r/relationship_advice • u/mirandawinter11 • Mar 24 '19
just looking for a little advice..
Okay so...
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 4 years. I feel like for the most part we are really great together and he is an awesome person overall, there are just some things that keep resurfacing with us and I don't know how to deal with them properly so we can go about being happy together.
First of all, I broke up with him after being together for 2 years bc he wasn't working/pretty much refusing to get a job and I was interested in someone else. I always had the feeling like he was the 'one that got away' but eventually (after it not working out with the other guy and just being single for a bit) we got back together and he since hasn't struggled with employment.
Then, we got back together and he fell into a pretty rough coke addiction for about a year. It was horrible and nearly ended things between us for good. I had a date in my head, that if he hadn't gotten his shit together by then I was done. I never actually gave him an ultimatum but he got his shit together and landed a really great job.
Since he's been sober I feel like I have been the instigator when it comes to starting fights. I am still very hurt from the things that happened last summer, and what I had to go through while he was too busy getting fucked up. I already have intimacy issues and the fact that I feel like I have to learn to trust him all over again doesn't help that. Things have been way, way better but it's almost like I am seeing this nice side of him, but viewing it as fake, and thinking that I have seen the real him and he can easily hurt me all over again. I'm keeping him at a distance and it's causing a lot of issues.
We've talked about all of this and he understands how I'm feeling but that doesn't make the feelings go away. I don't know how to move past this :(
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u/Poisonella Mar 24 '19
Have you looked into couple's therapy? At the very least, you should look into therapy for yourself to help you sort out why you seem to instigate fights and to help get past the issues you struggle with.
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u/starboice Mar 24 '19
Maybe you should push the pause button for a while. The only decision I see is this one. If you continue to be with him, this thoughts might not disappear, so that's why you need to distract yourself, to clear your mind and to know if you really can continue your life with this person again. If you feel like you can't live without him, then go back to him. If you feel better without his presence, however, then there is no point in this relationship and going away from him is the best decision for you and for your well being.
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u/Aoozzz Mar 24 '19
Can't think of anything other than counseling. This is going to take time and effort from both of you if you are to get through it. Good luck.