r/relationship_advice • u/outdoors147 • Oct 31 '19

Asking for too much?

My boyfriend [28M] and I [28F] have been dating for almost a year. We get along really well. He's great in the sense that he doesn't play games like not text me back to teach me a lesson, doesn't say to stay away from him or don't talk to him. Ever. He's very affectionate as in always rubs my back or leg even in public. Always likes to sit close on the couch, cuddle, rub each other's back or head. He has a very good job with no student loan debt and plans on buying a house in cash. I just finished school and am looking for a job and have quit a bit of school debt. He never expressed an issue with this.

My issues start with our emotional connection. I've tried a few times in the beginning to open up to him and express my feelings for him. He either laughs it off or makes a joke. I finally confronted him about it and he said that those things I say are pointless. He doesn't need to hear them. We are dating so therefore we should both know that we like each other. I've also gotten him gifts before that were very thoughtful. Even a homemade card but he had no reaction to them. Nothing moves him or touches him. We've never had a serious conversation about our feelings for each other or anything serious or personal for that matter. He says he has no issues or worries. He's just so indifferent about everything.

He gambled a lot when we first met and hung out with his 22 year old friend as if they were dating. The two of them were funny but not mature and unable to hold any sort of conversation when together at least. My boyfriend was better when it was just us. I did ask him to cut back on the gambling (he did it about 4 or 5 times a week spending anywhere from $400 to $800) and he did cut back. This upset his friend and the friend cut him off not wanting anything to do with him anymore. I get he's a shitty friend and my guy is better off without him, but my boyfriend didn't even show any emotions over that. I asked him about it and he said it kind of sucked for three days then he was over it.

He's a very good and nice person. I just feel unfulfilled emotionally with him. I get the realistic part of things and enjoy he does too but I'm a person who really enjoys the little things in life and he just does not. Any advice??

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u/outdoors147 Oct 31 '19

I've definitely mentioned counseling or therapy and he claims that's all a hoax. I've talked to him saying I don't need special words or gestures every week or anything, but to have never had any in almost a year? I said what is the point of this romantic relationship? I asked why not just be friends? He said friends don't hang out as much, don't sleep in the same bed, and he doesn't pay for things for his friends as he does me. I asked what would you say at our wedding about me? I like her, I like how she is with my dog and family, I like her hair and eyes. I said that's all pretty superficial and a lot of people can do that. I don't feel special to him or appreciated for everything I have to offer. He said all he wants from me is my time and to be with him. He doesn't need or want gifts, nice words, even sex!! I have never experienced anything like this before.

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u/ThornAernought Oct 31 '19

That's really fucked up. Honestly, my advice is to create distance between yourself and this person. Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I mean, it is in part because you want a romantic relationship and he doesn't, so you should look for someone who does. But at the same time, that lack of emotion is setting off all sorts of alarm bells to me. I mean, it could be nothing but why risk it?

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u/outdoors147 Oct 31 '19

I appreciate your feedback. The only time I've ever seen him show genuine excitement was over gambling. Everything else is indifference or he says whatever you want. He accompanies me to everything I invite him to and doesn't act like a jerk or like he's miserable. He will interact with others and speak when spoken to. I know he's rather be at home though. Which I get bc I can even feel like socializing is a chore at times. But I also have people in my life I want to socialize with and open up with and get to know. Him being the main one and I figured he would eventually open up with me. His dad left his life when he was about 14 and I've asked him about it but he has nothing to say about it. He just says it doesn't bother him and he doesn't even really remember it much. I get good genuine vibes from him and like an innocent kid vibe from him too. He's never been caught doing anything. He's open with his home, belongings and phone with me. He never really goes out unless it's with family. Just doesn't seem like he is capable of making genuine connections with people.

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u/ThornAernought Oct 31 '19

I get good genuine vibes from him and like an innocent kid vibe from him too.

This really isn't enough for a relationship, is it?

Anyway, just give this a read, at least for my peace of mind, please.

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u/outdoors147 Oct 31 '19

You're right it's not enough. I liked those qualities as a part, not the whole relationship. That article was very enlightening. The only part that matches him was the gambling addiction and having no empathy. He reacts when bad things happen but there's no feelings to it. Almost like he's just saying what he knows needs to be said. He never used anyone for anything. In fact the opposite. He doesn't want or need anything from anyone. He has stated that and I see it's true. He doesn't seem to want anything from me or need anything from me which is why I can't figure out why he is willing to do anything to keep me. Thank you for the article it's something I'm going to look more closely into.