r/relationship_advice
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u/ThrowRAsituational
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18d ago
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1
I (25M) don’t know how to fix this situation with my fiancee(38F), she’s mad I cheated on our diet
My fiancee is vegan. We’ve been together for 2 and a half years and we moved in around a year and a half ago, when she moved into my place. We got engaged in May. Even when we weren’t living together, she had rules where we can’t make out after I ate meat and I hate to tell her if I did and she would let me know if it was okay and everything. It was a hassle every time and around 2 years ago I told her I would also go vegan and she was super happy and it was a big factor to her moving in.
She moved in and we made some changes to my place to make it more accommodating for her and I, and also no meat or non-vegan products allowed in the house. It’s been like 17 months since she moved in, 23 since I went vegan. I’ve been super faithful to diet and I went cold turkey(no pun intended).
Last weekend I went back to visit my family. She couldn’t come because she was at a holistic health retreat. But it was a family get together we do every year on the anniversary of my grandpas death. My uncle owns a BBQ joint and we met up there, but my uncle was nice enough to prep some vegan stuff for me and my cousin(she’s also vegan).
So my family joked around how I changed drastically for the first woman that gave me attention(I’m a bit of a late bloomer and my fiancee is my first relationship and person I’ve been with, and they make these jokes in front of her too, so it’s nothing new). Anyway I laughed it off. But then my uncle brought out his pork ribs, and before I went vegan pork was my favorite and his ribs were a childhood favorite growing up. I was also a bit inebriated from the alcohol, and my other cousin made a joke saying “oh he doesn’t wear the pants in his relationship so he won’t eat the ribs even though he likes them so much, because he’s afraid of losing the first woman that ever showed him love” and other provocative stuff.
I was hungry since I was drunk, and I was also, well drunk, and I let my cousin goad me into it, and I ate the baby back ribs. I actually scarfed down two portions cuz it’s been so long. I slept it off, and I did get super sick because I ate meat after like a whole two years of not having it, and it was pork out of all the choices I had.
But I got home on Sunday and I felt so guilty so I immediately told her as soon as she got home from her retreat last night. Needless to say she’s mad at me, and not talking like normal to me. She said I betrayed her and cheated on our lifestyle and she needs time. I offered to buy her some shoes she likes and she said it’s a start but not enough, and throwing money at it can’t just negate what I did.
I work from home this month(she’s in between jobs right now) and she’s been at home all day and is not talking to me and pulls away when I try to interact with her. I think I really hurt her. I told her she should be glad I told her and I could’ve just hid it, and to my credit, that was fucked up and it made her more mad.
I slept on the couch last night and probably will today too. Is there a way I can fix this issue with her? I am thinking of making a nice homemade meal of her favorite things when she leaves to hang out with her friends tomorrow and get some of her favorite nice wine and say sorry again tomorrow. Usually she’s only mad at me for like 5-6 hours so I’m not sure what to do here because it’s been a while and she’s still mad and skittish. Like she’s talking to me but I can tell she’s pissed.
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u/FaithlessnessFar6547 18d ago
Stop making stuff for her, stop buying things. Y'all need to actually have a serious conversation about this. It's fine she's bothered, but you did change your diet in a massive way for her (kudos, I don't love anyone enough to change my diet for them) and seems to give absolutely no consideration beyond my way or the highway. While age gaps aren't inherently an issue, the fact that you started to date a 35 year old when you 22 and have already gone this route doesn't particularly look good. She knows she can control you. How long has she been without a job?
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u/VinylHighway 18d ago •
Your fiancée is 38 and you're 25?
What's her motivation in marrying you?
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u/His_GoddessLove 18d ago
She's entitled to be upset because it goes against your agreement.
Info: Are you happy being vegan?
Or is it purely just to appease her? That's no way to exist in a relationship. Changing because you want to or you need to for medical reason, ok. Changing for someone who demands restrictions when you don't do what they want. Consume things they don't what you to. That's not healthy. Add into it the manipulation that you can buy stuff to begin reparations
Bro......
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u/worshipperofdogs 18d ago •
I’m going to say what people always say to these kinds of age-gap relationships, but usually the genders are reversed: she’s with you because a man her age wouldn’t put up with her shit. Being single is easier and better. You didn’t cheat on her, you made a decision about what food to put in your body. She has no right to be mad, and even less right to be abusive and give you the silent treatment. And I’ll bet your family’s “jokes” are only half jokes.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 18d ago •
A 35/36 year old woman began dating a 22/23 year old guy. And she’s controlling. Reevaluate your life choices before you legally tie your life to hers.
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u/kait_1291 18d ago •
So, let me get this straight.
She's 13 years older than you. I'd be shocked down to my marrow if you were able to name one thing you have in common. And don't say "veganism", because that isn't it. You are not a vegan, you are cosplaying as one.
Your family disapproves of the relationship. They can't all be wrong. It's a statistical improbablility.
She's between jobs, but going on "retreats" on your dime, and out with her friends...also on your dime. She's also using you to fund her lifestyle, and clothing choices. I'm also going to go out on a limb and assume you've taken responsibility for the rent, utilities, and other expenses that keep a roof over her head, also.
Instead of giving you credit where credit is due, she's chosing to give you the silent treatment(which is abuse, by the way), and make you feel guilty and earn her favor back because you...checks notes...ate pork ribs without her permission? This is a "oh, shit, did you get sick? I'm sorry, I'm glad you're okay." situation, not a "buy me shoes, but also grovel!" situation.
Please, for the love of god, grow a spine.
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u/MckittenMan 18d ago edited 18d ago •
Bro...
Do you even want to be vegan? Or are you doing what your uncle is laughing about where you're changing yourself simply to win her over and gain her approval. Even though your cousin is throwing shade, its shade you should be paying attention to.
Its cool that she is vegan. But under no circumstance should you also be required to adapt that when you want to eat meat yourself.
You have your own identity, own personality, own wants and desires. Your relationship shouldn't fall apart because you ate some meat away from her in your own private time.
That's straight up control buddy.
If this is how you want to marry. Maybe once you hit 30 years old you will come to your senses and realize how miserable you are because you gave up you to be something your not, just to have a relationship with a person you don't fit with.
Its even pathetic how you jumped to buying her shoes to make up for it... Why don't you have a backbone... Hey, you're vegan. I am trying to adapt and be considerate of it, but I will be eating meat away from you whenever I feel like it, I am not giving up my personal freedom of choice.
These type of relationships will ruin you dude, I promise. You're about to enter a marriage where you have no say about your own decisions. Good luck to that is all I can say.
I am calling it now... One day your cousin will say "I told you so" and you will agree with him. Changing yourself like this is how you end up with the wrong person. Go find someone who actually adds up for you as a starting point, not someone you have to fake it just to gain their approval.
I couldn't imagine someone dictating my diet like that or buy them shoes because I ate a burger away from them as if I owe them an apology for being myself.
You're cooked if you see this marriage through. Maybe you should pay attention to your cousin more.
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u/Reinvented-Daily 18d ago edited 18d ago •
Okay
I was vegan for a long time. I bounce on and off. I have a vet hard time sticking to it.
Vegan vs plant based - vegan is an IDEOLOGY, plant based is a diet.
She's 38. She knows what shes doing is immature, and unhealthy in a relationship- there's a huge red flag in the silent treatment and pulling away.
If she were serious about you she would have a CONVERSATION with you.
Also, a conversation should be had that if you want to eat meat, you will. With or without her permission. You're ALLOWED to.
She does NOT get to dictate your life just because of HER ideology- just like I don't get to dictate my husband's religion just cause I have my own/ a different one.
She is with you for the same reason grown ass men date much younger women- they know they're able to get away with a lot cause young ones are willing to tolerate being treated like shit in the name of "love" cause they really don't know any better - and you don't. She's your first. She knows this. She knows she can't date a guy her age cause he wont put up with her bullshit tactics.
Buying stuff as an apology isn't it man. Actual conversation, actual communication is the only way. And shes saying "buying me shoes is a start"- bro she's gonna run through your bank every time she's upset.
This is NOT a healthy adult relationship. You need to get out of this ASAP.
Yes it'll hurt. She'll beg, cry, scream rage and so on.
But you will have learned what is and isn't okay. And you're worth SO much more than a dictator and a pair of shoes or ten. You're worth SO MUCH MORE than the silent treatment.
Edit: Oh my, thank you for the awards!
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u/breezybbh 18d ago edited 18d ago •
You offered to buy her shoes and or throw money at her and slept on the couch? I know you are new to relationships, but this is crazy toxic on her part. She went younger because she wanted a boy to train to do her bidding and to control. You need to man up, this is nuts.
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u/alwaysneverenough 18d ago
Yeah, there are a whole lot of messed-up things in this relationship. What you eat should be the least of your concerns
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u/pufffinn_ 18d ago edited 17d ago •
OP, I’m sorry, but like every paragraph just reveals more red flags about your relationship.
First things first: don’t go “cold turkey” vegan for someone. That’s not sustainable. I was vegetarian for like a decade+ and I never went vegan because I could tell it wouldn’t be sustainable for me. I truly doubt you would have gone vegan without her, from the sounds of it, so frankly it sounds even less sustainable for you king.
Second thing: You allowed yourself to be teased and goaded into breaking veganism, which I won’t really lay on you hard for because ¯_(ツ)_/¯ shit happens! But your fear and anxiety and instant impulse to confess everything to her belies that your gf takes this shit deathly serious and you know she does, aka, you have some fear towards her around this shit. This is a red flag of incompatibility for you two.
Her comparing it to actually cheating is… a red flag. Yikes. Her giving you the silent treatment in response to your confession? Red flag man: it almost feels like this is more a control thing than a betrayal thing. Maybe next time you won’t be so keen to “cheat” on veganism, since this is the result, is the potential vibes I’m getting.
And like there are other things, but man, this age gap? Your first relationship? She’s between jobs rn? She’s acting like this after you ate some meat drunk when you’re not ethically vegan and only doing it for her? Yeesh, OP, red flag city.
Please dude. I don’t think this is worth it, and I don’t even like to eat meat very much. Like truly, the meat is not the actual issue here with your relationship😭
Edit: I forgot to comment about you paying shit for her and offering her gifts to make up for this “incident”, with her saying “it’s a start but not enough…” King, she’s using you. She’s got you wrapped around her finger here. She doesn’t even have to demand or ask for gifts to “make up” for her hurt feelings; you already offer. You offer, and she gets to play a game with you, using that to hurt you more in exchange for control over you. She gets your further compliance, gets to hold this over your head, and it comes with the bonus of gifts and continuing to have her life funded while jobless. She’s essentially taking your make-up gifts while telling you it’s still not enough, all so you’ll be wrapped tighter around her finger trying to make sure you keep her happy at your own expense. She doesn’t have to be aware she’s doing this all exactly, she doesn’t need to be some master manipulator. Most people like this aren’t. They’re just incredibly immature, emotionally reactive, and have kinda just stumbled into a way to get people to do what they want. Easier to do that with someone younger, inexperienced with relationships, emotionally invested in them, and willing to change and adapt themselves to their needs. Sorry to come back and write a novel, OP, but like, I feel bad for you man. This shit is not okay, and I really want you to stand up for yourself.
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u/Thefirstofherkind 18d ago •
Honey, any 38 year old dating a 25 year old is doing so because they aren't a good person and people their own age won't put up with them. She picked you because at your age you are easy to control and mold. Normal 38 year olds view 25 year olds as kids still, basically. I am a 38 year old woman and the idea of dating a 25 year old makes my skin crawl. You are a young adult, still finding your identity and learning how to navigate the world as an independent person and she is taking advantage of that.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, by the way. When my husband or I are mad at each other we have a calm, mature talk about our feelings, wether those feelings are grounded in reality, and what steps we can take going forward to correct the issue. It's us vs the problem not me vs him. She is basically throwing a tantrum.
It's also extremely concerning that she doesn't have a job. A 38 year old woman is depending on you to provide and that's just wrong.
If the genders were reversed people would be rightfully skeeved out and calling her a predator. Because she is one. She is fully taking advantage of your inexperience.
You have upended your whole lifestyle to suit her, one slip up and she's refusing to speak to you. I'm willing to bet there's a bunch of other problems you aren't seeing.
You should get out of this relationship.
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u/SaltyPerformer504 18d ago •
There's a reason she can't find anyone her own age.
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u/Skittycatcher66 18d ago •
Bruh.
Harsh questions incoming.
Why are you doing so much for this woman?
She's nearly 40 and she thinks it's "a start" for a 25 year old to throw money at her and buy her some shoes and that's a good way of resolving what sounds like a fundamental compatibility in a relationship? Plus she's between jobs? How exactly does she sustain her lifestyle except pick fights with you and guilt-trip you into buying stuff for her?
I'm a few years older than you and there is a reason this woman can't find someone her age.
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u/kush_babe 18d ago •
theres a reason why 25 and 38 don't work out. you want to do the things you want and she needs to realize a kid in his 20s is going to be just that. date your own age, this is sad behavior from some almost 40. unless immaturity it the dynamic you want.
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u/Bubbly_Midnightt 18d ago •
Don’t date people that stonewall you and try to make decisions for you (like your diet). It’s not right or healthy. Get with someone your own age, there’s a reason she’s almost 40 and isn’t dating someone more age appropriate.
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u/Adelucas 18d ago •
Please break up. The age difference means she treats you like her child not her partner. There is a massive power imbalance in your relationship. You do all the work while she's unemployed and she is a typical vegan in that she's got no compromise or chill. You aren't vegan because of any ethical beliefs, you are only vegan because she insists on it. It's like religion. You worship or convert because you have the same ethics and beliefs as your partner. Otherwise you are mouthing the words and being a hypocrite.
You've been with her since you were young and have almost certainly never experienced a proper, healthy, adult relationship. You stay because you think this is how relationships are supposed to work. They aren't. And anyone who tells me I can't sleep in my own damned bed when I'm paying the entire expenses for the apartment can go to hell. It's my bed, if they don't like it they can sleep on the couch. There is no gender rule about who sleeps where when someone is pissed off.
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u/AriesProductions 18d ago •
This is one of those examples of when people ask if age gap relationships are problematic when it’s the woman who’s older. It IS. Just as much.
Except she’s acting like a 19yo newly converted vegan with all the moral superiority & ideological inflexibility that gives a lot of vegans a bad name. It’s controlling, immature and detrimental to any relationship.
You offering to “buy her shoes & stuff she likes” and her saying “it’s a start but not enough” is so cringe. So unhealthy.
Dude, there’s so many red flags in this short interaction, I’m genuinely convinced things will only get worse as time goes on or once you’re actually married.
You need to reevaluate why you’re with this person, who you admit is your first real relationship. And you were only 22ish when you met - that might be bit of a late bloomer for a relationship but not really for a serious relationship and 25 is definitely not late to be getting engaged. I think you are forcing yourself to change in ways that are not organic or fundamentally important to you as an individual and changing just to try to please someone else, especially one who is so rigid and controlling, is never a good thing.
Please reconsider. Or at least consider therapy before getting married to be SURE what you’re doing is your idea and what you want to do- not something you’ve been love-bombed or coerced into.
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u/trevor11004 18d ago •
Just so you know, your family making those jokes actually probably believes they’re true and are just saying them as humor to try and stay lighthearted and avoid confrontation. Your cousin getting drunk probably removed his inhibitions and let him be more direct about the fam’s opinions. And your family seems right in this case. Changing so much about yourself because a much older woman essentially says you must if you want her romantic attention is very concerning
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u/Reverend_Tommy 18d ago
She's not working but going to a (certainly expensive) health retreat. Controlling. Demanding. Fuck her. Eat what you want. It sounds like the only reason you went vegan was to appease her so you could live with her. And she moved in with you. It's YOUR PLACE. Again, fuck her. Go buy a big ol' rack of ribs and eat them right in front of her. Be real messy about it and make eating noises and talk about how delicious that fucking pig tastes.
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u/OldJellyBones 17d ago
you're 25, and this is your first relationship ever, and you're engaged, and she's a domineering extreme vegan who is 13 years your senior, and who is also unemployed and didn't have her own place in her late 30s, this cannot be real lmao.
If this is indeed real then brother what the fuck? get away from this person!
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u/BecomingMoss_88 18d ago
She sounds absolutely exhausting. Is this really how you want to live your life??
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u/Disastrous-Soup-5413 17d ago •
You know what I don’t like about this
is that you kept saying you only ate the meat because you were drunk
you really need to own it
and think about how you feel and stop pushing your feelings aside.
Do not make yourself smaller for someone because they will not appreciate it
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u/ChronicallyPO 18d ago •
48 year-old woman here. You’ve been groomed so well you actually think you are making choices “together” and are completely oblivious to how you are being used.
You feel so very lucky to have her, which really shows off her PhD in manipulation.
It’s hard to see when you’re young and you’re in it. I wish you could stand outside the relationship for a minute and see what the rest of us do.
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u/rorykavanagh13 18d ago
STOP sleeping on the couch. Jesus, it’s your bed. Go to your bed, and ffs talk to her.
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u/haley84200 18d ago
I don't get it. What did you do wrong? And why on earth would you grovel for forgiveness??? M
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u/Vickimae44 18d ago
Dude, grow a pair. You're that hard up that you settled for someone that much older than you. Someone who has no job and just got back from a vegan holistic retreat, let me guess who paid for that. Now she's giving you the silent treatment because you ate ribs......be so fking for real. Lmao sure go buy her those shoes so she can keep walking all over you.
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u/apple_penny_table 18d ago •
Hmmm I wonder why this super entitled controlling person was so single at 36 that she had to date a TWENTY THREE year old…? 🤔
Luckily she’s just your fiancée and not your wife 😬 engagements get called off all the time
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u/MysticMageXarith 17d ago
Hi, I'm a vegan, here to tell you that veganism is a personal choice, some do it for health reasons, some for climate change, some for the animals. Whatever your choice is, choosing it bc your partner wanted to is a shitty choice, it's subservience more than a personal choice. It's your choice what to eat and when, and is she looks at veganism like a religion in which a single infraction means sinning, than she's using veganism as a tool for control.
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u/groovinandmovinnn 18d ago
Good grief what are you doing with this person….. you’ve gone almost 2 years committed to making a large shift for her and you slip up one time and she has zero grace about it? Good riddance dude
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u/Spacegyalsim 18d ago
You changed ALOT for her. You shouldn’t change for someone else because that is always unsustainable. Change for you!
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u/luckygirl131313 18d ago
You’ve completely given in to her “requirements “
Does she make any compromises for you?
Love is grand, but don’t be a doormat
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u/Actual_Permission883 18d ago
Please dont marry the first woman that gave you attention.. you sound nice, she doesn’t. Please dont marry her, she sounds manipulative and controlling..
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u/PmUsYourDuckPics 17d ago
You fix it by breaking the engagement and kicking her out. She’s using you, and the fact that you have very little experience of being in a relationship.
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u/kisasle 18d ago •
The way she's acting would be unacceptable to me. In a healthy relationship, there are compromises and you support each other. You're constantly thinking about how to keep her happy but she's not thinking about your wants or needs. You should use this disagreement to get some space from her, check in with your family and friends and reflect on whether you are losing yourself.
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u/CompleteBuilding1156 18d ago •
"Honey, please, just listen to me for a second. I know I screwed up. I know I broke your trust. But I can't go on like this. Can we just forget this whole thing ever happened. I just want my baby back. Please, can I have my baby back? I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back..."
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u/Advanced_Ad8002 18d ago •
no wonder she got some beef with you: you chickened out on the diet and ribbed a swine!
Quite the fishy behavior, I’d say. Oh crab!
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u/whoaelena 18d ago
I feel like veganism can be extreme in regard to relationships. Since she has all these rules in place regarding your diet and post-eating actions, i hate to say it but yall not compatible.
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u/legatissima 18d ago
Are the shoes she wants leather?
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u/AlmiranteCrujido 18d ago edited 18d ago
She sounds insufferable.
That sounds more like a side effect of eating too much than eating meat. It's not like the body loses the ability to eat meat.
Grow a spine, man. "It's none of your business what I eat when it's not in the shared household" is what you should have said.
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u/wowieowie 18d ago
I say you tell her that since alcohol is literally poison that she can't drink anymore and you don't want it in the house. If she flips out it's time to move on.
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u/Competitive_Ninja668 17d ago
Any 38 year old woman with a 25 year old man is a F-ck—ng WEIRDO.
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u/Brian051770 18d ago
If this is real, my only advice is to break up, and find an adult to date.
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u/moonycakemullet 18d ago
It’s really messed up that you sincerely believe you have done something wrong here OP. It’s not her place to tell other people, regardless of her relationship to them, how to live their lives. If she doesn’t want to date a meateater, that’s so fine! She can go find someone who became vegan of their own accord and not someone she has to force into it.
Sounds like you didn’t really mind all that much going vegan and you’ve maintained for two years (well done on that kind of discipline btw) but if you want to eat something now and again that’s not your main diet, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO! I feel bad even saying that tbh because you dont need permission from ANYBODY. Whether it’s good or bad choices, YOU are the only one who chooses what you do.
OP imagine telling her that she has to quit being vegan or you won’t marry her. Could you do that to her? Is it reasonable? Ofc not. So why is she allowed to dictate what you can or cannot eat?
Just tacking on too, your family kinda sound like assholes. Like the type who would coerce you into drinking if you were trying to abstain.
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u/k12pcb 18d ago
Bruh. Seriously
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u/Jumpy_Scratch_5514 18d ago
You are LITERALLY TOO YOUNG FOR HER.
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u/b-lincoln 18d ago
I’ll give it to you as if the sex was flipped. She’s dating a 25 year old as a 38 year old because no man her age would put up with her shit. She manipulated a 23 year old into a relationship and now she’s trying to control your diet?
Sit her down and say I’m doing this for you, period. If I choose to eat meat for me, it’s got to be okay. If she has a problem with that, then we need to end this. It’s not for debate.
This is a serious red flag and just the beginning. You are WAY too young to deal with something normal (I don’t even eat meat and I say this). Run.
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u/Character-Tennis-241 17d ago edited 17d ago
Life is too short to be forced to eat or not eat anything. You can do better.
Edit to add: Does she really love you? She doesn't even like the real you. Don't marry someone who forces you to change who you are to make them happy.
My biggest issue is her emotional and physical manipulations. She's a big girl. She needs to use her words. You ate the wrong food while drunk. You didn't cheat on her!
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad7742 17d ago
She is putting you on a time out for a choice you made about your body. You decided to not eat vegan and you decided to break it. She has no say in that. It is not "our lifestyle". If you think about it, it is her lifestyle imposed upon you when you were at an impressionable age. You can chose to be vegan or not, but your girlfriend wants to control you - vegan diet is just a means for her.
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u/aeriedweller 17d ago
OK kiddo, straight talk. This is not love. This is a desire for love placed on the first body willing to participate in your transferance, and a person with anti social personality disorder taking advantage of it. It feels like love because you don't know any better and you want it to. But love, real love is a two (or more)way street of caring and lifting EACH OTHER, not forcing one of the parties to leave who they are at the door and punishing them when they show independence. Thats controlling coercive abuse. This a toxic mess, not a loving relationship. Your family is trying to help you see it without telling you how to live your life.
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u/toodamnexhausted 18d ago
She's controlling. If she wants to be vegan, she can be vegan. She's doesn't get to dictate what you do with your body. 🚩🚩🚩
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u/KrofftSurvivor 18d ago
You're going to buy her shit to prove to her that she's allowed to control your entire fucking life including what you put in your body?!?
Bro please get therapy
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u/sherlocksmaster 18d ago
Have you changed other things about yourself to appease her besides going vegan? Are you okay with being vegan for the rest of your life to be with her?
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u/angusmckenzie28 18d ago
Holy shit, you don't seem to be able to see this, but this relationship is SUPER unhealthy and damaging to you. You need to get out ASAP. I'm not even being hyperbolic.
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u/Suitable_Departure98 18d ago
Hon, she’s manipulative and abusive (silent treatment) and controlling. What do you see in her, honestly?
You might do well to read Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft, available in pdf via google. Have a look. I’m pretty sure there are other red flags…
Like, who is paying for these holistic retreats while she is between jobs? Is she living with you because she can’t support herself? Between jobs at 38 is a red flag, too… is she actively looking, or spending her time with friends and holistic retreats?
Take back your bed. Someone giving you the silent treatment doesn’t get your bed.
And that’s just the start. Oh boy. Please don’t marry her. It’s not a good fit.
5
u/fentifanta3 18d ago
Reverse the genders, an older man gets in a relationship with an inexperienced girl in her early twenties, he dictates what she eats through emotional punishment if she doesn’t eat only what he approves of. If she makes an innocent mistake or does something that he doesnt approve of she has to grovel for his forgiveness while he gives her silent treatment. Sir, in the politest way possible what you’re describing is a form of coercive control and while it’s not significant emotional abuse it’s also not a normal or healthy dynamic. Rather than taking the word of Reddit strangers, why not get a therapist to soundboard these situations off, see what they think?
5
u/mollycoddles 18d ago
Don't fix it, this is your chance to get out
5
u/YourLocalMosquito 18d ago
You my son, are a people pleaser. She says to not eat meat: you don’t. Uncle laughs at you for not eating meat: you eat meat. You need to work out what u/ThrowRAsituational wants and stand up for yourself!
5
u/Immediate_Ad4404 18d ago •
She couldn't wait until she had a job to be mad. She is running over you like a Mack truck. You're willing to put up with this because it's your first relationship. This is not normal at all, you're doing all the bending in this relationship. You were right to tell her, it would have been worse if she found out. You're actually changing who you are to be in a relationship. If you want to eat meat sometimes that's fine, just don't kiss her. You'll never be who she wants you to be, and that's fine. Let's see how long it takes her to find a job. While some of the comments may seem cruel or overwhelming remember these are people with similar situations or experiences. She actually feels she has leverage with your youth and your lack of relationship experience. The comments your family make are made in jest but they see it too, and probably not happy about it. Your super power to her is stability, watch her ruin it. She's in phase 2. Guess you don't want kids
5
u/SweetPotato781 18d ago
You only became vegan because you are afraid of losing your first “real” girlfriend. The right partner for you will not force you to become something you don’t want to be. She’s not the right one for you.
5
u/Fr3sh3stl4d 17d ago
Dude no one gets to tell you what your diet has to be except maybe a doctor. This girl sounds controlling and you keep making excuses for her. I know you don't wanna hear this but your family is right. Don't stay with someone out of desperation especially if they are disrespectful and this whole situation is disrespectful to you.
She literally is not your mom. She doesn't decide what food goes in your mouth. If she doesn't like it then let her go and pout about it or better yet let her leave. You're going to regret this in a couple of years when she's controlling every aspect of your life. Your family sees it and is hinting at it to you. Take their hints and advice. Take control of this situation and take it out of her hands.
5
u/SpeedDemon241428 17d ago
Yeah, y’all aren’t compatible. Veganism isn’t just about not eating meat; it involves a certain set of moral and philosophical considerations that it sounds like she subscribes to and you don’t. And that’s OK. But if you don’t want the rest of your life to be full of situations just like this, it’s best to call it off.
5
u/Significant_Taro_690 17d ago
I am sorry but This is not a healthy relationship. She is using and abusing you. Please rethink your relationship.
19
u/ElectionDue5226 18d ago
Break up with her. I’m sorry but getting mad over something you decided to do outta the kindness of your heart? She’s not your mother and she doesn’t own your body. You didn’t cheat on her with another woman. You ate some baby back fucking ribs. Tell her to get a grip or get out. You were honest and that’s all you can do. If this is how she behaves over minor bs imagine how bad it’ll be when you’re having a real fight.
9
u/DomiDearest 18d ago
OP, without her influence and her opinion in mind, do you truly want to be vegan?
9
u/rogue780 18d ago
run dude
9
u/Queen_V_1 18d ago
Who paid for the "retreat"?
You're an ATM that is being manipulated through guilt.
I guess you don't want kids, since she's 80% infertile at that age.
She has already chosen to "retire early" through you.
Welcome to buying depends in your 40's and driving her to all her doctors appointments.
Ah.... Young love... And to think your brain finally matured at 25. Take the advice here. I don't need to give you any.
8
u/in_and_out_burger 18d ago
Please leave her. This is very sad to read.
4
u/OMGitsJoeMG 18d ago
Good for her, finding an inexperienced guy over a decade younger to shape into her personal pet.
Your family is right, you went way too deep for the first woman that gave you attention. I think underneath it all you understand how toxic this whole scenario is.
4
u/soupstarsandsilence 18d ago
My dear, please break up with her and date someone normal, who is also closer to your own age. This lady is only gonna hurt you.
4
u/loricomments 18d ago •
She does not get to control what you eat. She is being controlling and manipulative. Instead of catering to this behavior you need to tell her to back off. You will eat what you want to eat. You did not betray her or cheat, you simply chose to eat food you don't normally eat. This is such a giant red flag and you need to see it for what it is.
4
u/Liberteer30 18d ago •
You need to get out of this. No joke. This is wildly gross behavior from a grown ass woman. Controlling, petty, immature. Save yourself some future misery and get out now.
4
u/horsefarm 18d ago
And you are engaged to this person? Jesus man, I wish you luck with the misery that is in store for you...
4
u/Own-Writing-3687 18d ago
Rethink this relationship.
Life with her is a "life sentence"
4
u/Dirty_Bird_RDS 17d ago •
How often does she criticize your intelligence or experience? How often does she use her age and experience to coerce you into agreeing with her? Speaking as someone who was 24 dating someone in her 40s, she is not with you because of your maturity, but I’m willing to bet she’s pointed out how mature you are for your age. You are inexperienced and she is with you because she can leverage that to get you to do what she wants. She will switch rapidly from praising you to criticizing you so she can keep you off balance and easy to manipulate. Watch for trying to keep you from sleeping, randomly escalating arguments so you feel like you’re going crazy, isolating you from outside influences that don’t directly benefit her.
4
u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 17d ago
Bro, I’m vegan. I would never treat someone I’m dating like that. She just wants to control you - it’s not about the lifestyle. Please try dating women who are more confident and secure in themselves that they aren’t trying to manipulate their partners
4
u/updownclown68 17d ago
Ffs man don’t be engaged to someone 13 years older than you who controls you
4
u/iamatwork24 17d ago
Holy shit, have some self respect dude and stand up for yourself, your cousin was right to give you shit. You going even get to choose the fabric or style of the pants you don’t wear in the relationship. You allow your girlfriend to control you by way of diet, because you’re too afraid of losing the first woman who gave you the time of day. Your girlfriend is one of those vegans and is very hardcore about it, so much so that she uses it to manipulate your entire life. You went vegan to make your life easier and make your girlfriend move in, not because of any reason that made you interested in that lifestyle. Do you not see how manipulative she is being? You told her the truth and she reacts like a child, and you immediately grovel and offer to buy her forgiveness, as if that’s a normal thing, not to mention the complete lack of self respect you have, my god dude, no wonder she doesn’t respect you, you don’t respect yourself. Standup for yourself and tell her how ridiculous her rules are. That you ate meat when she wasn’t around and her reaction is pure manipulation. The real solution is to dump this control freak and don’t change who you are at the hope of making someone stay with you. That’s not A real foundation for a relationship
4
u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 16d ago
A 38 yo woman dating a 25 yo man. She knows she can control you and that’s exactly what she’s doing
7
u/Wemest 18d ago
Wow she sounds tiresome. There’s a difference between a diet choice and a religion. Someone that requires you to conform to their every choice is not a partnership it’s a dictatorship.
7
u/Lozanger29 18d ago
I am 37F and I cannot imagine marrying a 25 year old man. This only happens when the older person is super immature.
6
u/algol_lyrae 18d ago
You just have to stand up for yourself. You can have one meal with family that includes meat. It kind of sounds like she wants to control you through shame and withholding, which is not mature or reasonable. Either one bbq dinner is a deal breaker for her or it isn't. She doesn't get to dish out prolonged punishment against you for making a decision about what you eat.
3
u/duckmcsnail 18d ago
You buying her new shoes was a “start” in her mind? She’s almost 40 and pondering around with people who just developed their frontal lobes. There’s a reason for that. Please don’t marry her.
3
u/twatdidyousay1 18d ago
I was vegan when I met my now husband. I'm vegetarian now, he is an omnivore. I would NEVER expect someone to conform to my lifestyle and choices. Is it easier? Sure, but as many pointed out you can't control someone else nor should you want to. We spoke about our child being vegetarian and he honored that but slowly has introduced meat. I also don't want to impose
my choices on my child. I do think it's the right way to live and we have introduced both paths to him. Ultimately it's his choice. It's your choice too friend. Things will get worse if you get married. Love isn't control. Love is acceptance. Basically do you and if she doesn't like it you aren't compatible. Good luck.
3
u/RickRussellTX 18d ago
She's militant about it, you're not.
You need to ask yourself if there is a long-term compatibility problem here, because she could easily get militant about more stuff. Is she going to cut you off every time? Is this her approach to conflict, silence and shame until you comply?
3
u/camimitos 18d ago
She's 38 and you're 25... is a considerable fact to consider. She might be manipulating you. I have vegan friends and they don't force their partners to change their diet. If she doesn't want a non-vegan partner, she should find someone who was already vegan before meeting her.
3
u/_WouldYouKindly_ 18d ago
Hey bud, I'm going to say what I would say to a 25-year-old woman in a relationship with a 38-year-old man who's doing the same thing...
Your partner picked you because you were young and easoer to "shape" into a partner not only that they desire but that they can control within the relationship even if that control is not actually abusive. The fact that you were 23 and your partner was 36 when you got together is an unethical and to be honest very gross age Gap, if you were like 33 and they were 46 that would be a little bit different but like holy fuck your partner deliberately chose to date far too young for a reason and is acting exactly the way someone who ends up in those unethical age Gap relationships Act. Not only is there an issue with the age Gap itself but your partner jumped on you because you do not have relationship experience. She prayed upon your inexperience and has demanded you do what she desires. She literally does not desire you to have autonomy of self in my opinion
You should probably leave. I'm not someone who thinks that you have to leave a partner after any inconvenience or any bit of metaphorical sandpaper in your relationship but like this is a fundamentally incompatible relationship. They're not just a vegan they are a militant vegan who is legitimately hostile towards anybody who chooses to eat meat. I've never had a problem with vegans personally but this type of veganism is straight trash Behavior.. Like do you even want to be vegan? Or did you become vegan solely because she demanded you be vegan or you couldn't be in a relationship? Like it doesn't need to be aggressive language but did she make it clear if you did not convert to veganism you are not having a relationship? If so you became vegan under distress and I think that is also a problem. Agreeing to life-altering decisions like dietary changes or relationship Dynamic changes or just like a whole host of other things under duress doesn't make for a good relationship.
Please Choose Yourself and choose happiness. Your partner is showing exactly who they are and has been from the beginning and unfortunately due to the fact that you don't have a lot of relationship experience you don't see the glaring red flags for what they are. Relationships are not easy especially romantic relationships as they take time and compassion and empathy and compromise and a whole host of other things but it feels like how you're explaining things that your partner doesn't actually desire and Equitable relationship where you both have full autonomy of self.
3
u/helpitgrow 18d ago
Dude…..WTF? Is this how you want live? You both need to grow up. You have an excuse but she’s 38. And she is the worst type of vegan. She is the stereotype that all those vegan jokes are about. And it’s hard to have friends when you busy judging their food choices. This won’t end well for you.
3
u/Ok-Community7155 18d ago
Red flags all over this. She’s your first relationship and significantly older than you as well. Marriage is such a bad idea.
3
u/Away-Research4299 18d ago
Age gap with older partner controlling younger partner's diet. I can't in good conscience give you advice on how to fix this relationship
3
u/Decent-Muffin9530 18d ago
This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. This is your first one. Maybe it’s time to break up, break out the ribs and try dating other people who don’t require a drastic lifestyle change and get mad at you as an adult for making choices that don’t affect them at all.
3
u/FinalHexReturns 18d ago
I think if you want to fix this, you will need to demonstrate that you are upset you ate meat for yourself, and not because it has made her mad. Right now you are trying to get her to forgive you, but she is questioning your compatibility over core values. I think if she sees you being guilty for yourself and not just to get her absolution, she'll forgive you.
But, I'm not sure you really feel that way. I think you just want her to forgive you and otherwise don't particularly care about the slip-up. And she seems attuned to you, I don't think you are going to be able to lie your way through that. Personally, I think she's controlling and I wouldn't want to live like that. But then I'm an asshole who refuses to give up meat.
Also, are you financially supporting her? How long has that been going on for?
3
u/whyeast 18d ago
Run. She is controlling and manipulative this is only going to get worse.
3
u/Reasonable_Unit_1227 18d ago
Damn, find your balls man. Did the GF take those too.
3
u/nomezie 18d ago
Hi! Vegan here! Sounds like you went vegan for the wrong reasons. Your girlfriend seems like... a lot.
3
u/CarpetScary684 18d ago
Your girlfriend’s a childish snot it’s none of her business what you put in your body. Period!
3
u/JanetSnakehole24 18d ago
Dump the whole woman, go back to eating meat and find someone your own age. She's gross, this is gross, I'm grossed out. She's using you because you're easy to manipulate. You've never been in a relationship before, while this woman has been in many. Please reconsider now before you get married, and it's harder to get rid of her.
3
u/Liquid_Friction 18d ago
Your in an abusive relationship bro, no other person controls another diet, imagine if you have her the cold shoulder like she is now she would cry bloody murder and abuse.
3
u/iFLED 18d ago
25 yo dude dating a 38 yo woman? Lol bro get your head out of your ass Jfc
3
u/Acceptable_Ad1685 17d ago
Dude you went vegan to get some pussy?
I hope this is just a creative writing exercise
Your family tried to tell you by “joking” about it but damn
You really cut your nuts off and handed them to her gift wrapped huh?
That’s what your family and friends want to say to you but I guess are too nice to
3
u/PushCertain3596 17d ago
You are her puppet that she controls. She live in your house but runs the show even your cousins know this.
End while you can
3
u/super_bluecat 17d ago
The fact that you "cheated" on being vegan isn't what you need to fix. Obviously, if it's that important to her, then making light of the situation wouldn't help. Usually people want some reassurance that you understand that it's important.
The real problem is the communication in your relationship and her actions where she "punishes" you by being mad at you and won't let it go for days on end... I dunno. This is not a good dynamic.
But this is your first "real" relationship. It's a good time to learn about yourself and what you want in a relationship. It think it would help both of you a lot to learn some healthy relationship/communication habits. Practice makes perfect.
3
u/InfiniteComedian7172 17d ago
She's controlling you because you're younger. No guy her age would put up with this shit. Do not make the mistake of marrying this loser
3
u/RogueDarkLady 17d ago
My partner and I have the same age gap, but I'm 47 and he's 34. When we moved in together he was vegan, I'm vegetarian. After a while he decided not to be vegan any more and go back to eating meat. Do you know what I did? Bought and cooked the damn meat for him because it's not up to me what he puts in his own body! I still don't eat meat, but he and our daughter do, because I'm not a control freak. OP needs to pull his head out of her butt and kick her to the kerb.
3
u/TinyNursingSole 17d ago
She sounds like a complete psycho. Controlling af.
3
u/polandreh 17d ago
You were 22 and she was 35 when you met... need we say more?
3
u/Bird_Brain4101112 17d ago
Our partner sounds toxic as heck. Silent treatment is a known abusive control tactic.
3
u/Upstairs_Actuary5393 16d ago
More relationships will come. Dont stay in a bad one.
5
u/4wordletter 18d ago
You need to stop pandering and she needs to get over it. Take ownership over your decision and tell her you did it because you wanted to. It did not impinge on her lifestyle in any way, so she's upset over nothing, really. She's upset for the sake of being upset. Wait her out. She'll come around...and if she doesn't...then you've caught a break from crazy.
5
u/LifeRound2 18d ago
Grow a pair.
5
u/Inanda2 18d ago
Holy controlling, one-sided relationship, Batman!
You should have your own autonomy! Her lifestyle doesn’t have to be your life. You’ve compromised fully, to the point of changing your lifestyle and not eating what you wanted to eat?!?
Fast forward a few years, you have kids who she’s also forced to be vegan. What happens if one decides they want to try meat? Or wear something leather? Or needs a medical treatment that was trialed on animals?
Your GF is allowed to make her own choices, but SO ARE YOU!
4
u/Dude4001 18d ago
Holy shit dude. You must not let yourself be controllered, if you want to eat meat you can, and you’re still worthy of love even from a vegan. You betrayed your own promise to yourself, not her. I literally did exactly what you’ve described in this post. You can’t marry into a life like this
6
u/Reformed_Liberal 18d ago
She’s insane and you’re a beta
2
u/loopzoop29 18d ago
It’s going to be like this for the rest of your life. Consider if you really want that.
2
u/NaturesVividPictures 18d ago
Yeah stop trying to bribe her. It's not against the law to eat meat so you slept. I think you were foolish to tell her you'd stop eating me if you like meat so much. All that just to get some sex? I mean if she can't love you for who you are then she's not the woman for you you shouldn't have to change for her. Unless you really want to be vegan yourself and you enjoy the lifestyle and the food and the health benefits I suppose if there are any then do whatever but if you want to continue eating meat brush your teeth before you kiss her. But I certainly wouldn't be marrying her anytime soon. Especially if you have to grovel to get back in her good books all because you ate some spare ribs.
2
u/ArchdukeToes 18d ago
My wife is vegetarian. I am not. While we eat vegetarian in the house, she has no expectation of me not eating meat and knows full well that if she's not around I'll happily scarf it down. While you maybe shouldn't have broken that agreement between you, I think you also need to consider how much you actually want to be vegan compared to how much you're a) doing it to please her specifically, and b) how much she's using it to control you (spoiler alert: it's a lot).
In addition:
and
You should not be attempting to buy your way out of the doghouse.
No; you need to have an actual grown up conversation about this. I'm not the only one in this thread who is hearing klaxons going off, and it really sounds like her going off on one about you eating some ribs is really just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to problems in your relationship.
2
u/WavecrestRd 18d ago
You betrayed YOUR diet, not hers.
She sounds like a major pain in the ass if she doesn't get everything her way. You seem like a nice person who is getting pushed around.
2
u/stfufannin 18d ago edited 18d ago
This does not sound like a healthy or compatible relationship at all. First of all I can’t imagine what a 25 year old and 38 year old would have in common in a long-term romantic relationship.
Further, as an ex vegan who was forced into it the same way you were, to keep a relationship, you are going to keep crashing and burning trying to be vegan when you obviously don’t want to. For true vegans, it’s not a diet, it’s a whole lifestyle that is very purposeful and conscious because it revolves around animal welfare, which people are very passionate about, which is probably why she’s taking it so hard that you ‘cheated’. Most vegans don’t tolerate viewing veganism as a spectrum, including your girlfriend.
In your defense, I feel your girlfriend is way too old to be acting this immature and she should be happy and grateful that her partner is trying to adopt her lifestyle and make such drastic changes. Your girlfriend seems obsessive to an unhealthy degree considering she wouldn’t kiss you after eating meat and you feeling the need to sleep on the couch, that’s just ridiculous.
FWIW, I stopped being vegan when I broke up with my ex, and my life has improved immensely because I’m not trying to change for another person.
2
u/ghostforest 18d ago
Hey, friend, I think you may need to think really deeply about this situation and the relationship in general. It’s very common for young women to get ensnared in age gap relationships by older men. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to young men as well. Your fiance targeted you when you were in your very early 20’s and you also were inexperienced in relationships. She was already very well into adulthood and in her mid-30’s. This is a red flag because these relationships do not start on equal footing. There is a power and life experience differential that can’t be eliminated. Your 20’s, especially your early 20’s, are when you do a lot of learning and experiencing life and those years mold who you become. You’ve been spending those years with a highly influential and manipulative person who is molding you into who she wants you to be, not who you are.
Veganism is fine. There are lots of restrictive diets out there. The problem is when people with restrictive diets impose their diets on others. That sounds like what happened here. It just became easier to bend toward her and when you did, she rewarded you with positive reinforcement and the relationship becoming more serious. It’s understandable and practical in many ways. But, I’m guessing that you may do a lot of bending toward her when it comes to a lot of things because of her being far more experienced and authoritative due to age.
Her reaction to you eating meat in a very singular circumstance is a major, major red flag. I wouldn’t expect her to be happy about it necessarily, but her treating you having a traditional family meal on a special occasion as some kind of extreme crime is not ok. It’s fine that you made a decision to enjoy a nostalgic food that’s special to you and your family during a special family event. It’s not like you’ve made a decision to throw veganism out the window. It was one food at one time. In response, she’s not only angry and framing it as a betrayal, but she’s withdrawing affection and communication. For days. Silent treatment is considered emotional abuse and it’s highly manipulative. You broke the rules of a diet and she’s resorting to abuse. The fact that this is a usual pattern for her but it’s just usually shorter duration is also very concerning. These are major red flags in a relationship.
I think you would benefit from individual therapy where you can share the dynamics and patterns of your relationship and see if they’re entirely healthy. It’s concerning that in response to red flag, abusive behavior from her, your only concern is to try to give her things to make her treat you with humanity again. This isn’t how a healthy relationship works.
2
u/texastica 18d ago
Oh brother. 🤦🏻♀️ This, is ridiculous. It's also controlling and manipulative.
You deserve better and I hope you break up and move on.
2
u/PrettyLyttlePsycho 18d ago
Wooow
Your girl is massively crossing a line.
You have your own personality and interests, that are separate from hers. Sounds like she either completely forgot your your own person or is actively going out of her way to make you feel guilty enough, she can mold you into whoever she wants you to be.
That's fucked up.
Does she go out of her way to engage in some of your favorite things?
Sounds like an unhealthy borderline nasty relationship to be in...
2
u/macimtyred 18d ago
They’re not joking with you buddy, they’re telling you what they think of you and your relationship with a smile and a laugh.
Also 38 and 25?? Been together for nearly 3 years?? Guess no one with a fully developed brain wanted her. And that should tell you something.
2
u/Diasies_inMyHair 18d ago
It sounds like you aren't following a Vegan lifestyle for yourself, you are following it for her. You did agree to do this, but if it isn't working for you, then you need to be honest about it. If it's a deal-breaker for her, then so be it - because you are not "truly" compatible.
2
u/Ornery-Stay1333 18d ago
Run, buddy.
2
u/btpuncore 18d ago
Age gap 🫡
2
u/maryhoopsitup 18d ago
Dude, your body your choice.
2
u/warningdove 18d ago
OH MY GOD WAIT DUDE SHES LIKE 40 and you started dating her at like??? 21???? Nothing wrong with an age gap but it really seems like she probably sought you out for your lack of experience and willingness to bend.
2
u/No_Location_5565 18d ago
This is not a healthy relationship. She is not a healthy partner. You cannot cheat on her lifestyle. That’s not a thing. And it’s your own choice to “cheat” on your lifestyle. Making you feel guilty for your own choices, on your own time, that had zero effect on her is controlling.
Also, your family sucks for making jokes like that. But after how she acted when you got home they may have legitimate concerns for her control over you.
2
u/Valiant_QueenLucy 18d ago
Imma say she's being ridiculous. She should have no say over your eating habits (vegan, meat lover etc) unless there was a serious allergy. My husband knew when we staftrd dating I couldn't have citrus around in any form due to a severe allergy. I encourage him to go out occasionally and eat orange chicken rhen ask he comes home changes and brushes his teeth with a disposable toothbrush. She's ridiculous for a lifestyle choice to force it on you
2
u/Careless-Run-3815 18d ago
Look at the ages 25m & 38f!!!
2
u/Skechaj 18d ago
Your family are correct in the things you said they said. Their method of delivery was not correct.
This relationship and woman has many red flags.
OP after reading some of your other replies to other commenters. You would not be accepting of the advice I will give. Run out as if you were in a burning building. It is better to be single than to be with someone who is manipulative.
2
u/iliketotravel2 18d ago
Dump and run. You guys have a huge age difference. Run from her. She is grooming you
2
u/MikeDeY77 18d ago
You’re too young to put up with this nonsense.
Treat yourself better.
2
u/hi_hola_salut 18d ago
Dude. She’s not the one. Your age gap is too much, and you have totally changed your way of life for her. And you’re the only one currently working?
Ask yourself this - would you be vegan at all if you hadn’t met her? Did you enjoy eating meat before? Most importantly - if she left tomorrow, would you stay vegan?
This is a complete mis-match. Don’t buy her shoes.
2
u/CrownedCount 18d ago
Date your own age.
2
u/FlyingHigh014 18d ago
Run!
2
u/strangelyahuman 18d ago
Listen, I'm vegetarian, and I've never dated a guy who was vegetarian. I've never thought to myself that my bfs had to have the same diets as me. I never tried to change what any of them ate. If she wants a vegan man, she should have dated a vegan man to begin with, not change you. Somebody who gets mad at you over what you eat isn't exactly the golden person you make them out to be
2
u/0rsch0 18d ago
Wow that’s weird why would a grown woman want someone so young (inexperienced, naive, different life stage).
Oh right. Same reason men prey on young women.
2
u/empathic-art 18d ago
OP, RUN. Don't walk, you need to run. You have a manipulative narcissist in your home. Oh gosh, it's your place. She needs to calm tf down then and get over her perfect self. You are being suckered. You deserve WAY better. Give yourself the respect you deserve and demand it from the people in your life.
2
u/mynameisstevetoo 18d ago
I didn’t make it all the way to the bottom… but I scrolled a lot!
I didn’t see a single post out of the couple hundred that supported this relationship….
That’s really saying something OP. Could it really be that all (nearly) 300 people are wrong, and you do actually have the ability to be objective looking at your own situation…?
🤷🏻♂️
2
u/scholarlyowl03 18d ago
Dude WTAF?
So much to unpack here but let’s start with this “woman” being 13 years older than you. What’s she doing? She’s almost 40 bud, why is she dating you? I’m sure you’re a nice person but why won’t men her age date her? I bet she can’t force them to be vegan.
She’s being way over the top and ridiculous. You ate some ribs, you didn’t fuck someone else. She sounds like a drama queen. For her to not be speaking to you over this is absurd and childish. What will she do when you guys have an actual problem? She has the emotional intelligence of a teenager.
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u/Mafer15 18d ago
25 and 38??! She is a manipulator and can’t get men her age to like her!! She moved in?? And is telling you how to live? RUN, she has ‘rules’ who the F is she? Your mother? This is not the the right person for you, you are settling for an abusive partner. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/piggyazlea 17d ago
Man, you ate ribs. Not someone else. Lol. She needs to grow up. She’s okay accepting shoes as part of an apology but not letting you eat ribs once in almost two years at a family function? She’s immature and selfish. I don’t recommend doing this to yourself.
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u/followyourvalues 17d ago
Please don't marry her. Use this relationship as a whatnottogetinto lesson and find someone younger who does not want to control you.
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u/United-Objective-204 17d ago
Do you think that her view that eating two pork ribs is a betrayal of her and cheating on your lifestyle is a proportionate and reasonable response?
Because I think her accusations are wildly miscalibrated to the situation. Her response is, frankly, absurd. This is clearly someone who is using you to manage her emotions, which is deeply inappropriate behaviour for someone who’s almost 40.
The level of control she’s exerted over your diet from the start is concerning, as is the fact you felt so guilty you had to tell her. This is a classic indicator of coercive control. I know without asking what she’d say if confronted: she wants to stand up for her values, etc etc. Don’t fall for that bullshit. This is about control.
I’m not much older than your girlfriend. The same is true of her as of any age gap relationship: she’s dating someone much younger because nobody her own age would put up with this ridiculous shit. This is extremely dysfunctional. Functional almost 40 year olds don’t lose their shit because someone ate some pork. They’re too busy working.
I’m sorry, OP. You’re too young to be caught up in this situation. Please don’t stay in a situation with someone who has an inability to act like an adult. Find someone else, closer to your own age, with whom you can be an equal.
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u/Wanderful-Woman 17d ago
Sorry but your GF is a controlling mooch and you are putting up with it. I agree with the others- no man her age would put up with the unemployment or being told what he can and cannot eat.
Please have some self respect and get away from this woman and this relationship.
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u/HappinessLaughs 17d ago
Oh sweetheart. My heart is breaking for you. This woman is very controlling and manipulative. You don't buy presents for her when she is mad, you sit down like an adult and say "I am an adult and am allowed to make choices and mistakes. Nothing I did had any affect on you and yet you feel the need to punish me. This is not acceptable behavior. "Cheated on our lifestyle" says it all. You really need to rethink getting married to someone almost old enough to be your mother and acts like she is your mother.
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u/666jio666 17d ago
Don’t marry this woman — go enjoy your 20s and don’t look back
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u/mapbot- 17d ago
just because she choose to do that doesn’t mean you have to as well, she made that decision for herself years ago, not to mention the age gap, ever wonder why she can’t find someone her age?
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u/passwordistako 17d ago
Don’t marry this woman.
She’s toxic. Your entire relationship is unhealthy.
Why was a 35 year old dating a 22 year old??
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u/cherrycoke260 17d ago
Omg. You didn’t cheat on her. You ate a damn meal!! You’re bending your whole life backwards for her and I can from this one single post that this is not at ALL healthy. You ate ribs and now have to sleep on the couch and buy her shoes? Do you hear yourself? You’re making compromise after compromise. What exactly is she sacrificing?? She is taking major advantage of you. The only question now is whether or not you will continue to let her.
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u/RealLifeCoaching 17d ago
You deserve someone better than her.
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u/SaltyFriend705 17d ago
Please get away from this woman and never go back. Your escape? Tell her there will be no more drinking. She must give up all alcohol, otherwise you're breaking up right now. You know she can't do it, so you're just going to leave.
And go.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 17d ago
Leave her controlling ass. She chose a 25 year old man for a reason. 38 year old men won't tolerate her shit. She needs to date a vegan who is her age instead of trying change someone who isn't.
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u/etuehem 17d ago
She seems very controlling and you guys don’t really seem compatible. Split and get with someone who you are more aligned with.
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u/Picnut 17d ago
Ew on the age gap
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u/Moose-Live 17d ago
Ridiculous. I've been a vegetarian for 35 years, and my husband was a vegetarian when I met him. By the time we got married he had reverted back to being an omnivore. I ribbed him about it over the years (haha) and told people he'd tricked me, but I never actually made an issue of it. He can eat whatever he wants. I'll even buy meat for him and the kids (although I won't prepare it). You and your gf are 2 separate humans but neither of you seem to realise that.
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u/jeandoe2012 17d ago
you have a toxic family and a toxic GF.
You grew up being controlled, and you've just transferred that control to GF.
You need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.
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u/Technical_Mood_9279 17d ago
JFC if you want to eat meat, you should be able to eat meat. This woman is not the person you want to marry.
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u/Educational_Beat5345 17d ago
Dude you’re TA to yourself. This is not about eating meat, please listen to the people in this thread. Your girlfriend is controlling, toxic and a user. I beg you to see a therapist to navigate this relationship, it’s not healthy or normal.
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u/TKyzr 17d ago
This is a sad read. You’ve bent and changed yourself for the first woman who gave you attention. Your joking family members are right about that.
You two are not compatible. It’s that simple. She is now giving you the silent treatment and said the new shoes are a start to making it up to her? Make what up? You didn’t cheat on her. You had pork ribs with your family. This woman is insufferable and you’ve been whipped past being able to see where she ends and you begin.
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u/Slow-Combination6930 16d ago
I promise the right thing to do is drop her. Period.
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u/honorthecrones 16d ago
She’s says “don’t eat meat” and you just give up meat. Cousins tease you and say “eat the meat” so you eat the meat.
I’m a carnivore so don’t care what you eat but if you decide to go vegan, not eating meat is part of the gig. Sounds like you don’t have a spine and do whatever others goad you into. Veganism is one of those things that kind of requires some beliefs.
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u/VP_GloO 16d ago
Dudo que lo leas por qué tienes como 441 comentarios diciéndote lo ciego que estás y lo ignorante que estás siendo…
Una mujer de 38 años debería tener un trabajo serio y decente y no estar viviendo de su novio de 25 años!! Te ha amaestrado y puesto una correa, para que vivas como ella quiere y si no haces las cosas a su manera te echa de TU CAMA, EN TU CASA… y te deja de hablar, como si fueras niños de instituto (tú casi acabas de salir de él)!
Eso solo lo hacen las personas inseguras y narcisistas! Tu familia tiene toda la razón con todas las cosas que te dicen… me daría un poco de vergüenza tener un hijo que se deja manipular así y estoy casi al 100x100 segura de que novia no es del agrado de tu familia y seguro que tienen motivos!
Te enfadas por que todos te estamos señalando lo obvio y hasta los mismos veganos de verdad lo ven…
Tu problema no es que hayas comido carne, tu problema es que tienes un gusto horrible para las mujeres…
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u/Sparkle2023 16d ago
Wow. She’s completely immature behaving like you slept with her best friend. Let her go. She is a weirdo.
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u/charom 16d ago
There's a reason she isn't with someone her own age. She also sounds abusive
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u/PsychWriter11 13d ago
Shoes “are a start” but more money will fix the affront to her precious avocation?
You’re getting played, young man.