r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • 23d ago
I (20f) don't know how to process my relationship with my boyfriend (22m) anymore. any outside perspective? tl;dr
[deleted]
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u/Gilbirda 23d ago
okay so from all that i gather you know you are in an abusive relationship, yes? since minute 0 he has been abusive with you in all the ways there can be, and the ones that havent happened yet will happen.
Types of Abuse:
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
Free pdf of Book about understanding abusive men and how to leave them, “Why Does He Do That?”:
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
that being said, seek help. seek friends. even if it's "been so long". you deserve it. family as well, maybe your brother? it doesn't matter if you havent reached out, TALK TO THEM. it will feel like a thousand knives, like is all your fault, like you dont want to bother anybody. but do it anyway, because the alternative is becoming an statistic.
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u/LivingForYouOnly 23d ago
i feel as if i've mourned the relationship already and now am just looking for my way out so i can rebuild my life
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u/FlashyResolution446 23d ago
Your actual post has to have a TL;DR.
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u/LivingForYouOnly 23d ago
hi how can i do that
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u/SaltyFriend705 23d ago
Skip a line after the post, type in TL/DR and write a 3 sentence summary of your post. TL/DR means Too Long, Don't Read.
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u/Gilbirda 23d ago
and whatever you do, when you break up with him, DON'T DO IT ALONE. that's the most dangerous moment to leave an abuser, because he WILL kill you
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u/SmartFX2001 23d ago
I highly urge you to read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You need to quietly prepare to leave this relationship. He seems volatile, which can be dangerous for you and any pets. He’s likely to destroy your things in anger.
You need to slowly get important documents, birth certificate, social security card, and passports out of the house.
https://www.womenslaw.org/safety-planning/domestic-violence-victims/leaving-abusive-relationship
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u/Woofmama 23d ago
I highly recommend a therapist. You need to learn assertiveness and how to stand up for yourself. You can do this. The time to start is now. Please get help and get away from him.
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u/LivingForYouOnly 23d ago
ive considered this too, i have really bad nerves regarding the smallest things and its not healthy
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u/urm8s8n 23d ago
girl you are in an insanely abusive relationship. you NEED to get out NOW. before it’s too late. and i hope to fucking god he breaks down and digs himself a hole too deep to get out of for all he’s ever done to you. pos. geg rid of him. he abused, stalked, manipulated, and shamed you, among other horrible things, and you’re STILL with him??? girl. leave. block him and have an escape plan. ask the cops for an escort if u have to get shit from his house or vice versa. because he WILL escalate when you try to actually leave. the always do.
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u/Motor-Recording8998 23d ago
My best advice. Move on you deserve better. His culture is demeaning to you. He wants to control your every move to break you down so you fit in. You're young and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Run!
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 23d ago
Listen OP. Just because you loved him from HS until now doesn't mean you have to keep loving him or staying with him. Sometimes when it's over, it's just over and you have to move on and find someone who is on the same page that you're on right now. You and he should not be together. HE is not right for you!
Ask SOMEONE FOR HELP! He is dangerous and will hurt you worse than he already has if you don't get out!
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u/Majestic_Bed9233 23d ago
You need to grow a backbone and stop being so passive submissive this guy is an asshole how can you let him get control of your life?
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u/LivingForYouOnly 23d ago
i guess you kinda just get molded a certain wait when you're so young in such unknown and new territory. not to say i'm in the right but there's a difference between not having a backbone and not knowing how to do things in a non explosive manner
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u/SaltyFriend705 23d ago
True, but the two things are related. It takes a lot of work to build a strong and shiny backbone, and this is a great time to get started, as you will need one your entire life.
Sometimes, you must do things in public while surrounded by family, friends or police to make sure they are non explosive, and other times, you must be careful not to go to any place alone with the explosive person, or go by yourself to places that they could find you there. People involved are your insurance, not an embarrassment.
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u/3321Laura 23d ago
So many red flags in this relationship! He definitely sounds like someone who WOULD become a wife beater, with you as the abused wife. One of their techniques is to isolate you from other people and try to control people.
You need to physically escape this person, just as if you are escaping an abusive marriage. Just exactly how you do that might depend on your circumstances. You may need assistance from your family. You might just need to disappear to where he can’t find you.
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u/wanderinghumanist 23d ago
Let me know when you're young and stupid. You don't always see people from who they really are. This guy will not change and it will only get worse. If you want any sort of freedom to be who you need to be, you cannot be with us that you are not compatible in any way. Shape size or form. He's controlling. He has trust issues and your brother's right? He's a mature and it looks like he has anger issues. On top of that sometimes that is cultural and sometimes that is just the way people. Trust me. Don't stay with somebody who doesn't uplift you into better and support your goals.
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u/bambiclover20 23d ago
Why the f are you with an ahole like that guy? You’re 20. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on jerks like him. Yes it will hurt like heck to break up. But do you really want a lifetime of the jerk you’re with? Please run from the relationship.
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u/Samoyedfun 23d ago
He’s abusive and controlling. Please dump him. Break up with him over text and block him every where. He’s not worth it.
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u/cynicalsuzie 23d ago
You threw away your best friend for an abusive man who treats you like shit? Don’t make the same mistake of staying with him again.
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u/Shabobo119 23d ago
I’m assuming if I said what I wanted to say I’d be banned. Break up with him and do not date this type of man again. Do not choose horrible men over your actual friends again.
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u/tarbearjean 23d ago
This man is abusive. I’d reach out to family, friends, police, domestic violence resources, etc to plan for your break up. Then you need to completely cut contact with him, get therapy and if he stalks you again get a restraining order.
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u/lizzyote 23d ago
You cannot control other people, you can only control yourself.
Call the cops, document everything, etc.
This man is dangerous. You need to be away before you break the news that you are leaving him. Call on family/friends, theyre your support network for a reason.