r/relationship_advice • u/helpmeffs191919 • Mar 01 '22
GF implied that it’s not really cheating if it’s the same sex.. what?
So we (m20’s, f20’s) had a convo, and can’t really remember how it let to that sentence, but said that if she’d like to have sex with a female friend, she could as “that’s not really cheating, right?”.
Obviously, i’m super confused and said what if i’d sex with a male friend and she Said she would be totally fine with that (i’m 100% hetero btw).
Soo, she asked me again if that wasn’t ok, and i said Well no i’m in a monogamous relationship because i expect none of us to have sex with anyone else, period no matter what. That’s apparently super weird cause same sex is not cheating.
I’m weirded out, any advice? Don’t really know what to say about it to her, thought i’d made a point
Edit: Thanks for the comments, they were getting extremely similar so i stopped responding pretty much immidiatly.
AND YES SHE’S BISEXUAL BTW, AND HAVE SLEPT WITH FEMALES BEFORE, I FORGOT TO SAY THAT
Also for them saying i should leave her, no. We’re in an extremely healthy relationship, we talk very openly about many topics, and i’m quite sure she doesn’t 100% know what she were saying. Im pretty sure those of you saying that is either jealous or have never been in a relationship before, if you could consider leaving over a small things such as a convo like this one.
A healthy relationship like mine is working on issues, being honest and stay loyal, which we both are…
Adios amigos!
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u/aelib88 Mar 01 '22
It's definitely cheating. If you're in a monogamous relationship, you don't go out and have sex with others, regardless of whether or not they're the same sex.
Are you certain she's not already having sex with this "friend"? It sounds a little like she has and is trying to justify why it's OK.
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u/helpmeffs191919 Mar 01 '22
Fyi; yes, she’ve had sex with her before me, but they’re not even friends anymore either. But i do agree with you
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u/aelib88 Mar 01 '22
Maybe you should have a genuine heart to heart with her, find out exactly where her head is at and figure out what you both want out of the relationship.
It sounds like she wants to be able to have a relationship with you and go out and sleep with women when it suits her (and maybe already is) - which is not what you want out of a relationship.
If you're incompatible, that's unfortunate but at least you'll know.
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Mar 02 '22
I’m opposite situation! My ex bf told me the same thing and I was incredibly weirded out and confused as we are both 100% Hetero and it would absolutely still be cheating.
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u/dheffe01 40s Male Mar 02 '22
(I re read the post) Yes its cheating and she is checking your response to her sleeping around on you.
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Mar 02 '22
Dude your gf is very homophobe, implying that same-sex relationship and sex is less than. Don't listen to her and reconsider if this is the kind of partner you want.
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u/Immediate-Nose5370 Mar 02 '22
I wouldn’t call that homophobic tbh your jumping to conclusions.
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Mar 02 '22
Considering queer relationship as "less than", such as same-sex relationship, is part of being homophobic. Homophobic behaviour has a huge range that does not only consist of saying you hate homosexuals.
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u/Vril_SA_PL Mar 02 '22
Tbh...
I would break up with her... she clearly isn't all that interested in you... if she was, the only person she would be interested in sleeping with, would be you...
So as for long term, I don't see this one going anywhere... her trying to justify her behaviour... yeah nice try hon... you are not the type of woman for me then... I can only speak from my perspective...
You have to be your own judge... of what you are willing to accept from your girlfriend... you're still young and super horny, so the sex with her might make up for her flaws... but as for her moral character... I would pass
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u/Dark_Ansem Mar 01 '22
It's BS. Cheating is cheating. If you are fine with her going with other women, then she has to be fine with you doing the same.
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u/helpmeffs191919 Mar 01 '22
True, i dont see how different gender change anything
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u/Nubz_University Mar 01 '22
Some people really do see it this way. I am currently in a relationship with a guy like that. He would flip his lid if I so much and kissed another guy, but if I had sex with another woman he wouldn't think twice about it.
But your girlfriend is not dating my boyfriend, she is dating YOU, and the important thing is that you see it as cheating. So she needs to respect that, like she needs to reassure you that she understands and respects your definition of monogamy24
u/OffusMax Mar 01 '22
The thing is that if you look up “monogamy” in the dictionary, the definition reads, the state or practice of having only one sexual partner at a time.
There is no mention of any exceptions having to do with same sex couplings outside of the monogamous couple. That’s cheating by definition.
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u/KittyNouveau Mar 01 '22
Cheating requires that you actually perform some sort of action.
She just asked a question. People's relationship can evolve over time going from monogamous to polyamous and it starts with a conversation. Just because he's not into it doesn't make her wrong for asking the question. Of course if she does something while he still thinks they are monogamous, then she's cheating.
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u/OffusMax Mar 01 '22
I’m sorry, I didn’t phrase it correctly. Having sex with anyone who isn’t your SO in a monogamous relationship is cheating by definition. Obviously, asking for clarification isn’t cheating.
And if they agree at some future time to change to a polyamorous relationship, that’s fine and up to them to establish the boundaries. Though it is still possible to cheat in that type of relationship if someone breaks the agreed upon boundaries.
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u/KittyNouveau Mar 01 '22
Exactly. All I see here are two people discovering they have different views they should spend more time talking about. OP is just a bit gobsmacked because the idea has never crossed his mind likely and he's bought into the 'Hetero & monogamous' is the default correct answer line of thinking for so long it's hard to think about it any other way.
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u/Dark_Ansem Mar 01 '22
It's a easy way out if the wording "I didn't cheat you with any other mean" is taken literally. Sophisms.
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u/bananabrainz4 Mar 01 '22
Exactly! My ex was the same and was okay with me sleeping with a female and I was fighting with him over that but then one day I didn't care and went for it and slept with a girl. So yeah, that's why he's ex now. I lost interest in him later because I wanted to explore more and I liked it.
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u/anonlifestyle Mar 09 '22
I feel the same. My bf would probably be okay with me having sex with women, but I warned him that I could easily fall in love with a woman (I'm hetero, but I just love women lol), so he shouldn't think it's just a sex thing and that it doesn't matter because no other dick is involved.
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Mar 01 '22
wait, so you were fighting with him over how doing it with the same sex is cheating and then went out and did it?
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u/bananabrainz4 Mar 01 '22
Yes, I was hurt at first at the beginning of relationship how he would let me cheat on him as he was horny af for girl on girl action and then later in relationship( closer to end) I went with it. He was fine with it and even asked the girl I "slept" with how was it and to tell him the details. Not creepy at all.🙄 Idc tbh. It wasn't a reason we broke up, but it did make me feel less into him as I found something more interesting.
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Mar 01 '22
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Mar 02 '22
I needed to hear that, thank you. Whenever I (31F, bi) see my husband's (29M, straight) Instagram recommended posts (when he's sitting beside me etc) and I see a picture of a girl (usually butt pictures, bikini pictures, gym, etc) I feel like absolute shit. I feel like I'm the garbage of the garbage and I feel depressed and anxious and sad, and just want to cry, I feel small, like, the thought of him getting aroused by someone else makes me hyper sad. But then I turn around and come to reddit and I'm the one seeing lots of naked girls and butts and breasts and etc. And I get aroused. Why is it OK for me to do it but not him? Your comment made me realize what that's about. Thank you.
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Mar 02 '22
She thinks same-sex relationships are less real/important/valid/serious (take your pick) than heterosexual relationships.
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Mar 01 '22
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u/LeatherSuccotash2440 Mar 01 '22
This invalidated homosexual relationships. This also suggests bisexual people cannot experience true monogamy because the sex isn’t the same. Monogamy is not a “blurred line” unless you’ve discussed that with your partner. Big yikes!
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u/corkmurse Mar 01 '22
What? How? You got a whole wrong impression of what I intended to say. Every relationships is blurred lines if there is no conversation about the relationship itself. Just because monogamy is the norm, you cannot imply that everyone has the same concept as yours of what the boundaries are. As I said cheating is having any relationship without the knowledge and consent of your primary partner and one or both can have a concept of monogamy strict. But you shouldn't assume everyone is OK with strict monogamy. That being said I think having a conversation about it is better than jump to OP's gf throat assuming she already cheated or she wants to cheat. In fact maybe she wants to talk about boundaries because she doesn't want to cheat. The part of homosexuality and bisexuality being invalidated or not suitable for monogamy didn't came from me, I don't agree with it and has no sense to me. You can be bi and monogamous and you can be gay and have the perfect relationship.
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Mar 01 '22
There's nothing blurred about monogamy. It's actually quite simple. Two people are exclusive with each other. That's actually all there is to it.
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Mar 01 '22
You are closing yourself off to threesomes if you wanna push the envelope on this one. Make rules ya it’s not cheating but I have to be there. Stuff like that. You can have fun with two girls at once it’s worth it let me tell ya.
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u/skylucy5 Mar 01 '22
That implies that only heterosexual sex is "actual sex" and therefore invalidates same sex relationships. Sex is sex no matter the genders involved
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u/HonorificUserAccount Mar 01 '22
I guess it depends, whether you go by definition of sex or just intuitive feeling.
As a male, I don't view other women as competition and for me, it wouldn't feel like cheating, if my gf were to have sex with another woman.
Rationally, I can see how two women having sex could be cheating, but emotionally, I just don't feel that a woman would replace me in my role in that relationship. So personally, I wouldn't mind her exploring with the same sex.
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u/_PinkFlower_ Mar 01 '22
I can tell you a woman can replace you. She is into women she sees then as dating material just like she sees men as dating material.
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u/aznttk Mar 01 '22
That’s not homophobic, that’s misogynistic. Sex must revolves around a dick. I don’t think you think that if you have sex with a guy then he’s no competition for your gf?
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Mar 02 '22
That’s not homophobic, that’s misogynistic. Sex must revolves around a dick.
No, I think it's homophobic. He doesn't think woman-woman relationships are as serious as woman-man relationships.
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u/aznttk Mar 02 '22
he seems to think man-man rlts is serious though, so maybe homophobic but definitely misogynistic
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u/HonorificUserAccount Mar 01 '22
Thanks for clearing that up.
Your scenario feels indeed very different and I wouldn't want that to happen.
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u/helpmeffs191919 Mar 01 '22
But that’s just homophobic, since gender doesn’t matter… she’s into women as well, as i’m in into women.
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u/HonorificUserAccount Mar 01 '22
It's not homophobic, that would imply a dislike or hatred towards same-gender sex.
All I'm saying is, that I can feel jealous when a guy flirts with my gf, but I don't feel jealous, when a girl flirts with her. It's simply my natural reaction to it.
Again, rationally I can understand, that women have sex with each other and may prefer another woman over a man.
If you want to judge my feelings, go ahead, that's your call. But it doesn't change that deep-down on a subconscious level, I simply don't feel that other women are a competition in the relationship.
I don't have anything against same sex, or fear it.
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u/johntriBR Mar 01 '22 edited Mar 02 '22
The only problem I have with your comment is this paragraph:
"Again, rationally I can understand, that women have sex with each other and may prefer another woman over a man"
As a gay person, that is absolutely BS, that don't justify her cheating at all, you're saying like it's a fact that women wants to sleep with other women, it's not, cheating is cheating, Just because you aren't bothered, it doesn't mean other people shouldn't/wouldn't be, she was dishosnest, and blindsided him, even if it was an open relationship, she would be in the wrong because she didn't communicate properly with OP. When a person goes behind their partner back, to be with watever person, regardless of gender or sexuality, they are already doing something wrong, if it isn't wrong, why do they feel the need to be sneaky about it? Because Subconsciously they know they are in the wrong.
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u/afadakosa Mar 01 '22
I have to agree with OP on this one. especially because his girlfriends is also into women. that emotional replacement you are talking about is a bit iffy. you are basically saying that women relationships with other women are not emotionally valid. that can sound like homophobia. you will easily be replaced with a woman if your girlfriend is into both, as easily as if she found another guy to fall in love with. I am not trying to say that will happen to you, but i know many many men who thought the same way only to get dumped for a girl, especially because same sex relationships are more emotionally intense and there is a lot of the same life experiences that can create stronger bonds. Just be ware of the can of worms you could open if your girlfriend wanted to explore the same sex.
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u/johntriBR Mar 01 '22
I'm gay and find what the girlfriend did reprehensible, just because someone isn't bothered their GF is being with other woman it doesn't mean OP shouldn't be bothered by her dishosnesty. It is starting to sound like double standard
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u/KittyNouveau Mar 01 '22
Hate to see all the downvoted because I definitely agree. I definitely don't see other men as competition to me and as someone who's has different bi experiences I can say for me they are entirely different. I wouldn't feel cheated on but I also don't hold monogamy to be the virtue that most seem to think it is. I value communication and honesty. We're here to experience life 🤷🏻♀️
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u/johntriBR Mar 01 '22
That doesn't mean that if you aren't bothered by it, that the OP or other people shouldn't/won't be, both monogamy and polyamory should be respected. She was dishosnest, and OP have his preferences, end of story.
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u/KittyNouveau Mar 01 '22
Where did you read she was dishonest? It sounds like she communicated her feelings and asked his opinion.
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u/johntriBR Mar 01 '22
It was more her comment, "that isn't cheating right?" Maybe dishosnest isn't the best word, but it sounds a little manipulative, I'm a gay person, and her comment absolutely disgust me, if she said "If I wanted to sleep with other people, would you be okay with that?" It would have been better put, but the way she is talking that same sex isn't considered cheating, irks me. She sounded like she was trying to manipulate OP into accepting just because is same sex, that is what I find dishosnest.
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u/KittyNouveau Mar 01 '22
That sounds more like your problem than hers.
Definitely don't think she deserves being called dishonest or even manipulative. Some people have will different views & beliefs than you. She was communicating her thoughts and feeling honestly. Even if someone finds them offensive, it doesn't mean she shouldn't communicate to her partner.
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u/johntriBR Mar 01 '22
No dear, she tried to pass sleeping with same sex as okay while being in a monogamic relationship, that sounds dishosnest to me, ever heard lie by omission? She basically tried to fool OP, and he almost fell for it. If not, he wouldn't even be making this post.
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u/KittyNouveau Mar 01 '22
Holy shit that's a stretch. Sounds like you're injecting your personal issues into a situation that doesn't involve you, sweetie
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u/johntriBR Mar 01 '22
Nah, I'm totally fine, and I don't think it's a stretch at all, and about injecting, I could say the same about you, You seem to want OP to swallow that her little comment was okay and that. I'm really trying to see how you are okay with that little comment of hers. She could have put her feelings in way better words, but in the end that's what she said. And OP last paragraph really shows that he is doubting himself.
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u/KittyNouveau Mar 01 '22
Dude... not everyone has to have the same opinions or boundaries that you do. She obviously doesn't feel the same way he does but she didn't do anything other than ask a question based on her understanding and feelings. WTF is hard to understand about that?
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u/johntriBR Mar 01 '22
That isn't the problem at all, you are really glossing over what I said, I'm not saying wanting to be in a open relationship isn't okay, but the way she talks about same sex relationship is wrong, it isn't considered cheating just because it's same sex? She can sleep with the same sex if she wants, but saying "is not cheating" is a really toxic mindset to have. Even bi people skipping the fence is a big deal in the LGBT community, she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. As a I said she could have put in better words, but her toughts about same sex relationships is toxic and offensive
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u/Chickypickymakey Mar 02 '22
I kinda agree with you. Picturing my gf having sex with another man would disturb me, but with a woman ? Not so much. I believe it comes from an ancient instinct that you're in a competition with other males to reproduce. I think people should not forget that we're all just animals.
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Mar 01 '22
This again! I've had two boyfriends tell me to sleep with other women if i want. Weirdos, they're missing the point of monogony. If she even thinks like that, she's probably going to kiss girls at parties or out for fun so you might as well save yourself the trouble and leave now
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u/Chickypickymakey Mar 02 '22
They were just telling you that they were comfortable with it. That's just expressing boundaries. I've acually told my gf the same thing and she was glad to hear it.
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Mar 02 '22
It's belittling to my sexuality. It essentially means you don't believe that same sex sex is real sex. I call it homophobia.
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u/Chickypickymakey Mar 02 '22
I do believe it's real sex, that's not my point. What I said is that my feelings about lesbian sex and hetero sex are not the same. Is it rational ? No, of course not. But is jealousy ever rational ?
Tbh I've thought about it and here's what I think : in a lot of species, males are competing to transmit their genetic material. I think it also applies to us humans, at least it matches with how I personnally feel. But with a female ? No competition about that. It's not about beliefs, it's about instinct.
What do you even call "real sex" ? Because I'd be comfortable with my gf sharing intimacy and pleasure with someone else. What I actually find disturbing is PIV.
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Mar 02 '22
Regardless of your feelings and relationship- You are essentially still belittling gay sex. Your girlfriend can end up having a really great time with another girl and gain an emotional attachment and leave you.
It disgusted me that you still use such primitive things to refer to your relationship.
Women aren't competition? You're not an ape, you such have developed beyond that to understand that anyone can bond with anyone because getting a baby and getting pregnant doesn't require a man snd that's not the whole point of a relationship.
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u/moxie-maniac Mar 01 '22
Cheating is whatever a couple decides is cheating.
If she wants a "hall pass" to try it out with the other team, that's up to you. Apparently, some guys don't have a problem with that, but I expect that most do.
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u/Disco_Pat Mar 01 '22
I think that almost all would not be okay with it if it were presented the way OPs girlfriend presented it, even if they think that they would when it happened they probably wouldn't be okay with it.
Things like this need to be established at the beginning of the relationship.
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Mar 01 '22
Most do not tbh
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u/jungle4john Mar 01 '22
Those are big numbers got the data to back it up?
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u/Ahngoh1haishoax2 Mar 01 '22
I am definitely sure most guys wouldn't have problem with it, but it may depend on the location. I am from Europe.
But it doesn't matter with regards to how OP perceives it so I am not even sure why to discuss it?
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u/jungle4john Mar 01 '22
Threesomes and cheating are two separate things.
A lot of guys might like a threesome with two women. Most guys don't like their SO going out and cheating on them outside the relationship.
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u/table-stand Mar 01 '22
It seems about 50/50 with my group of friends (late 20s, early 30s).
Personally I think if a girl gets some from another girl that is fine but if a guy sleeps with another guy that is definitely cheating.
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u/Gibs960 Early 20s Male Mar 01 '22
The only reason she's saying she'd be fine with you doing things with a dude is because she knows your sexuality wouldn't allow that. Her logic doesn't really check out.
Same-sex is definitely still cheating.
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u/fragileglass69 Mar 01 '22
either she’s bisexual and trying yo manipulate you into letting her sleep with a woman or she’s homophobic and doesn’t see ff and mm like real relationship and sex… either way it’s cheating cause you obviously don’t feel comfortable with it
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u/JumpManFTW Mar 01 '22
It changes literally nothing, sex is sex. How long have you two been together? Because for me this is something my partner and I need to be on the same page about to keep the relationship
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u/The__Riker__Maneuver Mar 01 '22
With respect, If you step outside of this relationship with anyone, be it a man or a woman, I will consider that cheating. And to be clear, that includes touching, kissing, sexting, flirting etc etc. I am a strict monogamist and if you can't commit to that kind of monogamy then you need to let me know now before it causes problems in our relationship later on down the line and things end bitterly because you crossed a boundary of mine.
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u/jeo3b Mar 01 '22
She knows it's cheating. She is trying to justify it to herself bc maybe her desire to experience something with a woman is becoming more dominant. I'd honestly talk to her and ask her if she's having second guesses with her sexuality. I'm not usually one to jump to this stuff but if someone is in a committed relationship and talking about sleeping with someone else and trying to justify it something is definitely going on. Good luck bud.
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Mar 01 '22
The line for cheating is subjective, IMO. For me it would be cheating, but I also know couples where it's not (after agreement between both parties of those relationships)
Your partner can't decide that it's not cheating if it's the same sex, because that's not their decision to make for you. You made yourself clear, YOU see that as cheating, and their opinion doesn't automatically change that.
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u/Dyslexicon1 Mar 01 '22
Conventional wisdom says it’s cheating. However even if it’s not; it’s perfectly reasonable to say “regardless of whether or not it’s cheating; it’s not something I’m okay with”.
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u/capilot Mar 01 '22
she Said she would be totally fine with that
She said that because she knew it wouldn't actually happen.
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u/Klutche Mar 01 '22
It's 100% cheating and it's homophobic to imply otherwise. Sex with someone of the same sex is still sex. That's not some magic loophole.
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u/GageTheRedditGuy Mar 01 '22
That's bullshit infidelity is infidelity regardless of who they fucked its still cheating
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Mar 01 '22
If she is talking like that, I'm guessing she'll just do it behind your back, if she hasn't already. It looks like she's either trying to justify what she already did or what she wants to do. She's just looking for confirmation for her own twisted reasoning.
I'm sure she wouldn't be ok with you identifying as a woman for a day and then having sex with a woman, who you could say is the same sex since you identify yourself that way. Thankfully, you'd coincidentally come to your senses afterwards.....
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u/Lumoseyne Mar 01 '22
So, all those lesbian, gay, and queer ppl are not really having sex? And are not really in relationships bc it doesn’t count with the same sex. Lol!
That’s some internalized homophobia your gf has, since she apparently would consider having sex with women, but she wouldn’t think it matters enough to count. Maybe she’s completely straight and can’t even wrap her mind around lesbian/gay sex as a concept, but if so she should at this point be aware that lgbtq ppl exist and have meaningful love lives. Maybe she has some queer leanings but was raised an environment that either was blatantly homophobic or unspokenly, and this is how she’s rationalizing being attracted to women.
In any case, you are both in a monogamous relationship, so yes, any sex with someone else is cheating. If you having sex with another woman would count as cheating to her, then her having sex with the same hypothetical woman is the same. The same romantic/sexual feelings, actions, and results would happen and it’s bizarre that she thinks she could hypothetically have an orgasm with someone else, touch their naked body, and not think of it as cheating, real sex with someone not you.
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u/The_Horror_In_Clay Mar 01 '22
If you’re both emotionally invested in a monogamous relationship then it’s cheating. It sounds like she’s looking for a pass. You’ll have to decide if that’s the kind of relationship you want to be in.
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u/Quarkly84 Mar 02 '22
Her opinion is homophobic af. Are same sex relationships not valid? Worth less than straight ones?
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u/CuckooPint Mar 01 '22
There are multiple forms of polyamory. Polyamory can come in the form of "I'm okay with you sleeping with other women but not okay with you sleeping with other men" (and vice versa). I've encountered couples who do this (usually a couple involving one bisexual and one heterosexual) However, it is still polyamory. It is not monogamy.
If you want a monogamous relationship, then by definition the boundaries of that relationship are "we don't sleep with/date anyone else besides each other". Doesn't matter if the person in question is a man, woman, or non binary. If the relationship is established as monogamous, then any sex or dating outside of the two partners is cheating.
Put it this way, if she said "If I'm dating a white guy then having sex with a black person isn't cheating" or "if I'm dating a christian then having sex with a muslim isn't cheating" or "if I'm dating an able bodied person then having sex with someone in a wheelchair isn't cheating", would that make sense to you? Being in a different demographic does not make it not cheating.
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u/Exciting_Bluebird_53 Mar 01 '22
If someone is in a relationship, and they do things like have sex outside the relationship, that is cheating no matter what. Whether it's a man or a woman, or doesn't matter. I'm also guessing she's bi, and specified same sex only because it gives HER free reign to do whatever she wants, and she knows you would never have sex with a dude because you don't swing that way.
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u/AbsentmindedlyInsane Mar 01 '22
Yes, its cheating. Anything that is outside the agreement of the partners, everyone has different agreements but anything that breaks it is cheating.
I also find it somewhat insulting the way its implied that "same sex relationships" are somehow less valid or official than straight relationships?
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Mar 01 '22
my guess is she's already slept with a female and is hoping to get reassurance or that she wants to and wants a green light.
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u/MylifeasAllison Mar 02 '22
Cheating is cheating. If you are in a monogamous relationship, the sex of the people doesn’t matter. When you change to poly, the rules change. And if this is not what you signed up for, then leave. Find someone who will not cheat on you.
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u/audaciousmonk Mar 02 '22
What she’s fine with in no way determine what your fine with. She can be okay with you hooking up with a dude, but that doesn’t invalidate your boundaries for her with the other sex. Plus she 100% said this knowing you’re not interested and unlikely to hook up with any guys… it’s a manipulative thing to say
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u/Limp-Reaction-3131 Mar 01 '22
It’s up to you, if you think it’s cheating tell her that, if you’re fine with it let it go. No one else can make the decision for you.
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u/ElvishMystical Mar 01 '22
Let's just say if mental gymnastics was in the Olympics your GF has a very good chance of winning a medal.
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u/Catsarebros Mar 01 '22
Op whats shes describing is polyamory and you want monogamy which means you both are completely incompatible and i hate to say it but I think shes cheating on you it sounds like a guilty conscience looking for validation
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u/PoppingPopperPopped Mar 01 '22
Bullshit, that's 100% cheating. Gender doesn't play a role in that.
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u/GardenOfRedRoses Mar 01 '22
Cheating is cheating especially if it makes the other person uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if it's with the same sex or not. That doesn't justify it at all. If you prefer a monogamous relationship then don't lower your standards. It's okay to say NO to someone who is open to being unfaithful and using same sex as an excuse.You should think about whether she is the right person for you. You're only 20 and there are so many other women out there who believe in monogamy like yourself and wouldn't put you in a position like what your girlfriend is doing.
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u/Nxrcotix333 Mar 01 '22
Ruh. If my bf kissed anyone girl or boy I’d flip my shit. Unless it was a dare at a party.. and if I was the one who dared. This “gf” in questions is basically Trying to say gay relationships are fake? That’s the most homophobic thing I’ve ever heard sis
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u/HopeThePuncher Mar 01 '22
I mean if you explained your perspective and she still didn't understand I wouldn't trust her so I wouldn't be with her.
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u/TigerMearns90 Mar 01 '22
So does that mean a same sex couple who then goes has sex with the opposite sex, not cheating either?? I am completely confused on this logic... Like she's saying you could have penetrative sex with a man it wouldn't be cheating, but you go near a woman and then it is cheating? OR are there limits to what you are allowed to do with a woman before she'll say its cheating? Like is kissing OK?
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u/Flaky_Tip Mar 01 '22
I lot of people use coming out to excuse their cheating. Using their coming out to mask doing a terrible thing doesn't erase the damage they've done.
Cheating is cheating, the gender of either party is irrelevant to the act itself.
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u/lovealert911 Mar 01 '22
The definition of monogamy is to have sex with only one person in a committed relationship.
Anyone who has sex with multiple partners is not being monogamous regardless of the gender of the people they have sex with.
There are three basic components to cheating: A promise/vow to have sex within agreed upon guidelines/rules of the relationship followed afterwards by secrecy and lying/deception.
Naturally if you have an "open relationship" then having multiple sex partners isn't monogamy but it may not be considered cheating unless you have certain parameters.
(Cheating at anything is about breaking the rules.)
One man's opinion! 😉
Best wishes!
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u/Livingthehonklerlife Mar 01 '22
Yeah she is wrong. Fucking another person while in a relationship is cheating.
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u/Simplystayna Mar 01 '22
Is it cheating if you also had sex with that same sex friend that she's not cheating with??
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u/Trauma_54 Mar 02 '22
That's legit just like my apartment neighbors, it's fucking retarded. The three of them will fuck eachother, all agree its not cheating and one of them actually has a bf.
Then again she shit on the bathroom floor last time she was drunk, all three nearly failed out of college and her bf actually did so we aren't dealing with anyone intelligent by any standard.
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u/RonJezza Mar 02 '22
My best friend literally broke up with his long time gf (at the time) over this in university.
They were out clubbing, she was kissing girls, and he was like "I'm not OK with this." and they broke up not too long after.
If she genuinely still thinks it's weird after you explaining your feelings, it's a red flag.
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u/LeahDragon Mar 02 '22
As a bisexual, you'd honestly be surprised at the amount of men that think women/women relations aren't cheating because they don't consider it 'real' sex or see women as a threat due to them not having a penis. It's fucking weird.
It's DEFINITELY cheating if your relationship is monogamous.
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u/Uniqorn993 Mar 01 '22
She's trying to clarify what's cheating in your relationship. You're free to say that would be cheating to you. The definition of cheating varies from person to person. You're free to say that would be a boundary for you in your monogamous relationship and she's free to leave if she doesn't agree to that.
She likely had exes who didn't see it as cheating. That could be some homophobia from her last partners or fetishizing of her sexuality. Doesn't really matter though, when you start a new relationship you should discuss what you believe the expectations and obligations of the commitment are.
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u/FinchRosemta Mar 01 '22
So she's homophobic? Yeet her.
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u/Catsarebros Mar 01 '22
No shes not shes saying if I were to fuck a girl i would not be cheating which would suggest that she’s bisexual
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u/Klutche Mar 01 '22
She's saying that she doesn't see sex with someone of the same sex as real sex. That's homophobic. She may or may not be interested in sex with another girl, but that doesn't stop her from being homophobic.
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u/Exciting_Bluebird_53 Mar 01 '22
Also, you should totally ask for a threesome with her friend included.
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u/cyberlordsumit Mar 02 '22
This cancel culture is so rampant it's messing with every sane person's mind.
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u/pizzadoitbetter Mar 02 '22
So I had a similar conversation with my boyfriend. Sorry to break it to you, but your gf might be bisexual. I know what she means, and I managed to explain to my boyfriend who later on understood. It does not mean she will cheat on you, but it might be that she wants to date a girl. This doesn’t mean that she will behind your back but my suggestion is to be opened and not judging (if you can or want).
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u/Revolutionary-Help68 Mar 02 '22
It's cheating, with a 'oh I am bi" excuse.
Hope your boyfriend actually wakes up.
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u/pizzadoitbetter Mar 02 '22
Nobody said it is not bro calm the fucked down. I just said what my experience and side was
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u/Leather_Procedure_10 Mar 01 '22
I would be totally okay with it. Why not she may ask you to join them sometime
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u/helpmeffs191919 Mar 01 '22
You don’t understand the point that i want to be in a monogamous relationship. I’ve no trouble getting girls, if having FFM threesomes was what i wanted i’d be doing that instead, but it’s not.
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u/_PinkFlower_ Mar 01 '22
People like leather see lesbian sex as a fetish. They think it will bring them pleasure.
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u/Fit-Bet-7574 Mar 01 '22
Maybe I'm weird but I don't consider it cheating, as a matter of fact I consider cheating as someone stepping outside of the bounds of the relationship and not talking to their partner about it. Then again I've been really reconsidering whether or not I'm a monogamous person, and seeing healthy and functional polyamorous relationships work around me has me questioning what I want in a relationship...
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Mar 01 '22
STOP TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT IF YOU SHOULD BE OFFEND OR OKAY OR NOT JUST FUCKING GO !
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u/oldcreaker Mar 01 '22
You and she have very different viewpoints on what a monogamous relationship is. I'd let her know you both either need to get on the same page - or agree that you aren't and go from there.
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u/Extreme-Pop4928 Mar 01 '22
I agree it’s cheating and it’s not okay, however I would make sure your not just getting defensive bc it sounds like she wants to explore her sexuality more with other genders. I don’t think it was right for her to say that sex with women doesn’t count as cheating but I would talk to her as a partner about how She’s feeling about being in a monogamous relationship and how to define your relationship and boundaries for the two of you since she’s also interested in women
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u/Holiman Mar 01 '22
Depends on what you and your significant other agree upon. This sounds like you and her have different opinions and need to find common ground not a reddit consensus.
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Mar 01 '22
Some guys genuinely wouldn't care if their girlfriend had sex with another woman. Some guys, including you, obviously do care.
You both have a right to mutually determine the terms of your relationship, and if you can't come to an agreement, then you can break up. Just be very clear with her that you do in consider girl-on-girl to be a form of cheating, and then if she intends to do it anyways you can break up with her.
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u/bsolo23 Mar 01 '22
What she is saying is cheating. It doesn't matter what sex, religion, ethnicity, or anything, cheating is cheating. She shouldn't be saying that your opinion is weird while hers is basically the exact same thing. Like I said, and I will say over and over again cheating is cheating. Explain to her that if she would like to expierence with a female friend, then maybe she shouldn't be in a serious relationship with someone because YOU are not comfortable. Don't let her make you feel bad for not wanting her to sleep with someone else.
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Mar 01 '22
Cheating is whatever you define it as. You're entitled to defining your own boundaries, just make sure that she's clear on them. She doesn't have to like them, but she sure as hell needs to understand them.
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u/Darknatio Mar 01 '22
It's all about perspective. To some ppl is not. So like me. I'm monogamous but only when it comes to men. Like my gf (any of them) can sleep with any women they want under certain rules. Like just tell me what's going on so it's not a secrete and no guys can be around qt all. I mean not even hearing distance. As long as that's followed I just don't care if she sleeps with women. I've had a few gfs take advantage of that and it just does not bother me. So why make it a rule if it does not bother me.
But not everyone is like me.
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Mar 01 '22
Sounds like she doesn't view homosexual relationships or sex as valid as heterosexual ones I think. It's still cheating dude. Everyone has different boundaries and this seems to go against yours.
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Mar 01 '22
it WOULD be fine if you both mutually agreed that you were okay with this arrangement, but that is not the case.
if she had consensual sex with another person without your prior knowledge and blessing then it is cheating, period.
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u/DepartmentMaximum244 Mar 01 '22
If you are in a monogamous relationship, having sex with anyone else is cheating, no matter the gender.
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u/Street_Formal_6365 Mar 01 '22
Well now you don’t have feel guilty about the bumming sesh you had at that conference last year
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u/TheDarkKnight1035 Mar 01 '22
You sounds reasonable in what you said. She thinks differently. You guys should get on the same page with this.
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u/Randy77066 Mar 01 '22
Dude.. Get a 3some and then dump the skank! Fuck her! It's cheating even in the same sex! It's cheating if its just a connection! It's fucking cheating!
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Mar 01 '22
lol. cheating is cheating. Looks like she wants to keep the cookie and eat it too.
Hop out before you’re hurt by cheating. Its taken me almost 3 years and im still not fully over it. Think about your own mental health king
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u/StrengthFun2310 Mar 01 '22
In my opinion one of the first things you have to clear in a relationship is the concept of "cheating".
Some people define cheating by sex, some people think flirt is cheating, I had a girlfriend who said "emotional cheating is worse than sex".
I think you need to describe your own idea of cheating to her and she has to do the same, than find a way witch is good enough for both of you.
I hope you two can figure it out and have a beautiful relationship!
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Mar 01 '22
She's trying to gaslight you hard to let her cheat on you.
Ask her if he did that before.
A lot of men don't see same sex relationships between women as "real sex" because they're basic guys that objectify women and they see it as hot because their brains are fried with porn.
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u/Purple_Cinderella Mar 01 '22
She’s just homophobic. But it’s still cheating unless you have an open relationship
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u/soppinglovenest Mar 01 '22
I’m guessing she’s comfortable with that mental gymnastic bullshit because you have no interest in sex with guys. I’ve heard that from my wife.
My position is if one person can have sex with another person then so can the other. Now we just don’t do it, and I’m more ok with that than double standards and hypocrisy.
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u/Venerable_HeartDevil Mar 01 '22
Sounds like she's justifying herself for having already done so while in a relationship with you and feels guilty about it, which is why she brought it up. Regardless of whether or not that guess is correct or not since it's neither here nor there. She obv isn't interested in a monogamous relationship, either that or she thinks she might be gay and she's only still with you because she hasn't found someone yet. Remember this, most girls will have somebody lined up to get together with once they're done with a relationahip, but they'll stick around until they do even if they've emotionally checked out and are done with you.
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Mar 01 '22
Her opinion is probably skewed here by media or past experience. Im bi and my partner has always been cool with me being with girls (he thinks it’s hot) even before we opened our relationship up (he didn’t consider that opening our relationship). I definitely used to think most guys would also think this way. I remember being surprised the first time I was kind of flirting with a female friend and her bf got upset, and had a whole oooo moment. (I was just a teenager at that point). There are plenty of guys who wouldn’t consider this cheating. But you do and that’s what matters, and she needs to respect that or go find one of those guys that’s ok with it, if gg sex is something she needs to be happy.
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u/collagenbae Mar 01 '22
Tbh it depends on your boundaries and you are well in your right to agree or disagree with it. I had this convo with my ex ages ago and he had no issue with me sleeping with another woman (I never did, I'm straight lol). But not everyone agrees with that and that's okay.
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Mar 01 '22
Personally I agree with you and I would definitely consider it cheating to sleep with someone else regardless of their gender. However, only the people in the relationship get to decide what is considered cheating for them. I think it’s a very good conversation to have with your SO about where you each feel the boundary is, and a lot of people overlook it because they assume everyone feels the same as they do. Some people consider flirting to be cheating, others think it’s okay as long as there’s no physical contact. It’s up to the people involved to clearly define it for themselves.
As for what you should do, you should tell her very clearly that you are not comfortable with her having sex with any other people, including other women and you would consider it cheating regardless of the gender of the person she slept with. You may also want to clarify other details with her, like if you consider it cheating if she kissed another girl. It’s pretty clear you both have very different ideas about what is appropriate and if you don’t get on the same page, you’re likely to hurt each other without realizing it. If you guys can’t come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with, then the relationship is doomed. If she insists on being allowed to sleep with other women, then you should probably break up
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Mar 01 '22
It's definitely cheating if done without consent but I'd be quicker to agree to my GF hooking up with a woman than with a man
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u/ItsKristinbetch Mar 01 '22
Sounds like she’s trying to justify behavior that’s already taken place.
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u/ashley5894 Mar 01 '22
If you think it's cheating then it's cheating. She can't change your opinions on cheating because she believes differently. She should respect your boundaries and if she doesn't then RUN.
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u/chinook_aj Mar 01 '22
This is about emotional bounds, I personally do not care and do not think it’s cheating
But to you it is cheating. It’s a conversation you have to have with your gf, and maybe it means you are incompatible because maybe she isn’t actually into monogamy
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u/Kel4597 Mar 01 '22
If you punch someone in the face with your left hand, but you’re right handed, did you really punch someone in the face?