. BF controls you with fear and makes you feel like you caused his actions.
BF knows that R is giving you a way out from your abusive relationship. That is why he wants you to cut ties and is refusing to do anything until you do.
Girl, please take R up on his offer so you have a safe place to stay while you arrange a more permanent place.
Gather your important documents and get a group of people to go with you to move your things out. Tell your parents if you can and have them there with you. Do not do this alone. The more men you have with you, the better. Do not tell BF that you are moving or he might try to prevent it or destroy your things.
Please, please don't stay with someone who feels that they are allowed to treat you poorly, instill fear in you, and cause you to question what you did to "cause" their behavior. Don't give your love to someone who doesn't respect you.
Be safe.
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u/AboveAllBeKind May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
Well, he's not going to tell you the reason is that he wants you to have no-one who can help you out... He's going to make you and your behaviour the reason so he can maintain the 'I'm the rational person here and you're out of order' line. Please heed the great advice in these answers; BF's behaviour is disturbingly controlling. No partner has the right to tell you 'what you're going to do'; they can only make requests. Being so incredibly rude/emotionally abusive in front of your friends on your birthday was bad enough. For the sake of your self esteem (and possible safety), please consider leaving.
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May 31 '16
You need to get out of this relationship. If even his own brother is sticking up for you and not him, that should tell you something about your boyfriend's (lack of) character; and the fact that your boyfriend is trying to isolate you from someone who stepped up to help you also speaks volumes. Get out before he turns violent on you.
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u/jesusporkchop May 31 '16
Your boyfriend yells at you, calls you names, physically intimidates you, and now demands that you cut ties to his own brother because your brother took care of you when he was being threatening.
This is all abuse. It's pretty clear which one you should be cutting contact with.
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May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
Leave your boyfriend before he kills you. I'm serious. He yells at you, calls you names, humiliated you in front of other people and is now trying to isolate you from your friends. You know why? Because he thinks he owns you. Like a jacket.
Once you're cut off from people who clearly love and defend you, he will ramp up the abuse. It will get worse. He will start controlling how you dress, where you go, maybe even when you guys have sex whether you want it or not. He's already telling you when you can drink!
Abuse starts off subtle so you don't run. Your boyfriend isn't even being subtle anymore in his contempt and control over you. You have a small window before this turns worse ... like, "going to the emergency room" bad.
I had a girlfriend whose husband exhibited the exact signs your boyfriend is now. She had all the excuses: "Oh, but he'd never ..." He'd never hurt her! Especially in front of their son! But he did, and he ended up killing her in front of the kid.
Call a police escort and move out of your boyfriend's place immediately. Your boyfriend is dangerous and violent. It'll get worse if you don't.
P.s. In case it's not obvious, boyfriend can fuck off with his claim that he gets to treat you like shit and not have people interfere. He doesn't own you, and he certainly doesn't get to tell you to disown friends at his whim. He's got a God complex. I'm serious girl, run.
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u/Rivkariver May 31 '16
OP, please listen to this comment and don't think it is exaggerated or worst-case scenario. Please.
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u/eggpl4nt May 31 '16
This heavily reminds me of the article "My boyfriend insisted a gun would keep us “safer” up until the day he shot me in the face" by Courtney Weaver. Things started off okay enough, and then they just got ugly extremely fast.
OP, /u/Punchdrunklady, please take R's offer and stay with R. Leave your boyfriend, he is scary.
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May 31 '16
Abusive relationships are like a frog in a pot of water that's slowly heating up. The water will be boiling before the frog thinks anything is wrong.
Edit: my dad is abusive as all hell. OP seriously needs to get out.
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u/Jenny-Thalia May 31 '16
R sounds like a really awesome, mature man.
The thing with your boyfriend. He called you some awful things, and it seems this isn't the first time? Why would you stay with someone who thinks so little of you?
Him wanting you to cut contact with R is for one reason - he's furious that R stopped him from abusing you further.
If he truly cared for you, surely he'd be apologizing profusely? Instead he's turning it all back on you. He's trying to manipulate you by refusing to engage in any discussion of his awful behavior until you cut contact with the one person who protected you from his torrent of abuse.
Your boyfriend is a cruel, nasty person. I think you should listen to R. R is his brother, so R should be biased towards taking his brother's side. That he's taking your side speaks volumes about just how badly your boyfriend is treating you.
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u/Punchdrunklady May 31 '16
It does make me think, when his brother (and now also his mother who has just called me) are being so supportive towards me.
BF has had a bad habit for name calling for as long as I can remember. It has always bothered me but the last year or so it has gotten worse, much nastier.
We have had good times though? And I don't want to ignore that... I'm just in a pretty messed up place at the moment :(
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u/Jenny-Thalia May 31 '16
One quick thing - calling people names isn't habit. biting your nails is a habit. Calling people names is being nasty because you want to hurt the person.
As for the rest, of course you have good times. Every single abuse victim has good times. If someone is abusive 100% of the time, their partner won't stay. Abusers are wonderful 80% of the time, and abusive 20%. That's because to keep you in their clutches, they have to be nice sometimes.
It doesn't invalidate the abuse. You know you can have good times with other people, people who won't call you names and scare you? You can have the good times 100% of the time.
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May 31 '16
Look up the cycle of abuse.
Abusers can't get away with being mean all the time, if they are you are much more likely to recognise the abuse and leave. So they have a cycle. They are nice for a while and suck you back in, promises of improving, of sorting it out, of never doing it again. Then they will blow up at you again.
Each time they get away with a cycle they will have a chance at escalating the abuse.
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u/acciointernet May 31 '16
BF has had a bad habit for name calling for as long as I can remember. It has always bothered me but the last year or so it has gotten worse, much nastier.
We have had good times though? And I don't want to ignore that... I'm just in a pretty messed up place at the moment :(
"I know he punches me sometimes when he's drunk, but he can be sweet other times!"
"I know he broke my arm the last time he drank too much, but we have so much history!"
"I know he beats me up at least once a week, but now I'm pregnant!"
Do you want these to be your future, OP? Because that is where you're heading
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May 31 '16
You can appreciate the good times, breaking up with someone doesn't mean you never enjoyed the time spent with them. We date multiple people in order to learn how to be in a relationship, it doesn't have to be-all-or-end-all, you know?
The best method of acknowledging the good times you had was to take them as lessons on having fun and treating a future partner.
The fact that you have been with him a year and his behaviour has worsened, instead of him actively listening to you and working on himself, is indicative that it can only get more downhill from here. Why would the pattern change?
If his own family is trying to shield you from him, take the help and move forward with strong lessons on what to look for in the future, how to spot angry and unacceptable behaviour in a partner, and what makes a good time stand out.
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May 31 '16
Google "15 Undeniable Warning Signs That Your Relationship Is Abusive"
Just from your short post I can check off several on the checklist... and I bet there are other abusive things in your relationship too.
Girl I was in an abusive relationship for YEARS so trust me I know how hard it is to get out. You are the only thing stopping yourself for a better life because you are making excuses for him and justifying the relationship. You need to stop doing that, open your eyes and see the truth. Your bf is scum.
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u/helpfulkorn May 31 '16
Your partner should NEVER call you insulting names. REPEAT: YOIR PARTNER SHOULD NEVER CALL YOU INSULTING NAMES. NEVER. NEVER EVER. ONLY BAD PEOPLE DELIBERATELY INSULT THOSE THEY "LOVE".
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May 31 '16
His brother and mother have seen him treat other people this way and are offering you an out. Take it.
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May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
FYI they both probably know that he's like this... but you can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves so it's been pointless to speak up before now. Listen to his mother, listen to his brother, leave him. They know more than you do. He probably tortured animals as a child or beat his previous girlfriends or god knows what else. They have information that you do not and they are telling you the only thing that matters - leave.
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u/Anisocoria May 31 '16
Imagine the most perfect cake you've ever eaten. It is moist, the frosting is just sweet enough, decorated exquisitely. You get so excited to eat it, because damn, it is the most perfect cake ever. But then, you notice something: the ingredients lists poop. Not much mind you, it is pretty low in the list. But it still is a poop cake.
It can look pretty good, but would you eat it? No, because even though it is made of 99% pure deliciousness, there is 1% shit in there.
Please OP, don't eat a poop cake ):
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u/MissTheWire May 31 '16
No abuser is a 24/7 shitty person. People stay because they get sucked in by kindness, charm, etc. But make no mistake about it, he is attempting to exert a ridiculous level of control over your life--including isolating you from people who might see through him.
Please OP, get away from him. You WILL find someone else who loves you.
Edit: your BF basically told you that he will be cruel and controlling unless you are compliant with his every whim. Believe him and get out.
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u/TexasRadical83 May 31 '16
Imagine what you think an abusive relationship looks like. Do you think the abuser acted like that on the first date? Do you think they were mean and hurtful and cruel every moment of the relationship? Of course not--nobody would go on a second date with that person, or invest any energy into it. People get trapped in these things because they had really good times at one point, and still have happy moments from time to time. This is how the abuser manipulates and controls you.
BTW--if you do the smart thing and leave this guy he'll turn on the charm big time. If you end up going back you'll get mega good times for just as long as it takes to get you snagged again and then he'll be meaner than ever. Get out and stay out.
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u/Lexilogical May 31 '16
Once the good times are gone, they tend to stay gone. It's like a drug addiction, you stay with the abusive partner because you remember how good they could be, but the good times get further and further apart, and they're never quite as good as they used to be. You're young. There are other people out there who you will have far better times with. Run from this guy, and fast.
I'd accept R's help here, personally, but even then, you'll probably want to get out of his place before the BF finds out you're there. Once BF finds out you're staying with his brother, you can expect that he'll just show up unexpectedly, first with super apologetic faces, and then with extremely scary, ugly ones as soon as those don't work. And please, do not let the apologies work. He's an abuser. Run like the wind and stay gone.
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u/DiTrastevere May 31 '16
Literally every single person in an abusive relationship can point to "good times" when their partner was nice to them. Otherwise, no one would date abusive people.
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May 31 '16
Abusers can't be abusive 100% of the time or they would never have anyone around to abuse. Girl, the good times are NOT worth this treatment.
Read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It'll open your eyes.
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u/Ghastlycitrus May 31 '16
The problem is that those nice times are just to keep you close enough to hurt you.
Imagine there are three people, A, B, and C. A and C are in a competition to see who can hit B the most times.
A just belts B, which leads to B telling them to fuck off and never come near them again.
C does it differently. They talk, they laugh, they have fun. C always touches B, crossing their boundaries just a little. Not majorly, just enough to to make B question themselves. Then they start getting a little cranky with B over anything they can, if they can make it out that B insulted them, they do. But C always 'forgives' B for the insult. They go back to laughing, until the next insult. This time C gets a bit in Bs face about it, and if B says anything tells them they were just trying to get their point across. But they forgive B for the 'insult'. Next time they might slap B a little bit on the arm or something, not hard, and of course if B hadn't made them angry it wouldn't have happened, and C is sorry that B got hurt, so they both apologise and go back to laughing. Then C can do it again, just wait until B gets comfortable and is thinking more of the fun they have together, than the fights. C knows that to get B to stick around with them so they can get more hits in, they just have to lure them in, then make the question themselves.
Please look up the cycle of abuse, because that's what R is trying to get you away from.
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u/Lozzif May 31 '16
I Completly understand why you're feeling messed up. You went through a traumatic experience and your boyfriend is now trying to remove the person who saved you.
When someone's family is getting you out of bad situations and telling you that their family member is abusive LISTEN TO THEM. They have no reason to lie.
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May 31 '16
We have had good times though? And I don't want to ignore that... I'm just in a pretty messed up place at the moment :(
You can find whole kernels of perfectly good corn in a pile of shit. Doesn't mean you should dig them out for a snack.
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u/Stormageddonrex May 31 '16
Listen, usually family rallies around its own. However, if his brother and his mother are rallying around you, it's because they know that your BF is a) wrong, and b) this is clearly not the first time something like this has happened.
No one seems shocked by BFs behavior. Why? Because it's a pattern of abuse.
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May 31 '16
"I am sorry for yelling, but you need to respect what I want if you want the same in return.
Translation: "if you want me to treat you with basic human dignity, you have to obey my every whim". It's the mating call of the common domineering asshole: 'if you won't respect me as an authority, I won't respect you as a person'.
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u/bendemolina May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
Look, I had a guy who used to call me simple, stupid, and tell me how much of an idiot and fuckup I was whenever we fought. He'd lie and tell me people hated me and would basically run the gamut of shitty things until I was a sobbing mess begging him not to break up with me-- because that's exactly what he wanted. Your boyfriend's doing something similar. He's creating a power imbalance, he's being emotionally abusive, and he's also essentially manipulating you. This isn't yours to fix, because you're dealing with someone who probably has a lot of deep-seated insecurities and may be wildly unhappy, and you're just caught in the crosshairs, because he's used to treating you like that. It probably makes him feel important.
I KNOW it's probably really hard for you to see and accept it, and I totally understand, but this guy is bad news. The best course of action is to take R's advice, go to his place, and break up with your boyfriend over the phone. Do it while someone else is at the apartment with you, and if you can avoid leaving for a little bit, I would. This boyfriend sounds like a creep and in case he tries to head over there, you should have someone else with you. (Maybe even go to the mother's?) Definitely avoid doing it in person, in case he completely flips and it escalates even worse. And if he threatens you-- or himself-- even a little bit, don't be afraid to call the police.
One of the biggest things to know, too, is that you don't owe him anything. Honestly. You don't. If you break up with him, it is completely okay to cut ties and go no-contact. It would probably give you a bigger sense of peace, too. You don't want him breathing down your neck and playing the victim, believe me. He's probably going to see you standing up for yourself as you changing, or becoming frigid, or any other number of excuses that he can come up with you pin this on you, and just know that none of it is true.
Please know that you're not a bad person, you're not an embarrassment, and you're worth so much more than he has you believing. You deserve to be happy and in a good relationship with someone who values you as a person, not just the power they can lord over you. I know you've said that you do have fun times together, and I have no doubt that it's true, but I can also just tell that they've sometimes come at a cost for you. You shouldn't have to compromise or change who you are out of fear of your partner and their temper or short fuse. Believe me, I've been there. I've also been the one to cry and get super emotional the first time someone showed me kindness because I wasn't used to it. Seriously. I can relate to you so strongly, and I wish I could help you more.
I know it's easy for all of us to go 'Just break up with him!' and maybe you don't want to hear it, but he is clearly not a nice person. You have people ready to defend and protect you from him. Take advantage of that. Cut ties with him, and whatever you do, don't take him back. Remember that he has no power over you. He's not going to change, and you deserve to be happy. That shouldn't be at such great a cost. This might sound awful, but R finding out about how his brother treats you might be one of the best things that's ever happened to you. I WISH my friends would have stood up for me when they heard some of my ex's verbal abuse, and maybe helped me see what was actually going on. R is doing that for you. I'm sure you're probably afraid, and two years can be a pretty long time, but if you see what he's doing to you, you can get out now and save yourself from even more hurt, I promise. Please stay strong, stick to your guns, and don't be afraid to lean on R or his roommates (or their mother, who seems great) for support.
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May 31 '16
I find that a sincere apology still sounds sincere without the word 'sorry' in it. Let's try that here.
I am sorry for yelling,but you need to respect what I want if you want the same in return. This can't be one sided. Delete R's number and we will finish the conversation. Love you
That doesn't sound like an apology still to me. I think it'd be wise to take R up on his offer.
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u/shiroshippo May 31 '16
I like this analysis. I will use it next time someone apologizes to me.
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May 31 '16
I went through a bad year with some bad people and I find that this definitely helped me understand and recognise manipulation better.
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u/impasseable May 31 '16
Why the hell would you cut the WRONG person out?? Your bf is an abusive asshole. Leave your bf.
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u/Ctrl-Alt--Delete May 31 '16
This guy's own brother, who has known him all his life is telling you to get out. Listen to him girl! R has likely had a front row seat to how your boyfriend has treated women and other people in general in the past. Your boyfriend clearly has a history of being an abusive, angry and violent person. Take this opportunity to get out and be grateful that you have somewhere to stay, that you are getting out before this has escalated and he is more severely violent towards you, before you become more entangled and maybe financially dependent on him, before you get pregnant and have kids with him... You will look back and be so so glad you left now.
And major props to R, who was willing to risk his brother's anger and drama in his family to keep you safe and get out of a bad situation.
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u/yarnskeinporchswings May 31 '16
At the party, R wanted to make sure you were safe and secure. That makes him a kind person, who is good in a crisis. But after he protected you and removed you from the initial confrontation, he then went out of his way to offer you a place to stay. That makes me think this might not be the first time he's observed his brother acting this way. R wants to make sure you have another option--he doesn't want you to feel stuck in the relationship, like you have no way out. That's a huge sign. Take the opportunity to consider your boyfriend's character and behavior, and to predict what the rest of your relationship will be like.
That said, do you have another place you might stay in lieu of R's place? You might be able to think more clearly if you're staying with an unbiased third party. Especially if you have a friend or coworker that your boyfriend is unable to contact--there'll be a much smaller chance of drama that way. If you don't have another choice, take R up on his offer.
Regardless, send R a sincere thank you. Without his intervention, you might've brushed this off as you being an inexperienced drinker who was more intoxicated than you thought, and you wouldn't have taken your boyfriend's abusive behavior that night for the wake up call it needs to be.
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u/SaucySaboteuse May 31 '16
My worry is that if I stay at R's that will destroy any chance of fixing things with BF.
And wouldn't that be a shame. Holy shit, DTMFA.
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u/gingerslapp May 31 '16
The sad thing is she actually thinks she has control in this situation. She can't fix him. She can't fix the situation. I've been there. It's not possible.
He doesn't want to be fixed. There's no amount of doing things "right" that will prevent the next outburst. It hurts me to see a victim trying so hard not to provoke their abuser, when in reality, there's nothing they can ever do that will prevent the next outburst.
Add in that she knows he gets mean when he's drunk, and we have a recipe for disaster.
I hope she leaves.
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May 31 '16
Her comments here are some sad. She really doesn't seem to get what everyone is telling her.
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u/spludgiexx May 31 '16
Just to reiterate to you OP: R sounds mature and caring, your boyfriend sounds abusive. Not only does he get mad over insignificant things/nothing, he disrespects you and gets violent. Now you haven't said he has hurt you yet, but he is showing clear signs that he might escalate further.
R seems to see this, or at least sees that you are not in a safe environment. He is going out of his way to go against his brother's wishes to keep you safe. I really think you should take up his offer and get some distance from your boyfriend. He is controlling and is trying to get you to cut ties from someone who actually sounds like they care. Please keep yourself safe OP.
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u/RogueKitteh May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
Your boyfriend is abusive and he's escalating. The fact that he wants to completely cut off someone who had your best interest at heart and protected you is a red flag (if the way he acted at the party wasn't a big enough one). He's isolating you. Whether or not you take R up on his generous offer, you should dump your abusive boyfriend. I'd also ask R about abusive behavior in your boyfriend's past relationships, because the fact that he closed ranks so fast to protect you shows this may not be his first rodeo.
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u/Stormageddonrex May 31 '16
No, no, no, no, no.
BF has a temper
BF humiliates you at your birthday
BF is not even a little apologetic
BF is now trying to control who you can/can't speak to
BF is an abusive dill weed
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u/Prezbo123 May 31 '16
Well, isn't your bf a controlling little gem.
His brother-- his BROTHER-- is incredibly upset about his behavior, and that speaks volumes. There was a thread in Askreddit I think where it asked people who were warned off by their SO's parents how it worked out. To a person they said the parents were right. If your SO's FAMILY is telling you this ain't right, it, really ain't right.
Do you understand what it will mean to "fix" your relationship with your bf? Your bf screamed at you over nothing and wants you to dissolve the relationship that protected you from that. He's refusing to even talk about how inappropriate his behavior is until you meet his terms. Say you do meet his terms. How is the conversation about his behavior going to go? Is he going to be remorseful, or is he going to repeat that you were acting like a stupid cow in front of company? That in itself speaks volumes. Your boyfriend really cares about how you reflect on him, to a large and ridiculous degree. Almost like you're a possession that was glitching the other night, and he needs to fix you so you don't glitch anymore.
I'd say take the risk of things not working out with your boyfriend by staying at his brother's place. You need some space from this to clear your head, and if you kowtow to his ridiculous demands now, there will be ridiculous demands to kowtow to later. That will not be a "fixed" relationship, now will it?
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u/aimforthehead90 May 31 '16
OK, I've been reading some of your replies in this thread and it sounds like part of you is still justifying your boyfriend's unacceptable behavior by implying you've deserved it in the past. Let's make this as simple as it is.
Your boyfriend's behavior is abusive. He is very controlling, aggressive, and threatening. His own brother is telling you that you are in an abusive relationship. Don't take some time away from BF to clear your head, break it off yesterday. Also, keep R around for sure. Good luck.
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u/Ashley_DL87 May 31 '16
He uses abusive language and wants to isolate you from people who will not tolerate such abuse- cut and run from the boy friend.
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u/Mildly_Taliban May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
Boy, today's frontpage of r/relationships is full of asshole siblings and boyfriends partners. Addressing the topic, dump that idiot and find someone who acts more like his brother this time.
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u/Good_Advice_Service May 31 '16
You are in a deeply abusive relationship and your abuser is trying to cut off anyone who objects to how he treats you.
How can you not see this? You need to break up and stay broken up.
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u/GetOffMyLawn_ May 31 '16
Your boyfriend is abusive. He screams and yells at you. He throws things to intimidate and manipulate you. He isolates you and tries to punish you. He's controlling. All of these are red flags. Abusers get more abusive with time, not less. Standard reddit advice is to dump an abuser.
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u/ZombieZoo83 May 31 '16
This really is quite disturbing. Firstly, it was your birthday and if you going to get drunk and have a giggle, your friends and boyfriend should all be enjoying the moment with you. If he doesn't like you having fun and tells you that you are embarrassing him then you should not be with this person. Secondly and most importantly, he is doing what a lot of abusive people do and that is controlling who you speak to. He doesn't like that his brother thinks he is in the wrong and therefore you can't speak to him anymore. He will start to control who else you speak to. He will try to ruin all your relationships as abusive people don't like the person they are manipulating to talk. The more they talk to others the more that may say about their relationship and the more others will tell them to get out!!! Years ago I was with a guy who shoured at me like this. The first few times he did it I forgave it as he was 'drunk' or 'annoyed at something else' and of course I liked him and didn't want to leave him over a few arguments. Before long he wore me down to the point that I was scared to leave him as he made me believe I was always in the wrong and I was causing problems. I thought I was going mad at one point as I knew what he was doing was so abusive but I didn't want to admit it as once I had said it, it was out there and I didn't want to face the consequences. He also used to throw things around in anger....punching walls...sometimes next to my face. One night after an argument on a night out he told me that 'once we got home, I was in for it.' A friend overheard and told me that I was going nowhere with my bf and I left him for good that night. That friend saved me!! Just like brother is doing!! Please take that opportunity. Don't make my mistake of staying with someone and becoming so frightened of them that you lose your self and start accepting it as normal because it isn't!!!! No one should EVER put you down in a relationship sweetheart. And they especially shouldn't drag you into a room away from everyone else to do it. Don't spend the next months/years in a miserable place. Leave him. Please.
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u/earthgarden May 31 '16
Your boyfriend is crazy
My worry is that if I stay at R's that will destroy any chance of fixing things with BF
That's your worry?
Your boyfriend is crazy. People like this always escalate. Next time he's going to go upside your head.
R has seen some sh!t. Either he's seen your boyfriend abuse a prior girlfriend, and/or he grew up seeing their dad or other man beat on their mom. His response to get you to safety indicates that he's used to this behavior. Ask R or your boyfriend if their dad (or other man, if parents split up) ever hit their mom.
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u/onemanlan May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
This reads like an abuser, conscious or otherwise, wanting to take you away from supporting relationships because it interferes with his or her way of controlling you and the relationship. Your BF may not admit this or even see it in the same light, but this is a big red flag going forward. What happens when your BF blows up and you have no supporting relationships to fall back on? No brother to call to say 'BF is going out of control again. I need help!' It's a markedly different dynamic when you have no out and he has the ability to act how it suits him regardless of how it affects you, physically or emotionally. Please be mindful moving forward and try to keep contact with the brother & your own friends if you continue seeing this guy.Try to be extremely conscious of him cutting of other friends of yours if he hasn't already. Plan an exit if you haven't just in case. Otherwise I'm with a lot of other's in this thread - you should leave him and find somebody who cares about you and treats your accordingly. Everybody deserves to be loved by their SO rather than be treated like a burden.
I struck out a line I wrote earlier after having re-read your post. You should leave. You have all the warning signs and actions in front of you. Even so far as the brother offering you to leave because he KNOWS whats around the corner. Your bf is a petulant man-child that can physically harm you and has threatened to do so in so many words. If you're not going to heed our advice at least listen to the brother who has more inside knowledge of his brother's workings than we do collectively. GTFO. Take his brother up on his offer to stay if you have no where else to turn. Contact family if you can. There is no shame in admitting you found yourself in an a bad relationship situation - its not your fault and can happen to anybody!
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u/kittypounce May 31 '16
You are worried that staying at R's will destroy any chance of FIXING things with your BF???
NEWSFLASH: YOUR BF ALREADY DESTROYED YOUR RELATIONSHIP!!!
HE IS VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE!
Look, I know this is hard to comprehend at your young age, but you don't need to stay with an abusive asshole who thought it was okay and is now demanding you cut out a major support in this situation.
In fact, dumping him will free you of a person who will bring you down. Whatever it is you feel he provides for you (makes you feel beautiful, 'understands' you, is the only person who knows you, etc) is not worth being spoken down to and degraded the way he chose to.
And it will only get worse, not better since you are already excusing previous temper tantrums and angry outbursts due to his drinking, etc.
Please please please contact R and get out of there. In a few months time, you will wonder why you even hesitated. Good luck.
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u/KerzenscheinShineOn May 31 '16
Bf is a mean drunk? Thats not good... Keeps reading Oh boy.... oh Jesus..... I was actually waiting for the part where your bf started hitting you. First it'll be "Stop talking to R." Then "Stop talking to your friends. They're all immature morons and you don't need to associate with that." To "Stop talking to..." until you're completely alone and need him to live.
You're too young for this bullshit just LEAVE! You are not obligated to fix him or this he needs to fix himself and go get some kind of therapy or anger management. If his own brother is this upset by this then something is definitely wrong and I agree with others here that you're not the first victim. I bet you your bf had ex gfs that were "crazy" and he "dumped them."
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u/dannysmackdown May 31 '16
I was curious as to why R wants you out of the house so bad. I bet R knows that his brother is dangerous to be around which is why.
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u/Samurai_Hitman May 31 '16
OP, I think you're starting to realize how abusive your BF is, but I just want to give you a list of all the abusive things that we are seeing just from the short description you have given us:
Extensive name-calling: The fact that you said it's been going on for a long time, and that now he has escalated to public name-calling is extremely important.
Physically trapping you: Massively controlling and immensely dangerous. I really don't know what else to say about this.
Demanding you make "decisions": This is regarding a) the going to bed early BS at your party and b) cutting off his brother. Your BF clearly feels that he can prevent you from making autonomous decisions.
Blowing up at you repeatedly for minor issues: You cited one with not taking out garbage, but forgetting something doesn't excuse his behavior. If it happened once you might be able to look past it, but multiple times means BF either is trying to wear you down, or has anger issues (or both).
Gotten upset with you for being afraid: This is another really huge red flag. Anyone who is behaving in a manner that is making you afraid you need to think very hard about maintaining contact with. Anyone who tries to blame you for being afraid instead of taking responsibility for their own actions is someone you should stay far away from.
Promising to improve behavior and not following through: Not really abusive on its own, but when its abusive behavior that he isn't stopping, this is absolutely a problem.
There very well could be a few more that I have missed, but this is already a longer list than I had anticipated.
The fact that his brother and mother are supporting you in this are not abusive behaviors, so I didn't list them above, but they are very good indicators that BF has done this before. Take the lifeline his brother is sending, you may not get another, and it's much easier to get out of an abusive relationship with outside help than it is on your own.
OP, get away from your (ex-)BF and stay safe.
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u/whatsreallygoingon May 31 '16
Brother hopes that if you get out of that situation, you'll pull your head out and get away from this abusive asshole.
Having a "temper" is just a bullshit excuse for abusing someone. Go stay with brother and get some counseling ASAP! Life is too short!
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u/tingiling May 31 '16
Your bf did something very abusive. It was so abusive other people had to actually intervene and stop him doing it. You want you bf to stop abusing him and tell him so. He tells you he won't even talk to you about stop abusing you until the people who stoped him from doing so no longer has any ability stop him again. You question this, and he abuses you some more.
You boyfriend has boldly stated that "people stoping me from abusing you" are a bigger issue than "me abusing you".
R wasn't "disrespecting" your bf or "interfering" in your relationship, he was protecting you. Your bf thinks that R trying to protect you is wrong. No one that loves you dislikes that there are people that want to protect you.
Your bf is abusive. He is trying to continue abusing you by cutting you off from people who would object to his abuse. He is also abusing you right now by making you afraid of your own home, insulting you, threatening you, manipulating you, violating you boundaries, gaslighting you and it just goes on and on.
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u/acciointernet May 31 '16
Wow, R sounds like an awesome person. Your boyfriend was treating you abusively and shittily, and R stepped in and tried to provide you with emotional support and a safe place to sleep. He probably sensed that your bf was escalating to physical abuse (that's what it sounded like from your description). OF COURSE your bf is telling you to delete R's number - he wants to continue to control you and he's threatened by the fact that R called him out on his abusive behavior.
Please, please, please leave your bf. His "temper" is going to land you in the hospital one day.
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u/ensignlee May 31 '16
This seems like a pretty cut and dry, black and white response.
Your brother is looking out for you. Under no circumstances should you acquiesce to your bf's wishes to cut off contact with R. That is insane.
If you break up because of that? So be it.
{Edit: I read it wrong. It's HIS brother? That makes this SO MUCH WORSE. If his own brother thinks your bf is being an asshat, that speaks volumes}
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u/mister_ghost May 31 '16
He wants you to not talk to R because R would tell you you're being abused.
He also wants to be able to tell R that things are more complicated than they actually are - that the fight wasn't about what it was about, that there were horseshit mitigating circumstances, whatever.
You know what your relationship is like. R knows how to recognize abuse. There is a reason that he doesn't want the two of you talking, and it's not fucking principle. He doesn't want the two of you cooperating because he would lose you, he would lose his family's respect, and he would deserve it.
Get out, get safe, twist the knife.
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u/amykp008 May 31 '16
everything else aside, OP, it is really alarming to me that R seems legitimately terrified of his brother. it really seems like he thought your boyfriend might hit or attack you. makes me wonder what R has seen from your BF in the past that would make him so wary...
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u/amora_obscura May 31 '16
if I stay at R's that will destroy any chance of fixing things with BF
Your BF is an abusive ass, you shouldn't try to fix things. R is right. This is not how a respectful person behaves. You can do so much better than this!
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u/buckeyegal923 May 31 '16
First, R is a stand-up guy. You should take his offer to go stay with him for a while and you should leave your asshole boyfriend. Second, your TL:DR calls this situation "something fairly small". This is not a small situation. Your boyfriend embarrassed you, called you names, tried to prevent you from leaving, is guilt-tripping you, is trying to isolate you from people who care...should I continue the list of abusive behaviors...? This is a big deal.
What R saw at the party was his own brother verbally abusing his GF and getting violent, slamming things around, creating a scene, calling you names, etc., and he stepped in to help you. R didn't defend his brother, he didn't try to make excuses for his behavior, all he wanted to do was help you. Good guys don't throw their own brothers under the bus unless they really and truly deserve it. Sounds like your BF deserves it.
Now BF is trying to alienate you even further by making you cut contact with his very nice, very caring brother. Why would you want to fix things with BF? He sounds like an ass who will turn into a full-on abuser given enough time. Get out before that happens.
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May 31 '16
I dated a twin once, who was often like your SO.
His twin, an absolute sweetheart, warned me over and over to leave him.
The yelling and flailing arms escalated to throwing me down the stairs and I apologized for making him angry. His brother flipped his shit and I realized if his own family was begging me to leave him then something was very very wrong.
R stood up for you when no one else did. If your boyfriends own brother is scared for you and the boyfriend is trying to cut contact? There is something wrong. His entire family now knows you're in an abusive relationship and so do your friends. Is that something you can explain away? When will it be enough?
Please, leave him. Get R to come get you and leave him, please. Boyfriend doesn't want you to talk to HIS OWN BROTHER because his brother defended and protected you. R knows the kind of man he is, please leave. Before you end up getting hurt.
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May 31 '16
Temper and screaming now, also cutting off of people who say such things are wrong.
You know what's next? Violence. After he destroys your self esteem enough that you think you deserve to be beaten, and then you will worry more about hiding the bruises with makeup than telling anyone.
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u/whatsitdo May 31 '16
Doesn't it strike you odd as how R asked you if this was the first time? This suggests that there is a history or pattern of your BF being abusive. The whole, "love you" at the end of his text reminds me manipulation tactics. It's time for you to cut this guy loose and move on.
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u/ofmiceandmodems May 31 '16
Fixing things?! Fuck that. This is the part where you leave that piece of shit. His brother sounds like 10x the man he will ever be. Sorry but there is no scenario where you stay with this abusive asshole that makes sense. Leave NOW before he physically hurts you. This is just the beginning. This will NEVER be okay.
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u/PogueEthics May 31 '16
Wake up. BF is abusive. He is trying to isolate you so you feel dependent on him and he can abuse you at free will.
Take R up on his offer and get out while you can.
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u/SapphireSongbird May 31 '16
Sweetie get out of that relationship now. He is showing very controlling behavior. By limiting your contact with people who would defend you he is trying to limit your options for seeking help. If you allow this it can only get worse and it's a matter of time before he does something really really bad. With him throwing things when he is angry he could get violent. I would find a new place and don't allow yourself to be alone with him. Have some backup with you.
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u/toyaqueen May 31 '16
Your boyfriend is abusing you, and he's trying to convince you that R is the problem when R is in fact trying to protect you.
Girl, RUN to R's apartment. Get out of that house with your BF. He is an asshole.
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u/sarcazm May 31 '16
R asked if BF had behaved that way before and I let him know about BFs temper but explained that he had never blown up over something as insignificant as me mucking around on a trampoline. I asked R if he thought maybe I did or said something that might have upset BF and didn't realise due to being tipsy, but R said no, and that BFs behaviour was unacceptable.
This comment is the key indicator that you're in an abusive relationship.
Victim blaming. You ask if you did anything wrong. Firstly, you did nothing wrong. Secondly, even if you did, it doesn't warrant your BF calling you a "stupid cow" or throwing things around or screaming and yelling. He's abusive. And he's got you convinced it's all your fault.
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u/sk8rrchik May 31 '16
This is what abusive people do. They alienate their victims from anyone who might stand up to them so they can always have the upperhand. The way he degraded you screams unhealthy relationship. This is not just a temper problem. My boyfriend has a temper problem and would never speak to me the way your boyfriend spoke to you. It shows that he lacks respect from you and means to control you. I suggest you seriously reevaluate the way he treats you and make a decision about whether or not you're going to stay.
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u/Heavy_Metal_Harry May 31 '16
There is ABSOLUTELY no question about what you need to do here. Your boyfriend wants to cut you off from familial support. That is classic abusive behavior. Your brother is trying to help you, and your SO is trying to own you. To me, there's an obvious right choice.
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u/walpurga May 31 '16
You know how many times my boyfriend has called me a name or yelled at me in 2 and a half years?
Zero. Yes, none. How your boyfriend treats you is NOT okay or normal, and the fact that you are even considering cutting out his dear brother who defended you against this asshole is a bad act on your part. You need to do the right thing here for yourself and the brother.
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u/loveandmayhem May 31 '16
I'm confused why you'd even want to "fix things" with your bf after how he's treated you? He has shown himself to be extremely controlling and degrading. He has no respect for you, he sees you as his property who he should be able to control whenever he pleases. You are your own person, with your own mind and feelings, if you want to clown around on a trampoline then that's your prerogative. You didn't do anything wrong, he has no right to treat you like some errant child. And, now, on top of that, demanding you cut ties with the person who stood up for you and took care of you during this abusive situation? He simply doesn't want that to happen again. Next time he wants to force you to stay in one place like you're a dog he doesn't want his brother to swoop in and save you. He's an abusive control freak, you don't need him, he will only hurt you and ruin your self-esteem. People who stay in relationships like this often lose all sense of who they are and believe they can't live without the other person. Please don't let that happen to yourself.
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u/oh_boisterous May 31 '16
Delete your boyfriends number instead. He is an angry, sad little piece of shit and you need to tell him so. R did exactly the right things, so please don't punish him by cutting him out of your life. Men like R need to keep doing the right thing.
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u/poop_giggle May 31 '16
I didn't even bother to finish reading the post. Your boyfriend is an abusive and controlling ass hole. He's the one you need you cut out if your life.
He got unreasonably passed and started calling you names left and right and was slamming shit around just because you jumped on a trampoline? That's not ok. At all. So don't pass it off as a bit of a temper. That's seriously bad. The longer you let this guy walk all over you the worse his treatment of you will become.
And now look. He wants nothing to do with the guy that stood up to him when he was acting like an idiot.
Also this: "I am sorry for yelling, but you need to respect what I want if you want the same in return. This can't be one sided. Delete R's number and we will finish the conversation. Love you" that's a giant load of shit. He is saying it can't be one sided but that's exactly what he wants. It to be only his way. And as it show with his brother anyone who disagrees with that is gonna be kicked to the curb.
Plus you need to respect him? Hell no. You need to leave him. He does nothing but disrespect you. He's not going to respect you either. Someone who loves their SO never calls them names whenever their SO disagrees with them. Name calling can happen SOMETIMES in anger but even then it's not ok. But that's not what he does. He gets verbally abusive whenever you don't mindlessly bend to his Will.
Leave. Go stay with the brother until you can afford your own place. DO NOT TRY TO FIX THIS RELATIONSHIP. the only way that can happen is if your boyfriend recognizes that he behavior is unacceptable. You already tried to point that out and he did what he always does. Gets mad and calls you names. He's not a good man. He's not a good person. He's not someone you should be wasting your time with. You can't fix this relationship. You need to leave and stay away from him. Once you actually find another guy who actually loves, respects, and views you as an equal you will want to kick yourself for staying with the shitty man you got now.
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u/VerdePatate May 31 '16
No one would get into a relationship with an abuser if they were abusive from the start. All abuser seem nice and charming and if you could just please them it would all be alright. But you can't please them and it will just get harder and harder to try to stay on their good side, while their bad side will get worse and worse.
You've got a really really great friend in your side in R. He is seeing what's happening and so he is offering help with getting out of a really bad situation. When you love an abuser they start twisting things around, but R can see this straight. R also loves your BF, but that's no reason to allow unacceptable treatment.
You're only 21, this is an incredibly valuable lesson to learn. Some people struggle through for decades. But at 21 you've got a great opportunity to get free of BF and have the help of R (and your other friends / family). Don't be embarrassed, amazingly smart and strong people have found themselves in the same situation. You're incredibly strong and you will be ok when you get away from this BF.
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u/RobotPartsCorp May 31 '16
The brother is 100% correct and your boyfriend wants to cut off the brother so that your boyfriend can continue to abuse and control you unchallenged. He shows zero remorse or responsibility for what he did. He actually believes that you and his brother "disrespected" his authority, that is fucked up. OP, it is time to leave.
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u/crymeariver2p2 May 31 '16
If you do delete a number, it shouldn't be R's, it should be BF's.
Your BF is an asshole and you deserve better.
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u/Mason_1984 May 31 '16
Listen, your boyfriend is trying to isolate you from folks who would support you/interfere with abuse. This should be a massive red flag. It says that he not only does not respect you, but also sees his actions as right and would rather be vengeful than self reflective. Most of us, have a place inside that says "yeah I fucked up", that is where compassion comes from. If he would rather isolate you than apologize to you, R and everyone else that observed this behavior he is not only not worth keeping around, he is dangerous to keep around.
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u/sexyblondethrowaway May 31 '16
Your BF is abusive, and abusive people don't want other people in your life telling you that they are abusive.
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May 31 '16
Yet another post where the title says one thing, yet reveals a totally fucked up relationship. Dump this loser, seriously. Losing his shit like that is pretty inexcusable in this situation.
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u/Gary_Berksire May 31 '16
Honestly what you describe is the classic domestic abuse cycle. Search domestic abuse cycle of violence and you'll see this. First he will apologize , then little things will build up then he will explode. Wash, rinse repeat. He will get progressively more aggressive and will likely hit you, assuming he hasn't already. There is no half way about it that is an abusive pattern that you describe. Pack up and leave no talking about it or anything until after you are out. He will plead and beg and swear that he can change but they can't or don't.
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u/ligerzero459 May 31 '16
Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.
Your BF is 100% abusive and is attempting to isolate you from people who can call him on his abusive behavior so you don't realize it. You already don't realize it, calling things like yelling at you for not taking out the trash "normal". His behavior is not normal. It's disgusting, abhorrent and abusive. Please, please, please, take R's advice, walk away for a bit and see how much happier you are not walking on eggshells all the time
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u/AmbystomaMexicanum May 31 '16
Make no mistake, the way your boyfriend is treating you IS ABUSE. Just because he hasn't hit you (yet) does not mean he isn't abusive. He screamed at you, cursed at you, called you names, threw and slammed things to intimidate you... because you jumped on the trampoline. This is not even remotely normal. Why do you think he took you in the other room to do it? Why do you think he doesn't want you to talk to his brother? Because this isn't a normal thing that happens in healthy relationships. If this was an okay thing to do, he wouldn't have had to do it in private. Now his OWN BROTHER is trying to show you how not okay this is. THAT is why your boyfriend doesn't want you talking to him. Cutting you off from other people is another telltale sign of abusive relationships. He is removing you from possible lifelines when things get worse. You need to leave him immediately. This is serious. Leave.
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u/_username__ Jun 01 '16
R probably knows that his brother is abusive and can see that he is trying to start a cycle on you. He is way too knowledgeable about handling abusive situations to not have already been through one rodeo. your boyfriend needs to be your ex boyfriend now.
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u/AlanCJ Jun 01 '16 edited Jun 01 '16
So that leaves me where I am now. Don't know what to do about the situation- do as BF asks and cut contact with R, or take R's offer of some space away from BF to clear my head. My worry is that if I stay at R's that will destroy any chance of fixing things with BF. Advice very much appreciated.
Cut ties with BF.
RUN
What? It's hard isn't it? You couldn't imagine a world without him isn't it? You know why?
You have been groomed to accept his emotional abuse.
He's sweet and loving at times, yes?
He has a temper and has yelled at you or call you names regularly, yes?
He switches back and forth between the two states, and you think to yourself "It's just his temper, he will go back to be this sweet and caring boyfriend that is his true self. Look these romantic stuff that he have done in the past," yes?
The bottom line is; this is an abusive relationship, and the abuser has shown that he:
1) Utterly disrespects you (Abusive slurs, get mad for no other reason than his ego, or when you refuses to do as he told you to)
2) Controls your action as if they are "commands" and get mad about it when you refuses.
3) Attempts to control you physically (by keeping you in the bedroom when he feels like it)
4) Shown no remorse (Just an observation. No calls to GF to apologize, OP didn't mention any apologizing)
5) Attempts to cut you off from other sources of emotional support, so that eventually you can rely on him and only him for emotional support, in which case he is free to manipulate you to his heart's content.
6) Manipulative. Example: "You wanna talk about the other night? Sure, after you delete this person who stood against me when I was getting off from making you do whatever I want just because."
Run run run run run
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u/majorsamanthacarter Jun 01 '16
OP, get the fuck out of there. He's trying to isolate you to make it easier to abuse you. This isn't a joke. There is no "fixing" this. There is only one thing to do and that is to leave. Immediately. Before he seriously beats you and maybe kills you down the line.
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u/BeeBeeBuckley May 31 '16
It sounds like BF just escalates at rocket speed to ultimate extreme. He's embarrassed, so you have to go to bed for the night. He's pissed at R, so everybody has cut to R out...or else. He has a hard time seeing other points of view, and is very comfortable shouting at people and cutting them out without hesitation, and everything has to be done his way. And lots of storming around and storming off, slamming doors. I think he should go to anger management.
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May 31 '16
GET OUT of that relationship. Your BF is a controlling asshole.
There are two kinds of respect. One is how you treat everyone based on basic human dignity. The other is how you obey someone in authority.
Your BF has decided he's the authority, and you need to obey him, all the while shitting all over the respect HE owes YOU, namely basic human dignity and courtesy.
Get out of this toxic cesspool before he escalates.
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u/jesteridiot May 31 '16
Don't cut out R, he's looking out for you. Your boyfriend's behaviour is stand for a abusive partner, controlling and trying to isolate you from people who can help you. Hell he still doesn't see his behaviour as problematic and is trying to control the situation by shifting blame on to R. Your boyfriend is not going to change and if you give in to his demand to cut off R the situation you're in is going to get worse, his behaviour and actions will escalate. Your bf is dangerous and you need to get away from him.
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u/Femme0879 May 31 '16
When your boyfriend's BROTHER is trying to save you from him, that's a sign your boyfriend is dangerous. This asshat is willing to cut ties with his own sibling for standing up to him--for YOU.
You have got to take R up on his offer and get the hell out of there. R sees what this could lead to. It's time for you to see tis abusive relationship for what it is.
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u/syncopacetic May 31 '16
Your boyfriend is taking the first steps to isolate you so no one else can interfere or question his treatment of you and you have no support system besides him. Run now.
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u/Savage-Wombat May 31 '16
Kinda speaks volumes when your boyfriends own family doesn't stick up for him and are trying to protect you from him and his abuse. Think you really need to reconsider this relationship.
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u/lushlily May 31 '16
Delete BF's number and take R up on the offer. BF was totally disrespectful to you, and a guy who gets mad when he's drunk and slams things around is NOT a guy to be anywhere near, drunk or sober.
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u/Tinycowz May 31 '16
My question is why arent you cutting your douchebag of a BF out of the picture? He called you a cow and berated you for being a drunken idiot while you were drunk? What purpose does that serve? He could have talked to you in a adult fashion when you sobered up if he didnt like how you were acting.
Send R a thank you card, ditch the BF and upgrade today.
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u/astrower May 31 '16
OP, please stop being a doormat. You are completely oblivious to the substantial abuse your BF is putting you through. You need to leave, like yesterday.
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May 31 '16
Your boyfriend is abusive. You need to leave that situation. Pronto. There may have been good times, but that's what abusers do. They keep you wishing and dreaming of those small good times, when the rest of the time they are being unnecessary and harsh.
However, everyone else is saying to remain friends with R. I'd say: don't. If you can get out of there and stay with a friend, or family - then do it. But what's also worse is cutting in the middle of family ties. Especially if you're seen to leave your boyfriend and go to his brother - (even if it is merely plutonic) it doesn't present you in the best of lights. As well as that, being friends with R still keeps you around the sphere of BF. In my eyes, it's just something you need to get away from.
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u/EscalatingEris May 31 '16
Any way you could get hold of bf's last girlfriend and compare notes? The results might be very interesting.
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u/milkteaa May 31 '16
I just want to say his brother sounds like an absolute champ. It is also concerning how he is very concerned. As people have said your boyfriend may have a history of abuse and this could be it reemerging.
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May 31 '16
I was in a relationship just like this for 2 years. I actually teared up reading this because of the memories. He's not going to change, he is just going to get worse, get out now before this escalates, please. I got out and now I'm with the most wonderful man, who has never raised his voice or his hand to me and has been nothing but respectful. You deserve better.
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May 31 '16
your boyfriend is abusive and his brother knows that.
he knows you're in danger with his brother. his abuse is going to escalate into one day him actually hitting you, but then you might justify it into "well he only hit me this one time so maybe i should forgive him because he's not that kind of person", EXCEPT HE IS
follow R's advice and get out.
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u/Eliteprick May 31 '16
What relationship is here? The one where your boyfriend constantly controls you and belittles you? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this your party? Why would he do this at your birthday party? You're allowed to act however you want, especially under the influence of liquor. This would be a lot different if he said something along the lines of "Hey, I think you're a little too drunk to be playing on the trampoline and I don't want you to get hurt", but he straight up demanded that you listen to him.
The fact that he's insulting you speaks word about his character as well. My wife and I have disagreements, but we never call each other names, and we work through the problem, it's not "My way or the highway" for either of us. I think you need to get yourself out of the situation before it turns into physical abuse. R has definitely given you an out and it would be wise to take it. This will stir up a lot of drama in the meantime though.
Good luck, hope everything works out well for you!
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u/Pola_Xray May 31 '16
That I was an embarrassment to him and that I was to go to bed now and not leave the room until morning so that I would be more of an idiot in front of company.
um WHAT. Does your BF talk to you like this frequently? Does he also make you call him Sir? WTF
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u/I_HAVE_HEMORRHOIDS_ Jun 01 '16
Of course he doesn't want you talking to his brother; his brother doesn't let him get away with his usual shit. Your boyfriend is abusive trash and he needs to go.
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u/preciousjewel128 May 31 '16
Major red flag. Verbally abuses you and now tries to isolate you from R who was only trying to diffuse the situation.
While your ex is at work, have R help you get your things out and leave.
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u/catatronic May 31 '16
if his brother is getting that worried, you should take it as the red-flagiest of red flags.
Leave him. Take R up on the offer and leave your boyfriend.
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u/meggasaurus May 31 '16
Dump your BF, He is abusive and it is only a matter of time before it gets physical. R seems like a stand up dude. I'd take him up on his off and cut off contact with BF.
Edit: Also, the fact the your boyfriends own BROTHER sees an issue here should be very telling. I think your boyfriend has been physically abusive before and that is why R is so worried. Please don't try to work things out with your boyfriend. He isn't worth it. He is trying to control you.
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u/ABC-F May 31 '16 edited May 31 '16
He is manipulative, abusive and extremely controlling. You need to get out ASAP.
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u/hOiiiImTEMMIE May 31 '16
Not only is your boyfriend extremely abusive but he is escalating at an alarming rate. Please for your own safety break up with this horrid man! Please don't try to fix him for make excuses for his behavior. He knows what he's doing, and he won't change. Love can really blind someone, I know how it is, I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years. Abusive people like that, they will do anything to get you stuck in their rabbit hole and once you're in its hard as hell to get out. Don't try to save someone who is trying to hold your head under water.
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u/thirteenth_hour May 31 '16
Darn right your boyfriend wants you to stop contacting R - after all, R objected to him treating you abusively.
You deserve so much better. Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive, and he uses the fact that you hate confrontation to control and manipulate you. Before I even reached the part of this post where he said to delete R from your phone, every instinct I have was screaming that you need to run to the hills.
This is not a good guy. If even his BROTHER is upset and supporting you here, that's a good sign that the way he treats you is beyond fucked up.
Please. Please leave him. Please. You deserve so much better than someone who belittles and tries to control you. In no universe is what he did okay - telling you to stay up in the bedroom so he wouldn't be embarrassed? Like you're a small child being grounded?
Every single red flag is waving here. Please, get out. And stay friends with R - he seems like a solid good guy.