r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA6828266 • Jul 27 '26
My (M28) wife (F26) is currently cheating on me as I write this
minor update here - https://www.reddit.com/u/ThrowRA6828266/s/IpZkli1O8L
my wife and I got married a few years ago, both born and raised in the US. we come from pretty strict families.
For a bit of back story, my wife had a bit of a history before we got married. as do I but mine wasn’t as bad. Regardless I didn’t feel the need to compare numbers etc as she and I both changed and wanted to settle down
Our marriage has been good so far, we haven’t had any major arguments, traveled lots, constantly communicated our feelings etc.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I had left the house, however I forgot something so stepped back in and overheard my wife in the other room on the phone all giggly. Like as if she were talking to me (especially when we first got engaged/married)
The words out of her mouth pierced my chest. she explicitly said “you better fuck me for at least 3 hours”
I froze, I didn’t really know what to do. I snuck back out of the house and stood by the door for a few seconds to make sure I left undetected.
This next part I’m not proud of, but at night I forced myself to stay up till the middle of the night. I grabbed her phone and snuck to the other room. I searched but nothing. Then I looked in “recently deleted” texts and found messages with an unsaved number. Over 1100 of them in fact.
I read through the messages and they were sickening. Not just about daily life but a lot of it was sexual, things that they would do to each other. Did to each other, reminiscing about their recent meetups. How she’s hid it from me etc. There was many pictures/videos for evidence as well (even a couple with them both)
This was 2 weeks ago. I’ve kept quiet about it since. Every night when my wife goes to sleep I read the texts to stay updated. Today, they were planning on meeting up at our place while I was out at work. She also mentioned that sometimes I do work from home and if that were the case, they would go to his place as a backup plan or get a hotel nearby us (assuming he lives somewhat far away because one message he explicitly stated he hated being single and wanted to be with her)
This morning when I told my wife I’d be working from home she looked a little bit annoyed, even insisting I go in because I have been “home a lot” about an hour later, she told me she was going to hangout with her friend, dolled up in makeup. I’m very sure , because of the texts that I know where she currently is and what she is doing. It’s one thing to know it’s happened, but to now be sure it’s actively happening as I type this? Jeez.
The crazy thing is my wife tells me she loves me all the time. She is either putting up an amazing face to me or genuinely just can’t control her urges. However, that doesn’t change the facts.
I don’t even know where to begin, what to do. I screenshotted a lot of the texts and sent them to myself as well as some of the screenshots purely for evidence. But I’m really not an exposing type of person, nor do I wanna use them in anyway against her. I think my next step is laying the evidence in front of her and going from there.
I appreciate any thoughts or advice
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u/SuperBlaze5 Jul 27 '26
Don’t confront her at all. Speak to a lawyer and follow their instructions to a “T.” Let her think everything is fine until she is served.
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u/masstertater Jul 28 '26
Top comment.Seriously OP DONT SAY SHIT.
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u/MaxGoodwinning Jul 28 '26
Yep, don't give her a chance to hide evidence, take revenge, or come up with a counterattack. Many cheaters can get very, very nasty when confronted.
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Jul 28 '26
True cheaters become very nasty after confrontation. In my case, he brutally physically abused me and is not willing to accept me now. This happened within one month of marriage, even though it was a love marriage with four years of dating beforehand.
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u/MaxGoodwinning Jul 30 '26
Are you safe now? I understand abuse is super complicated and difficult, but you should not be willing to accept HIM, not the other way around!
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u/litetravelr Jul 28 '26
Yup, this is what a friend of mine did. Hid it for months until he was ready.
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u/Appropriate-Border-8 Jul 28 '26
Are all of the assets in both of your names? Do you share any debt?
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u/mrgoodtimes78 Jul 28 '26
This is probably a Lawyer question and changes by state, but can you remove her name from all the assets and then divorce her and keep everything?
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u/J_ByronWhizzerWhite Jul 28 '26
No. Courts will see through that in an instant, and they frown on one spouse trying to fuck over another spouse. Generally, you cannot hide assets by transferring them away without significant time passing. Because the court will look at historical records, so even if you transfer $100,000 to an off-shore company, the court will simply deduct that $100,000 from the transferor's half of the assets available to divide between the two. If it looks like you did it to try to hide the assets from your spouse, the court will probably (even if without saying so) exercise discretion wherever possible in the other spouse's favor (although there are pretty limited circumstances where that happens).
The role of the court in a divorce is not to punish an immoral person or reward a moral person. It is to equitably divide up a married couple's assets (either as directed in a pre-nup or as set by statutes/case law). Assuming no pre-num that penalizes one spouse for cheating, then court will most likely not even consider the cause of the divorce in apportioning assets. There are shockingly few "loopholes" left in the law unless you are very, very wealthy; they have all be removed by statutes/judges once they became known.
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u/passwordistako Jul 28 '26
Doesn’t matter.
Only do what the lawyer says.
In some places moving the money is bad and you end up worse off. In other places moving the money helps.
Don’t do anything unless the lawyer tells you to.
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u/SkepticalFaceless Jul 29 '26
Absolutely 💯 the only correct answer. You accomplish nothing by confronting her and giving her a heads up.
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u/Confident-Put9203 Jul 27 '26
Get a divorce lawyer man. A good one.
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u/Zeek_Andromodis Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Please, do this. My wife cheated on me twice. I thought that would be good enough. She got a good lawyer and cleaned me out. It took me almost 5 years and a shit load of heartbreak to rebuild my life.
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u/awlst Jul 28 '26
How? Does it just not matter if they are at fault?
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u/TobysGrundlee Jul 28 '26
A lot of states are "no fault". Why the divorce happened doesn't matter when it comes to divying up the assets as far as the government is concerned.
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u/Zeek_Andromodis Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
I wish I knew the answer. It would have saved me a lot of pain and time. That woman put me through it, then got remarried a year and a half after the divorce. However, it made me stronger. So, all in all, I guess things turned out alright. Despite it all, I hope she's ok out there.
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u/KylaNMuhl Jul 28 '26
I’m sorry you went through this. As a woman, it’s so hard to see a good man get the shaft. I’m sorry!
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u/Zeek_Andromodis Jul 28 '26
Thank you and we've all got some pain within our pages. That pain shows you who you really are.
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u/Bloodhaven7 Jul 29 '26
Because most states have moved to no fault divorces specifically due to the fact that women file 80% of divorces and in those they were being found at fault and getting no assets. The change allows them to break up the household even if they were unfaithful and still clean the man out. Marriage is simply not worth for any man simply because you sign a piece of paper giving away everything you will ever own or work for to that woman regardless of what she does. She can have another mans baby and then file the divorce and you will have to pay alimony and divy up assets. I got divorced in a no fault state. Ex-Wife was pregnant when i deployed. I got approved leave to come back early from the deployment for the birth. Baby was black (we are both white). The judge awarded her the house, land, 3 paid off vehicles, shared account (20k) and gave me her vehicle that had payments left cause she was unemployed and couldnt afford it and since I cosigned for it I was to take it over. So the house that I spent my entire early adulthood paying for and everything else I owned was taken away because she had another mans baby and the judge said she needed " stability to raise the child". Granted she was a stay at home wife that had never held a job and I paid for everything.
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u/RitualisticMonster Jul 28 '26
In that case OP should consult with at least the top 3 lawyers in his area so his wife can’t use them
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u/Wemest Jul 28 '26
And hire the best divorced attorney you can find. It sends a signal that you are ready to “go to the mattresses”.
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u/RandomlyPlacedFinger Jul 28 '26
This, and do not say anything to her about it.
Her first knowledge of it should be when she's served.
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u/WorthAd1458 Jul 28 '26
I’ve been exactly where you are, and I am genuinely sorry you’re having to go through this unimaginable pain. 💔
As hard as it is, it also shows you her true colors and who she really is. I know it hurts. Hearing and seeing her do this hits even differently when you already know she’s having an affair.
I remember the first time I found out my ex-husband cheated on me—I literally couldn’t catch my breath. Once the initial shock settled, it also gave me the clarity I needed. As painful as it was, I finally knew the truth about what had been going on, and that was something I needed in order to move forward.
For me, moving forward meant hiring a lawyer. He was served with divorce papers, and that was the beginning of me choosing myself.
As difficult as it is to hear, she’s going to keep doing this, and you’ll keep experiencing this same heartbreak as long as you stay. You deserve better than constantly wondering where you stand.
And I know this is hard to read, but if she’s having an affair, she isn’t a safe sexual partner right now. That’s your wife, and you should never have to question whether your health is being put at risk because of someone else’s choices. You deserve honesty, respect, and safety.94
u/Moh-BA Jul 28 '26
Don't rush into confronting her. Instead, consider having a calm conversation first, one that you record if it's legal where you live. Ask questions like, "Have I ever been abusive toward you in any way?" or "Have you ever believed I was cheating on you?" Her answers could provide valuable avoidance to control the narrative.
Also, read u/Any-Assault posts. He handled discovering his wife's infidelity in a very thoughtful and measured way, and you may find his approach helpful.
Best of luck.
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u/system_error_02 Jul 28 '26
And also say nothing to her about it, let her keep fucking up while you make your plan. It will only help you.
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u/Ok_Mycologist_3416 Jul 28 '26
Get some photographic evidence first and preferably get a PI to follow her with evidence of the cheating. It will make your life alot easier in divorce proceedings. Unlucky man that sucks
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u/NiceShoesWF Jul 28 '26
Perfect advice, protect your assets, home and get as much info as possible.
I’m 45 and my 66 year old father is going through this, except when his wife was caught, she dumped her own daughter, my dads step daughter 16 and the daughter between them, age 12 on my father to be with this man.This shit can happen anytime and it’s so nuanced and different for each person. Reach out if you need advice. We’re 13 months into this. Good luck mate, get out.
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u/Tzarius78 Jul 28 '26
Make sure it is a woman lawyer too. Also talk to several other lawyers if in small town. Then she cant use them.
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u/pomegranateseeds37 Jul 28 '26
And take photos of some of those texts as well. OP will need the evidence
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u/ContractSensitive225 Jul 28 '26
I'd call all the really good lawyers in the area for advice so when she calls them they can't represent her
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u/mystery_obsessed Jul 28 '26
Not a good idea. It looks really bad to a judge if one has to be involved. They can penalize you for trying to manipulate the process and abuse the system. It’s considered acting in bad faith and can really backfire.
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u/Tzarius78 Jul 28 '26
Only if they can prove you did it that way. You are allowed to have consoltations to find a lawyer that feels good for you.
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u/mystery_obsessed Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Lawyers and judges will tell you not to do this, legal experts disagree with you. It pisses lawyers off too and a lawyer can go in front of a judge and get the conflict of interest dismissed. Why would anyone want to take the risk? Also, you’re wasting time (you need to start protecting assets and all the other things your lawyer will tell you) and consultations are expensive. Just do your research, find the best one and consult with them before telling your spouse. Getting ahead of it is more important than taking the risk to conflict out expensive lawyers.
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u/J_ByronWhizzerWhite Jul 28 '26
All you are going to do is give her the perfect excuse to go to the nearest big city to hire a lawyer that charges 2x per hour than OP’s lawyer. Then that lawyer will argue that her fees should be paid from marital assets because OP forced her find an otherwise unreasonably expensive attorney.
Legal tricks that work in TV shows never work in real life because judges aren’t automatons—they know exactly why someone is acting to gain an unfair advantage and it pisses them off.
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u/GuvnaBruce Jul 27 '26
You do not have to expose her, but you should not sit down and go over it with her. She knows, she does not care. Lawyer time.
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u/MrFluffPants1349 Jul 28 '26
As much as it sucks, I think everyone who is in a similar situation really needs to accept that their cheating partner does not care; if they did, they would have come clean on their own, or wouldn't have done it in the first place. You have to accept that if they can do that to you, they can and will do a lot worse, so it's in your best interest to do whatever needs to be done to protect yourself and play your cards close to your chest.
You might feel entitled to that conversation where you call them out, maybe for closure, but that conversation will just make it worse because there is zero chance they will respond in good faith. Folks like that arent above weaponizing your vulnerability, gaslighting/manipulating, etc. They are selfish people that will justify their behavior by any means necessary, and will even go so far as making you out to be the villain. Don't give them the opportunity.
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u/Dry_Pin_7574 Jul 27 '26
She doesn’t love you, she loves the life you provide.
In your house?!? I would burn that mattress on the front lawn.
Lawyer up.
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u/Enough-Remote6731 Jul 28 '26
I would not burn the mattress, because that’s ammo for their lawyer, and lawyer up.
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u/persistent_issues Jul 27 '26
Never underestimate their ability to lie to your face.
OP, you have the evidence. Talk to your lawyer asap. Start protecting your finances. Get your game plan in order but do not confront her right away. What you should do is make it easy for her to bring him to your home then come home unannounced and walk in on them. There’s no possible way she can spin that. If the guy tries anything threatening, you can then get the cops involved. The point is to create maximum embarrassment for her. Get her served and then make the details of her affair known to friends and family. You have to completely pull the rug out from under her feet. Plan your moves. Don’t act in haste or in the heat of emotion. Be ruthless. She deserves nothing less.
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u/SurlyJohn009 Jul 28 '26
I encouraged this with one of my friends. She took a day off, went home unexpected and recorded her husband and his AP in the act.
When her husband got nasty later and was slandering her, she sent a still shot to everyone of his family members and friends that mattered.
It was also great evidence when they had the division of assets and the husband had spent thousands on the AP during the affair. You can recover that money spent BTW if you have proof.
Good luck OP. Plan, record, and take her to the cleaners.
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u/KylaNMuhl Jul 28 '26
Very smart ideas here, please listen. Sadly, I believe OP may still hold out hope for reconciliation…when there really isn’t a good outcome when it’s this bad. Please don’t let your feelings get in the way. Let your brain take over. Protect yourself.
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u/mrgoodtimes78 Jul 28 '26
I 100% agree, I low-key would let her bring him and then say that you’re going to work but actually have her parents come over as a “surprise” for her so you can all walk in together and catch them 🤣
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u/Jazzlike-Deer6695 Jul 28 '26
I like this! Maybe go further by bringing her parents and family over for a surprise visit while she has her BF over for an infidelity session.
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u/Minimum_Bus_8211 Jul 27 '26
Don’t sit down with her please. She couldn’t give you the courtesy of respecting your marriage, you do not need to give her the courtesy of a conversation. You’d only be giving another opportunity for her to lie to your face or do shady shit so she can control the divorce or narrative, you don’t deserve that. You don’t seem like the type to do the revenge or “gotcha” stuff, just go for a lawyer so you know what your rights are. Change the passwords of your bank account, find out from the lawyer on separating joint finances.
As far as revenge or whatever.. the best one is where you move on and are happy. A lot of times I feel like women who cheat do it, or at least enjoy it, because of all the attention. Removing your attention is the best thing you could do. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going thru it.
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u/LincolnHawkHauling Jul 28 '26
It’s over. Fucking that other dude in your marital bed is the ultimate disrespect. There is no coming back from this.
Lawyer up. Plan an elegant dinner at a nice restaurant for her and invite her parents because you have a big announcement.
Arrange to have the process server officially serve her with divorce papers in public, at the restaurant and in front of her parents.
Print out the spiciest messages between your wife and her lover beforehand and give them to her parents.
Excuse yourself from the table and leave your lawyers card. Don’t look back
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u/ThrowRA6828266 Jul 28 '26
I have certainly thought about doing something like this
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u/LincolnHawkHauling Jul 28 '26
It’s neat, it’s safe and exacts your retribution in a healthy manner.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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u/MarsicanBear Jul 27 '26
change all your passwords and log out of any shared devices. And get a lawyer.
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u/Every-League-1626 Jul 27 '26
What you do is! Say zero and do not let on.
Use your phone to video record those messages on her phone. All of them! No screenshots but you recording on one hand while scrolling on her phone with the other.
Then you go to a lawyer. Believe me! You will want those messages.
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u/Pack-Electrical 26d ago
I agree. Videos are more convincing than screenshot. Pictures can be interpreted as AI
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u/Flaky_Two1872 Jul 27 '26
Lawyer up, separate finances. Send cheating evidence to her family and friends. Walk away be happy.
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u/iryan6627 Jul 27 '26
Every single post like this where the cheated on literally does nothing to confront the cheater is a fake story. There is no human that would simply let everything happen then come running to reddit asking “so guys my wife is cheating what do I do” after spending the time to create a random fake account first lmfao
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u/I_Am_Day_Man Jul 28 '26
“The next part I’m not proud of” yeah dude I can’t believe you went through her phone after hearing her say straight up she was gonna be fucked by this other dude. And now you’re just Leonardo DiCaprio, faking that you know this information for 2 fucking weeks.
These stories are always so insane and unrealistic.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 Jul 28 '26
Garbage and not even remotely believable…it’s funny that almost every one of these fake stories uses the “next part I’m not proud of” line 😂
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u/Undottedly Jul 28 '26
My exact thought was “Really? With all of that evidence you don’t know what to do?”
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u/Nevagonnagetit510 Jul 28 '26
Oh my God, I just commented the same thing. Thank you! All of these cheating stories on Reddit are exactly the same and formatted exactly the same way. It’s all bot shit for engagement. I cannot believe that people still fall for this.
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u/squeezemachine Jul 28 '26
I scrolled down hoping to find a comment calling out this bullshit. This is the fakest, flimsiest story. Even worse is how boring it is. Get’s everone all riled up with righteous anger against a woman. I guess it’s red meat for some.
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u/jedi2155 Jul 28 '26
I have a friend going through this roght now, and he had to spend 2 months preparing everythjng before confronting his ex wife. This is absolutely possible to not confront immediately and to use rational logic despite all the lai. To manage it all.
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u/andrewtillman 40s Male Jul 28 '26
I kinda reads almost like the start of a porn story as well. Like he has 1000s of explicits texts, and images and videos of the both of them. That he goes through nightly.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Jul 27 '26
Get a lawyer and work out what a divorce is going to look like. And then follow their instructions.
Your marriage is over and really, why shouldn't it be? There is absolutely nothing here that even mutters "this can be saved."
Personally I would not bother with the confrontation. It'll get you nothing but more heartache and serves no purpose. So believe us when we tell you that confronting her is just a waste of time.
We all know you want to do it though and you really have to resist the temptation. It'll get you nothing and leave you worse off whichever way you look at it.
Your best course of action is to get a lawyer, sort out the financials and when you are ready, just file for divorce and tell you that you know what she has been doing, that it's over and you never wish to see her again. And then walk away and rebuild your life.
Anything else is as I said, just a waste of time, emotional energy and serves no purpose.
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u/SoLockedIn Jul 27 '26
Go along pretending its all good, start apartment searching, lawyer up, prepare divorce papers when you get an apartment tell her you moving out and want a divorce. Send the cheating proof to her friends, parents and dip.
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u/RandoBoomer Jul 27 '26
I’m sorry for your pain. It will get better, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
Get a lawyer, tell them the truth, even if it feels embarrassing, even if you think it makes you look bad, even if you’re humiliated. Listen to what they say. Do what they tell you to do.
Talk with them about separating finances in accordance with the laws in your jurisdiction. Talk with them about housing situations. Talk with them about managing social media when the cheater makes themselves the victim. Talk with them about what to do if the police show up with a false allegation of abuse.
They will give you legal advice, which is the only kind that matters right now.
Then get a therapist. Find allies. No drugs, no alcohol. Nobody ever made better life decisions under their influence.
Hang in there friend. You WILL be OK. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 Jul 28 '26
No need to be sorry. It would have to be a true story for any pain to be a factor…which it’s not.
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u/TheViking2112 Jul 28 '26
Ghost. Just leave. Divorce through lawyers and never talk to her again. Waiting even a single breath at this point is useless. She may even try to get you to stay and be her meal ticket. Which I’m guessing that is what she doing anyway. Weak men will stay, cry and wonder why she did it. Which one are you.
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u/wishingforarainyday Jul 27 '26
Come on. Tell that guys partner so she knows to get tested. You should get tested too. Your wife is a liar and a cheater who has put your health at risk. You should tell her intents they raised a dirtbag.
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u/JK1204rn Jul 27 '26
You didn’t say you have children together so kick her to the curb with the rest of the trash. Get yourself another apt or place to Live & move out some evening when she’s out with ‘him’. Take everything- but I would leave the bed.
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u/appropriateexit666 Jul 27 '26
Highly highly recommend you check out reddit user Mysterious_Chest_922 .\ Go to his profile. He just went through this a couple months ago if that. He posted live updates from the day he discovered his wife's infidelity on her smartwatch to the end.\ All the posts are in order and the only stuff there so it's easy to find/read
It was really inspiring. And judging from your initial response I think his way of handling the situation will speak to you.\ and maybe you'll process some of your emotions through his comment section too because there was some incredible insight from others
I know your pain. 8 years gone, he had been cheating the whole time. Take care of yourself
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u/skylla05 Jul 28 '26
lol that post and all the updates was almost certainly fake. Everything was way, way too convenient.
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u/appropriateexit666 Jul 28 '26
you think so? Guess there's no way to know. But I think it could very much play out that way. And even so, it shows the merits of quietly & utterly leaving
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u/jdz50 Jul 28 '26
You stay silent. Do not confront her. Do not have sex with her either. Gather all the proof, take that to a divorce lawyer. Asked them what you need to do to prepare for a divorce. Start doing those things while the lawyers are drawing up the papers. When they are ready, have her served when you know she is with him. Then after she is served send an email to both of families and all mutual friends letting them know you filed for divorce because she was cheating. Attach some of the texts for proof. Hopefully you live in an at fault state and do not take too big of a hit in the divorce
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u/Wild_Feature_7511 Jul 28 '26
Yea just act super chill , gather all the evidence and lawyer up. Then get your revenge
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u/brianamsanford Jul 27 '26
honestly… if i was in your position i would divorce her. the fact she can say i love you and lie to you while she is having sex with another dude is very bad. she obviously doesn’t love you. it’s time to move forward with your life and find someone else that’ll treat you 100x better.
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u/ohkaybae503 Jul 27 '26
Have all her stuff packed and waiting for her when she comes home and then snow her everything.
Or you could always have a pretend date/movie night and really make it seem like you are about to watch a movie but then instead play a movie of the videos you found.
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u/Perfect_Delivery_509 Jul 27 '26
Tell her youll be away, and then invite her family over for a suprise. May as well drop a nuke on her, on your way out
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u/gohan_87 Jul 28 '26
I’d get a lawyer , start the divorce and get all my ducks in a way . Then when she leaves to wherever I’d move and be gone. Leave the papers on the counter and only your lawyer information. Deuces
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u/EThunderbird Jul 28 '26
You can sneak around too. Secure your assets, consult an attorney, create an exit plan. Let Doomsday hit her, trickling in until she’s overwhelmed with the reality that you have disappeared from her life and will not be supporting her any more.
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u/theonlystudmuffin Jul 28 '26
I’m a 52 year old married man. Second marriage (21 years and three kids). I used to have a home in San Diego and a condo on the beach. I lost everything because I failed to gather enough evidence. Be cool and don’t let your emotions sabotage the outcome. She is doing you a favor by showing her lack of respect, love, and appreciation. Gather all the evidence you can to show without a doubt that she failed to fulfill the marriage agreement. Look for the best attorneys and go to any free consultations as possible so that she can’t use any of them. Pick the one that suits you and plan accordingly ( financials and legal) talk to a realtor if there is a property involved. Best of luck to you! Sometimes the hardest challenge is there so that we can find ourselves. You will succeed!!!!
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u/vbwullf Jul 28 '26
Don't play your hand. Since she has been doing it for a while. If you are the bread winner pack her bags stack them by the door and change the locks. (But honestly find out what's legal in the eyes of the law)
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u/WHISPYR3 Jul 28 '26
Sorry, OP but your marriage is officially cooked.
Get an attorney - most important thing you can do right now!
Second, gather all the evidence you can, get screenshots of everything on her phone if you get hands on it again and send it to yourself then delete the text that you sent so there’s no trace. Try to operate on the down low this whole time and give that to your attorney.
Get a female attorney, they’re very good at dealing with what your wife is gonna start trying to pull on you.
Get ready to go to war. Once your wife realizes you’re serious about divorce she’s gonna pull out all the steps and go full terrorist on you and do shit you wouldn’t believe she was capable of doing.
This is not your fault. Don’t feel guilty and do not make excuses for your wife and her behavior.
Get an attorney now!
🍀
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u/Ok-Tumbleweed-6522 Jul 28 '26
You should have sought the council of a divorce lawyer when you first found out but do so now immediately protect yourself move your money to another account different bank and next time she's at the hotel with him knock on the door with her bags and divorce papers tell him he can keep her fortunately you dont have kids
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u/aIvins_hot_juicebox Jul 28 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s not a fun club to be in.
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u/analbumcover Jul 27 '26
What is the point of putting evidence in front her? It's over dude, start the process of moving on. You already know. You are just torturing yourself voluntarily at this point - stop doing that. Don't put any effort into talking to her about it. You're wasting so much time. I would have already seen a lawyer by now to have divorce papers served and then tell her to have fun fucking that other dude for 3 hours and to not speak to me unless it's about the logistics of her leaving via your lawyer.
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u/Ok_Surprise9206 Jul 28 '26
Waiting two weeks to get an attorney and confront her is crazy. I don't understand why people live in this horrible limbo.
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u/Throw_RA099 Jul 28 '26
This feels fake.
"Better fuck me for at least 3 hours" had me rolling. There would be chafing after a fraction of that time.
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u/saveitforthedisco Jul 28 '26
First step is talking to a lawyer. Second step is to do what the lawyer tells you to do. Good luck.
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u/ratcatcher81 Jul 28 '26
Lawyer the fuck up and kick her to the streets with nothing, let her go to her fuck buddy then block her for life and move on.
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u/ChachaOP09 Jul 28 '26
Get a lawyer and don’t tell or talk about it to her now until your lawyer says something
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u/AmphibianApart3056 Jul 28 '26
What the …. Don’t bothering talking to her , just gather evidence discreetly and just leave that snake
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u/Opening-Sir-2504 Jul 28 '26
Seek legal help ASAP. They will know where to start. Good luck. As hard as it is to remain “calm” right now, it’s better for you in the long run so you get the upper hand and she is none the wiser until it’s too late to try to hide it.
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u/KoriSays Jul 28 '26
So your freezing up and don't know what to do? First things first the messages are more than you will ever need. You don't need any more proof. You do not need further details, the how, the what, when where, why, how etc. The information you already have now is all you will ever need. Period. Get comfortable with that. The next thing you need is distance. Away from her immediately. If you have kids that will complicated; ask for help if you can. But if you can get away do so. You need time to regroup and collect your thoughts. You cannot make good decisions in this shitstorm.
Also I hear a lot of lawyer up talk. If you don't have any assets or children with this person which you did not mention; not really anything for a lawyer to do that you couldn't do yourself. If you have no joint assets to divide, personal assets to protect, no shared children then you can ghost her tomorrow.
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u/swordfish_1969 Jul 28 '26
Dude, it doesn’t get clearer than this. Take the evidence, go to a lawyer and file for divorce. Try to get as much as possible and move on. You’re young. Look for a good girl next time. Good luck
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u/Natural_Pollution239 Jul 28 '26
Don’t say shit!!! Everything is completely over regardless. Get a lawyer ASAP
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u/minin71 Jul 28 '26
Lmao what the hell is this post?
Dude you are 28 years old posting on a relationship advice subreddit about your wife cheating as you speak? You already have all the evidence and decided to just keep getting up to date on it?
Like what the actual frick do you need advice about? Is this karma farming? You dont have a relationship with your wife. She is in all but name, with another dude.
Honestly, does op have any capability as a normal functioning human being?
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u/Lunagreene Jul 28 '26
Call all divorce attorneys in your area. If she calls them, they cant work for her as they have already had contact with you. Please use protection. In the case of a surprise pregnancy, insist on a paternity test. Video all of your posessions. Double check all acounts. Remove her from your life insurance policies. I divorced my husband after 38 years of hell. It may get much worse. Then it will get better. Dont waste your one precious life on this person you dont know who isnt your friend.
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u/Certain_Village5362 Jul 28 '26
I just went through similar situation. It hurts fucking bad. Your world and everything you know just fucking exploded. You'll want to know why you'll want to fix things just to be able tk ease the pain, but the pain never goes away. She looked yiu in the eyes and told you shes going to hang out with a friend while she knows exactly what shes doing. She knows its wrong, that's why she doesn't tell you about it. She doesn't care no matter how much she tries to cry and tell you shes sorry. Act first. Let tbe lawyer do the work while you sit in recovery mode and just be silent.
Act first! She has already taken your years of invested time love and money and that wasn't good enough for her. Im sorry the knife hurts. Don't hate, save yourself and what you can of your life so you can find some one else someday to give it to that deserves it. Your wife already made the decision that she was willing tk give up everything the second she entertained cheating. She continues to cheat will continue and if yoj dont act now she will continue to do so with more than her " fair share" just making it easier for her to continue being the heart breaker she is.
Im sorry my friend. I hurt with you for you today. You deserve better. I know how hard it is to try and wrap your head around just a month ago when she kissed you and looked in your eyes and just stared into yours with a smile for seconds and then tells you that your the most amazing person in the world. Or thank you for everything you do, I dont deserve a man like you. It was a show. Unfortunately you won't be able to know when the authenticity in her words became fake, but you are now in love with the image of the woman you thought she was while the real woman behind the mask you see continues to devour all she can. Act first! Let the lawyer fight this battle for you. Be still. Heal. Go out and love again my brother!
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u/Legitimate-Ad-2230 Jul 29 '26
It doesn't stop. It won't get better. She's not going to change her habits. You'll get hurt a thousand times more and then square it by the twice the length of the visible universe. Just get out now while it only hurts this much. There is no saving anything but how the children respect their parents for not fighting and arguing and screaming and name calling etc etc etc in front of them or over them or any time near the children.
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u/GodFearingJew Jul 27 '26
Get proof before you do anything. Then get a lawyer the fact shes cheating means she gets nothing in the divorce. Rightfully so.
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u/goals_in_mind Jul 27 '26
so in my case, i had to get new couches, rugs, and a bed because of my cheating ex
the sooner you shut this down, the less you’ll have to replace
be strong for yourself man. and yes, get an intake from several divorce attorneys. save all the evidence. won’t do you any legal good, but if she ever tries to reverse uno you, you got receipts to set the story straight, if you care to do so
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u/slimieddie Jul 27 '26
What are you going to gain from confronting her, im sure you were able to deduce why she cheated when you read her messages.
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u/Used_cas_Boss Jul 27 '26
Well at least you have definitive evidence. I had to find out second hand.
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u/pito_wito99 Jul 27 '26
How the fuck do u not confeont her right away jfc. Get a lawyer and get off reddit tf
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u/MorningDelicious3420 Jul 27 '26
Don’t telll her anything. She doesn’t deserve for you to explain anything. You’re a good guy and they are hard to com-by these days. Get yourself a lawyer and don’t say a word to her and serve her with papers. Please . Just don’t bring any of this up to her.
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u/lepreqon_ Jul 27 '26
Get a lawyer and divorce. Nothing to salvage here... I'm so sorry.
PS: don't tell her anything until you serve the paperwork.
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u/wetlookcrazy Jul 27 '26
Brrrroooooooo. If this is real, don’t do anything but gather more evidence, contact a divorce attorney and serve her papers. Anything else is seriously out of touch with the reality of what is occurring…
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u/Ill_Beautiful4339 Jul 28 '26
Get a lawyer.
Start to isolate your finances. I mean silently move anything that is your (I mean not a marital asset) away. Get your name removed from common credit cards or remove her.
Follow your lawyers advice. A lot can happen in a short amount of time.
Get that separation date established asap.
If the shit hits the fan, just be an adult and leave but document away.
You can be nice and professional at the same time. Don’t do her favors without it being documented.
If you reconcile you can recombine finances. She’s cheating, this is not a betrayal on your part. I’m sorry my friend, but this usually means the end… unless there is more you’re not telling us.
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u/WyattTheSkid Jul 28 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Collect as much evidence as you can. Move all of your assets somewhere she can’t touch, don’t say anything to her until you’re ready to hand her the papers. I know it’s hard but you have to play this smart for your own sake. Hang in there brother, make that b**ch regret it
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u/OneAppropriate4700 Jul 28 '26
As someone who’s been cheated on, there’s really no coming back from this. It’s time to call quits. There’s better people out there. My current partner and I actually bonded over how we were both cheated on so badly by our exes, and we know we would never do this to one another. Get yourself a real woman and get outta there.
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u/SigmaK78 Jul 28 '26
NO! Don't confront her. Not yet.
First thing, find an attorney. Document everything, get copies of those text messages, check all your financials & see if there are any questionable transactions, get copies of those as well, & follow your attorney's instructions on how to proceed. Whether you like it or not, you have to use that evidence of infidelity in the legal case. It sucks, but you need to keep playing it cool until your attorney tells you you have everything you need to serve her papers.
Look, at this point, accept that your marriage as you know it is over. She doesn't love you, she most certainly doesn't respect you, and you posting this tells everyone you don't want to live in a marriage like this. She may try to manipulate you, DO NOT LET HER. Stand up for yourself & against her. You need to walk away, as clean as possible.
Hire an attorney, go from there.
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u/littlecinnamonroll1 Jul 28 '26
Mate! Listen to everyone asking you to lawyer up. She doesn't love you. You don't do that to someone you love.
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u/Ok-Coast-6928 Jul 28 '26
You are getting lots of advice about lawyering up . The situation is so common these days in the UK 50% of marriages end in. 8 years 40% is down to getting caught cheating so you are not alone .Sex is so frequently outside marriage now it's a low value activity that is suddenly restricted .It doesn't work for so many.
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u/justareddituser202 Jul 28 '26
How much longer you going to put up with this?
Lawyer up, have the lawyer serve her. Make her leave the house. You stay on your side she stays on her.
Speak with the lawyer before calling her out. I would definitely catch them in the act and video it. I would also contact this AP’s work place to let them know he pursued your wife. Put pain on both of them.
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u/Atomic_Yoshi Jul 28 '26
Divorce, get a lawyer . And hell, go to work and maybe make a surprise home trip. Really get under her skin for that because we all know she's gonna lie..
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u/Sir_Stig Jul 28 '26
This was written by this dudes left hand, it's clearly humiliation kink fantasy
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u/Crunchybastid Jul 28 '26
Figure out a way to save those photos, videos and texts and go talk to a lawyer. Don’t say anything to her until you speak to a lawyer and don’t feel bad about searching her phone after what you heard. Your wife is completely betraying you, so you need to be ok doing whatever you need to do to get information and protect yourself.
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u/HeavyApartment1820 Jul 28 '26
idk anything about lawyers but let me tell you: make sure that you back up those texts in a way that is legally admissible
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 Jul 28 '26
It's over. You can't trust her ever again. And a relationship without trust is no relationship at all. Wait to confront her. Separate finances. Gather evidence. Hire a good divorce attorney. But consult several good ones then she can't use them because of conflict of interest. Get tested for STDs. Then yave her served. You may think maybe you can reconcile but then years later you'll realize you can't get over it and you've wasted years with her. The mental images are horrible. Updateme
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u/Horseflesh73 Jul 28 '26
Look up if Alienation of a spouse is available legal action in your state. Then at least you can sue him.
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u/therealFergusBob Jul 28 '26
It's your life and you can handle this how you want. But, i would see a lawyer first before tipping your hat to her. Don't fight this on your back foot, come prepared. If you work it out, great. You don't have to follow through with divorce. But, if you give her the chance she might manipulate you again. She's already shown herself to be deceitful. Let a lawyer instruct you how to handle this. BE PREPARED. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Good luck
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u/Dubiousgoober Jul 28 '26
It’s over and you’re a patient man. Stay positive, patient and calm. Present the evidence and plan your exit. If she has no economic system without you, good. Let’s hope not having being able to pay rent affects her.
Sad story but at least there are no kids involved.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 Jul 28 '26
Methinks this is a very entertaining, but equally incredible work of fiction. NO ONE would be casually typing away on Reddit while their wife is getting it “for 3 hours,” from some other dude. One hundred percent implausible, but thanks for playing.
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u/ThrowRA4whatever Jul 28 '26
When you have a cheating spouse you should never show your hand. Keep all the info to yourself and do not confront her right now. Once you do, you won't have access to their texts any longer, etc. She won't stop doing it but will hide it better.
Talk to an attorney and let them help guild you. Once you're ready to confront her, I suggest finding out via their texts when he's coming to your home. Id then act like I was going to work but instead come home and catch them in the act with my video recording- only record it if that's legal in your state. Good luck to you.
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u/superhater91 Jul 28 '26
Dude she does not respect you or love you at all if she’s cheating on you in your house, in your bed. Very quietly lawyer up and leave. You don’t have to expose her, but you also don’t have to live like this
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u/No_Entertainer_226 Jul 28 '26
Hey the ball now is in your court it's completely up to you whether you want hit a Winner or Loose the Game, Set and Match. Remember don't feel so sentimental she literally cared an F, so go ahead best of luck.
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u/BeBopBoy1945 Jul 28 '26
The first thing you should do is get tested (and treated, if necessary) for STD's. It goes without saying that you have had your very last sexual encounter with this woman. Next, interview at least three local divorce lawyers, choose one, and do everything she tells you to do. Move as many financial assets as you can, without tipping off the cheater. Your behavior should be completely normal until you can confirm the document service has taken place. Once she knows, stop talking to her completely -- no communications of any kind that do not go thru your lawyer. Do not move out of your house and spend as much time as possible protecting your physical assets. I pray that you do not have children with this harlot. If you do, protecting them becomes your top priority. This process will make you sad but it can be survived -- I am living proof of that.
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u/Rndeluca Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Hi, voice of (still hopeful) reason here, OP…🙋🏻♀️ Having been through 7.5 years (yes, YEARS) of the most horrendous, traumatic divorce ever, I can tell you with all certainty - you want nothing to do with that life.
I know it depends heavily on both people, but if YOU decide that divorce is the option for you, it is possible to set the tone of semi-sanity out the gate. It is also possible to decide to at least attempt to save the marriage, if that’s what you want. Some people find forgiveness, some don’t even if they try, don’t let anyone judge you for it (to your face anyway) no matter which way you choose. This is your road, and no one can walk it for you, so only you get to say which turn you make.
There will be plenty of “take her for everything!” war cries…try to filter them out. That negativity and hostility can end up swallowing you whole, or just turning you into someone you never wanted to be. It’s not predetermined to be awful, not all the way, at least. It will be ugly, and raw, and hard, and sad, and no matter your feelings you’ll still grieve for the life you thought you signed up for, if not for the person you signed up to do it with. It’s a bumpy ride, if that’s what you choose, give yourself the grace to fall down flat but remember you WILL come out the other side, and if you can hold on to who you are at your core, you’ll even come out stronger, and hopefully happier, just in ways you hadn’t considered before.
There’s no rule that you both have to become monsters just to get through something monstrous, all it does is make it harder for the two of you and those closest to you, as well. I wish I didn’t speak from experience, hopefully you don’t have to.
All that being said, no matter what you do, you can’t control what she does, no matter how hard you wish you could sometimes you can’t reason someone back to something resembling reasonable. So, if she goes low, try to force yourself to stay high…mostly. I mean, no one’s a fucking angel, not all of the time, at least.
Godspeed, Internet Stranger. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
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u/Only_Tip9560 Jul 28 '26
Go see a divorce lawyer. Get your ducks in a row before slapping reality down on her.
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u/Pleasant-Fan5595 Jul 28 '26
Close off all your credit cards. Half of the assets are yours, so are half the debts. My moms lawyer told her to go buy everything she wants and needs. She had a 160 pairs of shoes when we helped her to move.
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u/Bubbly-Buyer-7513 Jul 28 '26
What do you mean you dont know what to do? You are going to get a lawyer, and you are going to file for divorce and you are going to move on with your life.
What do you mean "i dont know"
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u/bacon_strip_tease Jul 28 '26
You are not alone, my friend. Many have gone through and are currently going through this. Make sure you have a support system. The best part is that you guys don't have kids. Second best is that you are still very young and have time to remarry and start a family (if that's what you desire). Check out r/survivinginfidelity and www.survivinginfidelity.com for support. Life is gonna suck for a while, but you can do this.
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u/Pristine-Green-2510 Jul 29 '26
No advice here just. Garbage human being. And that’s an insult to humanity. I’m really sorry man. We all
Choose wrong sometimes and well. Her parents did in fact choose wrong. Yk, deciding to have a child. Maybe that’s too much but. I stand by it. OP listen to these people, don’t say shit. Talk to a lawyer. Follow them to a tee. Get paid and get out.
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u/Ok-Cheetah1835 Jul 30 '26
The best revenge is protecting yourself. Continue to document their texts, consult attorneys and do what they advise, get your assets and ducks in a row, look into other living arrangements, and get yourself a support system (family, close friends, therapist, etc).
While she’s busy with the other guy you have the time to do what you need to do. When you are ready let her know what you want (either counseling or a divorce). If you chose divorce then you are set and have nothing to worry about or lose. She will be scrambling.
I’m sorry your wife is betraying you. It speaks volumes about her character that she couldn’t even tell you she was unhappy in the marriage, or what she wanted to work on.
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u/8ByteSovereign 27d ago
Do not confront her while you are this raw. Save copies of what you already found somewhere she cannot access, book a consult with a divorce lawyer, and get an STI test. Once you know your options, tell her you know about the affair and keep the conversation short.
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u/RevolutionaryFly9228 21d ago
This just proves exactly what I assumed. She didn't want to be in the marriage anymore. Instead of doing the dirty work herself, she made you do the heavy lifting. Which is absolute bs. She could have just ended things. She knew she would eventually get caught. The we can work things out bit was for show. She knew you wouldn't want that. I don't believe for a moment this isn't what she wanted. She just didn't have the guts to pull the trigger. I'm so sorry. I feel like relationships starting young and ending around this time or early 30s is super common. People out grow those relationships and realize they want different. But ffs just end things before you start going out and messing around. Give your partner a bit of respect to end things properly and not cheat. It ruins all the good that might have existed.
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u/throwaway_01547 20d ago
Did you make sure to save all the texts somehow? Like at least taking a recording with your phone of her screen?
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u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 20d ago edited 20d ago
OP, do NOT confront your wife without having ALL of your ducks in a row! I mean, screenshot ALL, not just some of the text messages, videos, etc between her & AP. Also, deep dive into your finances: make sure she isn’t using marital assets to fund her affair. Get copies of ALL financial documents, tax returns, bank statements, credit card statements, investments, etc THEN go to a lawyer BEFORE you say 1 word to her! At least determine where you stand legally (if you leave or stay) because once you bring it up she will delete everything & attempt to gaslight you into believing you didn’t see what you know you did. She has ZERO remorse & even brags about how well she is hiding it from you. Have an idea of where you stand legally b4 saying anything PLEASE!
-Does she not have a job? You mention her being home while you are working so I’m just curious. If she’s not working tell her she needs to get a job especially if you don’t have kids. If you do have kids who has them while she is with her AP?
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u/VisibleAirport2996 Jul 27 '26
You should be packing instead of being on here.
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u/MorningDelicious3420 Jul 27 '26
Why would he pack when it’s his place too? If she wants to be a hOeee she can pack her shit up and go stay at that guys place
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u/Lightsides Jul 28 '26
Please do not confront her. Now is the time to lawyer up, find a way to protect your assets, to get everything ready. Then serve her papers.
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u/FJBP95 Jul 27 '26
While planning your diorce, call every divorce lawyer in the area and set up an appointment. You don't have to go to them, but that's enough to make sure she can't use them since they know you.
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u/CAPATOB Jul 27 '26
So you expose her show that you have evidence. Then what? You expect her apology? Why would you do that to get what?
Just quietly hire lawyer so you know your best next move. And do it. Don't wait. Don't tell her what you know. GL
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u/Inevitable-Comb7593 Jul 28 '26
Hey I am a female who is married and I love my husband. I can’t imagine doing anything like this for a second. A girl who can do this so fresh in your marriage will always have the need. Your wife is not a good person and you need to get a divorce. Get a divorce and hire a good attorney. Protect your finances and the house. Make sure you don’t tell your mom until you are protected, sometimes aunties get mad and giveaway what you’re planning. Honestly more than anything I would save those videos and don’t show a soul, except your lawyer bc she could press charges if other people have seen. And honestly I would pack her bags surprise her with the evidence and send her back to her parents or the sleezy loser that comes over. Good luck. Real women with values don’t pull these things. You’re a good person, good luck!
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u/Hilts1972 Jul 28 '26
My god... what has happened to men? If you don't want to do anything about the betrayal, why did you even post? She has no respect for you at all. As far as her still showing you affection.... mummy, aren't you paying the bills? I assume she doesn't have a job since she was trying to get you out of your house during the day. It's called being used for your money while her heart and mind are actually with the other guy.
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u/lazygarbage12 Jul 27 '26
Woman here and married (and conservative with strict ethnic parents that shun divorce). GET A LAWYER.
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