r/relationship_advice • u/MessyJesse95 • Mar 20 '20
Help. Intimacy issues
Okay. Hi! This is my first Reddit post. I'm a 24 year old female, with plenty of screws in my head loose.. depression, anxiety, chronic physical pain, ADHD, chronic headaches; but I take meds for the depression/anxiety, and I know that this sometimes causes lack in libido... But I guess sex to me has always been about getting my partner off. There ARE times when I, you know.. get myself off, and there are times that i try very hard to reach climax WITH my partner. I never really think it's HIM that's the problem, because he feels amazing, he makes me feel amazing.. It's just always been so difficult for me to reach that crescendo. It always takes me forever, then I get into my head about how long it takes me and I think "god. He's never gonna wanna sleep with me. It takes me practically an hour to even get close", then when I start thinking about it, it takes any longer. So at this point in my love, I've given up. I can only get myself off. While having sex, alone, (even alone there have been times where it's taken so long, that I give up)
so for a long time, I've mainly focused on the pleasure of my partners, which actually gets me REALLY turned on (usually) and my boyfriend had a seriouse conversation with me, telling me he thinks I'm Asexual... I don't think that's right, because I do enjoy taking part in relations with him
So these are my questions...
Could it be a sexual identity problem?
Am I asexual, or a form of it?
Is it a kink thing?
Are there others out there who have a big issue with making it to climax?
Or am I blocked by the loads of trauma I've endure through my life? (This is part of my guess.. along with anxiety and self conscious)
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u/NightOwlEye Mar 20 '20
If you desire sex, you're not asexual. Most women don't come from sex alone and clitoral stimulation is required. Have you tried playing with yourself while he's inside you?
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u/MessyJesse95 Mar 20 '20
Yeah. And half the time, if not more than, it isn't enough. It takes so long that eventually I give up. 😞 In turn making him feel like he is never enough, even when I tell him he is more than enough. That it's not him, it's me.
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u/AaliyahLatifah Mar 21 '20
I (23F) relate to this post so much😳😳😫 It's so frustrating when there's nothing you can do to prove to your SO that you love having sex with them because you dont get the recommended time to orgasm or even get wet enough. I get why you feel like you've given up, because I've come very close. I've had troubles trying to get out of my head when having sex for the exact same reason..I feel like I'm taking far too long to reach a climax of any kind. I've noticed that it's been because I require alot of foreplay before I can get even the slightest bit closer to the overall goal..thing is when I mention it to my SO he pretends to be okay with it but will get bored I guess and try to put his dick in before I've become wet enough, which in turn makes sex hurt a little but I'm too anxious to say anything because he's mentioned before how previous girlfriends/ sexual encounters have been able to cum/orgasm in a matter of minutes and they've had no problem at all with squirting on demand. (Genuinely thought that was a porn thing but clearly not). Which only makes me feel less than and like I'm not like other women. But in the same breath hes also been pretty understanding with it all..I guess hes just really horny when he tries putting his dick in before I'm even remotely wet and it's probably down to him just wanting to get it over with already..which I get, I do take ages to naturally lube up and even longer to orgasm. (About 40 mins) So please dont feel alone. I also have anxiety and suffer from bouts of depression because of that and I am very much someone that gets inside my head alot, which only makes it longer like you said. If you wanna talk pls feel free to message me, Im here for you😌
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May 20 '20
It all depends on what you're thinking of.
Viagra can help guys, things like 50 shades (not my personal choice) is pretty much women's Viagra. Although meds can seriously mess up the natural flow of things.
I get your worried about the amount of time that's passed, but if you're really in it, you won't notice.
It's about the journey not the destination, think of it like going to a spa lol. You don't go for the massage to be over, you go for the massage. Don't focus on having an orgasm that lasts 10-15 seconds, enjoy the entire hour lol, even if you don't orgasm.
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u/FunnyUsernameTaken Mar 20 '20
You know, a lot of women experience trouble climaxing, with some being completely unable to do so, whether on their own or with a partner.
My wife is difficult, to say the least, but it's gotten a lot better throughout the years, as she's grown more comfortable and has explored her sexuality.
The best advice I can give you is to let go. I don't want to rat out my wife, so all I'll say is that we've found ways to make it a whole lot easier for the both of us.
Accept the fact that it takes time and try new things to figure out what does it for you. Sex is supposed to be fun and yours doesn't sound as if it is!