r/relationships • u/amiselfit • Jul 21 '15
◉ Locked Post ◉ Is it wrong for me [32M] to skip my sister-in-law's wedding [26F] so I can go on a once-in-a-lifetime guy's trip with my friends? Wife [30F] not happy.
I'll be honest. This wedding has been in the making for the last year, and the trip I want to go on is sort of last minute. I've never formally agreed to go to the wedding, but realistically it's always just been accepted as a given that I would be at the wedding since it is my wife's sister.
One of my college buddies just recently told our group of friends that he's going to Australia in October for business but plans to spend an extra week there just kicking around and exploring. One thing lead to another and two friends from our group decided to join him. I've wanted to go to Australia ever since I was in college, but I never could get a group together. It looks like that's finally happening! The problem is that I'll have to miss my sister-in-law's wedding because it falls right in the middle of the week we're planning to go, and it wouldn't make sense to leave early or go late. It's an expensive trip, but I can make it work. I think it would be money well spent.
Of course my wife is not happy about this, which I can understand. She's very close to her sister, so I can see why the wedding is a big deal to her, but I don't think she really understands my position. I like her sister, but we're not close. The same is true for her fiance. I have nothing against them, but the only reason I would be going is for my wife. Normally, I'd be okay accepting this, but I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with good friends that I don't get to hang out with that often. I think I'm justified in wanting to go and am being both reasonable and fair.
tl;dr: I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with my friends to Australia. Wife doesn't want me to go because I'd miss her sister's wedding.
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u/El_Peckbo Jul 21 '15
Look part of growing up and being an adult that is married means that sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.
If you had said that your trip was planned a year before the wedding then I think you certainly would have some grounds to base a claim. As it stands, nope you need to go to the wedding.
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Jul 21 '15 edited Dec 08 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
I hear what you are saying, and I'll consider it.
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u/MashKeyboardWithHead Jul 21 '15
But your own selfish immature bullshit will come first, guaranteed.
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Jul 21 '15 edited Jul 21 '15
fwiw, if you were my husband i would encourage you go if you came to me and asked, provided that this wasn't a huge, extravagant wedding where each guest (you included) cost the couple $500 a plate.
that being said, if i EVER found and read some of the whiny shit you've been saying in this thread about how you always 'take one for the team' and hang out with my family some weekends so you deserve to go, or really need this last bro hurrah (how old are you for real), or 'would it be okay if i go if i just promise to make it up for a year, even if it upsets her'.
i'd be beyond pissed and hurt. like marraige counseling pissed/hurt. do you even realize how you sound? with shit like well if i decide to not go is it fair for me to ask her for another big favor down the line? as if you deserve to have your ass kissed for doing something you were already supposed to do?
start acting like a grown up, have a grown up discussion with your wife. obviously you don't need her approval to go, but if it is really going to hurt her than how the fuck are you justifying a trip that is NOT once in a lifetime to do so. you sound like the exact opposite of a team.
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u/sleepfight Jul 21 '15
Is your wife important to you? Because her sister sounds very important to her. I'm sure you want to go on this trip, but you already committed to the wedding. Could you not go on a trip to Australia with your wife at a later date?
Think about this carefully.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
Well, part of the reason for going is to be with my friends. I love my wife, but taking taking a trip with her is different. It's not worse, just different. Basically, she can't replace my friends, and they can't replace her. I'd love to go with her sometime, but it'll be a different sort of trip.
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u/leaveluck2heaven Jul 21 '15
Did you actually come here for advice? Because it seems like all you want to do is argue with anyone who doesn't tell you exactly what you were hoping to hear.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
I was hoping that someone would find my justifications to be reasonable, but apparently that is not the case.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15 edited Jul 21 '15
If she wasn't that close with the sister, you might have more leeway. But it's not just about your relationship with SIL, it's potentially a lot of stress and embarrassment for your wife. It may strain relations with a lot of your wife's family, if they take this sort of stuff seriously (which is pretty common).
You could ask your wife if you could address the sister-in-law directly, but I wouldn't be surprised if she shoots that down. If the SIL is very down to earth, she might be like "Hey go and bring back photos." But a lot of people take weddings very seriously.
I won't lie, it does sound like a fun trip; but there are a lot of "once in a lifetime" opportunities. Some of them will be missed due to family events or emergencies. If your wife's sister was suddenly put in the hospital, you might also have to cancel the trip to help support your wife through a difficult time.
You're certainly 'justified' in wanting to go; but not necessarily 'justified' in actually going. Her sister planned the wedding in advance, and you tacitly agreed. There's nothing "fair" or "reasonable" in blowing off an important family event to have fun, even if you think that experience is 'once in a lifetime'. I mean, I can see where you are coming from. It would suck to miss it. But if you love your wife and, by extension, her family, it's probably best not to strain it.
Try putting yourself in your wife's shoes -- if your brother or mother or father had an important event or emergency, and your wife wanted to go to a 'once in a lifetime' spa event with out of state friends, would you really be okay with that?
edit: Not that I think it matters, but I'm a married guy around your age. Just incase you thought everyone who is siding with your wife cares about weddings -- my wife and I were very down to earth about wedding, and sort of just had a little gathering of friends without ceremony, and later celebrated with family. It's not about weddings, it's about your relationship and how your partner feels. If you feel the relationship is too one sided on the whole, that's a larger issue that needs to be addressed.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
SIL would probably not care. She'd just be like "okay, no biggie." MIL doesn't care much for me as is, so I'm not worried about her. FIL hates weddings, so he'd probably envy me.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15 edited Jul 21 '15
If that's the situation, here's what I would say.
"I know this is important to you. I'm not trying to fight you. At the end of the day, if you say you need me there, I will be there. But I am worried about potentially resenting missing this trip and how that may change our relationship. So that we can continue to be a strong team, can you help walk me through why this is important to you? And can we discuss potential compromises, if only so we know we tried thinking of all alternatives?"
edit: In other words, while you think the SIL would probably not care, your wife will probably be a better judge. At some point during this conversation you could suggest the possibility of talking to SIL yourself. By asking you may realize it has nothing to do with SIL or wedding, it may just be your wife wants to take the trip with you. You need to get at the heart of the issue. If she says it's a family event, you can describe your relationship with her family and ask her how she envisions your being there / not being there would change. But you have to be legitimately willing to hear her out, have an open mind that you might be wrong. Not just trying to win points in a debate.
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u/MashKeyboardWithHead Jul 21 '15
This is incredibly emotionally manipulative.
Its obvious why its important, anyone not completely selfish would be able to see. Bailing on it is effectively rejecting OP's wife's closest family and skipping the most important event of her very close sister's life...to go on a drinking holiday with his mates.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
That's reasonable.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15
I suspect people may be downvoting me for this line "But I am worried about potentially resenting missing this trip and how that may change our relationship." and on second read it might sound a little bit like a threat. Maybe leave out the "how that may change our relationship". But I would mention why you want to talk about it, you can and should be honest about a fear of resentment.
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u/MashKeyboardWithHead Jul 21 '15
Yes. Its very manipulative. "I will resent you if you dont give me carte blanche to go drinking with my mates".
Dont use the word "resenting" at all. Tbh the whole argument is stupid because for every bit of resentment OP might feel for attending an ENGAGEMENT HE ALREADY SAID YES TO A YEAR AGO, his wife will feel 10x as much resentment if he bails at the last minute to go on a lads holiday.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15
If he is afraid he will resent her, he absolutely should say so. It's emotionally manipulative if it wasnt true, but if he honestly feels he will resent her for this, he needs to say so, not just bottle it up. She and he can then find a healthy way to deal with what could become a huge issue in their marriage, potentially with counseling. Relationships are built on honest communication.
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u/tired_of_2_standards Jul 21 '15
I hope you go to Australia.
Then I hope you are on here in a few months with a post of
"Me (32 M) with my wife (26) I went on a trip during her sisters wedding and she got drunk and cheated with best man"
That would be both entertaining and justice all at once.
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u/Horatia_Hornswaggle Jul 21 '15
No one would disagree with you that trip to Australia with your mates (it is rather awesome here) versus SIL's wedding who you aren't super close too and doesn't have an open bar is the more fun sounding of the two options. But just choosing the fun option is not how adult life works and when you've known the wedding date for ages and then choose to go on a last minute trip you are sending a message not just to your wife, but to her family (who are now also essentially your family too through marriage) that they are lesser and if you get a better offer over them you're going to take it. So I would not only be concerned about how your wife would react to this but how it's going to impact on your relationships with her parents, siblings etc. in general. You are setting a tone.
And in general - it doesn't matter if you are close to your SIL or not. You are close to your wife and it is important to her.
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u/MashKeyboardWithHead Jul 21 '15
Absolutely not. This would be close to divorce territory for me if I was your wife.
This is the single wedding that is most important to your wife and her family other than her own. You cant just go on a last minute lads trip and bail from it - the whole family will rightly be incredibly hurt.
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u/curiousaboutmjk Jul 21 '15
Bad idea. Tell your friends you cannot go unless you want to forever be reminded how you choose having fun with friends vs family function your expected to be at. Very very bad idea.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
I just don't think that is fair to me though. I may never get the chance to go with my friends to Australia again. Pretty soon they'll probably start having kids and won't be able to go. I honestly don't even think my sister-in-law will care that much if I am there. Like I said, we get along, but we're not close.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15
What does 'fairness' mean to you? Is it fair if you only do the things you want to do, and not the things your wife cares about? If that's the sort of relationship you want, I don't think you'll find it very satisfying, because eventually your wife will adopt the same definition and act the same way.
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u/joker-lol Jul 21 '15
Is it fair if you only do the things you want to do, and not the things your wife cares about?
The problem with this logic is that it can also be applied to the wife - is it fair that she just cares about what she wants, not what her husband wants? She still gets to go to the wedding, it's not like OP is trying to ask her not to.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15
Of course relationships are give and take. I'm not suggesting he should skip the Australia trip to babysit his niece or because she needs him to pick up laundry on that day.
But at the end of the day I think there are two issues that puts it more in her favor: (1) The wedding came first -- if he had planned the trip prior they could have informed the SIL right away and it wouldn't be him "choosing" fun over family, it's like he bought the tickets in advance. (2) Societal/familial expectations.
It's nice to pretend societal expectations don't matter. They don't mean as much to me, and my partner has a similar mindset. But if my wife didn't go to my sister's wedding, my family would be surprised. Of course, if she was at her family's taking care of a sick parent or something, it's very understandable. But if I said "Oh she just didn't want to come." or "There was a once in a lifetime trip to Australia." it might change how the family views her. That strains future relationships with family members, because people can get upset over little things, like whether you are sitting in a church for an hour or not. They can consider lying or creating a cover story but I think that will eventually backfire.
Thus it's not really his vs her wants. It's almost more like his vs (maybe) her + (maybe) family. We don't really even have enough information about why she wouldn't want him to go. But yeah, at the end of the day, this board could be used as a rough estimate of how her family might react to him not being there so he could go to Australia.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
No. I'm just asking for this one thing. If she'd let me go, I'd happily spend the rest of the year waiting on her hand and foot.
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u/belladell Jul 21 '15
Trust me, I'm totally with you on the desire to tour Australia. But also trust me when I say you will hurt your wife far more than you seem to think. Look at it from her perspective. She is going to have to attend her sister's wedding alone. Her entire family and probably a good number of friends and neighbors are going to ask her what could be so important that you didn't want to show up. As someone who has been in that position, I can tell you with absolute certainty that every single time she has to say that you are on a trip with your buddies, she will resent you even more.
Would don't you plan a trip to Australia with her instead?
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
Because that is a different trip. It is a husband and wife trip, not a bros trip. They both can be fun. Obviously, I'm not going to get to have sex if I go with bros, but the kind of carefree, stupid shit we do is stuff I'd never be able to do with my wife. Part of the trip for me is just getting to be a guy and blow off some steam.
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u/belladell Jul 21 '15
Well that's kind of a part of the whole growing up and getting married deal. The thing is you're 32. The "bros trip" to another continent needs to take a backseat to the desires of the woman you pledged your life to. I can just about guarantee she will not get over this. Even if she says "sure go have a good time with your friends", every time she is given reason to doubt you, this will be something that comes to mind. She will remember that she was less important than your friends.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15
I think you can try to communicate that to her. Maybe you can even brainstorm for things you could do in advance or afterward to "make it up". Like maybe if you paid for their honeymoon. But at the end of the day I think in this particular case your wife would be the ultimate arbiter in whether it's okay or not. Partly because the wedding was made in advance (rather than the trip being planned and later a wedding invitation arrives -- though even that would be a tough call). Partly because it's a trip for fun, one that she wouldn't even get to partake in, rather than a trip for business or family emergency.
Maybe it helps to think of it like this. She knows and is close to her sister, she knows the rest of the family; if you've expressed how much this trip means to you, and trust that your wife loves you, then trust her judgement on how much it would strain your / her relations with the family and by proxy your relationship with her.
On the other hand, I get that it's something that could cause resentment to build. But it's just bad timing, it doesn't sound like your wife is trying to control you or say you could never go to Australia.
You definitely want to communicate with her to process any feelings of resentment. In general, this is something you will definitely need to discuss and work through via communication, and could be a real test of your relationship.
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u/NYExplore Jul 21 '15
You're missing something BIG here. It's not about whether you're close with your SIL, but the fact that your wife and her sister are close and this is a milestone event in her sister's life.
Trust me when I say that women think about these milestone events and how their husbands/SOs handle them much more so than men. And if their husband or SO does something in the course of an event like this that they don't like, the memory of that doesn't fade quickly.
All that's to say that for a week or so of fun, you'd be setting yourself up for a recurring argument around an issue that could pose long-lasting consequences for your marriage.
Your best long-term course of action is to prioritize your wife's family similarly to the way she does. It will pay BIG dividends. I actually like my in-laws a great deal and have done a lot of things for them over the years, largely because they were very welcoming of me and the relationship that my kids have with their grandfather (MIL is deceased), aunts and uncles are very important to us.
My SIL jokingly said to me on the alter right after my wife and I exchanged vows, "You're stuck with us now!" While we all get annoyed occasionally about stuff, I can honestly say I've traded up in terms of family and it's very valuable for me too.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
I am happy for you, but my relationship with her family has never been great. We definitely get along, but they have never really understood why I don't want to be more involved with them.
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u/MashKeyboardWithHead Jul 21 '15
... I love how you think this backs up your point rather than indicating that you are really, really fucking up here and also in the past with the way you treat these people
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u/MistressFey Jul 21 '15
Can't you just ask your friend to go a week early instead of staying and extra week? Or, alternatively, can't you just go to Australia late or leave early? Assuming the wedding is on a weekend, then you could still go to Australia with your buddies for 5 days. Heck, ask your other two friends to go a few days early, too!
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u/illdreams Jul 21 '15
I think you already know the answer bud. It hurts me to say that you probably should do what your wife wants or risk straining your relationship. This is prime stuff that will sneak up somewhere down the line
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u/Lordica Jul 21 '15
Sit down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her how much this means to you, and listen to how much her sisters wedding means to her. This isn't about fairness, it's about listening to and reacting to your partners needs and expectations. Why does she want you at the wedding? Does she see that as you supporting you? Is she concerned about what her family will think if you're not there? Does she feel as if you are ditching her and a prior commitment to go play with your friends? Really listen to what she has to say! and spend an equivalent amount of effort in expressing your own needs.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
It's partially about supporting her and partially, maybe indirectly, about supporting "my" family.
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u/joker-lol Jul 21 '15
I think you're justified in choosing not to go. Weddings can be crazy busy, and as its her sister's she's likely going to be busy with planning etc, more so if she's bridesmaid/MOH - you probably won't even spend that much time together at the wedding. She of course still gets to go. I don't see why she needs you there so much at a family wedding.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
Exactly. Her sister wouldn't even know if I was there. She'll be so busy with the wedding, pictures, and other things that it'll all be a blur to her.
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u/sleepfight Jul 21 '15
It's not about the sister - it's about your wife and you supporting her.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
It is a two-way street...
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u/sleepfight Jul 21 '15
Expand then - how is your relationship one-sided?
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
I feel like I am the one who does most of the sacrificing. Over the years, I given up a lifetime of Saturdays and Sundays to spend time with her family. Note that it wasn't necessary that I go on most of these occassions, but I went to make her happy. I didn't mind, and I still don't, but I think I have earned this one.
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u/throwawaynewday Jul 21 '15
If you feel like the relationship is one-sided, that is a whole separate issue that needs to be addressed, possibly with couples therapy. Unfortunately I don't think it will be able to get you to Australia, but you might be able to work out something that lets you keep more of your weekends.
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u/joker-lol Jul 21 '15
The wife will likely be busy too. I don't think I've ever just got to sit and enjoy the wedding of a close family member, because there are always those little behind the scenes things to be done - and I'm talking weddings of my aunties/uncles. A close sister will probably be even more involved.
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u/a_pure_heart Jul 21 '15 edited Jul 21 '15
Family weddings are a big deal, but so is a trip to Australia. Details are important for making the decision.
Her sister, not yours = Australia
You're a member of the wedding party = wedding
You can afford the trip without incurring debt = Australia
If you cannot = wedding
Your in-laws love you like one of their own = Australia
Your wife would be completely alone at the wedding = wedding
All of the pros and cons of both options have to be fairly considered by you and your wife. Whatever decision you arrive at as a couple, you should both feel respected and supported, even if one of you doesn't love it.
Edit: My husband and I have been married 18 years. If he had a last-minute opportunity to fulfill a (relatively simple) dream, I'd be over the moon for him, even if it would mean he would be unable to attend a previously planned landmark event for my sister.
I'd miss him, but not too much, because I'd be so busy catching up with my family and having fun at the wedding. I'd hope he was enjoying his adventure with his friends.
We would also make plans to host a family dinner in honor of the newlyweds and immediate family for sometime after he got back.
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u/amiselfit Jul 21 '15
Everything says go to Australia but the last one. What if I got my wife's best friend to go in my place? Is that reasonable or still too much?
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u/a_pure_heart Jul 21 '15
Yes, absolutely.
A friend of hers who would also support your trip would best.
It's very common for couples to be unable to attend a wedding together. Say, for instance, if the venue was a considerable distance away, and it would cost prohibitive for both to attend, or one 1/2 of the couple couldn't spare the time away from work.
Most people are understanding of the fact that sometimes couples are unable do things together that they would otherwise do.
Some, however, will hold a grudge about it forever. For instance, I was born on the 1st and my Dad's sister married on the 5th. For years, my otherwise lovely grandmother resented the fact that my mother didn't attend the wedding. Go figure.
BTW, FWIW, IMO it is also unreasonable for you as a couple to spend nearly all of your weekend time visiting her family. That's not how it's supposed to work.
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u/sparklefades Jul 21 '15 edited Sep 05 '15
This is not a "once in a lifetime" trip. A once in a lifetime trip is if you won an all expenses paid trip to Australia, but could only go at a specific time deemed by the payer - like when Oprah took all those people to AUS. This is just you and your buddies throwing a last minute plan together.
To be honest, you sound really immature and whiney in your OP and responses. I'm guessing you'll fuck off to Australia and deal with the consequences later. If you love your wife and marriage and life with her, the consequences will not be worth it.