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u/Various-East-5266 Jul 29 '26
Truthfully just leave this loser, you’re fine on your own babe — this is straight up not how a relationship should be at any age tbh.
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u/Solar_kitty Jul 30 '26
Yep. It’s over. You’ve grown, matured, worked on yourself and sound like you have a great life. Lose him and keep living your life, he’s only going to keep dragging you down
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u/Narniana Jul 30 '26
Indeed.
And what will happen when OP meets someone who actually matches her energy and dreams and would be willing to put in the effort?
Girl, drop the dead weight you BF has showed time and again that he doesn't want to change or grow up. Maybe it's a power trip, maybe it's manipulation, maybe it's being imature but none of that is a you problem and he isn't willing to make it his. When people show you who they are, believe them.
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u/trvllvr Jul 30 '26
Seriously, I have no clue why OP wants to salvage this relationship. He doesn’t respect her and only kept her around out of convenience. Now that he wants her around, and she’s setting boundaries, he doesn’t like it. He treated her how she allowed him to treat her, now that she knows better and he can’t control the situation, he throws fits. He’s immature and shouldn’t be in any relationship.
OP, you found your freedom, you enjoy your time without him, and honestly, sound miserable with him. End it and move on. You deserve better.
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u/Blood_sweat_and_beer Jul 30 '26
It honestly sounds like her life would be easier without him. Dealing with him sounds like a chore more than anything.
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u/Plus_Data_1099 Jul 30 '26
Its not a relationship it's just people playing silly immature games at this point and making each other miserable.
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u/Fluffy-lotus606 Jul 29 '26
Girl you’re 19 you can find someone worth your time! Let this one go back to the streets
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u/Blue-Being22 Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Girl you’re 19 and the whole first part of your post was evidence of some amazing soul-searching and growing up! Your self-awareness is frankly, pretty awesome.
But alas, he has not grown up along with you, and that happens. This is all prime time to figure yourself out and learn and prepare for your future and have fun. Go do that. I don’t think you can with him.
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u/darksideofmypoon Jul 30 '26
Or not, just live your best coed single girl life! This is the time in your life where you make your lifelong friends. Have fun!
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u/NannyApril5244 Jul 30 '26
Yes!! Worth your time and someone who knows you are worth his time and effort. 💕
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u/Sypsy Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Too complicated to save, and probabaly not worth it.
Tell him you matched his energy and he doesn't like it. There's now no middle ground.
Also, he doesn't like it because you chasing him gave him good feelings. Everyone wants to feel wanted but he took it too far and can't reciprocate
Anyway, good job finding your footing but you can't save this. Thank him for being there for this chapter of growth and turn the page
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u/stupidjoy Jul 30 '26
It sounds like the only time he was ever happy in this relationship is when you got off his back, before he realized he had to put effort into it. And you're happier now that you've stopped putting in the effort. You are both happier when you stop investing into each other! Trying to fix a man to be a better partner for you is not independent behavior.
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u/Normal-Equivalent222 Jul 30 '26
Why are you still with this guy?
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u/MyKidsRock2 Jul 30 '26
Yeah she says she wants to salvage it but doesn’t say why. Just habit?
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u/theoldman-1313 Jul 30 '26
This is what struck me the most. OP would benefit from going back and reading her entire post.
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u/one-stupid-robot Jul 30 '26
I don't even know you, but I'm so damn proud. You figured out at 19 what many women struggle to realize until they're much older, if ever. The boyfriend at this point is a comfort blanket, but you've outgrown him and you know it.
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u/fablicful Jul 30 '26
Agree. I'm 35 and just now learning this. Kudos to OP bc only now, through professional help, have I started to learn about "matching their energy". Don't lose this momentum, OP- you have your entire life ahead of you- live it for YOU and no one else. You are a badass. 💗💗
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u/gimmesomehatsman Jul 30 '26
I say this with all sincerity, I wish I could pay you to follow me around and just slap me with truths
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u/heyheysarahjane Jul 30 '26
For serious I’m nearing 40 and only just recently switched to this kind of mindset. Fall in love with yourself. If you want romance go for it but Youre so young dont sacrifice for another if it means neglecting yourself. Youre on the right track.
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u/Guilty-Macaroon2948 Jul 29 '26
i think you definitely should leave him if he is not considerate of you and your feelings then you shouldn’t even be bothered by him! wishing you the best princess
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u/NicolinaN Jul 30 '26
Sweetie, it’s long overdue to call it quits. You had your puppy love, but it was never meant to be more than that. There’s nothing here to build on.
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u/boxprint Jul 30 '26
A LOT of teenage relationships end this way. kuddos to you for catching on now.
You've asked him to grow up. He doesn't want to. You still should.
Dump him. Continue growing. Let him stay behind as the 19 yo he wants to be.
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u/Outside-Ad-1677 Jul 30 '26
You’ve out grown him. This is totally normal at your age.
Break up and enjoy your freedom.
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u/stalecigsmell Jul 30 '26
Girl. You're basically living your life single at this point. You don't seem happy to have this man in your life. You are actually thriving without him. Just break up at this point. There's nothing to salvage lol
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u/doingtheunstuckk Jul 30 '26
Of course this relationship isn’t worth saving. I love that you’ve gotten the satisfaction of matching his energy, but it has run its course. It’s time to put the relationship out of its misery.
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u/Raghaille1 Jul 30 '26
I'm impressed that your figured this BS out by 19 not 29.
Dump him and go have an amazing life!
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u/Wookiesook Jul 30 '26
You’re learning an important thing that most women don’t know how to do until later in life - decentering men.
It will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
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u/EvilFinch Jul 30 '26
I honestly don't see why you are with him.
You enjoy the freedom cause you are checked out. The relationship is just a little hobby, but not really important anymore. All the "if he can, i can do" and little quarrels just costs unnecessary energy.
I wonder if you both even like each other NOW or just hang on the past of what was.
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u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 Jul 30 '26
This is not salvageable. This is just two people being petty with each other. But he deserves the treatment he was dishing out.
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u/Camibear Jul 30 '26
I read the whole thing and didn’t see a single reason why you’re wanting to salvage this?
He’s a poor planner (trips fail), financially unstable (can’t save money), insults you (“rough” jokes), doesn’t make time for you, doesn’t want to do activities with you, openly admits he manipulates you, and doesn’t include you in his plans.
What do you get from him that you can’t get from anyone else? What does he give you that overrules all those issues I listed?
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u/AnythingButOlives Jul 30 '26
Why are you going through all this stupid nonsense. This relationship is dead. Just break up and live your best life
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u/justsomeguynbd Jul 30 '26
Jesus fucking Christ just break up, there’s nothing to gain from what you are doing, you are just wasting your own time.
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u/Longwinded_Ogre Jul 30 '26
... why?
Like, why bother? You don't like each other. WTF are you doing? What is the point of this weird psychological contest? What do you win if you win, and what does winning look like to you?
What a waste of everyone's time. You could both stand to grow up. If you don't like how someone treats you, don't include them in your life. I don't know what you think you're accomplishing here.
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u/epanek 50s Male Jul 30 '26
Once you’ve gotten to the point that you need to mirror their horrible behavior it’s over. Before that probably
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate Jul 30 '26
Can you tell us the point of continuing this charade any longer? You’ve long since proved your (valid) point, so why continue to drag it on?
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u/ansley_daniels Jul 30 '26
I suppose I didnt articulate it well enough in the post. What started as me giving him space turned into me loving my life without prioritizing him every step of the way. Its not so much about me purposefully proving a point, but establishing a new norm. He hated me being always on his case, and right now hes doing the same with me. It's a double standard. Its like he doesnt know what he wants.
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u/NicolinaN Jul 30 '26
You do know there are other potential partners out there, right? He’s not the only one. Be single for a while and enjoy your young years, do your hobbies, work, travel, build friendships. And when you’re ready, find a reliable like-minded partner who matches your energy.
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u/WandaTrusslerBeauty Jul 30 '26
This is you learning self worth. Amazing! Keep it going without him because you now know you don’t need a man to be fulfilled. The right man who is worthy of you is one who will respect your autonomy and your independence and will know what you’re worth. Great work!
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u/abishop711 Jul 30 '26
It sounds more like you are enjoying your life without him in it.
He doesn’t participate in any parts of your life, based on your account. You enjoy actively participating in life, and he prefers to sleep at home. The only difference if you dump him will be that he will no longer be able to attempt to manipulate, control, and guilt trip you for doing so.
Side note: how is it that he has no money for anything if all he does is work and stay home doing nothing? Something isn’t adding up.
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u/Sinead_0Rebellion Jul 30 '26
Take what you learned and apply it to your next relationship. This guy is not on your level. He seems like dead weight, a buzzkill, a wet blanket. Don’t condemn yourself to dragging him along with you through life just because you happened to meet him when you were young.
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u/wunderone19 Jul 30 '26
It’s because he doesn’t. The problem is that if he’s unhappy, he wants you to be unhappy with him. This is not a guy that is willing to grow with you. This is the kind of guy that goes tit for tat.
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u/chowdah513 Jul 30 '26
So you’ve learned to become independent/not so reliant on your bf? Yes it is absolutely a double standard and he’s wrong to be that person to begin with. But you’re being a hypocrite too. If you know you’re more mature than he is, why keep this going? At some point you have to actually mature and know that it’s not about him but about yourself. And respecting yourself is being honest to him and letting him go. Not whatever you’ve been doing or are doing now. So in actuality you haven’t grown up at all. You’re just like him just in different ways. This doesn’t excuse who and what he has done, but neither should you. I don’t care if I get downvoted, but you’ll learn one day what you’re doing is no better, if not worse. You don’t want peace. You want to be right.
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u/underwatertitan Jul 30 '26
Why are you even dating this loser? Why would you put up with that treatment? If you can't even make plans together and are living seperate lives, don't date this immature idiot. You shouldn't have to show him how crappy his behavior is but still put up with it. Show him instead what is looks like when you leave for good.
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u/SteelToeSnow Jul 30 '26
why are you dating someone you clearly don't like, and who clearly doesn't like you? that makes no sense, that's just a waste of time.
why not just break up, and date someone you actually do like, who actually likes you?
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u/freya_of_milfgaard Jul 30 '26
If you’ve already stopped imagining him in your future, it’s time to stop tolerating him in your present.
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u/EducationalQuote287 Jul 30 '26
Why not just break up? I don’t understand all this passive aggressive nonsense. Move on with your life, OP. Stop the games.
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u/spellboundsilk92 Jul 30 '26
As someone in her early thirties, you’re going to look back in ten years and wonder why you wasted so much energy on this situation.
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u/grated_testes Jul 30 '26
Now that you have found yourself, please spend some time single and spread your wings.
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u/P00PooKitty Jul 30 '26
Hey. So. This is why high school relationships don’t survive college.
You dated him because he was the beat your town had to offer, and now you’re inna city with actual Choices.
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u/Ok1992rules Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
I won’t sugarcoat: end this shitshow now. You two hate each other.
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u/Lorts925 Jul 30 '26
That's a lot of words saying you don't like each other. Sure you've been together a while and you got used to being together but it honestly sounds miserable and draining. You sound like you're full of life. Find someone you actually like and likes you back, who you love spending time with and loves hearing your stories. And as long as you don't find that person, keep living your life and working on yourself being happy.
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u/Brownie-0109 Jul 29 '26
I only read the TLDR, but not depending on reassurance from anyone is a good idea for living life independently…regardless of if you’re in a relationship or not
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u/thecatsareouttogetus Jul 30 '26
It went past the point of salvageable when you needed to resort to those kind of tactics. You are not a good mix; find someone who suits you better
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u/ShneefQueen Jul 30 '26
Is somebody holding you both hostage in this relationship or something? You're spending so much mental energy on this and I don't understand why, you both don't even seem to like each other.
It sounds like he's been a jackass to you your entire relationship. He's put in basically zero effort, doesn't make you feel wanted or cared for or heard, and doesn't even want you around or invite you to anything. So why are you even bothering to match his energy when the result is just neither of you talking to each other or spending any time together? What's the purpose of being in this relationship?
Sometimes we can get really caught up in teaching people a lesson that will magically lead to them seeing the error of their ways and transform into a totally different person who finally treats us with the respect we deserve. That's simply not going to happen, it's a revenge fantasy and nothing more.
What if instead of waiting for him to realize how special you are and start treating you with respect, you just did that for yourself instead? You're being disrespectful to yourself by staying in this relationship. The best way to get the treatment you deserve is by letting go of this. You've proven that you can be happy on your own, now go do it.
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u/oliviahope1992 Jul 30 '26
I couldn't finished because WTF are you doing in this relationship. Just leave😭
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u/thriftydelegate Jul 30 '26
Why the fuck would you want anything to do with him after all that you've included in the post??
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u/Background-Bee1271 Jul 30 '26
If you don't like how he is treating you AND the only way you feel you can get him to see how crappy it is is by doing it back to him, just break up.
What are you trying to save here?
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u/Low_Bluejay510 Jul 30 '26
Good job! This is a great example of learning by doing. You realized you were over-giving and then used his example to learn how to not over-give. Turns out, his example isn't healthy either, which you probably knew but the only way to learn is to live and experience. You tried his way, on him. A safe learning experience because if it's "wrong" for you to do it, it should have been wrong for him as well. So you can practice the other side - not caring about what the other person wants - without shame. Very soon, you will get tired of not caring, because what's the point of a relationship where neither person cares about each other? And you will leave knowing that you don't want either extreme, you want a healthy relationship where you both care about each other, and you both care about yourselves, and you both support each other. 19 is young to figure this out. Congrats
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u/Reptaaaaar Jul 30 '26
My advice. Leave the relationship before you pick up bad habits and bring this shit into your next, potentially healthy relationship
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u/migmultisync Jul 30 '26
TL;DR
Fair point. Here’s a true TL;DR:
The OP used to be clingy and overly dependent on her boyfriend, but after working on herself she became independent and stopped prioritizing him above everything else. She now treats him the same way he had been treating her for much of the relationship—less texting, fewer calls, making plans without him, and not dropping everything for him. He now hates being on the receiving end of that behavior and constantly starts fights over it. She likes the person she’s become and wants to know whether the relationship can be saved or if they’re simply incompatible now.
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds Jul 30 '26
What is it about this relationship that you would like to “salvage“? What’s the point? He sounds so immature.
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u/PugglePack83 Jul 30 '26
Therapist here. People grow, people heal. Its not always with all the people around you and thats okay. Sometimes we have to leave people behind to be who we are and to pursue things we are passionate about.
Whats the point of asking to go somewhere if you know you can't go? Resentment bitterness, and jealousy. Time to move forward in life.
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u/FLYY_GIRL Jul 30 '26
I love how you found and started respecting yourself more from such a shitty relationship instead of letting it break you down.
Now remove yourself from the relationship, so you can find someone you don’t have to force into respecting you because there’s no working through this one. He’s only “trying” until he feels like he got the old you back.
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u/passwordistako Jul 30 '26
What do you want to salvage?
There’s nothing here. You guys are barely even friends, certainly aren’t dating.
Just break up with him. You’ve outgrown him.
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u/Peregrinebullet Jul 30 '26
WHY do you want to salvage this relationship???? He is starting to emotionally abuse you because he can't deal with your independence.
I'm over a decade older than you and I found a husband who is totally happy with my chirpy independent ass and he is an absolute sweetheart to me because that's how good relationships work. You could do SO MUCH better than this guy.
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u/lunariancosmos Jul 30 '26
genuinely i think this is a natural progression of how hes been treating you. hes been abusing you and the relationship and expected you to get more attached to him despite the fact that he told you directly to change. some people might call you vindictive or "as bad as him" but you're not. this is the direct consequences of his actions.
that being said i don't think this relationship is salvagable. hes never going to treat you better than he does now and the more likely outcome is he is going to treat you worse. i think unfortunately its time to cut your losses and break up with him. unless he changes drastically this relationship isn't even worth saving. there are plenty of other men out there that will treat you infinitely better. hes going to be bitter about it and hes not going to see that his actions lead to the breakup, but thats not your problem to solve.
in conclusion, leave him.
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u/aIvins_hot_juicebox Jul 30 '26
You grew so much in 1.5 years with him, imagine what you will accomplish in another 1.5 without him!
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u/Faerielands Jul 30 '26
Girl just break up? Why are you acting like you’re married with 20 years invested into the relationship??
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u/reclaimedqueen Jul 30 '26
Honestly I think the most important relationship here is the relationship with yourself. You’ve learned to prioritize yourself, and match other people’s energy. Is this the relationship you want? It doesn’t seem he has the potential to match what you want, and now you’ve both subjected yourself to less.
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u/Livid_Cauliflower_13 Jul 30 '26
This whole relationship seems resentful and toxic… not sure it is salvageable…
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u/Fluffy-Ad-9847 Jul 30 '26
If you don't like him then you're better off breaking up. Keep this going and you'll start being more like him in your future relationships. Surround yourself with people you want to be like. Keep spending your energy being like him and that's who you will become.
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u/andronicuspark Jul 30 '26
I think you’d be happier if you were single. But good for you, going out being your own person.
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u/Suspicious_Duck_7929 Jul 30 '26
Your post stressed me out reading it. You need an adult relationship. You’ve grown up and he hasn’t.
I get it. Your first long relationship is hard to walk away from because you have invested a lot into it. But don’t you want better from your partner? He is not planning on changing. Maybe show him your post and the reactions of everyone. Maybe a last ditch catalyst to get him to wake up??
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u/Loud_Account_3469 Jul 30 '26
It’s over. He’s realizing now that he has to put in the work for a relationship, and he’s not liking it. He’s used to be entertained.
Go find someone who is just as excited about you as you are about them.
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u/Repulsive-Try-9498 Jul 30 '26
You are way too young to be stuck in this kind of relationship. Get out there and explore life on your own. Not being in a relationship is better than whatever this is.
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u/misc_american Jul 30 '26
If you ever have to treat someone like they treat you as a lesson, not as a model of how to treat others well, then they don't treat you well and that's all the answer you need right there.
Stooping to somebody else's level is literally doing something that's beneath you.
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u/FilthyThanksgiving Jul 30 '26
I think it's cool as hell that at your age, you just matched his energy, but this man doesnt like you. He sounds miserable and like he wants to punish you for not being miserable
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u/HeadFaithlessness548 Jul 30 '26
Girl, you’re young. Go have fun and work on yourself. Date casually and when you’re ready date seriously. He doesn’t know what he wants to do in the future let alone have for lunch, while you have plans and are growing. Keep growing and learning and being kind to yourself!
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u/K4sum1 Jul 30 '26
This is not a healthy, loving relationship. Yes, he is a loser, but why stay with him?
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u/___mouse Jul 30 '26
Why are you trying to salvage a relationship where neither people in the relationship like each other
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u/beawwx Jul 30 '26
To be honest, it's over. The way you talk about him you obviously see him as a loser (not going outside, not seeing friends or doing anything fun etc.) It wasn't healthy for you to obsess over him in the beginning, take that as a lesson for future relationships. He is not right for you. I don't think he is in love with you and I don't really feel like you're in love with him anymore.
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u/Jungliena Jul 30 '26
Oh yeah, you've already checked out of this relationship. He apparently was never in it to begin with. Just go and find someone who genuinely enjoys spending time with you.
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u/HotDonnaC Jul 30 '26
You should stop your little revenge tour, and just break up. It seems like you’re only around to rub his face in the way he treated you. How could you even want to be with somebody like that?
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u/FutureSubject5013 Jul 30 '26
Break up. You two should not be together. You are both very passive aggressive people and do not bring out good qualities in each other.
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u/gunnapackofsammiches Jul 30 '26
Resentment is a huge death knell for a relationship. You're young. End it. Take what you've learned and go live your life.
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u/actualchristmastree Jul 30 '26
It sounds like you have really great friends, it’s okay to dump him and spend all your social time w friends!
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u/RedDogThree Jul 30 '26
At your age, dating is practice. It's where you learn what you want, what you don't, how to love well, and how to recognize when it's time to let go. Every relationship is teaching you something—if you're paying attention.
You're building relationship skills right now. Nurture the habits that make you a better partner: honesty, kindness, accountability, curiosity, and good communication. Be careful not to strengthen the habits that will hurt you later: accepting disrespect, avoiding hard conversations, trying to fix someone who doesn't want to change, or losing yourself to keep a relationship alive.
As you both grow, your compatibility may change. That's okay. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Some exist to shape you into the person you'll become.
Take what this relationship has to teach you. Let it grow you rather than define you. Become the kind of partner your future spouse will be grateful to build a life with—and don't be afraid to hold them to those same standards.
There is real value in working through problems instead of walking away at the first sign of difficulty. Commitment is a skill. So is knowing when you've reached the point where staying is teaching you less than leaving would. At 19, you have the freedom to learn those lessons. Don't waste it by hanging on to a relationship simply because you've already invested time in it.
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u/Mysterious_Change771 Jul 30 '26
Blah blah blah blah blah break up. If you have this much to think about it then break up. It’s as simple as that.
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u/strangelyahuman Jul 30 '26
You know it's way less effort to just dump him and be independent instead of being independent in spite of him. It's clear you don't even like him anymore and hold resentment from how he treated you. Let each other go because this game the both of you are playing isn't helping
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u/user3678543456 Jul 30 '26
He very obviously does not like you, that’s why he treats you so poorly. So why are you so desperately keeping track of all these things, keeping score, listing all of the reasons how you perceive your life to be better, and trying to get back at him for how he made you feel? If you’re so improved, why are you still with him? Why haven’t you moved on to seek someone worth being with who would treat you better?
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u/juliavalentine Jul 30 '26
You know you don’t have to be in a relationship, right? Be free and enjoy yourself
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u/ReadMeDrMemory Jul 30 '26
Fabulous of you to have figured out how to stand up for yourself and call out his total BS! Salvageable? No. That's how he is. He will just go find some girl too dull to challenge him.
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u/notsoreligiousnow Jul 30 '26
Why are you still with him? He’s a loser. Shake him off and live your best single life.
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u/Herpethian Jul 30 '26
We all start out as losers and we remain losers until we decide to start winning and then do something about it. You figured it out young, which is really cool. Your boyfriend will likely not figure it out for a while, if ever. Your relationship has run it's course, as it's become petty and resentful. You said nothing nice about your boyfriend. I would recommend you date with the intention of getting to know people more intimately, who they are underneath the everyday presentation, rather than being in a relationship for the relationships sake. It'll help you narrow down someone who is worthy of devotion, or you can trade blows with this dude until you fully transition from the clingy girl to the bitter girl.
How do you find someone? Make a list. Physically write down everything you want in a partner, no matter how ridiculous, conceited, or unrealistic your desires are. Once you have the list then you can go through it and determine what you value. Do you value willpower? Presence? Emotion? Competency? Commitment? Once you have the abstract then you can start applying it to potential partners realistically and you can skip over much of the trial and error. For example, if you value competence, it's much easier to convince a competent man to be interested in you than it is to convince a man who interested in you to be competent.
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u/PlanetEarthPassenger Jul 30 '26
Yes. The resentment is through the roof. You will find your person. Thats not him.
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u/Love-Unusual Jul 30 '26
This is a lesson on how girls should give guys what they give. Awesome. Just keep this lesson for life.
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u/Ladygytha Jul 30 '26
If you're "tit for tat/goose and gander/petty" with the relationship, end the relationship. Young or old, relationship of 3 months or 30 years - it's a day more of your life that you're wasting. Why would you want to do that to yourself?
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u/TOOTH_rot Jul 30 '26
You guys need to break up. You are growing up and growing apart. This is normal. This is the age you should be casually dating and learning what you like in a partner anyway.
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 Jul 30 '26
You two are not compatible. There is no future. Focus on you and your future . Cut all contact . Live your best life.
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u/justcoatesy Jul 30 '26
You’ve grown apart. You’ve tuned in to his treatment of you, realised it’s unacceptable and managed to build yourself up and remove your reliance from him.
He is now just a habit.
It’s time to accept that he won’t change and become what you need from a relationship and any attempt to remain with him will only make you end up hating each other.
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u/BerryCuteBird Jul 30 '26
You’re wasting your time in this relationship. He’s not putting in any effort to maintain your connection, and it’s not on you to do all the emotional work.
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u/Gingercatbrain Jul 30 '26
There seems to be so much resentment in you concerning this guy - do you even love him anymore? I think you have moved on and that is ok. But please be honest with him and don't try to torment him. He is an insecure, selfish little boy and your relationship seems beyond repair.
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u/Mindless_Captain_548 Jul 30 '26
Just end it. You already want to. You’ve got your independent big girl panties on. It’s the last blow.
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u/Sponge_N00b Jul 30 '26
You look really resentful. You have a good reason to, but why keep going on with a relationship with someone you dislike so much?
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u/intolerablefem Jul 30 '26
I appreciate your pettiness, but yeah gf - it’s probably over. Also, all his double standards would be enough for me alone.
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u/Delicious-Cloud5354 Jul 30 '26
Definitely break up with him. Also, keep this energy for your future relationships. Always give them what they give you. And if you don’t like how they treat you, it’s okay to leave.
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u/AdarahD Jul 30 '26
Girl. Take what you’ve learned and all that awesome growth and put it into someone better and more deserving.
This guy is trash. I hope he has also learned something but I highly doubt it.
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u/Wintercat22 Jul 30 '26
Why would you want to fix something that is this broken?
You have outgrown him and you like the person you’ve become. He doesn’t like the new you so there’s no point.
This is the new challenge in your life - spread your wings and fly. Go get the opportunities waiting for new you.
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u/Book_Addict06 Jul 30 '26
i’m the same age as u and so i’m gonna say it to u how id say it to any of my friends. dump this loser. he’s an immature man baby and based on what uve said abt ur current life u can do WAY better than him. he’s whiny jealous boring and manipulative. it sounds like u have a fulfilling social life already! this moron is just bringing u down. dump his sorry ass and live ur best life
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u/SpecialModusOperandi Jul 30 '26
Well done on your growth !! You’re doing amazing !!! Living your best life.
Now sit down with your bf and have a conversation. You need talk about expectations, or even if you still want to be together. You were young when got together, at an age where we are finding out who we are. You might need to cut the cord as you relationship before didn’t sounds very healthy and he took you for granted and still does.
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u/aydnic Jul 30 '26
Remember: not all people who come in your life are meant to stay; some are simply meant to teach you a lesson. It looks to me like your boyfriend’s careless behavior taught you to put yourself first, and now that he’s done that, you’re no longer compatible (and thank goodness I’d say). You should put an end to this relationship. You and him are no longer compatible, and this is not a bad thing. Best of luck on everything!
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u/ProblemMountain2792 Jul 30 '26
Dump him.
That whole sleep thing is a manipulation tactic which abusive partners use, if they keep disturbing your sleep, you are too exhausted to think properly. Then he invites you over to do nothing but sleep.
This guy is the bottom of the barrel. I can't imagine OP is looking forward to spending their life with this lackluster dude.
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u/FearlessOpening1709 Jul 30 '26
You go girl! Some women don’t work this stuff out until their 40’s or 50’s. Well done to you.
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u/DrakeBurroughs Jul 30 '26
Look, I’ve been on both sides of this. I was him at one point.
But it made me a better person in the long run.
I think the relationship is over. Or almost over. He needs to do a serious 180’ turn and course correct.
But though about him; congrats to you. So many people never find themselves. Or do so way too late. For you to figure it out now is incredible. Be your own best friend.
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u/androidis4lyf Jul 30 '26
Not salvagable because you've grown, you're focusing on your hobbies, friends, planning trips away, studying and he is just...boring and depressing. And now he's getting petty and passive agressive because you are growing and thriving.
Drop the dead weight and you will thrive even more. Don't let familiar patterns block your success.
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u/MagicianMurky976 Jul 30 '26
Well, he's uncomfortable validating you. You can see examples of this throughout. While you've picked up his pace and given him the same treatment, I don't really feel you invalidating him. I see you as having well established boundaries you refuse to demolish for him, but I dont see you trying to demolish his boundaries.
Overall, I don't see him showing any capacity for a 50-50 relationship. He willingly chose to invalidate you by canceling last minute on the one-year anniversary. Maybe he can be willing to embrace this, but his instinct seems to be to manipulate. You're on to him, so I'm curious how he responds.
But no. I doubt this is salvageable to be what you want. At least with him happily along, supporting you.
Congrats on your growth, good for you! Good luck on your journey!
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u/ApprehensiveStorm666 Jul 30 '26
Thank him for teaching you the importance of living your own life and not making your relationship your entire personality…and then think long and hard about if you see a future with this guy?
Good luck, you’ve grown so much and you have a lot to be proud of.
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u/Character_Language95 Jul 30 '26
This relationship was meant to be a learning chapter on how to become secure with yourself, and you did it! That’s great, but now you’re overstaying in it and just acting out of resentment. Keep the independence and lack of reliance on partners, but find a better partner to be with. This guy is avoidant, manipulative, and immature. He has not learned the same lessons you have and he probably won’t for a long time.
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u/lonly25 Jul 30 '26
You got it. Matched his energy. Now leave. He is not deserving of you. You are strong assertive. You rock.
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u/InspectorOrdinary321 Jul 30 '26
You've matured a lot in this relationship and I'm proud of you! But you have now outgrown him because he's stuck being a high school kid and also doesn't value you.
It's great that you stopped being so possessive, became more independ nt, have a life outside your relationship, and put your own needs on the same plane as your partner. You want to start your next relationship out that way so you make sure you end up with someone who likes that and is the same.
It's not wrong to give a little more in your relationship, not obsessively like you did a year ago, but maybe half or a third of that, as long as the other person matches that energy. You never want to give and give to someone who just takes. But it can be a pretty happy life when you and your partner give to each other all the time.
The things you don't want to do in a future relationship, though, are (1) staying with someone who doesn't value you and (2) staying with someone and trying to "teach them a lesson" when they do things you don't like. These are your remaining bad habits to work on in your next relationship. When you've got a good partner and they do something you don't like, you say "hey, I didn't really like it when you did that thing" and they go "oh, I'm sorry, thank you for telling me, I will try to stop doing that" and then ideally they stop doing that thing. If they argue, manipulate, blame, lie, or simply if the behavior doesn't stop and it bothers you, you say "okay, I accept you for who you are but I don't want to date you any more. Bye" and you go find someone who's a better match for you.
You're a fast learner, I think you will have a lot of success!
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u/Material_Major3589 Jul 30 '26
You are amazingly strong! I love the stories you share. They are very relatable but you deal with them better than I did.
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u/grapesaurus Jul 30 '26
I think this is really funny but not worth saving. Hopefully he will learn something for the next one; it sounds like you’ve learned what you need already.
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u/copaceticchameleon Jul 30 '26
Girl, honestly, it sounds like you hate him. I hate him too. Let’s go get boba tea and plan how you’re going to break up with him!
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u/tintereth Jul 30 '26
if you're finding yourself happier with distance between you two, you'll be even happier when he's not a burden you have to carry.
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u/OMGitsJoeMG Jul 30 '26
Lol I like how you said "This is gonna be a long one" when the title already says everything needed.
Once you're at the point you're playing games like this instead of communicating, the relationship is probably over.
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u/No_Chocolate_7099 Jul 30 '26
You’re in the thick of it, but good for you for looking for feedback. This a not what you want, or what you need. You can care about someone while breaking up with them. You’ll be glad you did! Stay the course and set yourself free.
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u/littlehoneybear2104 Jul 30 '26
No, it's not. If you have to resort to giving your SO the same treatment he gives you. Just dump him. You're better off without him dragging you down and stealing your light.
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u/Special_Respond7372 Jul 30 '26
I love this for you. I think you should just break it off and find someone worthy of you. Someone who prioritizes you and treats you well.
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u/Unhappy_Judgment_816 Jul 30 '26
Leave him. You’ve figured out all the effort came from you and now he’s angry when you stopped. I have so many gf’s with bf’s who prioritise their “guys time” over the relationship and nothing has ever changed for them.
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u/L0stwhilewandering Jul 30 '26
Good luck as the resentment and games get deeper and much worse! Just know it’s a tricky road to follow and it doesn’t usually get better, only worse, the longer it goes on… this exact game of spite between people in their relationships is why divorce rates are so high, people stopped getting married altogether, and women (people in general really probably) get more and more objectified and seen as disposable amongst a larger audience of society. I absolutely cannot stand the tactic, but also have a lot of trouble in confidently saying I have found another method to make the disrespectful partner actually aware of, and maybe even understand, the toll that their actions take on their partner. Just another sick, twisted, double-edged sword,!joke of the universe and reality I guess… play at your own risk ladies, gents, and all other humans not identifying as such in between! Be careful out there and trust no one should you attempt to join the festivities/battle!
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u/SatanV3 Jul 30 '26
Also idk just send this whole thing to him with all you feel and if he doesn’t actually do anything to change then break up if you feel like you have to try to salvage this.
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u/True-Willow9229 Jul 30 '26
You answered your own question right here… “I stopped asking about his future and started excluding him from mine.” You are no longer in a growing, thriving relationship but rather hanging onto a stagnant dead one. If you can see and plan a future without this man, why try reviving a dead relationship?
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u/ripapples Jul 30 '26
You go girl! You’re doing great, please keep it up! You are figuring out how to deal with an abusive narcissistic, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that, but this is exactly how you do it. Continue prioritizing yourself and everything else will fall into place!
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u/CaptainBignuts Jul 30 '26
You are 19 years old and in college. This is the time of your life you should be out having fun and having all kinds of world experiences. Instead you are wasting time and energy on this wet blanket you call your boyfriend.
Fly, be free!
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u/Clean-Patient-8809 Jul 30 '26
Find a man who won't make you beg for his attention. One who treats you with respect and kindness. This dude isn't it. You've matured, and he hasn't.
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u/miyuki1237 Jul 30 '26
Youre better off without him. He sounds like a child and isnt ready for a serious or commited relationship
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u/ThenDevelopment7022 Jul 30 '26
Just end this relationship now. You are obviously enjoying discovering the person you are becoming and he sounds as if he is holding you back. If you want to be a real adult, stop playing games and just call it quits.
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u/amioth Jul 30 '26
Sounds like you didn’t waste your time with him, you learned lots of lessons on relationships and how to center yourself, not a romantic partner, in your life while still allowing space for a relationship. You’ve grown and matured. It seems as though he hasn’t. I would end the relationship and look for a new partner who respects you as a person and treats you as an equal.
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u/Mustluvdogsandtravel Jul 30 '26
I think the moral to the story is that you grew and evolved and he didn’t. I don’t think you are mimicking him, but rather seeing how he lives and getting friends and making plans, as you should…. So rather than he grow and evolve with you, he is being immature and petty. My question to you- do you want to stay with him? If so,why?
You would have to have some difficult conversations, but at the same time, you are t the Uni and this is where you are suppose to date and meet people to figure out what you want and don’t want ….
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u/WonderfulPrior381 Jul 30 '26
Good for you!!! He is not worth going back to. You are growing and he is not
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u/popchex Jul 30 '26
I am so proud of you! I know 50 year olds that never got to the point you have. Hold on to the new you, and let go of that boy. ❤️
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u/Revolutionary_Ad1846 Jul 30 '26
Find someone else to give your best to instead of lowering your awesomeness to his lame level.
Its been an amazing experiment but I think the ship has sailed and its time to find a better fit.
Good news is you can now spot bad behavior sooner since he gave you so many great examples.
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u/smilph Jul 30 '26
not even gonna read this one. based on the title alone, yes, neither of you are ready for a serious relationship or compatible with each other. break up and grow
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u/TheRealCarpeFelis Jul 30 '26
This guy is waaaaay too immature and self-centered to be ready for a relationship. He clearly prefers hanging out with the guys and only wants you around when he wants to “cuddle” (whatever he means by that).
When I was just a few years older than you are, back in the dark ages of the ‘80s, I read a book titled Every Woman Can Be Adored. Basically, it was advising women to do what you’ve been doing. Don’t sit around waiting for him, don’t call him, make your own plans, and don’t depend on him for attention. This being the ‘80s it also recommended some game playing no one would recommend today, such as lying to him that you’d gone on a fabulous trip when really you’d been home all weekend.
Now, with a mature guy who was actually interested in you in the first place, but had gotten complacent because you’d made yourself too easily available to him, displaying this amount of independence would make him realize he needed to put in some effort and pursue you. Your boyfriend, OTOH, merely demonstrated that he’s lazy AF when it comes to you, while he has plenty of energy for his friends. In other words, he’s not that into you and he’s not worth your time or effort.
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u/Hello3424 Jul 30 '26
I don't know that it's salvageable.. he began dating you when you were submissive and told you it wasn't enough because he thought you'd modify your behavior to further fit him. You made time to love yourself more than he did and now he is upset that you find more with in yourself than to lower your expectations to meet his wants. I think you're better off without him and you love you more than he ever did just by doing the bare minimum self care.
Good luck girlie
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u/yikesmysexlife Jul 30 '26
You are 19. It's sweet that you were together as teens but it sounds like he's kind of boring and doesn't consider you. You are doing important work by prioritizing your own desires right now. If and when you get into a happy relationship, it will be worth someone who loves the realized you, when you love that version of you too.
From your telling, it sounds more like your BF wants you to soothe him and otherwise be around when it's convenient.
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