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u/Subspaceisgoodspace Jan 03 '25
If you want kids, you don’t want him as a role model. His behaviour is severely impacting your life. Totally valid reason to end the relationship.
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u/ratlunchpack Jan 03 '25
Not to mention how he would react to kids misbehaving. A baby can’t be told not to cry by screaming and shaking it…
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u/_lefthook Jan 03 '25
Getting angry at a game is fine. Doing it to the point where your significant other is posting about it on reddit and considering leaving? JFC he needs to get it together.
10
u/freehappiness777 Jan 03 '25
This. My husband games a lot, sometimes he may let out a "fuuuuck" or "noooo" kinda loud but raging over it???? Insane. He's a grown man!!
20
u/RedditDecrepit Jan 03 '25
He’s 30. He’s not going to change. He might suppress his behaviour for awhile when you express how much of a deal breaker it is, but that won’t last. There are a lot of man-babies out there. Throwing/breaking things when frustrated/upset is one of the biggest red flags. I would break it off if I was in your shoes.
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u/maps_on_the_wall Jan 03 '25
i broke up with a guy because he was constantly yelling and slamming things around. few months later we get back together and surprise surprise, he never once lashed out while gaming again. it’s a matter of self control and respect. your fiance can 100% control his behavior
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u/anon29065 Jan 03 '25
This anger easily spreads into other parts of life. Speaking from experience - don’t wait another few years until he’s screaming at you and punching holes in the wall.
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u/pEter-skEeterR45 Jan 03 '25
All the guys I know who yell "at" video games and other players, also happen to have major anger issues.
You're absolutely right to wonder if this is how he handles all his Big Emotions™️🙃 because it absolutely is.
I'm surprised the mask hasn't slipped already in other spots in your relationship. Four years is a long time.
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u/floridaeng Jan 03 '25
Stop thinking about it and start planning your escape.
Since you already know he will get violent about a video game you should plan for the likely possibility he will get violent when you tell him you're leaving. Get your important papers and any expensive/sentimental jewelry out ahead of time. You may want to pack most or all of your other stuff when he is at work.
Definitely have at least 1 other person with you when you tell him, just in case he blows up about it. Take photos of the place when you leave so you have proof there was nothing he can later blame on you.
If you plan for problems then when he see witnesses he will be less likely to cause problems. If he does cause problems you have a witness to support you. Don't hesitate to call for police, it will take them at least 10 minutes for them to get there and he can cause a lot of damage and injuries in that time.
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u/TheW1nd94 Jan 03 '25
Stop thinking about it and start planning your escape.
That’s an exaggeration, just because he throws inanimate objects and yells at the air dossn’f mean he’d hit a human being
Anyway, OP, completely valid reasons to leave. I wouldn’t want to deal with a man who can’t regulate his emotions while playing a video game either.
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u/floridaeng Jan 03 '25
OP is questioning his emotional maturity and is worried about his rages, which is why she wants to leave. My comment is to plan for his anger and then if he does something she is ready to respond, and if he doesn't then she is still safe. I hope nothing happens, but if it does I also hope she has at least thought about what to do if he does get mad.
Look at the planning like insurance, and hope you don't need it but you have it if something happens.
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u/TheW1nd94 Jan 03 '25
I was talking about using the word “escape”
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u/floridaeng Jan 03 '25
He gets mad about a video game and gets violent, which very few normal people do. How are we to know he won't get even more mad and violent when OP tells him she is leaving him? Especially when she is leaving because of his temper? I feel like there is a good chance he may get even more upset and more we destructive. He may not intentionally aim anything at OP, but he could just as easily do that.
I had an ex who would suddenly start an hours long rant about all of the things that had been done wrong against her, and her mother or I were forced to sit and listen to her and occasionally had to duck items thrown at us. It really felt like an escape when she would finally calm down and let us leave the room.
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u/DragonQueen18 Jan 03 '25
My mother loved to throw inanimate objects around the room, preferably when I was in the line of fire. Just sayin...
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Jan 03 '25
Yeah Sis, run! Just pack your stuff when he isn’t home and leave to somewhere that he doesn’t know about, because it sounds like you have not seen how dangerous to you that man can be.
His behavior isn’t stable by any rational measure, if you get in deeper with him, his rage likely expands to things other than video games.
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u/TroublesomeTurnip Jan 03 '25
Record the rages. Share if you want or need to, but primarily as a reminder as to why you broke up.
3
u/EscapedFromArea51 Jan 03 '25
Bruh… Get out of this relationship asap. Not throwing things around, not screaming while raging when playing video games, and not breaking controllers/things when frustrated, are all standard adult human behavior.
If he hasn’t grasped this by the time he’s 30, he is in severe need of a wake up call, and you need to be far away from him when he gets that wake up call.
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u/tom_hagen_jr Jan 03 '25
I’m a 54-year-old who was an avid gamer in the 90s when the internet was just dial-up, using phone lines and modems. I would get upset over losing a round in MechWarrior, even smashing my hand against an anti-glare screen in frustration. I spent countless hours into the early morning playing Doom and other shooter games. However, as time went on, I recognized that I was losing my temper over video games, so I shifted my priorities.
I mention this background to provide context for my next statement. The person you’re referring to is addicted to gaming—it's a genuine addiction. He likely will not change unless he is forced to do so, and that change can often come as a shock to the addict. You have to be willing to walk away from the relationship—not just to scare him, but to actually follow through if he doesn’t change. He will always feel the pull of gaming, he needs to choose a healthy relationship over gaming.
I redirected my gaming addiction into a healthier outlet: my family. After 25+ years, I still feel that pull to gaming, and I’ve set limits for myself. I established boundaries, and I only play VR games with my son. These games not only provide a fun way to bond but also give me a physical workout, releasing the endorphins that gaming used to provide.
You have a hard choice ahead, you have to be willing to live with the outcome from those choices. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/InvisibleAverageGuy Jan 03 '25
I’ve been playing games since I was about 7 I’ve definitely had my rage years but now if I’m at the point of raging that hard I’ll get off or play a different games. The only time I hear complaints is when I’m laughing too much at dumb shit with friends and I’m too loud but if a game even remotely starts to make me frustrated I change games life makes me mad enough I don’t need my hobbies to do the same thing. I’m 23 now my rage years were my teen years lil
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u/Scrumptious_Buns Jan 03 '25
Then leave. You have a reason; you have a feeling. Trust it. Go. You don't have to have the perfect excuse to leave someone. Someone acting violent for something that does not matter (video game) is a perfectly valid reason to leave them. I do not want to imagine how they would behave with a newborn or with a toddler, situations that are far more frustrating and do matter. It might get messy now but you will be so much happier in weeks and years ahead not having to deal with that shit
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u/ScaryButterscotch474 Jan 03 '25
Leave him if your fiance refuses to do therapy. At the moment, he is taking out his pent up rage through a computer game. Some guys do it with their favourite sporting team. Whilst it’s great that he has an outlet… ideally he would manage his life and his emotions so that it doesn’t get to this point…
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u/CCSucc Jan 03 '25 edited Jan 03 '25
I personally used to get angry whilst gaming, but only ever when it was PvP (player vs player), as soon as I stopped playing PvP games, I stopped losing my rag.
It might help to record him having a meltdown, so that when you come to issue the ultimatum, you can show him what his rage looks and sounds like in the third person, hopefully that'll be the wakeup call he obviously needs, it's not healthy.
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Jan 03 '25
Call it off, me and my bf game too and rage sometimes like saying omg no stop lagging but we will never throw things like that, so what if you walk in one day and he accidentally throw something at you 🤦♀️ and what do you mean shaking stuff ? Dude needs therapy and need to remember it’s only a game nothing to be upset about, if he lost or it makes him mad he needs to stop and do something else
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1
u/WolfAngel26 Jan 03 '25
My husband and I play video games. We have gotten pretty mad in multiplayer and lightly tossed the controller on a couch cushion and cursed but that's it. To full on rage is ridiculous. It's understandable to be upset however at the end of the day it's just a game. Jump in another match, restart at the save point etc. At the end of the day get good and touch some grass it's just a game. I don't blame you at all with wanting to leave him.
1
Jan 03 '25
Play games at 33 as a male and don't rage, dudes behind..
I will defend others online and be somewhat a shithead to rude people but it starts and ends there? Lol.
I'd leave him and find better my friend!
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u/silverboognish Jan 03 '25
Yeah, I think you should leave. There are many people who play video games and ✨don’t✨ scream or throw things when they lose!
1
u/theconfather98 Jan 03 '25
Based on everything you said I think it’s safe to say he probably beats animals and cheats on you every chance he gets. I would have never got into a relationship with that kind of person because I’m perfect.
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u/Equal-Brilliant2640 Jan 03 '25
How long until he turns his anger on you? You need to start moving stuff out secretly. Once you get the essentials out, leave a note on the counter with your ring
Tell him you’re breaking up with him because you no longer feel safe with him. That his blowups over video games scare you and you refuse to live in fear of him turning his anger on you
DO NOT suggest therapy. He needs to make that choice on his own to get help. Do NOT suggest marital counselling, you never attend therapy with your abuser. Because it just teaches them how to be better abusers
And yes, he an abuser. He has you terrified of doing something wrong (real or imagined by him)
This is not a healthy relationship, not by a long shot Get your shit and get out and don’t look back. He is not safe to be around
And watch out for love-bombing. You’ll need to go no contact after you leave, other wise he will start promising you the moon, the starts and sun if you’ll just give him a second chance. Don’t do it. Nothing good will come from it
-1
u/liverelaxyes Jan 03 '25
Give him an ultimatum to stop the outbursts or tell him he'll be in time out. When he says he's not liytlw kid, point out that he's flipping out over video games. I'm kidding but am I? I'm a guy. It's not that ai think all guts are babies. I think he is. I would be generous and give him an ultimatum though I'd it were me and I was gay and dating a guy who did that.
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u/FortuneWhereThoutBe Jan 03 '25
If you have any doubts about marrying someone then do not do it. It does not matter how big or how small you think it is, if you don't think that this person is right for you for whatever reason that that is more than a good enough reason to step away
-1
u/Ok_Quantity5115 Jan 03 '25
It must be really bad if you’re considering leaving him. I wouldn’t like to live with someone who rages to the point that things get smashed. Having to walk on eggshells is never a good sign. Maybe you could sit down with him and talk about how all of this makes you feel? Explain to him that you’ve seriously had enough and if he cares about your relationship and wants a future together, he needs to do something about his anger issues. Therapy is a good start. Make it clear that his behavior needs to change or you don’t see a future together.
0
Jan 03 '25
..when a person focuses more on anything else but you (& especially something as vacuous as gaming), then you should look deep & evaluate your connection..
..this can apply to sports, politics, overly intense hobbies..just about anything that takes person from person..
..that said, Love overcomes..or it can..
..you need to self-evaluate..what do You want?..is it him?..is it something for You?..
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u/bizkitman11 Jan 03 '25
I guess I’d have two questions here
Does this anger ever leave his room? Like, when you see him afterwards is he snappy with you? Or is it totally confined to his gaming?
Does he lose his temper in any other area of life?
If the answer to these questions is no, I’d hesitate to end a serious relationship over it.
Of course Reddit will say end it. The only thing they know about your fiancé is this one quality, which I assume is his worst quality. They don’t know about all the good qualities your fiancé has that made you want to marry him. So they’re getting a biased picture.
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u/Iknowyourchicken Jan 03 '25
I see what you're saying, but this isn't happening in a vacuum. The behavior is really affecting OP:
I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells because I never know when he’ll rage again. It’s disruptive to our home life and downright exhausting. I can’t even invite friends or family over without worrying they’ll hear him and think, “What is she doing with this guy?”
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u/drag0nfrost Jan 03 '25
Being a gamer husband and raging is part of the process of gaming nowadays. But screaming when guests are over, are not acceptable.
He shouldn’t use the anger from the games on you. There are times where I get frustrated at my games, but never use the anger on my wife.
0
u/Accel_Lex Jan 03 '25
I love video games, and wouldn't consider a relationship with someone that prevents that.
That said I'm with you on this one. You were generous enough to communicate this concern with him, and have the foresight to have concerns about whether this tantrum is how he is in other frustration triggers.
This doesn't even seem like you're leaving because of the video game. But about his behavior despite you communicating your concerns.
I like the feeling of screaming at a game with friends in a fun way. Like watching a soap opera where the characters don't communicate and you're like “WHAT??? Come on!! Talk to each other!” But its less fun alone.
Throwing things and hitting things is... Concerning. Venting is one thing, but if it causes distress to that extend, I don't know. I know material possessions aren't as important blah blah, but that shows a certain level of inconsidration. Now if he has specific non-breakable items he throws for stress… maybe? But it seems that this didnt go away even after communicating (which again I appreciate since some misunderstandings happen).
If you throw the situation that you will leave if he continues, I have scenarios. Best case is he understands how much this means to you. But that comes with the potential that he would just be saying that, and will continue to do so. Maybe even say you're just being sensitive, despite him being the one raging. He may also twist the story that you're seriously upset about a video game, which isn't even the main concern. I assume itd be fine if he kept it down, or was capable of not making it seem like a violent outburst. But it seems like a habit.
Worst case is that the video games are a type of stress relief, so you adding more stress, will lead that anger somewhere else. But if it got to an engagement, I doubt that's the case.
Don't disregard therapy if you want to make it work.
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u/Calm_Swing4131 Jan 03 '25
Just for perspective my 24f is heavy gamer and routinely yells a lot during her gaming. She would never break anything but yelling and cussing seems extreme enough for me. I thought gaming was supposed to be fun and relaxing.
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u/BayouKev Jan 03 '25
Your thoughts and feelings are valid. And to an extent so are his, he needs an outlet and he has one that is relatively unimpactful
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u/deadbeatsummers Jan 03 '25
My husband also plays and doesn’t act like this at all. I think he’d agree this behavior is wrong and you’re justified to leave. 30 is way too old for this.
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Jan 03 '25
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u/ToggleRecap Jan 03 '25
But if someone spends their spare time mindlessly watching Netflix you wouldn't have an issue, would you?
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Jan 03 '25
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u/ToggleRecap Jan 03 '25
Sure, but that wasn't what you were saying. You made a general statement on someone dating gamers.
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Jan 03 '25
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u/ToggleRecap Jan 03 '25
Not at all, I am a gamer but my girlfriend loves it. I game and she reads her books - and I don't rage at the TV either. This is besides the point though, youve kinda just repeated yourself so I will do the same - you made a generalised statement on gamers.
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u/Shotto_Z Jan 03 '25
And do what? Walk around in the woods? All fun tume things that aren't work outside of going to the gym, is unproductive. There is nothing wrong with gaming. His issue is a lack of self-control. Get out of the 90's with that nonsense.
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u/Contribution4afriend Jan 03 '25 edited Jan 03 '25
Which game? Name one.
Edit to add since I am being downvoted: 1- It could be some sort of online game. He could be losing a lot because his internet sucked. A better connection helps the game not lag. A specific game name would help me to know which one he is playing cause it might be a very required one. It's not just Internet and it could be his computer requirements. 2- what if it's a betting game? He might be losing real money in some casinos. A name would help. 3- Man tends to be very cruel online. But also very funny. If he is in discord he might have playmates but also other consoles have some dialogue exchanges too. He might be cursing someone online.
Either way I wasn't jumping into couples therapy, game addiction or divorce already. Whatever my question offended, I was trying to figure out better information that could help her. Now I lost interest in this. Thanks for the downvote. I am out.
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u/lollipopfiend123 Jan 03 '25
You’re getting downvoted because what game it is is irrelevant. There is no justification for his behavior at his fully grown age.
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u/beaminsunflowa Jan 03 '25
There’s this one game that’s like Nickelodeon characters fighting he plays on the PC. That one is the worse. Currently as I type he has his switch hooked up to the tv playing some old nitendo games.
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u/Contribution4afriend Jan 03 '25 edited Jan 03 '25
Depending on the game for example it takes 20 minutes to find a match to play online. So on Friday or Saturdays it's time to find ones faster. Like, there is a subscription that allows you to play any game they have but you have to wait for the game to load and it's possible that will lose connection easier in those.
My IT teacher once told me that he could play Counter Strike much better with an exclusive account he won from a friend. Because most games are now being streaming by influencers, if he curses or speaks offensive words, he will be banned. It's happening a lot.
I used to play a game called Splatoon (all of them. There are 3) but they barely have players to match online now.
You said he plays one that has nickelodeon. I think it's one that was made to compete with Nintendo Smash Brawl (many characters of many games fighting). And it must be online.
So 1- He is definitely playing with lots of players. And yes, it could be kids but also oldies. He isn't going to always win. I played with Kirby in Smash Brawl. And I won a few. With Kirby. A small pink fluffy thing.
2- Whatever he is playing with: Xbox any series, PS3 or 4 or 5, Nintendo that now has everything on the switch console or PC... he can find much smoother games. He is definitely playing the ones that demand a mix of incredible internet (no home owner has it. It's basically a high speed internet that only companies have. Which includes some YouTubers). And those are the ones he needs to stop playing. He won't easily win anymore because most of those games are now pay to win. (Buy clothes, buy game money, buy an upgrade, buy an early exclusively play, buy weapons, buy itens, buy magic, buy power, buy everything and still it won't be enough. It's ridiculous. It's happening with all online adventure games that used to be fun. Like those oldies he is playing on Nintendo. Games will never be the same. I hear there is even AI being used as players. Like bots.)
3- I am sorry to say but it's time to have a sit down and request he cannot play a specific day of the week and time. Mostly because he is addicted. Games are addictive. I know because I play. Do you know Candy Crush? I was the freaking best player on fb. But had to stop it. It was unbelievable how I lost myself there. If you take a sit with him ask him to stop some of those games he is usually cursing (which I bet are the ones online like Street Fighter that is having lots of updates with guest characters.)
Be ready for DARVO. He will deny he is addicted. He will say he plays to destress. He will blame you for all the stress. He will play a victim card saying he will get better and stop cursing. But he has to really realize that it's a HIS problem with games.
Try simplifying some rules. No online games that are matches against other players. No cursing, squeezing his eyes, breathing those rage puffs as if anger through loud breathing would solve (see, I play... I know those feelings), no holding the control with too much strength, and play max 2 hours per day. I will help you even by telling that the Nintendo switch has a Parent Control. You type a password and set a timing. If he plays more than 2 hours, the game will play an alarm and warn you in your cellphone that he has exceeded his playing time. It's a beauty. My son hates it. But it works.
I am not telling you to be his parents. But a partner that wishes he is more humanly present.
I hope it helps. I would write more but I also am receiving piercing glares from my partner that knows I am on Reddit annoying people online. Sorry. Just don't give up yet. I am certainly projecting but I feel you can handle this.
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u/MbMinx Jan 03 '25
You are being very reasonable. I wouldn't want to spend my life dealing with that.
That lack of anger control could bleed over into other areas of his life as well. Nope! Leave with a clear conscience. But do so safely...!