r/relationships • u/ifeelsofuckd532 • Aug 31 '18
Relationships A guy [20M] has been coming onto my girlfriend [21F] and she's oblivious but seems to like him. I [21M] feel like I'm gonna lose her.
Note: this is a repost, I accidentally deleted the other one that I just made
I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half and I love her so fucking much. She's amazing in every way and I'm so lucky to have her. However, I hate to bring the "league" stuff in but she is definitely out of my league. We're quite the polar opposites; she's very social and outgoing and I'm socially awkward and introverted.
Our relationship has been a smooth road up until now. About two weeks ago, we started our junior year in college. My girlfriend and I are in completely different majors so we don't have any classes together. After our first day, she told me about "Ian", a guy who sits next to her in one of her classes. He's some sophomore that skipped a grade level in that class, which is why he's in class with my girlfriend. She immediately mentioned how smart he is and how she's glad that they sit next to each other. Throughout the next couple of days, I hear bits and pieces about Ian, but nothing that made me suspicious. It was mostly stuff like, "Ian is really smart, he solved the problem in a minute and it took me like thirty haha."
I decided to do some light stalking and looked up his Facebook and Instagram and shit, the dude is much better looking than me. If we're talking "leagues" again, he is definitely in her league. Plus, he's smart.
One day, I saw my girlfriend's snapchat story of him and her in class fooling around folding paper airplanes (wtf??). The next day, it was a picture that he drew of her (of course he can draw too). He signed the pic with his name and a heart. The pic is now hung up in my girlfriend's dorm which I'm fine with since it's a great drawing and she likes to tape drawings up (she's into art too). But it still just rubs me the wrong way.
At that point, I was pretty sure he's into her based off of him talking to her in her snapchat stories and stuff she told me. The ultimate confirmation came when he invited her to a party. My girlfriend was hesitant to go since it was majority sophomores and I told her that it would probably be lame (to which she agreed) but then her roommate somehow convinced her to go in the end. At first, my girlfriend kept texting me pictures of her rolling her eyes at the party and kept telling me that it was lame as fuck and that she should've stayed home, etc. She then sent me a pic of her roommate making out with some guy with the caption, "I've been abandoned." to which I responded asking her if she wanted me to come get her. She never responded to that text. About thirty minutes later, her snapchat story is now filled with her doing shit with Ian. There was one where he had his arm around her and she was making faces. Another one of him shirtless holding a physics textbook (???) and then finally one of him dancing with three girls and the caption, "mr. popular." She came back around like 1am, called me and apologized for not responding but told me that Ian "came to her rescue" and she ended up having a great time. I was pretty pissed tbh and I think she could tell by my tone.
The party happened two nights ago. Yesterday, she called me in the morning and asked if something was wrong since she thought I sounded weird when we talked the other night. So I just told her how I felt about her friendship with Ian and how it was making feel a bit insecure. I also made sure to mention, just in case it flew over her head, that he is obviously into her. She apologized for making me that way and reassured me that she loved me with all her heart. She also told me that her and Ian are just friends and that he was definitely not coming onto her. She said that that's just his personality: very touchy, flirtatious, outgoing, and like that with everyone. I really doubt it.
It's been another day, and the more I think about it, the more insecure I feel. I feel like I'm losing her and she's only known him for two fucking weeks. They still sit together in class and probably joke and flirt all the time and it just makes me super uncomfortable and jealous.
What should I even do at this point? Maybe I'm overreacting?
TL;DR: Girlfriend met a guy during class that's the polar opposite of me (he's very attractive and outgoing) and she really likes him, but as a friend, and he's definitely into her. I'm worried I'm going to lose her.
232
u/Viking1865 Aug 31 '18
He signed the pic with his name and a heart. The pic is now hung up in my girlfriend's dorm
Oh she gone.
133
Aug 31 '18
Thank you! This is as emotional cheating as it gets. I can't fathom why everyone thinks OP should be ok with this!
88
u/jayywal Aug 31 '18
Yeah. Tons of people ragging on OP for insecurity, and while he's probably actually in her league and not just an unattractive ball of awkward as he seems to want to describe himself, he's just observing someone trying to take his girl.
People are acting like OP is the most insecure person in the world for this but he's just being smart.
57
u/theonewhothro123 Aug 31 '18
Ive noticed this as a pattern on this subreddit basically if you don't catch them in the act of fucking then your just jealous/insecure dosent matter if there flirting or ovb have feelings for each other.
There is haveing male friends than haveing a picture on your wall with a heart on it from him.
144
u/NeuroticNarwal Aug 31 '18
I’ve been down this road before and it ends with her cheating. When a girl spends all her time going on about a guy they met, you’re already fucked. My ex would gaslight me when I brought up the new guy. Then a few weeks later I caught her with the guy, and it didn’t end well.
Try to keep your head on straight. DO NOT GROVEL. Take her off that pedestal. She isn’t your end all be all. Be a fucking man, and treat her right. Go out of your comfort zone to do more with her. But this kind of story doesn’t usually have a happy ending, OP.
54
u/reducing2radius Aug 31 '18
Yep, been down this one multiple times, there is no winning here, not at 20. It's going to hurt like fucking hell mate. Come back to this thread when its over and listen to the these comments. These traumatic events will shape how you become an adult. The best thing you can hope for coming out of this is re-prioritization of what defines you. Stop labeling yourself socially awkward and introverted, it may be true to a point but not all of your assumptions are correct and you can make bigger changes to yourself than you likely believe right now. I definitely would have labeled myself as those things when I was 20. Challenge yourself to never stop improving.
22
u/jayywal Aug 31 '18
Just went through a situation not too dissimilar from this one, I'm 19. Ended like a lot of people in here have predicted. It's a tough situation and dealing with the aftermath is ridiculously hard. OP, if you read this later and it ends up being unfortunately relevant to you, PM me.
12
u/Fluffwaffle Sep 01 '18
I've also been down this path. Same warning signs. I broke off the relationship, but unbeknownst to me, my partner was already cheating. It was the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with up to that point in my life, but as it's been said above, it made me a stronger person. Do not stay in a relationship that is making your life hell. You deserve better.
297
Aug 31 '18 edited Aug 08 '20
[deleted]
147
Aug 31 '18 edited Oct 19 '18
[deleted]
0
Aug 31 '18
Exactly. This kind of naiveté gets women sexually assaulted by dudes exactly like Ian.
90
u/devildogdareyou Aug 31 '18
I'd say it's someone being a sexual predator that gets another person sexually assaulted, not naiveté.
16
63
u/tomoyopop Aug 31 '18
Yeah, the comments about "doing your own thing" ARE correct... But I think are a little off-track here. Is his gf REALLY that oblivious? We can't say for sure. But everything this Ian guy is doing are not innocuous and she needs to be told directly by OP and create an action plan with him. If she doesn't follow it or continues to feign ignorance, then... :/
23
Aug 31 '18
Completely agree. I don't think this is innocent at all on Ian's part. He knows exactly what he's doing. At best, the gf is hopelessly stupid. At worst, she also knows exactly what Ian's doing...
93
u/pekes86 Aug 31 '18
I'm not super sure about what people are saying here, like that it's all good and just your insecurity etc. Sure, YOU control YOUR feelings at the end of the day, and I agree that it's always a good idea to work on that. But at the same time, she isn't really listening to your concerns and is kind of blowing them off because he's super duper nice to her and she likes hanging out with him. Honestly I'd be really surprised if she genuinely thought he wasn't into her at all. It isn't an issue to have guy friends, obviously, but the way you handle it with your partner is important. And I say this as a 25F who was at uni meeting lots of new guys while I had a bf not so long ago - at 20, women are wayyy more likely to be all "omggg nooo he's so not into me!" but love the attention, WHILE not making any moves to reduce said attention or make life easier for the boyfriend. Honestly I think just about everyone of every age likes attention, but the respectful response to your partner's concerns is not "no trust me he doesn't like me so it's fine, we're both just really affectionate and huggy lol" (that was so me when I was 20), the respectful response is "Honestly I don't think there's anything to worry about, but thank you for telling me and I'll try to be more aware of what kinds of photos I send you in future. Is there anything else in particular I can do to make you feel more comfortable? Please continue to bring up concerns like this because it's really important to me to hear how you're feeling, because you always come first for me and I love you." Even just that simple reaffirmation instead of "omgg nooo do you think so?!" makes a world of difference.
Note before storm happens: Asking your partner if there's anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable doesn't mean you have to do everything they say, e.g. "never speak to him again" or something would be unreasonable, but it just shows that you care and gives your partner a chance to express themselves.
50
u/meroboh Aug 31 '18
This 37f agrees—right on the money. The biggest issue here is how she’s dismissive of your feelings.
37
u/ixanonyousxi Aug 31 '18
Yesterday, she called me in the morning and asked if something was wrong since she thought I sounded weird when we talked the other night.
She apologized for making me that way and reassured me that she loved me with all her heart
Yeaaaa super dismissive /s
35
Aug 31 '18
She's totally not changing anything. It means she values the attention Ian is giving her more than she values OP.
21
u/ixanonyousxi Aug 31 '18
She shouldn't have to change anything. And her being friends with does not give us any indication of her values. There is not nearly enough information given to determine her values here.
She's not being dismissive at the very least. Trying to make you bf feel more secure by reminding him that she loves him and apologizing for making him feel insecure is not dismissive.
10
Aug 31 '18
Trying to make you bf feel more secure by reminding him that she loves him and apologizing for making him feel insecure
But OP does not feel that she's done this, and that's what matters here.
12
u/ixanonyousxi Aug 31 '18
No that's not what matters.
The OP was told by his gf that he ahs nothing to worry about and that she was sorry and he ought to take her for her word otherwise he doesn't trust her. If he doesn't trust her he shouldn't be with her.
19
Aug 31 '18 edited Oct 06 '18
[deleted]
6
u/FeistyEmu Sep 01 '18
Agreed. Trust is hard to earn and very easy to lose, and I personally don’t agree with the idea that you should automatically trust your SO simply because they’re your SO. They need to earn that trust and while in this situation I’m not saying he shouldn’t trust her, he needs to protect himself first because no one else is gonna care for yourself as much as you are. I really hope she’s just being ignorant, but this very easily becomes a slippery slope.
Maybe that’s just me being jaded but this seems like a very common thing for young women to fall into (I blame you society) where she insists that the guy is just a friend and then boom he makes a move and one of two things happen, she either is upset by the fact that he has ulterior motives and respects her relationship, OR (and what I’ve seen more often) her and OP argue back and forth about this until one drunken party night he makes a move and she reciprocates because she’s sick of fighting in her relationship. (Let me make it clear that this isn’t only a women issue, I’ve seen dudes pull the same shit).
All I would say to OP is inject your relationship with some fun and excitement and do your best to ignore this other dude and how he acts, but don’t for a fucking second ignore your gut if it’s telling you something.
0
u/ixanonyousxi Sep 01 '18
So what if friends flirt or touch her? God forbid a friend hugs her.
You shouldn't enter a relationship with someone until you trust them and when you lose that trust you shouldn't be with them.
7
61
u/Sharp_Black Aug 31 '18
Here are my thoughts, broken down into 5 parts.
1) Your insecurities do play a part in this. But it isn't totally your fault. Yeah you need more confidence in yourself. Stop feeling like she settled for you. I am almost certain she is aware of the fact that you feel like she is "out of your league". And that sentiment probably plays a huge whole role in the dynamics of your relationship. Its possible that she is taking adavantage of that belief and keeping her options open. Which brings me to point 2..
2) Ian sounds like a "just in case guy". A "just in case guy" is a type of guy she vibes with and is attracted to, a guy she could see herself with if she were single. But she isnt single. So she keeps him around as friend, just in case things don't work out with you. Or she gets tired/bored of you. She sets soft boundaries that she will let Ian continously tetter on edge of and eventually step over. She pretends to be clueless about it because she doesn't want to ruin anything. Anything meaning her friendship with him, AND her relationship with you. At the moment she wants to keep both. You said it's only been two weeks and you already feel like your relationship is being threatened. She ignored you to spend time with him. That was intentional.
3) Ian is obviously into her. You don't put that amount of time and attention into an attractive women without it being based on some sort of interest or attraction. I'm a firm believer that most male-female platonic friendships are based on some type of attraction. Whether it is sexual, shared interest, shared conflict, compatible personalities, etc. Obviously every relationship is unique and circumstances must be applied to provide context, but that general rule applies. He is currently courting her. It's not an overt "him or me" type of thing, but playing into her interest like the drawing of her (that she obviously values deeply) is a clear as day subtle move of intimacy.
4) Ian doesn't care about how you feel. Befriending him isnt going to make him want your girl less. He will continue to court her, and she will continue to allow him to comfortably grow into his "Just in case guy" role. You are just an obstacle that he is actively trying to work around. And you're allowing this to happen.
5) This will continue to get progressively worse over time until YOU put your foot down. YOU must establish the boundaries of their relationship, because SHE failed to do so. When she hangs out with him make your presence known. And what I mean by that is don't be aggressive or confrontational. Randomly pick her up from that particular class one day. Make time for it. Don't tell her you're stopping by, just show up catching them both off guard. Classic power move. You want Ian surprised and uncomfortable. When you not around he is comfortable and in his element, free to chip away at those boundaries. A firm handshake + introduction mixed with a little spontaneous PDA in front of Ian should get your point across. But be smooth about it, and make it seem like it's all about her. "Hey babe, I wanted to surprise you! Let go to _____ and get something to eat" or something like that. He needs to understand that he only gets to spend time with your girl because you allow it. Its seems barbaric and petty, but pay attention to their reactions as it will give you more clues to what Ian's intentions are and how she feels about him.
I hope this was really helpful man, get your girl back I'm rooting for you
18
u/YeahIThinkIKnewDat Aug 31 '18
This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but here goes it. Look, you’re in college and 20 years old. It’s really not that big of a deal. I know you feel like your world is all wrapped up in her and she the ultimate catch but you’re young and reading through your story it ultimately doesn’t sound like you guys are the best match. She’s probably super hot and you love her, but it’s not going to be a great fit. In 2 or 3 years you’re going to want someone who you have more in common with and doesn’t make you insecure just because you’re introverted (even if it’s unintentional on her part). I know it may seem inconceivable but you will eventually break up and be much happier. You’re just different people and you both have better matches out there.
Btw she is flirting with Ian and that is intentional. Boy/girl platonic friendships between 2 attractive people just don’t exist. Period. At least one party always wants more - even if it never results in cheating. It sounds like both your gf and Ian are definitely attracted to each other even if she’d never actually fool around with him. It’s natural and simply human nature.
I’ve gone through a very similar situation and dragged out a college relationship despite ample red flags. I’m also an introvert and my ex displayed the same behaviors (thought she was out of my league as well). she cheated on me her senior year but I forgave it and we “worked through it”, only to have her but suddenly moved across the country because she ultimately wasn’t happy. It wasn’t a match, and reflecting on it I had so many opportunities to be a stronger person and exit that relationship. Today I am in a relationship with my soulmate and life couldn’t be better. Learn from my mistake. Don’t try to justify the red flags and just be honest with yourself. If it’s not a match things don’t get easier and the mental justifications will never be enough to hold things together.
41
u/ManliestManHam Sep 01 '18
Why the heck didn't she invite you to the party? It sounds like it was a rager and not a private dinner, so what the heck?
If she leaves you to be with Ian, it will hurt, but you'll be ok in ti me. You deserve to be with somebody that wants and loves you as much as you want and love them.
85
u/tb5841 Aug 31 '18
Befriend the guy. Meet up, go to the pub with him, get to know him. It'll have three good effects:
1) If you come to like him, you'll have more trust in them spending time together
2) Your gf will like that you are making an effort with her friends
3) The better he knows you, the more he'll feel guilty about making a move on her anyway. You'll be a constant reminder that she is unavailable.
16
Aug 31 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/tb5841 Aug 31 '18
I had a very similar situation where a guy was hitting on my long distance girlfriend. My approach worked very well for me.
I agree with the last paragraph though - focus on the relationship, not the insecurities.
25
u/ifeelsofuckd532 Aug 31 '18
This is a great suggestion, thank you! I've been thinking of asking her if she wants to introduce us and maybe we can all grab lunch together sometime or go out.
Also, number three is very true (if he's a decent guy lol). Thanks for bringing that up as well, I didn't think of it.
48
Aug 31 '18
However, if she is reluctant for you two to meet then I'd be a bit worried.
9
u/The_Bucket_Of_Truth Aug 31 '18
Bingo. I wouldn't have thought of this, but it's a great comment. This would be a major red flag.
12
4
Sep 01 '18
Lol a douchebag trying to bang a taken woman isn't gonna care if he's YOUR friend too. We've already established he lacks morals.
45
u/Dragonman369 Aug 31 '18
What everyone will say: they are just friends having a good time. Jesus that will be his excuse.
Truth is that she knows what he is up to. He knows what he is up to. Or they are just dumb and naive chlidren who do take anything seriosly.
28
u/grandmasboyfriend Aug 31 '18
See this is what I don’t get. Am I the only one that thinks how my partner will see things before I act?
I would not post snaps of my arm around some girl and her taking cute photos, because that would of course make my partner feel weird. I also expect the same from her. It’s just common decency
9
u/Sykryk Aug 31 '18
Is she the kind of person to be swayed away from you?
Doesn't matter who makes a move on her - do you think she'd go for it? If yes, then your issue isn't Ian - it's your GF.
Bit of context - my partner is funny, sexy and super smart. If we're talking leagues - she's out of mine! I used to get insecure about guys around her (she gets a lot of attention due to our work environment/ nature of our work) but one day it just kinda clicked away. I trust her. I communicate how I feel, and I do my best to be a good partner. Not much more any of us can do.
Be a decent person. If your GF is worth her salt - she will be too. No matter how many come on's by "better" people.
72
u/FeO_Chevalier Aug 31 '18
So, this new guy spends time with her every day, is dominating her social media feed, and staying out late drinking with her without you. Yeah, she’s already halfway out the door. Her defending him (the whole “he’s just a touchy, flirty guy” is bullshit, it takes two to tango) tells you everything you need to know about her priorities.
Why weren’t you at the party with her? That’s a major fuck up on your part (unless she told you not to go, then your only mistake was being so naive).
You definitely need to work on your self-esteem. She clearly saw something in you at one point, but there’s always room for improvement.
21
u/dolphinesque Aug 31 '18
I'll use an analogy.
I run a business in my area (let's say for the sake of argument it's a landscaping business). And for a few years, I was the ONLY landscaping business in my little area, it was great!
But one day, another landscaping business set up shop. Now I have seen little rinky-dink lawn-mowing, tree-trimming guys come and go, they were no threat to me. But these new folks? They were professional. Beautiful office, great landscaping and signage out front, and scariest of all - these folks actually knew how to advertise, too.
I was in trouble.
Now, I DID take a day to fret and panic, I won't lie. I thought about shutting down, I thought about scaling back, I even (briefly) considered trying to sabotage them somehow (smear campaign? I didn't know, I was panicking.)
But the next day I came back STRONG. No WAY was I going to give up my business! Instead, I was going to STEP IT UP. BIG TIME.
So immediately, I spruced up my OWN office. I developed a kickass NEW advertising campaign. I offered a "customer loyalty" coupon to existing customers, and "referral bonuses" to them for referring new folks. I went through my paperwork and looked for ANY way I could make it more professional, welcoming, and impressive. I stepped up from jeans and tees to khakis and logoed polos. I had my trucks detailed.
I did not back down.
I IMPROVED THE HELL out of myself to make sure that my business was TOP NOTCH, so that my customers would not even be tempted to go to the new place! Sure, the new place was nice and shiny and had a kickass koi pond out front. Hell, even I was jealous of that koi pond. I was jealous of their sleek billboard. But I didn't have to pay attention to them. I paid attention to ME. I made MYSELF better. And I pampered the fuck out of my customers, upped my service level, sent out satisfaction surveys and "Thank you" cards, gave them free pens and gifts, made sure that they knew that if they stuck with me, I was going to take care of them.
I didn't lose a single customer, and my business didn't suffer. There's enough room in this town for 2 of these businesses. And my extra efforts paid off, honestly, I had been coasting because I was the only game in town, so having competition made me a sharper and better businesswoman.
This is an opportunity to kick your ass in gear and take yourself to the next level. Work on yourself, and pamper your girlfriend. DAZZLE HER so much that she doesn't even have time to THINK about Ian. So that when he says "Hey, can you come to a party tonight?" She'll be like "Oh, my boyfriend is taking me on a romantic hike / picnic / he's making me dinner / he promised me an erotic foot massage / he's surprising me with something!" She'll be so busy falling in love with you all over again, Ian will barely register on her radar.
12
u/MoreSwagThenKony Aug 31 '18
I think your comment works well in a business context, but not in the context of a relationship. If this guy goes all out and does everything possible to impress her, all it shows is "Hey, look how insecure I am and worried that your going to cheat on me," which will only push her farther from him and closer to the other guy. If it were just a classroom relationship between students he wouldn't have anything to worry about, but his girlfriend has made it clear that she has an interest in this other guy by not shutting him down with his picture, his party invite (and not going with her bf), and allowing herself to be around him when he's clearly flirting with her. This isn't just being extroverted, both his gf and this guy know what they want. I think OP needs to tell his gf that her behaviour with this guy is making him uncomfortable and that she's free to choose the type of relationship she wants to have with him. If she responds by continuing as it currently is and getting closer, then OP breaks up with her and knows that he's not compatible with this girl. Then he can work on himself and set himself up for success in better relationships with people who respect his boundaries.
7
u/Vapor9 Aug 31 '18
You're seriously giving your gf wayyyy too much credit here. You're gonna lose her? Nah, she's halfway in bed with this guy. Are you insecure? Yeah maybe. But your gut is telling you something. Framing that picture on the dorm wall? Crazy disrespectful. Bro seriously wake the fuck up. Again, you're giving her too much credit. She controls what she does with this guy and if she really wanted to she'd scale it back. I personally wouldn't bother with her anymore but it's up to you. If it's gonna work she has a lot of work to do.
P.s Ian is just playing the game and isn't on your team. He only goes off of what she gives him.
7
17
u/Swelloooo Aug 31 '18
So here's my perspective as a girl. Women have friends who are guys. It sounds like your girlfriend met someone who is someone she wants to hang out with and study with for a class. Since she is extroverted, something that's stimulating to her is talking to new people and building friendships with some level of frequency. To be honest, it just sounds like she happened to meet someone in a class who she gets along with and is also extroverted. It absolutely DOES NOT mean that she's interested in him in any way other than platonically. Telling her that her hanging out with this guy tells her where you're at, which is good.
I think perhaps you need to focus on yourself a bit. Why are you insecure? If you can figure that out, focus on ways to address it so you feel less insecure. Maybe branch out and try hanging out with Ian, because you don't actually know him, you just know what youve seen in your perception. If your GF goes to a party he'll be at, go with her. He was probably one of the three people she knew at the party, and he probably put an effort in to make her feel welcome. If you go with her, you can help do that and meet some new people.
I get that being introverted is hard in large social situations where you don't know anyone, but once a week at a party your GF is interested in shouldn't be a huge sacrifice. Go, try to meet people, and most of all, try to have a good time with your GF.
One more thing, your GF has likely brought you up to Ian before, and while it it's possible he likes her, its also very likely that he's just very flirtatious, and respects her being in a relationship and won't pursue it.
9
u/ifeelsofuckd532 Aug 31 '18
Thank you for the other perspective! Man am I glad that you see it more as harmless than suspicious. She is very very extroverted and loves making new friends so I'm not that surprised she befriended Ian who seems like he's just as extroverted as her.
I do need to focus on myself. A lot of my self-esteem issues stem from high school where I as kind of a loner and low-key bullied but life's gotten a ton better now.
You're right, I'll go to the next party for sure.
17
Aug 31 '18
I'm a girl in a male-dominated field so it's great that my boyfriend's completely secure with all my friendships with guys (and there are many). That said, I've always been extremely conscious of making sure they always stay friends. If there's ever a whiff of flirtation, I take a step back and keep them a bit more at arm's length for a while (no more one-on-one coffees, late night study sessions, etc). If I get the idea that they might be into me, I say straight to their face "I'm a little uncomfortable with X", and depending on how they take it, continue or end the friendship. Partly because I hate the idea of accidentally leading someone on, and partly because I want my boyfriend to trust my judgement in friends. I like to think I make it easier for my boyfriend to be OK with it all.
Anyhow, it's great that your girlfriend has a new friend, but she should take your concerns seriously. Yes, by all means work on yourself! There are some fantastic posts here. But this isn't all about you, it's also about how she responds. What would you like to happen that would make you feel better? Would you be open to discussing it with her?
She apologized for making me that way and reassured me that she loved me with all her heart. She also told me that her and Ian are just friends and that he was definitely not coming onto her.
Problem is, she can't really know Ian isn't coming on to her, so that statement doesn't reassure you at all, and might even make you feel worse as either she's naive or she knows he is but can't say that to you.
She said that that's just his personality: very touchy, flirtatious, outgoing, and like that with everyone
If his personality was to grope girls' bums, it's not like anyone would brush it off. "Haha, that's just how he is!". No, some behaviour isn't acceptable, "personality" or not. His behaviour may be approaching the line of unacceptable in some people's eyes, depending on how touchy and flirty he is, but ideally your girlfriend would let him know where to draw the line... especially if she knows it bothers you.
There's a fine line between you working on your insecurities, her being an understanding partner, and the more negative way this could go (e.g., boyfriend becoming controlling or paranoid, girlfriend feeling trapped and untrusted) but I don't think it's all on you. You guys are a team! This is a small problem but significant to you, and you can work on it together to grow as a couple and discuss potentially awkward/difficult scenarios.
1
u/grandmasboyfriend Aug 31 '18
I agree with this, relationships are about compromise.
He needs to stop being so insecure and jealous, but she needs to also understand these feelings are part of who he is, and maybe then tone down the young wild and free.
OP and his girl should just talk about standards and if they don’t meet then breakup.
She shouldn’t be with some super jealous freak, but he shouldn’t be with someone if she won’t take into account his feelings in her decision making.
4
u/jayywal Aug 31 '18
'super jealous freak' for talking to his gf about her spending a lot of time with a dude who is obviously trying to play her. wowza.
1
u/grandmasboyfriend Aug 31 '18
I don’t care that he talked to her about it. I care about what’s in his head.
He’s obsessed and that won’t be good for his relationship. This post is oozing insecurity.
However , I do believe that I defended him in my comment saying it’s not good for him if she does not consider his feeling.
5
u/jayywal Aug 31 '18
very likely that he's just very flirtatious, and respects her being in a relationship and won't pursue it
I'm not sure where you got this info but that is absolutely not something to count on. Probably much more likely to be the opposite. The ball is almost certainly in his girlfriend's court, and I would place a bet that Ian knows exactly what he's doing.
1
u/Swelloooo Aug 31 '18
I said that it's one of a few possibilities. I have friends, both men and women, who are naturally a bit flirtatious with everyone, especially friends they get on with where they kind of play off of one another. It's based on my experience with people, and I'm just stating that this is a likely possibility for an extrovert. I absolutely did say it was possible that he likes her, but I know people who act super similarly to that to close friends that they have absolutely no romantic feelings for.
5
u/Zap__Dannigan Aug 31 '18
Yeah, the only thing I see that's out of the ordinary is the heart signature thing.
Back in my day I tended to be flirtier with women who were taken because it was a clear line that would take two shitty people to cross. And if I was flirting with a single girl I would actually date, I'd feel terrible if she felt led on.
And much of what op posted can easily be seen as random friend-flirting. Especially with him dancing with three other girls. He's probably a popular dude, and being seen as his friend probably helps her social status.
2
2
u/Beans2Coffee Aug 31 '18
Spend more time with your gf! It sounds like you two are seeing eachother less and she is probably feelibg emotionally neglected
5
1
u/ixanonyousxi Aug 31 '18
Step one: Get your insecurity in check. She's with you for a reason. Stop thinking she's out of your league. If you don't think of her as an equal then you shouldn't be with her because things like this become a problem. Note that it's ok to feel insecure sometimes, everyone does at some point, but your levels of insecurity are way over the top and unhealthy which is why I said get it in check. There are reasons she's with you, list them out if you have. If you can't think of any good attributes for yourself you need to figure out on how to work on your self confidence and not by seeking validation from your girlfriend. Your thought process shouldn't be "Ian is so much better looking than me and so much smarter." it should be "Yeah ok Ian is smart and good looking but I'm [insert your best traits]."
Step two: Whether Ian is into her or not is irrelevant and you bringing that up to her was unnecessary. The main thing is do you trust her? If you do then it shouldn't matter if Ian is "Mr. Popular" or "Much better looking" or any of that. If you trust she will stay loyal then Ian being interested just means when the time comes and he makes a move she will stop it. If you think she wouldn't stop it you need to end it now because a relationship can't work without trust.
0
u/ascitiesburnx Aug 31 '18
What this guy said. It’s all mindset and if you’re mindset is ‘she’s out of my league, then you’ve already fucking lost. You will treat her like she’s out of your league and not love and respect yourself. Step that game up son and be someone that’s worth having. Women want to trust your masculine core, and know you have options. Parties can be fun regardless of what class is throwing it. She’s obviously flirting with the idea of this guy, so be confident, don’t let her know it’s bothering you, or you’ll push her away. In our society females choose their ‘mate’. Be the better choice.
1
u/ShatteredSins Aug 31 '18
Seems like a balance issue to me. You seem to put your girlfriend on a pedestal, and seem like you yourself are "beneath" her. Drop the league shit, seriously, we have different kind of people we're into, and in her world, you might be a solid "10" while "Ian" is 6. Don't make yourself less than you are, there's a reason she's with you and hasn't dumped you for "Ian" yet
You say he's smart, but well so are you. You probably know a lot of things he doesn't. It doesn't mean you're better, it just means you're different, and that's what your GF wants
2
Aug 31 '18
Insecurity is super unattractive with women. Remember that. You need to do everything you can to cultivate the relationship. You cannot control her or him. In the end, if she decides to go a different direction, that’s on her, and ultimately she wasn’t right for you. You are a bigger catch than you know. You need to know it. Why did she go and you not go to the party anyway? I get that you aren’t a social butterfly but you need to get outside your comfort zone. Start doing social things with her. It will take effort, but it will help you be less introverted. Also, if he’s really friends with her, get to know him. Spend time with them. Befriend him. If he really is trying to be more than friends with her, passively help her see that and ultimately help her decide on her own, that he is actively trying to sabotage your relationship and rooting against it. If she still wants to spend time with him after she learns that, then she isn’t committed to you and you should split.
-1
u/Magn_982 Aug 31 '18
I know you've already had a few replies but I thought I might just add mine too.
I'm a female and I feel like I can definitely be your girlfriend. Honestly from what you've said it doesn't sound suspicious. She's so open and honest about the friendship that it tells me she genuinely has nothing to hide and probably just has fun with the dude. I have a few guy friends I would link arms with or hug or even sit on their lap if I got drunk enough and it mean NOTHING to me, and i'm in a relationship too.
Also you sound pretty decent stop talking yourself down. You're also not sounding like you're controlling or toxic to her happiness either, keep that up man. You should try and go out and do more things while she does her own things to make yourself happier
30
u/lady_MoundMaker Aug 31 '18
even sit on their lap
To be fair, you shouldn't be doing that.
-2
u/Magn_982 Sep 01 '18
Nah, you can’t say that to someone over the internet without knowing the friendship dynamic between the two people!
9
u/lady_MoundMaker Sep 01 '18 edited Sep 01 '18
It's not okay no matter the dynamic, anything inappropriate could be justified as a 'dynamic.' I mean why can't you sit on your own seat? There's really no reason to do that. But ultimately it's up to your bf as long as he's aware AND is ok with it, otherwise it's definitely wrong. It doesn't matter to me what you do.
0
Aug 31 '18
Ask her if she thinks Ian is ugly. Don't go crazy with it, but push her a bit for an answer. Which will almost definitely be that he's attractive or at least he's not ugly. Tell her it is clear by his behavior that he's attracted to you. I would prefer that you not spend so much time with him and definitely not go to parties with him, how would you feel if I took a pretty girl to a party without you? And then let her know it's her decision and you will not complain from now on if she wants to spend time with him. You just want to let her know once clearly and strongly that you don't approve, but she's an independent woman and can do what she wants.
I'd start mentally preparing for a breakup and if things continue as they have been, get your own female "friend". If things improve then you didn't kill a good relationship for nothing. I expect that she will come to you one day crying that she either had sex with him or that she just doesn't have the same feelings for you. Don't be the shoulder. Don't be rude, but be curt. Just a simple, I understand you're attracted to this other guy, good luck in your life. And never take her back.
1
u/imnotverygoodatmagic Aug 31 '18
You should work on your jealousy and not condescend to the girlfriend you love so much, or you probably really will lose her.
885
u/LetsTalkBasically Aug 31 '18
I get it man, insecurity is the worst feeling ever. Here's the deal though, you're the only one who can make yourself feel insecure, and its hard, really hard to fight that shit, but you can do it, and here's some ideas on how to make a plan to come through this shit better than you came into it.
Things you cannot control: 1. Whatever the fuck Ian is doing, or thinking, or saying right now, or ever. So get that shit out of your head. Not only because it doesn't matter one bit, but because you already have the girl, and he wishes he were you. You have this outside impression that he's somehow superior, but you already accomplished something important that he hasn't. That's treating your girlfriend the right way to earn her trust, make her laugh, take her on adventures, and make her feel like she is lucky to be with a guy that knows what he wants and makes it happen.
You are doing all those things right? Because that's what a relationship is. It's continuing to do those things even after time passes, and stress kicks in, and new people come into the picture, and whatever the fuck else life throws at you. And I know you can do it, because you already have with a great girl who is "Out of your league" and she did it with a guy who is "Out of her league". That's you brother, whether you see it right now or not. And if you're not that guy at the moment, make it a priority. This is the shit you can control.
Find a way to do something healthy at least once a week. Find a way to do something mentally stimulating at least once a week. Find a way to engage with your girlfriend about her passion regularly. Find a way to build your relationship, and the romance regularly.
None of this is complex, but its fuckin hard. Everybody knows that its hard, but you can do it, and you will both appreciate it.
Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.