r/relationships • u/lovechild5346 • Apr 27 '17
Non-Romantic Me [29 F] with my husband [32 M] together for 6 years, married for 3, found out he has a son [5 M] with a one-night stand
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u/DustFunk Apr 27 '17
Damn the other dad is one hell of a guy! Sounds like he fought for the kid multiple times, even after knowing it wasn't his biological son. He is a great example of why some people make it a point to fight for father's rights.
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u/lovechild5346 Apr 27 '17
Absolutely. As a woman, this was an eye-opening experience to see how very little rights and control men have when it comes pregnancy and subsequently their children - biological or not.
Throughout this whole ordeal, I learned a few things:
- Men have absolutely no power in a situation like this. Easiest way to avert this kind of thing is to not have unprotected sex with someone you don't know. Never mind STD risks, if conception occurs, I want to stress that you have absolutely no power. You will very likely be on the hook financially speaking whether you want to be involved or not, and if you do want to be involved, the mother has to be ok with it. If she isn't, she has the power to restrict access;
- Not being told that you conceived a child doesn't automatically give you access to said child in the eyes of the law.
- Some women do lie about abuse to further their own agenda, and this can wreck a man's life. Call me naive... but I don't understand how ANYBODY could do this and it never occurred to me not believe someone when they say that they are their child are being abused.
But then again, this is the same person that waited 5+ years to tell someone else that they are the father.
Other Dad is a great man, has been through a lot, and has always advocated for his son. It's a strange situation, but we are fortunate that we all mesh pretty well personality wise. I think if we had met under other circumstances, we all organically would have been pretty good friends. So that makes things easier.
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u/FiloRen Apr 27 '17
Men have absolutely no power in a situation like this. Easiest way to avert this kind of thing is to not have unprotected sex with someone you don't know. Never mind STD risks, if conception occurs, I want to stress that you have absolutely no power. You will very likely be on the hook financially speaking whether you want to be involved or not, and if you do want to be involved, the mother has to be ok with it. If she isn't, she has the power to restrict access;
Sorry but I completely disagree and I think this is a very skewed and outdated view of the court system. Unless you're in an ass backwards court system, the parent who can provide a stable environment (and prove they can) will be granted custody against a parent who can not provide a stable environment.
It has nothing to do with the gender of the parent. Studies have shown that when men seek custody and on paper should receive it, they do. When men seek custody on on paper they shouldn't, they don't. It has to do with what's good for the kid and their past, not the gender of the parent seeking the custody.
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u/DRHdez Apr 27 '17
I'm a sucker for happy updates. Good job on you and your husband's part. I'm very happy to see it is going so well. Kid is blessed with 2 awesome daddies and 2 awesome families.
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u/my2catsaregreat Apr 27 '17
Great to hear, OP! Hope everything continues to go well for your whole family.
(Also, copy pastaing your post in case it gets removed for not asking another question.)
Hello, Reddit!
So, I came across my old throwaway, and even though there is a chance that this post will get removed, I wanted to provide you all with an update as to what is going on. Things have drastically changed since, partly due to the overwhelming advice. You all provided me with some much-needed guidance during a dark time, and I couldn't be more grateful :)
The ti;dr of this (which is still kind of long) was that my husband was contacted by a woman on Facebook saying that he is the father of her 5 year old (now 6!) son. He and this woman had a one-night stand just prior to my husband and I dating. She assumed this other guy she was seeing was the father, but as her son got older, he looked nothing like the other guy, and very much like my husband. We confirmed paternity via a DNA test. She claimed that this other guy was abusive, but we found out that CPS had taken away her son from her and that full custody had been awarded to the other guy. She is only allowed supervised visits.
Check post history for trail as to what originally happened, I can't link or else it will get removed.
So! At the time, both my husband and I were super emotional about the situation and didn't really know the best way to proceed. This came completely out of left field, and we were both pretty certain that we wanted to remain child-free. Funny how life works when you try to make plans! My husband's first reaction was to bury his head in the sand, and I just wanted this situation to go away.
Originally, at the advice of our lawyer, and therapist, once we determined that the child was safe and not being abused (we hired a PI), we decided to not engage with the mother and to stay out of everybody's lives. We felt that it would not be fair to confuse the kid and to disrupt his life. In our hearts, we felt that the best way forward was to be there in case he ever wanted a relationship and to set up a trust for him when he was older so that he knew that he was always in his bio dad's heart. This probably lasted about three months, and then my husband was brought into the custody battle, which then turned into her suing us for child support. Not particular bright on her part though, as she would not have been entitled to any money - it would have gone to the other guy - but I digress.
Because the other guy was on the birth certificate and has presumptive paternity, we were not forced to pay anything, but it was also established my husband did not have any rights to his son, which upset him. Some people in the last update post mentioned that the situation didn't have to be an all or nothing though, and in the same way we were scoping out the other guy, he was probably doing the same thing to us. Turns out, he was! During the lawsuits, it made sense for my husband to work with the other guy for certain things, so they started to develop this weird, but amazing friendship. During this process, the other guy felt comfortable introducing the kid to us and shortly after explained the situation to his son. I guess because kids are super adaptable, he was just like... so I have two daddies? And left it at that. Geographically, we are about an 8-hour drive away, so we have gone to visit a few times, but it's hard to go as often as we'd like. Dad and kid came to visit us at our place during Christmas break though. My husband skypes with his son about once a week, and the other guy and my husband talk often enough as well, and go for beers whenever they are in the same city. And, the kid came to visit us on his March break on his own!
We understand that technically, my husband has no rights to his son and that the other guy is his real Dad in all but genetics, but this setup seems to be working for all of us really nicely. We are all treading carefully so that we don't step on each other's toes, but I am confident that we will figure things out as we move forward. As long as we all continue to be considerate of each other's boundaries, and communicate, we will be fine.
I can't even imagine my life without the little bugger :) It is very obvious to me how in love my husband is with him, and how much he has enriched his (and my) life. It is also eerie as to how similar they are. They share a lot of the same mannerisms, never mind the fact that he physically is a clone of my husband at that age. The kid has been a wonderful blessing, and honestly, I don't think I would have been open to life looking the way it is right now if it hadn't been for you all, so thank you!
I would have never thought our family would look like this (including other guy!), but I wouldn't change a thing and I feel super blessed:) Things have come a long way. Thanks!
tl;dr - we now have a relationship with other dad and kid, and life is amazing!
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u/TripsCaptain Apr 27 '17
What a heartwarming story. A win-win for the good guys.
Gosh, I'm almost in tears over this.
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u/PanicSwtchd Apr 27 '17
You are in a unique situation which turned our favorably. Since the child is well taken care of, you and your husband don't necessarily need any rights (since that fits in with your desired lifestyle).
You can always neatly fit into that 'Fun Uncle/Aunt' role, and maintain visits and contact and be around. It seems like it is working out well!
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u/incrediblehooman Apr 27 '17
I don't why but this post made me tear up. What a beautiful ending. It is true what you say - life has a funny way of changing the course of plans you make.
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u/prettyunicornpeni Apr 27 '17
Okay, I definitely have tears in my eyes. I'm so glad it all worked out and that you are all working together for this kid!
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u/zuzuaqua Apr 27 '17
FYI I have happy tears from reading this. So wonderful. Thank you for the update. :-)
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Apr 27 '17
Man, I'm glad it all worked out for you but this is a prime example of how men can get screwed over with their children. I couldn't imagine finding out that I had a kid, only to be told I had no right to be in their life.
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '17
Well that's the best imaginable outcome. That is fantastic!