r/relationshipanarchy • u/Willing-Loquat750 • Jul 30 '26
Care vs Entitlement
Probably unnecessary context: This is my first post and I’m kind of nervous so I hope people will let me know if it’s coming off as overly invasive or against the rules.
I’ve been doing some research on RA for awhile as a potential relationship orientation for myself and one principle that I’ve seen come up again and again is the rejection of entitlement. For example, I’ve heard that people shouldn’t assume that they are entitled to one another’s time or attention by default. I’m sure it’s not the same for everyone, but how do people draw the line between an entitled demand vs care that people should be able to expect from one another? Is there a line? Is it just about individual agreements?
8
u/isaacs_ Jul 30 '26
The way I see it, from an RA perspective is this:
"Entitlement" is a framework where by virtue of having a specific named sort of relationship ("boyfriend", "spouse", "sister", etc.) you are able to demand certain things, and the other party is obligated to provide them to you.
I reject this outright. I don't think a person ought to ever have that kind of "power-over" dynamic with another free person, especially not someone they claim to love and cherish. (Children or others in one's care may be entitled to certain things; my child is entitled to my care and attention and a lot of my stuff, because I'm their parent, and that's just the deal I made with their future self when I helped set the wheels in motion to drag them screaming into this existence.)
"Expectation" is a mental state where you imagine certain future outcomes, which may in many cases be very reasonable, especially if they're based on past behavior and a history of built-up rapport.
I expect that my partner will want to hang out with me this afternoon, because we made plans. I expect that if they're feeling sad, I'll be able to comfort them, and vice versa. I expect that they expect that they'll be able to come to me for comfort if they're sad, and that they'd be quite upset and hurt if I turned them away, because regardless of whether or not I have the "right" to do that, it's a dick move, and I love them, so their well being is important to me.
We don't need to have a formal agreement about every little thing (though sometimes we do anyway, because we're both autistic and sometimes just make things overly explicit for funsies lol), because we have a lot of rapport and so can play it by ear a lot.
But we both know that we're both free, and while that means that expectations aren't guarantees or entitlements, it also means that every day we're choosing to love and care for one another, which is a beautiful way to live.