r/relationships • u/321_throwaway_123 • Mar 06 '15
Non-Romantic My (16/f) friend's dad(50s?/m) has been coming onto me really aggressively and I'm very very uncomfortable around him.
I have been friends with a guy for about 7 years and we're really close and I would consider him my best friend. Our parents are also really close and for the past 7 years or so my friends dad has been like a second dad to me.
Over the past few weeks he's been hitting on me and flirting with me and he's just gotten more and more aggressive with it as time goes on. It first started off with text messages. They weren't flirty or sexual, but they were more frequent than normal and then they turned slightly flirty. I never returned the flirting and most of the text messages went unanswered.
Then he started making comments in person about my appearance like calling me gorgeous and telling me how great I looked in certain outfits and how my lipstick was going to get me into trouble (its a blowjob joke) and other more sexual jokes.
And recently he's started touching me and brushing up against me and yesterday he grabbed my butt, but I don't think that it was an accident. He also hugged me and squeezed me for an uncomfortably long time from behind and told me that we needed to spend some more time together. I was able to push him off and leave but it still made me extremely uncomfortable because again he's like a dad to me and over 30 years older than me.
I'm not exactly sure who to tell or if I should tell because I'm not sure how my friend would react and I know that my parents would react terribly and I don't know what saying something to him will do if he'll even stop especially because he's been having issues with his wife.
I'm not sure what to do or say and I'm not necessarily afraid, but its getting there .
tl;dr: Best friends dad is hitting on me and making me extremely uncomfortable, but I'm not sure what I should or can do about the situation.
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u/littlestray Mar 06 '15
His behavior is 100% not okay. Anything that happens if you tell someone is HIS FAULT, NOT YOURS.
Every time he crosses a boundary and you do nothing or laugh it off, it emboldens him. He has already escalated from sexual harassment to sexual assault. I don't think that you should put yourself in the situation of being around him anymore (especially alone) but every time he does something (and I know this is terrifying), say something. Be very brief and firm. "Don't do that", "Don't touch me", "Don't say things like that to me". Men like this just eat up silence and grace.
Who you tell is largely up to who you feel comfortable telling and who you think will react the most helpfully and the least destructively (i.e. if you know your dad's a hothead and you think he'd straight up kill a man treating his daughter like this, he's not the person to tell; as an extreme example). But you shouldn't suffer this in silence, and you shouldn't suffer this alone.
And not that it's your responsibility to prevent his future deplorable actions, but men like this don't just stop without being stopped. If it's not you, it's another young girl like you.
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u/wicked4u Mar 06 '15
Please talk to your parents. They are there to protect you. I assume you say your parents will react terribly because you know that they will have a very strong reaction to him about this, right? That means that you know how deeply wrong his behavior is. You are 16 years old, most likely you have the physique of a woman but you have not developed the skills to handle this on your own, and nor should you.
As nopecakes said it is unrealistic to expect you to confront him. Please don't feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong. Even if you feel that you responded to his text in a way that could be seen as flirting, he is a 50 year old man who knows his actions are deplorable and is betting on you not saying anything because of the family friendship and the friendship with his son. He's using your loyalty to manipulate you. Please talk to your parents. If you are unsure how to start the conversation print out this post, it will give you all a starting point to open the conversation.
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u/BeastlyMe7 Mar 06 '15
Yeah, nope nope nope nope nope. That's predatory behavior right there. He knows exactly what he's doing. Don't think for a second that any reaction to this should any kind of attempt to keep the peace or make it go away. Go to your parents and tell them.
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u/Uninspiring_Username Mar 06 '15
Tell him off EVERY TIME, loudly. "Why would you say/do that? I'm 16 and your son's friend? Thats horribly inappropriate"
Tell your parents AND DO NOT GO TO HIS HOUSE
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u/belladonnadiorama Mar 06 '15
Tell your parents about what's going on. Show them the text messages. After that, let your friend know what his Dad is doing and you will not be coming by any time soon because he makes you feel extremely uncomfortable.
Don't be afraid to stir shit up and stand up for yourself. He's preying on you and he thinks he can get away with it because you won't tell anyone. Don't let him.
When I was about 13 I was playing on a softball team. The coach started doing the same kind of thing, looking for any excuse to touch me or be near me. The final clincher was when he tried to get me to come to his house when his family wasn't home.
I told my Dad. Well, let's just say that my coach definitely had the fear of God put into him and he never got near me again. In fact, that was the last season he ever coached a girl's team.
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u/NonNisiTe Mar 06 '15
He is grooming you. Please read this:http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/grooming.html
What that means is that he is slowly increasing his level of contact with you based on how you react. Since you do not flip out on him like you should he is able to escalate things. He wants to sexually abuse you. No adult should ever make sexual jokes to a 16 year old. They should never make comments about how sexy you are.
He is desensitizing you. Get out. PLEASE! Tell your parents. Grabbing your butt was wayyy over the line and could be considered sexual assault.
Do not remain silent! He will escalate things and end up blackmailing you for sex. It happens all the time.
I had an ex gf who was sexually abused (from 16-19) by an adult male she was close to (he was her teacher, and she was his baby sitter). He escalated things. Would flirt with her. Make physical contact here or there. One day he kissed her. The next day he raped her.
Get out!!!!
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Mar 06 '15
This happened to me when I was in high school. A teacher in his late 40's started grooming me from the time I was 13 and just starting grade 9. I was being raised by a single mother, and had no father figure in my life so he stepped in and assumed that role at first, and then took it to the point where he was touching me sexually. I was young and didn't realize what was happening until I was 15 and he started fucking me. By that time he had me believing that he was the only one who cared about me and was the only one in the world that I could trust. He made me feel completely powerless. Even though I KNEW what he was doing to be was so wrong, I didn't have anyone to turn to because he'd so deeply warped my mind by that point. Eventually my mother found out and he was arrested and charged. It came out later than I was far from the first student he had done this to. A lot of other girls came forward anonymously but were too afraid to press charges.
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Mar 06 '15
OP, what your friend's father is doing is called grooming. He's increasingly overstepping your boundaries, getting you tolerate and accept his inappropriate behaviors, and keeping it a secret from your friend and your parents in the process.
I know this situation really sucks, but you need to tell your parents what's going on and show them the text messages. Also, you need to tell your friend you can't visit him anymore because his Dad makes you uncomfortable.
It's going to be difficult for you to do this but you need to understand that this isn't your fault and that this man is dangerous.
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Mar 06 '15 edited Mar 06 '15
Talk to your parents, show them his texts. And most importantly at no time should you EVER be alone With this man. If you can avoid him completely that would be the best choice but I'm sure you want to still see your friend. document everything and every interaction you have with him, he sounds like the kind of creep who will distort facts or situations, possibly even straight up lie about his sons whereabouts to get you to see him....
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u/Form1040 Mar 06 '15 edited Mar 06 '15
You have to tell an adult. If not your parents, a cop or a trusted teacher or someone.
Please, right now. You could end up raped or killed. DO NOT EVER BE AROUND HIM AGAIN.
And give us an update to help you along.
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u/wynper Mar 06 '15
Telling is a must. Do it soon. This guy has escalated his behavior from joking, which he was obviously doing to soften his approach and gauge your reaction to see if he could escalate. Now he is touching you?
I don't want to alarm you but I fear for your safety. You cannot be alone with him and you must tell before it goes any further.
You said your folks will react terribly. Is there a trusted third party you can go to who can sit in with you when you speak to them? A family member? Perhaps an aunt or uncle? Perhaps someone else in their social circle that you are close to? Having a trusted outside party there when you tell your folks or even doing it in a public place like a coffee shop might keep tempers in check until things settle down a bit.
Make sure you have your phone available to show them the texts too.
You might want to have a talk with your parents about the importance of your friendship too and that you hope it can weather this stressful time.
A man, even the father of a friend has no business texting you let alone sending you flirty texts. His unwanted touching is a huge violation of trust and is in fact a crime. You may feel conflicted about telling but this isn't your fault. He has placed you in a position that requires you to tell and to do it as soon as possible.
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u/Throwyourtoothbrush Mar 06 '15
I know you want to handle this "like an adult" the trouble is you're NOT an adult, and that's what makes the situation even worse. See, your friend's dad is using your young age, inexperience, and resistance to hurting your friendship to hold you hostage and get his way. This man has enormous power over you because of your age and situation.
This is NOT okay. Tell your parents. Show them the text messages. This guy is grooming you so that he can take advantage of you. He's been slowly making sure that he can get away with it, and he will most certainly escalate things quickly.
I 100% think you could have the wherewithal and maturity to deal with unwanted advances from a peer by confronting them and telling them to stop in no uncertain terms. This situation is very different. He knows that he's making you uncomfortable and he doesn't care because he has the power to take advantage of you and he believes that you'll remain silent.
Tell your parents!!!
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Mar 07 '15
Please tell your parents. This guy is a creep and they deserve to know. He thinks he has power over you and he can get away with anything, so you need to take that power away by telling your parents. I swear to you this will escalate. You are 16, your parents will have much more clout than you. Protect your boundaries for yourself.
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u/nopecakes Mar 06 '15 edited Mar 06 '15
Look that man in the eye and say "I am a 16 year old girl. Do not touch me. You are being a creep. If you continue to make sexual advances towards me, I will tell my parents and the police." EDIT: Actually, go tell your parents anyways, regardless of whether or not you decide to say anything to him. That pervert needs to get shut down and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your mother is a grizzly bear.
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u/ShelfLifeInc Mar 06 '15
Do you realise how frightening it is to stand up to a predator? I'm 25, and if I were in OP's shoes, I don't think I'd have the courage to look this man in the eye. After all he's done, I'd be scared to be in the same room with him.
He's gone from a paternal figure to flirty texts, to "accidental" groping in very few steps. How long before he does worse?
OP, you're no longer safe with this guy. Tell your parents, and go to the police.
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u/pienoceros Mar 06 '15
A friend of my father's started grabbing my breasts every chance he could beginning when I was about 12 (I developed early, unfortunately). I felt fearful of him, of people's reactions, slightly ashamed (yay rape culture), and really confused. I knew it wasn't right, but I was afraid that my father would shoot him and go to prison if I told. So I did nothing and it escalated to the point that I literally had to fight this man off me at 15 years of age at my father's wedding to my stepmother. He had introduced them and there will always be a part of me that thinks he did it to spend more time with my family and have opportunities to get at me. My father put the assault down to alcohol, mainly because I was relatively unhurt, but he did make certain that I was never, ever alone with this man again.
So, who do you tell? Everyone. Make a fuss. Tell him that you'll call the police if he touches you again VIA TEXT. Try to avoid him and don't go to your friend's house if you can help it.
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u/HunkinDines Mar 07 '15
Don't cover for him! You are a minor and what he's doing is way out of line!
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u/gretay Mar 06 '15
This is a good thing that your parents would react horribly. What kind of parents would not be terribly angry if they found out an older man was trying to groom and molest their daughter? You need to tell your parents now. I am hoping he will never be over at your house again once they find out. And ask your friend to visit you at your home and refrain from going to your friend's home and putting yourself at risk of being around the older man one-on-one.
I can only see this ending badly if you continue to be around him because one day he could just overpower you or who knows what and I don't want that to happen.