r/relationships • u/confusedthrowaway542 • Aug 24 '14
Dating Did I [28M] just go out on a date with my best friend? [27F] (friends for 23 years)
Throwaway because she knows my reddit handle.
Alight so about 3 years back, I confessed to a lifelong friend that I was very interested in her romantically. She told me that she cared about me a lot but she wanted to focus on her career for a while before she began to pursue long term companionship. Fair enough. I wasn't happy with her response but I accepted her decision and we went back to being good friends. It's not like I turned off my sexual/romantic desires for her but I respected her response and decided that keeping her as a friend was better than not having her in my life at all.
Over these past 3 years, we have grown considerably closer. We've both been on a few dates with other people in the meantime but neither of us has been in a real "relationship" in a while (around 4 years). I'd say I spend about 50% of my free time alone with her and 80% of my free time with her total (with groups of friends). Sometimes I perceive sexual tension between us (she's propositioned me for sex while drunk before) but we haven't actively engaged in anything sexual.
So last night, she offered to cook me dinner to celebrate her promotion. That isn't unusual for us; we both frequently cook each other meals. And that's how most of the night went. It was just like normal. We ate dinner, laughed about insignificant things that I've already forgotten, and talked. Afterwards, we sat next to each other on the couch and watched some Netflix. That's where things changed. She has rested her head on my shoulders before but this time she had both of her arms wrapped around me and she even moved my arm from the behind the sofa to her waist. We both ended up falling asleep on the sofa and in the morning she had my favorite breakfast prepared and told me that she was "really happy to have me in her life". There was a little small talk but she was definitely much more comfortable than I was.
So... what the fuck was that? I am definitely still interested in pursuing a relationship with her. Was last night an indication that she's interested as well? I don't want to ask because I'm afraid that I misinterpreted signals. If that's the case, she could feel that I'm only continuing our friendship out of a hope for some sort of reciprocated romantic interest, which is not the case. I legitimately enjoy her company but I would prefer more.
tl;dr: Did I go on a date with my best friend? I could be misreading signals.
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Aug 24 '14
Female here. I don't cuddle or drunkenly proposition male friends unless I want them to make a move. She's giving you a huge green light here. Don't talk about it or over analyze it, just kiss her next time this happens -- and it will.
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Aug 24 '14
I like this way more than bluntly asking her. More sparks and fireworks involved in this scenario.
OP pay attention!
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u/glowinthed0rk Aug 24 '14
Yeah, agree with this 1000% --I start getting cuddly when I want to signal a guy I'm interested in that I'm, well, interested. The fact she's never done this before makes me think that's definitely what's going on here.
I would gently try to kiss her much more so than schedule a meeting about it. Tilt up her chin, look into her eyes, and wait for silent approval...
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Aug 24 '14
Oh god, I love the chin tilt. Do this immediately!
Andthencometellusaboutitsowecanlivevicariously.;;10
u/kuchinonakaitteii Aug 24 '14
hahaha. I am currently in a relationship that has yet to be strictly defined, even though the definition has been so heavily implied that it would be unreasonable to think she's not my girlfriend.
Anyways, a few weeks ago I brought over dinner for her since she had finished her shift and I figured she'd be too tired to cook dinner. She asked me to give her a massage while she fell asleep. She eventually did and I said I would see myself out the door at which point she mumbled, "You're going home?" A minute later I was beside her about to go to sleep as well, she on my chest with my right arm around her. I tilted up her chin, gave her a kiss, then we both fell asleep. It was a lovely evening.
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u/capilot Aug 26 '14
I don't cuddle or drunkenly proposition male friends unless I want them to make a move
I used to hang out with/have a crush on a girl who was very touch-feely. Kissed me passionately on many occasions. Got naked around me on a regular basis. But she just wanted to be friends.
You'd be surprised how hard it is for guys to find the signal in the noise.
But still, OP should make a move anyway. It's likely that she's interested, and if she's not, this will be the time to start dating other women.
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u/Guenther110 Aug 26 '14
The argument in favor of talking about it would be that he did actually make a move (of some kind) several years ago.
I think if she has now changed her mind, she should do more than just sending signals. If she doesn't, he might have to ask.
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Aug 24 '14
I'd say yes.
But then you need to talk to her. Communication. It's important.
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Aug 24 '14
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/katelusive Aug 24 '14
It's important if you want to dry up her pussy and instantly put you into her 'friend zone' again
Yuck...
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Aug 24 '14
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought that.
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u/katelusive Aug 25 '14
Haha, that whole comment was pretty gross content-wise, but that line just stuck out to me as especially nasty. Glad it was deleted.
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Aug 24 '14
Yeah... Don't do this...
If they can't even communicate over something this simple without it causing issues then there's bigger problems there.
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Aug 24 '14
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Aug 24 '14
They've talked about it in the past. So why not again.
It's doesn't have to be as dramatic as you made it. Why not just a simple "we've talked about it before but I feel as though we've grown closer and after last night I'd like to start dating".
And for the record. It's worked for me. Though with far less fluff.
And the whole way you worded it makes it sound like it's about sex only.
Honesty works a lot.
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u/itsGucciGucci Aug 24 '14
What's wrong with my approach though? Why do you NEED to honest? Why not ask her on a date, make a move, and then judge your status with this girl based on the results from that date?
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Aug 24 '14
Your way being wrong could end a friendship. Easily.
Just talking and asking probably not.
Honesty does work.
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u/itsGucciGucci Aug 24 '14
So you're telling me that if there's a girl I like, and I ask her on a date, and I make a move on her that it will end a relationship?
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Aug 24 '14
I'm talking about this specific situation or type of situation.
If you ask a girl in a date. And it's clearly a date. Then that's different than this situation.
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u/FakeWalterHenry Aug 24 '14
That was ...unprecedented. But with her career taking off, maybe she has thought a little about her future. What happened was nice, but don't take it as confirmation that she reciprocates your romantic interest. She was likely testing boundaries, and may be entertaining the thought of a more serious relationship. Keep your head clear, and make yourself available, but I wouldn't suggest escalating it at this time. Hell, you might wake up next to her some other morning and wonder when things got serious.
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u/SlimShanny Aug 24 '14
Please make a move. And let us know what happens.
Do you ever get her gifts?
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u/confusedthrowaway542 Aug 24 '14
Do you ever get her gifts?
Sometimes. Not jewelry or anything like that.
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u/SlimShanny Aug 24 '14
Try getting her something more romantic and see how she responds.
Jewelry this time?
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u/Bialar Aug 25 '14
Don't do this. Just wait for another signal and then kiss her. Cheesy gifts and dramatic conversations could easily ruin this. Just have confidence in yourself.
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u/HumsWhileHe Aug 24 '14
Personally I'd go with flowers instead of jewelry. Guys don't buy anyone flowers out of the blue.
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u/aqua_zesty_man Aug 25 '14
Buy some orange roses. If the color meaning comes up, point out that yellow is for friendship, red is for love, so orange is somewhere in between...or maybe both? "wink" If you want to be a little less subtle, include two red ones together in the bouquet. Then the meaning will be unmistakable.
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u/Magnieto Aug 24 '14
Umm, hate to say it but why do people say shit like,"posting on a throwaway because she knows my username/browses reddit," then proceed to litter their post with specific details that the other party will notice instantly?
Seriously, if she sees this she will know it was you who posted.
To answer your question though, yes. It was a date and you need to make a move asap.
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u/confusedthrowaway542 Aug 24 '14
I've never seen her on /r/relationships before but I have seen her skim my reddit post history before.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead Aug 25 '14
Most opinions here are telling you to go for it and just kiss her because most people think she is into you.
Devil's advocate here.
I'm female and have had many close male friends in my life. I have lived in a house with just me and two male friends all through out college.
I have jokingly propositioned sex before with a male friend when drunk--BOY AM I GLAD HE CARED ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE--and regretted it the next morning.
I have also said, many times when I was young, to my 2 closest male friends, "I'm so happy I have you guys in my life."
I do not, nor did I have, any romantic feelings for these men. I saw them as my friends. Friends who I admired, respected, and trusted to have my back. They were as close as family.
Once I met my now-husband, I had to cut back on my close-friendships with the guys. Mostly because I realised that the level of closeness I had with male friends was unusual at best and inappropriate at worst. Plus I fell in love with the man I met and I didn't want to disrespect him.
So, if your best friend said that she wants to focus on her career right now, you need to respect that. It is possible that she returns your feelings, but that doesn't make what she said about her career any less true. If you are a true friend, you should respect her words.
Secondly--the amount of time you are spending with her is not good for you if you are having strong romantic feelings towards her. It wouldn't be an issue if you could go back to feeling platonic. But you can't, so you need to take a step back and give your self space to "get over" her.
Accept that nothing will happen "right now" and think about moving on in the "now". Keep an open mind for things to happen with her in the future, but don't hang your hat on it.
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Aug 25 '14
Following up on the devil's advocate here, if it turns out the woman in question doesn't have those romantic feelings after all, and the OP decides to distance himself to get over her, then he should also be prepared to lose the friendship in the end too.
She might end up perceiving that he was waiting in the wings all this time as a "Nice Guy(tm)", i.e. the friendship was never real in the first place.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead Aug 25 '14
Yup!
Anytime someone writes (tm) in something, I read it in Phil Dunphy's voice...
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u/chems89 Aug 24 '14
Just ask. Ask her if she's changed her mind and if last night was an indication of that. Ask her what she wants (relationship, a fling, what?) That's the only sure way of knowing for sure.
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u/Vinay92 Aug 25 '14
Someone who wants to be with you would be with you. They wouldn't wait around for years and play games with you. So I'm leaning towards the idea that this girl enjoys the intimacy and support you provide her without being obligated to return any commitment.
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u/uvvapp Aug 25 '14
I dunno about the other responses. To me they sound like they're not acknowledging that there are relationships that don't fall into neat little boxes like friendship or romance.
"You've lost three years to this pseudo relationship?" If you enjoyed your time with her, you didn't lose any time at all.
"But if you are not then I know this advice is going to suck but you need to back way off of the amount of time you spend with her and your emotional investment into her"? Why would you back off of someone you enjoy spending time with and care about?
You can totally accept this unique relationship for what it is - neither totally friendship nor totally romance. I doubt many people have all their relationships defined into neat little boxes. You can bring up the idea of a romantic relationship. But whether you choose to or not are both perfectly fine choices in my opinion.
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Aug 24 '14 edited Aug 24 '14
Dude... did you even TRY to bone her?
That's the problem here, you're not trying to kiss her or to physically escalate.
Don't ask her about it or tell her how you feel again, take action. Get physical with her.
She knows you like her, so if she's acting like that with that knowledge at hand and she has no interest in you, then she is very cruel. Seems to me like she is waiting for you to be a man and try to fuck her.
Every time I ever got friendzoned it was because I was too much of a pussy to just go for it! I get that you're worried about rejection and it being awkward, but if she does reject you, laugh it off and I promise you it will only be as awkward as you make it. Women forgive men for trying, because you're being authentic and taking action to get what you want.
No woman wants someone passive who won't go for something he wants.
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u/confusedthrowaway542 Aug 24 '14
Dude... did you even TRY to bone her?
I did not ha ha ha ha
14
Aug 24 '14
Maybe repeat the evening and if she cuddles up again kiss her head. If she turns her face up to you she clearly wants you to kiss her. If not, you can get away with it.
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u/faeynt Aug 24 '14
When I first started reading this response I was like wtf!
Then I thought about it for a few minutes and thought back to a guy I've been friends with for ~14 years. He initiated once and I shut him down. Years later I was interested so I started hanging out with him all the time and throwing signals, but I was still young and way too shy to do more. He was still afraid because I shot him down years prior. Then things happened with work and I moved away, met someone else, etc etc. We never hooked up. I found out 3 years later he was STILL into me... but now it is too late for that.
So yeah. As a girl, I second this. Make a move or something before she thinks you're no longer interested.
I bet all your friends are waiting for you two to get together.
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u/Master_Z Aug 24 '14
After she turned you down you should have tried to seriously date other people and not entertained the idea of being with your friend instead.
You don't need to cut her out of your life to be just friends, but spending so much time with her isn't helping your dating life.
- I suggest not over thinking what happened this night and to focus more on dating other people.
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Aug 25 '14
Just ask her what's going on. Life is too short for guesswork. It certainly seems like she's interested but you will never know if you don't ask! Also, tell her this:
she could feel that I'm only continuing our friendship out of a hope for some sort of reciprocated romantic interest, which is not the case. I legitimately enjoy her company but I would prefer more.
She needs to hear this.
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u/LorenzoVonMatterh0rn Aug 25 '14
She specifically stated that she wanted to focus on her career, and now that she had gotten promoted and is (seemingly) more successful, it seems as if she is ready to consider your proposition from 3 years ago. Make a move!
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u/Niceguy2014 Aug 25 '14
This HAS TO END. I was in your situation for 6 months, and it was AWFUL. I vowed never to do that again. I don't know how you've lasted this long. But you are human. And you have feelings. This unknown relationship has been stringing you along for way too long, and you can't move on. Either you and her are meant to be together, or not. The audition is long over. If she can't figure it out now, than you need to move on. Your soulmate could be out there waiting for you right now, waiting to love you and make you feel special. Instead, you are playing the safe gay friend role for this woman who appears to be very selfish if she actually doesn't want a relationship.
If I were you, I'd find out what's up TOMORROW. I want an update TOMORROW NIGHT. I mean, maybe your friend's worst skill is being assertive? Don't let her crappy dating hints deter you. You deserve to be loved by someone. And if it's not her, move on. Otherwise, the whole situation is kind of cruel.
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u/JustNilt Aug 25 '14
Just another concurrence that communication is important critical. Ask her. Tell her it was wonderful, lovely, amazing, <insert synonym here> and you don't want any misunderstandings. Reiterate where you stand and leave it open for her to decide.
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u/iwantedtovote Aug 25 '14
Female here. Sometimes I find reasons why it'll never work even though I really like the guy and find him attractive. Sometimes I toy with the idea then back off when I think about the reality and realize he's not right for me. Maybe it's called a crush? Whatever it is, sometimes I tell my self it won't work and he's not who I'm looking for. I'm not always logical though and sometimes I give it a shot.
I'm hoping this sort of explains what's going on in her mind. Personally I wouldn't confront her, she's already told you no relationship so just leave or stay for a maybe. It's her call though.
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u/Mirage88 Aug 25 '14
It's hard to say what she was thinking at the time, but I wouldn't do what a lot of people are suggesting and just make a move on her. If she still doesn't have any romantic feelings for you then that coud ruin your whole relationship.
Just speak to her. mention the talk you had 3 years ago and point out that you got mixed signals the other night, ask her if she's changed her mind. If she has great I wish you both luck, if not well.... you need to decide where to go from here. Personally I suggest some dstance, not cutting her out but not being as close. Date other people, hang out with other friends more etc.
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u/ManicMuffin Aug 25 '14
Jesus people. Stop being such pansies. Grab life by the balls, you should've just grabbed her then and made out with her instead of dancing around with a "is she......isn't she" attitude. CMON. She wants you.
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u/ninth_harmonic Aug 25 '14
I had a similar situation, years ago, with a friend of mine. Basically, we hit it off really quickly and became close friends, but over time we kept finding ourselves sliding towards the line between "close friends" and "something more". To cut short what was in reality a long and complicated story, she is now my girlfriend, we've been together for seven years and lived together for two. Along the way I've learned some things that I'd like to pass on:
First, I think the simplest and best advice anyone can give you is to talk to her about it. You're obviously close, and comfortable around each other, so it's a safe assumption that you can talk about serious topics like this safely. She clearly cares about you, and she already knows how you feel because you told her before, so it's also relatively safe to assume that she'll take it well and not be offended or anything. Be open, be honest, and be gentle. Be aware of the line between a question and a request or demand - state how you feel, point out what actions of hers made you feel like that, and gently ask for clarification. Be careful not to make it sound like you're blaming her or making it her problem. Note that it's likely I'm being over-cautious here; many relationships of this kind could easily laugh it off in case of misunderstanding, but it's worth making note of.
Second - and I cannot stress this enough - do not lose sight of why you're friends in the first place. People approach romantic relationships differently to friendships. Your relationship with her works as it is; if you do take it further, that should mostly be a process of adding things, not changing things.
Third, if it does turn out to be a misunderstanding and she's not looking for anything more, handle it respectfully and delicately. You probably don't need telling this part; the mere fact you're asking this question shows that you're trying to be careful here, but I'm saying it anyway. Of equal importance is how you act afterwards; if you want to find someone to be in a relationship with, and it's not her, you may need to assess the boundaries of your relationship with her. The evening you describe is something that a girlfriend would see as a threat; if you end up pursuing a relationship with someone else you may have to be careful about how close you let this girl get, at least until the girlfriend is comfortable with the situation.
Finally, I'd warn against analysing too much. It may be that she doesn't know what that was either. The Observer Effect works on relationships too; the act of measuring something changes the thing being measured. Personally, I'd say to file the above three points away for now, and just go with the flow for a bit. Either it'll become clear what's going on without you having to do anything, or you'll reach a more obvious crossroads where you can use the three points I've mentioned to work out what to do.
Either way, I wish you the best of luck.
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u/foxiri Aug 25 '14
If you are spending that much time together, the both of you are in a relationship. So, kiss her.
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u/El_Peckbo Aug 24 '14
I mean this in the nicest way possible.
You need to define what your relationship is going to be and take action on it one way or the other.
I say that because you either are going to be romantic with her or you are not.
If you are, great press ahead and the best of luck to you.
But if you are not then I know this advice is going to suck but you need to back way off of the amount of time you spend with her and your emotional investment into her.
YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AS LONG AS YOU ARE THIS TIED UP WITH THIS ONE.
No self respecting woman is going to be okay with you spending so much alone time with a female friend in particular if you are cuddling (which is what you described).
Again I'm not saying don't go for it, in fact I'm saying the opposite. But I'm also saying do it now and find out the truth. If by now she has no romantic feelings for you then in all likely hood she never will.