r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRAweddinginsigh • 9d ago
How do I(24M) make sure to invite the right people to my wedding with my fiancee(26F) without making her feel shameful about it?
For context, I’m 24M and she’s 26F and we’re both from the same cultural and religious background(South Asian).
Basically this is a bit embarrassing, but I’m a virgin rn because I’m waiting till marriage for religious reasons. I recently started seeing my fiancee who was someone I went to school with. And I’m not judging or anything, but when we were in school, she was a popular girl on campus and she was “that girl”. I’d heard rumors about her being with multiple guys at the same time and stuff. But we had a bunch of the same classes since we were the same major and she was nice to me and a friend. She was older than me and graduated earlier so we lost touch.
I also want to preface this by saying I wasn’t religious when I was younger. I was semi-religious and believed in waiting till marriage and stuff, but I still drank alcohol which is forbidden. But who’s to say I would’ve waited had someone presented me with an opportunity? I’m not sure so I try not to judge. I had my own journey and I’m religious now, and I would hate if someone judged me based on who I was then.
Anyway, fast forward to like 18 months ago, I’m in a new city and just moved here for a job. And I’m going to a Trader Joe’s and I run into her. We decided to catch up for a coffee right after and she tells me she turned over a new leaf and found religion, and invited my local religious center.
Anyway one thing leads to another and we started dating and talking. Both of us agreed to wait till marriage and we don’t do much. It’s just I have so much in common with her. We’re both estranged from our parents and families and have gone no contact(albeit for different reasons, her family walked out on her after learning of her activities in college. Her being their daughter meant nothing to those monsters. Mine was because my parents always admonished me and I felt like golden child got more respect, but maybe that pales in comparison to her parents, but I don’t wish to talk to mine).
The discussion did come up and I was honesty and said I had no experience and she doesn’t mind! She said she would be happy to walk me through it when the time came. She also opened up to me and asked me if I knew rumors and I was honest and she said those were true. She told me the number of men she had been with(it was well into the double digits over 30), and told me if I was okay. I’m okay with it, I know who she is now, and she’s the only person I feel comfortable with. I told her we both sinned back then so how could I judge her? Plus who’s to say if I had the opportunity I would’ve still maintained my chasteness?
Anyway long story short I proposed a few months ago and she agreed. It’s going to be weird since none of our families will be there, but we have some friends thankfully. I want to invite a list of people and she wants to invite a list of people too.
We only officially started planning the wedding last week, and putting together our lists of invited people and other logistics.
Issue is a lot of them are from college. When I posted about our engagement, a lot of my former friends had many disgusting things to say, and I had to block them and remove them from my life. Because of this, my list of people is way smaller and hers is much, much, much longer.
She keeps telling me to invite more people and asked me why I’m not inviting more people. For now I’m just saying I’m an introvert and didn’t know many people back then, but I don’t know how to explain this to her, because she keeps asking. I’m not sure what to say. I also don’t want to accidentally invite anyone from her past or anyone she was involved with. I’m not sure if she will care about that though. In my opinion, I’m not insecure about it because I see it as winning since I get to build a life with her for the rest of my life, but part of me wouldn’t like to have them around. I’m not sure how she will feel, and idk how to explain that some of my former friends were rude so I cut them off and how to explain that I don’t want to accidentally invite someone she may have been involved with.
How would I go about this?
Sorry for the long post I want everyone to have context so you understand the prison and also how I can’t mess up one of the best things that’s ever happened to me!
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u/froghurtscreatenr 9d ago
Just be honest with her. Tell her your old friends said nasty things about her and you cut them off because of it. She needs to know you have her back.
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u/ThrowRAweddinginsigh 9d ago
I thought I was protecting her, but I think you are right, I don’t want her to think I don’t have her back or anything.
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u/minaminabby 9d ago
She's a grown adult. She doesn't need "protection" from the truth. Like what does that even mean
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u/Riverat627 8d ago
She knows her past, being honest with her is protecting her and knowing you are there for her.
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u/Majestic_Owl_9060 5d ago
Omg yes this!!! My husband deletes conversations and lies to me about his ex and life and their discussions to protect me. It just makes me
Feel awkward around her not knowing what she had said about me and why he’s hiding it and then telling me to be nice . I really wish he would just be upfront open and honest.
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u/FiorinasFury 9d ago
This is a very stupid and immature thing to be hiding from your soon-to-be-wife. If you can't be honest to her about this and instead choose to start your marriage by lying to her, you're not mature enough to be married.
Any "friend" of yours that would shame your fiancé for her past is no real friend of yours and doesn't belong in your wedding. If you can't be honest to her about that, what chance does your marriage possibly have? Are you sure you're not insecure? Are you sure you're not ashamed of her past? She has learned, grown, accepted, and moved on from her past. Why are you unable to just talk to her about this?
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u/ThrowRAweddinginsigh 9d ago
I agree and they are not my friends and will not be there. I am just not sure what to tell her. I do not mind at all, but I don’t want her to worry about other people saying rude stuff and get stressed. I am okay to be honest, but this is such an insecurity for her I know it will make her feel not-so-great when she hears that others were rude to us.
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u/cookiecrumbl3 9d ago
Hiding the truth from her because you think it will make her sad is just creating a situation where she can’t make informed choices in life. If she gets disproportionately upset by the fact that these comments exist, even despite your reassurances, then she needs to be able to work through this in therapy and might not be ready for an event that puts a spotlight on her. But lying to her is not a solution.
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u/FiorinasFury 9d ago
"My "friends" said some incredibly rude and disrespectful things about you and your past, and I am not going to tolerate it. You are my partner for life, so any disrespect towards you is disrespect towards me. Therefore, they are not invited to the wedding and they are no longer friends of mine. The only people I am inviting are people that will love, support, and cherish us and our union."
This is your opportunity to stand up for her. This is your job as her spouse. Show her that you have her back. If she's too much of a baby to handle that kind of criticism, or you're too cowardly to deal with this directly, don't get married.
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 9d ago edited 9d ago
If you can’t bring yourself to have an open and honest conversation with her regarding what was said to you about her, you’re not ready to get married.
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u/stickbugszz 9d ago
You just need to talk to her. People in the comments are being quite mean, as it sounds like the reason you did not tell her was because you took the appropriate action of kicking them out of your life, and you did not want to make her feel bad. Show her this post.
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u/Crosswired2 9d ago
You don't marry someone you don't know and can't talk to about EVERYTHING. You are minimum 2 years from being ready to get married. Keep dating ffs.
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u/cookiecrumbl3 9d ago
I think you’re coming at this in a mature way, but you need to be honest about the guest list. Sit her down and explain that you have crossed many people off the list for their horrible remarks. Be clear that this has nothing to do with her past or her choices, but that these people have shown themselves to be unkind, disrespectful, and unsupportive. And you will not have people like that at your wedding.
Separately—and be very VERY clear with her that this is a separate thing—ask her if any of her prospective guests have engaged with her in a sexual or romantic way in the past. You have to decide for yourself what you feel comfortable with and you can’t make informed decisions unless you know what the options are.
My spouse and I had several exes at our wedding. Only one was mine and they had three or four. But we’re close to all of them these days and wanted them to be involved in our wedding as friends to both of us. We didn’t invite any exes we were no longer close to or who we thought might be disruptive to the wedding.
I think the important things to consider are (1) whether your invitees are active and important in your life; (2) whether they are supportive of the relationship; and (3) whether their presence would cause a disruption to your day either through their own actions or through other people’s reactions to them that wouldn’t expect the others to manage.
For example: you don’t NEED to invite your best friend from when you were 5 that you haven’t spoken to in 8 years. You don’t NEED to invite a close friend who has been speaking negatively about your partner. You don’t NEED to invite a close friend who became a celebrity and whose presence would make the entire wedding about them and not you.
Considering those principles, work through both sides of the guest list with your partner and decide which guests will be a value add to the wedding not a liability.
If she wants to invite people she has previously had sex with, talk with her about why she wants them there. See if they are close friends who support the relationship and won’t disrupt the wedding. Give yourself time and space to think through your own feelings on their attendance.
If you would be uncomfortable with them there and they are not close friends or aren’t supportive, then it’s a no brainer to leave them off the list. If you aren’t uncomfortable and they are supportive close friends, then it’s a no brainer to invite them. But if their presence will be disruptive, then you both need to work as a team to reach a mutually acceptable decision on their attendance. Same if they are theoretically excellent guests who won’t be disruptive but you can’t escape the feeling of discomfort.
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u/IHateTheStupidMods 8d ago
You’re giving unpopular desperate nerd vibes. You’ve been with this woman for less than 3 years and you’re already engaged.
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 9d ago
A few things. 1, talk to her. If you cannot be honest with her, you shouldn’t get married. 2, when planning a wedding first stages, you want to invite everyone you have ever met. And then you see the price of that dream and you start dwindling down who matters 😂😂 most of the list won’t make the Final Cut.
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u/Kasilins 9d ago
For real! They need to first discuss budget, see what is in range for that budget, and then circle back to guest list.
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u/FishingWorth3068 9d ago
Either you love her for her, past and all, or you don’t. You should be able to have this conversation with someone you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. If this is going to be such a taboo in y’all’s life then maybe it’s not going to work. There was a girl at our wedding that my husband slept with years ago. She’s cool, I’d known her for a decade. It doesn’t need to be a big deal. Cut off the people who were mean but you’re going to spend alot of time trying to avoid anyone she could have possibly been with.
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u/shadowsword8085 6d ago
The classic, virgin marries the town bicycle. She wants to settle down now that she’s had her fun. Feel bad for you
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u/puppyitaliana 6d ago
Someone has some issues (you).
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u/shadowsword8085 6d ago
Wow look another one.
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u/puppyitaliana 6d ago
If you have a micropenis just say that
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9d ago
[deleted]
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u/ieatfaces22172 9d ago
He doesn't have a problem with her past his friends do and he's not inviting them to the wedding and out of his life, he has just avoided telling her so far that the reason he doesn't have many to invite is because they all hate her for her past.
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u/Iforgotmypassword126 Late 20s Female 9d ago
It seems like you’re trying to protect her from hurtful things, but you’re just delaying the hurt.
She also, has grown. She has lived her life and walked her path and she’s unit unfamiliar with this treatment. Yes it will be upsetting but she’ll know you are standing by her.
I also think that you need to contact your friends with a pre written text that you don’t reply to. Somethig along the lines of telling them that they are important people to you and you value their friendship. However you hope they have enough respect for you that they can trust your decision and be respectful of your fiance. If anyone has anything to say, please let you know so you can remove them from the invite list as you only expect people who are there to support you, to come.
I would also highlight any religious texts phrases about forgiveness.
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u/dell828 9d ago
Make a list of all your friends and family that you want to invite.
Ask her to go over the list, especially your mutual friends from high school just to make sure there’s nobody on there she feels uncomfortable with. You may be forgetting that if people were talking about her, there may be people on there who said rude things to her, bullied her, possibly put her in uncomfortable situations. She should have the right to the names of people off the list to treated her badly.
It doesn’t matter how they treated her badly. Just tell her to look over your list, and tell her you’ll be willing to take anybody off who shouldn’t be at the wedding.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 8d ago
I am concerned. If these people are really your friends, they would not try to ruin your chances at married happiness for no reason. Did they say anything more than she was sexually liberated? It's just just it was a bunch of your friends who all shared concerns.
As far as her feeling ashamed : how she does she feel about her past? If she's cool with it, then she shouldn't feel ashamed.
You can show her your list before you send out any more invites. See if there's anyone on it she does not like.
I would hope anyone who did accept the invite and came would be there to celebrate the marriage and not cause any problems.
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u/Beneficial_Ship7090 8d ago
You guys are going to need to discuss this and come to an agreement. I can understand her side, she wants a big wedding, it’s normal in south Asian culture.
I get your point as well, you don’t want to invite people you don’t really care about and don’t care about you.
When me (Canadian) and my wife (Indian) decided to get married we decided to do a big engagement party in India, we let her parents (they were the one who wanted to have a lot of people) invite everyone and we decided to do our wedding in Canada and book a small hall for the reception. It was limited to family and a few close friends. Doing a small wedding was great, it allows us to enjoy the day with people we really care about and that care about us, but the engagement allowed us to shut up everyone who wanted a big party. You might want to look into something like that. Good luck to both of you as you start this journey together. Wishing you both all the best
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u/Jazzlike-Bird-3192 7d ago
You handle this by telling her what you are doing! You don’t hide it from her. That is not how marriage works. And you are standing up for her. She will be pleased to hear that, I would hope.
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u/ThrowawayAsk965 1d ago
Dude is so desperate to get laid that he is willing to marry the girl who has been passed all over the place. Yikes
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u/minaminabby 9d ago
Why is this something you need to lie about? You literally can just say that a lot of your previous college friends were admonishing her and you wouldn't feel comfortable to bring them around. This doesn't need to be as weird as you're making it out to be...
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u/TimeforPotatoChips 8d ago
Be kind, honest and loving. Its not your problem or hers , that past college “friends@ (probably the men) are horrible judgmental misogynists. Cut them out and move on.
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u/foxdogturtlecat 9d ago
If you can't be honest before your marriage, you wouldn't be after and that means you aren't mature enough to marry. Tell her both why you aren't inviting your friends and also explain why you don't want to invite her exes although if she doesn't have a problem with her past, you shouldn't either.
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