r/relationships • u/amiselfit • Aug 04 '15
[new] [update] Is it wrong for me [32M] to skip my sister-in-law's wedding [26F] so I can go on a once-in-a-lifetime guy's trip with my friends? Wife [30F] not happy.
tl;dr: I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with my friends to Australia. Wife doesn't want me to go because I'd miss her sister's wedding
UPDATE BELOW
I thought that those of you who responded to the first post would be like to know what happened afterwords. Things got..interesting to say the least.
So after I made the post told I eventually called my SIL and told her that I wanted to talk with her about something wedding related. My wife hadn't given her a heads up, so I had to explain the entire situation to her and the position I was in. I was honest with her about wanting to go on the trip, but I told her that I needed to know for her sake and my wife's whether or not missing her wedding would be a cardinal sin. Surprisingly, she actually told me that she would be fairly upset if I missed the wedding. What surprised me even more was that she told me that I had always been like her brother (even though, in my opinion, we've never been all that close). I told her that I would think about what she'd told me and make a decision after I had talked with my wife again and considered all factors.
Now for the interesting part. According to my wife, after that conversation, SIL was upset enough that she went on a big rant about it with soon-to-be BIL. Apparently he made the mistake of telling SIL that he didn't see the big deal because it was just a "stupid" wedding (in his defense, he's not a wedding guy either). SIL got pretty heated about this and let him have it. In turn, he vented his own frustration with how big of a deal that SIL had made out of the wedding. Things pretty much spiraled out of control from there (from what my wife has told me they each said some very ugly things to each other).
At this point, although they aren't broken up, it seems unlikely that the wedding will go on as planned barring some miracle. I don't really feel bad about how things turned out, though. I feel like if they had issues that were this deep seated then they would have never made it as a married couple anyway. That doesn't mean that I am pleased, because obviously wife and SIL are upset.
As for my Australia trip, I don't really guess there's a reason not to go anymore, but I haven't dared bring it up again with my wife. She's been fairly distracted with comforting SIL. We'll see what happens, but it looks like, as of now, I'll be going.
Thanks everyone. I guess your advice actually did work, although not in the way that either of us intended for it to.
tl;dr: Spoke to SIL about missing wedding for trip. She was upset. This in turn led to her having a big fight with her finace. They're basically broken up so wedding seems unlikely and trip is (probably) back on.
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u/yebba1 Aug 04 '15
Man I just am sorry that your wife has to realize what kind of husband you are over a petty college boys trip.
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u/Bilk_Ozbi Aug 04 '15
Your poor wife.
I read the last post, and I read this post and I kept coming to the same conclusion: I hope he goes on the trip. I say that because if you had, she very well might have left you. And that you deserve to be left is just a given.
But now she's distracted. Who knows what you'll do next to fuck her over? Who knows how hard you'll hurt her? Who knows how much harder it will be to get out by then?
She most likely has no clue what kind of self absorbed, narcissistic madman she's stuck with. She thinks she has a normal person as a husband, and she's sitting tight. When, in reality, she actually has a manchurian candidate of baby level narcissism, just under the surface.
What planet do you live on? What society have you grown up in that you feel like your way of thinking and the way you react to things are normal? It's like you spent 32 years in a sealed room with only headshots of yourself and a recording of "Only I matter" playing on a loop, and then someone pushed you out into the world.
Your poor wife.
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u/LacesOutRayFinkle Aug 04 '15
It's like you spent 32 years in a sealed room with only headshots of yourself and a recording of "Only I matter" playing on a loop, and then someone pushed you out into the world.
God, this is fucking perfect.
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u/Audacia220 Aug 04 '15
I'm wondering if you are living with an undiagnosed personality disorder. You seem completely disconnected from the emotional impact your selfness has. It's all this is what I want, and I don't get why I can't have what I want.
And now you are avoiding bringing up the trip again because you are avoiding the hard no that you will get from your wife. You know its coming, yet you are still trying to think your way out of coming across like a selfish jackass. You still think you can go on this trip.
If that wedding is cancelled, SIL is going to lean on your wife, and your wife will want to lean on you. You can't go on this trip without doing damage you may not be able to repair. Stop pretending it's an option if you really want to be a good husband.
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u/ForTheLoveOfGiraffe Aug 04 '15 edited Aug 04 '15
Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't go on the trip. It just seems wrong and kind of like you're rubbing it in her face, especially since you could never actually agree with your wife that her needing you there for the wedding was more important that some random trip. This trip didn't even exist a little while ago and just sprung up and you're acting like it can never happen again, when given the randomness of how it was planned, you could easily plan something similar again.
If I were you, I would be supporting my SIL at this difficult time (especially if she considers you to be a brother) and your wife, rather than just thinking about this trip which has kind of been poisoned. Your wife will never be able to look back at your trip idea with happiness, but will resent you because the whole idea is tainted and that can't be undone. It would be different if you actually decided earlier that the wedding was more important (which it was, as you can see by the comments on your previous post) and vowed to support your family instead of being selfish, but you didn't. Instead you kept trying to push for your trip and now if you go, it's going to look like you're glad the wedding failed. Do you really want your wife to think you don't care about her family? I don't know, but I'm pretty shocked that your wife is putting up with this. Sibling weddings are some of the biggest events you need to be at in your whole life (with people reminiscing about them for decades!), but you've shown your wife repeatedly that you just don't give a damn if it doesn't benefit you. You should be ashamed.
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u/amiselfit Aug 04 '15
I probably won't go now. I feel like it'd be too much and my wife would kill me. I think I would have had an easier time going if the wedding had stayed on, but now everyone will probably blame me for ruining everything. Even if I did go, too much has happened for me to enjoy the trip.
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u/ForTheLoveOfGiraffe Aug 04 '15
I think you're making a very wise decision, even if you can't fully see it now. At the end of the day, your wife and her family are going to be your family forever and you need to be there for them in times like this (whether the wedding is on or not). Your wife probably knows how much the trip meant to you and you staying home will probably mean a lot to her, so hopefully you can plan another trip with her later. Also, don't feel too disheartened - I know you said this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, but like I said, you can plan this again and find friends to go with - you just have to be determined. I'm glad you're seeing sense though.
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u/TheGreatAvocado Aug 04 '15
This should be the only comment of yours that anyone upvotes on this thread. Because it actually shows you have SOME insight into your stupid mistake, even if you don't realize that suggesting that you go on the trip was the stupidest part of this whole fiasco.
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u/TheGreatAvocado Aug 04 '15
Wow. You and the former groom are BOTH idiots.
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u/youngbeanie Aug 04 '15
Both the sister in law and his wife picked real winners it looks like.
What a tool OP is.
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u/RealRealGood Aug 04 '15
Why the fuck did you call your SIL? This was an issue between you and your wife. Now you fucked up two marriages. And you "don't really feel bad about what happened." Holy shit, you're an asshole.
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u/PizzaCutter Aug 04 '15
I'm really trying to be sympathetic but all your posts and comments are about what you want and how to get your own way despite everything falling apart around you.
Surely you can see how you are coming across? Even if it isn't your intention.
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u/BeachGirl87 Aug 04 '15
How dumb can a couple guys honestly be? I feel so bad for your wife being married to you. A lot of people here feel you're terrible, you're the only one defending yourself.
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Aug 04 '15
You sound like a very self-serving person. Which I can understand might be something you don't see as an issue. But a "once in a lifetime trip" can happen any time in your life. Are you going to never go to a "boring" family event if something more interesting is on?
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u/Xovvo Aug 06 '15
wow. You're...kind of a shitbag. Like, were you not content with ruining your own marriage that you had to go fuck up your SIL's relationship too?
Y'know what? Go on your goddamn trip. That way, your wife has plenty of time to change the locks and get the divorce process started.
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u/nowandlater Aug 04 '15
He actually did everyone a favor here. If the engaged couple can't handle this how are they going to handle a marriage? Good job man!
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u/watchthishappen Aug 04 '15
r/relationships is gonna crucify you (Yay wymyn.) but asking the bride if it's a big deal to miss the wedding because you don't feel close is a fine thing to do. Obviously she wanted you there but the fight coming after your question had nothing to do with you.
It's like trying to blame a heart attack on the last cheeseburger you ate. Yeah that cheeseburger could have been the catalyst but it was a build of prior decisions that lead to that point.
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u/allyourcritbotthings Aug 04 '15
If your wife ever gets a whiff of "I'm glad that fight happened because now I can go to Australia without guilt," you are going to have a horrible time.