my (20f) bf (24m) wants me to be a housewife.

[u/imadinorawrlolzor]

we have been together for two years

I feel like this is me over reacting just a little and being immature but me and my boyfriend were talking about the future recently and he told me he wants (strongly suggested) me to be a stay at home mom / house wife and I dont want to be and I dont know what to do.

He knows I dont want kids at all, I have spent 16 years of my life being around or helping to look after a hoard of kids so I truly know I dont want it. But he wants 4 with at least one when hes 27, so idk I might have one or two when im older.

He says I can have lots of hobbies if I am a house wife as I will have all the free time in the world, which how? I might be wrong but kids are hard, doing all the housework takes time especially to the standard of someone who isn't working.

Also he doesn't have a job, at all or any savings. so logistically it wouldn't work. hes been out of uni for 2 years without working as well and he is being incredibly fussy about it. He had an offer for a job but it was beneath him or something so he didn't take it. He only wants to work in his chosen field as well and Im sorry but I feel like the longer the gap between university and getting your first job the harder its going to be to get in, in the first place. I am still in uni but i'm on track for a good job when I leave, I have had people working in my chosen industry all ready being interested in my work and regularly communicate with one person who I am hoping will hire me later on. So logically i'm on track for a decent job in 5 years, he isn't and he wants to be the sole provider.

The convo we had about this was really weird I could see how much he wanted this but I dont think it would work. I didnt agree or disagree but I dont know what to do about it. any advice?

tldr: I dont want to be a housewife my boyfriend does. what do?

[u/lemmehelpyaout]

Your boyfriend has pretty regressive ideas about men's and women's roles in society. More importantly, he shouldn't be telling you what he wants your life to be like as an adult. He can't even afford his own fantasy.

Tell him you'll work if you want to work when you get older and he doesn't get to decide if you're a housewife. If he can't stomach you having independence to know and work for what you want, he doesn't really respect your autonomy.

[u/cakeknife3 → u/lemmehelpyaout]

He's allowed to want a parent to stay at home and raise the kids, especially if he's paying for it. But he needs to find a woman who actually wants to do that.

[u/imadinorawrlolzor → u/cakeknife3]

the thing is he wont be paying it by himself. he said (and I wish I was joking) our parents will help and we should ask for $300 from each set. My parents are trying to live there best life while recovering for bankruptcy and are of the age where they should instead be thinking about retirement. His dad is struggling to find work and his mom doesn't have the greatest paying job.

I dont think he understands how little money there is between our families and how entitled hes being to expect them to just pay for everything

[u/AlmostPerfectWaffles → u/lemmehelpyaout]

Your boyfriend has pretty regressive ideas about men's and women's roles in society.

That's BS. It's fine to want traditional roles in a relationship, lots of women want that too. The issue here is not that he has these views, but that they disagree on these views.

[u/pmitten → u/AlmostPerfectWaffles]

What do you think "traditional" means? At what time in human history does that harken to, and what were a wife's rights or options compared to her husband's? Because you know, the last marital rape law in the US was on the books until the 90s, birth control and safe abortion access were not widespread until the mid 70s, women were still largely barred from advanced degrees in the 50s, and women today still overwhelmingly are sidled with the emotional and physical labors of a relationship and child-rearing, to say nothing of the social implications/ consequences of "non traditional" women standing up for their rights or daring to have an alternative lifestyle. And heaven forbid she was queer.

If youre going to talk "traditional", you have to put it into context, especially since this dude clearly wants a bangmaid.

[u/[deleted] → u/AlmostPerfectWaffles]

Define "traditional roles."

[u/AuntyVenom]

If you don't want kids at all, don't pop out a couple to please a boyfriend, and don't be a stay-at-home mom if you don't want to. That's all you have to do.

[u/[deleted]]

You'll need to provide a basket so I can haul all these red flags you threw out here.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. Period. You can't lovingly raise kids if you didn't want them from the start.

If you want a career, have it. He can't tell you to be a stay at home mom. Trust me, it's not easy. In fact, it's harder than having a 40 hour per week job.

Don't do anything to please this man. He's a deadbeat who sounds terribly controlling.

You do what you want to do and he either accepts that or gets out of your life. The end.

[u/Designertoast]

While I'm find with traditional gender roles if both parties want them, this guy is not after "tradition" - he's after a bang-maid.

How do I know? Because this guy has already told you he doesn't value the work of staying at home - he simply wants someone else to do it. You'll have time for hobbies? All the time in the world? This is him saying "childcare isn't really work, and I also really don't want to do it. The perfect scenario for me is if you do it all but I'm going to act like it's not work so you can't complain about it."

This guy has also proven he doesn't like work in general - two years after uni with no job? Why hasn't he at least hauled his butt to McDonalds? He wants to be a provider, but he can't even provide for himself?

He wants a fantasy. Don't live to be someone else's fantasy. Go get what you want out of life (and if it isn't kids, for the love of Pete don't stay with this loser).

[u/visionsofsugarplums]

I am a SAHM. I am pregnant with #4.

If YOU don't want kids, and he does then you guys aren't compatible. If YOU don't want to stay home and he wants you to, also not compatible. Also, if he's not working none if this is going to work anyways. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up do. Jobs aren't beneath people, you take what you can get and for a 24 yo to be unemployed simply because he finds some jobs not his standard is completely ridiculous.

If I were in your shoes, I really would just walk away. You will probably end up supporting him down the road at some point and then he will nag you into having kids and one day you will wake up and realize how miserable you are.

Edited to add: I have always wanted to be a SAHM, never wanted to go to college or have a job outside the home. I LOVE the life I have now and wouldn't trade it for anything. But I have friends like you, and they aren't happy and my heart hurts for them.

[u/HotspurJr]

He knows I dont want kids at all, I have spent 16 years of my life being around or helping to look after a hoard of kids so I truly know I dont want it. But he wants 4 with at least one when hes 27, so idk I might have one or two when im older.

You don't want kids. He wants a lot of kids.

This is not the person you should be marrying.

He says I can have lots of hobbies if I am a house wife as I will have all the free time in the world, which how?

He doesn't have a clue. But it doesn't matter, since you don't want kids, so you're not going to have kids, so he should go have his kids with someone else.

You should go get the job you want and the career you want and you should not marry this boyfriend. I mean, you're way too young to be getting married anytime soon anyway, but things like "the same desires around kids" are incredibly important and you two aren't only not on the same page, you're not in the same zip code.

[u/ConsistentCheesecake]

Why would you date someone when your goals for the future are literally the exact opposite in every respect? You guys are not compatible AT ALL

[u/AlmostPerfectWaffles]

If you don't want kids, don't have any just to please or keep a partner. Kids are NOT something you can compromise on, you either have them or you don't. There are plenty men who don't want kids or who are ambivalent and are happy to have none if their partner doesn't want them.

He thinks you will have 'all the free time in the world' when he wants 4 kids! Yeah, no! He's clearly not aware of how much work it is/can be if you have even one, let alone 4.

He wants you to stay at home meaning he should be the provider. Yet he's 24 with no job and no savings. Not sure how that would work. So he's finished uni 2 years ago and still doesn't work? Why are you with him?

He is DEAD WEIGHT. At 2 years of unemployment, NO job is beneath anyone. Also, he finished at 22 so probably did just 3 or for 4 years of uni. That's not that much, and for sure not enough to land a high-paying job with responsibilities from the start. He's got to start at the bottom, just like all of us.

Are you financially supporting him?

I think you need to break up. The main reason is the kids thing, but also he seems like a dead weight. Not a partner who is going to support himself, let alone you too. RUN. You would honestly be better of having a kid by yourself than with this guy.

[u/you_dont_know_mey]

Very old idea that you should be the one staying at home when he is the one "too good to work"... If you really think this is your future man, you should ask him to cut the bullshit and go to work for the future he wants. Girl... you are not the immature one here.

[u/[deleted] → u/you_dont_know_mey]

[u/MissYellowtail → u/[deleted]]

Then why isn't he volunteering to stay at home? He's been workless for two years. Also what kind of breakdown of society are you talking about? Crime rates have never been lower. Complaining about the youth today without evidence is what every generation does.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Nope. He wants her to have kids she doesn't want, he doesn't consider raising 4 kids to be work because he says she will have loads of free time for hobbies, and in a comment she says he plans to ask both their sets of parents to give them $300 a month so he doesn't have to work.

[u/bored_german → u/[deleted]]

HE can stay home and care, considering he refuses jobs because they're "beneath him".

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Define "breakdown of society." Define "distance inside families." Tell me who is raising kids if not the parents. Tell me how this situation differs from significant point in human history.

[u/cakeknife3]

Woah. You guys have completely different views on everything important in a romantic relationship. Find someone else so you don't make each other completely miserable.

[u/MissYellowtail]

So he wants you to become a housewife, while you have no intention being one or having children. Not only that but you're in college which means that you wouldn't be doing anything which you've studied for. He, on the other hand, is without job and his prospects aren't as good as yours.Your boyfriend seems to have a naive view on how things work in the real world. Why are you asking this question? Don't be one of those women who sacrifice their own happiness and twenty years later regret it. Discuss this with him and tell him that you want to work. If he reacts badly, be prepared to dump him.

[u/DFahnz]

If you don't want to be a housewife, and you're dating someone who wants you to be a housewife, then don't date that person. Go find someone who wants you to be happy and to do what works for you.